Christmas Story 2
December 16, 2014
(We start off today's episode in the kitchen as Nostalgia Critic is joined by Jeremy Scott of Cinema Sins)
Jeremy: Sometimes watching a movie isn't enough.
Nostalgia Critic: You also want to eat that movie.
Both: And that's why there's Movie Recipes.
(We then come to the Cinema Sins Movie Recipe. In the corner is a disclaimer saying "We taste, but don't swallow. The reactions are real. Do not try this at home.")
NC: Today, we're gonna show you how to make Christmas Story 2 eggnog.
Jeremy (vo): Start off by finding the most beloved Christmas treat you can imagine, and pour only a drop of it into your blender. (NC takes a swig of eggnog before Jeremy puts a turkey baster into it, pulling out some of the eggnog, then putting just a few drops in the blender.) Because even though it was perfect the way it was, we need to update it despite the fact that nobody asked us to.
NC (vo): (Showing off a package of Smart Dogs before dumping them into the blender.) Next, you'll want to put in a vegan hotdog, because clearly there's no meat to this product whatsoever.
Jeremy (vo): After that, you'll want to find a drumstick that's been needlessly used for slapping. (He slaps NC across the face with a chicken drumstick.) Renditions of classics often contain unnecessary slapstick.
(The guys put their chins in their hands.)
NC (vo): What's that? You didn't laugh at that joke? Well then, clearly we're making the right recipe.
Jeremy (vo): Naturally, you're gonna need stars. Look deep in the back of your fridge for the leftover star fruit that's expired way past its prime. It hasn't aged well and you probably forgot it even existed. (NC pulls out said star fruit and tosses it in the blender, giving a thumbs up.) But it's cheap, it's available and that's all that really matters.
NC (vo): (Pulling out a pitcher of water) Finally, water it down as much as you can so you can't recognize what it was trying to replicate in the first place. (NC fills the blender full of water along with the rest of the ingredients.)
Jeremy (vo): Blend whatever charm it had left into a creamy liquid, ready to be pointlessly forced down your throat. (The ingredients are thoroughly blended.)
NC (vo): Be sure it's poured into a glass that looks festive and tasteful, deceiving you into what you're about to subject yourself to... (The drink is poured into two Christmas mugs.)
Jeremy (vo): Finally, garnish with a lit cigarette, and enjoy. (A lit cigarette is tossed into one of the cups. Both looking very unhappy about what happens next, NC and Jeremy tap their cups together before taking a drink. The two of them soon run to the kitchen sink, puking their guts out!) Well, what other reaction would you have expected?
(And now we come to our opening! After the opening, we come to a shot of the city. Suddenly someone crashes down onto the ground and it's revealed to be Hyper Fangirl (Tamara Chambers) who's finally come down after being blown into orbit. Turns out she landed in front of Chester A. Bum holding his change cup.)
Chester: Welcome to Earth.
(HFG looks around before picking up a cigarette butt.)
HFG: I'll trade you this cigarette butt for your coat.
Chester: Oh my god, it must be my birthday!
(HFG is now walking down the street in Chester's coat while he's freezing, holding onto that cigarette butt like he got the better end of the deal)
Chester: Hehehe. S-s-sucker!
(HFG walks down the street when she looks over and sees NC setting up the lights in his room. He does a double take when he notices her, and she waves out to him. He ducks down to the floor, hoping she didn't see him. She soon walks down the street and NC picks himself up off the floor, making sure she's gone. One more shot is shown of her walking down the street by herself. She then realizes he saw her and doubles back over. NC's now sitting down at his chair.)
NC: Apologies. My psychotic kind-of ex-girlfriend just landed...after being blown up...by a PlayStation 3 that wasn't even plugged in. It's a long story. Anyway, I have worse taste to wash out of my mouth. For example, why the hell have we been trying to kill A Christmas Story the past ten years?
(Clips of A Christmas Story are shown, starting with the Old Man and the Leg Lamp.)
NC (vo): Remember when it used to be that little film that not too many people knew about, so you kind of shared it in the hopes that it would get more attention? (Pictures of Christmas Story merchandise are shown) And then it somehow ridiculously backfired to a point where now it gets too much fucking attention as a goddamn enterprise? I suppose in many respects, this is expected, but by God, they just market it in the most obnoxious way! There's never a sense that the advertisers are doing this because they like the movie. It's so obvious they're doing it because it's popular and will make a quick buck.
(Clip of one said commercial is shown)
Commercial-Ralphie: I want a Motorola C139 with texts and games and graphics.
Commercial-Santa: You'll run the bill up, kid! Ho, ho, ho! (He then kicks Ralphie down the slide.)
NC (vo): Even if that is the reason behind it, you're not supposed to be so lazily blatant about it.
NC: This is where Christmas Story 2 comes in.
(Clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): Nowhere else will you find the needless, desperate, moneygrubbing whore element of Christmas than with the very idea of this film. It's such a horrible thought that even the trailer got probably the biggest amount of downvotes I've ever seen in awhile. (A picture of the Youtube page for the trailer is shown as the video has 15,455 downvotes.) I don't think Hitler could come back from the grave and get as many downvotes! If people say Christmas has gone commercial and lost its soul, this is the product to prove they're right. Because, yeah, 30 years later, we just demanded that the rest of the Christmas Story saga be told. We just couldn't sleep until that obvious cliffhanger ending was addressed.
NC: It just makes me realize how much Christmas has become glorifying, buying a bunch of bullshit that we don't actually need. What's next? (Fake DVD covers are shown for each movie.) It's A Wonderful Life II? A Christmas Carol 2? The Star Wars Holiday Special 2? When's it gonna end!? I swear, this special is so bad that not only has it put me off of the original story, but it may have put me off of Christmas altogether!
(HFG is watching from the window, smiling before picking up her phone and dialing someone. That someone happens to be Benny the Assassin (Malcolm Ray). He's reading Emma, listening to opera and polishing one of his guns. The phone rings and he answers it on his headset by tilting his head.)
HFG: Hi, Benny? It's Hyper Fangirl. How are you?
Benny: Not well. Just found out that Clueless is a fucking rip-off.
HFG: Well, I need your help. I finally know what to do to the Nostalgia Critic.
Benny: *sigh* Don't you ever learn your freaking lesson?
HFG: No, and $20 grand says neither do you.
Benny: I'll be there in ten minutes.
HFG: But you don't know where I am.
Benny: I know where everyone is. (He tilts his head to hang up. HFG looks confused.)
NC: So, with the ceremonial swearing of a Channel Awesome producer who's already reviewed this.
(That producer being MikeJ)
MikeJ: Merry motherfucking Christmas, you cu--
NC: This is Christmas Story 2.
NC (vo): We open with what I know you've seen an abundance of in the first film: CGI backdrops. Oh, it's like I'm back in the 40s already. To the film's credit, they do try to sepia tone it so that it looks a bit more like the first film, but it comes out like the Lifetime Network and the Hallmark Channel took a piss on the same negative.
Narrator: A few winters had passed and yet another one had come screaming over Lake Michigan in the middle of the night.
NC (vo): The narrator is voiced by the writer of this shitstain, and though doing a decent mimic of the original author, his shaky voice sounds like he's saying these lines with a gun to his head.
(Randy, Ralphie's little brother is shooting the milkman with a raygun who pretends to be shot as he gets the newspaper.)
Narrator: Randy was a fledgeling Buck Rogers fanatic, who had his own way of braving life's little conflicts in this world or any other.
(NC is shown holding a binder to represent the script, hands shaking in fear.)
NC: (imitating the narrator) They forced me to write this or they'd take away my other testicle!!! (gun click) .....I mean, "It was a beautiful day in Indiana....."
(Ralphie's looking at himself in the mirror)
Narrator: And there I am, with that same dumb round face, and the same penetrating 20/90 vision.
NC (vo): Yes, the more we say the word "same," the more we hope it'll mentally brainwash you into thinking that they actually are the same. They're not, of course, as we see the father is now played by Daniel Stern, portraying him as an overcooked Rodney Dangerfield.
Dad: I'm telling you, boys, if I earn that team, things would be a whole lot different.
NC: (as Dad) Great, another role I can do with bug eyes and speaking out of the side of my mouth!
NC (vo): To the actor's credit, the kid playing Ralphie (Braeden Lemasters) actually does a decent job. He captures the spirit of the original performer but still manages to make it his own. The rest? Well, remember that bad community college play you had to watch a long time ago?
Dad: You're letting this joker cut in? It's dog eat dog out here! Stake your claim! (He reaches over and mashes the horn.) Son of a bitch!
NC: (as Dad) This is how I really am! I swear I'm not playing a character! Son of a bitch catchphrase!
NC (vo): But, of course, maybe I like Ralphie's acting in this because he barely gets a fucking line. Practically 90% of his dialogue is the voiceover narration, and it never shuts up.
Narrator: The Old Man maintained his well deserved status./The Old Man lived for the thrill of the hunt./The Old Man's scheme was always the same./The Old Man remained positive in his encouragement./The Old Man was a veritable cliché repository./As the Old Man would say...
NC (vo): Why don't you just marry the fucking Old Man!?
NC: Jesus Christ, the audiobook has less narration than this!
NC (vo): We don't need every single moment of life explained to us, guy!
(NC is shown opening the fridge, grabbing a Pepsi.)
Narrator: Then I opened the fridge. I look confused because I heard a strange voice. (NC is confused about the voice) Then I closed the fridge because if not, the cold would get out. (He closes the fridge) I then drank my soda and began walking back. (He walks out of the kitchen) I started with the left foot, then proceeded with the right foot, then proceeded with the left foot, then proceeded with the right foot.
(Back to the movie)
Narrator: Drusilla Gootrad. My sweet Drusilla.
NC (vo): Oh, look, the only character in the movie to have less lines than Ralphie. The out-of-place millennial girlfriend who you, of course, want to see get with Ralphie because...well, she's hot and doesn't say anything, and apparently, those were great qualities in the 40s.
Narrator: The rest of us would have to settle for being with her in our dreams.
(We then get an imagination sequence where Drusilla's being held captive by a Nazi agent.)
NC (vo): Oh, hey, daydreaming. Because...
NC: First movie.
Nazi: I could help to...refresh your memory. (Drusilla spits on him, after which he wipes his face with his hand, kisses it, and laughs.)
NC: Eew. That's so weird addition to have in your fantasy. In fact, let's have a Perverted Ralphie Counter on the side. I just get the feeling we're gonna need it throughout this film. (And just for good measure, that moment ends up being number 1.)
(Back in dreamland, Ralphie as an American soldier busts in through the window and shoots a fan that falls on top of the Nazi's head, knocking him out.)
Drusilla: (with French accent) Oh, mon cherie, you saved me from a fate worse than death.
NC: No, no, you're still in the movie, honey.
NC (vo): One of the subplots in this film is that Ralphie and his Old Man are looking to buy a used car. Ralphie sees the car he wants and has yet another fantasy where he's a blonde Al Franken, and sneaks an ad for what he wants in the paper because, like I said, (silly voice) first movie!
(Smoke and ash soon come out of one of the grates, surprising Dad.)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, guess what after all these years still isn't fixed?
(Dad is ranting and raving as he tries to get the furnace working again.)
NC (vo): So, wait, they can afford another car, but not a new furnace? Well, I guess it does give us a barrel of laughs that clearly is never opened.
(The next scene is Ralphie at music class playing the cymbals, standing above and behind Drusilla.)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Ralphie fetishizes more at school about his millennial girlfriend, and just tell me he doesn't up the creepiness in this scene.
(Ralphie is banging his cymbals a bit too enthusiastically.)
Narrator: For 45 minutes, twice a week, Drusilla and I could be together, close enough to smell her lavender scented shampoo. (Ralphie leans in close to take a big inhale of Drusilla's hair)
NC: Oh, yeah, that's definitely going on the counter. (The counter goes from 1 to 2.)
Narrator: Someday, my beauty, there'll be a veil upon that hair, and I'll lift it so our lips can meet as they pronounce us man and wife.
(Ralphie goes out of control with his cymbals, and acts like he's having an orgasm. Flick, one of Ralphie's friends, has to put a hand on his shoulder to get him to stop.)
NC: Jesus Christ, kid! Put a few more on there! That was really fucked up! (The counter jumps from 2 to 5!)
Music teacher: A little less holiday spirit, Mr. Parker.
NC: (as the music teacher) And change your pants.
Music teacher: From the top, people.
NC (vo): (as Drusilla) Hmm, you know, I wonder what was poking me in the back of my head--(the way Ralphie's moving makes it look like he's the one, well, poking her in the back of the head) Oh, my God. (normal) So Ralphie sees that his car might be bought by another buyer. So, in a move that I'm sure invites no negative repercussions whatsoever, Ralphie gets inside the car so...he can go through those negative repercussions I'm sure he won't go through.
(Ralphie tries to get out of the car, but his pant leg gets caught on the stick shift, making it go into reverse and down the street. He gets out of his pants to get out of being stuck as the car bumps gently into a street light.)
NC (vo): You know, I think there's other ways around this, Ralphie, rather than taking off your pants. (And the counter goes up to 6.)
(A cable then snaps, making a reindeer decoration fall in slo-mo towards the car.)
Ralphie: (slo-mo) Oooohhhhh, fffffffuuuuuuuu--
NC: (slo-mo) Because first movie.
NC (vo): So they destroy the car and the owner says he has to pay him back $85 to fix it, which back then is, like, I don't know, a billion bucks or something. This, of course, calls for another stinking fantasy!
(Ralphie's fantasy now involves him in a prison jumpsuit as he's led down the hall by Flick as a priest and Schwartz as a guard.)
Flick: You wish for absolution, my son?
Schwartz: Dead kid walking!
NC (vo): You know, wouldn't his daydreaming have grown up a bit? I mean, he's a teenager, but he still dreams like he's a 10-year old boy. It makes no sense.
NC: Gee, let me think about where I'm gonna vacation to next year. (A thought bubble appears to reveal Candy Land.) Maybe I can eat the taxi driver.
NC (vo): So he tries to ask his father about getting the money.
Dad: You need a little extra dough for Christmas, right? Why don't you get something nice for your mother? I'll give you a buck. I'll give you two!
Ralphie: Could I have 83 more?
Dad: Why? (Mom is doing laundry when Dad starts yelling.) WHAT!? (It then turns into a long string of angrish.)
NC (vo): (as Dad) Oh, sorry! My supposed-to-be-funny outburst has been replaced with soothing hiccuping and constipation grunts. It may not make you laugh, but I'm Daniel Stern. I'm used to it.
Ralphie: It's Christmas, right? Higbees will hire anybody on Christmas! We'll go tomorrow!
NC (vo): So he gets an idea to get a job at the local department store.
Narrator: I'd be the kind of part-time holiday help that legends are made of.
(Another fantasy sequence is shown as he's rewarded Employee of the Year by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.)
President: My fellow Americans.
NC (vo): Oh, my God! STOP WITH THE FANTASIES! I think both Scrubs AND Family Guy have less cutaways than you!
(One of the people in the audience cheering Ralphie on is Drusilla.)
NC (vo): (as Ralphie) I still know nothing about you, but the audience is supposed to support my shallowness for some reason!
NC: God, and it doesn't stop there. There's still, like, a million more fucking fantasies throughout the rest of this film. Jesus, could somebody just put me out of my misery and shoot me in the head?
(A sniper scope is shown pointed at NC as he rants on. Benny has a rifle aimed at NC while HFG watches.)
Benny: I've got him in my sight.
HFG: Alright, Critic. Time to show you the true meaning of Christmas. (Another shot of NC through the scope) Fire.
(Benny soon takes the shot and we get a bulletcam of the shot hitting NC...only it's not a bullet but an arrow with a suction cup and a phone tied to it.)
NC: To any other person, this might seem strange.
(He presses a button and we get a video of HFG and Benny in front of a red background with snow falling behind them.)
HFG: Hi, Critic! We heard you were getting the blues about Christmas, so we decided to show you why you originally loved one of your favorite holiday classics.
(Benny blows a kazoo and the two start singing to the tune of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" as clips from the original movie are shown.)
Both: The wanton violence so glaring/The constant underage swearing/Creepy Santa is so sharing/For scaring your kids...
NC: Please say you're done.
Both: Chinese singing that offends you/That lamp we know you jerked off to...
(NC turns the video off)
Benny: I don't think it worked.
HFG: This must be a really bad movie. Come on. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! (The two of them get off the couch and leave the room.)
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): They go out to get a turkey for Christmas, but Papa's not happy that the price has gone up.
Butcher: Uh, no, sir. 40 cents a pound.
Dad: We're not paying for that!
Mom: We do this once a year. Once. Drumsticks, giblets.
Dad: 40. Four zero.
Mom: We use it in sandwiches, we make turkey salad, chili, soup. It never stops giving. Oh, honey, it's Christmas. Let it go.
Dad: I can't! No!
NC (vo): This is what you've been waiting 30 years to see, folks. The cent per pound debate that just demanded to be seen in everybody's home! Every minute this movie plays, a snowman is hairdrying itself to death.
NC: But thankfully, some "real"...
NC (vo): ...comedy is ready to start as Ralphie and the gang get ready to begin their jobs.
(Ralphie and his friends are working the gift wrapping section until someone shouts out.)
Woman: Where's my baby?
(Suddenly one of the presents next to Schwartz starts crying and he has that "I fucked up" look. The mother, of course, faints.)
NC: But, hey, near infant suffocation is understandable in anybody's first day.
NC (vo): That's why they don't get fired and instead just transfer to different parts of the store.
Boss: Observe. Excuse me, miss? Care to sample our new fragrance? (He shows Schwartz how to give out samples of perfumes to customers. The customer likes it and moves on.) You think you can manage that?
(Cut to a black and white NC surrounded by pies.)
NC: Now I expect these banana cream pies not to be touched by the end of the evening. (and we get a laugh track)
NC (vo): And, of course, this results in lowjinks. Which is kind of like hijinks, just not trying as hard.
(Schwartz tries to give out a sample of perfume, but sprays his own face instead. Flick not only trips on a footstool, but is trying to cram a shoe onto a woman's foot. Ralphie is trying to unhook a bra from a mannequin, which, of course, makes the counter go from 6 to 7. Ralphie gets it off, but ends up ripping the mannequin in half and falling backwards. Back to Flick, he has to pry the same shoe off of his customer. Once he does so, he ends up flinging it into some expensive glasses while falling onto the customer, accompanied by a Hanna-Barbera zing-out whistle.)
NC (vo): That was a "whee" sound effect, folks. We were desperate enough to put in a "whee" sound effect.
(As for Ralphie, everyone outside the store has seen his mannequin malfunction.)
NC: Oh-ho-ho-ho, clearly, someone has been learning from the masters. (A picture of Joel Schumacher (?) appears in the corner.)
NC (vo): Naturally, even these fuck-ups aren't enough to get them fired!
NC: What do you have to do? Scalp a patron?
NC (vo): As they're given yet another wacky job to partake in.
Boss: Just stamp both copies. (He stamps ORDER FILLED on a pink copy and a yellow copy) File the yellow one in the tray and send the pink one... (he sends out the pink copy through mail tube) You think you can handle that?
(They, of course, nod. Cut to the chocolate factory clip from I Love Lucy.)
Foreman: Let 'er roll!
NC (vo): But Flick just finds it's too tempting NOT to put his tongue inside the pipe, because, again, FIRTH MOOPHEE!
(Flick soon gets a vacuum around his tongue and lips like it's trying to rip them out! We, of course, get treated to a close-up of said tongue and lips.)
NC (vo): And there's your holiday image, folks. A prosthetic version of pipe cunnilingus.
(A graphic pops over the tongue again saying MERRY CHRISTMAS.)
NC (vo): (singing) And a Happy New Year. (normal) After that, they have to stand in as elves for a really mean-spirited Santa Claus, because DURST DOOTHEE! DURST DOOTHEE!
Santa: Ho ho ho.
NC (vo): (in dopey voice) Oh, my God! I remember that! I remember that! FERTH MOOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEH! (normal) This film sucks!
Santa: (getting a girl in his lap) Ho ho ho. All right, what's your story? What do you want?
NC (vo): (noticing Santa's gloves were shorter in one shot, then longer in another, as well as the girl wearing gloves when she's sitting on his lap, but the gloves disappear when she's getting her photo taken.) How about a new pair of gloves that disappeared in between shots?
Santa: "Eh, get off your lard-ass and make some money." Yeah, so she can spend it on punch bowls and cheap gin!
NC (vo): It's weird, because the Santa here is a lot more mean than in the last one, but, of course, because this store seems anti-progress, they decide not to fire him and get a new one. This results in what I suppose is supposed to be Ralphie standing up for Christmas.
Ralphie: You can all go home! No more Santa for you! He is not worth it!
NC (vo): But naturally, it's just a forced segue into... (For some reason, Flick and Schwartz are beating each other with candy canes.) I...I don't, whatever the hell this is.
Ralphie: Are you crazy? You're gonna get us fired, man! (That earns him a candy cane across the face, now making him get up and beat his friends with a candy cane.)
NC (vo): Oh, bullshit, haven't you heard? This place is like a cult! Once you go in, you can never fucking get out! You have to get a blowjob from the decapitated head of one of the customers in order to finally get kicked out of this place!
NC: Ugh! I need a drink! (A bottle of Peppermint Schnapps appears) Thank you.
(He pulls the cork out with his teeth and spits it out. He's about to take a swig when he realizes just where that bottle came from! Looking under the table, he sees HFG and Benny singing again.)
Both: Decoder rings that make Ralphie--
Both: --the bully getting his ass whipped--
(NC leaves the room, grabs a chair from another one and puts it against the door to keep the two of them in, then storms off! HFG starts clawing at the door.)
HFG: How are we gonna get out of here, Benny?
Benny: Don't worry. All I need is a bobby pin. (HFG takes one from her hair and gives it to him) And the complete works of Lewis Carroll. (she hands him a book.) Thanks.
HFG: Yeah, no problem.
(NC now sits on the couch.)
NC: Meanwhile, the father...
NC (vo): ...tries to go fishing on Fake CGI Bird Lake, as he plans to make fish this year's Christmas feast, seeing how it's cheaper. Even though the gas money driving out there repeatedly is probably costing him more than the damn turkey would.
(Suddenly the fishing line gets a hit and Mom and Dad are trying to get it up.)
Dad: Whoa-ho-ho, that's a monster!
(The fish comes up, but it seems Dad cut the hole way too small.)
Mom: It looks like your hole may be a little too small!
Dad: I know what it looks like! Here, hold this! (he hands the fishing rod over to Mom)
NC (vo): Yeah, too bad he doesn't make that hole for a fish that was supposed to be big enough to feed your family just a tiny bit fucking bigger!
NC: Maybe it costs more money.
NC (vo): They lose the fish, which results in, big shock, the father being a total dick again.
Mom: Sorry, I was just trying to help.
Dad: Heh heh heh. Haven't you done enough of that already?
Mom: You know, I'm not quite sure what you mean?
Dad: That means that you jinxed it! That's what it means! It means that everything was going great till you showed up!
(Clip of the first movie as the Old Man cradles the broken Leg Lamp.)
NC (vo): You know, the father in the first film was tough and had his flaws, but he was still very likeable. (back to the sequel) This guy is just a complete asshole from beginning to end! What's his encore? Singing "Great Balls of Fire" at the Burn Ward?
(Ralphie and the gang are escorted out of Higbee's.)
Narrator: Our own employment picture grew significantly dimmer that evening when I lost the first, and only, job I'd ever had.
NC (vo): Hey, there is such a thing as Christmas miracles.
(Mom and Randy are out caroling out with others. The carol being sung is "Deck the Halls".)
Narrator: I knew I'd probably never experience a Christmas quite like this one, and I wasn't alone. My mother realized that in a sense, she, too, was about to be relieved of a job. That one day, soon, it would be time to let go of her son.
NC: Is that what we were supposed to be taking out of this? I think this is the first time this is being addressed.
(Cut to a picture of Sigourney Weaver as Ripley in Alien.)
NC (vo): It's like the focus of Alien was supposed to be the cat. (The picture then pans over to Jones the cat.)
NC: I don't think you have the attention in the right spot.
NC (vo): Ralphie has a talk with his father because, apparently, seeing a groan man bitch and moan like a whiny brat against the flattest forest in the world can't help but open a guy up.
Dad: You know what they say. Sometimes it's the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.
Ralphie: I know just what that means.
NC (vo): So, with his newly found fortune cookie philosophy, he goes back to the store to ask for his old job back.
Ralphie: Sir, if you give me one more shot, you will not regret it.
NC (vo): One more shot? He's given (counting all the jobs Ralphie's had in the store) 1, 2, 3, too fucking many!
Boss: Very well. (chuckles) I wish I wasn't such a softie.
NC (vo): (as Boss) But, hey, there's just something about the way he wrapped up a baby, felt up a mannequin and mentally scarred dozens of children for life that seems to be right for the store.
(Ralphie comes out of the store wearing a reindeer outfit. Because FIRTH FOODEE!)
NC (vo): So he gets a job advertising outside dressed as a reindeer. And what does he do with his all too important second chance? Pfft, try to fuck it up, of course!
(Ralphie is shaking a sign advertising the store while a Nazi looking person is ringing a bell for the Salvation Army. Suddenly, the two get into a battle over who can get more attention with Ralphie jumping up and down and the other guy ringing his bell.)
NC (vo): What the fuck am I watching right now? No, I legitimately have no idea! He's having a spasm attack because this weird Gestapo guy isn't ringing the bell right? So much for learning any responsibility! What a deer-bag!
Salvation Army guy: Lousy cotton-tailed klutz!
Ralphie: Sorry, I'll pick it up!
(One of the dollar bills flies away, only for a mean looking thug to pick it up.)
Ralphie: Uh, sir, that five. The guy in the corner's collecting money.
Thug: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ralphie: Actually, you do.
(And Ralphie gets a fist to the gut for his trouble as the thug sticks the $5 bill onto one of his antlers.)
NC (vo): Wait, he punched him in the gut, yet he's giving his money back? That's the kindest abuser of teenagers in reindeer suits I've ever seen.
NC: And to be fair, I've seen a couple.
NC (vo): As he's counting the money, he sees he's still $1 short.
Ralphie: I just need a dollar! One lousy dollar!
(Schwartz starts walking away before Flick catches on.)
Flick: What's in the pocket, Schwartz?
(We get a scene of Bilbo and Gollum from The Hobbit.)
Gollum: That's no fair...ask us another one!!
Schwartz: You can't have my lucky buck.
(The two of them tackle Schwartz down trying to get his dollar. Randy opens the door and sees the shenanigans going on, even getting Schwartz's pants as they fly off. In the end, Ralphie is victorious.)
NC: Okay, I'm sorry! I have questions.
NC (vo): One, a dollar's worth more than it is now, but I think it's still possible to get one. Hell, even his cheapskate father was offering him one. Two, why the hell are they taking off his pants? There's literally no reason for it! (That jumps the counter from 7 to 8!) Three, it's still Ralphie's problem, so why the hell are they stealing from him? It's not like this other kid played any part in ruining the car. Nothing like a little Christmas theft to get in the giving mood!
NC: Christmas: (he takes his gun out) GIVE ME THE FUCKIN' MONEY!
NC (vo): So he wants to pay off the dealer while walking by one of those leg lamps because...
NC: (acting like a total idiot) DERST DOOBEE!
NC (vo): When he sees a poor family in the alley.
Homeless father: Looks like a white Christmas tomorrow. Well, that's the way it should be, right?
Ralphie: Yes, sir, it is. Merry Christmas.
NC (vo): (as Homeless child) And God forgive us for being in this film, everyone! (normal) So he decides to take the money he was going to pay the car dealer and take the poor family out for dinner instead. (and at the same Chinese restaurant as the first movie) Well, I'm sure glad being butt-raped in a jail cell isn't as important as giving food to a family that obviously was finding ways to eat already.
NC: And don't get me wrong, I know it's good to give over the holidays, it makes a lot of sense, (An ad appears for a perfume named Desperate appears him as he speaks) but for the love of God, if you're going to jail, fucking jail, I'd think the poor would understand (coming out from the ad are HFG and Benny) if you gotta use that money to pay something off, to keep your ass out of jail! I mean, that's not being greedy, that's just surviving, that's just being a human being trying to--
(Benny blows his kazoo and they start singing again.)
Both: The dumb clothes we all had to wear/The triple quadruple dog dare...
NC: (annoyed) How the hell'd you get out of my office?
Benny: I just made an extra door with what I had lying around.
(NC gets up and goes to his usual review room, seeing that there's now an extra door there!)
NC: What are you?
Benny: A-door-ing Christmas, as you should be.
HFG: We just don't want you to lose the holiday spirit, Critic.
NC: I swear, if I see your face again, I will lose your head in a corn field!! (he smacks the ad away, but then pulls it back) Okay, that was really dark and I don't condone that kind of behavior, but nevertheless, PISS OFF!! (he smacks the ad away again)
NC (vo): He goes to the dealer, telling him what he's done, and, of course, the dealer doesn't care!
Dealer: Skip it. You're done. (He stamps PAID onto the form.)
Ralphie: I am?
Dealer: Yeah, Merry Ho-Ho and all that, you know, spirit of the season.
NC (vo): So I guess the moral of the story is, the bailout is bad, unless the guy in charge of the bailout is bailing you out.
NC: Sounds like a Corporate America lesson to me.
NC (vo): Apparently, he's not the only one who gets bailed out. The mother uses the money she was saving up on the side to buy a fish, claiming that their father caught it.
Mom: Look at the dinner your father caught just for us.
Narrator: My brother never heard what really happened, and hasn't to this day.
NC (vo): (as Narrator) I just pray he never sees this movie. Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody will! (normal) They wake up the next morning to look at all the boxes with clearly nothing in them and they have, I suppose, a Merry enough Christmas.
(Randy gets a Buck Rogers rocket.)
Randy: Thank you, thank you!
Dad: I told you he'd like it. You wanted to get him socks.
NC (vo): (as mom) Well, last time I save your ass handing over my life's savings for a fucking carp. My God, what a terrible human being!
Ralphie: You guys get everything you wanted?
Dad: I'd say so.
Ralphie: I think I just saw a rat in the kitchen.
(Inside the kitchen is a Follow Me sign with a ribbon for dad to follow. He goes down to the basement and finds...the Leg Lamp!)
Dad: Isn't it beautiful?
NC (vo): So Ralphie apparently got his Old Man the lamp. Guess he spent part of his "Don't go to jail" money on that? And his father rewards him with, what else, the car he always wanted. You know, for a family they've been building up as financially struggling, they do get each other some fucking nice gifts, don't they? This, of course, catches the eye of our millennial.
Drusilla: You should really leave the car--
NC: (freaking out!) Holy shit, it talks! I'm sorry, I just assumed you communicated through blinking or something.
Drusilla: Do you remember the other day in front of Higbee's? Antlers, sleigh bells?
Ralphie: Uh, yeah.
NC: (acting awkwardly like Ralphie) I'm just gonna act out the trope like I'm embarrassed and you're not gonna like me for that, even though you obviously are.
Drusilla: Takes a lot of guts to stand up to a jerk like that.
NC: (mock surprise) Whaaaaaaaaat?
NC (vo): So he asks his dad if he can drive around the block with her and, of course, he says yes. (Ralphie's driving down the street with Drusilla, who curls up next to him and gives him a kiss on the cheek) Aww, isn't that sweet? They've only just now actually started talking to each other and already, she's all over him. This can only end with a final creepy moment from Ralphie who, of course, sees nothing wrong with this at all.
(Ralphie takes one more big sniff of her hair, putting the counter up to 9 as he drives off into the sunrise, then fade to black. HFG comes into the scene.)
HFG: And they all died in a terrible car accident very shortly after.
NC: Oh, my God! (NC is facepalming)
HFG: Which is why the original is so much better!
(She and Benny start singing again)
Both: The pole trick we wanted to try/The--
(Benny's phone rings. He takes out his headset and answers it.)
Benny: Yeah? Two minutes. Gimme a second. I have a job. (he cocks his gun and leaves)
HFG: (tries to get him to stay, but she continues the song) The pole trick we wanted to try--
NC: (having had enough of her shit) That's it.
HFG: Dad actually wants a tie/Ralphie's telling such a big lie--(NC pulls her out of the scene by her ear) Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
(Benny comes back into the scene, having blood on his hands. Meanwhile, NC's gonna deal with HFG.)
NC: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you honestly think these actions are gonna win me over?
HFG: I ju--I di--
NC: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You break into my home, you kidnap me, you stalk me! I've had it up to fucking Jupiter with you!
HFG: I was just trying to get you back into the Christmas spirit by making you like Christmas Story again.
NC: I love Christmas! I love Christmas Story! (HFG feels relieved) It's you I can't stand! I mean, I swear, my life would be so much happier if you would just disappear from it!
HFG: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you trying to say here?
(NC is just about to rip his own face at HFG's stupidity!!)
NC: I HATE YOU! I hate everything about you! If there was a likeability scale between 1 and 10, you'd be negative Pi! You'd be outlawed in 28 states just so people don't have to talk to you again! If they were to make a cologne out of you, it'd be called Essence of Annoying! If cancer got cancer, you'd be the one they would name it after! Knock knock!
HFG: (heart visibly broken) Who's there?
NC: Nobody! Because nobody would ever want to see you! When people ask monks what the meaning of life is, they'd say stay away from your dumb ass! You're Beethoven's lost symphony, Death to Joy! Would everyone in an orange sweater, brown hair, glasses and a likeable personality please raise their hand? (She raises her hand) You're too stupid to even get that joke! (he pulls down an evolutionary scale chart. HFG's going the other way, and under the name Homo moronicus) On the evolutionary scale, you're the only one that's walking backwards! You're the Surgeon General's warning on every pack of cigarettes! (Suddenly he's a cheerleader) Gimme an I, gimme an H, gimme an A-T-E-U! (Back to his normal clothing) IIIIIII HAAAATE YOOOUUUUU!!!!
(HFG is just about on the verge of tears.)
HFG: Okay, Critic. Guess that's how you feel.
NC: W-wait, what are you doing?
HFG: I'm just gonna go then.
NC: You can't do that. That's...that's cheating. (She puts on Bum's coat and pulls the hood up, leaving the room) This wasn't how it played out in my head.
(Now she's walking down the street, sobbing. NC tries to stop her, but he can't think of anything to say. He goes back inside and leans against the wall, feeling quite guilty. Coming into the room is Santa Christ.)
NC: Ahh! Santa Christ, why are you here?
SC: Well, I heard someone was trying to make A Christmas Story 2 eggnog and I thought, well, I'd give it a whirl. (He takes a much bigger swig than NC, which surprises him!) Wow, that was a bad idea.
NC: Santa Christ, I need your help on something. I just threw out this really annoying person named Hyper Fangirl.
SC: Well, what did she do?
NC: She tried to make me appreciate Christmas. (he just realizes where he messed up)
SC: Wow. You're a douche.
NC: No, no, no, it's not like that. She did all these terrible things and she deserves to be punished for it.
SC: Well, last I heard, she was flying 35,000 feet through the air, completely set on fire. Sounds like punishment enough to me.
NC: You're not gonna be on my side, are you?
SC: I don't think you're on your side.
NC: This dumbass movie.
(Footage from A Christmas Story 2 plays as NC speaks)
NC (vo): It filled me with so much hate this Christmas, I forgot about the things that really are great. Christmas Story is overplayed and overcommercialized, and yes, it's ironic that a film based in simple truths in a small town environment would be blown up into this marketing monster of kitsch, with this piece of shit sequel being the crown of it. But that doesn't mean what was already good and simple can't remain good and simple. Hell, if looked at the right way, this sequel can show why the original is so unique and innocent by comparing it to its bastard cousin that's clichéd and corrupted. In all its complex marketing, I can see once again that simple appreciation.
NC: I don't think I would've seen that if it wasn't for another...simple... (He looks out the door, thinking of who it was that taught him this lesson.) Santa Christ, can you grant me a Christmas wish?
SC: Sure! I'm Santa Christ!
NC: I need you to take me back before I started this review.
SC: Absolutely. Heck, it'd save me from this terrible eggnog.
(SC slams his staff down and we rewind through scenes of the review. One of those new scenes is SC stealing a bottle of Jagermeister. NC is back to when he ducked down to avoid HFG seeing her. As she leaves, NC gets up and goes to the door to stop her.)
NC: Hey. (she turns around at his voice, then runs over to him) You know what you did was wrong, right? (HFG nods) And you know that...this...isn't gonna work, right? (She looks down, ashamed at her own answer.) *sigh* Look, um...I was gonna put on a really bad Christmas special. You wanna make fun of it with me?
(She smiles and then comes in to watch the movie with NC, with HFG shocked by what she's seeing. As the movie goes on, the two of them are having a much more pleasant time, laughing with each other. The movie is already over and the two of them are sleeping on the couch. HFG wakes up and looks around, soon snuggling up to NC, resting her head on his shoulder. He lets out a loud snore which wakes her up, but that's okay, as she rests her head on his shoulder again. NC is now alone on the couch, finding she's gone. He heads outside and looks around, seeing that she's nowhere to be seen. He takes another look around for her before using a paint can to hold the door open. After one more look, he turns back around and closes the door, taking us to the credits.)
SC: Heh. And I'm married to Mrs. Christ. Ho ho ho ho. Seriously, twenty guesses who it is. The Da Vinci Code got it wrong. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Channel Awesome Tagline: Boss: I wish I wasn't such a softie.