And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: (not spoken) "Captain America: The Winter Soldier."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
...Eh, whatever Captain America's catchphrase is mixed with spoilers!
There's this guy named Captain America.
And he's working for the organization S.H.I.E.L.D.!
To help stop the evil organization S.H.I.E.L.D.!
You see, Pirate Samuel L. Jackson found out they were up to no good.
And so he's like, "Captain America, I'm gonna die."
(waves hand, constantly unimpressed) "Yeah, sure you are."
"No really, I'm going to die."
"No kidding. The leader of the Avengers is going to die."
"We put it in the trailers. We put it on YouTube videos..."
"Yeah, okay, and with your 'last words,' tell me something vague that practically nobody would be able to figure out."
"Yeah, that's original."
(is shot and falls) "Oh, I'm dead!"
"I really mean it! I'm really dead!"
"Yeah, where's the microchip, disc, DVD, and/or jump drive that you want me to get secret information out of?"
(holds up nothing) "Here you go."
So Captain America wants to be sure that the jump drive is kept safe.
So he puts it in the safest place possible: A vending machine!
That was a really dumb idea.
Vending machines are around because people still use them.
On second thought, it's not that unrealistic.
I once found a radioactive grenade in a vending machine once!
It was really spicy.
So all these agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. try to get Captain America in this elevator.
With his greatest nemesis: Taser sticks!
Are bullets and grenades too expensive to use?
They shouldn't be!
Half of our top secret weaponry is in vending machines apparently!
But Captain America kicks their asses, and so S.H.I.E.L.D. is like, "This is the world's most wanted man. We must somehow create a giant taser stick, or something that can throw taser sticks at him, or something that can blow up into a giant taser stick--"
"Why don't we just shoot him?"
"Yeah, that works."
So Captain America meets up with Black Widow.
Who has yet to have sex with somebody and then kill them.
Though I'm holding out for Kat Dennings. That's just a win-win.
And she goes with Captain America to see what's on the jump drive.
And they find this underground lair from World War II.
And it turns out the jump drive is actually the mind of a evil scientist from the first one!
No, not Red Skull. The one you don't remember.
The one who looked like a mix between Peter Dinklage and Francis from "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure."
What do you care? You don't remember him, but he's back!
And he's like, (barely moving mouth) "In the 40's and 50's, I backed up my mind into a computer."
"What?! You guys couldn't even invent Pong yet!"
"This was actually our first attempt at Pong, and somehow it morphed its way into this. Science, weird."
"Well, what's your evil plan, Tim Curry villain from 'Captain Planet'?!"
"We perfected a technology that can see the future, and so we're gonna kill all the awful people and murderers before they become awful people and murderers."
"But wait, wouldn't that also mean killing the people that are killing those people? And then killing the people who are killing those people? And then killing the people who are killing those pe-- This is a stupid plan!"
"Well, what do you expect from Kind Of Nazis!" (He says this as the words appear onscreen with music sting.)
"OH MY GOD, Kind Of Nazis?! They're the worst kind of evil that there kind of is kind of!"
But this other guy who used to be dead but came back to life and now has a metal arm--
I call him the Elric Soldier.
--is trying to hunt down Captain America and Black Widow to kill them!
And the Elric Soldier is like, (hands over mouth) "You will never guess who I am!"
(unimpressed again) "Oh yeah, sure, could be anybody."
"It's gonna be a real big twist!"
"Big enough that you don't show it on the poster?"
"What? (pulls down Bucky poster) Dammit!"
(removes "mask") "Okay, so it wasn't a good twist. But at least you remember me!"
"Well, yeah, somebody has to."
"Hey! I played a very big part in the last movie!"
"Oh yeah, I'm sure that's what everybody was talking about in the last film. Boy, not that Red Skull or that Captain America guy. Bucky! Ooh, he was somethin'."
"Hey, I remember me!"
"No, you really don't."
"Oh yeah, you're right. That's why I wanna kill you!"
"Well, let me just get my pizza pan of America and fight!"
"Ha! I thought you were more than just a shield."
"Alright, I'll lose it. Now lose your metal arm!"
"No, because I know that's pretty much all I am."
"Because you're so forgettable, even putting you on the poster will make people not remember who you are--"
So Captain America and Black Widow escape to find out the biggest surprise ever.
Pirate L. Jackson is still alive!
(unimpressed yet again) "Oh wow, didn't see that comin'."
"Yeah, I know. Shut up."
"I mean you really convinced me. Oh my God, Pirate Jackson is gone. What are we gonna doooo? The leader of the Avengers is never gonna be with us anymorreee."
(simulataneously) "Yeah, I heard you the first time. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. (abruptly) When am I gettin' my own movie?!"
So they break back into S.H.I.E.L.D. to warn all the good S.H.I.E.L.D. people about the bad S.H.I.E.L.D. people.
And they're like, "Good S.H.I.E.L.D. people, do you want the future to be like 'Minority Report'?"
"You mean filled with a million plot holes? Because this movie already kind of has that."
"Just trust me, a guy who's been on the run, all of you have been told to kill, and I'm just asking you to suddenly take my word all of a sudden."
(salutes) "Alright, but only because you dress like the red, white and blue pancakes from Denny's!"
So this big, explosive action scene happens.
And there's this cool guy with wings named Falcon, and he's like, (flaps arms, going across screen) "I will bring back Silverhawk!"
So they stop the evil Robert Redford obvious bad guy, claim Pirate L. Jackson is dead because it worked so well the first time, leave it so that nobody's running S.H.I.E.L.D. for the moment, Black Widow's off to make her own movie, Captain America and Falcon are gonna look for what's-his-name--
And America rests soundly knowing that the government is no longer watching and listening to every single solitary thing that we're doing. (pauses, then peers closely at the camera)
So "Captain America: The Winter Elric" was really great.
And I'm especially looking forward to those evil siblings that they were building up in the middle of the credits!
I always thought the Wonder Twins were DC though.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
I swear it'll go to making "Captain America 3: What the Hell Are We Thinking Going Up Against Batman and Superman?"