Captain N: The Game Master

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. ... I love whores. I love everything about them. How willing they are to sell their souls for money, and how cheerful they can be in the process. ... Oh, I'm not talking about the people who sell their bodies. No no no. I'm talking about media whores.

Clips of images show up as the Critic continues talking

NC: The people who create stories and ideas solely for the purpose of selling their products. In the late 80s, and especially the early 90s, there was no bigger brothel for media whores than Nintendo. Now, before you go nuts, I LOVE Nintendo. Who doesn't? It's like the greatest video game company in the world, but that doesn't mean they haven't sold out time after time when it came to their spin-off products, mostly in television and movie development. Time after time, Nintendo has put out horribly written and horribly executed shows and films that had no real interest in actually entertaining the viewer, but rather just selling more Nintendo games and accessories.

NC: And heeeeere's another one!

Announcer: Captain N, the Game Master.

NC: Ah yes. Captain N, the Game Master. The Saturday morning TV show that instantly made you want to play more Nintendo games. Why? BECAUSE ANYTHING WAS BETTER THAN WATCHING THIS PISS POOR PUTRID PILE OF PIXELATED PIGSHIT! So get out your Nintendo blasters and gamepads. We're gonna look at Captain N.

The intro begins playing

NC: So lets take a look at the story of this show. It seems everything takes place in a fictional realm called Video Land.

Announcer: Welcome to Video Land.

MegaMan: Mega Hi.

NC: Yes, I'd imagine you'd have to be in order to watch this. It turns out that the Palace of Power is under attack by evil forces carrying evil pizza cutters. I would insert that "O-B-O" sound effect here, but I don't need to. They already put it in.

Soldiers: O-B-O. O-B-O.

NC: I do love it when the show makes the jokes for me. So the evil forces are led by King Hippo from the game, Punch-Out; Eggplant Wizard, from Kid Icarus; and Mother Brain, from Metroid.

Mother Brain: It won't be long before I, beautiful goddess that I am...

NC: Good, god. It's like if my mucus became a drag queen. [Mother Brain laughs evilly] By the way, tell me if that sassy voice sounds familiar.

Mother Brain: Then I'll be the beautiful queen of Video Land.

Audrey II: Does this look inanimate to you, punk!

NC: That's right! It's the plant, from Little Shop of Horrors. I guess he's just always playing genderly ambiguous monsters with no feet

Mother Brain: One human alone could never beat me.

NC: So this is what happens when you cross Joan Rivers with Tina Turner.

Mother Brain: That's right!

NC: Meanwhile, inside the Palace of Power, we see the other video game characters trying to protect the palace, like MegaMan.

MegaMan: A pleasure to serve you, your worship. You get a low score for this game. If Kid Icarus trusts you, I trust you.

NC: It's like if Popeye smoked an entire Marlboro factory

Back to the characters

NC: Kid Icarus, who would later be known in the gaming world as Pit.

Kid Icarus: She's very much upset-icus. My arrows will stop that ape-icus maximus. Speaking of her highnicus.

NC: Yeah, you probably caught on that his funny thing is saying "-icus" at the end of words. In-fucking-genious!

Kid Icarus: There's someone at the door-icus. You can count of me, Princess-icus. You big ape-icus.

NC: My testicus haven't dropped-icus.

Finally

NC: And Simon Belmont, from the Castlevania games.

Simon: Megaman, shine my boots. Kid Icarus, I could use a little trim. Not too much off the top.

NC: Oh, Simon. What have they done to you?

Simon: I know.

NC: They took this cool badass of a superhero and turned him into a foppy, egotistical, gay-wod.

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