Care Bears Nutcracker

Care Bears Nutcracker
Released	December 30, 2014
Running time	21:35
Previous review	Christmas Story 2
Next Review	The Matrix
Link	http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-care-bears-nutcracker/

Note: This guide is unfinished.

We start off today's episode with the Nostalgia Critic looking catatonic. Standing in the room with him are Tamara Chambers and Malcolm Ray.

Tamara: Oh, my God. What is wrong with him?

Malcolm: Christmas withdrawal. Happens every year.

Tamara: Is he gonna snap out of it?

Malcolm: (holding up a cup) Maybe with a Christmas Bloody Mary. Come on, buddy. It's perfect for any Christmas hangover. It's blended fruitcake with just a hint of eggnog. (He takes a sip, and then immediately regrets that decision after finding out how bad it tastes.)

Tamara: Okay, well maybe if we take him to the theater and show him some traditional Christmas movies.

Malcolm: Good idea. (The two of them put NC in front of the computer showing the AMC website.) Think we'll find a film about Christmas showing?

Tamara: Malcolm, no movies about Christmas come around this time of year.

Malcolm: But you said Christmas movies.

Tamara: Oh, well I mean a movie that comes out around Christmas, not about Christmas. Like we can take him to one of these true story movies. A bunch of those come out this time of year. (The movies shown are Big Eyes, Mr. Turner, The Imitation Game, Unbroken and Wild.)

Malcolm: Or how about one of these fantasy films? There's always a few of those playing, too. (The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, Into the Woods and Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb.)

Tamara: Yeah, one of those actually ties into the category of "people making musicals who shouldn't be making musicals" musicals. (Into The Woods and Annie.)

Malcolm: As well as the expensive kids films nobody attempted to make good. (Annie, Snow Queen 2, Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast and Night at the Museum again.)

Tamara: Yeah.

Malcolm: We always do have the Oscar bait white guilt films.

Tamara: Now what is that one? (This one is for Selma.)

Malcolm: Oh, this year it's Selma, but before it was The Blind Side, 20 Years A Slave*, Django (Unchained).

(*He means 12 Years A Slave*)

Tamara: No kidding.

Malcolm: Yeah I love those movies cause the Critic always takes me out to dinner afterwards.

Tamara: Oh, good job.

Suddenly NC raises his hand and points at a movie, moaning at it, making them notice.

Malcolm: What? (NC moans again, the two now seeing today's movie) Oh, that's just the kids screening of the Care Bears Nutcracker. You don't want to see that. (NC moans again) Dude, they're only playing it because it was cheap to get. (NC moans louder)

Tamara: Critic, are you seriously saying that you want to sit through a bunch of whiny brats so that you can watch something slightly Christmas related?

Cut to a grumpy NC in a movie theater as balloons float in the air and children are screaming and laughing loudly.

NC: (seething with hatred) So worth it.

We then come to the opening, before cutting to a normal NC at his desk.

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Alright, I've had my post-Christmas fix; it's time to move on to more serious stuff. (beat) Let's talk about Care Bears.

The title screen for "The Care Bears Nutcracker" is shown before various clips of it are shown.

NC (v/o): After reviewing what I suppose is the Care Bears movie trilogy, a lot of people were complaining that there was one more film for me to look over: The Care Bears Nutcracker. In actuality, this was a one-hour episode of the TV series. That's why it opens up with the theme song and characters who don't appear in the special at all. This is actually kinda funny 'cause I can wonder what the poor people who never saw the show were thinking when they popped this DVD in.

The "Care Bears" theme song, performed by John Sebastian (The Lovin' Spoonful), begins.

Singer: Who's that coming, from somewhere...

NC (v/o): (Beastly and Shreeky are seen.) Wait... Why is there a little girl version of (shows on top-left corner a picture of...) Doc Brown next to one of Gimli's hairballs? (A picture of Gimli is shown on top-right corner.) Wait... Why did some of the Care Bears start wearing seriously dated clothes? (No Heart, one of the show's villains, is seen.) Who the fuck is that guy? Did the wizard from Fantasia (shows on top-left corner a picture of Yen Sid) become a Klansman recently? (A picture of a Ku Klux Klan member is shown on top-right corner.) Nevertheless, in the spirit of post-Christmas depression I suppose I can give in and still review this fuck-horse. Let's finish off the Care Bears saga before we get to the stuff that gets... (A clip of one of the Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-Lot episodes, "Grizzle-ized," is shown.) somehow weirder.

Grizzle Bear: The Grizzle-ator!

NC: Time for a game of disappearing brain cells. This is The Care Bears Nutcracker.

NC (v/o): We open with a school production of--what else?--The Nutcracker, as apparently not all the other performers are on board.

Chris: You said it was gonna have a lot of fights and battles and...

Holly: But there are a lot of fights and battles in the show!

NC: Some versions even have a Holocaust if you're desperate enough! (DVD cover of The Nutcracker in 3D is shown at top-left corner.)

Holly: You can't just change the story, Chris!

Miss Walker: Actually, Holly, Tchaikovsky's ballet is only one of the many different ways the original story has been re-told.

NC: Again, Holocaust. (Picture from The Nutcracker in 3D with the Nazi-dressed rats is shown at top-left corner) Look it up; you'll be pleasantly disappointed.

Holly: Can you tell us your favorite version of the Nutcracker story? (kids cheering as they gather around with Miss Walker)

NC (v/o, as Miss Walker): Well, we go on in 10 minutes but--eh, we're gonna suck anyway.

Miss Walker: My favorite version of the story was told to me by some friends of mine: the Care Bears.

Holly: The Care Bears are your friends?

Miss Walker: That's right, Holly.

NC (v/o): Yes, the Care Bears are kind of a socially-accepted department of authority now as everyone seems to know exactly who they are. (We cut to a scene in Care-a-Lot) But nevertheless, that doesn't explain how it's possible to snow in Care-a-Lot even though they're above the clouds.

One of the Nutcracker pieces, "Dance of the Reed Flutes," is heard while Care Bear babies Hugs and Tugs run up a cloudy hill to grab a star.

NC (v/o): (singing along with the music) We're gonna use this music in our show / 'Cause it's public domain cleared by the studio / We'll steal it as we please / Slashing composer fees / Although musically but visually, it really blows.

Braveheart Lion: Well, Hugs and Tugs, have you found your own special ornament?

Baby Hugs: No, Braveheart!

Baby Tugs: All the other Care Bears have special ornaments of their own, and so should we!

Clip from The Big Lebowski is shown.

Brandt: This is our concern, Dude.

Back to the movie.

Funshine Bear: Can somebody help me? I've just spotted a little girl down on Earth through the star telescope. Her name is Anna and she's really sad!

Braveheart Lion: What? But it's Christmas! Everybody should be happy!

NC (v/o): You know, don't the Care Bears have anything other than first world problems?

NC as Care Bear 1: Oh, no; a little girl is sad! We should go help her right away!

NC as Care Bear 2: Uh--yeah, what about some of these ruthless dictators that have been slaughtering the innocent? Couldn't we, maybe, ship their emotions so they don't want to do that anymore?

NC as Care Bear 1: No, no; we mostly just deal with the white ones.

NC as Care Bear 2: Oh... any particular reason?

NC as Care Bear 1: We're based off of greeting cards; who else are we gonna appeal to?

Funshine Bear: Grumpy! You're just the person I need.

Grumpy Bear: Why always me?

NC (v/o): So Funshine Bear takes Grumpy Bear to go with... which I'm only now realizing how strange it is that he's a part of all this. Why is there a Care Bear named Grumpy? Isn't it like going to a psychiatrist named Lunatic? (high-pitched evil laughter is heard as a picture of a crazy-haired psychiatrist is shown)

Another Nutcracker piece, "Trepak (Russian Dance)," is heard as Funshine and Grumpy Bear are catching snowflakes with their tongues (only Grumpy Bear is failing to do so).

NC (v/o): (again, singing along with the music) We're still gonna rip off these damn songs / We don't give a shit if you think it's wrong / You'll associate this tune with Care Bears now / We know it's a pretty lame-ass way to connect any of this to the damn ballet / But it shuts your kids up, so calm the fuck down.

As "Trepak" nears its close, Funshine and Grumpy Bear crash their "cloud car" into a chimney and fall down it. As a result, their car disappears.

NC (v/o): So after committing vehicle-icide--I'm assuming it was alive; it did have a face--they fall down the chimney of the girl they're supposed to help.

Funshine Bear: Thanks, Grumpy! (climbs through the window before a soot-covered Grumpy Bear closes it) Why are you all black?

Grumpy Bear: Because I like to be all black!

NC: Well, you and most white suburban teenagers.

NC (v/o): So they go into the room of our sad girl named Anna. And--is it me or do the Care Bears have the habit of helping the exact same looking type of girl every single time? (Footage of "the exact same looking type of girl," from The Care Bears: Adventures in Wonderland, Care Bears II: A New Generation, and The Care Bears Movie, is shown at bottom-right corner.) There really is some prejudice bullshit going on here!

NC as Care Bear 2: Ma'am! We have another sad little girl on the corner of --

NC as Care Bear 1: Does she have blonde hair and blue eyes?

NC as Care Bear 2: (beat) I... don't know what that has to do with anything --

NC as Care Bear 1: Answer the question!

NC as Care Bear 2: Well, no; she's a brunette with green eyes.

NC as Care Bear 1: Not interested.

NC as Care Bear 2: But -- she's threatening others with a machete!

NC as Care Bear 1: AWAY WITH YOU! (looks at cell phone) One day, my Führer, we will build the master race.

Cut to an image of Adolf Hitler (with a Care Bear's head) on that cell phone, with audio of one of his German speeches in the background.

NC (v/o): But as luck would freakin' have it, Anna's house is the exact same random location of a portal to another world.

NC: It happens... Usual with the Care Bears in the house!

NC (v/o): So they come across a Nutcracker who should clearly be called the Voicecracker due to his puberty pipes...

Nutcracker: I can't remember my name./I've even lost my arm!/Thanks for straightening me out!

NC (v/o, as Nutcracker): If only I was built with testicles so they would drop! (normal) ...as he's soon followed by some rodent baddies, led by the Rat King. (still shot of the Rat King from the 1987 animated series Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown) If only... (back to the movie) Now, the only thing this guy would be the king of is being the villain of a fast food commercial.

Rat King: They're getting away! STOP THEM!

NC: (little confused) Look out; it's the Rat King! He ruins happy meals!

Cut to a scene where Anna and Nutcracker accidentally push her brother Peter, Funshine Bear, and Grumpy Bear into a coat rack and they bounce backward with it.

Rat King: A-HA!

The coat rack, with Peter, Funshine Bear, and Grumpy Bear inside, is seen bouncing forward.

NC (v/o, as Rat King): RUN! A COAT! ...Wait, what?

Peter: Nutcracker!?

NC (v/o): So her brother, named Peter, gets involved as the Care Bears try to use peaceful talks to calm down the Rat--NAH, just kidding; they beat the shit out of him.

Funshine Bear: Those flowers won't hold them for long!

NC (v/o): Only here and in my pot-induced dreams will that ever make sense. But the Nutcracker suddenly gets back part of his memory.

Nutcracker: They work for the evil vizier who's trying to control all of Toyland!

Peter: Yippee!

NC: (beat) Yay, slavery?

NC (v/o): So after escaping the stairs (stares), they go back to being another scene on the stairs (stares). Just an expensive location you wanna get your money's worth?

Rat King: Lemme through!

Funshine fires flowers and a rainbow from his chest, hitting the rat soldiers and knocking them back.

NC (v/o, as Care Bears): Rainbow! Ya speak it, motherfucker?

Grumpy creates a storm cloud, which zaps the Rat King in the back.

NC (v/o, as Rat King): Hey, how'd I get to the top of the stairs all of a sudden? Should've paid your background artists more!

Funshine and Grumpy: CARE BEAR STARE!!!

Funshine and Grumpy both blast the rats and their king with Care bear stares, sending them back through the doorway from whence they came.

NC (v/o): Okay, so the Care Bear Stare has a lot more power than I gave it credit for. Apparently, it can also open up doorways to other dimensions and send bad guys back through it.

Cut to a scene from Ghostbusters, where the group is on the roof of the building.

Egon Spengler: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.

Peter Venkman: How?

NC (v/o, as Egon): The Care Bear Stare.

Venkman: (slaps Raymond Stantz) I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!

Back to the movie.

NC (v/o): So it's explained that the Rat King works for the Evil Vizier who has taken over Toyland, and thus, the Care Bears need backup in order to save it.

Funshine and Grumpy send rainbows from their bodies. The signals are seen all the way to Care-A-Lot. Tenderheart turns around and notices the signals.

Tenderheart Bear: It's Funshine and Grumpy's distress signal!

Cut to a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.

Batman: (wakes up) Signal?! Oh, Care Bears; they got it. (falls asleep)

Back to the movie.

NC (v/o): So the rest of the gang arrive to help.

Peter: Tenderheart and Braveheart Lion!

Anna: And Lotsa Heart Elephant!

NC: Each sold separately!

Baby Hugs and Baby Tugs poke their heads up from the blanket, since they have stowed away.

Funshine and Grumpy: Hugs and Tugs?

NC (v/o, as Braveheart Lion): Aw, man! Even people who like this show can't stand you two!

Grumpy Bear: I think they'd better stay here with Peter.

NC (v/o): So Peter is left behind to babysit them, but Hugs and Tugs seem to be quite the little worm-tongues.

Baby Hugs: We're supposed to stay here, remember?

Baby Tugs: But think of all the special Christmas tree ornaments we could find there!

NC (v/o): Okay, kids. I don't know what your weird ornament fetish is all about, but it's clearly not worth death. Actually, yes, it is. Happy hunting! Wave to anyone who looks dangerous! Have you considered wearing these jackets? (Shows a picture of a shirt with a target on the front.)

Holly: This story is really great!

Miss Walker: Thank you, Holly.

NC (v/o, as Holly): But-- don't we have some rehearsing to do?

NC (v/o, as Miss Walker): The rest of the evening will be Care Bears-related.

NC (v/o, as Chris): But I have to go home in five minutes!

NC (v/o, as Miss Walker): No, you don't! You're with me now.

Cut to still shots of Holly and Chris' supposedly shocked faces and Miss Walker.

NC (v/o): So the Vizier is trying to get information from the captured Sugar Plum Fairy about the location of the hidden magic ring that'll give him uncontrollable power. And... again, is it me or does this character look EXACTLY like the previous villain they had in the last Care Bears movie? (Footage of the "Evil Wizard" from The Care Bears: Adventures in Wonderland is shown.) Are the designers of these specials literally given no time to draw new characters?

NC (v/o, as animation director): WE NEED A NEW CARE BEARS VILLAIN IN TWENTY SECONDS!

NC (as one of the animators): Uh... (He draws Evil Vizier's costume on a still shot of the "Evil Wizard" from The Care Bears: Adventures in Wonderland.) It's not very good--

NC (v/o, as animation director): I DON'T CARE! (animator is stunned)

NC (v/o): So the Care Bears find the pussiest train they can with the cubs hopping aboard as well. The Vizier watches in dismay.

Evil Vizier: Your little wooden friend is doomed... and so is Toyland, and Christmas!

NC (v/o): Honestly, I'm starting to get the idea they just took the first take with every line on this guy.

NC (as Evil Vizier voice actor): "...and so is Toyland, and Christmas!" (clears throat) Okay, good vocal warmup; now let's do a real take.

NC (v/o, as voice director): Uh, we got it; we're good.

NC (as Evil Vizier voice actor): But that was the equivalent of me clearing my throat.

NC (v/o, as voice director): No, no-no-no, we're good.

NC (as Evil Vizier voice actor): You do realize I want to be hired by other people after this, don't you?

NC (v/o, as voice director): I DON'T CARE! (voice actor is stunned)

Commercial break.

We come back from commercial break.

NC (v/o): So they enjoy the treats from Toyland without even taking the wrappers off -- I don't give a shit -- as they ride through various enchanted locations -- many of them spelled wrong (zoom in on Candy Mountain sign, which is indeed misspelled "Candy Mountin") -- and continue to look around their unfinished Mario Kart levels.

Clown: ATTACK! ATTACK! (The toys come charging.)

NC (v/o): And welcome to an early preview of your nightmares tonight. It's like if cereal mascots were drawn with rat poison instead of ink. My particular favorite is this clown with horns on his head. Who would do that?!

Clown: We weren't attacking you; we just wanted your train.

Funshine Bear: (a little annoyed) There's a difference?!

Clown: Well, no. But if you were smart, you'd do what my friends and I are trying to do...

NC (v/o): Yeah, but--

Clown: Get out of Toyland!

NC (v/o): Yeah, but--

Nutcracker: But we're here to save Toyland!

NC (v/o): Yeah, but -- I'm sorry; why does he still have the horns on his head?! We realize now these were innocent creatures who were beat up and such, but what innocent creatures have horns on their heads? I mean -- okay, I'm not anti-horn, but... No, fuck people's sensibilities; I'm anti-horn! Who the fuck's gonna have horns on a head that's gonna be offended?

We cut to an office where this review is shown on TV, before we cut to Malcolm with horns on his head. (Of course!)

Malcolm with horns: Oh, honey, you won't believe what the Nostalgia Critic said about us!

Tamara with horns: SON OF A BITCH!

Back to the movie.

Funshine Bear: Who did this to you?!

Clown: It's a long story.

Tender Heart Bear: Well, we have all the time you need.

NC (v/o): Actually, you don't. Whether it's saving Toyland or finally wrapping up to do some fucking ballet rehearsing, time is not something you have an abundance of here.

The scene transitions to a recap of what happened in Toyland.

Raptor: Al... (NC pulls out a gun.) ...be going this way. (The Raptor backs offscreen.)