NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I remember it so you don't have to. Now usually on the show I talk about things you MIGHT have seen growing up, old TV shows, movies, stuff like that. But today I'm making a special exception, so that I can talk to you about the trailer, that premiered before the Transformers movie on July 3rd, and an Upcoming Animated Movie: Cartoon All Stars X: The Movie, that was released on July 27th, 2007.
Angry and accusatory NC: You know what I'm talking about. Those of you don't, I'll give you the skinny.
Illustrations of events from the trailer NC (voiceover): Alright, so it starts with a handheld camera shooting a surprise party for some guy named Rob. Mostly it's people joking, talking, drinking and all that stuff and saying how much they're gonna miss Rob after he leaves the city.
Cut to NC NC: I don't know what Rob is, but I'm missing him already. When suddenly...
Cut to black screen, then illustrations NC (voiceover): The power goes out, and a loud as hell explosion is heard outside! And people start yelling and screaming and running downstairs as the camera goes a little Blair Witch on us. As everyone exits outside they hear a thunderous ROARing sound.
Back to NC NC: A thunderous roaring sound? What could that be?
Illustrations NC (voiceover): Oh, it's a building blowing up. THAT'S what it is! Dude, it's a building blowing up. Holy sh!t! As the building blows to smithereens, bits of debris and fiery death are raining down on the onlookers. Within seconds, EVERYTHING'S being thrown at 'em: a car, a house, a restaurant, a store, a gas station, other bits of rubble, a cow--okay, maybe not a cow, but a lot of stuff!
Back to NC NC: And last, but not f?!king least, the head...
Illustrations NC (voiceover): Of the goddamn Statue of Liberty.
Back to NC NC: D'oh, I just pissed myself. That's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life!
Illustrations NC (voiceover): I mean, it was terrifying, it was incredible it was suspenseful it was so scary it was just, I mean Oh my God, you just wouldn't believe it! What could this horrible creation of Beelzebub be?
Credit screen, citing J.J. Abrams NC: J.J. Abrams? He might be a monster, but he's not that big.
Title card of the date of the movie's release NC (voiceover): Okay, we now know WHEN our lives are gonna come to an end, but what is it that's gonna kill us?
Title card saying "Coming This Winter" NC (voiceover): Oh come on, there's gotta be more than that! Isn't there?
Title card saying "2008”
NC (voiceover): Please, Pretty Please! There’s gotta be more then that! Isn’t there, isn't there?
Title card saying "And now our Feature Presentation" NC (voiceover): OH F!CK YOU!
Back to NC NC: Heeeeeeeeey! Did ya forgeting something? The Title? You forgot the title of your movie! How can you forget the title of your movie? What kind of a rip-off is that? You build us up, you scare the shit out of the audience, and then you don't even tell us what we're supposed to be afraid of! I...that's bullshit! I mean what could it be? What could the giant thing that destroys buildings and tosses the head of the Statue of Liberty everywhere possibly be? Is it a demon, is it a Bear? is it a Lion? is it a Wolf? is it a Machine? Is it Donkey Kong? My money's on Donkey Kong!
Picture of an illustrated Donkey Kong attacking a city backdrop NC (voiceover): After he got drunk on all those barrels of beer, he rampages through the city, seeking out all the Italian plumbers.
Back to NC NC: Or, you know, it is J.J. Abrams.
Picture of a cloud of smoke in the city NC (voiceover): Maybe it's the black smoke, from Lost! He got off the island and now he's looking for a nice industrial plant to call home.
Back to NC NC: No, no. I bet it's J.J. Abrams' production logo, the Bad Robot!
Picture of the Bad Robot in the city NC (voiceover): He goes stomping through the city looking for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Back to NC NC: Because there's only room for ONE giant homicidal corporate logo in THIS town! Maybe it's not a monster at all. Maybe it's Jesus.
Picture of a giant Jesus in the city NC (voiceover): Maybe he just wanted to give the Bible a twist ending so he decides to walking down to the city.
Back to NC NC: Maybe it's all 4 of 'em, maybe it's a *Giant Robotic Donkey Kong Jesus riding a puff of smoke* ...Holy Shit, that'd be really cool. BUT HIGHLY IMPROBABLE! Now good luck finding information on this movie, cause it's actually a lot harder than it sounds. Many people think the name of the movie's Cloverfield, but that's not actually true.
Picture of the word Cloverfield, which is then promptly covered by the word "Bullshit" NC (voiceover): Cloverfield is the fake title they came up with so no one would be able to find out any information about this thing.
Back to NC NC: Which I feel is...kind of bad advertising. How can I, say, see the film, purchase a ticket, go into a theater and watch this motion picture experience, if...THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S F$CKING CALLED?! My prediction of what that monster is is that it's J.J. Abrams' giant ego, terrorizing the city with its pretentious advertising. Will it consume this nation? Only time will tell, my friend. Only time will tell. ...I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. ...It had BETTER be Donkey Kong.