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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.</p>
   
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(montage of Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, and Carrot-Top doing standup comedy along with posters of “Home Improvement,” “Seinfeld,” “Soul Man” and “Anything But Love”)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(montage of Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, and Carrot-Top doing standup comedy along with posters of “Home Improvement,” “Seinfeld,” “Soul Man” and “Anything But Love”)</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): The transition from standup comedian to other forms of media certainly is hit and miss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I mean, for every “Home Improvement” or a “Seinfeld,” you get a “Soul Man” or….whatever the hell that Richard Lewis show was. And, indeed, one of the messiest transitions had to be with a comedian named Carrot Top, a very bizarre comic who made most of his living making strange and surreal prop jokes. For some reason, somebody thought this would transfer well to film.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): The transition from standup comedian to other forms of media certainly is hit and miss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I mean, for every “Home Improvement” or a “Seinfeld,” you get a “Soul Man” or….whatever the hell that Richard Lewis show was. And, indeed, one of the messiest transitions had to be with a comedian named Carrot Top, a very bizarre comic who made most of his living making strange and surreal prop jokes. For some reason, somebody thought this would transfer well to film.</p>
   
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NC: We can only hope that that person isn’t in the short line for the guillotine. This is “Chairman of the Board.”
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: We can only hope that that person isn’t in the short line for the guillotine. This is “Chairman of the Board.”</p>
   
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(The movie’s title screen is shown, along with a montage of clips from the movie)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The movie’s title screen is shown, along with a montage of clips from the movie)</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): The only Carrot Top movie ever made--thank Jesus--”Chairman of the Board” shows the feeble attempts of what happens when an unfunny script is given to an unfunny director starring an unfunny actor. The result?
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): The only Carrot Top movie ever made--thank Jesus--”Chairman of the Board” shows the feeble attempts of what happens when an unfunny script is given to an unfunny director starring an unfunny actor. The result?</p>
   
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(A picture of a pile of poop is shown)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A picture of a pile of poop is shown)</p>
   
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NC: So let’s take a look at why “Chairman of the Board” should have been shredded like carrot juice.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: So let’s take a look at why “Chairman of the Board” should have been shredded like carrot juice.</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): OK, so the movie starts off with the birth of our main character and…(cut to Carrot Top’s character Edison as a baby doing experiments with actual scientific instruments and test tubes inside the mother’s womb) Oh, God. You REALLY want me to walk out early on this movie, don’t you?
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): OK, so the movie starts off with the birth of our main character and…(cut to Carrot Top’s character Edison as a baby doing experiments with actual scientific instruments and test tubes inside the mother’s womb) Oh, God. You REALLY want me to walk out early on this movie, don’t you?</p>
   
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(Baby Edison is propelled out of the mother’s womb and through a wall, leaving an imprint of himself)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Baby Edison is propelled out of the mother’s womb and through a wall, leaving an imprint of himself)</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed yet, the movie is pretty much fixed around unfunny cartoon humor. Don’t believe me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Here’s an unfunny cartoon.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed yet, the movie is pretty much fixed around unfunny cartoon humor. Don’t believe me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Here’s an unfunny cartoon.</p>
   
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(Cut to opening credits with a Rube Goldberg machine set up with various objects, including a bowling ball that lands on a cartoon cat’s tail, making it jump and cling onto a bicycle wheel, which turns due to the force of gravity from the cat and causes a punching glove to punch a bag that activates a gloved hand to paint the words “A 101<sup>st</sup> Street Films Trimark Pictures Production,” then a pulley activates a robotic hand to turn on a gas tank to inflate a balloon that says “A Film By Alex Zamm”, thereby making the balloon pop and cause a brick to fall on a weight scale and reveal the movie title with a magnet)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to opening credits with a Rube Goldberg machine set up with various objects, including a bowling ball that lands on a cartoon cat’s tail, making it jump and cling onto a bicycle wheel, which turns due to the force of gravity from the cat and causes a punching glove to punch a bag that activates a gloved hand to paint the words “A 101
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<sup>st</sup> Street Films Trimark Pictures Production,” then a pulley activates a robotic hand to turn on a gas tank to inflate a balloon that says “A Film By Alex Zamm”, thereby making the balloon pop and cause a brick to fall on a weight scale and reveal the movie title with a magnet)</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): This whole opening looks like that mathematics game you played in first grade. You know, the one that tried to entertain you, but by the end, you just want to eat the fucking screen?
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): This whole opening looks like that mathematics game you played in first grade. You know, the one that tried to entertain you, but by the end, you just want to eat the fucking screen?</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): We cut to a home that we’ve seen in God knows how many other films.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We cut to a home that we’ve seen in God knows how many other films.</p>
   
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NC: Actually, I do know. TOO MANY! (pounds his fists on his desk as he says the last sentence)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Actually, I do know. TOO MANY! (pounds his fists on his desk as he says the last sentence)</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): As we cut to our main character named Edison, getting up in a way that’s also been used a bajillion times.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): As we cut to our main character named Edison, getting up in a way that’s also been used a bajillion times.</p>
   
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(cut to a machine that propels Edison out of bed and land on a wall; cut to a clip of “Wallace and Gromit” with Wallace sliding out of bed and through the floor in a similar manner)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to a machine that propels Edison out of bed and land on a wall; cut to a clip of “Wallace and Gromit” with Wallace sliding out of bed and through the floor in a similar manner)</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): We see his landlord played by George Costanza’s mom (Estella Harris) as it turns out she’s throwing Edison and his roommates out for not paying the rent.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We see his landlord played by George Costanza’s mom (Estella Harris) as it turns out she’s throwing Edison and his roommates out for not paying the rent.</p>
   
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Ms. Krubavitch: (talking with an artificial voice box against her throat) I want my money NOW!
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ms. Krubavitch: (talking with an artificial voice box against her throat) I want my money NOW!</p>
   
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NC (voiceover): Yeah, she’s using a voice box because…they thought they’d get around the fact that they’re totally wasting a funny actress.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, she’s using a voice box because…they thought they’d get around the fact that they’re totally wasting a funny actress.</p>
   
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Roommate #1 (Ty): Tell me you did not spend the rent money on another one of your gadgets.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Roommate #1 (Ty): Tell me you did not spend the rent money on another one of your gadgets.</p>
   
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Edison: This is a sure-fire winner! It’s the Pet Rock for the ‘90s!
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: This is a sure-fire winner! It’s the Pet Rock for the ‘90s!</p>
   
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Roommate #2 (Zak): That’s what you said about the Anatomically Correct Fanny-pack.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Roommate #2 (Zak): That’s what you said about the Anatomically Correct Fanny-pack.</p>
   
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Ty: And let’s not forget the Glow Gunk for night surfing.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ty: And let’s not forget the Glow Gunk for night surfing. Zak:
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And let’s not forget the handy dandy Ketchup Helper.</p>
   
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Zak:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And let’s not forget the handy dandy Ketchup Helper.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: And other failed jokes from his standup.</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): By the way, if you haven’t noticed yet, every other shot in this movie is shot at a wide-angle close-up. ‘Cause that’s just how I’d want to view the face of Weird Al Yankovic’s anus here, isn’t it?</p>
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NC: And other failed jokes from his standup.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ty: You need to get a…a job!</p>
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NC (voiceover): By the way, if you haven’t noticed yet, every other shot in this movie is shot at a wide-angle close-up. ‘Cause that’s just how I’d want to view the face of Weird Al Yankovic’s anus here, isn’t it?
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: Like a “job” job?</p>
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Ty: You need to get a…a job!
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Edison goes through a bunch of throwaway jokes to try and find a job. He even tries out for “Annie.” Wow, that…that joke fails before it even set up. (brief cut of Edison being attacked by other red-haired girls trying out for “Annie”)</p>
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Edison: Like a “job” job?
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): During his search, he comes across an old man whose car is busted. Of course, Edison’s invention saves the day.</p>
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NC (voiceover): So Edison goes through a bunch of throwaway jokes to try and find a job. He even tries out for “Annie.” Wow, that…that joke fails before it even set up.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to Edison under the car and he ends up causing an oil leak, which fall into his mouth (the “oil” is clearly chocolate syrup) before he ends up kicking his jack-in-the-box jack and have the car fall on top of him)</p>
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(brief cut of Edison being attacked by other red-haired girls trying out for “Annie”)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover):
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NC (voiceover): During his search, he comes across an old man whose car is busted. Of course, Edison’s invention saves the day.
  
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Yeah, I can see where Tom Green got his inspiration.</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Armand McMillan (old man): I appreciate a ride to the beach. I think I still have time to shred a few waves before sunset.</p>
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(cut to Edison under the car and he ends up causing an oil leak, which fall into his mouth (the “oil” is clearly chocolate syrup) before he ends up kicking his jack-in-the-box jack and have the car fall on top of him)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: You surf?</p>
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NC (voiceover):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Yeah, I can see where Tom Green got his inspiration.
  
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</p>
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Armand McMillan (old man): I appreciate a ride to the beach. I think I still have time to shred a few waves before sunset.
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Of course, he surfs! He didn’t just bring his stunt double for nothing, did he?</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to upward camera shots of both Armand and Edison surfing, whom both appear to be staying motionless)</p>
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Edison: You surf?
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Armand: Ha ha! Get smilin’, bud!</p>
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NC (voiceover): Of course, he surfs! He didn’t just bring his stunt double for nothing, did he?
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: Armand, look, no hands!</p>
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(Cut to upward camera shots of both Armand and Edison surfing, whom both appear to be staying motionless)
  
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah. Why don’t you get off the obviously not-moving surfboards and try it for real this time?</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Edison falls off his surfboard and lands headfirst into what looks like nothing)</p>
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Armand: Ha ha! Get smilin’, bud!
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So after he befriends the old man, he gets fired from a job working as Big Bird’s crack baby, when suddenly, he gets some bad news.</p>
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Edison: Armand, look, no hands!
  
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</p>
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah. Why don’t you get off the obviously not-moving surfboards and try it for real this time?
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: (reading a notice while his roommates look on) No.</p>
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</p>
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Edison falls off his surfboard and lands headfirst into what looks like nothing)
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Zak: What’s up? (cut to a portrait of Armand that pans back to reveal a funeral going on)</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Wow. He must have wanted out of this movie pretty bad!</p>
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NC (voiceover): So after he befriends the old man, he gets fired from a job working as Big Bird’s crack baby, when suddenly, he gets some bad news.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Not that I’d blame him. I mean, 10 minutes of this movie would cause anyone to burn their contract, but still, that’s pretty impressive. We then come across our villain, played by Larry Miller. And give him some credit, he is the only guy who’s producing a funny line once in a while.</p>
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Edison: (reading a notice while his roommates look on) No.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: (screams with rage while crushing his cell phone beside his face with both hands) I’ll call you later.</p>
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Zak: What’s up?
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Grace Kosik (Racquel Welch): (to Miller) Bradford, darling. You have my condolences.</p>
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(cut to a portrait of Armand that pans back to reveal a funeral going on)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (confused by the explanation of Welch’s movie appearance and waves weakly) Uhm…hello, Racquel Welch.</p>
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NC (voiceover): Wow. He must have wanted out of this movie pretty bad! Not that I’d blame him. I mean, 10 minutes of this movie would cause anyone to burn their contract, but still, that’s pretty impressive. We then come across our villain, played by Larry Miller. And give him some credit, he is the only guy who’s producing a funny line once in a while.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: It’s a done deal.</p>
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Miller: (screams with rage while crushing his cell phone beside his face with both hands) I’ll call you later.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Welch: Done. (leaves offscreen)</p>
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Grace Kosik (Racquel Welch): (to Miller) Bradford, darling. You have my condolences.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Goodbye, Racquel Welch…</p>
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NC: (confused by the explanation of Welch’s movie appearance and waves weakly) Uhm…hello, Racquel Welch.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: (runs into the funeral) Hey! Sorry, I’m late. (clumsily knocks a vase onto Armand’s stone monument with a flame on it) I got it under control! (turns the “Gas” valve, causing the flame to burst skyward)</p>
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Miller: It’s a done deal.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: He makes an ass of himself. Next!</p>
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Welch: Done. (leaves offscreen)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So while Miller is hoping to be named the new head of the old man’s invention company--yeah, I think you can tell where this is going--he turns over everything to Edison. Because he surfed with him once!</p>
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NC: Goodbye, Racquel Welch…
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Armand McMillan: (in a video will) I leave my entire stockholdings, 45 percent of McMillan Industries to my new friend…Edison.</p>
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Edison: (runs into the funeral) Hey! Sorry, I’m late. (clumsily knocks a vase onto Armand’s stone monument with a flame on it) I got it under control! (turns the “Gas” valve, causing the flame to burst skyward)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Well, unfortunately, he didn’t mention Edison’s LAST name, so, legally, this wouldn’t fly. But in the magical world of Bullshit Land, he becomes the new chairman of the board.</p>
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NC: He makes an ass of himself. Next!
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to Edison riding in an elevator with three executives and lets out a long, wet fart before holding his nose nonchalantly)</p>
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NC (voiceover): So while Miller is hoping to be named the new head of the old man’s invention company--yeah, I think you can tell where this is going--he turns over everything to Edison. Because he surfed with him once!
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: (to a male executive) Can’t believe she let one rip. Our first ride up as a group? (to the female executive) Oh, come on, owe it up!</p>
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Armand McMillan: (in a video will) I leave my entire stockholdings, 45 percent of McMillan Industries to my new friend…Edison.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): You know that five year old who tells you a horrible joke that you’ve heard a million times, but you listen to it just to be nice? Imagine a whole movie like that.</p>
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NC (voiceover):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Well, unfortunately, he didn’t mention Edison’s LAST name, so, legally, this wouldn’t fly. But in the magical world of Bullshit Land, he becomes the new chairman of the board.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Welch: (calling Miller on the phone) I thought you said this inheritance was a sure thing.</p>
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(cut to Edison riding in an elevator with three executives and lets out a long, wet fart before holding his nose nonchalantly)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: (calling Welch on his cell phone while walking out of a room) I know, I should have had my uncle committed years ago. But I was up with my lawyer. We turned the will inside out. (the camera looks up his crotch as he says the last line)</p>
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Edison: (to a male executive) Can’t believe she let one rip. Our first ride up as a group? (to the female executive) Oh, come on, owe it up!
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: ….Thank you! That…angle from Larry Miller’s balls really added a lot to that scene.</p>
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NC (voiceover): You know that five year old who tells you a horrible joke that you’ve heard a million times, but you listen to it just to be nice? Imagine a whole movie like that.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, while Edison is getting shown around the factory, he accidentally covers himself in Post-Its, because…that’s all he’s got. He also shows Edison the Invention Room, which hasn’t been used for years.
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Welch: (calling Miller on the phone) I thought you said this inheritance was a sure thing.
  
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But, of course, Edison decides to put it back into commission and…</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (comes to a realization) Wait a minute…Edison! Like Thomas Edison! The great inventor! I just got it! (laughs wildly before his face becomes serious and returns to the review)</p>
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Miller: (calling Welch on his cell phone while walking out of a room) I know, I should have had my uncle committed years ago. But I was up with my lawyer. We turned the will inside out. (the camera looks up his crotch as he says the last line)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …and everybody in the factory couldn’t be happier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That is, except for the fact that their pay was cut to make up for all the inventions, causing them to strike.</p>
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NC: ….Thank you! That…angle from Larry Miller’s balls really added a lot to that scene.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: (speaking to the striking staff on top of the corporate building) I cannot give you all a raise right now. Sorry. (the entire staff groans) But! I can give you something better. Huh? A stake in the company! (the whole crowd applauds to show their approval) I’m now making every Wednesday afternoon Luau Wednesday!</p>
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NC (voiceover): So, while Edison is getting shown around the factory, he accidentally covers himself in Post-Its, because…that’s all he’s got. He also shows Edison the Invention Room, which hasn’t been used for years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But, of course, Edison decides to put it back into commission and…
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the most easily led staff in all of history. You know, the answer to everything isn’t simply a beach party. This isn’t Saved by the Bell!</p>
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NC: (comes to a realization) Wait a minute…Edison! Like Thomas Edison! The great inventor! I just got it! (laughs wildly before his face becomes serious and returns to the review)
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to the entire staff having a beach party)</p>
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NC: …and everybody in the factory couldn’t be happier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That is, except for the fact that their pay was cut to make up for all the inventions, causing them to strike.
  
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Woman in Red:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>(talking about Edison) Oh, he’s really a great guy, isn’t he?</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Natalie Stockwell (Courtney Thorne-Smith):
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Edison: (speaking to the striking staff on top of the corporate building) I cannot give you all a raise right now. Sorry. (the entire staff groans) But! I can give you something better. Huh? A stake in the company! (the whole crowd applauds to show their approval) I’m now making every Wednesday afternoon Luau Wednesday!
  
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ah, does it matter? Certifiably insane.</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: And yet you’re still gonna be his girlfriend at the end……..SLLLLUT!</p>
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NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the most easily led staff in all of history. You know, the answer to everything isn’t simply a beach party. This isn’t Saved by the Bell!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, Larry Miller has a diabolical plan to trick Edison by running the company into the ground by having him make terrible business decisions. So, yes, “Chairman of the Board” is officially ripping off the Flinstones movie. (the poster to the Flinstones 1994 live-action movie is shown)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They couldn’t even find a good movie to rip off. They just went to the lowest form of creative scum they could find at the time.</p>
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(cut to the entire staff having a beach party)
  
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</p>
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Woman in Red:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>(talking about Edison) Oh, he’s really a great guy, isn’t he?
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: It’s like trying to rip off a rock! What could you possibly gain from it? (cut briefly to a photo of a boulder)</p>
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: (sees Racquel Welch walking in) Well, Kosi, what a surprise.</p>
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Natalie Stockwell (Courtney Thorne-Smith):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ah, does it matter? Certifiably insane.
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, Racquel Welch…. Welch: Now get busy! (walks away)</p>
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NC: And yet you’re still gonna be his girlfriend at the end……..SLLLLUT!
  
   
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.</p>
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NC (voiceover): So, Larry Miller has a diabolical plan to trick Edison by running the company into the ground by having him make terrible business decisions. So, yes, “Chairman of the Board” is officially ripping off the Flinstones movie. (the poster to the Flinstones 1994 live-action movie is shown)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They couldn’t even find a good movie to rip off. They just went to the lowest form of creative scum they could find at the time.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover) So, in order to try and control Edison more, Miller takes him to a racquet club. (cut to the entrance sign of simply two tennis balls above the racquet club name “Malibu Racquet Club”) Really? That’s the best logo for a racquet club you could come up with?</p>
−
NC: It’s like trying to rip off a rock! What could you possibly gain from it? (cut briefly to a photo of a boulder)
  
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to Edison and Miller in a tennis court)</p>
⚫
Miller: (sees Racquel Welch walking in) Well, Kosi, what a surprise.
  
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: Since this is your first time, I’ll go easy on ya. (cut to tilted camera shot of Miller making the first serve)</p>
⚫
NC: Hello, Racquel Welch….
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sake, did the cameraman just fall there? Did the shittiness of the movie overtake him and he had to collapse to the ground?</p>
−
Welch: Now get busy! (walks away)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to Edison doing various slapstick attempts to hit the ball, including sliding face first into the net)</p>
⚫
NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, we got it. He sucks at tennis. Please move forward!</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover) So, in order to try and control Edison more, Miller takes him to a racquet club. (cut to the entrance sign of simply two tennis balls above the racquet club name “Malibu Racquet Club”) Really? That’s the best logo for a racquet club you could come up with?
  
   
−
(cut to Edison and Miller in a tennis court)
 +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to Edison sitting above Miller on one side of the tennis court and wringing out his sweatband into an empty cup)</p>
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: It’s very impressive. You know, Edison, being the leader of a major corporation is about more than playing video games or settling a strike. (takes the cup with Edison’s sweat in it) Your invention idea. (is about to drink the sweat)</p>
−
Miller: Since this is your first time, I’ll go easy on ya.
  
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: What about it?</p>
−
(cut to tilted camera shot of Miller making the first serve)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, he’s gonna drink the water. They’re just stretching it out. Please move forward!</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sake, did the cameraman just fall there? Did the shittiness of the movie overtake him and he had to collapse to the ground?
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sexy female tennis coach: (holding two tennis balls in one hand) You have to feel the balls. Caress them instead of whacking them. (Edison shudders in lust at the coach’s revealing cleavage) And think of your racquet as an extension of yourself.</p>
⚫
(cut to Edison doing various slapstick attempts to hit the ball, including sliding face first into the net)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: For the love of butter! These jokes are too predictable! I mean, you could just replace the dialogue with…</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): Yeah, we got it. He sucks at tennis. Please move forward!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (dubbing for female coach) Dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke. Penis.</p>
−
(cut to Edison sitting above Miller on one side of the tennis court and wringing out his sweatband into an empty cup)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (pounding his fists onto his desk in a booming voice) PLEASE MOVE FORWARD!!!</p>
⚫
Miller: It’s very impressive. You know, Edison, being the leader of a major corporation is about more than playing video games or settling a strike. (takes the cup with Edison’s sweat in it) Your invention idea. (is about to drink the sweat)
  
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover):
−
Edison: What about it?
  
  ⚫
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>So, while they continue to figure out how to make the movie funny, Edison finds he really starts to hit it up with a cute blonde who works there named Natalie.</p>
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: Wanna grab some lunch? Natalie: Oh, oh no. I-I can’t.</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): Yeah, he’s gonna drink the water. They’re just stretching it out. Please move forward!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: (holds a pencil to her face and acts like a hypnotist with it, sounding mystical) Look into my eyes, Natalie. All you’re thinking about right now is having lunch with me, Edison, your new buddy. Look into my eyes, Natalie!</p>
⚫
Sexy female tennis coach: (holding two tennis balls in one hand) You have to feel the balls. Caress them instead of whacking them. (Edison shudders in lust at the coach’s revealing cleavage) And think of your racquet as an extension of yourself.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (dubs for Natalie) Please try to make it semi-realistic that I find you funny.</p>
⚫
NC: For the love of butter! These jokes are too predictable! I mean, you could just replace the dialogue with…
  
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Natalie: Alright.</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): (dubbing for female coach) Dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke. Penis.
  
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: Alright!</p>
⚫
NC: (pounding his fists onto his desk in a booming voice) PLEASE MOVE FORWARD!!!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, of course, he hits her up for a date as they go to a history museum to each lunch as a Native American and a cowboy (Natalie as the Native American, Edison as the cowboy).
⚫
NC (voiceover):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>So, while they continue to figure out how to make the movie funny, Edison finds he really starts to hit it up with a cute blonde who works there named Natalie.
  
  +
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>What makes you think I know? So they go around and look at all the other inventors from the past, because… being an inventor, he obviously knows nothing about other inventors.</p>
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: (explains about a static electricity ball) Well, actually, it demonstrates static electricity. Watch what happens when you put your hands on it. Go ahead. (Natalie laughs at the sight of her hair sticking out)</p>
−
Edison: Wanna grab some lunch?
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (referring to Edison’s static hair) Wow, you can do that effect without even putting your hand on it! Cool. So, Edison finally comes across his most brilliant invention: a TV dinner that actually is a TV as well.</p>
−
Natalie: Oh, oh no. I-I can’t.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: (in a TV commercial wearing an astronaut suit and on a stage set of the moon) Hi! I’m Chef Edison, and while I’m away from home, I still love to catch up on my favorite TV shows. That’s why I always bring one of my Chef Edison TV dinners wherever I go. With flavors like, uh, Bevis and Broccoli, N.Y.P.D. Blue-berry Pie, and M.A.S.H.ed potatoes. There’s no reason to be accounted for staying at home!</p>
⚫
Edison: (holds a pencil to her face and acts like a hypnotist with it, sounding mystical) Look into my eyes, Natalie. All you’re thinking about right now is having lunch with me, Edison, your new buddy. Look into my eyes, Natalie!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …Ya know, I’m just gonna start working on the apology from the filmmakers. (starts writing something down beneath the screen while more of the film is shown) “Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry….sorry.”</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): (dubs for Natalie) Please try to make it semi-realistic that I find you funny.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, again, just like the Flinstones movie, Edison becomes rich and starts to act like a jackass to all his friends. But it turns out his stocks start to plummet when somebody reveals they got radiation poisoning from one of his TV dinners. This, of course, results in his fortune being totally destroyed.</p>
−
Natalie: Alright.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Executive Landers (Bill Erwin): The man is glowing like a jack-o-lantern, Edison! How do you explain that?</p>
−
Edison: Alright!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: I don’t know! But I promise you it’s gonna blow over.</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): So, of course, he hits her up for a date as they go to a history museum to each lunch as a Native American and a cowboy (Natalie as the Native American, Edison as the cowboy).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>What makes you think I know? So they go around and look at all the other inventors from the past, because… being an inventor, he obviously knows nothing about other inventors.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: Your ignorance is no longer charming.</p>
⚫
Edison: (explains about a static electricity ball) Well, actually, it demonstrates static electricity. Watch what happens when you put your hands on it. Go ahead. (Natalie laughs at the sight of her hair sticking out)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: His ignorance was never charming!</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): (referring to Edison’s static hair) Wow, you can do that effect without even putting your hand on it! Cool. So, Edison finally comes across his most brilliant invention: a TV dinner that actually is a TV as well.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Miller: I think it’s time to elect a new chairman!</p>
⚫
Edison: (in a TV commercial wearing an astronaut suit and on a stage set of the moon) Hi! I’m Chef Edison, and while I’m away from home, I still love to catch up on my favorite TV shows. That’s why I always bring one of my Chef Edison TV dinners wherever I go. With flavors like, uh, Bevis and Broccoli, N.Y.P.D. Blue-berry Pie, and M.A.S.H.ed potatoes. There’s no reason to be accounted for staying at home!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, now, Miller is put in charge of the company as he plans to sell it for a whopping big sum of money.</p>
⚫
NC: …Ya know, I’m just gonna start working on the apology from the filmmakers. (starts writing something down beneath the screen while more of the film is shown) “Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry….sorry.”
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to Edison returning home to find an eviction notice and that his entire gadget collection has been repossessed)</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): So, again, just like the Flinstones movie, Edison becomes rich and starts to act like a jackass to all his friends. But it turns out his stocks start to plummet when somebody reveals they got radiation poisoning from one of his TV dinners. This, of course, results in his fortune being totally destroyed.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: No! I got evicted. No, tell me this isn’t happening! My surfboard! Dinosaur…</p>
⚫
Executive Landers (Bill Erwin): The man is glowing like a jack-o-lantern, Edison! How do you explain that?
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (dubs for Edison) They even took the Gallagher DVDs I was stealing from! (normal voice) But Edison makes an amazing discovery: That guy in the video, it turns out, didn’t have radiation poisoning. It was just a special kind of makeup the whole time! (pauses) Wh…why didn’t somebody just do a test on him? No doctors to check to see if he really had it? No official diagnosis, or….oh, well, who cares? Man desperate for jokes coming through! (cut to Edison and his roommates driving in a car while wearing crash-test dummy masks and Edison using a bullhorn to tell people to get out of the way) Why are they dressed like crash-test dummies, you might ask?</p>
⚫
Edison: I don’t know! But I promise you it’s gonna blow over.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (throws his arms up as though he can’t think up a good reason) Cheese!</p>
⚫
Miller: Your ignorance is no longer charming.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to card with a slice of cheese and a caption that says, “Cheese! It’s as good as any other answer.” A yodeler is singing in the background)</p>
⚫
NC: His ignorance was never charming!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: So Edison comes in and tells everybody about Miller’s evil plan. (cut to Edison and his roommates demonstrating the Glow Gunk in a dark room while looking like strange ghouls with the makeup on their skin)</p>
⚫
Miller: I think it’s time to elect a new chairman!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Edison: See? A little of my non-toxic Glow Gunk, and anyone can claim that they’ve exposed to radiation. (to Miller after the lights are turned back on) This whole toxic TV dinner thing was a scam, wasn’t it? So you could get control of this company. You stole my formula for Glow Gunk, didn’t you?</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): So, now, Miller is put in charge of the company as he plans to sell it for a whopping big sum of money.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Daphne (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): The plastic lid we found in the secret chamber gave him away.</p>
⚫
(cut to Edison returning home to find an eviction notice and that his entire gadget collection has been repossessed)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Scrappy-Doo (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): And Alexander is their descendant.</p>
⚫
Edison: No! I got evicted. No, tell me this isn’t happening! My surfboard! Dinosaur…
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Miller tries to prove his innocence, but luckily, he happens to be wearing one of Edison’s inventions, the Bull-Shirt, which always points out when he’s lying. (in a dumb voice) Why would he be wearing that to begin with?</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): (dubs for Edison) They even took the Gallagher DVDs I was stealing from! (normal voice) But Edison makes an amazing discovery: That guy in the video, it turns out, didn’t have radiation poisoning. It was just a special kind of makeup the whole time! (pauses) Wh…why didn’t somebody just do a test on him? No doctors to check to see if he really had it? No official diagnosis, or….oh, well, who cares? Man desperate for jokes coming through! (cut to Edison and his roommates driving in a car while wearing crash-test dummy masks and Edison using a bullhorn to tell people to get out of the way) Why are they dressed like crash-test dummies, you might ask?
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Welch: That Bull-Shirt of yours is worth millions.</p>
⚫
NC: (throws his arms up as though he can’t think up a good reason) Cheese!
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, Racquel Welch…</p>
⚫
(cut to card with a slice of cheese and a caption that says, “Cheese! It’s as good as any other answer.” A yodeler is singing in the background)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Welch: Oh, shut up, Bradford! (walks offscreen)</p>
−
NC: So Edison comes in and tells everybody about Miller’s evil plan.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.</p>
⚫
(cut to Edison and his roommates demonstrating the Glow Gunk in a dark room while looking like strange ghouls with the makeup on their skin)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, the business is back to normal, Miller is taken away, and…(cut to Edison and Natalie kissing)…EWWWW!</p>
⚫
Edison: See? A little of my non-toxic Glow Gunk, and anyone can claim that they’ve exposed to radiation. (to Miller after the lights are turned back on) This whole toxic TV dinner thing was a scam, wasn’t it? So you could get control of this company. You stole my formula for Glow Gunk, didn’t you?
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (to Natalie) You gave up “Melrose Place” for THAT?</p>
⚫
Daphne (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): The plastic lid we found in the secret chamber gave him away.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to end credits with the text “Inspired by Bijan Amin”)</p>
⚫
Scrappy-Doo (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): And Alexander is their descendant.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, really. This movie was “inspired” by somebody?</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): Miller tries to prove his innocence, but luckily, he happens to be wearing one of Edison’s inventions, the Bull-Shirt, which always points out when he’s lying. (in a dumb voice) Why would he be wearing that to begin with?
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Yeah, some jackass came up to Carrot Top and said, “You should do a movie.” “Okay!” (slaps hands on his desk) This movie is horrible!</p>
⚫
Welch: That Bull-Shirt of yours is worth millions.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to a montage of clips from the movie and photos from a Comedy Central roast and “Reno 911!”)</p>
−
NC: Hello, Racquel Welch…
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): It’s a shame, because I think Carrot Top can actually be funny. I mean, I’ve seen him at a few Comedy Central roasts and even “Reno 911!”, and he wasn’t half bad. But, by GOD, is he annoying here. He’s like Yahoo Serious if he were shitted out by a donkey. The jokes are lame, the cinematography’s weird, sometimes you’ll get a funny line from Larry Miller, but that’s far from saving the movie. Horribly written, horribly acted, horribly directed, it’s just…horrible. It’s just proof that if a standup comedian wants to do a comedic spinoff, they have to put a lot more effort into it than this.</p>
⚫
Welch: Oh, shut up, Bradford! (walks offscreen)
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to star in my own comedic spinoff “Critic and Trout”!</p>
⚫
NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(cut to a picture of NC and a trout side by side against a city backdrop with the caption “Sold Out. Sorry, they just offered me too much money” and an 80s theme song playing in the background)</p>
⚫
NC (voiceover): So, the business is back to normal, Miller is taken away, and…(cut to Edison and Natalie kissing)…EWWWW!
  
   
  +
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The End</p>
⚫
NC: (to Natalie) You gave up “Melrose Place” for THAT?
  
−  
⚫
(cut to end credits with the text “Inspired by Bijan Amin”)
  
−  
⚫
NC (voiceover): Oh, really. This movie was “inspired” by somebody?
  
−  
⚫
NC: Yeah, some jackass came up to Carrot Top and said, “You should do a movie.” “Okay!” (slaps hands on his desk) This movie is horrible!
  
−  
⚫
(cut to a montage of clips from the movie and photos from a Comedy Central roast and “Reno 911!”)
  
−  
⚫
NC (voiceover): It’s a shame, because I think Carrot Top can actually be funny. I mean, I’ve seen him at a few Comedy Central roasts and even “Reno 911!”, and he wasn’t half bad. But, by GOD, is he annoying here. He’s like Yahoo Serious if he were shitted out by a donkey. The jokes are lame, the cinematography’s weird, sometimes you’ll get a funny line from Larry Miller, but that’s far from saving the movie. Horribly written, horribly acted, horribly directed, it’s just…horrible. It’s just proof that if a standup comedian wants to do a comedic spinoff, they have to put a lot more effort into it than this.
  
−  
⚫
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to star in my own comedic spinoff “Critic and Trout”!
  
−  
⚫
(cut to a picture of NC and a trout side by side against a city backdrop with the caption “Sold Out. Sorry, they just offered me too much money” and an 80s theme song playing in the background)
  
−  
−
The End
  
−  
⚫
Channel Awesome Tagline: (yodeler singing)
  
−
</p>
  
   
  ⚫
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Channel Awesome Tagline: (yodeler singing)</p>
 
{{NCscripts}}
  
{{NCscripts}}

Revision as of 14:53, 7 October 2011

NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.

(montage of Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, and Carrot-Top doing standup comedy along with posters of “Home Improvement,” “Seinfeld,” “Soul Man” and “Anything But Love”)

NC (voiceover): The transition from standup comedian to other forms of media certainly is hit and miss. I mean, for every “Home Improvement” or a “Seinfeld,” you get a “Soul Man” or….whatever the hell that Richard Lewis show was. And, indeed, one of the messiest transitions had to be with a comedian named Carrot Top, a very bizarre comic who made most of his living making strange and surreal prop jokes. For some reason, somebody thought this would transfer well to film.

NC: We can only hope that that person isn’t in the short line for the guillotine. This is “Chairman of the Board.”

(The movie’s title screen is shown, along with a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): The only Carrot Top movie ever made--thank Jesus--”Chairman of the Board” shows the feeble attempts of what happens when an unfunny script is given to an unfunny director starring an unfunny actor. The result?

(A picture of a pile of poop is shown)

NC: So let’s take a look at why “Chairman of the Board” should have been shredded like carrot juice.

NC (voiceover): OK, so the movie starts off with the birth of our main character and…(cut to Carrot Top’s character Edison as a baby doing experiments with actual scientific instruments and test tubes inside the mother’s womb) Oh, God. You REALLY want me to walk out early on this movie, don’t you?

(Baby Edison is propelled out of the mother’s womb and through a wall, leaving an imprint of himself)

NC (voiceover): So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed yet, the movie is pretty much fixed around unfunny cartoon humor. Don’t believe me? Here’s an unfunny cartoon.

(Cut to opening credits with a Rube Goldberg machine set up with various objects, including a bowling ball that lands on a cartoon cat’s tail, making it jump and cling onto a bicycle wheel, which turns due to the force of gravity from the cat and causes a punching glove to punch a bag that activates a gloved hand to paint the words “A 101 st Street Films Trimark Pictures Production,” then a pulley activates a robotic hand to turn on a gas tank to inflate a balloon that says “A Film By Alex Zamm”, thereby making the balloon pop and cause a brick to fall on a weight scale and reveal the movie title with a magnet)

NC (voiceover): This whole opening looks like that mathematics game you played in first grade. You know, the one that tried to entertain you, but by the end, you just want to eat the fucking screen?

NC (voiceover): We cut to a home that we’ve seen in God knows how many other films.

NC: Actually, I do know. TOO MANY! (pounds his fists on his desk as he says the last sentence)

NC (voiceover): As we cut to our main character named Edison, getting up in a way that’s also been used a bajillion times.

(cut to a machine that propels Edison out of bed and land on a wall; cut to a clip of “Wallace and Gromit” with Wallace sliding out of bed and through the floor in a similar manner)

NC (voiceover): We see his landlord played by George Costanza’s mom (Estella Harris) as it turns out she’s throwing Edison and his roommates out for not paying the rent.

Ms. Krubavitch: (talking with an artificial voice box against her throat) I want my money NOW!

NC (voiceover): Yeah, she’s using a voice box because…they thought they’d get around the fact that they’re totally wasting a funny actress.

Roommate #1 (Ty): Tell me you did not spend the rent money on another one of your gadgets.

Edison: This is a sure-fire winner! It’s the Pet Rock for the ‘90s!

Roommate #2 (Zak): That’s what you said about the Anatomically Correct Fanny-pack.

Ty: And let’s not forget the Glow Gunk for night surfing. Zak: And let’s not forget the handy dandy Ketchup Helper.

NC: And other failed jokes from his standup.

NC (voiceover): By the way, if you haven’t noticed yet, every other shot in this movie is shot at a wide-angle close-up. ‘Cause that’s just how I’d want to view the face of Weird Al Yankovic’s anus here, isn’t it?

Ty: You need to get a…a job!

Edison: Like a “job” job?

NC (voiceover): So Edison goes through a bunch of throwaway jokes to try and find a job. He even tries out for “Annie.” Wow, that…that joke fails before it even set up. (brief cut of Edison being attacked by other red-haired girls trying out for “Annie”)

NC (voiceover): During his search, he comes across an old man whose car is busted. Of course, Edison’s invention saves the day.

(cut to Edison under the car and he ends up causing an oil leak, which fall into his mouth (the “oil” is clearly chocolate syrup) before he ends up kicking his jack-in-the-box jack and have the car fall on top of him)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, I can see where Tom Green got his inspiration.

Armand McMillan (old man): I appreciate a ride to the beach. I think I still have time to shred a few waves before sunset.

Edison: You surf?

NC (voiceover): Of course, he surfs! He didn’t just bring his stunt double for nothing, did he?

(Cut to upward camera shots of both Armand and Edison surfing, whom both appear to be staying motionless)

Armand: Ha ha! Get smilin’, bud!

Edison: Armand, look, no hands!

NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah. Why don’t you get off the obviously not-moving surfboards and try it for real this time?

(Edison falls off his surfboard and lands headfirst into what looks like nothing)

NC (voiceover): So after he befriends the old man, he gets fired from a job working as Big Bird’s crack baby, when suddenly, he gets some bad news.

Edison: (reading a notice while his roommates look on) No.

Zak: What’s up? (cut to a portrait of Armand that pans back to reveal a funeral going on)

NC (voiceover): Wow. He must have wanted out of this movie pretty bad!

Not that I’d blame him. I mean, 10 minutes of this movie would cause anyone to burn their contract, but still, that’s pretty impressive. We then come across our villain, played by Larry Miller. And give him some credit, he is the only guy who’s producing a funny line once in a while.

Miller: (screams with rage while crushing his cell phone beside his face with both hands) I’ll call you later.

Grace Kosik (Racquel Welch): (to Miller) Bradford, darling. You have my condolences.

NC: (confused by the explanation of Welch’s movie appearance and waves weakly) Uhm…hello, Racquel Welch.

Miller: It’s a done deal.

Welch: Done. (leaves offscreen)

NC: Goodbye, Racquel Welch…

Edison: (runs into the funeral) Hey! Sorry, I’m late. (clumsily knocks a vase onto Armand’s stone monument with a flame on it) I got it under control! (turns the “Gas” valve, causing the flame to burst skyward)

NC: He makes an ass of himself. Next!

NC (voiceover): So while Miller is hoping to be named the new head of the old man’s invention company--yeah, I think you can tell where this is going--he turns over everything to Edison. Because he surfed with him once!

Armand McMillan: (in a video will) I leave my entire stockholdings, 45 percent of McMillan Industries to my new friend…Edison.

NC (voiceover): Well, unfortunately, he didn’t mention Edison’s LAST name, so, legally, this wouldn’t fly. But in the magical world of Bullshit Land, he becomes the new chairman of the board.

(cut to Edison riding in an elevator with three executives and lets out a long, wet fart before holding his nose nonchalantly)

Edison: (to a male executive) Can’t believe she let one rip. Our first ride up as a group? (to the female executive) Oh, come on, owe it up!

NC (voiceover): You know that five year old who tells you a horrible joke that you’ve heard a million times, but you listen to it just to be nice? Imagine a whole movie like that.

Welch: (calling Miller on the phone) I thought you said this inheritance was a sure thing.

Miller: (calling Welch on his cell phone while walking out of a room) I know, I should have had my uncle committed years ago. But I was up with my lawyer. We turned the will inside out. (the camera looks up his crotch as he says the last line)

NC: ….Thank you! That…angle from Larry Miller’s balls really added a lot to that scene.

NC (voiceover): So, while Edison is getting shown around the factory, he accidentally covers himself in Post-Its, because…that’s all he’s got. He also shows Edison the Invention Room, which hasn’t been used for years. But, of course, Edison decides to put it back into commission and…

NC: (comes to a realization) Wait a minute…Edison! Like Thomas Edison! The great inventor! I just got it! (laughs wildly before his face becomes serious and returns to the review)

NC: …and everybody in the factory couldn’t be happier. That is, except for the fact that their pay was cut to make up for all the inventions, causing them to strike.

Edison: (speaking to the striking staff on top of the corporate building) I cannot give you all a raise right now. Sorry. (the entire staff groans) But! I can give you something better. Huh? A stake in the company! (the whole crowd applauds to show their approval) I’m now making every Wednesday afternoon Luau Wednesday!

NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the most easily led staff in all of history. You know, the answer to everything isn’t simply a beach party. This isn’t Saved by the Bell!

(cut to the entire staff having a beach party)

Woman in Red: (talking about Edison) Oh, he’s really a great guy, isn’t he?

Natalie Stockwell (Courtney Thorne-Smith): Ah, does it matter? Certifiably insane.

NC: And yet you’re still gonna be his girlfriend at the end……..SLLLLUT!

NC (voiceover): So, Larry Miller has a diabolical plan to trick Edison by running the company into the ground by having him make terrible business decisions. So, yes, “Chairman of the Board” is officially ripping off the Flinstones movie. (the poster to the Flinstones 1994 live-action movie is shown) They couldn’t even find a good movie to rip off. They just went to the lowest form of creative scum they could find at the time.

NC: It’s like trying to rip off a rock! What could you possibly gain from it? (cut briefly to a photo of a boulder)

Miller: (sees Racquel Welch walking in) Well, Kosi, what a surprise.

NC: Hello, Racquel Welch…. Welch: Now get busy! (walks away)

NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.

NC (voiceover) So, in order to try and control Edison more, Miller takes him to a racquet club. (cut to the entrance sign of simply two tennis balls above the racquet club name “Malibu Racquet Club”) Really? That’s the best logo for a racquet club you could come up with?

(cut to Edison and Miller in a tennis court)

Miller: Since this is your first time, I’ll go easy on ya. (cut to tilted camera shot of Miller making the first serve)

NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sake, did the cameraman just fall there? Did the shittiness of the movie overtake him and he had to collapse to the ground?

(cut to Edison doing various slapstick attempts to hit the ball, including sliding face first into the net)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, we got it. He sucks at tennis. Please move forward!

(cut to Edison sitting above Miller on one side of the tennis court and wringing out his sweatband into an empty cup)

Miller: It’s very impressive. You know, Edison, being the leader of a major corporation is about more than playing video games or settling a strike. (takes the cup with Edison’s sweat in it) Your invention idea. (is about to drink the sweat)

Edison: What about it?

NC (voiceover): Yeah, he’s gonna drink the water. They’re just stretching it out. Please move forward!

Sexy female tennis coach: (holding two tennis balls in one hand) You have to feel the balls. Caress them instead of whacking them. (Edison shudders in lust at the coach’s revealing cleavage) And think of your racquet as an extension of yourself.

NC: For the love of butter! These jokes are too predictable! I mean, you could just replace the dialogue with…

NC (voiceover): (dubbing for female coach) Dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke. Penis.

NC: (pounding his fists onto his desk in a booming voice) PLEASE MOVE FORWARD!!!

NC (voiceover): So, while they continue to figure out how to make the movie funny, Edison finds he really starts to hit it up with a cute blonde who works there named Natalie.

Edison: Wanna grab some lunch? Natalie: Oh, oh no. I-I can’t.

Edison: (holds a pencil to her face and acts like a hypnotist with it, sounding mystical) Look into my eyes, Natalie. All you’re thinking about right now is having lunch with me, Edison, your new buddy. Look into my eyes, Natalie!

NC (voiceover): (dubs for Natalie) Please try to make it semi-realistic that I find you funny.

Natalie: Alright.

Edison: Alright!

NC (voiceover): So, of course, he hits her up for a date as they go to a history museum to each lunch as a Native American and a cowboy (Natalie as the Native American, Edison as the cowboy). What makes you think I know? So they go around and look at all the other inventors from the past, because… being an inventor, he obviously knows nothing about other inventors.

Edison: (explains about a static electricity ball) Well, actually, it demonstrates static electricity. Watch what happens when you put your hands on it. Go ahead. (Natalie laughs at the sight of her hair sticking out)

NC (voiceover): (referring to Edison’s static hair) Wow, you can do that effect without even putting your hand on it! Cool. So, Edison finally comes across his most brilliant invention: a TV dinner that actually is a TV as well.

Edison: (in a TV commercial wearing an astronaut suit and on a stage set of the moon) Hi! I’m Chef Edison, and while I’m away from home, I still love to catch up on my favorite TV shows. That’s why I always bring one of my Chef Edison TV dinners wherever I go. With flavors like, uh, Bevis and Broccoli, N.Y.P.D. Blue-berry Pie, and M.A.S.H.ed potatoes. There’s no reason to be accounted for staying at home!

NC: …Ya know, I’m just gonna start working on the apology from the filmmakers. (starts writing something down beneath the screen while more of the film is shown) “Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry….sorry.”

NC (voiceover): So, again, just like the Flinstones movie, Edison becomes rich and starts to act like a jackass to all his friends. But it turns out his stocks start to plummet when somebody reveals they got radiation poisoning from one of his TV dinners. This, of course, results in his fortune being totally destroyed.

Executive Landers (Bill Erwin): The man is glowing like a jack-o-lantern, Edison! How do you explain that?

Edison: I don’t know! But I promise you it’s gonna blow over.

Miller: Your ignorance is no longer charming.

NC: His ignorance was never charming!

Miller: I think it’s time to elect a new chairman!

NC (voiceover): So, now, Miller is put in charge of the company as he plans to sell it for a whopping big sum of money.

(cut to Edison returning home to find an eviction notice and that his entire gadget collection has been repossessed)

Edison: No! I got evicted. No, tell me this isn’t happening! My surfboard! Dinosaur…

NC (voiceover): (dubs for Edison) They even took the Gallagher DVDs I was stealing from! (normal voice) But Edison makes an amazing discovery: That guy in the video, it turns out, didn’t have radiation poisoning. It was just a special kind of makeup the whole time! (pauses) Wh…why didn’t somebody just do a test on him? No doctors to check to see if he really had it? No official diagnosis, or….oh, well, who cares? Man desperate for jokes coming through! (cut to Edison and his roommates driving in a car while wearing crash-test dummy masks and Edison using a bullhorn to tell people to get out of the way) Why are they dressed like crash-test dummies, you might ask?

NC: (throws his arms up as though he can’t think up a good reason) Cheese!

(cut to card with a slice of cheese and a caption that says, “Cheese! It’s as good as any other answer.” A yodeler is singing in the background)

NC: So Edison comes in and tells everybody about Miller’s evil plan. (cut to Edison and his roommates demonstrating the Glow Gunk in a dark room while looking like strange ghouls with the makeup on their skin)

Edison: See? A little of my non-toxic Glow Gunk, and anyone can claim that they’ve exposed to radiation. (to Miller after the lights are turned back on) This whole toxic TV dinner thing was a scam, wasn’t it? So you could get control of this company. You stole my formula for Glow Gunk, didn’t you?

Daphne (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): The plastic lid we found in the secret chamber gave him away.

Scrappy-Doo (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): And Alexander is their descendant.

NC (voiceover): Miller tries to prove his innocence, but luckily, he happens to be wearing one of Edison’s inventions, the Bull-Shirt, which always points out when he’s lying. (in a dumb voice) Why would he be wearing that to begin with?

Welch: That Bull-Shirt of yours is worth millions.

NC: Hello, Racquel Welch…

Welch: Oh, shut up, Bradford! (walks offscreen)

NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.

NC (voiceover): So, the business is back to normal, Miller is taken away, and…(cut to Edison and Natalie kissing)…EWWWW!

NC: (to Natalie) You gave up “Melrose Place” for THAT?

(cut to end credits with the text “Inspired by Bijan Amin”)

NC (voiceover): Oh, really. This movie was “inspired” by somebody?

NC: Yeah, some jackass came up to Carrot Top and said, “You should do a movie.” “Okay!” (slaps hands on his desk) This movie is horrible!

(cut to a montage of clips from the movie and photos from a Comedy Central roast and “Reno 911!”)

NC (voiceover): It’s a shame, because I think Carrot Top can actually be funny. I mean, I’ve seen him at a few Comedy Central roasts and even “Reno 911!”, and he wasn’t half bad. But, by GOD, is he annoying here. He’s like Yahoo Serious if he were shitted out by a donkey. The jokes are lame, the cinematography’s weird, sometimes you’ll get a funny line from Larry Miller, but that’s far from saving the movie. Horribly written, horribly acted, horribly directed, it’s just…horrible. It’s just proof that if a standup comedian wants to do a comedic spinoff, they have to put a lot more effort into it than this.

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to star in my own comedic spinoff “Critic and Trout”!

(cut to a picture of NC and a trout side by side against a city backdrop with the caption “Sold Out. Sorry, they just offered me too much money” and an 80s theme song playing in the background)

The End

Channel Awesome Tagline: (yodeler singing)

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