(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam)
Doug (vo): Man, just when you think things can't get any worse, Camp Rock goddamn 2. If you saw my first review of Camp Rock, you know I thought it was a real piece of shit, but it was kind of so bad, it's good and...eh, it was just a piece of shit. But you know what? It made me laugh how bad it was. This one is definitely on the same level, if not more, but what little shred of naivete the first film had is totally erased here. And it's parading around like it has the most soul than humanity, and it has none of that, absolutely none of that! You feel every manipulative, bullshit, cookie cutter moment for what it is. It put me in a bad mood, and I'm here to bitch about it.
Story and review Edit
Doug (vo): Okay, so once again, Mitchie is returning to Camp Rock. She's surprised to find out, though, that Camp Rock is now a musical. Yeah, not like they sit around and sing songs or perform onstage like in the first one, no. Literally, everybody has a dance number ready. If someone just says, "Hey, I want to sing about something", suddenly, the whole camp joins in and they're all synchronized and it's like High School Musical. Wha...ju...the first film wasn't like that. So why is this suddenly like that? It's like if suddenly, in the Spider-Man movies, it turns into a musical...
(That infamous image of Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy dancing in Spider-Man 3 is shown)
Doug (vo): ...okay, that did kind of happen, but people hated that, too! But the guy who runs the camp is kind of bummed out, because it just so happens another rock camp opened right across from them, Camp Star, run by his ex-band member that he threw out because he just didn't make it about the music, man, and now he's vowing to destroy Camp Rock at all costs. How do I know this? Because he literally announces it to the entire camp!
Brown: Camp Star, founded not so coincidentally by my "out to destroy me" former bandmate, Axel Turner.
Doug (vo): Who does that?! Who's friggin' awkward enough to tell their entire camp this? But, to literally sweeten the deal, they parachute s'mores on the crowd, leading to probably my favorite line...
Barry: Graham crackers!
Doug (vo): Why does that make me laugh so much? It's just so clueless and lifeless.
Barry: Graham crackers!
Doug (vo): That's everybody's bland performance in one uninterested line.
Barry: Graham crackers!
Doug (vo): Camp Star invites Camp Rock over to a bonfire, which, I swear to God, is run by the brother of the guy who ran Cobra Kai, and randomly asks someone if they wanted to perform. Mitchie says yes, does one of many bland songs, and, big shock, they show them up with all these expensive dance numbers and, hey, offers the Camp Rock counselors on the spot to join their team, to which, of course, they all go over.
Axel Turner: If there are any Camp Rock counselors or staff who'd like to make the switch, I'd be more than willing to double your salary.
Doug (vo): Yeah, it's this kind of movie, guys. Even the blond girl, who's the villain in the first one that they became friends with at the end, she goes over there! Christ, didn't I call it? When there's no repercussions, this shit just repeats itself! This means, oh, no, Camp Rock has to be cancelled because they have no counselors. But, of course, Mitchie, her friends, and naturally, the Jonas Brothers, all come together to be counselors. But, uh-oh! Being a counselor is hard, as they all contribute their one personality trait of being clumsy. Yeah, nobody else has any other personality traits, it's just clumsiness. Ooh, I relate to them now!
(Scenes focusing on Camp Rock's showdown with Camp Star are shown)
Doug (vo): But when Camp Rock goes over to challenge Camp Star, master Cobra Kai says "Why don't we televise the whole thing?" (Stutters) What? Just like that, he has connections to broadcast this to millions of people. They, of course, agree, which pisses off the guy who owns Camp Rock, because he's like, "Oh, no! Camp Rock will close forever!" Oh, what are you talking about? Millions of people are gonna see you! Even if you lose, the phone will ring off the hook, you'll get all this free attention! But, nope! He thinks this is gonna be the end, which forces Mitchie to work even harder, but, oh, no! Is she losing the soul of the music? Is she losing the fun of camp? Camp Star has the money and moves, but do they have the love? Do they have the genuine human spirit? No, and neither do you, you corporate piece of shit! I'm sorry. This really pisses me off when Disney and the Jonas Brothers are saying you gotta be more authentic, you gotta be more real, and they just go into this bullshit song sequence with all the auto-tuning, and nothing about it feels authentic, it feels manipulative and bullshitty...is that even a word? I don't care. I'm making it a word. It's bullshitty!
(Clips focusing on Mitchie and Axel are shown)
Doug (vo): Even Mitchie, in the first film, I said I could see her actually kind of being a good actress. She had kind of this awkward smile that looked a little geeky, but it was still kind of charming. Here, that smile never goes away. If anything, they, like, perfected it, and it's on her face 24/7. I just wanna rip that little smile off, I see it so much! She seems like a robot. They all seem like robots. None of them seem like actual people. Oh, but we should listen, because this is the authentic side that has the heart and soul...oh, shut the hell up! If anything, I actually side with Camp Star. They say they're there to make people stars, and they say it has a lot of sacrifice and giving things up, and they're right! Anyone that knows anything about the entertainment industry will tell you this. If Camp Rock just wants to be a little fun camp where you play some songs and sit around a fire, that's fine. But why the hell do you have celebrities there? The Jonas Brothers are at your camp! As soon as you do that, it's not gonna be about just sitting around, singing songs and having fun! And maybe it would come across better if the people seemed like real people, but not one iota of them ever does.
(One of the film's supporting characters are shown)
Doug (vo): The only actress who sometimes seems genuine is the daughter of Cobra Kai. Yeah, they do a stupid Romeo and Juliet thing with star-crossed lovers on each camp, and to her credit, when she talks, she sounds like an actual human being. You don't see metaphorical charts and graphs all around her saying, "Hey, this'll hit a certain demographic" or "You gotta have this funny thing happen because numbers indicate this is where this stuff happens." She sells it like an actual person. Everyone else sounds bland, forced and forgettable. Even the songs, this is a musical, and, like, 90% of them are entirely pointless. You could've cut them and not miss a thing!
Final thought Edit
Doug (vo; sighs): I don't know why this movie pissed me off more than the last one. I mean, the last one was really bad, too, but something about this one just saying that it understands, like, real art, real poetry, the real human condition, and it so clearly doesn't. I feel like naive kids are gonna look at this and say, "I understand what it means to be an artist. I understand being a musician. I understand the sacrifice and being real." No, you don't. And neither does this movie. It doesn't even get a hint of it. Both art and entertainment should be taken seriously, and if you're saying you're a movie that understands both, and THIS is your understanding of it, then you're clearly showing your corporate strings being pulled. (Growls in annoyance) I said enough. This movie sucks. Bye.
Barry: Graham crackers!
(One of the film's final scenes, showing all the Camp Rock kids finishing playing their concert, is shown)