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Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham #1

Catwoman guardian 1 at4w

Air Date
August 20, 2012
Running Time
31:48
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Tagline
"I am vengeance! I am the night! I am... a really crappy Elseworlds story!"
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Holokara: (listlessly) Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. You know, some Elseworld stories have potential, and you know they have potential on concept alone. Today's comic, though?

(An image of Catwoman holding up Batman's mask and cape is shown)

Holokara (v/o): The story concept for this one is basically "What if Catwoman was Gotham's protector instead of Batman?" I'm sorry, but the concept is weak!

(Another image, this one of a group of different versions of Catwoman, is shown)

Holokara (v/o): Catwoman, while being a character in her own right, with different motivations and backstory, probably wouldn't be all that different from Batman. The primary difference is that Catwoman is a thief, but if she's supposed to be Gotham's protector instead of Batman, I expect that to be downplayed. It also doesn't work because Batman chose the bat for a reason...

(A shot of Batman swinging through Gotham is shown)

Holokara (v/o): The mythology, the symbolism, the fear that a bat invokes. A cat, however...

(A video of a cat playing a silly tune on an electric keyboard is shown briefly)

Holokara: As a species, we've stopped being afraid of cats when we collectively realized, "Oh, crap! The cats aren't the ones responsible for the Black Death! We should really stop killing them!"

Holokara (v/o): Despite popular folklore associating cats with witchcraft or something, the truth is, nobody's really all that afraid of cats. A cat is not some dark, terrible creature of the night that will strike fear in the superstitious criminal mind. I think Catwoman being Gotham's protector, and this is what is conjured up...

(Cut to a shot of Catwoman with an actual cat's face on it)

Catwoman (voiced by Obscurus Lupa): Eehh, I'm the hero Gotham deserves, but not what it needs... 'cause I'm lazy. Heh, heh-heh-heh.

(Cut back to the collage of versions of Catwoman)

Holokara (v/o): But hey, you can take a lame concept and really run with it, right? Do something good with it? Of course you can, so let's get some talented people on–

(Cut to a closeup of the credits for the Catwoman comic in question, which has the word "Moench" prominently displayed)

Holokara (v/o): Oh, crap! Yep, time for more fun with Doug Moench.

(Cut to a shot of the cover of S.C.I. Spy 1, also by Moench)

Holokara (v/o): Look, I do try to avoid personal attacks against specific creators in these videos. I really do. I know it may not seem that way, because I'll sometimes call people idiots, but it's more out of a moment of rage and passion.

(Cut to a shot of a Spider-Man comic)

Holokara (v/o): For example, for all the hate I toss at Joe Quesada for "One More Day", the guy actually did make Marvel into a company that was the highest-grossing comic company for years, until DC's relaunch last year.

(Cut to a shot of a "Youngblood" comic)

Holokara (v/o): As much as I hate Rob Liefeld's writing and art, I've heard creators talk about how enthusiastic he is about the medium, and, for good and for bad, he did help revolutionize creators' rights and independent comics in the '90s, when he and a bunch of others split off to form Image Comics.

(Cut to a shot of "The Dark Knight Strikes Again")

Holokara (v/o): And Frank Miller... Hmm... No. No, no, I have nothing nice to say about Frank Miller these days. He's pretty loathsome.

(Cut to a shot of Gary Brodksy's "How to Publish Comics")

Holokara (v/o): Him and Gary Brodsky, the sexist sack of crap.

(Cut to a shot of "JLA - Act of God")

Holokara (v/o): Look, the point is, I have nothing against Doug Moench personally. I don't know the guy. He could be really awesome. But take someone like...

(Cut to a shot of "Cable")

Holokara (v/o): ...Fabian Nicieza. With him, I have a pretty good bet that even though he's written some crap, odds are good that he's writing something decent.

(Cut back to "JLA - Act of God")

Holokara (v/o): Doug Moench? Every comic that I've run into of his has made me sigh and shake my head, at best. His stories worship Batman, even to the point...

(Cut to a shot of "SCI-Spy 2")

Holokara (v/o): ...where stories that can't even have Batman appear in them STILL SOMEHOW HAVE BATMAN IN THEM!!

Holokara: Well, okay, writing isn't everything about a comic. How about the art team? (the word "Balent" is displayed, prompting Holokara to facepalm himself) Okay, we're screwed.

(Cut to a shot of a comic called "Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose")

Holokara (v/o): I brought up Jim Balent before, waaaaay back in the Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review, and in particular, his magnum opus "Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose", responsible for this happy little Internet meme: "Samantha Brown! You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!"

(Cut to shots of Catwoman comics as done by Balent)

Holokara (v/o): He's also the artist responsible for putting Catwoman in a stupid-looking, skintight, purple outfit and making her breasts as big as her head. Let's not even get into the logistics of how we're able to see their exact shape like that. It's unfortunately a common artistic trend among bad artists who don't know how to draw clothes over a woman's chest, instead assuming that women's clothing contains some kind of boob sock that fits over them like that.

Holokara: So as you can imagine, this is not going to be any fun. Let's dig into (holds up comic to be reviewed today) "Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham #1".

(AT4W title sequence plays; title card has Sugar Ray's "Every Morning" playing over it; cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)

Holokara (v/o): Oh, dear Lord, this cover! Layout-wise, there's nothing wrong with it, but seriously, I just want to groan at every bit of this. (sees a scary-looking cat face for the signal in the sky) What the hell is that, her equivalent of the Bat-Signal? Well, in fairness, I guess I was wrong about the cat motif being something frightening for the criminal mind, since that thing is friggin' TERRIFYING! Less terrifying is Catwoman's outfit. This is really the kind of costume that makes you scream, "WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?" Artistic license lets me forgive stuff like the purple or her hair being long and easily grabbable. But the corset?! REALLY?!? How conducive to crimefighting is something that doesn't let you bend over? Then again, Balent is one of those artists who was inspired by artistic styles of the 1990s, so it's probably like that cover from...

(Cut to a shot of the cover for...)

Holokara (v/o): ..."The Godyssey", where a woman's spine bends in such a way that, as long as your pelvis is okay, you can form a 90-degree angle like that.

(Cut back to the Catwoman comic cover)

Holokara (v/o): Also, LEGS THE SIZE OF SKYSCRAPERS! Oh, and the garters attaching her thigh-high boots to the corset. Very necessary to hold that tiny pouch and... What the hell is that, a compass? And then there are the boob socks! You know, forget grabbing onto her hair. When they're jutting out like that, especially from clothing that tightens up everything else, congratulations, you have given villains something new to grab onto while fighting! Also, Batman is on this cover! Yep, he's in the book, too, since of course he and Catwoman have had their roles reversed... sort of. It's stupid, as you'll see. And I must say, this Catmobile has got nothing on...

(Cut to a panel of "Nightcat", showing...)

Holokara (v/o): ...Nightcat's Cat-illac.

(Back to the Catwoman comic)

Holokara (v/o): I'm not even sure there's a door into this stupid-ass car. Oh, yeah, and the cat symbol from the signal light is painted on there, too. I wonder why she doesn't have the logo on her chest as well? Oh, right, because our eyes are already drawn to her chest for different reasons! (the comic opens to the first page) We open at midnight in Gotham City, and the Cat-Signal is on, and it looks just as terrifying there as it does on the cover. It's like the moon is getting ready to eat us!

Narrator: In the wake of a simple crime with hidden depths, distant light slashes blackness, becoming a bizarre symbol and signal.

Holokara: The symbol and the signal was also a sigil.

Narrator: Responding to this silent call is the strange, sleek figure sworn to protect all the city's midnights.

Holokara: (as narrator) 1AM can go straight to Hell, however.

Holokara (v/o): At police headquarters, Commissioner Gordon is standing next to the Cat-Signal when... Oh, sweet merciful... How is that it somehow looks even worse than on the cover?! It's like Jim Balent looked at the cover design he made, and it was like "You know what? I need to make her breasts look even bigger!" The Commissioner tells Catwoman about how the First Bank of Gotham was completely cleaned out, and the night guard was ripped apart like an animal had done it. There aren't any clues other than they know the criminal escaped thanks to a tunnel in the bank's basement leading to the sewers. However, like Batman, Catwoman has already disappeared from sight.

Commissioner Gordon: Eh? Already gone...Taking another tough one personally... as if she were Gotham's own guardian.

Holokara: (dripping sarcasm) Oh! (shoves comic in front of camera) NOW I get the title! (scowls) Thanks.

Holokara (v/o): Catwoman is in the sewer and comes across the sack the criminal used, but she's suddenly attacked from the water by Killer Croc. And, oh, lookie, I was right; 90-degree spinal movement and the center of mass for bending over is at her ass! Man, it's a good thing that human bodies carry all their mass in their legs, or else this might look awkward or something. She tries to reach for her whip, but gets knocked aside by the massive being. He says he needs the money for an operation to fix his reptilian appearance. Dude, you're like fifteen feet tall, you've got a giant crocodile head, what appear to be spikes on parts of you... I think you're gonna need more than one operation. Catwoman tries to get him to surrender, but he just roars...

Killer Croc: SHUT UP!

Holokara (v/o): Her response? Rope up his jaw and proclaim...

Catwoman: You shut up!

Holokara: Ooh, burn. Catwoman has the wit of a nine-year-old. (as Killer Croc) Shut up! (as Catwoman) You shut up! (as Killer Croc) No! You shut up! (as Catwoman) You win this round...

Holokara (v/o): She claws him across the eyes, then leaps onto... his head? His neck? Either way, it looks ridiculous, and she tries to hit him on the snout.

Catwoman: (thinking) No effect... His hides too tough...!

Holokara (v/o): Yeah, it's real tough, which is why you were able to claw it enough to draw blood a mere two panels ago. However, the fight ends when a Batarang comes out of nowhere and strikes Croc in the back, which I guess was his weak point for massive damage, since Croc falls over dead instantly from it. A few nights later, Catwoman is meeting with the Commissioner again, and I just noticed that she actually put purple lipstick on, too. That's dedication to your look. Also, in this pose, again, GIANT BOOBS! You know, it's almost like Jim Balent likes drawing those or something, but...

(Cut to a shot of Tarot, also drawn by Balent)

Holokara (v/o): (laughing) ...that can't possibly be it.

(Cut back to Catwoman)

Holokara (v/o): Also, because of this pose (which is her arms crossed) and how large her lips are in the drawing, she looks like she's pouting, but pouting as hard as she can. Anyway, Gordon tells her that the Joker escaped from Arkham and, unfortunately, they weren't able to get any evidence off of the Batarang. Anyway, in this universe, the Joker has... uh... safety pins all over his face... I guess, to keep his smile on 24/7. Because that's what happens when it's Catwoman and not Batman. Anyway, the Joker is monologuing to himself about how he'll use his "lethal laughing gas"... See? It's even labeled on the can... in the ventilation system at City Hall to kill everyone in the building. However, Catwoman arrives, and the two fight for a bit before the Joker escapes by... shooting acid in her face from his flower. Okay, usually, it's acid, but in this case, it's mace, because this would be a short story otherwise. She chases the Joker into an abandoned comedy club. Geez, Gotham City rivals Angel Grove for its empty, abandoned buildings and destitute economy. However, instead, she is confronted by his gang of Nightmare Clowns!

Nightmare Clown: Slapstick heaven, boys... Grab a stick and start slappin'!

Holokara: (looking offscreen) Hey, Boffo, clowns don't say suggestive stuff like that very often, do they?

(Boffo stands there, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, then honks his horn)

Holokara: Yeah, I didn't think so.

Holokara (v/o): After she battles her way through several of them, including one guy who has spike-filled cream pies, so points for originality there, she charges through a doorway to discover the Joker murdered, and guess who's standing over him!

Catwoman: You... You murdered him...just like Killer Croc! Who are you?

Batman: Figure it out. If you're the Catwoman, then I'm--

Holokara: (as Batman) Possum Man!

Catwoman: A... BAT-man.

Batman: The Batman.

Holokara: Oh, my God! You're the Batman?! Can I get your autograph?!

Catwoman: You didn't have to kill him.

Batman: But I did.

Catwoman: It's murder.

Batman: And because of it, he'll never bray at the moon again.

Holokara: (confused) The Joker was a werewolf?

Holokara (v/o): She tries to grab him, using her whip, but Batman is easily able to cut it with his serrated Batarang, and then leap out of a tall building. Wait, what? Look at this, they're in a tower now! How big was this friggin' abandoned comedy club?! They're like fifty stories up now!

(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The She-Creature)

Mike Nelson: Space is warped and time is bendable.

(Back to the comic)

Holokara (v/o): But yeah, Batman in this universe is a murderous psychopath with red eyes... just like Catwoman is in the mainstream universe! Except not. And then she's back with Commissioner Gordon's... Wait, what the hell is he wearing? And what's that painting on the wall? (it's of Gordon pointing like the famous Uncle Sam "I want YOU" poster) In this universe, is Commissioner Gordon the equivalent of Uncle Sam?

Holokara: (pointing to camera) I want you to join Gotham City's police department!

Holokara (v/o): Gordon suggests that Batman is another vigilante, out to steal her thunder.

Catwoman: His victims were hardly choirboys, but he's still a ruthless killer.

Gordon: I didn't say a vigilante was a good thing, Catwoman. ...Present company excepted, of course.

Holokara (v/o): Then there's an awkward silence before he hands a file to her about three recent murders that have had their faces mutilated, and he asks her to look into it.

Catwoman: Maybe. Or maybe we should just sit back and let the new vigilante handle it.

Gordon: I didn't mean--

Catwoman: Forget it, Commissioner. I'm just peeved on principle.

Holokara: No kidding. What the hell did you get pissed off at him for, exactly?

Holokara (v/o): In the... Cat-cave, Catwoman is investigating the murders, and we see that Selina in this universe is also a crazy cat lady, because she has a dozen cats just kind of laying around her computers. Yeah, that's perfectly safe for them to be crawling all over the buttons and stuff. She finds a link between the three and... Oh, my, you're gonna love this. See, they decided to revise the origin for Two-Face in this universe. See, instead of it being Harvey Dent, the attorney who is one of Bruce Wayne's close friends, who suffered from psychological problems, thus creating an emotional link between the hero and villain, and a real tragedy to his character... it's a woman now! Specifically, a supermodel named Darcy Dent. Darcy was dating an ad executive for a cosmetics firm, and the ex-girlfriend of the ad exec put some kind of corrosive into her makeup that damaged half of her face. The three murders were the three she blamed for it. Mind you, this is all very quick detective work, and Catwoman just immediately comes to the conclusion that she's behind the three murders, without any real evidence beyond the theory. But yeah, she's absolutely right. Also, she apparently decides to walk away from her computers for some reason and then walk back again in the next panel... while bending over awkwardly. I don't get it, it's not even like it's an ass shot; the next panel covers up her rear.

Holokara: And isn't this such a superior backstory for Two-Face? A pissed-off model, who not only has the scarred face, but also does the split clothes look thing (a panel showing said split clothes appears) for absolutely no reason, since she wasn't suffering from a split personality?!

Holokara (v/o): I'm serious, check it out. All we know is that there was corrosive acid in her makeup. Why is half of her hair purple and curly? And why does she dress her clothes in half? Oh, and her "evil outfit"?

(Cut to a shot of the regular Two-Face's evil attire)

Holokara (v/o): Two-Face gets business suits that have different colors.

(Cut back to the female Two-Face)

Holokara (v/o): Female Two-Face gets half of her outfit as a business suit, the other half a leather bra, spiked belt, and a thong. Working theory: Jim Balent just wanted to draw another half-naked woman. I'm just guessing that, of course; I don't know for certain. This could all have been Doug Moench's really idiotic idea. And oh, yeah, speaking of art that makes no sense, Two-Face is bending over like this so we can see her thonged ass in this panel. You know what this is?

(Cut to a shot of a cover for "Catwoman Issue #0", which similarly shows off Catwoman's breasts and butt)

Holokara (v/o): This is that "Catwoman #0" cover coming out in September that's been hitting the Internet for a while now that shows off her breasts and butt for no reason. Thirteen years after this comic, mainstream artwork can still get this bad!

(Cut back to the current Catwoman comic)

Holokara (v/o): Anyway, Catwoman arrives, stops Two-Face from murdering her agent... and ex-fiancee? This is kind of confusing. Batman is there, too, and tries to kill Catwoman for "preventative measures". However, a distraction by the fiancee gives Batman a chance to escape and for Catwoman to do the first part of the YMCA pose. However, she spots the discarded ring of the fiancee on the ground, leading to a flashback to Selina's childhood. She got her ring in a Cracker Jack box and gave it to her mother. Her rich parents, wonderful people that they are, decide that the best thing to do is to take her out to a movie: specifically, "Cat People".

(Footage of Cat People is shown)

Holokara (v/o): You know, the 1942 black-and-white HORROR MOVIE?!? The one responsible for the Lewton bus, a technique still used today in horror movies?! The one about a woman who believes she'll transform into a panther if she gets sexually aroused?!? Oh, yeah, that's a perfect film to bring a little girl to!

(Back to the comic)

Holokara (v/o): To be fair, her father questions whether this is a good idea, but her mother shrugs it off. Brilliant. And yeah, this is apparently her inspiration for becoming Catwoman. You know, Zorro actually makes sense as an inspiration for Batman, because it's about a masked vigilante who hung out in a cave and wore black.

(Another clip of Cat People is shown)

Holokara (v/o): Where in Cat People does someone hang out in a cave and wear purple, skintight outfits and corsets?!

(Cut back to the comic again)

Holokara (v/o): Anyway, after the movie, she chases after a cat into an alleyway, but a mugger approaches and shoots her parents, even having time to slip off the Cracker Jack ring her mother was wearing. Calling it now: Batman was her parents' killer. Why? Because that's crappy writing at its finest! Anyway, Selina drives her stupid-ass car back to her mansion, where we meet... Oh, for the love of... Yeah, there's an Alfred in this version, an Alfred who's wearing a more revealing French maid outfit than Yvette in the Clue movie!

Brooks: I suppose you'll want a platter of milk... now that you're finished catting for the night.

Holokara: You just called your boss a hooker, you know. That's what "catting" as a verb means, a slang term meaning "to look for sexual partners". Well, that, and "to hoist up an anchor", but if that's the case, whaaaaat?

Holokara (v/o): You know, Alfred has been the Waynes family confidante for decades, so where the hell does this woman, named Brooks, come from? She knows Selina is Catwoman, but admits that she doesn't know why she's Catwoman. Brilliant. Just... Just brilliant. Oh, yeah, and nice feather duster there. I'm sure that picks up all the cat hair in the dank, damp cave.

Brooks: Haven't you stopped enough crime by now?

Catwoman: Not unless I've stopped it all...

Holokara: Good to see you have realistic goals.

Brooks: What you really need is a nice young hunk who hasn't committed mass murder. Settle down, raise a litter of kittens...

Catwoman: You've had me fooled, Brooks... Here I thought you were a liberated busybody.

Holokara: You know, this is what happens when you have two people who don't understand a thing about feminism trying to write feminist characters.

Holokara (v/o): Anyway, Brooks whines about how it sucks to have to constantly clean the mansion and fix up her torn costumes and the like. You know, the Alfred in Christopher Nolan's Batman movies speechifies a lot, but damn it all if I don't miss that right now. Just compare and contrast, shall we? (the following word pops up...) Alfred...

(Cut to a clip of The Dark Knight, showing Alfred (Michael Caine) addressing Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale))

Alfred: Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

(The following word pops up...)

Holokara (v/o): Brooks.

(Cut back to the Catwoman comic)

Brooks: What you really need is a nice young hunk who hasn't committed mass murder.

Holokara (v/o): Actually, let's not compare and contrast. Alfred wins. This comic is stupid. Over the course of a week, the giggling mad Batman goes on a crime spree, stealing stuff and killing people until the eighth night, when Catwoman is sitting on the Cat-Signal in, shock of all shocks, an awkward design to push out her chest.

Catwoman: He wasn't playing vigilante. He was ruthlessly eliminating the competition-- before launching his own one-man, all-out crime wave.

Gordon: Looks that way-- The Joker, Scarecrow, Killer Croc, Penguin, Riddler...Thanks to him, they're all gone.

Holokara: What was he afraid of? That he and the Riddler would show up to steal the same thing and that it would be really awkward?

Gordon: He does seem worse than all of them combined... Mostly thefts, but he's hardly above murder if a night-guard gets in his way-- Maybe the worst criminal Gotham's ever seen.

Holokara: (deadpan) Really? He's worse than the guy who was going to pump poison gas into City Hall?

Catwoman: And he came out of nowhere...a monstrous creature of the night, springing full-blown from the darkness--with no warning.

Holokara: Well, we did get a lot of angry messages demanding that we outlaw rock 'n' roll music, but we never connected it before.

Holokara (v/o): They speculate that he was probably a common thug who adopted a gimmick and found power in it, and Selina believes that she's responsible for inspiring him to take up a costumed identity. Wow, ego much? You know, none of the other criminals were inspired by you, so why the hell is he so damn special? She thinks that if it wasn't for her, he'd still be a common thug– (stops abruptly, however, when he sees how... suggestive she looks in one panel) Okay, really?! Really with that pose? You know, this would be the point where I tell the artist that if he just wanted to draw porn, he should just draw porn, but... well, he is drawing porn, so... yeah, keep that up, Balent! Later, Batman sneaks into Selina Kyle's mansion to steal stuff, but unwittingly comes across the Cat-Cave's entrance. Naturally, it has no other security features; it's just a switch that opens up behind a painting.

Batman: (thinking) What in the name of...? Computer station... state of the art... targeted on me...

Holokara: (as Batman) My God, it's a fan tumbler!

Batman: (thinking) Unbelievable... But there's no other explanation.

Holokara: (as Batman) Selina Kyle... is Superman!

Batman: (thinking) It's an underground cat-lair.

Holokara: Oh, just say "Cat-Cave"! You know you want to!

Holokara (v/o): He even finds her alternate outfits and... (zooms in on one outfit in particular, whose breasts look very hairy) What the hell is on that outfit? Some kind of Tribble bra? Batman puts everything back and escapes, thinking that he needs to make sure there's no evidence that he was ever there. But we don't see him soldering the security system wire back into place, so... yeah, I think that plan's a no-go. A week later, at a high society party, Bruce Wayne comes in to woo Selina Kyle... wearing the fakest smile ever. Seriously, his psychotic grin as Batman was more convincing than this. As the two walk out amongst the weeping angels in the courtyard, he tells her that he's not rich, he's just on a super-secret, mega-ultra, spy mission thingy that he can't tell her about, and Catwoman, being as dumb as a sack of rocks, buys it, and starts developing a relationship with him. We get another montage of Batman killing people, Catwoman being too late, and the paparazzi reporting on their growing romance. I notice nobody in the press bothers to try to follow Bruce to get more info about him. Commissioner Gordon puts together a map of where Batman has struck and where it's likely he'll strike again, and Catwoman goes to stake it out for a few nights, finally spotting him escaping with some loot. They fight and exchange banter, Batman claiming he's superior because he's bigger and stronger, but Catwoman is faster.

Batman: You're fast-- but size beats speed every time!

Catwoman: Really? Tell it to Bruce Lee!

Holokara: (as Catwoman) Then tell it to his clones!

Catwoman: Or Sugar Ray.

Holokara: (singing to Sugar Ray's "Someday") Someday... when my life has passed me by... I'll lay around and wonder why Catwoman karate-chopped Batman... (shrugs)

Holokara (v/o): Well, to be fair, I was confused by this originally, but really, she's referencing not one, but two boxers, Sugar Ray Leonard and Sugar Ray Robinson, both known for being incredibly fast. You can imagine my initial confusion, however, since the band Sugar Ray is not exactly known for its speedy fighting prowess.

Holokara: (singing to Sugar Ray's "Every Morning") Something so deceiving... When you stop believing... Punch me in the face...

Batman: All right... first blood to you.

(Cut to a clip of The Addams Family)

Gomez Addams (Raul Julia): One for you, Tully.

(Back to the comic again)

Holokara (v/o): Batman manages to Brute Force through Selina until knocking her off a ledge. She grabs onto his arm enough to draw blood.

Batman: Do you really think I care about that glove? Hah! I'd give my right HAND to be rid of you!

Holokara (v/o): Aaaand he proceeds to cut off his glove so much he starts bleeding from it, causing her to fall. Uh, how loose was that glove on your hand, dude? That should not have done anything but hurt yourself. You'd have to actually cut off your hand for that to work. Not that you'd really need to anyway. If you're so good at throwing your Batarang from a distance to kill someone with it, maybe you ought to just throw it at her head! And so, our comic ends with Catwoman yelling...

Catwoman: FALLING!

Holokara (v/o): Well, thanks for narrating the blindingly obvious, Selina...

Holokara: REVIEWING A HORRIBLE COMIC!

Batman: And don't bother landing on your feet, kitten... Even at your weight, it would shatter your spine!

Holokara: (sarcastically) It would? Damn it, I really thought she could survive if she landed on her feet! (holds up comic and says in a normal voice) This comic sucks! Unfortunately, it’s not the end, though. Tune in next week for the stupid conclusion.

TO BE CONTINUED

(Credits roll)

So even when Batman isn't the HERO of the story, Gordon proclaims that he's "the worst criminal Gotham has ever seen." Batman is still the most awesome guy EVAR to Doug Moench even when he's the bad guy.

One could postulate that he doesn't kill Catwoman with a batarang to the head at the end because he wants to get married and get her fortune first, but then why risk her dying at the end by letting her fall from that great a height?

(Stinger: Linkara is heard speaking)

Linkara (v/o): Journey Log: While the magic signals from Canada proved to be dead ends, I did get some information at Conbravo. I was told by many that I might be able to find help from a great wizard living in the area. Several people gave me the coordinates and Nimue directed me to them... until my communicator lost contact with the ship. I'll try to reestablish contact later. In the meantime, though, what I found at the coordinates was... unexpected.

(Cut to Linkara heading to and knocking on the front door of a small house. A woman in her 30s answers.)

Linkara: Uh... hi, this is gonna sound weird, but... uh, I'm looking for the great wizard, Aplos.

Woman: (to inside the house) Steven, it's for you!

(She heads back into the house, Linkara is then greeted at the front door by Steven, AKA Aplos (played by Lewis's brother, Graham))

Aplos: (waves) Hi there!

Linkara: Uh... Aplos the wizard?

Aplos: I go by Steven now these days, but whatever floats your boat. How can I help you?

Linkara: Uh... yeah, I've been having a problem with my magic lately, and I've been told that you could help me.

Aplos: Okay, come on in.

(Aplos heads back inside and Linkara follows him to the living room.)

Aplos: Have a seat!

Linkara: I'd prefer to stand.

Aplos: (sitting down in a big, comfy chair) Suit yourself.

Linkara: (looking around the living room) This... was not what I was expecting.

Aplos: What the hell do you want? It's 2012; there aren't a whole lot of people living in gloomy castles, standing over crystal balls, and crap like that! Anyways, I'm a busy guy, what do you want?

Linkara: Well, a few months ago, my magic... stopped working, (takes out magic gun) my magic gun won't fire, and the few spells I can cast, well, they won't even sparkle.

Aplos: Uh-huh. (snaps fingers and holds out hand) Hand it over. (Linkara does so and Aplos examines it) Hmm. Hmm, oh, I see.

Linkara: What? What is it?

Aplos: Shut up, idiot, I'm talking to the gun!

Linkara: What?!?!

Aplos: I said shut up! What are you, as dumb as you look?! (he then looks at the gun and begins to talk to it) Oh, he is. (Linkara is offended by the insult) Okay, I'll confirm for you.

(He places the magic gun on a TV dinner table next to him where he also has some dice with ruins. He rolls them)

Aplos: (comical tone) Ooh, not good.

Linkara: What did you just...?

Aplos: Shush! (gets up and examines Linkara's jaw) Yep, just as I thought.

Linkara: I...?

Aplos: Can't go FIVE seconds without flapping your jaw, can you, kid? (lets go of jaw and sits back down) That's okay, it's kind of a trait of what this thing is. I've seen this thing before.

Linkara: Seen what before?

Aplos: What the problem is. You know, the reason why your magic isn't working? Your gun figured this out already. Did you know her name's Margret?

Linkara: (surprised) No, I-I didn't. I've been trying to find that out for a while now.

Aplos: Well, of course you didn't know. You haven't unlocked Margret's full potential. If you unlocked it and this had happened, you probably would have been too far gone.

Linkara: What do you mean?

Aplos: The problem is not with your magic. The problem is with you.

Linkara: (stunned) What?!

Aplos: (aggravated) Look, I'm gonna explain this in the most direct manner I possibly can, so it can get through your thick skull to your tiny little brain: You... are... turning... evil!

(Linkara looks shocked by this news)

(end)

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