NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. You know, I was walking down the aisles of a video store the other day and I noticed something I haven't seen in years: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue.
Cut to a camera pan, showing the box the movie came in
NC: Immediately a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me and I just knew I had to see this piece of shit again. Now for those of you who don't remember the special, I'll give you the skinny.
Cut to footage of the movie
NC (voiceover): In the early 90s, ABC said they were gonna do a half-hour special featuring kids' favorite cartoons. You name it: Duck Tales, Chipmunks, Looney Tunes, Ninja Turtles, the works.
Back to NC
NC: When you're a kid this is the equivalent of, like, Elvis meets the Beatles, the world could just explode right there. So for weeks we had been waiting in anticipation and finally the big day came. The Saturday morning, all the kids are up and we're hyped as hell! And who do they get to start off this groundbreaking event?
NC: None other than the GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HIMSELF. Oh my God, George Bush is starting this thing off! (Slight pause, then more skeptically) Oh my God...George Bush is starting this thing off. That can't be good.
Interspliced: NC and footage of the president talking
NC: He goes on and on about how listening to your parents is important and how to maintain the American Family, but when you're a kid, hyped up as hell, all you can hear is: BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'M AN OLD PERSON, BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'M KEEPING YOU FROM YOUR CARTOONS, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Back to NC
NC: So after he's done blabbing the show finally begins, and it's just like the commercials say, everybody's there: The Smurfs, Ghostbusters, Garfield, ALF...for some reason...I don't know, maybe he snuck in the back, I don't know*. But bottom line, everybody's there. It's unbelievable, it's a dream come true. So now that all our favorite cartoons are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?
- NOTE: From September of 1988 to December of 1989, there was a cartoon series called ALF Tales, which probably explains why ALF is in cartoon form.
Footage of Simon from the Chipmunks talking to other cartoons
NC stares shocked, silent
NC waves his hands incredulously
NC: Did...did Simon of the Chipmunks just say marijuana? What...what would possess Simon of the Chipmunks to say marijuana? No, no no no, this has gotta be some kind of a mistake. It can't be the same marijuana WE'RE thinkin' of.
Simon: An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.
NC is shocked again
NC: Oh my God...wh-why is Simon of the Chipmunks talking about marijuana? What kind of a slap in the face is that? I mean, Simon shouldn't know what marijuana is! Simon is one of the embodiments of childhood, he's from Alvin and the Chipmunks for cryin' out loud! JESUS, I feel so dirty. Simon of the Chipmunks just said marijuana! Is there any other American icon that can smash the foundations of my childhood any quicker?
Footage from the show, this time of Bugs Bunny
Bugs: What's this, a joint?
NC: (smacks his head) WHY DOES BUGS BUNNY KNOW WHAT A JOINT IS?! Bugs Bunny shouldn't know what a joint is. If he knows what a joint is, it means he knows what drugs are. If Bugs Bunny knows what drugs are, it means the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are. And if the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are, well that...JUST EXPLAINS TOO GODDAMN MUCH! ...ooph. So, if you haven't put it together yet: All our favorite cartoon characters, that we grew up with, are coming together to talk to US about...drugs. ...This is going to be a long half hour.
More footage from the show
NC (voiceover): So it turns out the special was not even ABOUT the cartoon characters, it's about a little twerp named Michael who has a stinkin' drug problem. He sinks to a new low when he steals his sister Corey's piggy bank. He uses it to buy more drugs which he keeps in a box under his bed. And what exactly does he keep in that box?
A picture of the box, open, showing its contents
NC (voiceover): A silly putty egg, four turds, and two Cinnamon Buns stuck together. Because hey, he was high, and thought it was a good idea at the time.
Back to regular shots of footage
NC (voiceover): Corey thinks about telling her father, but he's too busy being an alcoholic, and gay...and the Brawny man. To make matters worse, Michael is followed around by this obnoxious puff of smoke, voiced by George C. Scott.
Smoke: Hey, he needed me! All his cares went...poof.
Back to NC
NC: Okay, that was lame. But I like his next speech a whole lot better.
Smoke: (audio from Patton) This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap! The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality don't know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating!
NC: Now THAT'S a puff of smoke I can follow!
Garfield (from A Garfield Christmas): Bizarre.
NC: But tell me, where did this slippery slope of marijuana abuse begin?
NC (voiceover): Well luckily Bugs Bunny has a time machine that's able to show us.
Bugs: I borrowed it from some coyote.
Back to NC, who simply shakes his head angrily; back to footage
NC (voiceover): We find out that Michael just wanted to fit in, and that's why he started smoking marijuana in the first place. And once you listen to how he talks, can you really blame him?
Young Michael: You guys cruisin' for lung cancer, or what?
Back to NC
NC: Somebody give that kid a joint.
NC (voiceover): After that we get some more narc speeches from Ninja Turtles, Duck Tales and the Muppet Babies.
Back to NC
NC: Cause when I think about drugs, (mouths "oh yeah") I think Muppet Babies.
Baby Kermit: ABANDON BRAIN!
NC (voiceover): So after some long-winded speeches, the characters get together and do the most logical thing they can think of:
Back to NC
NC: They have an intervention. With an Alan Menken song.
Cut to scenes from the song, with the various characters singing; cut to shot of NC putting his gun to his head, back to song, back to cocking gun, song, gunshot, cut to black.
NC (voiceover): If you survived your suicide attempt, the special ends pretty much as you would imagine it. Michael gets off the drugs, he makes up with his sister, the puff of smoke disappears, and his attentive parents are none the wiser.
Back to NC
NC: So what message are kids supposed to take from this special? That if they smoke weed, all their favorite cartoon characters would appear? Yeah, that's a top notch moral right there.
Alvin: Is he kidding?
NC: And if you don't get off the drugs, these suckers get violent!
NC (voiceover): In fact, I was surprised at how cruel some of these characters are. I mean look, they lock people in burning buildings, run them over with a roller coaster, blow 'em up, drown them, even Winnie the Pooh gets his ass handed to him.
Back to NC
NC: Jesus, these suckers are mean! Another problem I have with this special is that everybody cries at the drop of a hat. Watch!
NC takes off his hat and drops it on the ground, cut to shot of Michael crying
NC: You see? So, okay, what exactly are these cartoon characters trying to tell us?
Baby Kermit: There's nothing cool about a fool on drugs!
NC: Eh, fair enough I guess. So the next time-
Bugs: What's up doc, is your life, if you don't cut it out.
Michelangelo: You're excellent just the way you are!
NC: Got it!
ALF: We don't always see things the way they are.
NC: Okay, I-
Huey, Dewey, Louie: Just believe in yourself!
Baby Miss Piggy: We care about you.
NC: Well maybe-
Bugs: Everyone's got problems, kid.
Huey: Why don't you just say no?
NC: Got it.
Bugs: You gotta believe in yourself!
NC: Will you shut up?
Baby Miss Piggy: Listen to us!
NC: Yeah, I heard you!
ALF: You use, you lose.
NC: OKAY! GOD! You know I thought this would be really cool, but you know what? This really blows! All my cartoon characters are fuckin' narcs! I mean for crying out loud, how many times do you have to hammer this shit in?
Bugs: If everyone was jumpin' off a cliff, would you go too?
NC: Maybe after seein' this shit! I mean for crying out loud, you know what the irony is? I think most of these cartoon characters were on drugs LONG before this special came out. I mean look at 'em:
Shots illustrating his points
NC (voiceover): Garfield's always hungry, Pooh's happy as hell, Daffy's hyped up on speed, and Michelangelo...well LISTEN to him!
Michelangelo: Your brain must be like REALLY messed up.
NC: I even think our beloved president smoked a doobie before he came out. I mean look at him!
Shot of the president and his wife
NC (voiceover): He's looking at Barbara's head like it's a giant cheeseburger.
Back to NC
NC: Maybe I'm being too harsh on this special, after all they are trying to get across a very moral lesson.
ALF: Drugs aren't your pal, pal, they're your enemy!
NC: A very sound point. Any objections?
Smoke: I make 'em feel good!
NC: He's got me there!
NC pulls out a makeshift pipe or bong and lights it up
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Stand · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month