Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham #2
August 27, 2012
The dark, haunting tale of a woman and her improbable physique!
Holokara (v/o): Previously on Atop the Fourth Wall...
(Cut to MarzGurl in her car)
MarzGurl: (scoffs) Whatever! I got passion panties– Wait, didn't I already do this one? Like, years ago? Isn't this the thing where people started shipping me and Linkara?
(Cut to Oancitizen with his face in a book called "Foucault's Pendulum" by Umberto Eco; he holds up a stuffed toy snail)
Oancitizen: Escargotancitizen, (puts down book) if my data is correct, it seems that we are in... a rerun.
(Cut to Phelous)
Phelous: Yes! It's my time to really be a part of a "Previous On" segment. Now, first of all...
(Cut to Paw, holding up a knife)
Paw: Then, with Benzaie out of the way, I will be the only Frenchman left on this site! (cackles)
(Then, suddenly confused, he takes a piece of paper (the script, apparently) and looks at it and then becomes annoyed)
Paw: You wrote this for SadPanda, didn't you?
(He crumples up the paper and tosses it at the camera, which shakes from being hit; he leaves; cut back to Phelous again)
Phelous: Wait, did I just get interrupted? Damn it, I've got a really funny "Previously On" segment joke to do!
(Cut back to Oancitizen, who is talking on the phone)
Oancitizen: No, no, no, no, you don't understand! People are sick to death of crossovers and cameos. If Linkara does one now... it could be the death of us all!
(Cut back to MarzGurl, who is on her phone in her car)
MarzGurl: But people always love the "Previously On" segments! If he doesn't do one, there will be rioting in the comments!
(Cut back to Phelous again)
Phelous: (talking on the phone) He has to stop now! If he doesn't, people will start thinking crossovers aren't any good!
(Cut back to Oancitizen)
Oancitizen: Wait. Phelous? How are you in this call?
Phelous: My segments keep getting interrupted, and I will not let it happen again!
(Cut to Nella, who is knitting something; she looks up and becomes concerned about something; cut back to MarzGurl again still on her phone)
MarzGurl: I got... The Star Trek II music is getting out of control! Soon, it'll be too loud for us to hear each other!
(Cut back to Oancitizen, who has one finger in his ear as he tries to talk on the phone)
Oancitizen: What?! MarzGurl, I can't hear a word you're saying! God, it's like Murray Gold scored this "Previously On" segment!
(Cut back to Nella, who continues to look around nervously; she stammers briefly before speaking)
Nella: Wait, I've never been in one of these things before! Am I supposed to be doing something? I-I-I I just– I'd like to know what it is I'm supposed to be doing in this thing for you, because I've never been on a "Previously" for... thing... before... Aw, to hell with it. (goes back to knitting) And I thought Lindsay was bad.
(Cut back to Phelous)
Phelous: Well, I think that means... (the music swells dramatically, drowning out what he has to say; he leaves)
(Cut back to MarzGurl still on her phone)
MarzGurl: Look, we need to restore normality to this "Previously On" segment, and the only way to do that is throw in an unexpected plot twist and make it an entirely new episode.
(Cut back to Oancitizen)
Oancitizen: (on the phone) There's only one way to do that... (leans in close to camera) An unexpected cameo!
(JesuOtaku pops up)
JesuOtaku: I'm unexpected!
(Cut to black)
Holokara (v/o): And now, the conclusion.
(Title sequence plays; title card has "Secret Agent Man" playing over it, performed by Devo)
(Cut to shots of "Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham #1")
Holokara (v/o): ...we had an Elseworlds tale, all about Catwoman and Batman switching places, only not really, because Batman was a murderous asshole instead of just a thief like Catwoman was, so not much point in that. Also, Two-Face was a woman with a lamer backstory, and if you thought for a second that it would contribute to the story, continue to enjoy your land of make-believe, where things have a point, instead of just being irritating filler. Batman cuts off his own glove and hurt himself, because he was kind of a moron, which somehow sends Catwoman off the edge of a building.
Holokara: So, let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham #2" and see just how much dumber this story can get.
(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Holokara (v/o): The cover for this one isn't nearly as bad as the first one, but that's not saying much. Really, it's only better because it shows less of Catwoman's horrible costume, content instead to feature a really wonky perspective. Apparently, Catwoman's spine isn't the only thing that's made of rubber; her legs are seemingly also able to wobble around and go off in different directions they really shouldn't. Oh, and now we can see that she has two pouches on her leg belt thing. It's so conducive to crime-fighting to have that. I mean, it's not like a villain would ever tie you up in a way where you couldn't reach a thigh-mounted belt that mysteriously stays on.
(Cut to a shot of Batgirl, who has a similar pouch on her leg belt)
Holokara (v/o): Yes, I know about that one, and it looks stupid on there, too, but at least she had a proper belt instead of some corset along with it!
(Cut back to the comic)
Holokara (v/o): We open where we left off last issue, with Catwoman plummeting to her doom.
Batman: Faster, faster, pussycat... Fall, FALL!
Holokara : That reference doesn't make any sense!
Holokara (v/o): Dear Lord, Catwoman's boob socks must act as some kind of suspension bra or something. Notice how her massive breasts aren't falling along with gravity, too? Is that what the Pokewatcher on her thigh is? Some kind of anti-gravity device for her chest? Oh, and with all the other stupid things going on with her outfit, I completely forgot to talk about Catwoman's adage heels. Yeah, those are really helpful when you're leaping around everywhere and landing on your tippy-toes the whole time! Oh, and despite there being blood on her face from being punched, her lipstick is absolutely fine and perfectly in place. After all, we wouldn't want to show someone getting bruised up from a fight. It'd make her less sexy! And obviously, the point of a story like this is to show sexy women getting beat up like Catwoman has in this stupid-ass book! Also, Batman's glove has massive spikes on it. Just... why?
Catwoman: (thinking) He's insane-- slashed off his own glove just to drop me... First fight-- and I lost!
Holokara: Oh, yeah, that's the most important thing to be thinking about right now as your falling to your death: that Batman kicked your ass!
Batman: (thinking, as holds up his bloodied, gloveless arm) Pity I can't consummate my plans for Selina Kyle... but at least Catwoman is eliminated.
Holokara: (as Batman, holding up his arm; laughs, then becomes alarmed) Oh, dear God, this is gonna get infected! Why did I do this? This was really stupid!
Holokara (v/o): However, Catwoman manages to use her whip to grab onto something and swing into a building, helping break her fall, then bounce back and forth between two buildings to decrease her momentum until she lands safely.
Catwoman: BATMAN! I don't care about the glove either--but I'll take the blood! I've got your genetic fingerprints!
Holokara: (as Catwoman, holding up glove) Let me loudly boast about my plans so you can start working on foiling them!
Batman: She... survived?
Holokara (v/o): Oh, you've gotta love this expression. It's like if "Wha-wha-whaaa" had a face. Nineteen minutes later, Catwoman arrives back at police headquarters... where I guess Commissioner Gordon was just waiting on the rooftop for her. She gives him the bloody glove so they can use it as evidence for a DNA match should they catch him, or at least see if they can compare to anyone on file. As Gordon walks back downstairs, Batman is nearby. Smart move once again by our heroine for declaring her plans! And for some reason, Batman licks the blood pouring from his nose.
Holokara: (as Batman, pretending to lick something) Mmm, strawberry.
Holokara (v/o): Why would you ever draw this? It's just so... silly! Speaking of silly, Batman leaps out to the roof of police headquarters and just yells out...
Holokara: (as Batman, in pain) Oh, God, I'm a fool! I'm wearing sneakers, and I just landed on concrete! I think my feet are broken!
Holokara (v/o): After Gordon stores the bloody glove in the evidence room, Batman sneaks in... clearly still dripping blood, so him trying to retrieve his glove is going to be pretty pointless. Actually, come to think of it, Catwoman has his blood on her glove.
(Cut back to the first Catwoman comic)
Holokara (v/o): Remember in the first issue? She grabbed his hand so hard, it drew blood! She still has it! Or rather, it's one of those little disconnects between artist and writer, where they clearly weren't communicating this little plot hole to one another. Good work.
(Back to the current comic)
Holokara (v/o): Two SWAT members are walking in the halls – in complete darkness, of course – talking about how they could totally take Batman. Moench – and thank you for correcting me in the pronunciation of it* – never let anyone insult his bat-love, even when he's writing it, has Batman come out and knock them out with one punch each. Look, yes, Moench has apparently done some very good work with the mainstream Batman, but you give the guy the chance with these Elseworlds, and Batman, even as a villain, becomes completely unstoppable! Oh, and clearly, you're spreading your own blood around by punching like that, so you're leaving it everywhere! And yes, they probably think it was the SWAT members' blood, but you are getting what I'm saying here, right? For someone so determined to get his bloody glove back, he's really doing a fine job of LEAVING HIS BLOOD EVERYWHERE!! Hell, let's not even worry about the blood at the police station. Catwoman can get some dried blood from where she was fighting him before.
- NOTE: "Moench" was up to now pronounced "Mo-ENK", but from here on out, it's pronounced "MONK".
(Cut to a clip of Batman Forever)
Bruce Wayne (Val Kilmer): It just raises too many questions.
(Cut back to the comic)
Holokara (v/o): Anyway, Batman charges the rest of the SWAT members... Why are they all in gear if they're just sitting around eating donuts and drinking coffee? Oh, yeah, very subtle there; cops eating donuts. Ha ha ha. Also, one of them is named Moench, and another looks to be named Balent. Cute. But yeah, Batman uses gas grenades on them, since, of course, being some homeless guy who didn't grow up with rich parents and later toured the world to the best at EVERYTHING, EVER, means that he has EVERYTHING he had as Batman. Batman reaches the evidence room and quickly retrieves his glove.
Batman: Not a speck of evidence left behind.
(Holokara looks at the comic with disgust, then cut to a clip of Saturday Night Live)
???: You an idiot?
(Back to the comic again)
Holokara (v/o): As Batman leaves, Gordon chases after him and shoots, but Batman tosses a Batarang back, destroying the cat-signal. He says he's late for a previous engagement, and two hours later, he's in a park with Selina. Yep, he's been bleeding out the nose for a while now, meaning he obviously had some damage there, but yeah, a broken nose is easily covered up. Bruce, still pretending like he's Secret Agent Man, says that he's tired of his spy work and wants to get married to Selina. She says she'd be okay with it, but the problem is that she has her own secrets. And so, even though they've probably only known each other for, like, a few weeks, Selina reveals to him that she's Catwoman. And she can apparently change into it really damn quickly. Mind you, she'd have to, considering how elaborate the damn thing is.
Selina: I warned you, Bruce-- and now do you see?
Holokara: (as Bruce) Well, to be honest, I didn't think you were into that kind of thing, but okay, I'll try anything once.
Holokara (v/o): Bruce of course says that he doesn't mind if she's Catwoman and blah, blah, blah.
(Cut to shots of a mainstream Batman comic, in which Batman similarly reveals himself to Catwoman)
Holokara (v/o): You know, in the mainstream universe, Batman did eventually tell Catwoman who he was – after they had known each other for years, and he came to realize that he loved her and that she was a positive influence in his life...
(Cut back to the Catwoman comic)
Holokara (v/o): ...not after them knowing each other for barely five minutes, and one claiming to be some kind of super-spy, without any proof to back it up. They spot the broken cat-signal in the sky... I'm pretty sure it wouldn't look like that... and I just noticed that Catwoman's corset rides up something fierce like a thong – unless she now has some kind of ass-sock in addition to her boob-socks. And if that wasn't enough perspective wonkiness, in the panel below these, her leg is sticking straight out like that while she's running, despite the rest of her head being perfectly level. I'm sure I'm supposed to the story as Catwoman replies that she will indeed marry him, but all I can think of is, "Oh, dear God, why does DC Editorial let this through without changing it, yet apparently..."
(Cut to a shot of Stephanie Brown as Batgirl)
Holokara (v/o): "...Stephanie Brown is a character they hate and they refuse to put in a book?" We live in a messed-up world, my friends.
(Back to the Catwoman comic)
Holokara (v/o): Anyway, Catwoman arrives back on the rooftop so Gordon can tell her what happened.
Gordon: Injured thirteen cops on their home turf. Made my people look like monkeys...
Holokara: (as Gordon) Though I do think I'm gonna fire those two guys, Moench and Balent. They were always harassing the women on the force and can never shoot straight anyway.
Holokara (v/o): Catwoman declares that it's her responsibility.
Catwoman: Without twisting my cat image into warped inspiration for his bat gimmick, he wouldn't even exist. In a certain sense, I actually created him.
Holokara: (rubbing his temples in irritation) Oh, my God! Would you STOP IT WITH THAT?! You know absolutely NOTHING about Batman or his motivations! It's not like he leaves notes saying it's all her fault or something! STOP TAKING CREDIT FOR IT!!
Holokara (v/o): She returns to the Cat-cave, where Brooks is bending over. I think her maid outfit has somehow gotten worse, possibly due to the fact that it is now just a front that keeps her breasts in check. Again, this is okay by DC's editorial standards...
(Cut to another shot of Samantha Brown as Batgirl)
Holokara (v/o): ...but this character?? (scoffs) Not allowed to be used anymore, not even in non-canon "Smallville" comics.
(Cut back to the Catwoman comic again)
Holokara (v/o): Selina tells Brooks how she fought Batman.
Selina: Close enough to smell the blood when I kicked his face.
Holokara: (listlessly) Gee, I don't suppose you want to give the Gotham City Police Department that bloody boot, do you? No? Okay, continue being an idiot.
Holokara (v/o): Selina tells Brooks that she and Bruce are getting married. Brooks, shockingly, shows more sense than her and points out how much of a colossal mistake this could be. Yes, the woman who wears this [a more suggestive maid outfit] while she's cleaning a mansion all day is the only smart person! As if to undermine that, however, enjoy this unnecessary upskirt shot of Brooks' panties. Brooks, who I guess must have psychological training, deconstructs Selina's personality by saying she's emotionally deprived and is too trusting, too starved for affection to recognize what a mistake this could be. I can't help but wince at this. While Batman has been deconstructed by many before, what with his desire for vengeance being a result of how damaged he could be from his childhood, it somehow feels wrong when it's broken down as "they just want love and affection". If that was the case, Bruce would've actually married one of the many love interests he's had before. Instead, it comes across more like...
(Editor's note: "And you can't say 'but she's different from Batman!' when the writing has gone out of its way to make her life EXACTLY like Batman's.")
Holokara (v/o): ..."This is why a woman can't be Batman. They're always using their girly emotion thingies." Admittedly, I could just be talking out of my ass here, but that's the way it feels to me in this story, one that has not exactly sold me on Catwoman being this formidable opponent when we haven't seen her achieve any real victories in this story! Anyway, Brooks also brings up the fact that Selina doesn't know anything about Bruce's super-secret job, but she finally tells her to knock it off, possibly because she keeps bending over and mooning her. Brooks finally caves and makes a joke to Selina about making dinners for him. Selina throws a pillow at her and Brooks... sticks her tongue out at her... It just looks wrong, and Balent keeps drawing people sticking their tongues out. He did this in the first issue, too. Is this another fetish of his, along with the big boobs?
Holokara: (sticking out his tongue) Do I make you horny, baby? (nods)
(Cut to Pollo)
Pollo: We'll be right back in a moment... maybe. We'll see.
(Pollo leaves as the AT4W logo appears in the corner; cut to commercial break; upon return, Pollo comes in again)
Pollo: And now we're back. Good times.
(Pollo leaves again as the AT4W appears in the corner; cut back to the comic again)
Holokara (v/o): And on the 23rd of June, Selina Kyle marries Bruce Wayne... whose hair is brown instead of black and in a weird kind of front curl thing. Also, why is it that her wedding dress looks more sensible for crime-fighting than her superhero outfit? I also notice her breasts are smaller whenever she's out of the outfit. Is there just a lot of padding in there? And just one final comment on the artwork: maybe I'm wrong here, but to me anyway, that does not look like a well-drawn kiss. It kinda looks more like Bruce Wayne is eating her mouth and upper chin, and they're both perfectly in profile. One of their heads needs to be titled slightly in order for this to work. I-It's hard to put into words, but just do a DeviantArt search or a Google Image search of people kissing and compare it to this image, and I think you'll get the idea. We cut to a month later, and we learn that Selina hasn't gone out as Catwoman in a while, since Batman has been mostly quiet. Selina also says she's been feeling different lately. So, yeah, everything's happy and good. Later that night, Selina calls out to Bruce, saying she went to the doctor today.
(Cut to a clip of The Room)
Claudette (Carolyn Minnot): (to Lisa) I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.
(Cut back to the comic)
Holokara (v/o): I'm gonna spoil the "shocking" twist that she gives away at the end: she's pregnant. Also, notice how even when she's in slippers, Balent can't draw her feet in a non-high-heeled pose. Hence, why she's now balancing on her tippy-toes – IN SLIPPERS. Selina walks out and discovers that Brooks is dead, an absolutely MASSIVE Batarang embedded in her skull! And yet, no blood or even an exit wound. That's impressive. Batman leaps out and tries to kill Selina, who manages to pull off his mask enough to reveal it's Bruce.
Selina: YOU?! Oh NO... N-Not... NOT Y-YOU!
Holokara: (as Selina) Your hair is a completely different color now! B-But how?!
Batman: Why so shocked, my blushing bride? You didn't foresee any-- marital spats?
(Cut to a clip of SNL, showing a drummer playing a rim shot, to which everyone in the room laughs; back to the comic again)
Holokara (v/o): Let me ask what may be a dumb question: why does he want to kill her? Dude, you're married to a highly attractive woman and have access to billions of dollars! You have a comfortable life in a mansion, and you got away with massive amounts of crime! It's not like you have a psychological compulsion, like the Riddler has. You're not Joker-level crazy. Clearly, you were stealing expensive things to get money, and with money comes comfortable living! You don't have a sick child you're trying to save with an expensive operation. You clearly have enough mental faculties to train in martial arts, develop technology, and hone yourself to physical perfection! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HER?! WHY ARE YOU SCREWING WITH A GOOD THING HERE?!? You know, this is the DC Universe. An alternate version of it, yes, but still the DC Universe. This is a world that features talking apes that fight flying robots, little kids who yell "SHAZAM!" and get magical powers, and the universe reboots itself every few years. Even in a world that has all of that, YOU DO NOT MAKE SENSE!!!! This is the worst kind of villain, folks: he has no motivation, no credible backstory, no emotional connection that makes us sympathize or understand why he does the things that he does, he's just some asshole who wants to kill the hero because he's the villain! Selina flees to try to get to the Cat-cave, but Batman tackles her down some stairs.
Selina: Y-You... You're insane!
Batman: Yes, but no marriage is perfect!
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Scrubs)
Dr. Cox: Maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying. Or maybe it's my fault, because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people.
Holokara (v/o): Selina then just starts randomly yelling out things, probably just so Batman can reply, quote-unquote, "hilariously".
Selina: You murdered Brooks!
Batman: Two's company, darling. Three's homicide.
Selina: You want to murder me too!
Batman: Sorry to spring it on you, dear, but I'm two all on my own--perfect company for myself.
Holokara: (confused) Is Batman calling himself "fat"? Th-That's usually what someone means when they say someone is "two people". Or that he's pregnant.
Holokara (v/o): And don't tell me it's because he has a costumed identity. He's the same asshole both times; it's just wearing different clothes.
Selina: You want to eliminate Catwoman...
Batman: She is a nuisance, sweetheart.
Selina: ...and inherit Selina Kyle's wealth!
Holokara: They must have genuinely thought that the readers were too stupid to figure this plot out on their own. There is no other reason for this dialogue to be here.
Holokara (v/o): Selina gets knocked into a pair of swords on the wall, and enraged, she grabs a sword in a... really badly-drawn page. Her thumb is going right into the hilt.
(Editor's note: "Actually her thumb is right there, but I couldn't tell until after I zoomed in on it.")
Holokara (v/o): She retaliates fiercely.
Batman: Why not? You don't think I actually loved you!
(Holokara raises his finger in the air, and Weird Al Yankovic's "I Was Only Kidding" plays briefly)
Holokara (v/o): After several attacks, she stands in this hilariously awkward manner and prepares to kill Batman. However, she hesitates, and Batman is able to kick her back. Fortunately, she's knocked near the mansion's silent alarm and she hits it, signaling the police.
Selina: Guaranteed response time of six minutes, murderer, and I can hold out a lot longer than that.
Holokara (v/o): (noticing that Selina is holding out a sword while struggling to stand) Well, not if you keep standing like that. Your balance is all over the place.
Selina: Six minutes. --And counting.
Batman: You... WITCH!
Holokara: What, they have no problem exploiting the female to bend over and show off underwear at every opportunity, but saying "bitch" is too much? For crying out loud, I don't say some of the more colorful four-letter words around here, but I'll still say "bitch"!
Holokara (v/o): So Batman crashes through a window, because just leaving out the door would make too much sense. I mean, he does have six minutes to get to the door and leave from there. And he walks broken glass all over himself. Selina stands still with the sword extended for nine minutes until the police arrive, and she explains what happened. Several hours later, the police have left. No, don't take her downtown to get her statements or anything; just leave her there in the broken remains of her house and her marriage. The rest of the day, Selina sits in a chair and contemplates everything that happened, and at night, her army of cats comes up to her, wanting their food. You know, I can't help but see this as a parallel to how Batman got his start: sitting in a chair in the dark, when suddenly, a dark animal comes in.
Narrator: And only when the room is almost black do her eyes finally harden.
Selina: Of course!
Holokara: (as Selina, holding up fist) I shall become A CAT! Oh, wait...
Holokara (v/o): Selina has had a revelation about where Batman was hiding before: an old bell tower. She figures that he's gone back there, which he has, finally demonstrating some genuine detective skills other than just immediately assuming that you're right after you've had a few disparate historical facts about a person. After using a cat-shaped grenade – just roll with it – she enters and starts beating up on him, yelling about how she wants vengeance for her old friend, and how she's pissed that he tricked her. Yep, spell out all that character development; don't just imply it or let the art or natural dialogue convey it, jus-just... have her yell it all out. Catwoman knocks him off a ledge, and I do have to give this book one credit: this image of Batman falling, with the lightning bolt behind him. It kind of looks like a parody of the "Dark Knight Returns" cover. It's actually kind of clever... but I'm sure it was accidental. Batman manages to grab Catwoman's hand, just like before, and begs her to pull him back up, that he really does love her and realized how wrong he was.
Catwoman: Nice try, murderer, but as you once said... do you really think I care about that glove?
(Cut to a clip of The Tommy Wiseau Show)
Wiseau: Yeah, I see big boobs and do you think it's smart, huh?
(Back to the comic again)
Holokara (v/o): You know, when we first saw Batman here, he was just looking at a random object he'd stolen. It would really make me laugh if Batman really did reform in the last few minutes and Catwoman is just murdering him outright. Dark, yes, but considering how stupid this thing is, I'll take it. Anywho, she cuts her glove, and just like before, he starts falling since, you know, gloves just slip off like that. However, as he's falling, he screams...
Batman: I CREATED YOU!
Holokara (v/o): ...before his body hits a few things along the way that pretty much guarantee that he's dead. Catwoman, confused by what he said, goes back into his lair and discovers all his old loot. And yep, I called it! She finds the Cracker Jack ring from her childhood. Because, of course, it makes sense that he'd not only steal the worthless plastic ring, he'd still have it, like, twenty years later. This kind of revelation is so damn forced.
(Cut to a clip of the Batman movie, showing Bruce Wayne's parents getting mugged and then murdered by, as it turns out later, the Joker)
Holokara (v/o): And yes, I say that about the 1989 Batman movie, too, where the Joker was the one who killed Bruce's parents. It's DUMB, forcing a level of conflict that isn't necessary. In my opinion, it's always better that we never know the identity of the Waynes' killer, since the entire point is that crime and evil are anonymous. Hence, a need for vigilance against it. If you're really gonna go that route and know who the killer is, I say go the Batman Begins route, where Bruce – or in this case, Selina – doesn't get to have direct vengeance. Otherwise, it implies the whole thing is just one big quest for revenge. And revenge is not what Batman should be about!
Holokara: And wait a damn minute! How did Batman know that he created her?!
Holokara (v/o): The next day... or night, rather, considering it's still dark outside. Ah, misleading captions... Catwoman goes to the graves of her parents and places the ring on her mother's grave.
Selina: Unlike you, the monster who stole it didn't think it was worth much... Never even bothered to pawn it.
Holokara: (incredulously) It's a stupid plastic ring from a candy box! How could he pawn it?! I've got promotional rings for Green Lantern books that are worth more money than that thing!
Selina: But he... he's gone now... just like you. Whatever he was, monster or not...
Holokara: (even more incredulously) "Monster or not"?! He killed your parents and your best friend and tried to kill you!!
Selina: ...I only wish you and Dad could have lived to meet your grandchild. The doctor says... it's a daughter.
Holokara: Dun-dun-DUUUUUHHHH... Already spoiled it! (snaps comic shut and holds it up) This comic sucks!
Holokara (v/o): Let's put aside the artwork. Actually, let's not. The artwork is absolutely atrocious, preferring to put Catwoman, and in fact, every female character, into as little clothing as possible and then bend them over to maximize, quote-unquote, "sexiness" in a book that is not about SEXINESS!! But even if the artwork was good, it couldn't save this story. There's nothing unique about her character here. Many people in the comments pointed out that if it actually was Catwoman being Gotham's protector, there's a story to be told there. No Batman at all, just a traditional character who decides to step up and be more than just a thief. Instead, we have (mocking voice) "Hey, what if Selina Kyle had Batman's life? Well, she'd have Batman's life, except bigger boobs!" (normal) And even then, she sucks at her job, getting outmatched in every encounter. Hell, she only barely defeats Two-Face! Batman outmaneuvers her for the entire thing until the final fight!
Holokara: "Catwoman: The God-Awful Guardian of Gotham"! (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)
(End credits roll)
I didn't bring it up in the review, but there are seriously a ton of statues of naked women all throughout the book, usually in Selina's mansion. When Balent likes to draw something, he just can't stop, can he?
Moench and Balent's names also appear on tombstones in the graveyard. Did we really need that many easter eggs? Or are we to infer that Batman killed the two cop versions?
Oh and by the way? No editor actually listed for this book. That actually kind of explains a lot.
(Stinger: Cut to Linkara where he was last seen: at Aplos the great wizard's living room)
Linkara: (confused) Turning evil? No, I'm not!
Aplos: (sitting in his comfy chair) Oh, yes, you are. This isn't the first time I've seen this. You're arrogant, power-hungry, and so deluded... you can't even see it. You don't value the opinions of others, and your selfishness and egomania are getting to the point where you see anyone but yourself.
Linkara: (irritably) This is nonsense! You're probably not even the real wizard! I bet this is all an elaborate trap to–
(Aplos then stands up and interrupts, speaking in a deep, booming voice, almost like Zordon from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; the room dims slightly)
Aplos: SILENCE!! IT IS NOT WISE TO ARGUE WITH A WIZARD, FOR WE HAVE LITTLE PATIENCE AND A LOT OF POWER!
(Linkara looks shocked, not believing Aplos' identity; the room returns to normal)
Aplos: (sighs, normal again) And in the end, it's power that's the problem. Magic is a power, but so many believe it to be a path to gaining more power, domination over others, massacre and murder, just to be wicked and steal! Magic, however, is a power that can't be used for evil.
Linkara: What do you mean by that?
Aplos: Wizards, witches and warlocks have existed for thousands of years. Tell me, how many history books have you opened up and found that the dark sorcerer has taken over the world?
Linkara: I-I guess I never thought about it.
Aplos: Of course. Don't you know anything about magic? You're only focused on your problems! Magic is a force tied to the very being that wields it: their conscious, their mind, their very soul! It can be used in defense, it can be used to heal and help others. It cannot be used to actively or passively hurt others. A human soul knows the difference between right and wrong, even if the mind has been clouded so much that it can't tell.
Linkara: Didn’t seem to stop Malachite.
Aplos: (sighs and sits back down) Malachite was old when the world was young. His power was beyond anything any magic user has seen before or since. The point is, it's really rare that someone is able to break the rules like that. In fact, the times I've heard about it, I can count on one hand.
(He holds up a single finger: a pinkie; it isn't just one hand, it's just Malchite)
Linkara: What about curses or dark magic? Hell, that magic gun was forged in a terrible ritual!
Aplos: When that happens, they tended to be granted magic from a more powerful, dark, demonic source that doesn't exist in this world. A god or a demon bestows a boon on some poor sap, forgetting to mention that there's always a price.
Linkara: So, you're saying that my magic stopped working because my soul knew I was a bad guy?
Aplos: No, it has happened yet. Someone else decided to speed things up just to get your attention.
(Aplos holds up the magic gun)
Linkara: (confused) The gun? Margret did?
Aplos: You know, she's worried about you, worried about what you might become.
Linkara: (irritably) I AM NOT TURNING EVIL!!
Aplos: (standing up again) Oh, really? Tell me how often you use your powers selfishly?
Linkara: (as Patton) It is obviously I who should be president!
(He laughs maniacally as thunder is heard; cut to "Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #5")
(Cut back to the present)
Aplos: How many people have you lashed out against unreasonably?
(Flashback to Linkara's review of "Battle for Bludhaven #1-2")
Linkara: (turning sharply to 90s Kid) YOU WHAT?!? 90S KID, I COULD WRING YOUR...
Linkara: I HAVE A SPACESHIP!
Douchey: OH, SWEET JESUS, AAAAAAA– (the screen cuts off, replaced with static)
Linkara: (holding up his remote) Oh, how I do love owning a spaceship.
(Cut back to the present, as Linkara becomes more and more horrified by the truth)
Aplos: How many times do you worry about your own problems before anyone else's?
(Flashback to another clip of "Battle for Bludhaven #1-2")
Cloak #1: I'm only a temp now!
Linkara: (uninterested) Yeah, life's tough all over. I need some information.
(Cut to a clip of the review of "Superman: Distant Fire")
Iron Liz: So, what are you gonna be doing while I'm risking life and limb?
Linkara: Don't worry, I'll be doing the most important job of all: reviewing a crappy Elseworlds comic.
(Cut back to the present)
Aplos: And how many times did you arrogantly assume that your solutions were the right ones, that your answers were the only ones?!
(Flashback to the opening of the video for the "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" comic)
Harvey Finevoice: Yeah, but I thought "Vigilant" was the name that the people voted for.
Linkara: Yes, but it's not their ship, now, is it?
(Cut to "Battle for Bludhaven #3-4")
Harvey: (worriedly) Kid, I really–
Linkara: Harvey! I know you're worried about me, but this is the only way.
(Cut back to the present)
Aplos: Do you ever ignore the suffering of others?
(Flashback to footage of Linkara's video on "Sir Charles Barkley and the Referee Murders")
Linkara: But anyway, so I filled it up with gravy...
(A woman next to him takes his magic gun and tries to hit herself with it)
Linkara: ...and then I just tried to kind of marinate it with a bunch of cheese and whatnot...
(Cut back to the present)
Aplos: Or are you just off in your own little world, when others are trying to get you to listen for just five damn minutes?!
(Flashback to Linkara's video on "Captain Electron #1", showing Linkara standing in an empty room at Animinneapolis)
Linkara (v/o): And of course, the thing I appreciate most about occasions like this... are the people.
(Cut to Linkara's video on "Star Trek #2")
Linkara: (to Iron Liz) Oh, so aside from the review, I was clearly nothing like that other Linkara.
Iron Liz: (sarcastically) Right...
(Cut back to the present)
Aplos: Our actions and our thoughts shape who we are, and yours are not shaping up to be the ones of a hero. I suggest you go home and take some time to ponder who you really are, because you are going to need to help yourself.