And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Captain America."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(hand over heart) I pledge allegiance to- Spoilers!
There's this guy called Mr. Rogers.
OH MY GOD, Mr. Rogers is in this movie!
(imitating Mr. Rogers) "Won't ya be my Avenger?"
Only he's very, very tiny.
You know that stick figure on the cover of "Diary of a Wimpy Kid"?
He looks pregnant compared to him.
And he does what any little shrimp wants to do.
Join the army!
I joined the army once!
You know the policy "Don't ask, don't tell?" Well, they said I was the first case of "Don't ask, don't ask!"
So, even though he tries to join the army, they tell him no.
Probably because his head is three times the size of his body.
Seriously. It looks like someone put a Barbie head on a G.I. Joe.
But then this scientist comes and says he needs him for an experiment!
(in German accent) "I'm looking for a little shrimp to experiment on."
"Okay, where do I fit in?"
"Actually, every word in that sentence relates to you."
"I don't follow."
"Just get in that dangerous-looking machine."
So they blast him with all these serums and science-y stuff. (mimics getting zapped)
Next thing you know, Mr. Rogers turns into Mr. Who'd Like to Roger Me?
But then an evil traitor is in their midst.
"Congratulations! Here's a bomb."
(mimics explosion) Kaboom!
OH MY GOD, he did the psych Hitler!
Just like in that other movie: "Terms of Endearment"!
So, even though the scientist is dead, Mr. Rogers becomes really popular.
And the media people are like, "We're gonna turn you into the manliest person on Earth by giving you the gayest costume possible!"
"This is the '40s. Do we even know gays exist yet?"
"Hey, we're the media! If we don't put a camera on it, it's not real!"
So, they decide to call him Captain America and dress him like Wonder Woman's bowling ball.
But Captain America is like, "I thought I would have more dignity than this!"
"Did you even read the comic?"
"No, but I watched Reb Brown."
But, thankfully, he has two people to help him feel better.
A smoking hot woman.
"I am your maybe secretary, maybe general bombshell with a vague job description!"
And Tommy Lee Jones!
(walking by) "I'm Tommy Lee Jones. I was here to play Tommy Lee Jones. I'm Tommy Lee Jones."
But that's not enough to make Captain America feel America-ish.
He goes into enemy territory to break out some prisoners!
That's right! He cleverly sneaks into the camp in the middle of the night with a giant shield with red, white and blue on it.
Probably should've called him Captain Bullseye.
But he breaks 'em out of prison and suddenly he's a real hero!
This calls for an upgrade.
"Make my costume even sillier than it was before! I want my head to look like a flying metal blueberry! And my shield can look even more like a bullseye! Make it round with a white center in the middle! I'll be easier to sneak in than Boy George at an NRA convention!"
By the way, if you're watching, Boy George, don't try that.
But it turns out there's an evil bad guy who's watching him.
His name is Red Skull!
I don't know. I went to the bathroom when they explained that.
And he has a gun that can turn anybody into radioactive toilet scum!
I was radioactive toilet scum once!
Or, wait, maybe I still am.
So Captain America flies into a plane to stop the Red Skull.
Because Red Skull gives you wings! (pause) Sorry.
And the evil Red Skull is like, "You never give up, do you?"
And Captain America is like, "Nope!"
(long pause) "Okay then!" (mimics punching)
So Captain America defeats the evil Red Skull, but finds he has to crash the plane in the Antarctic in order to save the world.
I...never did that.
So he crashes the plane into the snow and gets frozen for several years.
Hey, now him and Christopher Lloyd have something in common! I'll give you a minute for that to sink it. (pause) Okay.
And so, eventually, he's thawed out by Samuel L. Jackson, dressed as a pirate.
"Yo motherf(censored)n' ho!"
And Captain America is like, "What do you want with me?"
"I have a motherf(censored)n' mission for you."
"Oh God, is this another cheap trailer for the Avengers movie?"
"No. It's not a cheap trailer."
"It's an actual trailer."
That's right! We finally get a trailer for the Avengers movie!
Or as I like to call it: (He does this exact motion several times) "Heads Turning Because We Don't Have Any Of The Action Scenes Shot Yet".
So, "Captain America" was a really, really good movie.
There was only one thing missing though.
Where's Ma-Ti?! You can't have a Captain America movie without my favorite Planeteer!
Oh yeah, he died.
And may or may not be coming back.
I guess these movies really do have something in common: They're all cockteases!
They should just call every movie that comes out now "Cocktease: The Movie"!
Wait, didn't I see that behind a beaded curtain?
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
I'll help Ma-Ti be in the Avengers movie! Or, at the very least, Ted Turner's mustache.