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Care Bears Nutcracker

Care

Released
December 30, 2014
Running time
21:35
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(We start off today's episode with the Nostalgia Critic looking catatonic. Standing in the room with him are Tamara Chambers and Malcolm Ray)

Tamara: Oh my god. What is wrong with him?

Malcolm: Christmas withdrawal. Happens every year.

Tamara: Is he gonna snap out of it?

Malcolm: (holding up a cup) Maybe with a Christmas Bloody Mary. Come on, buddy. It's perfect for any Christmas hangover. It's blended fruitcake with just a hint of eggnogg. (He takes a sip, and then immediately regrets that decision after finding out how bad it tastes)

Tamara: Okay, well maybe if we take him to the theater and show him some traditional Christmas movies.

Malcolm: Good idea. (the two of them put NC in front of the computer showing the AMC website) Think we'll find a film about Christmas showing?

Tamara: Malcolm, no movies about Christmas come around this time of year.

Malcolm: But you said Christmas movies.

Tamara: Oh, well I mean a movie that comes out around Christmas, not about Christmas. Like we can take him to one of these true story movies. A bunch of those come out this time of year. (The movies shown are Big Eyes, Mr. Turner, Enigma, Unbroken and Wild)

Malcolm: Or how about one of these fantasy films? There's always a few of those playing, too. (The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, Into the Woods and Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb)

Tamara: Yeah, one of those actually ties into the category of "people making musicals who shouldn't be making musicals" musicals. (Into The Woods and Annie)

Malcolm: As well as the expensive kids films nobody attempted to make good. (Annie, Snow Queen 2, Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast and Night at the Museum again.)

Tamara: Yeah.

Malcolm: We always do have the Oscar bait white guilt films.

Tamara: Now what is that one? (This one is for Selma)

Malcolm: Oh, this year it's Selma, but before it was The Blind Side, 20 Years A Slave*, Django (Unchained).

(*He means 12 Years A Slave*)

Tamara: No kidding.

Malcolm: Yeah I love those movies cause the Critic always takes me out to dinner afterwards.

Tamara: Oh good job.

(Suddenly NC raises his hand and points at a movie, moaning at it, making them notice)

Malcolm: What? (NC moans again, the two now seeing today's movie) Oh that's just the kids screening of the Care Bears Nutcracker. You don't want to see that. (NC moans again) Dude, they're only playing it because it was cheap to get. (NC moans louder)

Tamara: Critic, are you seriously saying that you want to sit through a bunch of whiny brats so that you can watch something slightly Christmas related?

(Cut to a grumpy NC in a movie theater as balloons float in the air and children are screaming and laughing loudly)

NC: (seething with hatred) So worth it.

(And we come to the opening!)

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