Chairman of the Board
September 07, 2010
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
(A montage of Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, and Carrot-Top doing standup comedy is shown along with posters of “Home Improvement,” “Seinfeld,” “Soul Man” and “Anything But Love”)
NC (voiceover): The transition from standup comedian to other forms of media certainly is hit and miss. I mean, for every “Home Improvement” or a “Seinfeld,” you get a “Soul Man” or…whatever the hell that Richard Lewis show was. And, indeed, one of the messiest transitions had to be with a comedian named Carrot Top, a very bizarre comic who made most of his living making strange and surreal prop jokes. For some reason, somebody thought this would transfer well to film.
NC: We can only hope that that person is in the short line for the guillotine. This is “Chairman of the Board.”
(The movie’s title screen is shown, along with a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): The only Carrot Top movie ever made--thank Jesus--”Chairman of the Board” shows the feeble attempts of what happens when an unfunny script is given to an unfunny director starring an unfunny actor. The result?
(A picture of a pile of poop is shown on the screen accompanied by a farting noise)
NC: So let’s take a look at why “Chairman of the Board” should have been shredded like carrot juice.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): OK, so the movie starts off with the birth of our main character and…(cut to Carrot Top’s character Edison as a baby doing experiments with actual scientific instruments and test tubes inside the mother’s womb) Oh, God. You REALLY want me to walk out early on this movie, don’t you?
(Baby Edison is propelled out of the mother’s womb and through a wall, leaving an imprint of himself)
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed yet, the movie is pretty much fixed around unfunny cartoon humor. Don’t believe me? Here’s an unfunny cartoon.
(Cut to opening credits with a Rube Goldberg machine set up with various objects, including a bowling ball that lands on a cartoon cat’s tail, making it jump and cling onto a bicycle wheel, which turns due to the force of gravity from the cat and causes a punching glove to punch a bag that activates a gloved hand to paint the words “A 101 st Street Films Trimark Pictures Production,” then a pulley activates a robotic hand to turn on a gas tank to inflate a balloon that says “A Film By Alex Zamm”, thereby making the balloon pop and cause a brick to fall on a weight scale and reveal the movie title with a magnet)
NC (voiceover): This whole opening looks like that mathematics game you played in first grade. You know, the one that tried to entertain you, but by the end, you just want to eat the fucking screen?
(The movie's title screen is finally shown)
NC (voiceover): We cut to a home that we’ve seen in God knows how many other films.
NC: Actually, I do know. TOO MANY! (pounds his fists on his desk once as he says the last sentence)
NC (voiceover): As we cut to our main character named Edison, getting up in a way that’s also been used a bajillion times.
(A machine propels Edison out of bed and land on a wall; a clip of “Wallace and Gromit” with Wallace sliding out of bed and through the floor in a similar manner is shown)
NC (voiceover): We see his landlord played by George Costanza’s mom (Estelle Harris) as it turns out she’s throwing Edison and his roommates out for not paying the rent.
Ms. Krubavitch: (talking with an artificial voice box against her throat) I want my money NOW!
NC (voiceover): Yeah, she’s using a voice box because…they thought they’d get around the fact that they’re totally wasting a funny actress.
Roommate #1 (Ty): Tell me you did not spend the rent money on another one of your gadgets.
Edison: This is a sure-fire winner! It’s the Pet Rock for the ‘90s!
Roommate #2 (Zak): That’s what you said about the Anatomically Correct Fanny-pack.
Ty: And let’s not forget the Glow Gunk for night surfing.
Zak: And let’s not forget the handy dandy Ketchup Helper.
NC: And other failed jokes from his standup.
NC (voiceover): By the way, if you haven’t noticed yet, every other shot in this movie is shot at a wide-angle close-up. ‘Cause that’s just how I’d want to view the face of Weird Al Yankovic’s anus hair, isn’t it?
Ty: You need to get a…a job!
Edison: Like a “job” job?
NC (voiceover): So Edison goes through a bunch of throwaway jokes to try and find a job. He even tries out for “Annie.” Wow, that…that joke fails before it even set up.
(A brief cut of Edison being attacked by other red-haired girls trying out for “Annie” is shown)
NC (voiceover): During his search, he comes across an old man whose car is busted. Of course, Edison’s inventions save the day.
(Edison goes under the car and he ends up causing an oil leak, which fall into his mouth (the “oil” is clearly chocolate syrup) before he ends up kicking his jack-in-the-box jack and have the car fall on top of him)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, I can see where Tom Green got his inspiration.
Armand McMillan (the old man): I appreciate a ride to the beach. I think I still have time to shred a few waves before sunset.
Edison: You surf?
NC (voiceover): Of course, he surfs! He didn’t just bring his stunt double for nothing, did he?
(Cut to upward camera shots of both Armand and Edison surfing, whom both appear to be staying motionless)
Armand: Ha ha! Get smilin’, bud!
Edison: Armand, look, no hands!
NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah. Why don’t you get off the obviously not-moving surfboards and try it for real this time?
(Edison falls off his surfboard and lands headfirst into what looks like nothing)
NC (voiceover): So after he befriends the old man, he gets fired from a job working as Big Bird’s crack baby, when suddenly, he gets some sad news.
Edison: (reads a notice while his roommates look on) No.
Zak: What’s up?
(Cut to a portrait of Armand that pans back to reveal a funeral going on)
NC (voiceover): Wow. He must have wanted out of this movie pretty bad! Not that I’d blame him. I mean, 10 minutes of this movie would cause anyone to burn their contract, but still, that’s pretty impressive. We then come across our villain, played by Larry Miller. And give him some credit, he is the only guy who’s producing a funny line once in a while.
Bradford McMillan (Miller): (screams with rage while tearing apart his cell phone beside his face with both hands) I’ll call you later.
Grace Kosik (Racquel Welch): (to Bradford) Bradford, darling. You have my condolences.
NC: (confused by the explanation of Welch’s movie appearance and waves weakly) Um…hello, Racquel Welch.
Bradford: It’s a done deal.
Grace: Done. (leaves offscreen)
NC: Goodbye, Racquel Welch…
Edison: (runs into the funeral) Hey! Sorry, I’m late. (He clumsily knocks a vase onto Armand’s stone monument with a flame on it) I got it under control! (He turns the “Gas” valve, causing the flame to burst skyward)
NC: He makes an ass of himself. Next!
NC (voiceover): So while Miller is hoping to be named the new head of the old man’s invention company--yeah, I think you can tell where this is going--he turns over everything to Edison. Because he surfed with him once!
Armand McMillan: (in a video will) I leave my entire stockholdings, 45 percent of McMillan Industries to my new friend…Edison.
NC (voiceover): Well, unfortunately, he didn’t mention Edison’s LAST name, so, legally, this wouldn’t fly. But in the magical world of Bullshit Land, he becomes the new chairman of the board.
(Cut to Edison riding in an elevator with three executives and lets out a long, wet fart before holding his nose nonchalantly)
Edison: (to a male executive) Can’t believe she let one rip. Our first ride up as a group? (to the female executive) Oh, come on, owe it up!
NC (voiceover): You know that five year old who tells you a horrible joke that you’ve heard a million times, but you listen to it just to be nice? Imagine a whole movie like that.
Grace: (calling Bradford on the phone) I thought you said this inheritance was a sure thing.
Bradford: (calling Grace on his cell phone while walking out of a room) I know, I should have had my uncle committed years ago. But I was up with my lawyer. We turned the will inside out. (the camera looks up his crotch as he says the last line)
NC: …Thank you! That…angle from Larry Miller’s balls really added a lot to that scene.
NC (voiceover): So while Edison is getting shown around the factory, he accidentally covers himself in Post-Its, because…that’s all he’s got. He also shows Edison the Invention Room, which hasn’t been used for years. But, of course, Edison decides to put it back into commission and…
NC: (comes to a realization) Wait a minute…Edison! Like Thomas Edison! The great inventor! I just got it! (laughs wildly before his face becomes serious and returns to the review)
NC: …and everybody in the factory couldn’t be happier. That is, except for the fact that their pay was cut to make up for all the inventions, causing them to strike.
Edison: (speaking to the striking staff on top of the corporate building) I cannot give you all a raise right now. Sorry. (the entire staff groans) But! I can give you something better. Huh? A stake in the company! (the whole crowd applauds to show their approval) I’m now making every Wednesday afternoon Luau Wednesday!
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the most easily led staff in all of history. You know, the answer to everything isn’t simply a beach party. This isn’t Saved By the Bell!
(Cut to the entire staff having a beach party)
Woman in Red: (talking about Edison) Oh, he’s really a great guy, isn’t he?
Natalie Stockwell (Courtney Thorne-Smith): Ah, does it matter? Certifiably insane.
NC: And yet you’re still gonna be his girlfriend at the end...SLLLLUT!
NC (voiceover): So Larry Miller has a diabolical plan to trick Edison by running the company into the ground by having him make terrible business decisions. So, yes, “Chairman of the Board” is officially ripping off the Flintstones movie. (the poster to the Flintstones 1994 live-action movie is shown) They couldn’t even find a good movie to rip off. They just went to the lowest form of creative scum they could find at the time.
NC: It’s like trying to rip off a rock! (cut briefly to a photo of a boulder) What could you possibly gain from it?
Bradford: (sees Grace walking in) Well, Kosi, what a surprise.
NC: (waves) Hello, Racquel Welch….
Grace: Now get busy! (walks away)
NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.
NC (voiceover) So in order to try and control Edison more, Miller takes him to a racquet club. (cut to the entrance sign of simply two tennis balls above the racquet club name “Malibu Racquet Club”) Really? That’s the best logo for a racquet club you could come up with?
(cut to Edison and Bradford in a tennis court)
Bradford: Since this is your first time, I’ll go easy on ya.
(cut next to an upward tilted camera shot of Bradford making the first serve)
NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sake, did the cameraman just fall there? Did the shittiness of the movie overtake him and he had to collapse to the ground?
(Edison does various slapstick attempts to hit the ball, including sliding face first into the net)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, we got it. He sucks at tennis. Please move forward!
(Cut to Edison sitting above Bradford on one side of the tennis court and wringing out his sweatband into an empty cup)
Bradford: It’s very impressive. You know, Edison, being the leader of a major corporation is about more than playing video games or settling a strike. (takes the cup with Edison’s sweat in it) Your invention idea. (is about to drink the sweat)
Edison: What about it?
NC (voiceover): Yeah, he’s gonna drink the water. They’re just stretching it out. Please move forward!
Female Tennis Coach: (holding two tennis balls in one hand) You have to feel the balls. Caress them instead of whacking them. (Edison shudders in lust at the coach’s revealing cleavage) And think of your racquet as an extension of yourself.
NC: For the love of butter! These jokes are too predictable! I mean, you could just replace the dialogue with…
NC (voiceover): (dubbing for female coach) Dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke. Penis.
NC: (pounding his fists on each word onto his desk in a booming voice) PLEASE MOVE FORWARD!!!
NC (voiceover): So, while they continue to figure out how to make the movie funny, Edison finds he really starts to hit it up with a cute blonde who works there named Natalie.
Edison: Wanna grab some lunch?
Natalie: Oh, oh no. I-I can’t.
Edison: (holds a pencil to her face and acts like a hypnotist with it, sounding mystical) Look into my eyes, Natalie. All you’re thinking about right now is having lunch with me, Edison, your new buddy. Look into my eyes, Natalie!
NC (voiceover): (dubs for Natalie) Please try to make it semi-realistic that I find you funny.
NC (voiceover): So of course, he hits her up for a date as they go to a history museum to eat lunch as a Native American and a cowboy (Natalie as the Native American, Edison as the cowboy). What makes you think I know? So they go around and look at all the other inventors from the past, because…being an inventor, he obviously knows nothing about other inventors.
Edison: (explains about a static electricity ball) Well, actually, it demonstrates static electricity. Watch what happens when you put your hands on it. Go ahead. (Natalie laughs at the sight of her hair sticking out)
NC (voiceover): (referring to Edison’s static hair) Wow, you can do that effect without even putting your hand on it! Cool. So Edison finally comes across his most brilliant invention: a TV dinner that actually is a TV as well.
Edison: (in a TV commercial wearing an astronaut suit and on a stage set of the moon) Hi! I’m Chef Edison, and while I’m away from home, I still love to catch up on my favorite TV shows. That’s why I always bring one of my Chef Edison TV dinners wherever I go. With flavors like, uh, Bevis and Broccoli, N.Y.P.D. Blue-berry Pie, and M.A.S.H.ed potatoes. There’s no reason to be accounted for staying at home!
NC: ...You know, I’m just gonna start working on the apology from the filmmakers. (starts writing something down beneath the screen while more of the film is shown) “Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry…sorry.”
NC (voiceover): So, again, just like the Flintstones movie, Edison becomes rich and starts to act like a jackass to all his friends. But it turns out his stocks start to plummet when somebody reveals they got radiation poisoning from one of his TV dinners. This, of course, results in his fortune being totally destroyed.
Executive Landers (Bill Erwin): The man is glowing like a jack-o-lantern, Edison! How do you explain that?
Edison: I don’t know! But I promise you it’s gonna blow over.
Bradford: Your ignorance is no longer charming.
NC: His ignorance was never charming!
Bradford: I think it’s time to elect a new chairman!
NC (voiceover): So now, Miller is put in charge of the company as he plans to sell it for a whopping big sum of money.
(cut to Edison returning home to find an eviction notice and that his entire gadget collection has been repossessed)
Edison: No! I got evicted. No, tell me this isn’t happening! My surfboard! Dinosaur…
NC (voiceover): (as Edison) They even took the Gallagher DVDs I was stealing from!
NC (voiceover): (normal) But Edison makes an amazing discovery: That guy in the video, it turns out, didn’t have radiation poisoning. It was just a special kind of makeup the whole time! (pauses) Wh…why didn’t somebody just do a test on him? No doctors to check to see if he really had it? No official diagnosis, or….oh, well, who cares? Man desperate for jokes coming through! (Edison and his roommates are seen driving in a car while wearing crash-test dummy masks and Edison using a bullhorn to tell people to get out of the way) Why are they dressed like crash-test dummies, you might ask?
NC: (throws his arms up as though he can’t think up a good reason) Cheese!
(cut to a title card with a slice of cheese and a caption that says, “Cheese! It’s as good as any other answer.” A yodeler is singing in the background)
NC (voiceover): So Edison comes in and tells everybody about Miller’s evil plan.
(Edison and his roommates demonstrate the Glow Gunk in a dark room while looking like strange ghouls with the makeup on their skin)
Edison: See? A little of my non-toxic Glow Gunk, and anyone can claim that they’ve exposed to radiation. (to Bradford after the lights are turned back on) This whole toxic TV dinner thing was a scam, wasn’t it? So you could get control of this company. You stole my formula for Glow Gunk, didn’t you?
Daphne (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): The plastic lid we found in the secret chamber gave him away.
Scrappy-Doo (from the animated “Scooby Doo” TV series): And Alexander is their descendant.
NC (voiceover): Miller tries to prove his innocence, but luckily, he happens to be wearing one of Edison’s inventions: the Bull-Shirt, which always points out when he’s lying. (in a dumb voice) Why would he be wearing that to begin with?
Grace: That Bull-Shirt of yours is worth millions.
NC: (waves) Hello, Racquel Welch…
Grace: Oh, shut up, Bradford! (walks offscreen)
NC: …goodbye, Racquel Welch.
NC (voiceover): So, the business is back to normal, Miller is taken away, and…(Edison and Natalie are shown kissing)…EWWWW!
NC: (to Natalie) You gave up “Melrose Place” for THAT?
(cut to end credits with the text “Inspired by Bijan Amin”)
NC (voiceover): Oh, really. This movie was “inspired” by somebody?
NC: Yeah, some jackass came up to Carrot Top and said, “You should do a movie.” “Okay!” (slaps hands on his desk) This movie is horrible!
(A montage of clips from the movie is shown along with photos from a Comedy Central roast and “Reno 911!”)
NC (voiceover): It’s a shame, because I think Carrot Top can actually be funny. I mean, I’ve seen him at a few Comedy Central roasts and even “Reno 911!”, and he wasn’t half bad. But, by GOD, is he annoying here. He’s like Yahoo Serious if he were shitted out by a donkey. The jokes are lame, the cinematography’s weird, sometimes you’ll get a funny line from Larry Miller, but that’s far from saving the movie. It's horribly written, horribly acted, horribly directed, it’s just horrible. It’s just proof that if a standup comedian wants to do a comedic spinoff, they have to put a lot more effort into it than this.
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to star in my own comedic spinoff “Critic and Trout”!
(cut to a picture of NC and a trout side by side against a city backdrop with the caption “Sold Out. Sorry, they just offered me too much money” and "As Days Go By" from Family Matters plays in the background)
Channel Awesome Tagline: (yodeler singing)