Clockstoppers

Clockstoppers
Released	April 18, 2017
Duration	20:56
Previous	Is This the Best Joker Death?
Next	The WEIRDEST Jack and the Beanstalk
Link	http://channelawesome.com/clockstoppers-nostalgia-critic/

(NC 2017 opening titles)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about Clockstoppers. (pause; becomes puzzled) What, did you think there's gonna be a bigger introduction than that? You've been asking me to do this movie for years and years! What, did you think I was gonna be like, (raises his fist in the air) "Oh, this movie makes me so mad! I hate it so much!" It's Clockstoppers! It's like asking me to get angry at (an image of Wallace Shawn as Vizzini from The Princess Bride appears in the corner) Wallace Shawn! I guess I could, but... why? It's inconceivable.

(The opening titles for Clockstoppers are shown, followed by footage of that film)

NC (vo): The 2002 Nickelodeon film featured an idea that had been done plenty of times on TV, but never had an entire film focused on it: the idea of moving so fast that everything else around you seems to be still. Now and then, I was kind of interested when I saw it was directed by Will Riker himself, (shot of...) Jonathan Frakes, the director of (a poster for Star Trek: First Contact pops up) easily the best Star Trek: Next Gen movie. The film came and went pretty quick at the box office, but has gained a bit of a cult following over the years, enough that people have been asking me for a long time to look it over.

NC: Now, don't get me wrong, there's certainly stuff to critique and make fun of, but I'm not gonna act like this is a "get angry at the gods" kind of movie.

(Tamara Chambers is standing in front of a whiteboard)

Tamara: Uh, so, speaking of which, Critic, are we needed for this?

(Malcolm Ray is in a suit)

Malcolm: Yeah, I brought the Chart Guy suit if you needed it.

NC: Well, I did have a very expensive sketch idea where you two fly in on a Giant Eagle of Not-Caring, spell out in flaming letters why you don't think you should be in any sketches, and I'm just gonna assume the next time I look up, you two will have taken the day off. (As soon as he looks up, Malcolm and Tamara are gone with the words "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK" written on the whiteboard) Yeah, I don't blame you. (to the camera) By popular demand, here's Clockstoppers.

(The film's opening credits are shown)

NC (vo): So seeing how this is the early 2000s, let's shove down your throat with what producers thought was the hottest trend at the time...

NC: Spy stuff.

(As NC speaks, we are shown posters of Spy Kids, G-Force, I-Spy, Agent Cody Banks, Totally Spies, The Tuxedo, and Johnny English)

NC (vo): Yeah, for some reason, Hollywood thought spies were the biggest thing for a long time, yet I never saw any kids or adults really going that apeshit about it. Unless Kim Possible's gonna say "What's the sitch?"...

NC: ...I don't think this is as big a hook as you think it is. (An image of Codename: Kids Next Door is shown, with the caption "Unless they're in it")

(We see a man named Earl Dopler at an airport, trying to sneak by security while disguised as a bearded man)

NC (vo): The film opens with the ultimate stamp of approval, French Stewart, trying to get on a plane dressed as every suspicious killer known to man.

Earl: (speaks to a man with a newspaper) I need a vacation real bad. (gives the man some money)

NC (vo): He demonstrates how a bill has turned into a law, but literally experiences pullback before he can buy the person's ticket.

(Earl is suddenly pulled by a mysterious force away from the plane, through the airport, and into a van with a group of bad guys)

NC (vo; as one of the bad guys): Thought you could escape from Inspector Gadget 2, huh?

Henry Gates: I think it's time you came back to work, Dr. Dopler.

(We then cut to the main character, a teenager named Zak, riding on his bicycle as the song "All the Small Things" by Blink-182 plays)

NC: And again, seeing how this is the early 2000s, we also get to experience the 90s trying to die.

NC (vo): In fact, there's so much of that in this film, let's just do a 90s Slow Death Count. (We see the 9Deez Slow Death Count on the bottom, along with the number 1) Number 1: Bands that are supposed to sound cool, but sound more like whiny valley kids with a cold instructed to clean their room.

Blink-182 (singing): Always I know, you'll be at my show.

NC: (mimics Blink-182) Come on, Mom! You're so lame!

NC (vo): We get a glimpse of our main character named Zak. He likes buying things from an antique store and selling them on eBay for double the price, presumably so he can get this car he has his eye on. I'll give them points for showing all that visually, without any dialogue. But deduct a point, because it almost never comes into the goddamn story.

NC: Yeah, in the tapestry of the plot, this thread is literally the size of a thread!

(Dr. Gibbs, Zak's father, is telling Zak and the other students a task, holding two car models)

NC (vo): But his father who's a teacher is holding a car. That connects, right? At a point?

Dr. Gibbs (Robin Thomas): And along comes Eddie, in his Ferrari.

(The students laugh)

Eddie: Hey, come on, that could happen. Totally. (tries to give a female student who's sitting next to him, a high-five, but gets nothing)

NC: Okay, I already wish the movie was about him.

NC (vo): But nope. It's about Zak and his father who is so involved with his science that he doesn't have time for his son. Yeah, that thing.

Dr. Gibbs: You remember Earl Dopler, don't you? He's one of the best students that ever passed...

Zak (Jesse Bradford): That freak? Who used to come over and eat a lot of potato salad?

Dr. Gibbs: (laughs) He isn't a freak, he's...a little eccentric.

NC: (smiling) You know, Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole in your head.

Dr. Gibbs: Let's...let's just say that, uh, hypothetically speaking...

Zak: Yeah?

Dr. Gibbs: ...it were possible to accelerate your molecular structure until the rest of the world seemed as if it were standing still.

(A period of silence occurs. A silence SO complete, that all the people chatter in the background is removed)

Zak: Cool.

NC (vo): Does it also have the power to mute the soundtrack? What happened there?

(The scene replays)

Dr. Gibbs: ...until the rest of the world seemed as if it were standing still.

(NC appears in the top right corner, as everything goes silent)

NC: All right, stop! (Beat) Hammertime.

(He dances as MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This" plays out. Back to the movie)

NC (vo): He (Zak) meets up with his friend named Meeker... (The 9Deez Death Count is now 2) ...at paintball... (Now it's 3) ...so they can partake in "zany black" friend antics! (And the count is 4)

Meeker (Garikayi Mutambirwa; in various scenes): (imitates scratching turntables) A-picky-picky, a-picky! / A-go, Meeker! A-go, Meeker! / Gonna get faaaaaced! / Diggity, dig-dig-dig-dig!

NC: (letdown) Yeah, let's be honest, that cliche's never gonna die.

NC (vo): But Zak get the hots for a Venezuelan girl named Francesca.

Zak: She goes to our school?

Meeker: Mm-hmm.

Zak: That's gonna be good for attendance. (He accidentally pulls the trigger on a paintball gun, which apparently splashes him. Zak puts it away)

NC: (smiles nervously) I'll just assume that was meant to be taken exactly how you're taking it.

(Zak goes to Francesca, who is climbing on a wall)

Zak: Excuse me, hi. Do you have the time?

NC (vo, as Francesca): Yes, not for you.

(A rimshot is heard as NC imitates playing it)

Zak: Thought maybe you need somebody to show you around...

Francesca (Paula Garcés): I try to be brave, exploring the town all by myself, when all I really want is to be giving my love to the very first bozo who wants to know the time.

NC: (as Zak) I know you turned me down, but after looking at the script, you are gonna do exactly what you just said you're gonna do, right?

NC (vo): Zak then goes home to his economically-struggling family, who get by on the low paychecks they save up... (Cut to the inside of Zak's house) Nah, nah, I'm just kidding. They're rich. (The 9Deez Death Count goes to 5)

(Kelly, Zak's younger sister, who has a really dated hair, is talking on a phone)

Kelly (Lindze Letherman): (to her caller) You're so lucky you're an only child.

NC: Uh, I think the real time-stopper is in her hairdo.

NC (vo): Why don't we rework our counter there?

(Now it's 80s Slow Death Count, with number 1)

NC: Nah, this doesn't feel right. Let's get this back on track!

(Zak is shown in his room, playing on a guitar. The 9Deez Slow Death Count is back with 6)

NC: Much better.

(As Zak is playing, Dr. Gibbs knocks on the door)

Zak: Come in.

NC (vo, as Zak): Ugh! I'm teenage-boying, Dad!

Dr. Gibbs: This is my itinerary, and my hotel, in case you need to get in touch with me.

Zak: Have fun with your science friends.

NC (vo): Zak is still having trouble connecting with his father, which disturbs his mother, Julia Sweeney. (The 9Deez Death Count goes from 6 to 7)

Dr. Gibbs: (to Jenny, his wife, after leaving Zak's room) We'll work it out when I get back.

NC: There's actually more truth to that than you know. The two of them don't address this connection again until the last twelve minutes of this movie.

(Brief cut to the climax, when Zak reunites with his father)

NC (vo): I guess the best way to identify not having him there is literally not having him there.

NC: But come on! We just figured out how to do Matrix effects so much, we can put it in kids' films. When are we gonna be able to show that off?

NC (vo): Well, it turns out Stewart is a scientist who's forced to use the time-hacking device to figure out how to perfect it for an evil government baddie played by Michael Biehn. The only man to die in cinema more than Sean Bean.

(Shots from films with Biehn's characters dying are shown (the films are Aliens, Tombstone, The Rock, and Abyss), along with picture of Sean Bean as Boromir from The Lord of the Rings)

NC (vo): In fact even their last names kinda sound alike.

NC: (Suspicious) Actually why we never see them in the same room?

(Curious, NC leans forward towards the Boromir picture and snatches it's face off, revealing him to be Michael Bei'h'n. NC gasps.)

NC: (Gasps) Old man Biehn!

(Animated Scooby-Doo pops up)

Scooby-Doo: Ruh-oh!

...................

NC (vo): Of course, insanity happens to the wrongdoers, Francesca's skirt almost gets us a PG-13, and they're off to see their friend Meeker take on the bullies at a record scratching competition.

(Shots of the competition play with hip-hop music so '90's it hurts.')

NC: (Throws his arms in the air) Oh, just throw twenty on there! (9Deez Slow Death Count goes up to 28) I don't have time to count them all!

NC (vo): But it turns out Meeker really sucks at record scratching. So, why would you enter a contest you knew you were awful at?

(Meeker's terrible scratching starts to make the crowd boo. Cut to Zak and Francesca standing in the crowd.)

Francesca: He's not very smooth, is he?

NC: Yeah, that's a shame. DJ Beaker , that would be a jam!

(Cut to the crowd cheering, with a photoshopped Beaker making mi-mi-mi-mo noises to a hip-hop soundtrack)

(Zak and Francesca start moving in hypertime, as they move Meeker around so that it looks like he's doing awesome looking dance moves)

NC (vo): Zak has an idea though as they start moving Meeker in hypertime to make it look like he's doing a bunch of crazy dance moves.

(Meeker's dancing gets the crowd cheering, as it cuts in between hypertime with Zak and Francesca moving Meeker, and real time were the two aren't visible. NC blinks 'confused.)

NC: (Confused) Ummmm...¡tengo preguntas! (Spanish for "I have questions!") NC (vo): The watch makes them move fast, NOT be invisble. If he (Meeker) moved at the speed they were showing all people would see is a blur and his brain propbably fall out his ears! Second; does Meeker just think he's possessed? He's smiling and having fun, but I'd be like-NC: (Doing frantic dance moves in his chair) The Devil is IN ME! I AM THE BEGINNING OF HIS EVIL REIGN!

NC (vo): Third; how are even keeping in beat with the music if they're moving at different time lengths? They sure are keeping step pretty good!

NC: Fourth; Those pants!

(Cut to shot of the pants Meeker is wearing. They just scream 90's.)

NC (vo): I...know that doesn't connect as much but, you look like a midlife crisis (Picture of Bill Murray wearing a t-shirt with a similar design to Meeker's trousers) on the lower half of Bill Murray! (9Deez Slow Death Count goes up to 29) No, don't count that! I...I don't know what that is.

(The crowd is now chanting "Go Meeker!")

NC: (Unsure) Nickelodeon presents...what we're pretty sure kids are into! We think.

(And we go to commercial)

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