The Cinema Snob: Caligula (part 1) – Transcript
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Brad: For the 100th episode of The Cinema Snob I had to choose something notorious…something exploitive…something epic…controversial certainly helps. And it just so happens that the movie I chose…is my favorite film of all time.
Brad (while footage from "Caligula" is shown): I'm not even kidding! My favorite film of all time is Tinto Brass' "Caligula"!
Brad (proudly presenting his "Caligula" collection): Look! Special 3-disc edition that I can watch all the time! AND, special 3-disc edition that I've not taken out of the packaging, because I don't want dust touching my sleaze! But the best has gotta be my ultra-rare double vinyl "Caligula" soundtrack. Yes, when I wanna make sweet, sweet love, I don't put in the movie – I put in album one, side B. (The disco version of the song "We Are One" starts to play) My swimmers are having a training-montage in my pants…
Brad (vo): With a movie that combines the qualities of a lush 'big-budget-studio-Roman-epic-period'-piece and the kind of exploitation that Joe D'Amato would frequently get sued over; there is no other large-scale piece of high-quality smut exploitation that I could possibly choose over Bob Guccione's ode to paganism.
Brad: And it breaks my heart to snob this movie… (a beat) Alright, let's do this!
- - - (Montage of Brad dressing up as The Cinema Snob to the song "We Are One") - - -
Brad (as the music pauses): Alright… Let's go make fun of my favorite movie of all time.
- - - (Original opening credits with theme song "Believe It Or Not" playing) - - -
The Cinema Snob: So… THIS IS FUCKING "CALIGULA"!
The Cinema Snob (vo): A big-budget mainstream porno film that screwed its way into worldwide cinemas throughout the late 70's and early 80's. A movie to satisfy the taste of audiences craving the finest in bestiality and the finest in Shakespearean actors. It's like tracking down Laurence Olivier and asking him to perform "The Aristocrats" joke. But unless you know a little bit about roman history, odds are you're not even gonna get what the title of the movie even means… So let's start with that question: WHO IN THE HELL WAS CALIGULA?
- - - (Titlecard saying "Who was Caligula?" while the "Moonlight Sonata" is playing) - - -
- - - (Ask That Guy makes an appearance, standing in his bar) - - -
Ask That Guy: That's a very good question. Actually it turns out that Caligula was the 3rd Roman Emperor. The name "Caligula" actually means 'little soldier's boot'. Now I personally would never name anyone after a little soldier's boot; that's just fucking stupid. Though I did name a child once after a toaster. His name you might ask – Toaster! I also named a child 'Condom' once, but he was a mistake… a tad ironic when you think about it. So everybody thought that Caligula was gonna be an absolutely, wonderful king… But he wasn't; he was an ass. He was cruel, extravagant. Complacent several sexual perversities, hehehe… THAT I'm okay with. And thus everybody said "We shouldn't have elected that guy – he is a nut. He's got to go". And so everybody decided to get together and fire him… by killing him very badly. Rome lived happily ever after without anymore problems and thus caesar salad was officially made. THAT is how Santa Claus got his wings. This is 'That Guy With the Glasses' saying: Why the hell was I here? (NC sibs his drink and disappears downwards).
The Cinema Snob: Hmm, thank you. And I know exactly why you were there; it's so I don't have to sit here anymore and talk about thespian porn. (The Cinema Snob leaves the room for a couple of seconds and returns back to his seat) *Sigh* God dammit, bring on the roman titties.
The Cinema Snob (reacting to the opening title card saying "Pagan Rome: 37AD - 41AD" which stays onscreen for a long time): Oh, I'm sorry. I mean 'pagan' roman titties… (a beat) Okay, it's two word and two dates. I think I'm done with this titlecard now!
The Cinema Snob (new title card saying "What shall it profit a man if he should gain the whole world and lose his own soul – Mark 8:36" which also stays onscreen for quite a while): Oh yes, that's what I wanna see in front of a sex film; FUCKING SCRIPTURE! ?! You know, just because you add a bible verse to the beginning of something doesn't automatically make it classy! If that were the case I would start out all of my episodes like this!
- - - (Title card saying "The Midwest - 2010" followed by another title card saying "His disciples had gone into town to buy food" - John 4:8") - - -
The Cinema Snob: See? You get the point. Now let's get back to the fucking movie.
The Cinema Snob (as the title card from before is shown again): Oh shit, it's still at the fucking bible verse?! This verse is onscreen for so long that I could probably gain enough wealth for its meaning to apply to me! After literally 1 minute of screentime the title card is cut out.
The Cinema Snob (reacting to opening scene showing a herd of sheep): WHOA, WHOA!?! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!… I know the reputation of this movie. If I wanna see sheep-fucking I'll stick with "Everything you always wanted to know about sex, but we're afraid to ask" – thank you very much!
The Cinema Snob (as the camera pans away from the sheep): Oh, so the sheep aren't really part of the scene? Way to scare my dick, asshole! That's not being a cocktease; that's being a cock-rapist!
The Cinema Snob (vo): So in the first scene we see Malcolm McDowell as Caligula frolicking with some girl to the music of… Wait a minute, I know that tune! That's "Adagio" from the Spartacus ballet.
- - - (Footage from the ballet is shown while "Adagio" is playing) - - -
The Cinema Snob: I guess this is appropriate for those leaving the ballet feeling deprived of sheep and vagina! This looks like they're interpreting what God did when he rested on the 7th day. I'm really glad these two are happy, but I don't know why… Given this movie was filmed in the 70's and THAT's Malcolm McDowell I can only assume this sequence is gonna end with rape.
- - - (The love scene suddenly cuts away to the opening credits, featuring an image of a bleeding Caligula-gold coin) - - -
The Cinema Snob: Oh, never mind. This scene just ends. Just cuts away to a… Roman coin on its period? What kind of opening sequence is that? It just feels like some kind of lighthearted sex-rough from the early 90's.
- - - (90's video-filter styled footage of Jillian Zurawski to the tune of 90's music. The text "June 13th, 1992" is shown) - - -
Jillian (with a seductive voice): Tonight on "Sloughy from Cable" we're spotlighting a cautionary tale of greed, lust and debauchery in ancient Rome. So you may wanna cork your asses, 'cause this fist is getting all larded up… (Angry and serious voice) REALLY??? We're really doing "Caligula" on this show?!?
The Cinema Snob (off camera): It's a classic, Shannon!
Jillian: Yeah, but I don't think I wanna meet the people who get a hard-on from looking at my rag and then finish off to two chicks urinating on a corpse…
The Cinema Snob: This is Cinemax, Shannon. We're only showing the R-rated version.
Jillian: Oh great… So now I just have to worry about the people who are so desperate to leave them watch the R-rated version of "Caligula"!?
The Cinema Snob (back to the opening credits of "Caligula"): After Caligula introduces himself through narration, we cue in more lifted ballet music.
The Cinema Snob: This piece is from "Romeo and Juliet", which is a lot like "Caligula" if your replaced Juliet with two lesbians and Romeo with a puddle of urine. What the hell does "adapted from an original screenplay" mean? Adapted from a screenplay that was probably much better than this film? That's all I can figure! It's funny when a movie is a remake of an original script THAT WASN'T EVEN TURNED INTO A MOVIE!!!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Caligula and his lover Drusilla go about frolicking in their bedroom, probably because the smell of the sheep-feces got to be too heavy.
Caligula: It's disgusting.
Drusilla: Is not! It's only large…
The Cinema Snob: Pfft, holy crap! Her vagina is very poorly dubbed.
The Cinema Snob (vo): Drusilla immediately has to hide when they're interrupted by Macro, the head of the Praetorian Guard. But things get awkward when Macro clearly notices Drusilla.
Caligula: How is Ennia?
Macro: My wife lives on if in the day she can see you again, Prince.
The Cinema Snob: Caligula is a bastard! I know I hate it when other people cheat on MY wife.
The Cinema Snob (vo): Caligula has gotten the message to meet with his dying grandfather, Emperor Tiberius on the Island of Capri.
- - - (The scene cuts away to shot of naked slaves doing stonecutting) - - -
The Cinema Snob (reacting to said scene): Okay, okay… When you have a shot that is primarily made of cock, (referring to obelisks in the background) are these statues really necessary?
The Cinema Snob (reacting to Caligula being transported by soldiers through a quarry filled with naked slaves): I would like to think that this is just how Malcolm McDowell gets transported everywhere. Shit, if transportation like that was in my contract, even I would be in fucking "Tank Girl" (poster of said movie is briefly shown).
The Cinema Snob (vo): Caligula is lead through the halls of Capri where the off-camera extras seem to be going through more torture than the audience.
Caligula (while whipping noises followed screams of pain can be heard further down the hallway): Seven of my colleagues in the Senate have been put to death… for treason. NINE to be exact! Five of the cheated; they killed themselves. That wasn't playing fair…
The Cinema Snob: I think we're just overhearing the producer's S&M session!
Tiberius (while swimming in a pool): Caligula!
The Cinema Snob (reacting to his unflattering appearance): Wow! So if Peter O'Toole's liver can take human form, THIS is probably what it would look like (showing a still of his decaying face).
The Cinema Snob (vo): When the camera isn't randomly cutting to cocks and vaginas for no reason whatsoever, we see that Peter O'Toole is the Emperor Tiberius and is enjoying an afternoon in the swimming pool with his little fishes… No, seriously! That's what he's calling his naked mascots in this film; his 'little fishes'. What, you wanna see some more? Just look at this other clip.
- - - (Scene from Bruno Mattei's "Caligula and Messalina" is shown) - - -
Tiberius: Dear little fishes, drink with me. Mmm… Do my little fishes please you, Nero?
The Cinema Snob: See!? Boy, the quality of the movie sure had its shit decreased…
- - - (Cut to Brad Jones sitting in a bar with Brian and Sarah Lewis) - - -
Brad: Hey, dipshit! That's not Caligula; that's Bruno Mattei's Caligula reincarnated as Nero. It's one-part movie, two-part stock-footage and just a teaspoon of liquified methane.
Brian: Just a teaspoon?
Brad: We don't want the movie to make the audience sick.
Sarah: Too late… *puking*
Brian: Oh, Jesus Christ!
The Cinema Snob (back to shots Peter O'Toole in "Caligula"): The Peter O'Toole performance in this movie is… really weird and unlike anything I've seen in my life. Sure, you've seen plenty of drunk performances in your days. But this is the kind of rare acting you get when you chain-smoke marihuana and chuck a barrel full of Johnnie Walker.
Tiberius: Oh, dance for me. Delight me… DANCE!!!
The Cinema Snob: I assume that back in those days O'Toole himself just made people dance that crazy dance.
- - - (Caligula performs said dance, with cutaways to naked musicians) - - -
The Cinema Snob: Okay, okay… Just because there's an organ on the soundtrack, it doesn't mean you actually have to SHOW US AN ORGAN!!!
The Cinema Snob (as Tiberius changes clothes behind curtains): Since Tiberius' robe was soaked with the finest of roman vodka, he changes clothes. Well that's a ridiculous magic trick; you can do anything behind those curtains if you just randomly cut to an extra's penis! I think my favorite O'Toole parts in this movie are when he just yells for no reason whatsoever.
Tiberius (complete silence before he randomly bursts out): …HEAVEN HELP ROME!!!
The Cinema Snob: Was he talking to the actors or his on-set assistant? Either way, it awkwardly made it into the movie!
Caligula: You are a god, Lord.
Tiberius: *sinister laughing*… No, I'm NOT! Not even when I'm dead.
Caligula: Julius Caesar and Augustus Caesar, they are gods.
The Cinema Snob: Hehe, yes! They were gods and they also had BETTER movies made about them!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Well, what's a day of binge acting without a little slapstick?
- - - (Shot of Caligula pushing Claudius into the pool, followed by a cartoon-fanfare) - - -
The Cinema Snob: *sarcastic laugh*… Interesting how this movie turns Claudius into Fatty Arbuckle.
The Cinema Snob (as the camera in the next scene zooms out, about to reveal a lot of naked people): Okay, before I go any further into Tiberius' grotto here, let's just see how many tits and cocks I have to blackbox from this blurry stillshot.
- - - (Nine blackboxes appear one by one, making the coin-sound from "Super Mario"; with the 5th blackbox making the 1up-sound) - - -
The Cinema Snob: Oh, good. It sounded like I got an extra life there, just like I'm sure that another life was created in the filming of that shot.
The Cinema Snob: Tiberius and Caligula catch one of the guards drunk on the job and let's just say it's a little more graphic than if this were to happen to Homer Simpson.
- - - (Shot of the drunk guard being forced to drink large quantities through a horn. The scene then cuts to a woman watching it take place, smirking while holding a wooden dildo between her breasts) - - -
The Cinema Snob: What the hell is this lady smirking for? That's nice when you get judged by someone whose job it is to get tittyfucked by a wooden cock all day long! What follows is the sequence where Tiberius takes Caligula on a tour of his palace of nymphomaniacs…… And there is so much here that I can't show… So, so much that I can't show… So don't get mad at me if I can't show you the hermaphrodite (a beat) with a penis growing out of her vagina… Because apparently that's how that works!?!
Tiberius: MORE CONVICTION!!!
CS: Mhm, yes. More conviction. For those of you who don't know that Tiberius telling them not to start fucking, but to fuck HARDER!
The Cinema Snob (reacting to scenes that happens off-camera): Oh no, you can't stick an entire pole up there!… (a beat) Can you really make a feather-wheel like that?… (a beat) You know, a roman sex-swing looks like a really inconvenient way to get a blow job!…… *adjusting his glasses in disbelief* Is that… IS THAT A FUCKING SNAKE???
The Cinema Snob (vo): And every now and then it just cuts to the Chicago Bulls' mascot out of nowhere. Given that its horns are in plain sight I'm a little terrified as to what's going on behind that curtain.
The Cinema Snob (a shot of random people dancing): Are they fucking line dancing up there? If you think THAT's weird, wait 'till it gets to the literally freaky section. (A montage of people with different deformities is shown to which CS reacts) What's this? A guy with four legs? That can come in handy if you really have a gooch fetish… Yuck! Four-handed freaks? Oh great, so I can get a handjob while getting my belly rubbed with the same arm. Oh, three-eyed lady? Could come in handy if you mean one eyeball to stare at each individual tit from "Total Recall". Oh yeah and it also shows a man with an ass on his stomach getting a rimjob. Just in case you're a shiteater who complains that your feces doesn't have enough lint in it!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Oh, thank God! We're back at the torture scene.
The Cinema Snob (impersonating Tiberius): Have you given him more wine? Huh, what the hell? I meant a 'glass' of wine! What in Jupiter's name are you doing to this man?
- - - (Tiberius stabs the drunk guard in the stomach with a dagger; blood gushes out) - - -
The Cinema Snob (uncomfortable): Mmmhmmmmm… Must have been a good year.
- - - (The show suddenly gets interrupted by Noah Antwiler / Spoony Experiment, dressed as Caligula standing in front of the Colosseum) - - -
Spoony (impersonating Caligula): Greetings, Cinema Snob!
The Cinema Snob (surprised): …'the hell???
Spoony: It is I, Caligula! 4th Emperor of Rome. I've just come from nominating my horse as senator and my horse's cock is the head of the Praetorian Guard. Yes, they laughed at my ideas but let's see them laugh when I'm balls deep inside their wives! All of them I will turn into Rome's most expensive of whores…
- - - (The Cinema Snob sits silently, unimpressed and unconvinced. Cuts back to Spoony smiling nervously) - - -
The Cinema Snob: No, no, please. I wanna see where you're going with this…
Spoony: Uhm, bow down down before me! I am every man as I am no man and so therefore I am a god! Ehm, watch as I make sweet love to both my sister and my prostitute wife who, uhm… used to have sex for money, you know!?
The Cinema Snob: Okay, so you expect me to believe that Caligula, who died in the year 41 AD, has resurrected in modern times only to acquire technology to hack directly into my video-feed?
Spoony (raising his voice): I am Caligula! I've been reincarnated several times. Once as Nero and again as Hitler! Uhm, my consul's name is 'Longinus'… (Static occurs in the background, revealing the image of Colosseum to be nothing but a Green Screen) Ehm, uh, probably a very good joke in there somewhere, but I'm a little rusty and my speechwriters have been dead now for nearly 2000 years…
The Cinema Snob: Dude, your Green Screen just went out! I can see it right behind you! You're not even trying! You could've picked, I don't know,… a park or some kind of tree to stand in front of.
Spoony: Trees, hah! I've ordered them all chopped down to provide massive stilts for the naked and well-hung.
The Cinema Snob: WHAT???
Spoony (finally gives in): I…… Okay, I give up… I got nothing else, man…
The Cinema Snob: How have you been, Spoony?
Spoony: Been doing pretty well. I did my "Deadliest Warrior" not long ago and I've been killing time since then watching some "Beastmaster"-movies.
The Cinema Snob: Marc Singer, that's a way to kill an afternoon.
Spoony: I wanna get a bunch of ferrets so I can like have them steal shit and bring it to me.
The Cinema Snob: Heh, don't we all?
Spoony: So, how have you been?
The Cinema Snob: *shrugs* I watch porn for a living.
Spoony: Well, have fun with that!… Uhm, if you'll excuse me I gotta go put on my Bybies-costume and go and interrupt Linkara's video.
The Cinema Snob: See you, buddy!
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): Now that the guard torturing and the stilted sex-party are over with, we can finally get down to some roman business.
Tiberius: I, Tiberius Caesar, command on the name of the Senate and the people of Rome. (After Tiberius stamps some paper he makes a deadlike facial expression).
The Cinema Snob: *giggling* I think we've just the seen the first of many drunk Tiberius blackout faces.
- - - (A still of Tiberius' 'blackout'-face is shown while the sound of someone violently puking is played) - - -
Tiberius: The Senate is the natural enemy of any Caesar, Little Boots. Remember that. Traitors. Look at them.
The Cinema Snob: Oh yeah, that's how I wanna go out: I wanna have my body wrapped in a cocoon by the spider from the end of Stephen King's "IT".
Tiberius: And your sister, Drusilla…
Caligula: My sister is my sister, Lord.
Tiberius: I know everything that is said and done… (a beat) And thought!
The Cinema Snob: Hmm yes, sister…… (acts confused) Wait a minute, 'sister… Drusilla'? THAT GIRL FROM EARLIER IN THE MOVIE??? Eeeeewwww!!! You know, you could've established earlier in the movie that that's his fucking sister! I wish I'd known that the sequence I beat off to three times now is FUCKING INCEST PORN! And yet so far, it's the most normal thing in this fucking movie!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Tiberius introduces to the movie Caligula's cousin, Gemellus… or eh, Michael Cera.
Caligula: I am your grandson too, Caesar.
Tiberius: By adoption. This is the last flesh of my flesh.
The Cinema Snob: Hah! My grandfather used to say the same thing to me every Thanksgiving *smling*.
Tiberius: Brother kills a brother… who's killed his father who's killed his son; fate.
The Cinema Snob: Wait, wait wait! Take that back a bit… (Stillshot of Tiberius looking directly into the camera) Hah, fourth wall breaking! Busted! He's so fucking blitzed right now I'm not sure if he knows that he's in a fucking movie!
The Cinema Snob (vo): The scene after this is really confusing. We cut to Caligula in bed with his SISTER, but he left his sister in Rome!? And you can tell that this is the same set from earlier in the movie. So he made the trip back to snuggle with his sister? Even though one minute later he's back in Capri; shaving his beard because he's become a man? Except that in the opening scene his beard was shaved… If you ask me this movie is as hastily put together as stomach-ass-man. Though I guess there's some important stuff in these scenes. We find out that Caligula is afraid of ravens I guess because they're gonna hum Beethoven's "9th Symphony". Also it looks like Macro's wife, Ennia did incredibly well at her Cleopatra auditions.
The Cinema Snob (vo): Disaster strikes when Tiberius' oldest friend, Nerva, played by Sir 'Why-the-hell-was-he-in-this' has slit his own wrists and lays dying…
Tiberius: You will respect my friend always, won't you, reptile?
Caligula: I've always respected him, Lord.
The Cinema Snob: Well, that's because you have yet to see his cameo in "Arthur 2: On the Rocks". At least this means Tiberius can give his friend one more drunk face.
Tiberius: …You're cruel!
- - - (The scene freezes as Tiberius makes another 'blackout'-face accompanied with the 'violent puking'-sound) - - -
The Cinema Snob: Great, that puke is really gonna infect his wrist wounds!
The Cinema Snob (impersonating Tiberius): Wonder to empowers; deactivate old friend…
The Cinema Snob: After Tiberius leaves, Caligula takes this as a golden opportunity to get secondhand knowledge of the afterlife.
Caligula: Do you see her?
Nerva: Who?
Caligula: The Goddess, Isis!
Nerva: Oh, you're one of those who believe…
Caligula: Do you see her?
Nerva: No…
- - - (The scene cuts to footage from the TV series "Isis" from 1975) - - -
The Cinema Snob (as Nerva): Wait, wait… I see her! She's standing on a cliff. Now she's flying through the air and using her powers against a crooked real-estate agent.
The Cinema Snob: So the next morning at Capri…
- - - (The Cinema Snob suddenly gets interrupted by Joe Vargas / Angry Joe, dressed up as Caligula) - - -
Angry Joe (shouting): Greetings, Cinema Snob! I am Caligula! (A brief shot of a shocked Cinema Snob is shown) I invented a machine that decapitates roman traitors and feeds their balls to the palace dogs! For I am the descendant of the god Jupiter and offspring of…
The Cinema Snob (interrupting Joe's speech): Spoony beat you to it…
Angry Joe: OH, FUCK MY COCK!!! *leaves offstage*
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): The next morning at Capri… Eh, wait a minute was that a fucking rooster I just heard? (the sound of a crowing rooster can be heard) What are they; next to Old McDonald's farm? Doesn't this movie already have enough cock?
The Cinema Snob (over footage of people tortured in various ways): Caligula stands and watches over slaves bathing in blood while thinking about what possibly goes on in Mel Gibson's onset trailers. He then gets word of Tiberius' continuing frailty.
Caligula: How long will he last?
Charicles: Well, it could happen any moment, but with care he might last a year or so.
The Cinema Snob: Well, if Fred Penner says he could last a year, then we better get on this and kill him right away! At first Caligula thinks Tiberius is dead, prompting him to remove the imperial ring with more unnecessary slapstick.
- - - (Shot of Caligula hopelessly removing the ring from Tiberius' finger with cartoonish sounds playing over) - - -
The Cinema Snob (vo): After Tiberius wakes up Macro comes in to finish the job – and you know Macro is the one that Caligula can trust, since Macro already promised his wife to Caligula AND he went through the 'Mr. Joshua fire-test of loyalty'.
The Cinema Snob (as Macro chokes Tiberius to death): Pfft, I'm sorry. I forgot that in roman times mesh worked like plastic. I know it's around his throat too, but this still looks hilarious!
Caligula: Gemellus. We are alone. We must love each other.
The Cinema Snob (as Caligula): You'll be the first one that I fist…
The Cinema Snob: Caligula has sworn in doing a simultaneous inauguration and funeral ceremony. Hah! Jesus, even in death he makes the drunk face!
- - - (The 'violent puking'-sound plays yet again) - - -
Caligula: Caesar.
Drusilla: Caesar. Emperor of Rome. Lord of the World.
Caligula: Lord of the World… I like this dream.
The Cinema Snob: Well, I DON'T like this dream! In fact, I consider it to be a nightmare. You know, like "Nightmare on Elm Street 5". Not because that movie is about nightmares, but because that movie also sucks.
The Cinema Snob (vo): Caligula takes the stage for his big speech to the masses.
- - - (Caligula coughs while the Senate laughs) - - -
The Cinema Snob: Oh, great. He has already fucked it up… You may have freed the stomach-ass
slaves but everyone is gonna remember the speech-cough. Caligula asks Drusilla to bring out an onion to give the impression he's crying, (shots of the deformed people from earlier are shown briefly) as if remembering any of the imagery in this film isn't enough to make him cry!
Caligula: When our beloved Tiberius was dying…
Man in the crowd: TO THE TIBER WITH TIBERIUS!!!
Rest of the crowd: YES! YES! THROW HIM TO THE RIVER!
The Cinema Snob: BRING CONAN BACK!!!
Claudius: Caesar Caligula…
Caligula: Take your place…
Claudius: Uhm, I mean Calisus…
- - - ('Wha-wha-wha'-sound is playing) - - -
The Cinema Snob (while the poster of "I, Claudius" is shown): You know it's funny when you see one historical piece that paints Claudius in a noble light and another which paints him like a hybrid of both Laurel AND Hardy. I'm just happy I get to watch one whole scene that I don't have to blackbox… Well, I guess I could put in a blackbox just for the hell of it! (A blackbox appears, blocking Drusilla's armpit)
- - - (The show suddenly gets interrupted by Linkara / Lewis Lovhaug) - - -
Linkara (shouting): STOP! STOP! Look, I don't know how this is possible but I just received a video-message from the Bybies! All of Earth has approximately 60 seconds left until it all blows right into the moons of Jupiter! And well… Before we die, there's something I always wanted to say to you!
The Cinema Snob (in an uninterested manner): … Okay, what?
Linkara (normal voice): I liked your old set better…
The Cinema Snob: *shrugs* Me too…
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): Immediately Caligula's paranoia begins to set in as he devises a masterplan to get rid of Macro.
Longinus: Oh, but Caesar, that's not possible…
Caligula: All things that happen are possible, Longinus. Make the impossible happen, then it'd be possible.
The Cinema Snob (shocked): I'm sorry, his name is WHAT?
Claudius: … Longinus, you here.
Longinus: Yes, Caesar.
The Cinema Snob: 'Longinus'? Well, that's perfect. Longinus, why don't you come stand here next to 'Clitsia' and 'Testiclis'?
The Cinema Snob (vo): Caligula gets Gemellus to rat out father Karras from "The Exorcist", thus making Chaerea the new head of the Praetorian Guard… Wait a minute, I know this guy! Why does the word 'Mangia' come to my mind? (A brief scene from "Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom" is shown) Oh, because this movie isn't gross enough it needs a direct link with "Salò"! Well, as long as we keep feces and the mouths of children away from this guy, we should be fine. With Macro gone Caligula seizes the opportunity to be rid of Ennia… (Shot of Caligula pissing) After taking a leak first. I would yell about that being completely unnecessary, but I've taken five craps in my pants since I started watching this movie. The smell overrides the foul stench coming from this movie.
Caligula: Chaerea, she's to be banished…… ehm, to Gaul!
The Cinema Snob: Banishment? Just Banishment? Well, she's getting off easy. And believe me, in Caligula getting off easy is no easy task. With Ennia gone Caligula is reminded by his sister that he still needs to find a suitable wife.
Caligula: No…
Drusilla (grapping his crotch): Yes.
The Cinema Snob: …… During this movie I've seen sex-toys hammered into women's vaginas. The incest is NOT shocking me anymore!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Drusilla brings Caligula to the temple of Isis which is being run by Penthouse Pets apparently. The decision to pick a queen becomes rather easy, because the queen IS actually there! Helen Mirren contains so much hotness that she can even spring a boner in "Caligula".
Drusilla: Oh no, not Caesonia… She's the most promiscuous woman in Rome.
The Cinema Snob: The most promiscuous woman in Rome? That's kinda like saying the cheapest hooker in Vegas. Expensive? Cheap? Either way, you're leaving this town with genital warts.
The Cinema Snob (vo): Before the two can even exchange words with each other they must go through the imperial tradition of… ehm, cutting the lady's neck and sucking her blood!? What the fuck, is this a vampire movie all of a sudden? And that really looked to be a really rusty knife! I do NOT wanna know what that blood taste like!
- - - (Cut to an episode of "Brad Tries", where he drinks a warm cup of blood) - - -
Brad: Hello and on this "Brad Tries" we're doing blood… That's right, just blood. Blood energy drink; gives you up to 4 hours of energy and as it says here "is perfect for both humans and vampires". Nowadays that's kind of a redundant thing to say, but this isn't just any old blood. No no, it takes some preparation. (As the following instructions are portrayed) First you twist off the blood cap. Then you pour the blood into a microwave-safe cup. Microwave on "High" for 14 seconds. It feels like a long time when you're waiting for some delicious blood… And once you hear that ring take your blood out and prepare to serve. And now we're ready to have some blood… *drinks from the cup, making a grumpy face afterwards* … It's okay, but why does it have to be warm? Why does it have to be heated up…? It would be like if I went and heated up a thing like Hawaiian punch. What's the point of that? This would be alright if it was cold… And it does have a weird bone marrow aftertaste. (a beat) This would be the kind of blood that "Dracula 2000" would drink.
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula", the love scene between Caligula and Caesonia): This is actually kind of a sexy love scene, which is a rare feat. in this movie. I actually feel like I should… (the scene suddenly cuts away to a scene featuring a head chopping machine beheading prisoners trapped in the ground) OH, WHAT THE FUCK!?! HEAD CHOPPING??? THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE CUTTING TO? (An exterior shot of the machine is shown) THAT MACHINE DID NOT EXIST!!!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Instead of an engagement ring, Caesonia gets… a rope around her neck!? That's rather sexist there, movie.
Caligula: Longinus…
Longinus: Caesar?
The Cinema Snob: Will you stop calling him that! Everyone has fun throwing fruit at Macro's head (a brief shot of clearly a fake head is shown) and the plaster heads that mostly make up this field. Is the twist of this movie that everyone is super tiny and takes place in someone's backyard, with that machine being the lawnmower? Because that would make the movie kinda genius! Otherwise that machine's involvement with this movie is really fucking stupid!
- - - (The show suddenly gets interrupted by LordKat / Jason Pullara, dressed as Caligula holding a peach) - - -
LordKat (in an uninterested manner): Hey, Cinema Snob.
The Cinema Snob: Ehm, hi?!?
LordKat: I'm Caligula…
The Cinema Snob: Okay, is that all?
LordKat: Eh yeah, pretty much… Just letting you know that I'm Caligula and all…
The Cinema Snob (confused): No funny jokes or anything…?
LordKat (being offended): Funny jokes? What funny jokes? I totally did the 4th roman emperor. Isn't that impressive enough as it is? Why do I have to make you laugh, you putz!?
The Cinema Snob (sarcastically): Okay, fine. Nice meeting you, Caligula.
LordKat: Yeah, see ya'…
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): Now with Caligula's engagement he must spread the love to everyone he knows; so they attend the wedding of roman guard Proculus. (A brief shot of a penis-cake is shown) I think that penis-cake has been delivered to the wrong wedding, because clearly it should go to 'Penis-hair' from "The Last Airbender". But all of this is just a setup for the worst wedding gift ever!
Drusilla: I thought you didn't like virgins.
Caligula: I've never known any… (a beat) That is correct, Caesonia?
Caesonia: Hahahahahaha…
The Cinema Snob: Hehehehehe… Because my wife is a whore…
The Cinema Snob (talking about the following fisting-scene): Okay, in a movie with notorious scenes this may actually be the most notorious scene. It's hard for me to actually break the scene down comedically, so I'll just show you this (A brief shot of Caligula with a larded up hand is shown)… And this (Shot of Proculus in pain)… And this (Shot of Caligula gently puts a flower in Proculus' ass). *smiling* SCENE! Trivia-note; McDowell actually ad libbed the bit with the flower. And it is kinda amazing watching the gears work in his head as it hits him to that to this actor. I think it was right about here… (the clip freezes) Yep, that's the look of a man who has the bright idea to stick a flower in a guy's ass.
The Cinema Snob (in a happy mood): And that's where we leave off with "Caligula" for today; with the fisting-scene! Yep, fisting! If that doesn't bring people back for the second part of the episode, nothing will! In fact, I'll just spoil it for you right now! Proculus, the fistie, dies in the second part. So if you liked the fisting scene and you wanna see more, stay tuned!
- - - (Titlecard appears, saying "To Be Continued…") - - -
Caligula: I wonder what I should wear…