(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing images of Captain Marvel from the online game, Marvel Powers United VR)
Doug (vo): The only knowledge I had of Captain Marvel before I saw the movie was, there's this VR game I would play, where she was by far the best character. I always hear she's the character that Rogue steals the powers from, but I don't know if that's the same one or not. I'm going more by bare bone characteristics what we know about her, and from the VR game, it looks like she's confident, funny, a little cocky, and a jet pilot that knows how to kick ass with her superpowers.
(Now we are shown clips from Captain Marvel)
Doug (vo): Boy, I wish that's what I got here. T-that is to say, I'm sure that's what this movie wanted to be, but what we finally got is really...oh, what are the words I'm looking for? Pandering and boring. A lot of people have tried to compare this to Wonder Woman, which, in my opinion, is apples and oranges, but I guess I get it. It's the first big female superhero in this lineup. DC has Wonder Woman, Marvel has Captain Marvel, and, man, they couldn't be more opposite, 'cause Wonder Woman was awesome, and this is...not.
Story and reviewEdit
Doug (vo): The story is, boring Captain Marvel is being trained by boring Jude Law on this boring alien planet that looks like every other boring alien planet, and they have to stop this evil boring alien race, which leads her to boring old Earth, where boring young Samuel L. Jackson is. Give credit that a lot of the movie is not her trying to convince him that she's an alien, he picks up on it pretty quick. But take away that credit when you find the whole movie is gonna be told out of order. Why? Because this is every Marvel movie you've seen with nothing new added, so...this will hopefully make it new. (After a beat, Doug starts speaking quicker and in a monotone, deadpan manner) It doesn't. It makes it even blander. I don't know why people think if you just move things around, suddenly, it'll be deeper. (The poster for Man of Steel is shown) You have to actually tell the story in an interesting way, and deliver the information in an interesting way, and that's not what this does, 'cause... (Speaks normally again) ...we've seen these movies! We've seen these Marvel movies where they go through the exact same things. They just move it around, and that doesn't really change much.
(Footage focusing on Carol Danvers/Captain Marvel is shown)
Doug (vo): At the center of this film's problems is Brie Larson, who, sadly, does not come across as the superhero type at all. I say "sadly", because in a couple scenes, she can be kind of charming. I like when she first lands on Earth and she kind of comedically tries to figure out where she is, talking to people, and those scenes work okay. But when she has to act tough or in charge or emotional or anything like that, it just doesn't work. It's actually almost laughable.
(A scene showing an emotional Carol discovering the truth about her past is shown)
Carol Danvers: (to Talos) He lied to me. Your people are terrorists. They kill innocents. I don't even know who I am!
Doug (vo): At first, I thought maybe Brie Larson was never that good, but I went back and I watched... (A poster for Room and an image of Brie Larson's character from Kong: Skull Island are both shown) ...Room again and I saw Kong: Skull Island for the first time, and...yeah, not only could she take a really well-written role and make it even more interesting, but she could take a very relative run-of-the-mill role and actually make it very charming. I like her in both these movies, so maybe it's just the direction, which wouldn't surprise me.
(Several clips focusing on Carol's powers are shown)
Doug (vo): There's a subplot in this movie I'm really getting tired about, with her powers being tied to her emotions. Yeah, haven't heard that yet, have you? Tell me more, Tetsuo, Elsa, Fire Princess, whoever else you want to throw in that category. Honestly, it wouldn't even be that bad if there was some emotion to focus on. They keep saying, "You have to keep your anger under control, you can't emote that much", and she already isn't. Like, they say she can only use her powers when she's really angry, and every time she uses them, she doesn't seem that angry. She doesn't even seem interested half the time.
(Clips showing the scene where Carol fully discovers her past memories are shown)
Doug (vo): When we finally get to, I guess, the emotional climax of the film, it shows all these scenes of her falling down and then getting up, like, "Yeah, she never gave up." That was the moral of the story? It was? This ties in less to the movie and more feels like a Disney commercial on girl empowerment. Can't you see them saying, "I am a princess. I am strong. I am brave" while all this is going on?
(A 2013 Disney commercial about girl qualities plays out mixed in with clips of a younger Carol getting back up in several situations)
Commercial Girl: I am a princess. Sometimes, I am brave even when I am scared. I believe in loyalty and trust.
(Several clips focusing on Talos and the Skrull race are shown)
Doug (vo): The only thing that's kind of new, and I won't go too much into detail about, is these aliens. Without giving away too much, we find out there is kind of a secret to them, and, yeah, I don't really see that much in movies about these kind of aliens, so I like that.
Doug (vo): But aside from that, you can predict every character arc, every one-liner, every scene where they're supposed to be surprising you, but they don't really, because we've seen it a million times in other Marvel movies. Is it the absolute worst? No. And honestly, I know a lot of people who enjoy this, and if you do, great. I can't really think of anything godawful in it that's gonna mess anyone up by watching it. But for me, it just felt boring, stale, and awkward. A shame, because this looks like a really cool superhero. When she puts that little helmet on and has the mohawk, it's like, "Hell, yeah, I want to see what's up with this character." But if this is really the most that can be explored with her... (A brief shot of the opening Marvel Studios logo which shows various clips of Stan Lee's cameos in the MCU is shown) ...then I say the altered logo at the beginning is the most feels you're gonna get out of it.
(A final clip of Carol floating above the Earth and into the space is shown)