Christmas With The Kranks
December 15, 2015
(After the opening, we see a Nostalgia Critic, looking very irritated)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Especially when you shouldn't have to. By God, is today's movie bad! It is one of the worst Christmas flicks you could possibly see! It's a wonderful little piece-of-shit bomb called "Christmas with the Kranks"!
(The title is shown, before showing clips from the movie)
NC (vo): This is based on the John Grisham novel. Yes, (cover of "The Firm" by John Grisham is shown) that John Grisham. He was so good at making white people afraid of the justice system, that, I guess, he decided to make white people afraid of Christmas, too. He succeeded, but in a way he probably didn't intend. It's mind-blowing how little this movie tries, how tired the writing is, how it doesn't attempt in any way to give us anything new! The jokes are years old, the acting is like something out of the 50s, its message is beyond half-assed and lazy, it's just friggin' horrendous!
NC: It's so bad I wish I could give this review as little effort as possible.
(After a small explosion, Santa Christ, along with Malcolm and Tamara dressed as elves, appears)
SC: Did somebody say "wish"?
NC: No. No, no, no. I'm not doing that, Santa Christ, no. I am not going to dignify this review with any kind of effort whatsoever.
Tamara: Well, we put this costumes on for no reason. (Malcolm and Tamara take off their Santa hats)
Malcolm: Care for an Yuletide hamper?
Tamara: You know it.
SC: Wait! The side-boobs! Get back here, you pointy-eared lushes! Critic, what's going on?!
NC: This movie tries so little to be anything interesting or good I want to devote as litlle effort as possible to it! (A sad music starts playing) Like the good old days, you know. Before I had a budget or a studio...just talked in from the camera, I didn't have to try as hard. Things were easier and better then.
SC: Well, the said way you were going to put effort into would've made that happen. BUT since you're not interested... (Starts to leave, but NC stops him)
NC: NO! No, no, no! No! I want to give this film the same shit-port delivery it gave me!
SC: Very well, then.
(A dramatic music plays as thunder starts rumbling. NC puts his hand on Santa Christ's shoulder)
SC: By the discontinuous powers that somehow killed me in the Cinema Snob crossover yet to brought to be back...
NC: Yeah, sorry about that.
SC: Dick. ...I send you to the past!
(An explosion sends NC and SC to...Doug Walker's parents' hallway)
NC: No, this is just my folks' place.
SC: NOT just your folks' place! Your folks' place in 2007! (Beat) A.D.
NC: You mean I can see...?
(NC and SC go into a room with yellow walls where the first episodes of this show were filmed. We see an NC from 2007, wearing an other black cap and a red shirt, but without his red tie. He notices his current self)
NC: It's young me!
Past NC: Holy shit! (He stands up) What's going on here?
NC: Hey, you wanna travel to the future for a day?
Past NC: Really? I get to see all the new ideas Hollywood comes up with?
NC: That's right. All three of them.
Past NC: I'm in!
SC: Come with me, you slightly overweight scamp.
(SC and Past NC disappear back to 2015. 2015 NC sits back down)
NC: Ah... Hello, shitty camera. Hello, shity lights. Hello, shitty movie. This is the cheapest possible review I can give to you. No budget, no cutaways, just one asshole piece of shit talking to another asshole piece of shit. This is Christmas with the Kranks.
NC (vo): The movie opens with a convention center doubling as an airport (LA Convention Center based on what we see), where two parents, played by Jamie Lee Curtis and Tim Allen, are saying goodbye to their daughter who's just off to join the Peace Corps. As we also say goodbye to the only bit of human decency the film will offer us.
Nora: I just need a couple of things for chips.