April 02, 2013
(We start off by zooming on a sign that says "Catwomen Anonymous." Inside, a counselor (played by Jim Jarosz) is talking to the Catwomen)
Counselor: Okay, I think we've made some progress today. I think that Miss [Anne] Hathaway, (played by Tamara Chambers, who gets glared by Michelle Pfeiffer (Played by Rachel Tietz)) talking about the benefits of winning her Oscar, shows us all how we can move on (Sean Young (Joanna Kay) rolls her eyes) from not starring in our own Catwoman movie.
Michelle Pfeiffer: Oh, please.
Counselor: Miss Pfeiffer disagrees?
Michelle: Yes, Miss Pfeiffer disagrees. They talked about making a Catwoman movie for years, and I was supposed to play the part. But they waited too long and the fanbase died down, resulting in that abomination with Halle Berry.
Anne Hathaway: Shh, shh, shh. You know we never mention She Who Must Not Be Mentioned.
Michelle: But aren't you technically mentioning her? (That makes Anne think)
Sean Young: It doesn't matter. Pfeiffer's role should have been my role to begin with!
Counselor: Yes, Sean Young. We all remember how you ambushed Tim Burton dressed as Catwoman in order to force him to put you in the role. (He then glances toward the camera) That's not comedic writing. She really did that, folks.
Sean: Still doesn't matter! Berry stole the role from all of us and she ruined it!
Michelle: Yes, it was the first time that Catwoman had been given the leading role, and she botched it up forever.
Anne: Yes, and she has never paid for her actions.
Counselor: Now, now, ladies, let's stay focused, okay? Uh, Eartha Kitt, (played by Malcolm Ray) I believe last week, we were discussing how you felt like a Catman trapped in a Catwoman's body.
Eartha Kitt: No! I agree with them! We should keep our focus on the pussy bitch who stole all our chances to shine! If it wasn't for her, one of us could be the definitive Catwoman!
Sean: ...Aren't you dead?
Michelle: (standing up) Kittkat is right! It's time for retaliation. We can't just sit here all day and listen to this half-wit psychic analysis.
Michelle: What did you call me?
Anne: The counselor's name-calling?! This group is falling apart!
Sean: (standing up) We need to take action!
Anne: (standing up) We will get a leading role!
Eartha: (standing up) Purring Rs, unite!
(The group of Catwomen purr loudly at the counselor, rolling their Rs as they do)
Counselor: Now, ladies, ladies, this is getting out of hand. (The Catwomen stop purring) Now the Catwoman movie is so despised that no one would ever write that character in a leading role. (Eartha scoffs) Okay? I doubt you could even get the lead in a Catwoman review.
Eartha: The what?
Counselor: The Catwoman review. The one coming out this week.
Michelle: By whom?
(The group close in on him before we get to the Nostalgia Critic opening, before showing NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. When the movie Batman Returns...
(Footage of Batman Returns is shown)
NC (vo): ...came out, people mostly had one reaction... (An image of a surprised and confused woman is shown) The hell was that? But they also had another reaction: Catwoman was pretty cool. And thus, a movie based on the anti-hero was in development forever. Tim Burton went back and forth on the project, Michelle Pfeiffer went back and forth on the project, scripts were rewritten and retooled...
NC: Until it finally reached the perfection that only years and years of development can give us. Just look at the costume of our main character... (A quick picture of Halle Berry as Catwoman is shown, making NC shield his eyes) Oh, God, let's just get this over with!
(The title of the movie is shown, before clips of the movie play out)
NC (vo): This film not only tops a lot of "worst comic book films of all time" lists, but it also tops a lot of "worst films of all time, period" lists. And you can definitely see why: It is a special kind of "bad". The kind of bad that the main characters from The Producers would put together as an intentional flop to cash in on some sort of money scheme.
NC: Yeah...that bad!
NC (vo): I'd say let's review it, but really, this is more like a study. A study in asking the questions, how? Why? And...
NC: No, those are enough. Let's go ahead and (airquotes) "study" the epic failure that is Catwoman.
(The movie stars. A woman is floating face down in the water)
Patience Phillips (Halle Berry): (narrating) It all started on the day that I died.
NC (vo): We open with our main character deceased, obviously trying to symbolize the movie's ability of being dead on arrival.
Patience: (narrating) The day that I died was also the day I started to live.
(We are shown the main character, Patience, working at a corporation called Hedare Beauty, owned by George and Laurel Hedare, who are having a company meeting)
NC (vo): But we'll, of course, get back to that later, as we see the EVIL corporation our main character works for: makeup! But they're trying to hide that better as the husband and wife owners of the company, the wife played by Sharon Stone, are stepping down from being its spokespeople because...they just fucking look evil.
Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone): It has been a magnificent 15 years. But we have decided to choose a new face to represent beauty.
George Hedare (Lambert Wilson): Exactly.
(Laurel, George, and the people in the boardroom all laugh)
NC: Okay, quick word of advice to anyone joining a large corporation. If your bosses laugh like this... (NC does a couple evil laughs) Evil!
(Patience is shown being interviewed on her latest makeup design by George)
NC (vo): Or how about if your performance creates the unforgivable sin of making Rupert Everett look subtle.
George: (holding Patience's latest design) This isn't even close to what I wanted.
Patience: I know I can fix it.
George: I do not reward incompetence. I have no idea why I expected your art to show better taste than your wardrobe.
NC: (mimics George) You totally put me off my 'dick in caviar' party! (beat) I bet you didn't even know we threw those, did you?
NC (vo): But she's just too timid to fight back for herself as our main character named Patience...
NC: Yes, our kind, quiet innocent is named Patience. The same as naming these guys (Darth Vader) Meanie, (Batman) Brutie, or EVIL! (pictures of George and Laurel are shown again)
NC (vo): ...still manages to get to his pity as he allows her to turn in the project tomorrow by midnight. (Back at her apartment, Patience is struggling to sleep) But that's pretty tough, seeing how she can't even tell those hardcore parties with pink lightbulbs to keep their music down.
(Loud music plays from the apartment across from hers as she calls out)
Patience: (quietly) Excuse me, hi. Excuse me, could you just...maybe turn the music...down? Just...?
NC (vo; as Patience): You better pray this isn't creating contrast for later!
(The next day, Patience is outside her apartment window, trying to rescue a cat who is stuck on the building's roof)
NC (vo): It's also difficult when other people's pets like to impossibly place themselves in dangerous situations so that others would try to save them instead of doing something sensible like calling the fire department.
(Patience has stepped onto an air conditioner which gives way under her. From down below, a cop named Tom Lone appears and sees what's happening)
Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt): Hey, whoa! Easy! Whatever it is you're thinking, whatever it is you're feeling, it's not worth it, you understand? (he shows her his police badge) Now look, I'm a cop. Maybe I can help.
NC: (mimics Tom) I know! You read the reviews to The Call! I'd be depressed, too!
(Tom saves her in time just as the air conditioner finally breaks off)
NC (vo): So the cop saves her, but finds she's in a hurry to return to her everyday mundane job. (We are shown, in split-screen, a man leaning over the railing in the corporation in the same two scenes) So every day that this guy's in the exact same spot as before.
NC: Is the railing his desk?
(Tom comes to visit Patience at her work spot)
NC (vo): But the cop manages to find her and returns her wallet.
Tom: Tom Lone.
Sally (Alex Borstein; Patience's co-worker): Oh, that is such a good name. Tom Lone. Rhymes with cone, phone, bone. (Patience laughs) Not that rhyming's all that important. I'll just be in my cubicle. Lone.
NC (vo; as Sally): Just let me know, Halle, if you want me to be more awkward or not as attractive as you.
Tom: Is this yours? (he picks up Patience's art portfolio) It's nice.
Tom: Yeah, kinda reminds me of early Chagall. Elegant, but whimsical.
NC: (laughs at the words used) You know, not enough cops use the words "elegant" and "whimsical." I'd like to see it brought up in more police meetings.
(We're cut to a skit in a police office where Malcolm's a police chief)
Chief: All right, men, we're gonna take this drug lord down the old-fashioned way.
Offscreen voice: What's the old fashioned way?
Chief: Elegant and whimsical. (That makes the room go "aah") Peterson!
Peterson: Yes, sir!
Chief: I want you to especially be enchanted and pleasant.
Peterson: You got it, sir.
Chief: We're gonna break into this bastard's home, kick down his door, and introduce him to a world of wonder and merriment! (The crowd cheers) Now, (he picks up a pink feather boa and wraps it on himself) ready your boas.
(Cut back to the movie)
Tom: Tradition of the old Dutch masters.
Patience: I'm impressed.
Tom: Don't be. I noticed all the art in your apartment, so I googled it at the office.
NC: Aww, well, that's...alarmingly creepy.
Tom: I wanted to apologize to you about this morning, thinking that you were a jumper. I was hoping I can make it up to you by taking you for coffee.
NC (vo): So he...apologizes to her for saving her life... (NC thinks about it, then shakes his head)...and thus invites her out on a date to make up for it.
Sally: You have to wear that leather outfit I got you for your birthday. (Armando, Patience's and Sally's other co-worker, mouths Sally's next line) Remember?
Patience: I will never, ever...ever wear that outfit.
NC (vo; singsong): Oh, I hope this is creating more contrast! Because if it isn't, that line would be awkward and totally pointless, but if it is, oh, boy-ee!
(The rest of the day then fast-forwards to night where Patience is the last one in the office)
NC (vo): One obnoxious 90s edit later, we see that our messenger to drop off her design has cancelled. So she has to drop it off at Obvious Evil Headquarters herself.
(At the Hadare company boardroom, Dr. Ivan Slavicky and Laurel are talking with each other about a new skin cream Laurel has created called Beau-line. On the computer screen is a woman with a scarred face. Ivan is shown in several different shots that keep cutting constantly)
Dr. Ivan Slavicky (Peter Slingfield): I don't care that the FDA never saw the headaches and the nausea and the fainting spells.
NC: Okay, is it me, or is the editing in this movie out of control? When it has nothing to cut to, it will literally cut to itself!
NC (vo): I don't care how short your audience's attention span is, only cut when you have something to cut to!
NC: It's like a boxer who has nobody to fight, so he just...(gently punching himself)...hits himself.
(Patience accidentally discovers Laurel and Ivan's conversation, and they send their guards to catch her; Patience tries running in a sewer pipe, while one of the guards presses a button)
NC (vo): But she stumbles across the plan of Cruella Jane Lynch, whose new makeup line will start damaging the skin if it's not continually applied. She tries to escape through the sewers, but luckily, the henchman who doesn't work there knows the exact button to push in order to flush her out.
(A large gush of water blasts Patience out of the pipe and into the river. Her body is later shown washed up in a rocky spot that's filled with cats)
NC (vo): So she falls into the river...yet ends up on some rocks far away from the river...
NC: Did the water just grab her?
(The cats approach Patience's body)
NC (vo): ...where we see the...embarrassingly bad animation left over from Puss In Boots...comes in and quite literally breathes new life into her. I'm not even making that up. It literally breathes new life into her.
(The cat in question stands over Patience's body, breathing into her body. The camera zooms in on her eye where her pupils go from round to cat shaped)
NC (vo; as Patience): I suddenly have a need to incorporate horrible cat jokes into my life.
(The revived Patience spends the next day discovering she has cat-like abilities and behaviors)
NC (vo): Oh, and I'm not kidding. Everything she does the following day is related to some kind of bad cat humor. She sleeps on the shelf, lands on all fours, hisses at dogs, eats several cans of tuna, and, I shit you not, this is a real scene of what happens when someone gives her catnip.
(While visiting the house of a woman named Ophelia Powers, Patience is thrown a catnip ball and begins rubbing it on her face)
Ophelia Powers (Frances Conroy): Catnip.
(NC's quite weirded out by that scene)
NC: Movie...come on!
(The earlier scenes of Patience's new cat-like abilities are shown again)
NC (vo): This is a third grader's idea of what Catwoman should be, not paid writers and directors. No, I take it back. Third graders read comics, so even they would have a better understanding of what makes a better Catwoman than you! Julie Newmar would be telling you to calm down. Crazy cat ladies would be calling you crazy cat lady.
NC: Is this really, like, your best foot forward?
(The scene of a cat reviving Patience is shown again)
NC (vo): Years and years of rewrites and fine tuning and this is honestly what you've come up with?
NC: We haven't even gotten into the dumbass... (A quick shot of Patience as Catwoman is briefly shown) ...costume yet and already I'm embarrassed for you! I'm embarrassed to look at you! It's like that kid that joins the football team, even though he's like that big, (Holds his hand up to his chest) but you show your support anyway, (Claps his hands) but then it turns out you shouldn't have, because he's in the hospital with five fractured ribs, and he's like, "Why'd you support me? Why'd you show your support?" and it's like, "I don't know. I saw a movie where a woman sniffed catnip and it fucked me up!" (Sighs) I mean, really? Who would take being a Catwoman this ridiculously serious?
(Just to answer his question, we cut back to the Catwomen, led by Michelle, who are hatching a new plan)
Michelle: Catwomen unite! (The girls hiss) We will find this Nostalgia Critic, and force him to have us star in his review.
(The counselor is shown sitting behind the girls)
Counselor: You know, ladies, I really don't think this is helpful to that healing process.
(The camera pulls back to reveal he's tied to a chair)
Michelle: Oh, but we have such plans for you.
Sean: Yes. In a few moments, once we conveniently leave, that door will open (an exit door is shown as a growl is heard) to reveal a ferocious killer tiger.
Anne: Ripping you limb from limb, leaving only counselor bones.
Eartha: Thus concluding our death trap that ties into our villainous identities.
Anne: Come, ladies, we have a Critic to visit!
(The girls then head off, leaving the counselor tied in the chair, as the music from Batman: The Movie comes on)
Narrator: How will the counselor get out of this one? Will he be the main course for our ferocious feline?
(As the narrator speaks, the counselor just casually gets up from his chair and frees himself easily from the rope. He walks out of the building and outside toward his car. He gets in his car and drives across the street, eventually stopping at a McDonald's restaurant, where he causally eats a burger)
Narrator: Will he be ripped to shreds and left for tiger chow? Will his body be gnawed at until the gnawer can gnaw no more? Will he be next week's kitty litter? Will tiger digestion be his new iPod playlist? Will he have to spend the rest of his life as a kitty kebab? Can the counselor stand being part of a gr-r-r-r-reat balanced breakfast? Is there any escape from his delicious decadent doom? Tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-Time! Same Bat...Site!
(We then go to commercial. When we come back from commercial, we are shown Patience trying to remember her memories, before bringing out her phone to call Tom, who is sitting at a coffee place)
NC (vo): So, oddly enough, Patience has no memory of being drowned, which is never really explained. (We are shown the earlier scene of Patience rubbing her face on catnip) But after this scene, you could say she's a porcupine and I wouldn't question it. But she does remember that she forgot her date with her cop friend and leaves an apology coffee. Her life also seems to have a little more bite to it.
(That night, Patience again stares at the party across from her apartment. This time, she looks mad)
Patience: Hey! Shut that off!
Man: Get a life!
NC: I think someone's cooking up some contrast payoff!
(The caption "Contrast payoff!" flashes on the screen as we are shown Patience kicking in the door and breaking into the party house. She jumps on the table, sprays the DJ booth with seltzer, then pounces on the guy from before)
NC: Yeah! (chanting) THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! WHOOO!
(Patience dresses in a leather outfit and uses her new abilities to rob a jewelry store. But the next morning, she wakes up to see herself next to the jewels she stole, and becomes shocked. She then quickly returns the jewels to the store and gives them back in a bag called "Sorry" to Tom, who is investigating the robbery. Finally wanting to know what's going on with her, Patience pays a visit to Ophelia again)
NC (vo): But the contrast doesn't stop there. She gets on that leather outfit she said she would never put on and starts living up to her cat burglar name by stealing stuff. But it seems she now has a split personality, as in the morning, she does remember stealing them, and actually returns it with the word "sorry" written on it. She finally wants to know what the hell is going on, so she returns the cat named Midnight to its owner and ask, "What the hell is going on?".
Patience: You wrote this?
Ophelia: I was a professor for 20 years. (Looks over a picture of an Egyptian cat statue) The goddess, Bast. The Maus are sacred to Bast. They're her messengers.
NC (vo): Oh, and here's a fun game. Bet yourself $10 that you can listen to this explanation of who she is without cracking a smile.
(Patience is shown a variety of Catwomen over vast periods of time and history)
Ophelia: You follow your own desires. This is both a blessing and a curse. You are a Catwoman. Incredibly heightened.
Patience: So I'm not Patience anymore?
Ophelia: You are Patience...and you are Catwoman.
NC: You just lost $10, didn't you?
NC (vo): So as she shows all the Photoshopped pictures of history, she says that she has been given a gift that's been passed on through the ages, and that she has tried to prove this theory as a professor in the past, but nobody has ever believed her. Why?
Ophelia: Male academia. Hm!
NC: (smile frozen) I'm sorry, what was the reasoning again?
Ophelia: Male academia. Hm!
(NC's smile freezes again, before he speaks again, trying to make sense of this)
NC: Okay. Look, lady. Um, I'm not gonna act like there isn't some double standard bullshit going on in the world. Uh, women getting paid less than men, that's bullshit. Uh, men sleeping around with women being called a player, but a woman sleeps around with men, she's called a slut, that's bullshit. But when you go around with your..."theories"...that there are, in fact, "Catwomen", who exist today and have existed years in the past, because the spirits of the Egyptian gods are in these little, tiny felines going around, who breathe on dead women, bringing them back to life, a sort of "Catwoman zombie", if you will, who now exist and fight crime even to this day...why do you think nobody believed you again?
Ophelia: Male academia.
NC: (angry; making a buzzer sound) Wrong! It's 'cause you're FUCKING CRAZY! (He slams the desk to make a "FUCKING CRAZY!" sign come up, making a cash register ding as it does)
NC (vo): "Male academia"? Suck my sexist, women-bashing, chauvinistic, stripper-watching, porn-loving, overly-paid dick!
NC: If this movie's all "women are power," how come in the next scene, she's dressed like...
(Patience is now in her Catwoman outfit, prowling the city rooftops)
NC (vo): ...a poster a 13-year old boy would hang over his bed and jerk off to?! Yeah. Look at that thing! It looks even dumber close up, doesn't it? I can't tell you how it looks on her far away, 'cause I never see it on her far away. Instead, they place it on her CGI puppet, which makes me keep checking the TV to make sure I haven't put on a rerun of fucking ReBoot!
NC: Someone needs to show these idiots how Catwoman is really done! (Suddenly, the phone rings and he picks it up) Hello?
Michelle: Hello, Critic. We're just giving you a fair warning that you better watch your back and keep an eye out around every corner, because a fearsome band of sharp-toothed panthers are on the prowl.
(NC puts the phone down)
NC: 'Kay. Guess I'm not gonna throw any caution to the wind here. (Then the doorbell rings) Who could that be?
(He gets up to open the door and sees the Catwomen outside)
Anne: He opened it! I can't believe he just opened it!
(And NC gets a fist in the face by Michelle, knocking him down as they come in)
Michelle: Cat's out of the bag, Critic.
Sean: We need a role we can sink our teeth into.
Anne: And you have the purrrfect part.
Eartha: Cat-related pun!
NC: What the hell's going on here? What do you want?
Sean: We're here to star in your Catwoman review.
Michelle: So we can show up that cow horse, Halle Berry.
NC: (getting up) Forget it! You're not stealing this review from me!
Anne: Very well, you've forced us to take action.
Eartha: Get ready to be declawed.
(The group moves on in him, but then nearly fall over on their heels due to the carpet. The group eventually fall over)
NC: A-ha! You've fallen for the Catwoman's greatest weakness: fetish fuel!
(The group gets up, aiming their heels at NC)
Anne: Come on, ladies. Let's finally put these things to some good use.
NC: Oh, come on, what are you honestly gonna do with those pointless things?
(Suddenly, they cock the heels like guns, shutting NC up. They shoot at NC, who screams and runs down to the basement. The girls head to the kitchen)
Sean: After him!
(Now they have another problem: running barefoot on a wooden floor. NC runs into the basement)
NC: Okay, I know it's in here somewhere. (He then begins rummaging through a box, moving away a VHS copy of Babes in Toyland, a CD of The Music of TGWTG.com, and a Beetlejuice lunchbox) Soundtrack, movie, lunchbox- fuck is that doing here? (Discovers he has a Sex and the City trivia game before getting to his prize) Ah, here we go! (He pulls out a manual called "How to Train Your Catwoman" by Michael Gough. He soon hears the Catwomen coming down. They see him and hiss as he reads a page) "Try playing to the Catwoman's duality, it often wins them critical praise." Hey! (The group stops running) You seem very...two people-ish!
Michelle: Are you kidding? I am so psychologically tortured.
Anne: What do you mean? I'm the one who's constantly switching sides.
Sean: Hey, I am extremely complex.
Eartha: Oh, please, you never even got a chance to be in the role.
Michelle: My dreams were crushed in the first third of screen time.
Anne: Oh, yeah? Well, can you sing about your dreams like this? (Music comes on as she steps off to the side, taking her mask off and singing) I dreamed a dream in time gone by-
(She suddenly gets punched out as the Catwomen have a cat fight! This allows NC to slip out in the confusion to the basement living room, locking the door behind him. He goes to sit on the chair)
NC: While that cat fight's going on outside, let's see the real catastrophe that's going on here.
(Catwoman is shown visiting a night club)
NC (vo): We see Catwoman goes inside a club, thinking she can find the answers of who tried to kill her.
Bartender: What can I do for you?
Catwoman: White Russian. No ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua. (In short, just plain milk and cream)
NC: ...I'M A CAT!!!!
NC (vo): She locates one of the thugs that tried to kill her that night and tries to get some info out of him.
(Catwoman's got the man pinned down)
Catwoman: The other night, you killed somebody. She was a nice girl. Why?
(Before he speaks, she grabs his tongue)
NC: Oh, wait, gee, let me try to guess what the next line is. Um, pfft, "dog ate your biscuit?"
Catwoman: Cat got your tongue?
NC: Oh, yeah, yeah! That seemed much more logical.
(Following the man's information, Catwoman visits Hedare Beauty headquarters. The film immediately cuts to the next day, showing Patience coming into a room to talk about something)
NC (vo): So he tells her about the secret headquarters. She goes there...and then leaves.
(At the police station, Tom is looking at the bag which has "Sorry" written on it, as well as the coffee cup with "Sorry" written on it, both in Patience's handwriting)
NC (vo): But wait a second. Our cop friend might be on the lead about who stole and returned those jewels from the other night.
(Tom is shown speaking with a handwriting tech expert about the handwriting on the bag and the cup)
Tech: There are similarities. Shape of the S, arch-stroke of the Rs...
NC (vo; flabbergasted): What the...? Are you fucking kidding me!?
NC: You took it to a handwriting expert? A handwriting...LOOK AT THEM!!
(The handwriting on both items is shown to look exactly the same)
NC (vo): Ray Charles with a fucking blindfold on could tell it was the same person!
(Patience and Tom are shown hanging out in the carnival, where Patience uses her abilities to save a kid from a collapsing Ferris wheel)
NC (vo): But, hey, don't let this get in the way of your date, where a carousel breaks and she uses all her flips and kicks to save a little kid from falling. But wait a minute. Could this and the handwriting point to her possibly being the culprit?
Tom: (to Patience) Well, I'm not sure how you did it, but...I'm impressed.
NC: (shrugs in bewilderment) Guess not!
(That night, Catwoman is shown confronting George at a circus performance, before being pursued by Tom, who doesn't recognize or learn her identity throughout their encounter)
NC (vo): No, clearly he needs to see her do it, like this encounter at Circus de Seussical, where she's trying to get more answers, when our cop friend comes across the Catwoman, who's the same height, same skin color, and exact same voice, and yet, really fucking miraculously, he still can't tell who it is!
(Tom tries to pull Catwoman's mask off, but she stops him, sparing him and escaping)
NC (vo): Yeah, look at him try to take off that mask! Oh, you'll figure it out someday! Oh, too late! She got away!
NC: Oh, well, better luck next time! I'm off on a date with my...
(Tom and Patience are shown having a dinner date)
NC (vo): ...cat-like girlfriend. It's good to get away from that criminal I'm chasing and being hooked up with a completely different person, who...hates the rain like a cat, eats sushi like a cat, she even makes purring sounds while having sex with you, because...
NC: (almost breaking down) ...guess what, you fucking moron? She's a goddamn ca-a-a-at! (Clutches his head and groans) Can you just promise me that there's a...little blonde-haired niece... (We are shown a clip of Penny from Inspector Gadget) ...going around actually solving the crime for him? It wouldn't be any more far-fetched than the rest of this movie, and...by God, I just have to have some hope in humanity. (Suddenly. the door's banged on) Oh, fuckbunnies!
(The Catwomen are ramming against the door, using Eartha as a ram)
Eartha: Harder, ladies! ("BAM!") Put your kitty pride into it! ("BAM!")
Sean: Wait, I have a better idea. I'll be right back.
(The door bursts open and they cheer before stepping in, but they don't see NC)
Anne: Where'd he go? Wh-where'd he go? (Turns out, NC was in the closet, sneaking past them while their backs are turned. As soon as he leaves, they see him) Hey!
(NC runs upstairs and goes outside the house, but stops as the Catwomen get to him to see what he's looking at: A sandworm bursting out of the ground! Ridden by Sean!)
Sean: I am the Kwisatz Haderach Give-A-Dog-A-Bone!
(Of course, the sandworm goes right back into the ground along with her!)
Anne: Huh. That was weird. And now to--
(She sees that NC disappeared in the confusion. Now he's in the living room, looking over the book)
NC: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! (Reads something) "Catwomen can never resist a romantic dance sequence!" (The Catwomen find him) Um...
(He then holds out his hand as if to ask "shall we dance?" The girls are taken by it, and the next scene, the Catwomen are all sleeping peacefully on him as NC slowly dances left and right, looking bored)
(As NC speaks, we are shown the following footage. Laurel reveals to Catwoman her schemes to release Beau-line to the world in spite of it having its deadly side effects, having killed George and Ivan in the process, and has framed Catwoman for the murders. Catwoman is then taken into custody by Tom, having figured out her identity as Patience, having compared her lipstick mark on both his cheek and a glass)
NC (vo): Sharon Stone's evil plan is revealed...which is the exact same evil plan in the first 10 minutes. Nothing's changed, yet we spent an hour and a half trying to reveal it...and she frames Catwoman for the murder of her husband. But Inspector Clouseau FINALLY figures out it was her the whole time. How? Well, through his brilliant deductive reasoning and hi-tech CSI gadgetry, they took the lipstick mark that was left on his cheek during the fight sequence, and compared it with the lipstick mark she left on a glass when they were dating, and the DNA and pattern decoder matched them up perfectly, thus deducing that they are, in fact, the same person. (Beat) Wow! You made that so much more complicated than it needed to be! Hey, genius, don't tell anyone, but I have a sneaking suspicion that... (A picture of McDonald's characters, Grimace, Birdie and Hamburglar, are shown) ...one of these guys is stealing burgers. I haven't figured out which, but, shh, shh, we'll find the culprit.
(While in prison, Patience manages to escape her cell by slipping through the bars)
NC (vo): So even though she's thrown in jail, she slips through the bars...
(NC can't believe how stupid that is)
NC: Can one of you remind me to hit something later?
(Catwoman confronts Laurel, who was about to kill Tom, having also found out Patience was innocent and Laurel is the true murderer. Catwoman and Laurel then have their final showdown throughout the building)
NC (vo): ...and makes her way to Sharon Stone's hideout, where she tries to stop her evil makeup from taking over the world. And you know, saying that out loud makes me realize just how fucking sexist this "empowering women" movie sounds.
Ophelia: (from an earlier scene) Male academia. Hm!
NC (vo): But get this. Because she's used the makeup for so long, it makes her skin indestructible.
Laurel: I can't be hurt.
Laurel: You stop using it and your face disintegrates! (Hits Catwoman with a pipe) And if you keep using it, skin like living marble.
NC (vo): So, wait, she's created this makeup where the more you use it, the more powerful you become? And all you had to do is keep using it to make you stronger? I'm sorry, what's the downside to this? "Oh, people will rot if you stop using it." Well, okay, keep fucking using it. Where's the problem? Why are you marketing this in cosmetics? You should be marketing this to the military.
Ophelia: (from an earlier scene) Male academia.
(Catwoman eventually gains the upper hand in the fight and scratches Laurel's face, proving it's not indestructible and exposing her skin's rapid disintegration)
NC (vo): Oh, I guess the problem is, she's a fucking liar. The makeup is clearly not indestructible as it apparently starts coming off.
(Catwoman tries to save Laurel from the ledge she was kicked onto, but Laurel loses her grip and falls to her death, landing on the Hedare logo in the front hall)
NC (vo): Oh, and apparently, indestructible also doesn't include falling off a building. Yeah, that's apparently its kryptonite, too. Kind of false advertising, but whatever.
(Tom is reading a newspaper with the front story being about Catwoman toppling the Hedare empire and saving dozens of lives from the Beau-line makeup)
NC (vo): Catwoman's proven innocent, but find she can't stay with her boyfriend because...(A clip of Peter Parker walking away from MJ at the funeral from Spider-Man is shown) ...last-ten-minutes-of-Spider-Man explanation...and I cry for anyone who didn't get an immediate refund before the credits started rolling.
(Catwoman is shown walking off into the night, having decided to end things peacefully with Tom and continue living outside the law and enjoying her newfound freedom. The movie ends. The Catwomen are shown continuing to dance)
Eartha: Mmm, you dance so well.
Michelle: Yes, and since I'm so complex, it feels like I'm dancing with more than one person.
(The camera pulls back to reveal the Catwomen are dancing by themselves; NC managed to slip out from the dance)
Anne: Actually, it feels like a little less than before. (The girls realize he's gone) Hey!
(NC is running down the hall when Sean comes out from under the floor, covered in dirt, making him retreat into his office, holding the door shut behind him)
NC: When will they realize I don't want four beautiful women in skintight catsuits interrupting my review?! (He then realizes just what the hell he said) The fuck am I doing? (He then opens the door) Hi! You know I'm not sure if you're aware of the Internet's policy on boobs. You see, just the mere appearance of them, even if they're covered up, guarantees a viewcount of double D proportions.
Eartha: We will be more than happy to continue exploiting our boobage, once you give us an opinion of that godawful Halle Berry.
NC: Oh, what, her performance? Well, that's easy enough. I think she's fine.
Catwomen: (stunned) What?!
(Footage of Patience/Catwoman is shown)
NC (vo): I mean, it's by no means good, but let's face it. There's nothing any actress could bring to it to make it work. I mean, when the script calls for you to rub catnip on your face, how well can you seriously portray that? It's over-the-top and goofy, but I think that just adds to the insanity that the film has already gotten across.
NC: So in all fairness, I see no reason to ball her out for it. Wouldn't you agree? (The girls, angered at his opinion, cock their heels at him) Is my male academia showing?
Michelle: Prepare to be neutered by bullets, Catblocker. (They cock their heels again)
NC: All right, stop it, all of you! I mean, haven't you ever put together that maybe not being in this movie is the best thing that could ever happen to you?
(Clips of the movie play as he gives his last summary)
NC (vo): I mean, this film is beyond bad. Like, headscratchingly "How on Earth could anybody take any sentence in this seriously?" bad. It's a marvel. It can barely be put into words. Nothing in any realm of reality could save it from the bad writing and directing that consumed every frame of this picture. Yeah, it is that bad.
NC: And you want to be a part of that? (The girls then realize their mistake) You don't even know what you're suffering from, do you? You are suffering from (graphic on the left) Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome. (They get it now) That's right. You all have C.R.A.H.B.S.
(The girls gasp)
Anne: So that explains that itching feeling inside.
NC: It's alright. A lot of women who have gone through what you've gone through have it, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. All you have to do is find a way to live with it, and continue to bring joy to people.
Sean: But how can four attractive women dressed like this bring joy to people?
NC: On the Internet, there's definitely a way.
(He nods at the girls. The next scene has them watching Sean on her back clawing at some string)
Sean: I am so fluffy! That's so cute!
NC: Yep. The only thing that bizarrely gets more more views than porn is cat videos.
Anne: Eartha, you are so cute!
(They're watching a video of Eartha being tickled, then raising her arms up in surprise. Next video is of Anne trying to stay awake)
Sean: Hathaway, you're adorable!
(Next video is of Michelle pawing at the camera before a scary face and loud scream are added onto her face, scaring them)
(Sean and Eartha high-five each other)
NC: Well, my work here is done. (He heads to the living room, feeling accomplished, until the front door opens to reveal Halle Berry (Orlando Belisle, Jr.) standing there, looking angry) Halle Berry?
Halle: I hear somebody didn't like my movie.
(NC takes out the book to consult it)
NC: "If you should come across Halle Berry, you are doomed, for she clearly has no idea what makes a real Catwoman." (He then screams like a girl as Halle closes in on him. Sounds of fighting and him screaming are heard while the girls are focused on their videos, paying no attention to NC being beaten up) Halle Berry is crazy!
Michelle: We're beyond that, Critic.
NC: She's tearing me apart!
Anne: You're projecting!
Eartha: Someone's got a bad case of the C.R.A.H.B.S.
Anne: You are so fluffy!
(Now we come to the credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Ophelia: Male academia.
(We get one last scene, introduced with the caption "Dedicated to all those suffering from C.R.A.H.B.S." We're back in the support center as the girls get up)
Anne: I'm Anne Hathaway, and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.
Sean: I'm Sean Young, and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.
Eartha: I'm Eartha Kitt, and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.
Michelle: I'm Michelle Pfeiffer, and I have C.R.A.H.B.S.
(Joining them today is Chester A. Bum)
Chester: I'm Chester A. Bum, and I have crabs.
Anne: Really? You have Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome?
Chester: Oh, God, am I in the wrong place!
(He then leaves for his proper meeting)