March 8, 2016
(NC 2016 opening)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Hey, kids! You like cat videos? (Kids are heard cheering) You like dog videos? (Kids cheer again) You wanna see a movie about them? (Audience boos) Well, too bad, that's what we got! (Takes out a Cats & Dogs DVD and shows it right to the camera) EAT IT! EAT IT!!!
(The title of the movie is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): Ever see that movie that looks really stupid, but then are shocked when it turns out to be a surprisingly good film? Well, this is one of those bad-looking films you'd think might be a surprisingly good film, resulting in a surprisingly bad film. The idea for this is right out of a Warner Bros. cartoon, it can be pretty funny and imaginative. But instead, you're left wondering which category to put it in: (pictures of) "Kitty Litter" or "Pooper Scooper".
NC: So, let's find out the truth about cats and dogs... (He stops for a moment, before yelling) One of you must be a Janeane Garofalo rom-com fan! (The poster for The Truth About Cats & Dogs is shown) TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE! (Speaks normally) This is Cats & Dogs.
NC (vo): It opens with the world's fastest sunrise, where we see a cat and dog pretty much just being a cat and dog.
(The dog chases the cat up a tree, crashing into the trunk, then starts pushing against the tree, making it swing back and forth with CGI)
NC: Until it turns into a really bad Doritos commercial.
(The dog jumps up and grabs the tree's top branch, bringing the cat further down to the ground)
NC: Until they realized, "No."
(Cut to a woman at a house making a pie)
NC (vo): We cut to a woman setting a pie on the window sill in her 50's style dress with a bow in her apron...
NC: Because somebody somewhere thinks somebody somewhere still does that.
NC (vo): ...when the cat and dog land on her. (The cat lands on the woman first, with the woman making a shocked face with a gasp before the impact) Now, her reaction to the cat landing on her is fine, but look at her face when the dog lands on her.
(As soon as the woman gets up, the dog comes in and lands on her, with the woman making a blank, shocked face before the impact)
NC (vo; laughs): What the hell kind of face is that?
NC: Comedic expressions are supposed to get bigger as more stuff happens, not scale down. How do you even duplicate that face?
(Comedic music plays as NC attempts to duplicate the woman's reaction. It goes on for a bit, before NC gives up)
NC: What direction do you give to get a face like that?! (As the director) All right, I want you to act like you just discovered you lost your first-born child, but you found out while shoving the world's greatest vibrator in you. (The woman's expression is shown again, with a vibrator sound effect) Specific, but...confusing.
(As the woman lands on the ground after the dog lands on her, her pie lands on her face)
NC (vo): After presumably suffering third-degree burns, the dog comes across what he thinks is the ran-over cat.
(The dog approaches the seemingly dead cat lying on the road. Cut to a clip from Army of Darkness)
Ash: It's a trick. Get an axe.
(A van suddenly appears, with the license plate "CATZRUUL", and captures the dog)
NC (vo): But a van of cats comes by to abduct him, and if you're thinking to yourself, "Okay, that was a tolerable short film", I'm sad to say that a movie comes with it.
(Cut to a dog named Butch looking at a large computer in his doghouse)
Collie: Control here.
Butch: We've got a serious problem.
(Cut to a dog getting a newspaper showing a picture of the dog, with the word "catnapped")
NC: Uh, shouldn't that be "dognapped"? If you're kidnapped, you're not held hostage by a kid. (Beat) Unless it's this kid. (An image of a toddler holding a shotgun is shown) But I'm never taking that babysitting job again.
NC (vo): We then cut to a farm, where a new litter of puppies are waiting in a barn. Just guess which one of them is the dreamer. And when I say "dreamer", I'm using the movie definition meaning, "Never happy wherever the hell you are".
Lou: (various scenes) I want adventure, not wait for someone to take me to some boring, old house. / Don't you want to do something exciting? Like be a police dog! / What about one of those Russian space dogs, or maybe sample the Great Bones of Europe?
NC: (As Lou) You know, as dogs, we're not so easily entertained. Why can't I yearn for never being satisfied?!
NC (vo): That's Tobey Maguire, by the way, as Lou, the main character. And as much as I love to imagine Maguire in pain, I have to admit, it's not much fun watching a dog get seriously injured.
(Lou's attempt to break out of the barn ends with him smacking into a wall and falling down into a pile of hay)
NC (vo): I know it's effects and everything, but how much fun is it really to constantly see cute little doggies get pummeled into hard, solid walls? Isn't that, like, what sick kids watch?
(Cut to a sketch showing the tantrum-throwing girl from the Labyrinth review, again played by Tamara, and her brother, played by Malcolm, watching a video on a laptop. Malcolm is enjoying this, but Tamara is not)
Tamara: Is that a dog's head being smashed into a wall?
Tamara: Is that another dog falling through a window?
Tamara: Is that a...
Tamara: ...from his...
Tamara: What is wrong with you?!
Malcolm: It's okay. It's funny, because it has cartoon sound effects.
Tamara: I'm telling Mom and Dad that you're watching this!
(Druggo Mom suddenly comes in, holding the DVD cover of the movie)
DM: All right, kids, time to watch Cats & Dogs.
(Creepy Dad walks in and sits down on the couch next to Malcolm and Tamara)
CD: It's rated PG, so we just have to tell you not to say the one swear word that they use in the movie.
(DM puts on the movie. We hear sounds of dogs growling and punching blows. CD and Malcolm are enjoying this, but Tamara is not. She tries to turn away, but CD forces Tamara to keep watching by turning her head back to the TV)
DM: It's funny because it has cartoon sound effects.
CD: By the way, honey, what's for dinner?
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): So the puppies are being sold off, but it looks like they're replaced by other dogs from a secret organization.
Doberman Drill Sergeant: (To the puppies) Top-secret operation! Into the hole! Double time, into the hole!
NC (vo): Oh, by the way, you never see those puppies again. They vanish from the rest of the movie. What are we supposed to assume they did with them?
(Cut to a Photoshopped skit of the Doberman Sergeant ordering the puppies to a secret room)
Doberman Drill Sergeant (voiced by NC): All right, puppies, into the room! Into the room! (The room is shown to have the sign "Taco Bell Breakfast Ingredients". The room's door closes) Good work.
NC (vo): So one of the replacement dogs is supposed to be adopted, but Lou is left behind and gets picked up instead.
Agent Dogs: NOT GOOD!
NC (vo; chuckles): Yes, that one on the left (An arrow points to a dog in the left bowing his head down) looked particularly disappointed.
NC: It looks like he's distracted by something on the ground, but he's just so destroyed by what's going on right now, he can't even keep his head up. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if...
NC (vo): ...EVERY dog in this movie has that exact same reaction! Just constantly looking all over the place as if they're always distracted.
NC: But it's not. It's the pain of this one scene that's ripping everybody up inside! (Beat) I know, I read the script. It's in crayon.
(The movie's script, which is badly written in crayon, is shown, reading: "Cats & Dogs: Written by Grown Ups (Written as Cats + Dogs: Written dy Gwown Ups))
NC (vo): The irony is, as poorly as the animals are trained in this movie, some of the actors are trained even worse. Take this kid, for example. He's as invested as a wooden board who just found out he's a wooden board.
(Cut to a scene where the mother introduces Lou to her son, Scott, who doesn't seem impressed with Lou)
Scott: Okay. How about "Loser"?
NC (vo): But what can you expect when you're the son of Jeff, uh, Gold, uh, Blum, uh?
(The father, Professor Brody, played by Goldblum, looks at Lou)
Professor Brody: Proboscis viscosity. (Licks Lou's nose) Immune response. (Sniffs Lou)
NC (vo; as the director): Uh, Jeff, we haven't started recording yet.
Rob Walker (vo; as Jeff Goldblum): I know.
(After sniffing Lou, Brody sneezes)
NC (vo): He plays a scientist who's trying to find a cure for dog allergies. (We see the door for Brody's laboratory) Though, by his cartoony door, you'd swear he was trying to figure out how to blow up anyone who came towards Scrooge McDuck's Money Bin.
NC (vo): Lou is approached by a secret agent dog named Butch, played by Alec Baldwin.
Butch: Humans can get a little emotional. You'll get used to it.
NC: Ideal casting having Alec Baldwin play a bitch. (Suddenly, a whistle is heard blowing and a yellow flag is thrown at NC, while a crowd yells in anger) Oh, come on! Come on!
(A referee, played by Malcolm, comes in)
Referee: Flag. Doing a review, too easy a joke. Replay last line. Critic has to say something nice about the movie.
(The referee leaves, leaving NC angrily thinking about what to do next. A soccer scoreboard is shown on the bottom, as two commentators are heard)
Commentator #1 (voiced by Rob): Man, this is a real tough break for the Critic.
Commentator #2 (voiced by Malcolm): Uh, I hear you, Frank. But if you look at the replay, he clearly took too obvious a stab at an easily unlikeable actor.
Frank: Right you are, Ken.
Ken: Oh, it looks like he's going to try and say something positive about the film.
NC: ...At least it's not Santa Paws?
(The referee returns and holds his arms up, signaling acceptance)
Frank: And it is good! It works! The review can continue!
(Just like they said, the movie continues)
NC (vo): Butch fills in what he thinks is a cadet about the catnapped...that still makes no sense to me...agent.
(An image of the "catnapped" dog is shown)
Butch: This was your predecessor, Agent 1364, AKA Buddy.
NC (As Butch): We nicknamed him "Testicle Chin". Try to guess why.
(Lou and Butch are then shown meeting other members of the team)
Butch: Sam, what's your 20?
(Sam, a sheepdog voiced by Michael Clarke Duncan, is shown doing a delta approach by doing several fast rollovers across the road)
NC (vo: as Butch): That's Sam. He fast-fowards the film. (Various scenes are shown) In fact, all of us seem to do that a little too much in this movie, but...
NC: ...I have no excuse out of that. It's just sloppy.
Sam: Request permission to pant heavily, sir.
(Sam pants heavily, creeping NC out)
NC: I hope that was just panting. (Sam pants heavily) Don't play that again. (Sam pants heavily) I don't need to think about him touching his Kibble and Bits. (Sam pants heavily) All right, screw it, I'm just gonna close my eyes and think of more pleasant things.
(He closes his eyes, thinking of something. An image of Catherine Zeta-Jones is shown)
NC (vo): Ah...that's much... (Suddenly, Jones' face gets pasted onto a still-panting heavily Sam, scaring NC) Aah!
NC: Great! You forced me to combine the two! (Sam, with Jones' face still pasted on, pants heavily) Actually, I might've started a brand new fetish.
NC (vo): But Lou reveals he's not an agent, and Butch tells Fox McCloud his disappointment.
Butch: You promised me a professional! And what do I get? A puppy.
Collie: There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion.
NC: And if you can tell Slippy to save his own warded ass every once in a while, that'd be super.
(We see the film's villain, a Persian cat named Mr. Tinkles, in several scenes)
NC (vo): We then cut to our main villain of the film, Mr. Tinkles, voiced by Sean Hayes. This is the best character in the movie. Not because he's written the best or performed the best, but because most of the time, he's completely animated, allowing more control over the character.
Mr. Tinkles: (various scenes) So if you'll open the World Domination pamphlets to page 3, I'll show you. / I want you to stay here.
Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you.
NC (vo): With all the others, it's clear they're just waving treats in front of them, so they always look unfocused, and it's distracting as hell. But this character looks like he's always in the moment because he's animated that way.
Mr. Tinkles: At what point did you forget that WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?!! (Thunder is heard)
NC: In fact, why wasn't this an animated film?
NC (vo): With all the CG used in this, it actually would've been a pretty good CGI film, with fewer limitations. Instead, we just have uninvested animals looking like uninvested animals, just with little talking mouths put over them.
NC: Why would anybody watch anything with a character they know wasn't really in the moment?
Druggo Mom: (holding a video camera) Hey, Nostalgia Critic.
NC: Huh? Who are you?
DM: Look left. (NC does so) Look right. (NC does so) Look up. (NC does so)
NC: This confuses me.
(DM stops recording)
DM: Thank you.
NC: Wait. Why'd you have me do that?
DM: No reason. (walks away)
NC: (confused by what just happened) Okay.
NC (vo): So the dogs tell Lou the backstory of their war between the cats.
(The backstory is explained through images of Ancient Egypt)
Butch: He [Shen-Akh-Akumon] forced them to build pyramids, monuments. The dogs, being man's best friend, rose up.
NC (vo): You know, do we really need a reason for cats and dogs to hate each other? We kind of just get it. Everybody knows what'll happen if that wasn't the case.
(Cut to a clip from Ghostbusters)
Peter Venkman: Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
(Back to the movie)
Lou: And the people just forgot?
Peek: Well, you have to remember, they're a very primitive species. Heck, they can't even take responsibility for their own farts.
(A fart is heard, and it's from Sam, who chuckles)
NC (vo): Well, I'll give him this. For a film of this stature, that was a long time to wait for their inevitable fart joke. What is that, like, 20 minutes?
NC: In fart joke years, that's like an eternity.
NC (vo): So Goldblum once again tests out his allergy cure.
(The test fails, with Brody's hand getting covered with boils)
Rob (vo; as Goldblum): Oh, no. It's, uh, turning me into the Fly. Help me. Help me.
NC (vo): Even though it's not finished yet, two ninja cats try to sneak in to get the formula.
(The Ninja Cats fight against Lou, with random cartoon sound effects being heard)
NC (vo): You know...I don't know if this movie understands when to use its cartoon sound effects, particularly the "ayiyiyiyiyiyi".
(The "ayiyiyiyiyi" trombone gobble sound effect is heard in several bits of the movie)
NC (vo): Random cartoon sounds don't suddenly equal comic gold. They need to match the mood and pacing.
NC: For example, (brings out a plush ALF toy) this works.
ALF (voiced by Doug): Oh, hey, there, buddy...
(NC smashes the screaming ALF on the table a couple times, with bashing sound effects being heard)
NC: This doesn't. (Continues smashing ALF, with random sound effects being heard and ALF making mildly groans) Go back to Acme Looniversity (an image of Acme Looniversity from Tiny Toon Adventures pops up) until you pass your exams!
ALF: All I did was give you dated 80s comedy.
(NC throws ALF away. Back to the movie, where one Ninja Cat leaps in to attack Lou, via the Bullet Time slow-motion effect)
NC (vo): Little known fact: This was the first film to actually parody The Matrix.
NC: Oh, wait, no, it wasn't. It was the 157,000th. But it still feels really fresh, right?
Ninja Cat #1: Ling Chow this! (Kicks Lou into a kitchen bin) Clean up on aisle 7. (Brief cut to an early bit in the fight) Sorry!
NC (vo; imitating the Ninjas, singing): We are racist-ese, if you prease!
(The Ninjas are shown retreating by flying towards the moon)
NC (vo): The cats escape, but Butch explains the seriousness of the situation.
Lou: Did you see when I had them going? With a right and a left and a right and a left...
Butch: And then you got cocky. You think this is a game? You think this is fun? This isn't about code names, little boys or making friends.
NC (as Butch): You think these are goofy times or wacky antics? This is Cats & Dogs! We only use our "ayiyiyi" sound effect as a last resort!
NC (vo; still as Butch): I know it may look like we're excitable animals with a bit of string being waved over us...
NC: ...but this is deadly serious!
Druggo Mom: Hey, Nostalgia Critic!
(NC turns to see DM, recording him again with her camera. She starts waving a string)
NC: Why are you doing that? (starts moving his hands around) By God, I just want to bat at it. W-why why, what is the purpose of this? I do not understand.
DM: (closes camera) It's all I need.
(DM walks away)
NC: (confused by what just happened) Who are you?!
(We go to сommercial break. After that, we go back to the movie)
NC (vo): So Lou comes across a dog named Ivy, played by Susan Sarandon, who seems familiar with their undercover operation.
Ivy: Glad I'm not the only one excited about the chicken.
Lou: I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave! My orders are clear: I am not to....
Ivy: Orders?! (Climbs down the bin to stand in front of Lou; her front legs showing in front of the camera)
NC: (As Ivy) My weird, floating chicken alien legs question that.
(Ivy gives Lou a belly scratch)
Ivy: Ooh, tough guy. Stop with the agent stuff.
NC (vo): Okay, the almost perverted imagery in this film is almost making me uncomfortable.
(The clip of Sam panting heavily is shown again)
NC: Okay, now it's making me uncomfortable!
(The two bits of Sam panting heavily and Ivy scratching Lou on the belly are both shown)
NC (vo): I don't like this R-rated cut for The Secret Life of Pets!
Lou: Could you do that again?
NC (vo): But it looks like the boy isn't getting enough time with his busy father...because we're 40 minutes in. I guess we can start using that cliche.
(The mother confronts Brody, who comes out of his room wearing a lab mask)
NC (vo; creeped out): Yeah, he's building a bomb. Dog allergies, my ass. You're gonna see his name at an ISIS auction very soon, I can assure you.
NC: And if you go to ISIS auctions, can you give me your name? I just wanna make a few calls. (Brings out his cell phone and starts typing numbers)
NC (vo): But that's okay, because Lou keeps him company and... (Scott is shown sitting down, covered with a soccer net) How the bitch did you get caught in a soccer net?!
NC: No, seriously. That's not just stupid, that's baby-proof the Stairs Moronic!
(Scott gets the net off himself to look at Lou)
NC (vo; as Scott): You'll replace my father now. (normal) But Butch doesn't like everyone getting sentimental with Lou, and tells them to back off.
Butch: (Speaking to Ivy) You're barking up the wrong tree. I'm gonna say this nice, just once. (The camera focuses on Butch's eyes in close-up) Stay away...from the kid.
(A close-up of Ivy's eyes is shown)
NC: Wow. Not since I put two dot eyes on a stick figure I drew in first grade have I seen such...
NC (vo): ...dead, emotionless eyes staring back at me. This is one of the few times there's no music in the movie either. Every other second, there's an annoying "do-ti-do-ti-do-ti-do-ti". But here, this close-up is so intense, they actually leave the music off, like they know the drama of this scene.
NC: You will believe a dog can have no idea what he's supposed to be looking at.
NC (vo): Sorry, a close-up of eyes doesn't automatically equal high drama.
Druggo Mom: Hey, Nostalgia Critic.
(NC turns and sees the mom sitting down, filming him again. The scene cuts back and forth between NC and DM as the camera gets closer to their faces each time and a dramatic sound plays during each cut)
DM: (closes the camera) Thank you.
(NC stops DM as she gets up to leave)
NC: Wait. What are you doing?
DM: That which you cannot comprehend.
(She walks away)
NC: Wait a minute. You tried to make it sound like something! That was nothing!
DM: (off-screen) Make America great again!
NC: (beat) Who are you?!
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): The mother comes across a stray cat and brings him home, only to discover it's another spy.
Lou: I'm on to you, kitty, and you're in big trouble.
Cat: (Russian accent) I think not, baby puppy!
(The mother goes outside while Sam and Peek are looking through the window)
Sam: Look out! Code four.
(Sam and Peek get off the window)
Peek: Human! Quick, Sam, smell my butt!
(Sam starts to act like he is sniffing Peek's butt like normal dogs do)
Mrs. Brody: All right, break it up! Break it up!
NC (vo, as Mrs. Brody): Yeah, knock it off, dogs I don't own! Why did that anger me? (normal) They have a big battle, trying to fight off the cat, but the mother comes home... (shows the POV of the keyhole as the key is going into it) as conveyed by that keyhole shot.
NC: Very essential.
NC (vo): But Goldblum accidentally knocks the cat out with the door.
Mr. Brody: Hello!
(Mr. Brody bends over to pick up Lou. He has wires all over his body)
NC (vo): WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH DOG ALLERGIES?! UNLESS YOU'RE TRYING TO CONTACT (picture of) GOZER TO GIVE HER (a picture of the Keymaster of Gozer, or Vinz Clortho, appears on the right) A SAMPLE, I DON'T SEE WHY YOU WOULD NEED ALL THAT!
(Cut to the Russian Kitty tied up and interrogated)
Cat: I will tell you nothing!
NC (vo): So the cat is captured...
NC: Or "dogptured". See, it sounds stupid the other way around.
NC (vo): And Lou gets to spend more time with his boy.
Scott: Okay, how do you always find me? Come on, you can tell me. Let's hear it. Woof-woof! (Cut to Scott playing with Lou inside the house) Ha-ha! Come on! You can't catch me! Ha-ha!
(NC is stunned and weirded out at Scott)
NC: You know...this kid is so generic...
NC (vo): ...with his bland acting, non-threatening catchphrases, and Ikea bedroom display that I'm actually starting to wonder if he's an animated character. He never seems real, he always seems half-human, half-artificial.
NC: A...Hogarth Joel Osment, if you will. (Images of Hogarth from The Iron Giant and David from A.I. are shown)
(Cut to Scott giving Lou a belly rub)
Scott: Ah! Belly rub!
NC (vo): Yeah, I can remember all the times as a boy I cheerfully shouted, "Belly rub!"
NC: Though, to be fair, if they're any like the ones before, (That scene of Ivy giving Lou a belly rub is shown again) it might be warranted.
NC (vo): But they stumble downstairs, where Goldblum seems to be lacing all his nuclear explosives with food coloring.
(We briefly see what Brody's lab looks like, focusing on a computer scanning vials at one point)
NC: By God, it's every single one of Jeff Goldblum's "uhs".
NC (vo): He packaged them up! Look, there's an "uh" from Jurassic Park. There's an "uh" from Powder. And there's an "uh" from his biography, "Uh-Uh". (A image of a book showing Ian Malcolm with the title "Uh-Uh - An Uhtobiography" is shown)
(Scott's soccer ball accidentally causes a mess of chemicals to start spilling everywhere)
NC (vo): But (Imitates Ian Malcolm) Daddy's very angry (normal) when he discovers his work is destroyed.
Brody: (Stunned at the mess) My work.
Rob (vo; as Goldblum): My rainbow fruit flavors. Now no one will be able to try trout strawberry.
(Brody discovers suddenly that the mess has allowed the right positive combinations for his formula)
Computer: Allergy formula complete.
NC (vo): But we get a dog-u ex mutts-ina...
(Suddenly, the referee returns and blows his whistle and throws his yellow flag)
NC: Oh, come on!
(NC and the referee argue as the football scoreboard is shown again, this time with "Stretching Too Far for a Pun" written on the bottom, and the commentators resume talking)
Frank: Oh, and what a sorry sight we have here.
Ken: Yeah, it's not looking too good for the Critic.
Frank: Look at the two of them. It's like a small chihuahua and a tiny miniature football-sized poodle yipping at each other.
Ken: I'd say the Critic's definitely a poodle.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): As it turns out that somehow created the cure for dog allergies.
(Brody, holding Lou, celebrates outside the house)
Brody: I did it.
Rob (vo; as Goldblum): Ah-ha. I can finally partake in my dog-sniffing fetish. No longer will this film be an unfunny recycling of David Letterman's stupid pet tricks.
NC (vo): But Grumpy Cat Sex Change [Mr. Tinkles] disguises himself as his comatose master, they send a fake pamphlet, saying the kid won a contest, to lure them to the factory.
Scott: Uruguay vs. Chad!
Mother: I don't remember you entering a contest, though.
Scott: Can we go? Please, please can we go?
(NC is again weirded out by Scott)
NC: Maybe he's an animatronic, like, the ones that almost look real, (Images of an animatronic boy and Scott are shown) but just make you uncomfortable.
NC (vo): The cats knock them out and hold them hostage to get the dogs' attention.
(Cut to the dogs watching Mr. Tinkles' ransom note on TV)
Mr. Tinkles: Recognize these humans?
(The TV shows the family tied up in three chairs in a room)
Rob (vo; as Goldblum): Uh, listen, uh, if you're Al Queda, just, just take the bomb. I spent years perfecting it. Change the battlefield, change the world.
(Cut to Lou and Butch riding in a speeding rocket)
NC (vo): So the dogs take a pod that's so fast, it knocks their heads back... (Cut to the dogs relaxing in their speeding rocket) ...except when it doesn't.
NC: Maybe that's just a... (Shows Lou staggering his teeth on the speeding rocket) weird dog tic.
NC (vo): ...as they apparently travel to the center of the Earth where their headquarters are. Okay, this might sound kind of silly, but...Cats & Dogs is really losing me on its credibility. It's going off the rails, even for this movie.
NC: I mean, how gullible do they think we are?
Druggo Mom: Hey, Nostalgia Critic.
NC: Oh, hey, I'm not falling for another one of your tricks...
(DM brings out a ball)
DM: Do you wanna play fetch?
NC: Do I!
(DM throws the ball, causing NC to run over and grab the ball, before giving it to DM)
DM: All right. (Stops the camera)
NC: Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no. You can't walk away that easily. I want some answers... (DM throws the ball again) Oh, she threw it again! (Runs away and grabs the ball, as DM walks away. NC, holding the ball in his mouth, sees DM gone. He sees the ball in his mouth and looks at it) Oh, my God. I need to go out weekends.
(Back to the movie, where the World Dog Council is having a meeting)
News Reporter: The World Council voted to sacrifice the Brody family.
NC (vo): When the dogs decide not to save the family...
NC: Wow, dogs are kinda dicks.
NC (vo): ...we find out why Butch is so cold.
Butch: (To Lou) We protect them, we work for them, so when they go off to college, they can dump you with some old lady who can't throw her ball without so much as breaking her hip! (Walks away from Lou)
Lou: Is that what happened to you?
NC (as Butch): No, it's just a completely random thing I said...OF COURSE IT HAPPENED TO ME!
NC (vo): Eventually, though, the two of them decide to take on the cats themselves as the family tries to stay calm.
(Cut to the family still held captive)
Mother: Now don't be scared, Scotty. Everything is gonna be okay.
Scott: I'm not scared, Mom.
(Brody struggles to break free)
Mother: It's alright to be scared. Very natural. We'll be okay.
Scott: Mom, really, I'm okay.
NC: Uh, I know this is for a joke and all, but I don't care how old I am...
NC (vo): I'd be pissing my pants seven colors of fear if this happened to me! The kid is like Pinocchio. One day, he'll be a real boy! But definitely not in this scene.
(Mr. Tinkles reveals himself to the captured family)
Mr. Tinkles: Oh, but I've nothing to hide.
(He starts cackling manically, as the mother notices this and starts screaming. Scott, however, is amazed)
(NC yet again is weirded out by Scott)
NC: Maybe he's CG. You know, they're making wonderful advances in not making (An image of the Conductor from The Polar Express is shown) CG Tom Hanks look like a pedophile.
(Cut to Mr. Tinkles talking to his army)
Mr. Tinkles: Every human in the world will be allergic to dogs.
NC (vo): The cats, it looks like, have devised a reversal formula that can make everybody allergic to dogs.
NC: Yeah, it takes years to create. I'm sure it just takes seconds to reverse.
NC (vo): And they plan to give it to mice to spread it all over the world.
Mr. Tinkles: Mice!
(The mice army is shown, as the dogs witness this from above)
Butch: Son of my mom!
(NC is silent and unamused, as a flashing sign saying "Laugh" is shown)
NC: You were right not to laugh at that part. Let's bring out the more appropriate sign. (The sign is replaced with "Uncomfortable Amounts of Silent Judgement") Much better.
NC (vo): They stop the mice from leaving, but Mr. Tinkles lights the room on fire with the family inside.
(The family struggles to free themselves as the room is filled with flames)
NC (vo; as the mother): Don't be scared, son. (As Scott) I'm not scared. I'm not even here! I'm hand-drawn in every single frame of film, remember?
(Lou comes in to save the family)
NC (vo): So the dogs save the family and thwart the cats' plan, but it looks like Lou is still inside and... (The factory explodes) Well, Lou blew.
(The family have made it out before the factory explodes, but see no sign of Lou)
(NC once again is weirded out by Scott)
NC: Is it too late to rule out hand puppet? Like Yoda? (An image of Frank Oz performing Yoda is shown, but with Yoda's face replaced with Scott's face)
NC (vo): But Lou is pulled out by Butch...not entirely sure how they made it through that...but it looks like he might not have pulled through.
(Scott walks over towards Lou's motionless body as his parents watch)
Rob (vo; as Goldblum): Oh, man, that's, uh, that's just a shame. That's, uh, three dogs this week. Let's just get a cat.
(Lou awakens, and all rejoice)
NC (vo): Of course, he survives, as all the mice have read their rights and placed under arrest.
(Sam and Peek are looking at the army of mice walking past them)
Peek: You have the right to remain silent.
Sam: Anything you say can and will be used against...
(Mr. Tinkles' partner, the Calico, watches nearby)
Calico: Oh, my God!
NC: Kind of a random time to say that. I'm sure there's a... lot of other scenes that deserve the saying of "My God"... (The clip of Sam panting heavily is shown again) My God!
NC (vo): So Lou plays fetch with his family, because...after discovering dogs and cats are intelligent beyond measure, that's what I would want to do with them...as Mr. Tinkles is given to his owner's maid who does nothing but dress him up with her sisters.
(A montage plays of Mr. Tinkles wearing different clothes as the maids take pictures of him while making cute faces at him and acting all funny and crazy)
Maid #1: I could eat you with a little spoon!
Maid #2: I can't take it!
(All the maids start laughing like crazy as they continue to take pictures of Tinkles wearing different clothes. NC is weirded out by this scene)
NC: If you feel like you're going...
NC (vo): ...totally insane right now, don't worry.
NC: The film's actually been doing that to you for a while. You're just only now noticing. In fact...
(The movie's end credits are shown briefly)
NC (vo): ...the credits are rolling right now, but because this movie has driven you so bonkers, (Cut back to the maids laughing and acting crazy in front of Tinkles as they take more pictures of him wearing different clothes) this is all you can see. It's succeeded in bringing on a complete mental breakdown.
NC: And thus, you can check yourself into the Cats & Dogs Mental Ward...
(Cut to an image of a man locked in a mental ward cell, which has a sign saying "Cats and Dogs Ward")
NC (vo): ...at your local mental hospital. Trust me. They all have 'em.
NC: So, what the hell can I say about Cats & Dogs? (Beat) It’s from the same director of (poster of...) Son of the Mask. That explains a lot, doesn’t it?
(Clips of the movie play out as NC goes to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): While it’s nowhere near as bad as that film, you do see its paw prints all over it. The awkward comedy mixed with confused direction combined with pointless sounds and inconsistent effects. It’s not a good flick, which is a shame, because it is kind of a funny idea with funny possibilities. But as cat or dog vomit goes, this isn’t one I’m looking forward to cleaning up anytime soon.
NC: So thank you all for watching and tune in next time when I take a look at...
(An MSPaint card pops up as Mom reads it off)
Mom: Deadpool: A Nostalgia Critic Negative Review.
(All the clips that Mom took now make sense as Dad's mouth is superimposed on NC's mouth)
"NC": I really hate this movie. It makes me want to shake my head in anger. So run away from it as fast as you can. I just want to swat at every person who likes Deadpool.
(The real NC is shown confronting Druggo Mom and Creepy Dad, who are watching the "new review")
NC: What the hell have you done?
Creepy Dad: My wife recorded you for clickbait.
Druggo Mom: Everybody's gonna click on a negative review of Deadpool.
NC: But I like Deadpool.
Druggo Mom: Tell the comments that.
NC: This is theft, and I'm going to report you, and you can kiss your channel goodbye!
Druggo Mom: Go ahead. We just called Fox and told them that all your videos have Deadpool in them.
Creepy Dad: Your channel will be gone before you can even make the report.
NC: Well, all they have to do is watch the video to know I'm not doing-- (A YouTube video removal is shown on screen) Goddamn it!
(And we come to the credits...and one more look of the "surprised" pie woman)
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Scott: Ah! Belly rub!