(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Cars. The song "Find Yourself" by Brad Paisley plays throughout. Also, some clips from The Incredibles play at one point as well)
Doug (vo): Okay, so here we go. Cars. Yeah, everybody liked this movie when it came out, and I'll just be honest, I don't get it. This seemed like the biggest step backwards you could take for a studio that was doing so well. Why? Because the last film they did finally starred human characters. You would think that this would open up the door for so many more stories, so many more opportunities, but...no! Now it's...Cars! O-okay, well, what is it? Cars that come to life and people get inside them? No! It's just a world where everything's a car...what? Well, okay, maybe this just opens it up for a lot of creative jokes, because as we all know, everybody...really knows a lot about cars. Actually, hell, even if you do know a lot about cars, are there really that many...car jokes in this? Uh, okay, let's go to the beginning.
Doug (vo): You got a race car, played by Owen Wilson. He's a big celebrity hotshot, constantly winning all the races in the stadiums... [Sighs] ...filled with cars...God, this is weird! Okay. While he's being transported to his next big race, he accidentally gets lost, and gets stuck in a town that he accidentally destroys a good portion of. The court decides that the best way for him to pay for his crime is for him to fix up what he did. Of course, being the egotistical hotshot, he just wants to get to his race, but the town won't let him leave until he accounts for his actions. So while taking responsibility, he comes across a couple colorful characters, a pick-up truck, played by Larry the Cable Guy, a hippie van, played by the late George Carlin, and a romantic interest, played by Bonnie Hunt. Gee, will he discover that hard work and responsibility is really what's important? Will he discover that there's actually some charm to the small town locations? Will he look at things in a different point of view that'll make him more humble and a nicer guy in the end?
Doug (vo): Does that engine light mean something's wrong with your vehicle? I don't know, because I don't care about cars! And I don't know a lot of people that really do either. I mean, sure, there's people obsessed with cars and they like to make them look good, but making them the focus of a movie? This is really weird! But even taking that out of it, the story has been done to death and it doesn't seem like they're really adding anything new outside of just making people cars. I think I laughed at one joke in this entire movie, and that's where there's a lineup in the female bathroom. Okay, that got a laugh out of me, but aside from that, nothin'. I didn't crack a smile once. It was boring, it was tedious, it was long, it didn't look that great. It's a dumb concept, its boring characters, I...oh...
Doug (vo): Okay, I know a lot of people like this film, I know it sold a lot of toys. And I guess it makes sense, Hot Wheels and stuff sell really well, now actually put eyes and a smile on that Hot Wheel and, bada-bing, you probably have a good seller. But as a story and character goes, this didn't do a thing for me. In my opinion, this was the first really big Pixar disappointment. But a lot of people seemed to go see it and enjoy it. I don't know too many people who see it as their favorite, but they seem to like it okay. And I guess, as always, there's nothing really bad in it for kids, and to its credit, the ending actually is a very nice, heartwarming ending. But I still don't know why this movie was made. Why was this considered a good concept? Why did people think it was creative? Why did people enjoy the characters and the story that they've seen a bajillion times that didn't really add anything that new to it? I don't know, and maybe I'll never know. But it was still a big hit, both audiences and critics seem to enjoy it, so I'll just shut up and let you enjoy what you enjoy. But for me, all I'm thinking in my mind is... [An image of the main characters from the next Pixar film, Ratatouille, is shown] Come back, Brad Bird! COME BACK!
[The ending scene of the film, showing Lightning McQueen and Sally driving through the canyon roads, is shown]