Care Bears 2
January 25, 2011
(NC looks very excited.)
NC: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to... (squeaks in excitement) And we're almost done, we're almost done! Sequel Month is almost over!
(Sequel Month intro plays.)
NC: I only have one more movie to review, just one more! And who knows? Maybe it'll be good! I mean, for crying out loud, you can't always judge a book by its cover--(Care Bears Movie II title card appears)--D'OH, EXCEPT THAT ONE--!
(Scenes from movie play.)
NC: (VO) Yes, Care Bears is another one of those classic "what the hell were you thinking?" moments of nostalgia. We all hate to admit it, but we did watch this lovey-dovey bullshit. And it has not aged well with time. (shows clips from first film) The first film was bad, but I gave it credit that at least it had some atmosphere, a decent pace, and a pretty cool villain. This film...ugh, let's just get Sequel Month over with...
NC: Let's dive right into The Care Bears Movie 2.
(Title card appears.)
NC: (VO) Actually, let me rephrase that: it's not The Care Bears Movie 2, it's just Care Bears Movie 2. I guess the word "the" was just cramping the title's style. And on top of that, it's not just Care Bears Movie 2, it's A New Generation.
NC: So, really, the opening should look like this.
(The screen cuts to the title of the movie done with the style and music of Star Trek: The Next Generation, with the credit "starring PATRICK STEWART as Fuzzy Wuzzy Has No Hair".)
NC: (VO) So as the credits roll, we see this ship in the middle of the ocean being handled by a bear and a horse. Isn't it always? They're taking care of a big bundle of babies that are sleeping down below. So I guess this is the new generation, right? Actually, no. It's the exact same generation, they're just all babies now. Well, that would make this a prequel then, right? Actually, no, 'cause the Care Bear Cousins like the lion, the penguin, and so forth, they're in there as well, even though the first film stated they have a completely different backstory! So, I guess the bear and horse are the parents, right? Actually no, because, well, how the fuck does a bear and a horse get together and produce a lion, a sheep, a penguin, and God knows what else?! And for that matter, how the hell did she squeeze all those little bastards out at the same time?! Her cooch must be hanging to the fucking floor! And, hi, what the fuck are they doing in the middle of the ocean with a bajillion fucking babies?!
NC: Fucking credits aren't even over and this movie makes no goddamn sense! It's Care Bears! It shouldn't be that hard to follow!
(Darkheart rises out of the ocean as a giant dragon.)
Caretakers: It's him!
NC: (VO) So another creature with no real origin pops up named Darkheart. We have no idea who he is, where he came from, or how he works, but...
NC: He's just evil. Woooooooo!
(The ship rises out of ocean on a rainbow.)
NC: (VO) (booming voice) God has you, Care Bears! Taste the holy rainbow of awesomeness, motherfuckers! Taste the holy rainbow of awesomeness!
Darkheart: No matter where you go, I will find you...
NC: (VO) So their boat gets an upgrade...(The boat turns into a cloud boat)...or...downgrade, and the Care Bears enter into...Carehalla, as we finally see who pulled them out of trouble.
(The Great Wishing Star appears as the Little Star and Heart Buddy fly next to him.)
Great Wishing Star: Well done, my little star and heart buddies.
NC: (face frozen) Uhhhhhh...
NC: (VO) Let me guess, we're never going to be told what that thing is. ("CORRECT!" appears on screen)
NC: Yeah, great, terrific. We're what, five minutes in and already NOBODY HAS ANY IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON!
NC: (VO) I mean, this "new generation" isn't a "new generation", the evil thing chasing them, we have no idea what it is, that creepy star face...Ew! I mean, why is this even called Care Bears 2? It's in no way continuing the story from the last movie! They're just changing it halfway through, and all the little kids are praying their parents are gonna know what's going on, but, fuck it, we don't have a clue! It's like doing Lord of the Rings and as soon as you hit The Two Towers, the author's like...
NC: (Author impression) Eh, fuck it, let's make Frodo a porcupine. Aragorn will be an Easy-Bake oven, and Sauron the Lord of Evil is now being replaced with a pencil sharpener. We'll never explain why but, fuck it, nobody will notice! (Normal voice) WELL, FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Star: Our search is now over. We have found two creatures whose love and kindness for others is so great that it sets them apart from the rest of the world.
NC: (as Star) By dragging these newborns into harsh, dangerous waters, you've shown just how much you truly care for them...(normal voice) that didn't sound right.
NC: (VO) So we do find out that the cubs are orphans, at least, though why an orphanage is on a boat in the middle of the water, I have no idea. And we're told their ultimate purpose.
Star: And as they have protected the little orphan cubs, they shall help others to share their feelings, and protect everyone from Darkheart's evil.
NC: Thanks, curiously non-denominational star god! We'll enjoy carrying out your incredibly vague quest!
NC: (VO) So the caretakers are now given the names Trueheart and Nobleheart. And they have the incredibly simple task of making everybody in the friggin' world feel better! Um, yeah, you may want to look into outsourcing, curiously non-denominational star god.
Baby Grumpy Bear: Oh, what am I to do?
NC: (VO) Thankfully, only one set of kids is having problems in the whole entire world, and that's John, Dawn, and Christy. I could've sworn that maybe some Afghan kids were feeling a little blue, but nope. Just seems to be these three. Lucky lucky.
Rival Camper: (wins a race against them) First back, I win! You three are last at everything. If you can't keep up, leave. After you do the trash duty. Ha ha ha!
NC: (VO) Yeah, I always love those camps that had no camp counselors and only let the kids call the shots. Things always turned out fair that way.
Christy: I hate being last and I hate being here!
Dawn: He's right, we'll always be last.
NC: (VO) So Christy decides to run away because she's not able to be what she's always dreamed. Can you guess what that is?
(Montage of Christy saying "camp champ" in various scenes plays.)
NC: I'm gonna say... a bitch!
NC: (VO) The other two kids decide to come with, but get lost along the way. Trueheart comes across the children and, in typical Care Bears fashion, they never question WHY THE FUCK A TALKING BEAR IS IN FRONT OF THEM!
Trueheart: Running away from a problem never solved anything. You two are just too worried about the things you can't do. Maybe you should think about all of the things you can do.
John: Like what?
NC: (as Trueheart) Like stopping producers from making movies based on characters from greeting cards! That'd be a great thing you can do!
NC: (VO) So Trueheart has a very weird idea by taking the two kids to their home and putting them to work looking after the babies because...child labor is a sign of caring, I guess.
(Dawn puts on a baby's diaper and slides him into a cloud crib as a song plays.)
Singer: Somehow it all works/though it's really not so rare./Give a little here./Give a little there...
NC: (VO) God, there's only so much cutesiness I can take! I mean, tell me, do they shit sprinkles or Lucky Charms? Because nothing else would make this crap any more schmaltzy!
NC: Seriously, who had the idea for this anyway? Even the devil couldn't think up something so terrible!
(A lightning bolt strikes and Sage appears dressed in a cheap devil costume.)
Sage: Funny you should mention that...
NC: You--you're the devil?
Sage: Really, who else could it be?
NC: Okay, fair enough, but, what the hell are you doing here?
Sage: Well, I've come to explain this unholy abomination that you humans call...Care Bears.
NC: Really? So you're the one who created Care Bears, huh? But how would you do that? It's harmless.
Sage: No, Critic, there are several subconscious messages that are being planted in little children's minds...
NC: Like what?
Sage: Well, for example
Sage: (VO) notice how the caretakers leave the children behind and these two little delinquents looking after them? Well, this is to show that being a deadbeat parent is okay.
NC: No kidding...
Sage: (VO) And abandoning your children who can't take care of themselves to be raised by other children who can't take care of themselves is the way of the future. Also, notice how the Care Bears always use magic to solve their problems. Well, this is to show the little children that the black arts are the path toward life, and should be used in more everyday occurrences.
NC: Good lord, are there more subconscious messages like that?
Sage: (laughs) You have no idea (demonic voice) I'm the devil! The devil! (evil laughter)
NC: Yeah, well, your head looks like it's coming out of a vagina.
Sage: (demonic voice) --HEY! THIS IS STYLISH!
NC: (VO) And speaking of the devil, we get another visit from Darkheart as he talks to Christy by turning himself into a boy. And just to make the coherency in this movie even more confusing, not only do the main two kids look like the main two kids from the first movie, but Darkheart is voiced by Nicholas from the first movie, and Christy is voiced by the girl from the first movie. As if this shit wasn't confusing enough already!
Darkheart: You are the camp champ, ain't ya?
Christy: No, I'm not.
Darkheart: Well, you sure could've fooled me.
Christy: Who are you?
(Scene from The Devil's Advocate plays.)
John Milton: I have so many names...
Darkheart: You wouldn't want to be the camp champ, would ya? I could fix it for ya.
Christy: I don't know.
Darkheart: There's only one catch, though.
NC: Your SOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUL! (lightning strikes)
Darkheart: It's no big deal. Sometime I'll drop by and ask you to return the favor. (The Godfather theme song begins to play in the background) And you just...do it. No questions asked. What do you say?
NC: (as Vito Corleone) Eh, come on, it's an offer you can't refuse, eh?
NC: (VO) So Darkheart makes her dream come true and she's suddenly a sports all-star. By the way, am I the only one who thinks Darkheart sounds like the Evil Dead demons?
Darkheart: (demonic voice) Beware, Trueheart, soon I'll be coming for you...
(Scene from Evil Dead II plays.)
Demon: We are the things that were and shall be again...
NC: (VO) I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't steal the continuity from the Evil Dead movies as well!
Narrator: Knowing that it was only a matter of time before Darkheart found them, Nobleheart and Trueheart moved the little cubs to a safer place.
NC: (VO) And seeing how in a later scene Darkheart finds them anyway, this was completely pointless. So years go by as the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins all grow up into their adult form, yet somehow the children on Earth never change'!
NC: What, is their some sort of space-time continuum thing that Care-A-Lot is pulling off?!
(Sage appears with a lightning bolt.)
Sage: Actually, this is all once again a part of my plan.
NC: Oh what, the whole time change thing is part of your plan?
Sage: Yes. You see...
Sage: (VO) When the girl made that deal with Darkheart, it caused time to slow down for her, no doubt showing that a deal with the devil has many perks and benefits. Like living forever! (evil laughter)
(Text on screen: "Looking to Sell Your Soul? Only Costs 1 Soul plus tax. You can trust him, he's the Devil. Call the Devil! 1-800-ITS-JUST-YOUR-SOUL. May Ask for Favor Later, No Questions Asked.")
Sage: (VO) If you would like to sell you soul today, just dial this number. Whether it be power and glory or being the camp champ, all opportunities are open to you.
NC: Piss off!
Sage: Remember, if it ain't the devil, it ain't worth Hell!
(Sage smiles as the text appears onscreen again.)
NC: (VO) So, yeah, like I said before, even though they moved all the way to Care-a-lot, Darkheart finds them anyway. How? Only the baked minds of the writers could answer that for you. He claims he's there to fix the Caring Meter, which it turns out is really broken. Um...good timing, I guess.
Tenderheart: We're having a party!
Darkheart: Who likes games?
Various Care Bears: Oh! Oh! Me!
Darkheart: Blind man's bluff is down there, and leapfrog is up there. (Care Bears scatter) Time for a game of disappearing bears...
NC: (laughs) I don't know why, I really love the way he says that one line.
Darkheart: Time for a game of disappearing bears...
NC: (VO) It almost sounds like he's channeling Christopher Walken, it just cracks me up.
Darkheart: Time for a game of disappearing bears...
(Scene from The Country Bears plays.)
Reed Thimple: (while being taken away by the crowd) This is not over! (beat) BEARS!
NC: (VO) So Darkheart plans to capture all of the Care Bears together with...a bag. The Lord of Evil's secret weapon is a bag. Hey, here's a crazy idea, uh, remember when you turned into that giant killer dragon before? Um, why don't you just do that again?! I mean, I know it's not as subtle as a bag, but I think it would still be much more effective.
Tenderheart: We're terribly sorry.
Share Bear: Can we give you a hand?
(Scene from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith plays.)
Palpatine: No, no, NO! You will die!
Darkheart: Keep your kindness and affection to yourselves! (turns into red cloud)
Tenderheart: It's Darkheart!
NC: (VO) So Darkheart shows off his true form, but luckily Trueheart and Nobleheart are there to lead the attack against him.
Darkheart: (as Care Bears attack him with Care Bear Stare) Nooooo--! ...You have won today, but I'll be baaaaaaaaack!
(Scene from Spider-Man plays.)
Green Goblin: We'll meet again, Spider-Man!
NC: (VO) So Nobleheart and Trueheart try to track him down and defeat him once and for all, leaving the rest of the Care Bears to look after the Earth. But Darkheart goes back to Christy to (as Vito Corleone) ask about that favor she promised him...
Darkheart: I want to trap the Care Bears, and I have a plan. The world must learn to fear me...DAAAAAARKHEAAAAART!
NC: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been saying his name wrong the whole time. It isn't Darkheart, it's (demonic voice) DAAAAAARKHEEEEEEAAAAART!
Christy: And what if I refuse to help you? What then?
Darkheart: Do you want to go back to being the little girl who never won anything? The one who always came in last?
Christy: Oh, no!
NC: Yes, it's either help the lord of darkness rule the Earth, or be pissy-poor at sports. DON'T MAKE HER CHOOSE!!
NC: (VO) So, of course, like an idiot, she agrees and they go riding into the night.
Darkheart: (turns into wolf) Come now. We're wasting time. (takes Christy on his back and rides away)
NC: (VO) (as Christy) Hey, this is a lot like those Twilight movies--(as Darkheart) NO, IT'S NOT! WE'RE BUTCH COMPARED TO THAT SHIT! (normal) So Christy and (demonic voice) DAAAAAARKHEAAAAART! (normal) plan a trap for the bears by making it look like she's stuck in a canoe.
NC: (VO) Um, is this really a Care Bear-related matter? I mean, it's not like she doesn't care that she's in the canoe. (Darkheart shoots lightning at Care Bears cloud cars, causing the cars to disappear and the bear to fall into a bag) Yay! He got to use his fucking little bag! I guess it can make a handy weapon if you force it on the scenario.
(Darkheart turns back into human form in the canoe.)
Care Bears: It's Darkheart!
NC: You mean (demonic voice) DAAAAAARKHEAAAAART!
Braveheart: Well, we can't just sit here! We have to help that little girl!
Friend Bear: Secret Bear and I saw her throw her paddles into the water! She's working with Darkheart!
Darkheart: Why so glum, Christy? You're doing a great job. There'll be no one left to stop me! (stands up in boat, and then falls, hits his head on the boat and then falls out into the water)
NC: (VO) Wow. (demonic voice) DAAAAAARKHEAAAAART! (normal) is a bit of klutz, isn't he? (Christy dives into the water and saves Darkheart) But luckily, Christy has a soft spot for atanic spawns of darkness.
Darkheart: You saved me... Why?
Christy: You're still a person.
Darkheart: If you knew what was good for you, you would've left me...
NC: (VO) Yeah, I have to admit, tripping and hitting your head on a canoe is a pretty funny way to go for the ruler of all evil.
(Cut back to giant star, dubbed over with NC.)
NC: (as Star) What's that? ...He hit his head on a canoe and drowned? ...Huh. I can't believe we were actually afraid of this guy. ...Well, let's break out the peppermint Schnapps.
NC: (VO) So just like the first film, (demonic voice) DAAAAAARKHEAAAAART! (normal) turns all the people in the world into jerks.
Narrator: With Christy's help, Darkheart had trapped almost every one of the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins.
NC: (VO) How?! I mean, did she really keep calling for help and those fuzzy little idiots kept going after her? How many times do you fall for that?!
Tenderheart: Each time we go to help someone in trouble, that someone could be Christy setting another trap.
NC: Hey, here's an idea! Why don't you just not go after Christy? I mean, this is really simple! If you hear her screaming, just don't go! How fucking hard is that?!
Christy: (offscreen, NC's imitation) Help!
NC: Nope. Not interested. Nope.
Christy: Oh, somebody help me!
NC: No, no, no. I can't hear you.
Christy: Help! Somebody help! Please! Help! (NC starts to look nervous) Somebody help me! Oh I can't get out of this situation...whatever it is! Help me!
NC: (heroically) DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOU! (walks off screen) Oh my God, a bag! (thump)
NC: (VO) So the Care Bears get the two kids together and decide to put a stop to (demonic voice) DAAAAAARKHEAAAAART! (normal)'s evil. They end up at his hideout, which, conveniently enough, happens to be right at the campground.
(Braveheart sends Star Buddy up into the sky where he lights up.)
Tenderheart: There's Braveheart's signal!
(Cut to painting of The Three Wise Men.)
All Wise Men: Awww!
Wise Man #1: We thought it was something else!
NC: (VO) So they go into Skeletor's workout basement only to find that (demonic voice) DAAAAAARKHEAAAAART! (normal) is there waiting for them.
(Care Bears are locked in cages.)
Darkheart: Now I have you all!
Braveheart: You can't keep us in here, Darkheart!
Darkheart: Oh, I don't intend to. I have a very special place all set up. (yawns) But that will keep until after I've rested.
NC: (VO) Yeah, I guess the lord of darkness is...sleepy. Kind of odd. You'd think he'd be more awake for the destruction of his mortal enemy. But that little star and heart come in to pick the locks.
Tenderheart: Good work! ...Oh, no, Little Star Buddy can't unlock all these doors!
Braveheart: You're right, and we don't have much time.
NC: (as Braveheart) Well, I guess the rest of you gotta die. Toodles! (leaves)
NC: (VO) No, they go to get the key from around his neck, as he keeps changing shape as he snoozes. Any logical person would just squash the bastard while he's a frog, but (cutesy voice) that wouldn't be caring enough! (normal) But the plan backfires as he banishes all the Care Bears into little red crystals. The kids show up and see the evil he's done, Christy included. And the caretakers show up as well.
Nobleheart: The time has come to put an end to your evil trickery.
NC: ...What was that? Did he just lay an egg?
(Plays original scene then dubs Darkheart with sound of a chicken laying an egg and clucking.)
NC: (VO) So Christy gets zapped, but manages to use her marbles and get the chandelier down. (chandelier comes down and frees all of the Care Bears) It was a good thing she knew that would work, and not...shatter them into a million bloody pieces.
(Care Bears attack Darkheart.)
Darkheart: NOOOOOO! (fights back against them, then notices Christy lying on the floor) Oh, no! What have I done? (transforms back to human form and goes to her side)
NC: (VO) (as Darkheart) No, really, what have I done? I...I don't know what this is.
Darkheart: Help me, Care Bears!
Caretakers: We can't!
Nobleheart: It would take more love and caring than even we have!
Darkheart: If you can't help...who...can?
NC: Nobody, she's screwed. Bye! (starts to leave but is interrupted)
Dawn: We care! We all really care!
Trueheart: If all of us, and everyone everywhere all care together, it just might be enough to save Christy!
NC: (VO) (as Trueheart) And when we say "everywhere", we mean specifically the few dollar theaters that were desperate enough to show this film!
Care Bears: We care...we care...(continues through Trueheart's dialogue)
Trueheart: (to camera) (cuts several times to NC looking increasingly emotional) If you have ever cared, do it now. Help us. Tell us you care. Tell your friend next to you that you care. Tell them how much you care. Tell them again. Say it. Shout it! Help us! We care.
NC: I BELIEVE IN SANTA CHRIST!!
(cut to Santa Christ reading magazine.)
Santa Christ: What?
NC: Oh, nothing, sorry. Um...force of habit.
Santa Christ: Oh, okay. (continues reading magazine) ...f*cking bears!
NC: (offscreen) I know the feeling.
Darkheart: I care. I care!
NC: Now, just out of curiosity, Devil Sage, what evil underlining message were you trying to get across here?
Sage: ...More abortions.
NC: What? This is recommending abortions?!
Sage: Yes. I'm actually surprised you don't see the connection, really. You see, the girl is like the fetus, and the Care Bears are like the scalpel--
NC: Okay, never mind--! Let's just get through this!
NC: (VO) Of course, Christy comes back to life, despite your inevitable empty silence, and everything seems to be all right.
(Scenes of the Care Bears, the kids, and Darkheart celebrating, than the hideout starts to collapse. The screen takes on the HUD and the background music of the escape sequence at the end of Super Metroid. After the group escapes the hideout, scene of planet exploding from the end of Super Metroid plays.)
NC: (VO) ...Okay, that didn't happen, but they do escape in time and find that everybody's okay.
Christy: (to Darkheart) Your eyes! Look!
Darkheart: (looks in mirror) I'm a boy...a real boy! Whoopee!
NC: (VO) So it turns out the evil hellspawn all this time just wanted to be a real little boy. Who knew? Hell, maybe even Pinocchio has a similar backstory.
(scene from Pinocchio plays.)
Pinocchio: I'm a real boy! (his face is replaced by a growling demon for a moment with the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer lion sound effect played over)
NC: (VO) So they have a little song, go swimming in the pool together and...then we get this scene.
(Completely unconnected scene of Grumpy Bear and Braveheart in a cloud boat plays interspersed with flashbacks of the Care Bears as babies.)
Singer: My wishing star has guided all you do/My empty heart you fill/We still feel forever young.
NC: (VO) (as director) Sorry, folks, but the movie theaters were very specific about a 90-minute running time. It's basically over, this is all just filler. You can leave now if you want.
Singer: This love will keep protecting us...
NC: (VO) (as director) Really, it's just more of this, we're not building up to anything.
Singer: ...I'll take your hand/And we'll be forever young.
("The End" appears and the credits roll slowly.)
NC: (VO) (as director) See? Told you. Hell, we're even going to run the credits as slow as a snake! Thanks for watching, and remember, you paid money for this!
NC: So that's Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation, and, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...it's not as good as the original.
NC: (VO) And, of course, the first film is bad, but it did have a three-act structure and some understanding of character. This movie's just a mess and a bore. Outside of maybe the kid characters, no one in this movie is given enough screen time to build any character development. I mean, even very basic development. The story's all over the map, that is, when it's not just rehashing the first movie again, and, of course, there's a million confusing plotholes about the basic origins of these guys. It's just a lame, lame movie.
NC: All these sequels were lame! If I had my way, I'd have them eradicated from my memory!
(Sage appears again in a lightning bolt.)
Sage: I can make that possible...
NC: Really? You can?
Sage: Yes. It is totally within my power.
NC: Oh, God, that'd be wonderful! Go ahead and do it!
Sage: (demonic voice) By the powers of darkness...by the minions of hell...by the--(normal) Did you really think I was the devil?
Sage: The devil! Did you really think I was the devil? I was the frickin' devil...?! I bought this costume at a frickin' Walmart!
NC: Oh. You're--you're not the devil then, huh?
NC: Oh, what a shame. I was gonna give you everything to get rid of these sequels...
NC: Yeah, everything.
Sage: Um...congratulations! You passed the...I'm...not...the devil test...you passed with flying colors. I was just testing to see how strong your faith really was.
NC: How does that work?
Sage: Never mind! Anyway, I can remove all these memories of all these bad sequels, and all you have to do is wire every bit of your money into my PayPal account.
NC: (hits a few keys on his computer offscreen) Done!
Sage: (brings up his account on his cell phone) Wow.
NC: So you'll get rid of all the sequels from my memory?
Sage: (still looking at his cell phone) Oh, yeah...sure. (snaps his fingers)
NC: Oh...oh, yes...oh, I can feel them perishing from my mind!
Sage: (still looking at his cell phone) Yeah. It'll do that.
NC: Oh, it's incredible! ...Oh! And they're totally gone! That's unbelievable! Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Elzabub?!
Sage: (looks up from cell phone) Hm? Oh, uh...jump off a cliff or something.
NC: (salute) Yes, sir! (walks offscreen) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH...
Sage: (looks shocked) ...my God...maybe I am the devil! (looks thoughtful as video ends)
Darkheart: Time for a game of disappearing bears...