Captain Electron #1
July 16, 2012
The next generation of hero for the 1980s!
Holokara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. You know, superheroes are not salesmen.
(Cut to a shot of the cover for "Superman and Wonder Woman: Tandy Computer Whiz Kids")
Holokara (v/o): How much money did Tandy Computers drop into having Superman, Wonder Woman and Supergirl promote their stuff alongside the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids?
(Cut to a shot of the cover for "Tandy Computer Whiz Kids: Fit to Win")
Holokara (v/o): Hell, how much did they actually make off of the promotion? Well, they must have made some money off of them, since those comics apparently lasted for several years.
(Cut to a shot of the cover for "Captain Tax Time #1")
Holokara (v/o): But then you've got stuff like "Captain Tax Time", which was not only propaganda about how (mockingly) evil the government was with its taxes, but also tried to promote a business for helping people with their taxes.
(Cut to a shot of an ad inside the comic, showing off the business in question: Tax Time Tax Services)
Holokara (v/o): How successful was that? Well, let me put it this way: as several people have informed me, their offices are now a karate school.
(Cut to the cover of "The Adventures of the Kool-Aid Man #1")
Holokara (v/o): Stuff that already had an existing mascot, yeah, I still think they're insanely stupid, like the Kool-Aid Man comics, but at least you have an existing character doing this.
(Cut to the cover for "Superman Meets the Quik Bunny")
Holokara (v/o): Like I said, I'm pretty sure they didn't make people very much money in the long term, though I could be wrong. People have had superheroes promoting products before, no matter how goofy it is.
(Cut to a clip of a McDonald's commercial for the Superhero Burger as a promotional tie-in for Batman Forever)
Alfred Pennyworth: (to Batman) Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I'll get drive-thru.
(He gets in the Batmobile and drives off, then cut to the Superhero Burger)
Commercial Announcer: Introducing McDonald's Superhero Burger.
Holokara: But where did you get the idea that inventing a new superhero right from the get-go would be a way to sell your stuff? Well, maybe the idea was just so awesome that they thought they could sell their product while also producing a great comic. (beat) HA!
(Cut to an ad in a comic, for Brick Computer Science Institute, hosted by a new superhero, Captain Electron)
Holokara (v/o): And that's where we are today, my friends: a superhero comic to promote the Brick Computer Science Institute. And how great a school it must've been before it closed its doors in 2011. Why, here's some of the feedback from former students...
(Cut to black, save for various messages, which Holokara reads. First...)
Holokara (v/o): "This school was the biggest joke. I can't believe we all fell for the trick. Joke's on us, I'm still 9000 in debt."
Holokara (v/o): "This school ruined our lives. In debt for last 8 years."
Holokara (v/o): "They screwed up my financial aid, and then sent me a bill for $2,000, which is now on my credit report."
Holokara (v/o): "I recently received a letter from a shady collection agency stating that I still owe BCSI $6,000! The bill they sent me shows that BCSI may have been charging my account even 2 years after I had officially left."
Holokara (v/o): "The teachers were changed constantly – from bad to good and then were fired, came back, etc. This wouldn't matter if they were decent, but we'd get 2 teachers or so for Class Module and then the teachers would have no clue where we were, learning wise, and we'd lose time."
Holokara (v/o): "I had told the former Dean numerous times not to hire many of the instructors that did not qualify to be there. He ignored my warnings, falsified their resumes so it appeared that they qualified as per the ACCSCT. He was eventually fired when it came to light that he was committing fraud to the financial agencies."
(Cut back to the ad for BCSI in the Captain Electron comic)
Holokara (v/o): To be fair, a lot of these complaints and reviews that I read came from the mid-'90s until the school's closing and that it actually started out in the '70s as a decent, trustworthy and worthwhile organization.
Holokara: But we're not here to talk about the business itself. We're here to talk about a superhero! So let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Captain Electron #1"!
(AT4W title sequence plays; title card has an ad for the Commodore 64 playing in the background)
Commercial announcer: The Commodore 64 has more built-in memory than the others, and it's under $600. So, while everyone else talks about the revolution that's coming, you can experience the revolution...
(Cut to the cover of this comic)
Holokara (v/o): Oh, me, oh, my, this cover! (sighs) This is a cover that works in theory, but unfortunately, the end result is less than effective. First of all, Captain Electron himself. Generic blue outfit and red cape, I understand, but why does he have the same chest symbol as The Flash? Also, this is gonna be an aesthetic thing that people may disagree with me on, but that cape chain around his neck looks terrible! It shouldn't be right around his neck like that, since he just has this shirt that exposes the base of his neck. Plus, with how tight it looks around his neck, it kind of seems like it's choking him, which would probably explain why it seems like he's looking off in two directions. Also, what the hell is he carrying? Is that asphalt from the road? Is he using that to attack someone?
(Cut to a shot of an issue of "Warrior")
Ultimate Warrior: Let's asphalt this asshole...
(Cut back to the "Captain Electron" comic)
Holokara (v/o): But we have barely begun with this cover. Ignoring the random guy just standing on a roof behind him, who also seems to be having trouble keeping his eyes focused on one thing, we have the introduction of "the high-tech mechanical genius, MR. COMPUTER". Take a good, long look, my friends!
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The Undead)
Crow: Good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.
(Back to the comic again)
Holokara (v/o): There are so many things I can say about Mr. Computer, first and foremost that I'm not sure where exactly he's standing. Also, that he has has ears that grow out of his monitor and that his legs and arms have sleeves and pants that come from nowhere. Also, a bow tie because bow ties are cool.
Holokara: There's a word I'm looking for to describe a being like Mr. Computer. (looks up in thought while stroking his chin) Now, what was it? (brightens up) Oh, right! (screams his head off at this sight)
Text: A NEW HERO FOR THE 1980S.
Holokara: (dramatically) Because no other hero was made in the 1980s!
Text: Set in the Fascinating World of COMPUTER SCIENCE!
(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang, this time watching Puma Man)
Tom Servo: It's fascinating.
(Cut back to the comic)
Holokara (v/o): We open with our glimpse of hell that is Mr. Computer. He has a top hat now on top of everything else, which admittedly helps make a much classier demonic creature.
Holokara: I swear, if I ever have to change my reviewer outfit, I'm gonna find a way to include a top hat, because top hats are awesome.
Mr. Computer: Hi. I'm Mr. Computer.
Holokara: Hi! I'm frightened of you!
Mr. Computer: Welcome to my world of high technology. I have a wonderful story to tell you that I know you will enjoy.
Holokara: (as Mr. Computer) I call it "Rule 34: The Musical"!
Mr. Computer: First I want to give you some background information on the marvelous world of computer science. I know you will be thrilled as you learn how this wonderful device developed through the years.
Holokara: No, I really won't. My fans seem to get upset when a comic brings up computer history and I try to talk about it.
Mr. Computer: Computer science has changed the way all of us live. The modern industrial world would come to a virtual standstill if all the computers in the country were to suddenly shut down.
Holokara: (as Obi-Wan Kenobi) I feel... a disturbance... as if millions of IT departments cried out at once... and then were suddenly silenced.
Holokara (v/o): And like the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids, this one gives us a lecture on computer history. I'm not an expert, so I won't comment on the accuracy of it. All it says is that the first electronic computer was invented by John V. Atanasoff in Iowa, and he named it an "A.B.C.", or "Atanasoff-Barry Computer".
Mr. Computer: Dr. Atanasoff thought of his invention as an aid to mathematicians and accountants. But then, in 1937, no one could have imagined the numerous things that computers would eventually accomplish.
Holokara: (as Mr. Computer) Things like video games, porno sites, or online critics who complain about various forms of media.
Holokara (v/o): This goes on for seven pages, by the way. Seven pages of computer history being narrated to us by a computer with a face! Speaking of the patron hell baron of computers, I have some more questions. What operating system does run? Does he even have an operating system, what with this being from 1986? Who made him, or did he just evolve naturally? He doesn't have any cable for power, so how does he eat? Considering the placement of his body, is his keyboard supposed to be his crotch? Does a computer even have a gender? I guess he does, since he is a "mister", after all. Whatever. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, computers.
Mr. Computer: (narrating) Meanwhile, J. Presper Eckert and Dr. John Mauchly, inventers [sic] of the Eniac, realized that the electronic computer had a potential much greater than anything it had been used for up to that time.
Eckert: Yes, John, I'm convinced we can do it.
Holokara: (as Eckert) This computer will be the perfect footstool!
Holokara (v/o): I'm skipping through a lot of this, since really, you don't need to be told this by abominations against God, man and machine alike.
Mr. Computer: (narrating) By early 1957, IBM was the world's leader in construction of automatic data processing machines.
Man: That proves it, Mr. Watson. We're now number one in the production of computers for industry and science.
Holokara: (as this man) And yet, when I tell women that at parties, they're not impressed. It's weird.
Mr. Watson: The entire nation will benefit from this.
Holokara: (as Mr. Watson) Someday, Weird Al may even create a song parody about the computer processor we invent.
Holokara (v/o): Moving on, they talk about the problems with different computer languages before they eventually invented COBOL, then transistors to replace vacuum tubes, and then microchips.
Man: Hundreds of thousands of pieces of information stored on this tiny chip, and it can all be called up for immediate use.
Holokara: (as this man) And I'm sure every bit of information stored on it will be perfectly legal and not pirated at all.
Holokara (v/o): And thus, our seven-page preview of technology we could be utilizing right now instead of reading a stupid comic book comes to an end.
Mr. Computer: The story you are about to see takes place in a real institution, in the state of New Jersey. It involves real people too.
(Cut to a shot of the opening of Dragnet)
Narrator: The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
(Back to the comic again)
Holokara (v/o): The story opens on Captain Electron holding two guys up, one of them up in the air while the other is in a lock under his arm.
Holokara: (as Capt. Electron, imitating his pose) God, I love being super strong! I'm gonna give (looks to his right) you a noogie (looks to his left) with your head! (makes a noogie motion)
Holokara (v/o): However, this splash page is, like so many other comics, just a preview of things to come, although it's not really building suspense, since all we see is that Captain Electron can kick the asses of everybody, so what's even the point? We start things off properly in a mansion in Morristown, New Jersey.
Narrator: Within the supposedly abandoned mansion, Dr. Manfred Zongor, arch criminal, discusses plans with his underlings.
Holokara: "Dr. Manfred Zongor"... (smacks lips) You know, some people are just born to be supervillains. I really hope he's been planning all this since childhood. Also, his name being Dr. Zongor means that one could also call him... Dr. Z.
(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang watching Blood Waters of Dr. Z)
Crow: (singing) Oh, Dr. Z, won't you love me?
Holokara: (eyes shifting around) I'm making a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 references in this episode. Weird.
Holokara (v/o): Anyway, our trusted Dr. Zongor explains what's up.
Dr. Zongor: Somewhere in the pine barrens of South Jersey, the U.S. government has buried a stock pile of rare plutonium.
Holokara: As opposed to that common plutonium you can pick up at the Quik Stop.
Henchman: But the pine barrens cover a big chunk of territory. How do we know where to look for it?
Dr. Zongor: We're going to do it through computer science!
Holokara: The fascinating world of computer science, kids! (gives a thumbs-up) It's a tool for evil!
Dr. Zongor: Edward Zapp, the director of Brick Computer Science Institute, in Brick Town, is an authority on computer science. He will program a computer print of a map which will tell us exactly where the plutonium is, and how to dig it up!
Holokara: Ah, yes, in the days when computers just did whatever the hell you wanted them to do, even if it didn't make any sense.
Holokara (v/o): He tells his henchmen to go and kidnap Edward Zapp... which they immediately do. He's just some guy walking down the streets who gets grabbed by guys in suits like they were 1920s gangsters and he's pulled into a car. Fortunately, Aunt May is walking nearby, who screams for the police because Zapp has been kidnapped.
Narrator: One hour later, the mysterious figure of Captain Electron hurtles through the sky on his V-thrust drive.
Holokara (v/o): "V-thrust drive"? The hell? He flies down to the Brick Computer Science Institute, where a bunch of cops are already in the area. The students all recognize him, but not the cops.
Capt. Electron: Right---Has anyone received a message from Edward Zapp's kidnappers?
Inspector: Look, mister, I'm handling this investigation, and I don't need help from a guy in a funny costume!
Holokara (v/o): You just saw this guy flying! Be impressed, damn it!
Capt. Electron: I understand your position, Inspector, but I assure you I'm on the side of the law, and I believe I can help in this situation.
Inspector: We're the professionals and we're going to do handle this matter in our own way!
Holokara: (as Inspector) You're a loose cannon, Electron! Now get out of here! The mayor's been on my ass all day to solve this case!
Holokara (v/o): Despite the warnings from Inspector... Inspector, Captain Electron goes into the school to ask some people if anyone has heard from the kidnappers. The assistant director tells him they've heard nothing, and since Zapp wasn't rich, it's unlikely he's being held for ransom. Instead, he [Captain Electron] figures it's for his knowledge! As such, he hands the students a signal button that they should press if they get contacted that will alert him immediately. He flies off and starts talking to himself.
Capt. Electron: This case is definitely tied into computer science...
Holokara: (incredulously) How the hell do you know that?!
Holokara (v/o): We cut to Dr. Zongor's headquarters where he's... HA! The guy is dressed like an orange Cobra Commander! Anyway, Zongor demands that Zapp do as he commands. Zapp says that he can't program the plutonium's location without the assistance of his two best programming students. Never mind that Zapp should have no idea where the hell the plutonium is, but even more so that he shouldn't need two other people to program something if he's such a genius in the field of (dramatically) computer science! Zongor, brilliant villain that he is, believes him and has Zapp call up his two students, Alex and Valerie, at the school. Zapp explains the situation and takes several minutes to explain the programming.
Alex: (on phone) Okay, Mr. Zapp, I took it all down!
Zapp: Good. Now be certain to add a worm algorithm!
Holokara: (as Zapp) Oh, and definitely do not add the trace-my-location algorithm! (winks) Wink, wink! (eyes shift back and forth)
Holokara (v/o): The students, who all look like they belong in the 1950s... Are we sure this was made in 1986? ...discuss what he meant, one asking what a "worm algorithm" is.
Alex: It's a term used in computer programming. A "worm" is a pulse placed into a program that causes it to self destruct!
Holokara: You can write a piece of code to make self-destruct? (grins) Neato!
Holokara (v/o): They contact Captain Electron.
Capt. Electron: Ah, possibly the break we've been looking for has turned up!
Holokara: What do you mean "we", Captain Electron? (leans in close) Do you have an invisible friend named Harvey up there with you, by any chance?
Holokara (v/o): He comes down, and they explain everything to him, but he has an even better idea than Zapp's.
Capt. Electron: I'll go to NASA in Houston, Texas, and enlist their aid in constructing a satellite map of the area, containg [sic] a phoney [sic] plutonium deposit site. That way we won't be tampering with national security.
Holokara: Or, you know, don't. I mean, if these people could construct a map to find plutonium using a friggin' Commodore 64, surely they know how to doctor their own damn map!
Valerie: And the kidnappers will think we composed it on our modems!
Holokara: (laughs) That's not what a modem does.
Holokara (v/o): However, before they can enact this really stupid plan, Captain Electron gets a signal on his watch that disaster has struck Midtown Manhattan! As such, he must fly off and deal with that crisis before he can proceed. So, what is this disaster that has struck Manhattan? (his voice trails off as we see what happened) A-An airplane has... crrraaashed into... the Chrysler... Building...
Holokara: (stunned) Oh, sweet merciful crap! (massages his forehead in aggravation)
Holokara (v/o): After... um, dumping the airplane in Central Park, he flies back to the building, where there are a bunch of dead bodies in the wreckage, it seems.
Holokara: (grinning) The fascinating world of (gives a double thumbs-up) computer science!
Holokara (v/o): So, we have a page of Captain Electron rescuing people in the building and then flying off. Well, thank you for that padding. It was really necessary.
Man 1: Look, there's the man who rescued us-- he's flying!
Man 2: This is ridiculous! People can't fly on their own power!
Man 3: He can! He's Captain Electron!
Holokara: (incredulously) Why is it that nobody knows about this guy?! For crying out loud, this should be on the front page of every newspaper! This is their equivalent of Superman!
Holokara (v/o): Anyway, with that pointlessness done with, he travels to NASA and enlists their aid before then flying back a single panel later. Well, that was really important to show, I guess. Back at the Institute, one of the kids, Alex, is at a computer.
Man: Alex, did you receive the transmission yet?
Holokara: (as Alex) Huh? Oh, sorry, I've been playing Galactic Conquest for the last few hours, so I wouldn't know. (looks away and makes playing motions) Planet A to World 3... Number of ships: 200...
Holokara (v/o): They receive the fake satellite images, and the kidnappers call again, Captain Electron on the other line listening in. The kidnappers instruct the kids where to bring the program and they comply, Captain Electron following them in the air to protect them.
Capt. Electron: Whoever's behind this caper is utterly ruthless!
Holokara: Damn you, Zongor, you ruthless monster! Making a bunch of students write a computer program! You diseased maniac!
Holokara (v/o): They arrive at Zongor's hideout and... Wait, did Zongor change his outfit again? Now he's wearing something like the purple outfit like Lex Luthor used to wear during the Silver Age. They load the program into Zongor's computer, but when Alex tells Zapp they couldn't put the worm algorithm in, he deliberately erases it to prevent Zongor from getting the plutonium. So all that work getting NASA to write the program was for nothing! Thanks for wasting our time. Zongor prepares to shoot Zapp. However...
(Suddenly, Captain Electron bursts in through a wall, to the sound of a Kool-Aid commercial in which the Kool-Aid Man bursts through a wall)
Kool-Aid Man: (voiceover) OH, YEAH!
Holokara (v/o): Zongor commands his goons to get Captain Electron, but look at that grin; Electron can't wait.
Capt. Electron: Yes, gentlemen, who will be the first to attempt it?
Holokara (v/o): And of course, every single one of them gets their asses handed to them. I know bullets probably wouldn't affect him, but I notice none of them even try to use a gun. Zongor, however, goes for mad science, using his conveniently-placed death ray.
Zongor: When I pull this switch, my ray cannon will blast you to atoms!
Capt. Electron: Have your fun! Pull it!
Zongor: It's done! Now fry, you pig!
Holokara: (confused) "Pig"? What the hell, Zongor? Are you a 1960s counterculture teenager?
Holokara (v/o): You know, for Captain Electron being a "new hero for the 1980s", I keep drawing comparisons to decades other than the 1980s: 1920s gangsters, 1950s clothing, 1960s slang. The only things '80s about this comic are the computers, but that's not very much. Anyway, the ray gun fires and of course does nothing to Captain Electron, who smashes it up. Zongor yells out his plan to retreat into a steel-encased room, but Captain Electron just rips right through it.
Zongor: I give up! Don't kill me! Spare my life, I beg you!
Capt. Electron: You terrorists are all the same; cowardly to the core! You'll crush anyone in your path, but you cringe in fear when your own life is in jeopardy!
Holokara: (massaging his forehead in frustration) Oh, dear Lord, please tell me he did not just say the terrorists were afraid to die! DON'T PROVOKE THE TERRORISTS, CAPTAIN ELECTRON!
Holokara (v/o): And so, our story ends with Captain Electron saying he's called the FBI and state police to deal with Zongor and that he doesn't need any reward, just flying off into the cumulonimbus clouds. Oh, but of course, it's not the end, for you see, seven pages of information on computers was not enough; we needed seven more at the end. This time, our demonic imp, Mr. Computer, is accompanied by Captain Electron himself. Like before, let's skim through this. They talk about the wonders of word processing machines and all the data they collect, which is then sent to a central processing unit.
Capt. Electron: (pointing out said central processing unit) And this, of course, is the central processing unit, which is capable of receiving and storing millions of data bytes at any given time...
Holokara: (sarcastically) "Millions of data bytes"?! Wowzers! That's like... a few megabytes! (strokes chin) Say, I forgot again, what did Avery Brooks say storage capacity would eventually be reaching?
(Cut to a clip of an IBM commercial featuring Avery Brooks)
Brooks: We will soon arrive at yottabytes. How big is that? Ten to the 24th power; one thousand billion trillion bytes. How many Libraries of Congress per second can your software handle?
(Cut back to the comic)
Holokara (v/o): However, Mr. Computer does accurately point out that in a mere decade, all of the equipment will be replaced with even more sophisticated technology. Not so accurate is our pal Captain Electron.
Capt. Electron: The people who operate terminals such as this, are individuals who have undergone extensive training.
Holokara: Yeah, I'm sure tech support people around the world can tell you just how well-trained people are in their computers.
Holokara (v/o): Then they get into computer programming and how some corporations employ thousands of people who will program in Basic or Cobol.
Capt. Electron: With all of these high-tech marvels, is it possible for a foul up to occur?
Miss Gordon: Oh yes, Captain Electron.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Doctor Who)
Doctor Who: The trouble with computers, of course, is that they're very sophisticated idiots.
(Back to the comic again)
Holokara (v/o): Next, we get into a bit of computer hardware, with some guy named Allan explaining what he's working on.
Allan: I've been testing the signals to this cathode ray tube.
Holokara: (stroking chin) "Cathode ray tube", you say? Why, that technology will never be replaced!
Holokara (v/o): Hey, here's a thought: Mr. Computer being what he is, is Alan working on a girlfriend for him? Anyway, more tech stuff and showing off other people working on random computer-ish junk.
Allan: Those scientists are working on our artificial intelligence program. The day will soon come when technicians will be able to program a robot to make intelligent decisions from a knowledge pool created by the technicians.
Holokara: (as Allan) They call it SkyNet and (gives a thumbs-up) it's really making progress!
Holokara (v/o): Anyway, that pretty much concludes our comic, with Captain Electron flying off again, this time into the sunset, while Mr. Computer asks us to send him letters.
Holokara: (as Mr. Computer) Let me know where you live, kids. I'm watching you when you sleep... (closes comic and holds it up) This comic sucks, but me, oh, my, is it fun.
Holokara (v/o): It is gloriously stupid. You'd think a comic put out by people teaching other people about computers and programming would know what the hell a computer can and can't do. Captain Electron is basically a Superman ripoff. What bugs me, though, is that seems to be the only Captain Electron comic out there, but the back of the comic promises a robot, some guy in a mask and hat, Captain Electron carrying around a woman... Dammit, I wanna see if Mr. Computer enacts his secret plan to devour the souls of all mankind!
Holokara: In the meantime, though, this comic has really inspired me to do something worthwhile with my time on the computer: I'm gonna spend the next five hours surfing TVTropes and then watch a video of cats doing cute things. (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)
(End credits roll, while in the background, a commercial for the Commodore 64)
Commercial Announcer: IBM calls this a personal computer and says a person can afford it, yet it's over $1500. Apple says computing is a revolution that can't be missed, but at $1530 you can miss it. Atari says computers are now within reach.*
- NOTE: As seen in the commercial, the IBM computer in question is $1565, and the Atari computer is $899.
Computer Announcer: Well, the Commodore 64 has more built-in memory than the others, and it's under $600*.
- ANOTHER NOTE: The Commodore 64's price is $595, to be exact.
Commercial Announcer: So, while everyone else talks about the revolution that's coming, you can experience the revolution that's here.
(Another Commodore 64 commercial is shown, this one Christmas-themed and featuring a cat)
Commercial Announcer: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and there in the house, the kitten discovered... the new Commodore's mouse. (the cat plays with the computer's mouse) Now, touch the mouse to do what you choose. The mouse makes the Commodore simpler to use. Educate, entertain, put thoughts together. The world's best-selling family computer just got better. So bring home the new Commodore 64 now. A Commodore Christmas to all and to all a...
Mr. Computer is now serving a ten year sentence in San Quentin prison for Grand Theft after he attempted to steal $135,000 in computer parts. In his own words, "I just wanted someone to love!"
Dr. Zongor was rebooted six times in the last five years. He is now a murderous psychopath who rambles about plutonium deposits to a nonfunctioning Vic-20. Captain Electron is in his fourth reboot, with the original back because the writers consider him "the most iconic version."
So what happens if you were to type on the keys of Mr. Computer's keyboard?
(Stinger: Linkara is at Animinneapolis)
Linkara (v/o): My journey continues. After having left SpringCon, which was south of my intended destination, I proceed on the correct path towards... Wait, is this another convention? Animinneapolis...? Oh, for crying out loud! This is friggin' Bloomington! I've gone father south! Well, still, need to make the most of this experience. And by "make the most of it", I mean "contemplate further". There is much to learn from the gentle folk of the cosplayers. They are an innocent people, unaware of who I am.
Female cosplayer: (walking by) Hey, it's Linkara!
Linkara (v/o): Cosplayers generally ignore people, since they're used to seeing all sorts of strange oddities. They do not frighten, and they never try to converse with you.
(Linkara is standing off to one side when an attendant walks up)
Attendant: Sir, I'm gonna please have to ask you to move.
Linkara (v/o): You would think a convention of this sort would be teeming with individuals, but I only found one.
Linkara: (to one cosplayer, holding up his magic gun to him) See, here's my situation: my magic gun is disabled, and I figured you, with all your millennium magic, might know something about it. Can you be of any assistance?
Cosplayer: Well, unfortunately, guns do not exist in my time.
Linkara: (realizes) Right, they're all invisible. All right, thanks anyway, sir. (walks off)
Linkara (v/o): My visit to this strange place was short, but I feel I've learned much.
(Linkara stands in an empty room at the convention)
Linkara (v/o): And of course, the thing I appreciate most about occasions like this... are the people.