Chipmunk Adventure

This transcript is incomplete.

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. If there's ever a decade expending franchise that's warmed its way into our heart, it would have to be Alvin and the Chipmunks. (pause) Though, not for me. I thought they were creepy rodent people.

(The opening to the Alvin and the Chipmunks TV series plays.)

NC (vo): And if you're wondering why the totally different location this weekend, it's because I'm at UBCon hiding from my denizens of fans.

(The Nostalgia Chick suddenly bursts in and shuts the door behind her.)

NCh: Well, I'm hiding from my many fans also.

NC: Hahahaha. What are you taking about, you don't have any fans.

NCh: I do to, I'm one of the most... known of fffemale reviewers on the whole internet.

NC: Hohohoho, please. You audience is like... really tiny, thi-thi-this is your audience right here.

(NCh sits down next to NC.)

NCh: Well I bet on my film academia record that I never mentioned because I'm really modest, I can out review you!

NC: Oh yeaaah?

NCh: yeah!

NC: Oh YEAAAH?

NCh: YEAH! WANNA SING ABOUT IT?

NC: God no, that would be silly and pointless.

(Both NC and NCh has a awkward silent moment.)

NC: So in the 50's there was a guy named (picture of Ross Bagdasarian appears.) Ross... Baggins... Eeeh... Baggers... Hmmm... (his full name shows up below.) Bag sit - I'm calling him Tony - who got famous with the annoyingly, catchy, novelty song "Witch Doctor" after he found out that speeding up the tape made his voice sound squeaky.

(Footage of Ross Bagdasarian singing "Witch Doctor")

Bagdasarian: (squeaky voice) Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang.

NC: And it turned out so well for him that he decided that he should create characters around those irritatingly, high pitched voices. And so in 1958, we got Alvin, Simon Theodore and their very pissed off... Foster father? Abusive manager? Don't know.. Played by Bag- (speaks in gibberish because he can't pronounce the name right) himself under the stage name of Dave Seville.

NCh: The Chipmunk TV show was like a lot of 80s cartoons. It existed to sell merchandise. In this case, novelty records. A sort of proto-Kidz Bop. They had only existed in musical form for decades before the Saturday morning cartoon which debuted in 1983 and eventually in animated feature film form in 1987. Not to be confused of course with the much less-effort, forth-putting live action films that came out 20 years later.(Images of the posters of the live action Chipmunk movies are shown)

NC: The Chipmunk Adventure was sort of this combination of the era of Alvin. Sort of a Around The World in 80 Minutes sort of thing.

NCh: With a girls versus boys theme.

NC: (vo) Dave, who used to be the constantly angry guy, is now this movie of balls-less, put upon, dorka-schmuck.

Miss Miller: David, your jacket!

Simon: And your tickets!

NCh: And your pants!

NC: Alvin is jealous that Dave is going on a business trip to Europe to do....business.

Dave: Alvin, for the last time. This is strictly a business trip.

NCh: (mimicking Dave) Yeah, I have to go on business to Business-land.

NC: But after Dave leaves, Alvin, yearning to see the world gets caught up in some.....jewellery smuggling scheme...by these people...(Claudia and Klaus are shown) while at an arcade. The common hangout for criminal aristocrats.

Theodore: The Chipettes are winning!

NCh: Girls are winning? Unacceptable!

NC: Now the Chipmunks in their adventures are silly, but fun, but the bad guys are by far the worst part of this movie. Just look at the animator's misguided attempt to make them look realistic.

NCh: All the realistic human animation in this movie in kind of grotesque, (cuts to Dave Seville) even Dave with his Bob Saget-y face.

NC: The two bad guys are a European of (shows Claudia) some kind of clown that looks like Paris Hilton in 30 years and her lover, Klaus.

Claudia: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

NCh: Uh..they're brother and sister.

NC: w!

Klaus: We're quite wealthy and very bored.

NC: So the two bad guys are..diamond smugglers apparently and they come up with the world's stupidest plan to sell their jewels across the world!

Alvin: I'd race you around the world, right now! (Claudia gasps in delight)

NCh: These pop stars over here are perfect mules for our drug-cartel! And only Simon, the whiny conscientious objector suspects that something might be fishy, but goes along with it anyway.

Simon: Mr. Furschtein! I beg ya to call this off!

NC: Alvin is a cocky prick, Simon is smart but would rather bitch from the back than actually do anything, and Theodore likes to eat.

Alvin: (to Theodore who is gobbling cereal) Ahem!

NCh: He's fat! The Chipettes on the other hand....why bother? I mean, they are fundamentally identical to Alvin and the Chipmunks. I guess you could argue that Jeanette had a little less personality than Simon, but other than that they are identical.

NC: Well they had a gender war.

Alvin: You'd never beat me at this war for real!

Brittany: Oh! Is that so?

Alvin: Yeah!

Brittany: We can out-rock and roll you!

NCh: The Chipettes were introduced in 1983 in the first episode of the Chipmunks new TV show. The Chipmunks up until this point mostly existed on record, not TV and the Bagdasarians wanted to cover a wider range of songs, specifically female ones.

NC: Hell, even with Babs and Buster Bunny there was some differences and these unique identities, but here, nothing! It just the Chipmunks, except they're a little girlier.

Simon: We've got to keep these two apart!

NCh: So the Chipettes were created to sing, not to be characters foils to the Chipmunks, which we'll explain a lot. I guess a competition between the two in-definitive settle the boy vs girls debate, as the fact that one side boys and the other side is girls is their only point of difference. That and the fact that Chipettes have clothes that fit.

NC: The Chipmunks get out from under the watchful eye of their babysitter (cuts to Miss Miller)..who I'm pretty sure is supposed to be a drag queen, by taking some of Dave's words and editing it for the babysitter.

Dave (on phone, edited from a call Alvin had made earlier) Hello Miss Miller. I want Alvin, Simon and Theodore to meet me in Europe. (Alvin sighs in relief) Bye bye.

NC: (mimicking Dave's tone) Meet me in Europe City. The Capital of Europe.

Miss Miller: David? Are you drunk?

NC: So this is all the Chipmunks need to set off on their round the world adventure. (sarcastically) All except for Simon.

Simon: Please reconsider!

NC: Tell somebody! Go to the police! Go around and alert somebody, instead of whining about it, you half-erased Rescue Ranger!

NCh: (sarcastically) This is a brilliant plan! An utterly brilliant plan! Quick! Give a bunch of child chipmunks, hot air balloons and diamonds and let's choose the slowest travel method available!

NC: They might as well be walking on their hands!

Claudia: Jamal will never suspect them in a million years! (laughs manically)

NC: (In Claudia's voice) No one will catch our diamond cartel if it's in a hot balloon, muled by chipmunks!

Brittany: (as the Chipettes are heading for a huge storm cloud) For the last time, Eleanor! There is no hurricane.

NCh: Well how about that hurricane over there? And the rest of the movie is vignette little scenes, where the two groups are in different countries, having different adventures. The girls starting off scuba-diving and being (cuts to shark chasing Brittany in Bermuda) chased by a shark. (Brittany jumps high out of the water with the shark following) Whoa! She's like a dolphin. (shows Brittany in the shark's mouth, but is unharmed) Holy shit! She's got some impressive leg-strength there! And the boys starting off in Mexico. This can only lead to good things.

Mexican man: It is our annual fiesta! (the Chipmunks break into song)

NC: This looks like part of an amusement park. Like Epcot's Enchanted Ethnic Stereotype.

Theodore: I'll have two cheese enchiladas with extra sauce, a tostada grande...

NC: Ha ha ha ha! He's fat!

NCh: And stupid!

NC: Wow. Quite an elaborate operation these not-drug lords have going on. Oh and they're also being pursued by some bad guys who want the diamonds for never disclosed reasons and I think some of them might actually be good guys working for the feds.

(Editor's note: The goons who kept are going after the Chipmunks and Chipettes are actually part of the INTERPOL run by Inspector Jamal)

(thugs struggle to climb on Chipettes balloon)

NC: OK seriously! You can't catch three tiny rats on a slow moving hot air balloon? I think real chipmunks would be harder to catch!

NCh: Is Theodore ever going to eat?

(cuts to Klaus, relaxing on a blow up chair in the swimming pool)

Klaus: Hehehe! Did the spoiled brat get wet? (laughs)

NCh: This is almost racist against...whoever these people are.

NC: Are you sure they're brother and sister?

NCh: They are brother and sister.

NC: Well I don't think they are.

NCh: They are!

NC: I don't think they are!

NCh: They are! (proceeds to take out sheet music) Wanna sing about it?

NC: NO!

(There is silence for a moment. NC stares at NCh, who puts down her sheet music)

NCh I came prepared!

NC: Meanwhile the Chipmunks and Chipettes only run into each other once. This being in-greased to do that musical number we almost keep parodying in this review.

Brittany: (she's struggling to pull a big apple off Alvin, next to a stall full of apples) Alvin! What are you doing here?

NCh: You do realize there are more apples, right? Like...right there! Bunch of apples.

Brittany: How much you wanna bet we can out-rock and roll you?

NC: You know Alvin? At least the Chipettes don't wear body length turtle-necks. Oh and Dave's there too.

NCh: Dave's fifth month abroad.

(The Chipmunks run past a tent and knock it down. Dave peeks out from underneath)

Dave: Hey! That looks like my boys!

NC: (mimics Dave) I guess it could be another trio of male adolescent rodent-like abominations!

NCh: To the movies credit, at least it's not a jukebox musical. And this is by no means a bad song. This was originally written by Terry Shaddick who wrote Olivia Newton John's Physical.

Chipettes: You're living in a man's world, they tell us!

NC: Yeah, this almost sounds like a real song. I can totally imagine singer performing this instead of a bunch of cartoon gerbils.

NCh: Thing is, this song wasn't actually originally written for this movie. It was written for a low-budget feature called Malibu Bikini Shop, which is about exactly what you think it is.

NC: Gerbils?

(Scene from the movie Malibu Bikini Shop, shows Jacie Berry singing the song)

NCh: I feel like this scene sort of undercuts the message of this song.

Jacie Berry: You're living in a man's world, they tell us!

NC: Well to be fair, there is a lot of chipmunk near-nudity in the Chipmunk Adventure. chipmunks in bikinis, chipmunks in sexy harem outfits, chipmunk pantie shots, chipmunks in loin cloths....(cuts to Klaus in the pool again) these people.

Klaus: Hehehe!

NCh: It's not until the girls float over into...uh..Indi-gypt-istan (Egypt) that would cross the line of sort of uncomfortable stereotyping into actual ethnic stereotyping.

Egyptian Prince: (Nancy Cartwright) In ten years, I will make her one of my wives!

NC: (Mimicking the prince's childish tone) I will marry that chipmunk! I will have her as one of my many wives!

NCh: Ah, but wait till you see what he gets Brittany for incentive.

Eleanor: (Brittany has been given a baby penguin for a wedding gift) A baby penguin! Oh.. (the penguin chirps)

NC: That is a guilt gift!

(Eleanor opens the baby penguins heart-shaped locket around his neck. Inside is a picture of him and his mom and dad)

NCh: (snorts with laughter) At least they let you keep one thing, little penguin. (in babyish voice) I got that picture took with my penguin family at Penguin Sears!

NC: While the girls obviously decide to steal back their dolls which are being guarded by...cobras and get the hell out of dodge...

NCh: Ah, but wait till you see what the solution is.

NC: Oh god, they're not gonna sing again are they?

NCh: No. Worse. They're gonna seduce them...with song.

(NC gives a confused/disgusted look. NCh once again proceeds to bring out her sheet music)

NCh: Just like we could do right-

NC: NO!

(NCh lowers her sheet music, although she looks like she's trying not to laugh)

NC: You don't solve your problems this way! You don't sing! It's not REALITY!

Brittany and Jeanette: And you look so fine.

NCh: Yes, here we have our Egyptian-themed song.

NC: Egyptian-themed? Sounds like a karaoke version of a country Elvis song from the 70s.

Brittany and Jeanette: Tell me what I need to do to get lucky with you.

NCh: Should we even begin to explore the Freudian significance of a bunch of pre-pubescent girls in sexy harem outfits, singing a song called Getting Lucky to snakes?

NC: Not if you want any ads on this video. Where's Eleanor during all this?

NCh: I don't know. Eating? (cuts to Eleanor now with Brittany and Jeanette. She's holding an ice box) Oh there she is. I guess she was eating the whole time.

NC: Nope. That actually the penguin with the Sears portrait in a heart locket and the Chipettes decide to potentially forfeit the race in order to save the baby penguin.

Brittany: How do we get to Antarctica?

NC: Antarctica? How big could that be?

NCh: Yeah I love how the girls have the nurturing subplot and the boys have the forced slavery subplot.

NC: This makes the bad guys think the Chipettes have found out their obvious, obvious, obvious, completely flawed scheme. One of the dolls rip and they see some of the diamonds. That could've happened anytime! Regardless, Claudia and Klaus send their goons after the Chipettes. But they are no match for....THE PENGUINS!

(The penguins throw snowballs at the thugs to knock them down from the balloon)

NC: (In deathly voice) And then...the slaughter began.

NCh: (In deathly voice) The penguins feasted well that night.

NC: Meanwhile the Chipmunks....wait a minute. Where the hell are they? Cambodia? Borneo? South America? The Congo? WHERE?! Oh no that means..(dramatic music plays) late 80s native tribes!

NCh: Nothing but good things can happen here. I'm sure it'll be nothing but respectful.

(Of course she was being sarcastic when we see the natives pointing their spears at Alvin and Simon)

Alvin: (pulls out one of his jackets) See pretty clothes?

NC: Moychandise!

Head Chief: Hmm (gasps) Woory Burry!

Nch: Oh my god! That guy's man titties! Animators! WHY? I demand to know! Why this artstic choice? Is that a dude or a chick and if it's a dude....why are his moobies so saggy? Did he just loose a lot of weight?

Tribe: Woory Burry!

NC: This can only end well. With human sac- uh I mean chipmunk sacrifice! Fortunately the much less inept Chipettes show up in the nick of time to save them. How the hell do the Chipettes know where they are? I don't even know where they are! I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE THE HECK THEY COULD BE! I've narrowed it down to three continents-

NCh: Hang on! Why don't we go for some acceptable targets? You know, get some Germans in there and make fun of the lederhosen and some of the French and the berets! We could go to New Jersey and make fun of the orange skin and the bumbets! We don't need to be in..wherever they are. I feel like The Chipmunk Adventure was meant to be longer. You know, so many places left un-visited. So many cultures left un-insulted.

NC: Where's the writer of North when you need him?

(Chipettes save the Chipmunks)

NC: We just knew where you'd be! Thank god you had your GPS on you!

NCh: Wasn't this before GPS..

NC: Shh! Thankfully we're spared a "You're just saying that to keep us from winning the race!" speech, as the Chipmunks and Chipettes immediately join forces against the Splakenzi malice that is Klaus und Claudia!

(Simon throws one of the tribe's spears at the plane's garbage hatch. It opens and tons of rubbish pour out)

NCh: Wow, European airlines produces a lot of garbage.

NC: It gets very quickly resolved by Miss Miller's incompetent driving and the fact that the kids always wear a seat belt.

Alvin: Hey! What about my $100,000?

Brittany: Your $100,000? We won the race!

NCh: Uh yeah, they had to save your life. They pretty definitively won the race.

NC: And as the kids gain nothing but hardy-life experience from which they will presumably learn nothing, the movie ends on a note of impudent rage.

Dave: AALLLVIIIIIIIIIINN!

NC: So that's The Chipmunk Adventure!

(Clips play as the Critic and Chick give their final thoughts.)

NC: It's funny because Girls Of Rock "N" Roll represents everything the movie does right and something like Woolly Bully represents everything that the movie does wrong. Racist natives, shoehorn musical numbers, completely irrelevant to the plot and even to it's own scene.

NCh: Like the new movies, The Chipmunk Adventure suffers from lack of focus. Is it about international jewel smuggling, Chipmunks vs Chipettes, travel over various countries, getting a kidnapped penguin back to Antarctica city? Nor do Alvin and Simon ever have to apologize for not taking him (she means Theodore) seriously and denying him delicious ethnic foods!

NC: But most relevant, the whole battle of the sexes thing never really comes to any conclusion. It's just Alvin is still bitching about it by the end of the movie!

NCh: But more importantly, does the battle of the sexes thing apply to us?

NC: Does it? (they are silent for a moment) I think at first but since we don't really have the same corporate oversight that products like these have, they move more organically towards being more realistic. The Chipettes were just a told demographic move.

NCh: Uh so was Nostalgia Chick.

NC: OK well in that way it's a very similar business move, but our differences don't necessarily have to do with our genders. We are different people with methods of analysis regardless of gender background or educational level.

NCh: Wow, Critic! It's almost like I wrote this.

NC: So Nostalgia Chick was born from the idea of a gender specific spinoff to look at gender specific shows that I myself did not feel equipped to look at. But the truth is, you were intended to be just like the Chipettes and identical to me. And then you went rogue and I'm kicking myself in the ass for hiring you everyday!

NCh: Exactly!

NC: And then you stopped answering calls and won't answer our emails about what you should be doing.

NCh: Yep!

NC: And having another contest would simply make us look bad.

NCh: Uh huh!

NC: So here we are!

NCh: Here we are. Also Alvin, yes. You lost the race.

NC: No he didn't! I'm sorry! (He picks up NCh's script and then puts it back down) I can say all this other bullshit in your script, but he did not lose that race!

NCh: Uh yeah he did!

NC: No he didn't!

NCh: Yeah he did!

NC: No he didn't!

NCh: Yes he did! You Wanna sing about it?

NC: YES I DO!!