April 18, 2017

(NC 2017 opening titles)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about Clockstoppers. (pause; becomes puzzled) What, did you think there's gonna be a bigger introduction than that? You've been asking me to do this movie for years and years! What, did you think I was gonna be like, (raises his fist in the air) "Oh, this movie makes me so mad! I hate it so much!" It's Clockstoppers! It's like asking me to get angry at (an image of Wallace Shawn as Vizzini from The Princess Bride appears in the corner) Wallace Shawn! I guess I could, but...why? It's inconceivable.

(The opening titles for Clockstoppers are shown, followed by footage of that film)

NC (vo): The 2002 Nickelodeon film featured an idea that had been done plenty of times on TV, but never had an entire film focused on it: the idea of moving so fast that everything else around you seems to be still. Now and then, I was kind of interested when I saw it was directed by Will Riker himself, (shot of...) Jonathan Frakes, the director of (a poster for Star Trek: First Contact pops up) easily the best Star Trek: Next Gen movie. The film came and went pretty quick at the box office, but has gained a bit of a cult following over the years, enough that people have been asking me for a long time to look it over.

NC: Now, don't get me wrong, there's certainly stuff to critique and make fun of, but I'm not gonna act like this is a "get angry at the gods" kind of movie.

(Tamara Chambers is standing in front of a whiteboard)

Tamara: Uh, so, speaking of which, Critic, are we needed for this?

(Malcolm Ray is in a suit)

Malcolm: Yeah, I brought the Chart Guy suit if you needed it.

NC: Well, I did have a very expensive sketch idea where you two fly in on a Giant Eagle of Not-Caring, spell out in flaming letters why you don't think you should be in any sketches, and I'm just gonna assume the next time I look up, you two will have taken the day off. (As soon as he looks up, Malcolm and Tamara are gone with the words "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK" written on the whiteboard) Yeah, I don't blame you. (to the camera) By popular demand, here's Clockstoppers.

(The film's opening credits are shown)

NC (vo): So seeing how this is the early 2000s, let's shove down your throat with what producers thought was the hottest trend at the time...

NC: Spy stuff.

(As NC speaks, we are shown posters of Spy Kids, G-Force, I-Spy, Agent Cody Banks, Totally Spies, The Tuxedo, and Johnny English)

NC (vo): Yeah, for some reason, Hollywood thought spies were the biggest thing for a long time, yet I never saw any kids or adults really going that apeshit about it. Unless Kim Possible's gonna say "What's the sitch?"...

NC: ...I don't think this is as big a hook as you think it is. (An image of Codename: Kids Next Door is shown, with the caption "Unless they're in it")

(We see a man named Earl Dopler at an airport, trying to sneak by security while disguised as a bearded man)

NC (vo): The film opens with the ultimate stamp of approval, French Stewart, trying to get on a plane dressed as every suspicious killer known to man.

Earl: (speaks to a man with a newspaper) I need a vacation real bad. (gives the man some money)

NC (vo): He demonstrates how a bill has turned into a law, but literally experiences pullback before he can buy the person's ticket.

(Earl is suddenly pulled by a mysterious force away from the plane, through the airport, and into a van with a group of bad guys)

NC (vo; as one of the bad guys): Thought you could escape from Inspector Gadget 2, huh?

Henry Gates: I think it's time you came back to work, Dr. Dopler.

(We then cut to the main character, a teenager named Zak, riding on his bicycle as the song "All the Small Things" by Blink-182 plays)

NC: And again, seeing how this is the early 2000s, we also get to experience the 90s trying to die.

NC (vo): In fact, there's so much of that in this film, let's just do a 90s Slow Death Count. (We see the 9Deez Slow Death Count on the bottom, along with the number 1) Number 1: Bands that are supposed to sound cool, but sound more like whiny valley kids with a cold instructed to clean their room.

Blink-182 (singing): Always I know, you'll be at my show.

NC: (mimics Blink-182) Come on, Mom! You're so lame!

NC (vo): We get a glimpse of our main character named Zak. He likes buying things from an antique store and selling them on eBay for double the price, presumably so he can get this car he has his eye on. I'll give them points for showing all that visually, without any dialogue. But deduct a point, because it almost never comes into the goddamn story.

NC: Yeah, in the tapestry of the plot, this thread is literally the size of a thread!

(Dr. Gibbs, Zak's father, is telling Zak and the other students a task, holding two car models)

NC (vo): But his father who's a teacher is holding a car. That connects, right? At a point?

Dr. Gibbs (Robin Thomas): And along comes Eddie, in his Ferrari.

(The students laugh)

Eddie: Hey, come on, that could happen. Totally. (tries to give a female student who's sitting next to him a high-five, but gets nothing)

NC: Okay, I already wish the movie was about him.

NC (vo): But nope. It's about Zak and his father who is so involved with his science that he doesn't have time for his son. Yeah, that thing.

Dr. Gibbs: You remember Earl Dopler, don't you? He's one of the best students that ever passed...

Zak (Jesse Bradford): That freak? Who used to come over and eat a lot of potato salad?

Dr. Gibbs: (laughs) He isn't a freak, he's...a little eccentric.

NC: (smiling) You know, Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole in your head.

Dr. Gibbs: Let's...let's just say that, uh, hypothetically speaking...

Zak: Yeah?

Dr. Gibbs: were possible to accelerate your molecular structure until the rest of the world seemed as if it were standing still.

(A period of silence occurs. A silence SO complete, that all the people chatter in the background is removed)

Zak: Cool.

NC (vo): Does it also have the power to mute the soundtrack? What happened there?

(The scene replays)

Dr. Gibbs: ...until the rest of the world seemed as if it were standing still.

(NC appears in the top right corner, as everything goes silent)

NC: All right, stop! (Beat) Hammertime.

(He dances as MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This" plays out. Back to the movie)

NC (vo): He (Zak) meets up with his friend named Meeker... (The 9Deez Death Count is now 2) paintball... (Now it's 3) they can partake in "zany black" friend antics! (And the count is 4)

Meeker (Garikayi Mutambirwa; in various scenes): (imitates scratching turntables) A-picky-picky, a-picky! / A-go, Meeker! A-go, Meeker! / Gonna get faaaaaced! / Diggity, dig-dig-dig-dig!

NC: (letdown) Yeah, let's be honest, that cliche's never gonna die.

NC (vo): But Zak get the hots for a Venezuelan girl named Francesca.

Zak: She goes to our school?

Meeker: Mm-hmm.

Zak: That's gonna be good for attendance. (He accidentally pulls the trigger on a paintball gun, which apparently splashes him. Zak puts it away)

NC: (smiles nervously) I'll just assume that was meant to be taken exactly how you're taking it.

(Zak goes to Francesca, who is climbing on a wall)

Zak: Excuse me, hi. Do you have the time?

NC (vo, as Francesca): Yes, not for you.

(A rimshot is heard as NC imitates playing it)

Zak: Thought maybe you need somebody to show you around...

Francesca (Paula Garcés): I try to be brave, exploring the town all by myself, when all I really want is to be giving my love to the very first bozo who wants to know the time.

NC: (as Zak) I know you turned me down, but after looking at the script, you are gonna do exactly what you just said you're gonna do, right?

NC (vo): Zak then goes home to his economically-struggling family, who get by on the low paychecks they save up... (Cut to the inside of Zak's house) Nah, nah, I'm just kidding. They're rich. (The 9Deez Death Count goes to 5)

(Kelly, Zak's younger sister, who has a really dated hair, is talking on a phone)

Kelly (Lindze Letherman): (to her caller) You're so lucky you're an only child.

NC: Uh, I think the real time-stopper is in her hairdo.

NC (vo): Why don't we rework our counter there?

(Now it's 80s Slow Death Count, with number 1)

NC: Nah, this doesn't feel right. Let's get this back on track!

(Zak is shown in his room, playing on a guitar. The 9Deez Slow Death Count is back with 6)

NC: Much better.

(As Zak is playing, Dr. Gibbs knocks on the door)

Zak: Come in.

NC (vo, as Zak): Ugh! I'm teenage-boying, Dad!

Dr. Gibbs: This is my itinerary, and my hotel, in case you need to get in touch with me.

Zak: Have fun with your science friends.

NC (vo): Zak is still having trouble connecting with his father, which disturbs his mother, Julia Sweeney. (The 9Deez Death Count goes from 6 to 7)

Dr. Gibbs: (to Jenny, his wife, after leaving Zak's room) We'll work it out when I get back.

NC: There's actually more truth to that than you know. The two of them don't address this connection again until the last twelve minutes of this movie.

(Brief cut to the climax, when Zak reunites with his father)

NC (vo): I guess the best way to identify not having him there is literally not having him there.

NC: But come on! We just figured out how to do Matrix effects so much, we can put it in kids' films. When are we gonna be able to show that off?

NC (vo): Well, it turns out Stewart is a scientist who's forced to use the time-hacking device to figure out how to perfect it for an evil government baddie (Henry Gates), played by Michael Biehn, the only man to die in cinema more than Sean Bean.

(Shots from films with Biehn's characters dying are shown (the films are Alien 3, Tombstone, The Rock, and Abyss), along with the picture of Sean Bean as Boromir from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

NC (vo): In fact, even their last names kinda sound alike.

NC: (suspicious) Actually, why do we never see them in the same room?

(Curious, NC leans forward towards the Boromir picture and snatches Boromir's face off, revealing him to be Michael Biehn to a dramatic sting)

NC: (gasps) Old man Biehn?!

(Animated Scooby-Doo pops up)

Scooby-Doo: Ruh-oh!

NC (vo): Give Stewart some credit as he's actually playing this role a little less goofy than he usually does, as a tortured scientist who's turning older the more he uses the device. In fact, it's actually Biehn, the serious actor, who's acting a little bit more goofy in these scenes!

Earl: I sent him a watch.

Gates: You IDIOT!!! (Close-up on his face; he calms himself down and speaks in a hushed tone; his teeth are visible) I want that watch back.

NC: (astonished) Good Lord, you can use his teeth...

NC (vo): a vegetable cutter! Those suckers are killer!

(Three carrots go into Gates' mouth as he cuts their tops with his teeth, all Photoshopped)

Earl: I mean, I'm still waiting on some data from a friend.

Gates: A friend?

(Gates comes closer to Earl. Cut to another close-up on Gates' face, with his lips making an "ooh" gesture)

Earl: You can trust this guy.

NC: (as Gates) Don't make me perch my lips like I'm gonna blow a whistle again.

(Then, a Photoshopped whistle goes into Gates' mouth, and an appropriate sound is heard)

NC (vo): But even bigger troubles are afoot, as Zak and Meeker go up against some bullies.

(Two skinny teenagers, who look nothing like typical school bullies, stand in Zak and Meeker's way)

Bully #1: You trippin' on some bad lunch meat?

NC (vo): Um, I said "bullies".

NC: Can you two move out of the way so I can see where the bullies are?

Bully #1: Hey, yo, yo, yo, I ain't on him, alright?

NC (vo): Oh, wait...they're the bullies??

NC: Um... (laughs) Are you sure they aren't the practice bullies before they go up against the real ones?

NC (vo): I'm...quite positive you could very easily kick their asses. It's like fighting (pictures of...) Stephen Baldwin from Bio-Dome and that guy who ran Mondo Burger!

NC: This is not particularly threatening!

Meeker: A-go, Meeker!

(Bully #1 sprays soda on Meeker, and him and the second bully laugh at him)

Bully #1: Later, jerkwad.

NC: (stammers) There's nothing we can do. He's half our size and he had soda. The Geneva Convention is very clear about this.

(Both bullies come up to Francesca, but she fights back by also spraying Bully #1 with soda)

NC (vo): They next seem to be hitting on Francesca, who also appears to choose soda as her weapon of choice.

(The picture of Kendall Jenner in a Pepsi commercial, where she joined a protest and offered soda to a police officer, is shown with a caption "Kendall Jenner Approved" and The Legend of Zelda's "Item Get" jingle heard in the background)

Bully #2: I got a hole for ya.

(He pushes Zak off to a nearby trash can, and Zak falls with the can. The school's Vice Principal appears and confronts the bullies)

Vice Principal (Pamela Dunlap): Hey! That's a perfectly good trash can! Don't be throwing students at it.

NC: (bemused) Particularly weird line.

NC (vo): What do you think she said after the Kennedy assassination?

NC: (as Vice Principal) Hey, that was a nice car! Don't go putting holes in it! Kids!

(Francesca helps Zak to get up)

Francesca: I didn't need any help.

NC (vo, as Zak): Yeah, I know, I was hoping you could help me. Could you protect me from those bullies? (normal) So Zak shows his thanks for helping him up by inviting himself over to her house, where she says he can help her with gardening.

(We are shown that Francesca isn't wearing any special clothes for gardening and is wearing a skirt instead)

NC (vo): Because she's...clearly dressed for that! But earlier, Zak stumbles across his dad's inventions, mistaking it for junk, and takes away a watch that, you guessed it, makes him go super-fast, making everything else seem slow. (Beat) And echoey for no reason.

(Zak accidentally freezes the time and comes across a possum)

Zak: (as he speaks, his voice echoes) Go! Go, go, go, get outta here! Don't make me kick your ass.

(He takes a stick and twirls it around, yelling like a kung fu fighter)

NC: Does over-the-top fake karate count--? (The 9Deez Death Count goes from 7 to 8) Okay.

NC (vo): He thinks the animal is dead, but when he zaps out of hypertime, it's alive and well.

(As everything unfreezes after Zak brings a possum to the house, the possum jumps on the table and runs around the house. Francesca sees it and screams, waving her wrists)

Zak: Oh, boy.

NC (vo): Ah, yeah, Miss "I Don't Need Your Help"! When a threat's a-brewin', you sure know how to wave your wrists and go "Eeeeeeeee!"

NC: You have the badass qualities of...

NC (vo): ...a housewife from a Tom and Jerry cartoon!

(A brief clip from an old T&J commercial is shown, with the housewife screaming and standing on a stool while Tom chases Jerry around the stool. Back to the movie; we cut to Zak showing Francesca (with her hand on Zak's shoulder) his recent discovery and activates it. A flock of white doves flying in slow-motion is seen)

NC (vo): Oh, no!

NC: We got put in a John Woo movie!

(Three flaming doves fly around the frame, screaming in pain)

NC (vo): Soon, they discover they can both use the watch to move super-fast, and...again, to this movie's credit, they use it pretty much the way any kid would use it: acting like little assholes.

(With the time frozen, Zak and Francesca ride around the town and see a meter maid writing a parking ticket)

Francesca: There's that woman who's always giving me parking tickets. Look at her! She writes them before the meter even expires.

NC: (as Francesca, excitedly) Let's put her in front of a moving car!

(Zak and Francesca have done all the things they wanted, like putting the pissing dog on the driver's seat near the meter maid, and are ready to unfreeze the time)

Zak: Shall we?

Francesca: (puts hand on Zak's shoulder) Make it so, Number One.

(Zak looks at her in confusion and then laughs)

Francesca: What? We have Star Trek in Venezuela.

Zak: (offers her the watch) Do it.

(NC just squints at this, arms folded)

NC: There's only so far your First Contact cred can go, Xanatos.

NC (vo): Of course, insanity ensues to the wrongdoers, (Francesca is seen on the back seat of the bicycle Zak is riding, and her skirt is waving) Francesca's skirt almost gets us a PG-13, and they're off to see their friend Meeker take on the bullies at a record scratching competition.

(Shots of the competition play with hip-hop music so 90s it hurts)

NC: (throws his arms in the air) Oh, just throw twenty on there! (9Deez Slow Death Count goes up to 28) I don't have time to count them all.

NC (vo): But it turns out Meeker really sucks at record scratching. So, why would you enter a contest you know you'd be awful at?

(Meeker's terrible scratching starts to make the crowd boo at him. Cut to Zak and Francesca standing in the crowd)

Francesca: He's really not very smooth, is he?

NC: Yeah, that's a shame. Now, DJ Beaker, that would be a jam!

(Cut to the crowd cheering, with a Photoshopped Beaker making mi-mi-mi-mo noises to a hip-hop soundtrack. Zak and Francesca start moving in hypertime, as they move Meeker around so that it looks like he's doing awesome looking dance moves)

NC (vo): Zak has an idea, though, as they start moving Meeker around in hypertime to make it look like he's doing a bunch of crazy dance moves.

(Meeker's dancing gets the crowd cheering, as it cuts in-between hypertime with Zak and Francesca moving Meeker, and real time where the two aren't visible)

NC: (confused) Umm...¡tengo preguntas! (Spanish for "I have questions!")

NC (vo): The watch makes them move fast, NOT be invisible. If he (Meeker) moved at the speed they were showing, all people would see is a blur, and his brain'd probably fall out of his ears! Second, does Meeker just think he's possessed? He's smiling and having fun, but I'd be like-

NC: (doing frantic dance moves in his chair) The Devil is IN ME! I AM THE BEGINNING OF HIS EVIL REIGN!

NC (vo): Third, how are they even keeping in beat with the music if they're moving at different time lengths? They sure are keeping step pretty good!

NC: Fourth, those pants.

(Cut to the shot of the pants Meeker is wearing. They just scream 90's)

NC (vo): I...know that doesn't connect as much, but you look like a midlife crisis (picture of Bill Murray wearing a t-shirt with a similar design to Meeker's trousers is shown) on the lower half of Bill Murray! (9Deez Slow Death Count goes up to 29) No, don't count that! I...I don't know what that is.

(The crowd is now chanting "Go Meeker!" as the latter rolls on his head at extreme speed)

NC: (unsure) Nickelodeon presents...what we're pretty sure kids are into! We think.

(And we go to commercial. When we're back, we see Francesca saying goodbye to Zak)

NC (vo): After a fun night of power and pleasure, Zak and Francesca seem to be getting closer.

(Francesca kisses Zak on the lips. He smiles)

Francesca: What? I wanted to kiss you.

NC: (shifts eyes in confusion) Well, yeah, we...kinda put that together. (He squints. The "aftermath" of the kiss is shown again, but NC is still squinting)

NC (vo): Zak makes it home, still in hypertime, only to find people have broken into his home, moving at the same speed. Okay, does that also mean they're moving in hypertime, or is this just inconsistency #72 now?

(Zak goes into his house, grabs a baseball bat and slowly walks to the basement door)

NC: (as Zak) Ohhh, I hope Gizmo's okay.

(Zak encounters Jay, one of Gates' henchmen. Zak throws the bat at her, but she catches it and swings it around. Zak then proceeds to run away)

NC: (as Zak) Ha! While you were showing off, I ran away! (After a beat, he speaks normally) Idiot!

(Cut to Zak riding along with Earl)

NC (vo): He comes across Stewart, though, who tries to get the watch back, while also trying to escape the bad guys.

(They drive off a bridge and fall into the river as the Goofy holler is heard)

NC (vo): He gets away from the hospital he's put up in dressed as a cop, but realizes he needs help. (Zak goes to Meeker at the shop) Eeh, someone less annoying. (Cut to Francesca at her room, with a "pop" sound effect added) That'll do! He goes back to Francesca's house, whose family is in the middle of filming an Olive Garden commercial.

(As Francesca dines with her family at a very luxurious table, the audio from the aforementioned vintage commercial is heard and the Olive Garden logo is shown on the lower left)

Announcer (audio): The Olive Garden Italian restaurant. Where all the best of Italy is yours!

(The screen fades to black and the logo moves to the center of the screen. Cut to Zak speaking to Francesca)

Zak: I know this sounds weird, and it's the last thing you want to hear from a guy after one date, but...the cops are looking for me.

NC: (chuckles) Again, there's some funny lines in this movie. This actually isn't that poorly-written dialogue.

Francesca: You raked my leaves. I can't let you go alone.

NC: (after a beat) Most of the time. (points at the camera) You say weird things.

NC (vo): So, like she said, she's not letting him go alone. She's with him all the way to the very-

(Cut to Francesca sleeping in Zak's car, with NC providing the loud snoring. We skip to a scene where Earl kidnaps Zak and Francesca by putting them in garbage truck)

NC (vo): But they're abducted by Stewart, who once again wants the watch back, but faces resistance.

Earl: That's actually not...

(Francesca kicks him in the face. A moment of silence occurs)

Earl: ...Limber. (passes out)

NC: All in favor of French Stewart never calling a girl "limber"... (A bunch of hands go up in the air) Thank you.

(Zak interrogates Earl in a hotel room with pretty weird-looking, red-figured walls while Francesca goes out of the shower, wearing a towel)

NC (vo): They take him to the Hotel La Bleeding Eye Wallpaper, where they try to get some answers.

Zak: This is really messed up!

Earl: do you think I feel?

Francesca: I think he's lying. Do you want me to kick him again?

Zak: Yeah, all right.

(Earl smiles at this)

NC: I don't like that look he gave her. I think you should stay very far away from that girl.

Zak: Well, then, I can just drop you off at QT. I'm sure Gates would love to have you back.

(Francesca comes out of the bathroom again, and is fully dressed now)

Zak: Now... (shows the watch to Earl) Can you fix this?

NC: (confused) Why do we cut to a shot of her coming out of the bathroom? It's not a problem, I guess. Just odd. (After a moment, he takes out a DVD of the movie) Actually, I think that's the description on the back of the box. (On the back cover, there really is the caption "It's not a problem, I guess. Just...odd")

NC (vo): So they go to an annual science convention to get materials to build liquid nitrogen guns to freeze anyone in hypertime. This convention is so popular, even directors make cameos at it. (The green arrow points to Jonathan Frakes' cameo as a bystander, looking at Zak and others and shaking his head) He's shaking his head, saying, "Man, I wanted some Borg eye-gouging in this movie. But it's a Nick film!" (Cut to the same bystander at the Pro-Clone Organization stand, waving off at the people)

Earl: You're starting to sound like your dad. (imitates Dr. Gibbs) Let's step back, look at our options...

Zak: Shut up! I'm nothing like him.

Earl: Oh, come on. I meant it as a compliment, all right?

NC: (as Earl) I just wanted to remind you your connection with your dad is still a thing.

Zak: I can sell that on eBay.

NC: Oh, and eBay! That's still a thing, too. (looks around) You still interested in that car? Whatever happened to Meeker?

(After getting the packs with paintball guns similar to the Ghostbusters' ones, Zak and Francesca start shooting the frozen nitrogen at Gates' people)

NC (vo): They gear up in their Ghostbusters/Mario Sunshine gear and start freezing the other people in hypertime at the bad guys' headquarters. But they get caught and show that they've kidnapped Zak's dad to figure out how to use hypertime without aging. But when government agents led by the asshole doctor from Scrubs want the information the villains have...

(Gates discovers that the NSA agents are about to break in)

Gates: You can't come in.

Agent Moore (Ken Jenkins): (overdubbed by audio of Dr. Bob Kelso from Scrubs episode "My Growing Pains") What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn't give a crap? (in a higher voice) Bob Kelso!

NC (vo): ...they (NSA) get in their intimidating black cars... (The 9Deez Death Count goes up to 29) ...and rush the building. However, the bad guys decide to put the whole building in hypertime and kill our heroes. So Zak figures out how to do hypertime in hypertime.

NC: Or, as Fry calls it, "the 100th cup of coffee". (A screenshot from Futurama episode "Three Hundred Big Boys", picturing Fry glowing green by entering the hypertime, is shown)

(Zak accelerates while in hypertime and becomes "light". His hand goes through the table)

Dr. Gibbs: Your molecules are moving so fast, your hand went right through the table.

Francesca: Are you okay?

Zak: I have no idea.

NC: (as Dr. Gibbs) So, how are we able to speak to you? Are you just saying things very slowly and being unbelievably patient with us?

(Francesca comes closer to Zak, with whom now she can't make physical contact)

NC (vo): Oh, wait, wait, I've seen this. Demi Moore says "ditto", and then he goes into the Close Encounters ship. It's a tearjerker every time.

(Zak goes through the wall to Gibbs, but the latter shoots nitrogen at him, taking Zak back to normal time)

NC (vo): I guess, fittingly, the hyper-hypertime goes pretty quick, and he isn't in it for very long, but it's just long enough to pull the lever to set them free. But Biehn gets the drop on them.

Gates: Hey! (sprays the nitrogen on Francesca and freezes her) Say "good night", little man.

NC: (chuckles) He said that like a third-grade bully! So...

NC (vo): ...the big bullies are just non-threats, and the actual threat is just a big bully?

NC: I feel like all the villains are just a few steps behind in this movie.

(Earl appears and shoots Gates with paintball gun, freezing him)

NC (vo): But Stewart comes in to save the day, and everybody is finally reunited with their families.

(Jenny Gibbs hugs her husband)

Jenny: Oh, thank God you're okay.

NC (vo, as Jenny): I had a role in this movie! It had lines and everything. (normal) The father even made an anti-aging device to get French Stewart back to his actual young age.

(Teenager Earl (Miko Hughes) drives up to Francesca and the Gibbs family. He is dubbed by Stewart)

Teenager Earl: Oh, hey, Mrs. G, how's it hangin'?

Jenny: Dopler?

NC: Okay, I somehow doubt French Stewart looked like that as a kid! He can actually open his eyes.

(As the gang drives off into the distance, the police car chases after them, but it is revealed Zak actually kept the watch and he activates it to get away from the police)

NC (vo, as Zak): Ha-ha! Soon, the world will know our wrath! Mercy is for the dead!

NC: So that was Clockstoppers,'s really not that bad.

(Footage of the movie is shown as NC goes to the closing summary)

NC (vo): The biggest flaw is probably its main characters, who are written a little too generic. And once in a while, there's a science detail that, even in a kids' film, is a little distracting. But the adult actors are a lot of fun, the idea is still creative, it has some inventive shots, and even the effects, for the most part, hold up pretty well. It's definitely a corny time capsule in both plot and identity, but as kids' action flicks go, it's...okay. While there's a lot to make fun of, there's also a lot of fun to make, too.

NC: So, yeah. I know this isn't really as angry as you'd expect. Um... (After a beat, he raises his voice) But Nickelodeon still made (poster of...) The Last Airbender! (The booing audience is heard) Oooh! Never forgive, never forget! Oooh! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... (shakes his fist as he gets up) This was an angry review! Oooh!

(He leaves, but not before shaking the fist to the camera one last time. The credits roll)

Channel Awesome tagline - Vice Principal: That's a perfectly good trash can! Don't be throwing students at it.

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