Doug: Good evening, and welcome to "That Guy Riffs". Today, we'll be looking at a Casper cartoon that's so joyous and cheerful it will make you want to slit your wrists. Sit back and enjoy. (mumbles)
(Paramount Pictures logo appears)
Doug: We fucked up "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" all by ourselves.
Doug: (seeing "Noveltoon" card) I don't wanna read my cartoon, what the hell's wrong with you? (upon zooming into "Famous Studios" card) Famous Studios, now a subsidiary of Obscure Pictures. (refering to the director's name) THIS. IS. SPARBER! (sees more credits printed on rocks) Is it me or is Mother Nature getting kinda wordy? (upon seeing Casper's introduction) Featuring this soiled, chewed-up, rubber condom! (upon seeing title "There's Good Boos Tonight) Eh, the only good boos I'm gonna see is at the bottom of a Jack Daniel's bottle.
(as the cartoon opens, we see glowing eyes in a swamp)
Doug: Bud-Weis-Jim. (scoffs) Goddammit, Er!
Narrarator: Isn't this a perfect setting for a spine-tingling ghost story? Well strangely enough, this is a ghost story.
Doug: (pretending to speak on an intercom) No, Mr. Wells, this is a fishstick commercial.
Narrarator: Do you have nightmares? Do shadows on the wall frighten you? (narrator and Doug both chuckle)
Doug: Me neither.
Narrarator: Well relax, this isn't that kind of a story.
Doug: This is a porno!
Narrarator: To prove it, let me introduce a ghost that is out of this world! His name is Casper. (we see Casper reading a book titled "Animal Friends")
Doug: In life he was known as the Pilsbury Doughboy.
Doug: (as Casper) Oh, I wish I had animal friends to fondle me.
Doug: (as a ghost that's just risen out of its grave) Welp, time for another kegger on Bald Mountain.
Doug: This is Henry. He touched children, but saved the Pope. So he's in purgatory for a while.
("Henry" calls everybody awake like a rooster and the other ghosts rise out of their own graves in response)
Doug: Te-he, were all of these guys pillow cases before they died?
Narrarator: Every night, at the rise of the moon, Casper's neighbors go off on their job of scaring the daylights out of people.
Doug: His neighbors were Klansmen you see.
(ghosts make like jetfighters and fly off)
Doug: (in unison with someone else): Tora! Tora! Tora!
Ghost: Boo! Boo! Boo! Come on Casper! Time to go out and boo people!
Doug: He-he-he-he, I'm off my meds!
Ghost: Good boos tonight! Boo! Boo! Boo!
Doug: (laughing) It's the ghost of Christopher Walken. (as Walken) Boo. Boo. Boo.
Narrarator: Casper doesn't want to go out and boo people. He wants to be friendly.
Doug: They're much less suspecting when he cloroforms them and keeps them in his pit.
Narrarator: Casper sees no future in this sort of life. So he decides to go out and make friends.
Doug: Out of the piles of dung that he found at his local farm.
(Casper's now at a farm and tries to talk to a calf)
Doug: But Casper was hungry first.
Casper: (talking to calf) Uh, what's your name?
(Calf looks up at Casper, gets scared, and runs back into the barn)
Doug: (as calf) Mom, I was attacked by the Michelin Man's splooge!
(Adult bovine runs out and goes up to Casper)
Doug: (as Bovine) Damn Jahova's Witnesses, I told them to stay out!
Casper: Uh, I'm Casper.
(bovine sees Casper and also gets scared and runs away down road at lightning fast speed and then leaps over the moon)
Doug: Uhhh, got nothing on that one folks.
(Casper walks away sadly, but then spots a skunk walk by)
Doug: (as skunk) Well, time to die somewhere near a highway and ruin everybody's trip.
(Casper decides to make friends with the skunk and starts following it on all fours)
Doug: Casper was...um, unique.
(skunk turns around and notices that Casper is a ghost)
Casper: Uh, can we be friends, huh?
Doug: (as skunk panics and runs away while spraying skunk smell everywhere) Dah, the ghost of Curly Joe, taste the remains of my chimichunga!
(next Casper is seen in a tub sadly washing away the skunk smell)
Doug: Casper tries to wash off the evil of killing that homeless man on the Vegas Strip. Did we forget to show you that scene? Well it happened. We chose to keep it from you 'cause, remember, it's not that kind of story.
(Casper dries himself in a wringer and then sadly walks over to a log to sit down and cry)
Doug: (as Casper starts crying) Oh, buck up. You know what they say: what doesn't kill you only makes you...uh.
(as Casper cries, a fox walks out of the log to see what the comotion is)
Doug: Knuckles puts down his Sonic suffocating pillow to see what was the matter.
(the fox notices Casper crying and start crying as well to show sympathy)
Doug: And so the dead boy cried because nobody living or dead loved him, and that in turn made the cute little fox wanna drown in his own tears. But don't get too sad, kids. Remember, it's not that kind of story.
(the fox walks over to Casper to cry with him, but then Casper notices this and immediately stops crying)(the fox nudges his head against Casper, making him confused)
Casper: A-A-A-Aren't you a-a-a-scared of me?
(the fox jumps up onto Casper and start licking him frantically to show that he's a friend)
Doug: (growling) Die, die, die, die! (growls some more)
Casper: You're a cute little fox!
Doug: I'm gonna get others to help chew your face off!
(the fox runs off and comes back with a stick)
Doug: Here, this is what's left of your body. I think it was a femur.
Casper: Oh! So you want to play with me?
Doug: Actually I was hoping if I give you the stick, you'd go away.
(Casper throws the stick away and the fox goes running after it then brings it back)
(Casper tries to take the stick back, but the fox playfully refuses)
Doug: Look, as long as Christinia Ricci and an unfunny Eric Idle aren't in this, I'm okay.
(the fox runs back off with the stick and beckons Casper to come after him)
Doug: You know, I'm just gonna start to ponder the various ways that Casper could have died. Um...heroin overdose, autoerotic asphixiation, uh...execution at the hands of North Korean communists, a tumor? You know, I'm just gonna start a website about all the various ways he could have died!
(Casper catches back up to the fox near a wall and gets the stick back as the fox starts to lick him again)
Casper: You're my best friend! So I'll give you an extra special name! Um...Ferdie! That's it! Ferdie Fox!
Doug: (mishearing the name) Farty Fox? I wouldn't wish that name on my worst enemy!
(next, Casper and Ferdie play hide and seek: Casper counts while Ferdie hides)
Doug: I'll leave a flatulent trail for you!
Casper: Uh, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13,...
(Ferdie hides in some bushes)
Doug: Huh huh, he'll never find me in the only bush in the field!
(Ferdie hides in the bushes completely, but then a hunter on a horse with some dogs come by)
Doug: (laughs) Is an army of Valkyries bringing up the rear, what?
(the dogs sniff out for a fox; Ferdie pokes his head out)
Doug: (as the fox from Mary Poppins) Lou, hallou?
(Ferdie spots the hunter and dogs and runs for his life)
Doug: Run, Farty!
(the dogs start barking and chasing after Ferdie with the hunter in hot persuit)
Doug: I smell a gassy fox!
(Ferdie runs for it while Casper continues counting)
Doug: ...And to the republic for which it stands...
(Casper hears gunshots and notices the chase going on)
Doug: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
(the chase continues while the hunter fires more bullets)
Doug: Die, you fucking fox!
Casper: Oh! They're after Ferdie!
Doug: I can smell his panic all the way from here!
(Ferdie comes to a river, jumps on some rocks to get across, but one of the rocks falls into the water, and Ferdie almost falls off the edge, but manages to save himself in time)
Doug: Then the fox almost fell off the waterfall, nearly drowning to death, and crushing his bones into a million pieces! But don't worry, kids, it's not that kind of story.
(Ferdie manages to get himself to safety, but the hunting pack catches up)
Doug: I thought they said this was a children's cartoon!
(the dogs sniff out Ferdie and ferociously chase him down)
Doug: (with German accent) Achtung! Schnell, schnell, getten the foxen!
(Casper flies in to help Ferdie)
Doug: (singing) Here I come to gay the day!
(the chase continues)
Doug: Come on, Fox, do a barrel roll!
(Casper jumps in the way of the hunting pack and tries to stop them)
Casper: Stop! Stop! Don't hurt him, he's my friend!
Doug: (refering to the bullets going through Casper) Ow! My invisible pancreas!
(upon seeing Casper, the dogs stop, turn pale with fear, with the hunter catching up)
Hunter: Oh, a ghost!
Doug: I thought this wasn't that kind of story!
(the entire hunting pack flees the scene at the speed of light)
Doug: Beep beep!
(Casper is relieved that they are gone, and starts running)
Casper: Ferdie! Ferdie! Where are you?
Doug: My name is Ralph, goddammit!
(Casper notices that Ferdie has died anyway, perhaps from exhaustion, cardiac arrest, or being shot)
Doug: (gasps) Farty!
Casper: Are you alright? (crying) Oh, Ferdie!
Doug: What have I done? I killed the Ferdie!
Casper: He was the only friend I ever had in my whole life!
Doug: Holy shit, this is like three Bambi's moms and two Old Yellers put together!
(Casper buries Ferdie's body, complete with a gravestone and flower, and cries even more)
Doug: And so the dead boy buried the dead fox who was mowed down by the hunter's buck shot! But don't worry kids, it's not that kind of story!
(just then, Ferdie's ghost flies out of the grave and reunites with Casper)
Ghost: Whooo, you killed me Casper!
(Casper notices Ferdie and is beyond joyous)
Casper: Oh, Ferdie! (hugs him with all of his strength)
Doug: You're not seriously telling me this is the happy ending?
Narrarator: And so, Casper and Ferdie lived happily ever after!
(Ending title card appears)
Doug: Join us next time for "Casper Meets Anne Frank"! Don't worry kids, it's not that kind of story! Goodnight!
(Credits roll)
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