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Captain America

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|Box title = Captain America
|Image file = NC_Captain_America_by_MaroBot.jpg
|Image size = 320
|Row 1 title = Date Aired
|Row 1 info = August 25, 2009
|Row 2 title = Running Time
|Row 2 info = 18:46
|Row 3 title = Previous review
|Row 3 info = [[Warriors of Virtue]]
|Row 4 title = Next review
|Row 4 info = [[Top 11 F*ckups]]
|Row 5 title = Link
|Row 5 info =}}
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. There’s a theory going around that comic book heroes are the great modern myths, in the same way that Hercules and Perseus were the great Greek myths. Well, if that’s true, then Captain America must be Douche-icus, because he sure doesn’t hold up!</p>
{{Infobox|Box title = Captain America|Row 1 title = Date Aired|Row 1 info = August 25, 2009|Row 2 title = Running Time|Row 2 info = 18:46|Row 3 title = Website|Row 3 info =}}
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Images from the Captain America comic book are shown as NC speaks)</p>
'''Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.'''
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Now, I’m not talking about the comic books themselves, I never really read those.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I’m solely going by the low-budget action film that actually came out in 1990 under the same name ''Captain America''.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NOTE: The movie was actually released in 1990 in the UK, it came out in America, two years later. Captain America? More like, Captain UK!)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by clips from the movie)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Never heard of it? There’s a reason. Ridiculously stupid and embarrassingly over-the-top, ''Captain America'' was among one of the cheesiest comic book movies ever made, and knowing how cheesy comic books already are, that’s pretty bad.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: So strap on your devil-horned eagle wings and let’s take a look at ''Captain America''.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the credits roll as we start off this classic American story about a classic American superhero in the classic American heartland of… (The caption “Portovenere, Italy 1936” is shown onscreen) Italy. (Pauses) Unusual start.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to a boy playing Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” for his mother, who is sitting next to him to turn the sheet music’s pages)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): What, did Mario Puzo write this? Come on! Where’s the action? (Some windows are suddenly smashed open by Nazis) Oh, here we go. (A Nazi fires, scaring a couple of the women in the room) So a young child prodigy is taken away from his family and used as a guinea pig in an evil experiment. What does the experiment do?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General: (speaks in German with English subtitles to other men about a rat-like creature in a cage, which appears as a stop-motion effect and growls) “The same rat, transformed by a secret process, is now twice as strong and twice as intelligent.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (speaks with a German accent) We call it “The Harryhausen Effect.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): The scientist running the experiment doesn’t want to harm a child, and thus, she escapes this evil heavily-armed military base by…just jumping out the window. (Pauses) Well, that was unrealistically simple.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The scream of the young boy is heard from the castle as the female scientist looks away in pain at the thought of the torture he might be going through)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We then cut to seven years later. (The title card “7 Years Later” is shown, followed by “1943”) Yeah, thanks, we can do the math. We see an injured soldier named Steve Rogers, who is leaving his home to partake in a similar experiment that could heal his leg and make him even stronger. Everyone comes to say goodbye except for his girlfriend Bernie.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Steve Roger: What is it?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Bernice Stewart: I’m sorry. It’s just…it’s just that I love you! (She hugs him)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Bernice) That’s why I didn’t come to send you off.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Bernice: I can’t imagine not knowing what you’re doing or where you’re going.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Steve caresses her cheek before kissing her)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>So it appears that theirs is a romance that will always last. (Pauses) About 20 seconds. I’m serious. They share the screen for just 20 seconds before he leaves. I’ve grown more attached to my toothbrush in that amount of time! So, anyway, they take him to the secret base located just under an everyday restaurant.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Young General Fleming: How’s the pot roast today, Roz?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Roz (a waitress): Mmm, about as good as it was yesterday. (While she speaks, she reaches a hand down to handle the pistol that’s underneath the counter)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Eh, looks like the usual service at Denny’s.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they go downstairs to the secret laboratory where they’re trying to create the perfect American superhero and ultimate grand-slam breakfast.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Scientist: He may not be Superman, but he’ll be a living symbol of what this country stands for.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Well, I agree with the first part.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The machine is activated, and it shocks Steve Rogers greatly, causing him to groan in pain; sparks start flying everywhere and everything goes black before the machine winds down to a stop and the lights go back on)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: That was just to see if it was on. Here’s the real deal. (He pretends to lower the switch to the machine)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The machine is turned on again and shocks Rogers severely before winding down to a stop)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (looks off-screen) Oh! Wait! (Beat) The camera wasn’t recording. Let’s try it again! (He pretends to flip the machine’s switch again)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The machine is turned on again and shocks Steve severely)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (chuckles) I hate humanity.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the experiment works. Steve’s leg is cured and he seems more powerful than ever before. The onlookers wish to congratulate the scientist.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mr. Erlich: Remarkable work, Dr. Vaselli. (He extends a hand) Congratulations. (He retracts his hand to make an upward salute) Heil Hitler! (He shoots Dr. Vaselli with the other hand)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) What was that?!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mr. Erlich: Heil Hitler! (He shoots Dr. Vaselli)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Wow, that was…the most over-the-top way to kill somebody. I give you props, guys, that-that was mighty silly.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I mean…it’s just so sporadic! You can call it the “Psych Hitler!” You go in to shake someone’s hand, and it’s like, “Psych! Heil Hitler!” (The shot of Richard shooting Dr. Vaselli is shown quickly) Do you think he does that everywhere, like at weddings?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as a wedding attendee, pretending to give a toast) A toast to the bride and groom, on this, the happiest day of their—HEIL HITLER! (Shoots everywhere)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Or how about bar mitzvahs? You think he does it there?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as a Jewish father) Jimmy, now that you’re officially a man, let us celebrate with this most sacred of Jewish tradit—HEIL HITLER!! (Shoots everywhere wildly)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Or good God, what if he was a kindergarten teacher?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (sings while doing the “Itsy Bitsy Spider” song with his hands) “The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain to—” HEIL HITLER!!! (Shoots everywhere even more wildly)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the scientist is killed as Steve is shot and put in the hospital.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Doctor: Colonel, that young man is lucky to have survived the surgery.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Colonel Louis: I’m all level with you, Doctor.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as Colonel Louis): I am Matt Dillon’s brother.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Colonel Louis: What’s at stake here is the lives of thousands of innocent people.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But it turns out all his wounds are healed as he’s ready to leap into action and get revenge.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Colonel Lewis and Rogers riding a military plane together; We see that Rogers is wearing his Captain America outfit (without any previous explanation given of how he got it) underneath his military soldier uniform)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) Wait, wait, no! (laughs) No, no, no, movie. You can’t do that, movie. You can’t just ''toss'' him into that outfit. I mean, have you seen it? There’s…car wash clowns that look more dignified than that!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): If you don’t give some build-up or explanation, nobody’s gonna take it seriously.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(As the following conversation goes on, we intercut with audio and a shot of NC snickering, trying to hold in his laughter, and his snickering gets louder)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rogers: Colonel Louis…sir…there’s something nobody’s talked about. When do I get some fresh troops in my battalion?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Colonel Louis: Dr. Vasseli had all the details to the process in her head.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC covers his mouth with both hands to hold in his laughter)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Colonel Louis: Besides, you got that crazy fireproof uniform Dr. Vasseli made up for you.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rogers: She didn’t know much about camouflage.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Colonel Louis: But she sure did love the red, white and blue.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Colonel Louis) She thought dressing you up like a human bull’s-eye will do much better at throwing the enemy off.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So after that…extremely weak explanation about the costume, they toss him out of the plane to go hunt some Nazis.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the Nazi compound, and Cap sneaks around)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as Captain America): I hope I look silly enough.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the Nazis shining a light on Captain America high from a control tower; Cap uses his shield like a Frisbee to knock off one leg of the tower, making it fall to the ground before the shield returns to him)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: What, did he invade “F-Troop”?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So after he defeats the Nazis with his flying saucer sled, he makes it to their main headquarters where he finds the child that was experimented on at the beginning of the film who has now transformed into…Freddy Krueger’s wax sculpture.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Bastards!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Actually, he’s known as Red Skull, who is sadly much more powerful than the mighty Captain.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Shots of Red Skull beating up Captain America and kneeing him in the stomach are shown)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Wow, um, Captain America kinda sucks.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Red Skull: (to his Nazi soldiers that are watching down from a balcony) Pity him! He is like a child!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So after getting his (Captain America) blue nads kicked, they strap him to a missile and plan to launch him towards the White House.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Red Skull: Where is the big bomb going? White House. A present for President Roosevelt.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as an announcer, with text from the first question shown onscreen as the 60s ''Batman'' theme plays) How will Captain America get out of this one???? Will he turn the White House into rubble, or will he escape to get his American ass beaten once more? (“Tune In Next Time” is shown) Tune in next time, which is…(“Right Now” is shown) right now!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Captain America: (grabs onto Red Skull’s wrist) Two can travel cheaply as one, you sick bastard!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Red Skull says something indistinct before Captain America grabs hold of his wrist with a knife in hand and uses it to slice Red Skull's hand off as the missile starts to take off; Red Skull stands around screaming in pain)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Red Skull with his right hand tucked inside his sleeve) I’d give my right hand to…get my right hand back!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The missile is launched before we cut to the White House with the movie’s caption “Washington D.C.” being shown)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, thanks, movie. I never would have figured that out.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Young Tom Kimball’s Mother: (approaches her son) What are you doing up?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So in that place that’s apparently hard to identify, a young boy named Tom Kimball dreams about the possibilities of Washington.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Young Tom: How do you expect me to sleep, Mom? We’re in Washington, D.C. (He is tucked back into bed by his mother) When I grow up, I wanna be president.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as Young Tom): I wanna invade countries that will get a B.J. in the Oval Office and not be able to pass a questionable health care bill. President! (Normal) So because the kid is just so gosh darn excited, he sneaks out in the middle of the night to take pictures of the White House. Wow, what a dork.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Young Tom looks up to hear a noise and sees Captain America on the missile coming toward him)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as Captain America, yelling): Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name! Thy kingdom come—OHH, GOOOOODDDD! (as Young Tom) Well, that’s just silly. (normal) So Captain America actually kicks the rocket over the White House just missing it.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(After the rocket flies over the White House, we get a shot of Captain America still strapped to it and flying past the camera)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: When did this turn into a Daffy Duck cartoon?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A clip of Daffy Duck riding a rocket in space and screaming is shown)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the rocket somehow lands in Alaska... (The movie’s caption “Somewhere in Alaska” is shown) ...without exploding and leaves Captain America in the snow. (Camera closeup on Captain America’s gloved hand sticking out of the snow is shown) Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Our hero. Just when you’re hoping he’ll disappear from the movie altogether…he sort of does. Literally, decades go by without any mention of the guy. I guess the movie just decided to give up on him. So we get all the way to the ‘90s where that Tom Kimball boy grows up and actually does become President of the United States. A white guy as president? (scoffs) Who’s gonna believe that at this day and age? He meets up with a guy named General Fleming, played oddly enough by the father from ''A Christmas Story''.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General Fleming: (to President Kimball) You just simply can’t expect us to cut back on our solid waste 90% in six months.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as General Fleming) We have to be as fra-gi-lay as possible.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We then cut to the League of Extraordinary Accents where all sorts of evildoers plan evil things, and it turns out the General is among them as well.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">General Fleming: (to the other evil men) You’re gonna see everything that you worked for and planned for for the last 30 years go right down the crapper!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Man (who seems to look like Red Skull, but with regular skin): The saucy nation that used the word of trouble…</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Well, now, who’s this guy? Is this a new villain or something? (Cut to a shot of the man’s wrist to show where it was sliced off but now treated, then to another shot of the man) Wait a minute, ''that's ''Red Skull? Well, what happened to him? Did he just…''magically'' grow his skin back? There’s plastic surgery, and then there’s fucking miracles, guys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I mean, isn’t the whole reason they called him Red Skull because—oh, I don’t know—HE HAD A FRIGGIN' RED SKULL? OK, whatever. After Red Skull becomes Numb Skull, they discuss their diabolical plans to kidnap the President and brainwash him to do their evil deeds.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Red Skull: I am one humble business man, with double the science. Before you make your decision…</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Say, wasn’t there a Captain America in this movie?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to a snowy landscape in Alaska with the movie’s caption “Alaska” shown briefly)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah. I know. Because it changed so much over the decades. Will you lay off the descriptions?!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Two Alaskan surveyors approach Captain American as they see his gloved hand being the only noticeable thing under the thick ice)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they find Captain America years later, literally frozen in a block of ice as they just thaw him out in their tents, and he just walks off like nothing happened! That’s pretty WEAK!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Alaskan Surveyor: No way did that just happen.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as the Alaskan surveyor) I can’t believe we just thawed out a basketball mascot!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the President hears about this and, rather than—oh, I don’t know—call the Secret Service or something, he calls his childhood friend, played by Ned Beatty, like he’s eight years old again.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sam Kolawetz (Beatty): Well, you sure it’s not some kind of crazy hoax?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">President Kimball: Can you spare me the conspiracy theory just this once?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as President Kimball) Enough of your…childish ravings! I’m talking about a superhero that was strapped to a missile and frozen in ice!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to an exterior shot of Rome with the movie’s caption “Rome”)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But Red Skull discovers—(he notices the appearing caption) OH, FUCK YOU, MOVIE! Do you really think we can’t figure out where this is? I mean, seriously! Why don’t you just have a subtitle under everything?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Red Skull: (riding in a car with a hot woman next to him; they respectively have NC’s own subtitles of “Red Skull” and “Hot Lady” underneath them) And background on everyone on the security staff.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Driver: (NC’s subtitle “A Driver” is shown below him) Consider it done, Mr. Census.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to an exterior shot of one of Rome’s city streets where NC’s subtitles appear on everything in the shot, including “A Building” on a few buildings, “A Car” on a few cars, “A Person” on a few pedestrians, “A Street” and “An Umbrella”)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So as I was saying, Red Skull discovers about Captain America, too, and thus sends his finest hot chicks to track him down. (A helicopter flies over a forest) But thankfully, the President is quick to act, as he sends…one pudgy middle-aged journalist to handle the situation. (Pauses) Am I in the circus?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to two of Red Skull’s henchwomen pursuing Captain America on their dirt bikes through a forest)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Captain America escapes the evil supermodels on dirt bikes because he heroically cowers into a pickup truck driven by Ned Beatty. (Pauses) I honestly could not make this up if I tried!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sam Kolawetz: (to Captain America in the car) This Red Skull guy…was closely involved in the murders of Robert Kennedy, John Kennedy, Martin Luther King…</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Okay, okay—</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Stop, stop, stop. You’re seriously gonna bring up the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. in a movie that has ''this'' thing in it? (A quick shot of the rat-like creature from earlier in the film is shown) Why do I get the feeling that’s not gonna mesh?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Captain America: (with his mask removed) Would you pull the car over, please? I think I’m gonna be sick.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Captain America pretends to be carsick and—I'm not kidding here—STEALS THE CAR AWAY! </p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(As NC speaks, we see Captain America doing exactly that, stealing the car and just leaving Sam alone stranded on the road)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): This guy’s an asshole! When he’s not getting his useless butt kicked, he’s either hiding under something or running away! Talk about Captain Douchebag! </p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(We see Steve arriving at his old home and meeting Bernie, now married with a daughter and is now an old woman)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he goes back to his old home, only to find his girlfriend of two sentences is married and has an identical twin daughter. And, yes, she’s played by the same actress.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Bernice: (to Steve) Everyone kept saying that “Missing in Action” was just another way of saying “blown to smithereens.” But I never believed them. Not for one second.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Bernice) That’s…why I got married?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Bernice: (sobs) I feel so old, and ugly and-and-and look at you!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Steve: You? Ugly? Not a chance. (He hugs her)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as Rogers): I don’t care if you look like a female Jon Voight. It just turns me on more. (Normal) But Red Skull sends out more fashion models to hunt him down and kill him. (The henchmen and henchwomen’s plane zooms by the camera across the sky before we cut to the interior where they’re sitting) Look at this; it looks like the cover of “Vogue."</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Footage freeze-frame on the image with the title “Vogue” at the top and NC’s magazine captions “Take our Test: Does he love you or will he leave you and get frozen in ice for 50 years?” “Keep your Red Skulls your reddest” and “80 Ways to turn the American Flag into Hideous Spandex” shown all over)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they break into the house, shoot Kris Kristofferson and kill dear old Bernie.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sharon (Bernice’s daughter): (to a police officer) Where’s my mother? (She runs inside before stopping to see Bernice’s dead body being wrapped up in a black body bag) Oh! (She screams) Ohhh, no!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Sharon) Ohh! I can’t stand to watch myself die!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We also find out that while this was going on, the President was in fact kidnapped.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Female Anchor: (on the TV) The President of the United States was abducted from his hotel in Rome.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Boy, our armed forces really kinda suck, don’t they? They create a neon action hero who can’t fight and let the ruler of a free nation get abducted without a cut scene. These guys couldn’t defeat Cobra!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Cobra Commander (from the ''G.I. Joe'' cartoon): COBRA!!!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So through a series of driving, snooping, and, yes, more heroic hiding, Steve and the daughter find they need to travel to Rome in order to find the evil Red Skull.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Steve: (while riding with Sharon through Rome) Could you pull over for a minute? I think I’m gonna be sick.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Steve is let out, pretending to be carsick)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sharon: (gets out and goes toward him) Are you okay?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Steve continues to fake being sick until he quickly moves to get into the car to steal it)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, God, not again, you dick weed!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sharon: What are you doing?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Steve: I can’t put you into danger, Sharon. (Drives the car away and leaves Sharon behind)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as an announcer while the logo for ''Captain America'' is shown over the screen and the theme music for ''Superman'' is heard): Captain America! Bravely abandoning the people who help him in his time of need!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; normal): So we see Steve try to talk to some of the local people, but doesn’t manage to get far.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Young Italian Woman speaks something in her native language)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Steve: Uh, speak English? (The Young Italian Woman shrugs her shoulders apologetically) I-I was wondering…</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) I like that. “Do you speak English? No? Well, then, I’ll just keep speaking it.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Sharon suddenly appears next to Steve and speaks Italian to the Young Italian Woman)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But the daughter somehow manages to follow his car on foot and proceeds to help him out with her Italian.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Which makes the previous scene… (He raises a finger to make the caption “Entirely Pointless!” show up with a “Ding!” sound) entirely pointless.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they find an old tape recorder that has the recording of Red Skull’s kidnapping as a child.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(We hear audio on the tape of crashing and a Nazi speaking German; NC’s own subtitles are placed over when the Nazi speaks)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Nazi: Hey, what has two handles and a “Holey” personality? (Gunshots are heard and a few women screaming) Get it?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But they’re then approached by Red Skull’s hot chicks who try to kill him again.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Sharon and Steve are at an outdoor café where Sharon first notices Red Skull’s two henchwomen sitting at different tables and slowly raising their guns to point at Steve; Steve notices the henchwomen through a reflection)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sharon: (gasps) Steve!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Steve: Get down! </p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(He quickly gets up to shove Sharon down and below the table before the henchwomen start firing; he quickly crawls away)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Pretty slow on those guns, ladies. I mean, you’re not moving like you’re doing a yoga move. Just whip it out!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So we partake in a pretty standard chase scene with no real surprises.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(As Red Skull’s henchmen chase Sharon and Steve through one of the streets, we get a shot of the street that pans down to where two little boys are sitting across each other and rolling a ball back and forth)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; laughs): Uh, hi! A giant car is about to run you over? (Steve sees the two boys and swoops down to move them out of the car’s way) I mean, what are you kids? Blind, deaf and just all-around stupid?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to a henchman on a motor bike and pursuing Sharon and Steve up a hill)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I love this: He pushes the daughter out of the way of the bike so he can…get hit with the bike. </p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Steve flies into the air after getting hit and lands on his lower back, injuring himself)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Steve, in a dopey voice) Duhh, oh, yeah! For some reason, I thought I was a superhero or something! (scoffs)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he grabs a bike of his own, speeds off into the sunset…and then falls off the cliff.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Sharon and Steve land in the water)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I mean, really? Are you even surprised?</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The clip of Steve and Sharon going off the short cliff and into the water is shown again)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as Steve): God, I suck!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Three of Red Skull’s henchwomen run up to see if they can spot the bodies of Sharon and Steve in the water, but see nothing)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as one of the henchwomen)" Well, gee, it’s not like we can just keep looking for ten more seconds. Let’s go, ladies.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The henchwomen leave before Sharon and Steve emerge at the water’s surface)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they finally find the location of the President as they sneak into their hideout to save him. (Steve pulls out his neatly-folded Captain America outfit) This looks like a job for flamboyance! (President Kimball kicks down his cell door) So the President escapes, but is cornered by the bad guys. His brilliant way out? Killing himself. (President Kimball throws himself off the side of the hideout) Hey, after being in this movie, I don’t blame you. (Captain America catches Kimball in the nick of time) But luckily, Captain America just happened to be climbing up the wall at the time!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Captain America: (to President Kimball) Wait on the north shore. There’s some caves there at the base of the cliff where you can hide. I’ll come and get you when we get out.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">President Kimball: What, are you kidding? I’m not bailing out on Captain America.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Good! You can probably kick more ass than he can!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he (Captain America) confronts Red Skull as we get some flips, kicks, punches, the President tosses him his multi-colored pizza pan as he escapes to the roof.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Captain America: Mr. President! Thanks! </p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(He gives a thumbs up. We suddenly freeze frame on Captain America’s thumbs up)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mentos Announcer: (speaks as the Mentos logo and tagline are shown below Captain America) [[Rise of the Commercials|Mentos! The Freshmaker!]]</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover); So Red Skull goes to arm another bomb which is in a piano—yeah, whatever—as Captain America does what he’s best at: hiding like a pussy. (Captain America keeps hiding and dodging the bullets as he stands in a stone doorway and Red Skull shoots at him) But the daughter plays the recording of his (Red Skull) kidnapping to distract him as Captain America gets out his Wonder Frisbee and knocks him off the cliff.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Red Skull falling off the hideout and into the water; Cut next to a henchwoman taking a Tommy gun while Captain America’s shield is still flying)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Captain America: (grins) Heads up.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The henchwoman gasps as the shield presumably cuts off her head before it returns to Captain America)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover; as Captain America): I just decapitated a hot chick. I'' am'' the great American hero. (Normal) So the President calls in his Scottish ninja army men as Captain America hugs his dear daughter and makes one last speech to the audience.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Radio Newscaster: (narrates over a drawing of Captain America) In Rome today, 116 nations agreed to an environmental protection treaty. (The movie’s end credits start to roll) In a brief statement after the signing…</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Okay, if you start rolling the credits over the dialogue, we kinda figure it’s not important. Most important plot points happen ''BEFORE ''the movie is over!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: So, yeah, just going by this movie alone, it appears that Captain America would be the lamest superhero ever. (He pulls out the movie’s VHS case) I mean, just look at the highlights on the back of the box. It’s Captain America getting beaten up by Red Skull and being strapped to the bomb! These are the heroic highlights, kids! Oh, I also like this where it says that “''Captain America'' (Cut to the following text on the VHS case) is a high-flying adventure for children of all ages…” (Cut to the film’s PG-13 rating) …as long as you’re over the age of 13! (Cut back to NC) This is crap! (He puts down the VHS case) Plain and simple.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Clips from the movie play as NC speaks)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): It’s a wimpy superhero, it’s a boring story, and the production value looks like it was more out of the ‘70s than it was the ‘90s.</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: But to be fair, this is a very tough superhero to pull off. I mean, what guy could honestly look the least bit intimidating in that ridiculous outfit? (beat) [[Sidekicks|Chuck Norris!]]</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A Photoshopped image of Sharon and Captain America posing against a fireworks background (with Chuck Norris’ head superimposed over Captain America’s head and wearing a black cowboy hat) is shown)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">High-Pitched Voice: A-CHUCK-A-NORRIS!!!!!!</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">THE END</p>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mr. Erlich: Heil Hitler! (He shoots Dr. Vaselli)</p>
[[Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts]]
[[Category:Nostalgia Critic]]
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