Announcer:
And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Borat."
Chester:
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this strange, eccentric guy with a thick accent.
And he travels all the way from his country to ours.
And he makes everybody feel uncomfortable!
And... Oh, wait a minute. I'm doing the movie "Borat." *laughs* Silly me. That's not "Borat." I'm supposed to be doing "Bruno." I'm sorry. Let's try this again.
(Show rewinds to the opening)
Announcer:
Tonight's review: "Bruno."
Chester:
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this strange, eccentric guy with a thick accent.
And he travels all the way from his country to ours.
And he makes everybody feel uncomfortable!
Whew! I almost made a huge mistake there.
So, the guy's name is Bruno, and I think he's Austrian.
And he goes around to everybody asking, "Who are you wearing?"
Somebody asked me that once! "Who are you wearing?"
And I said, "I'm wearing Franklin the second grader!"
And then he said, "What about the pants?" And I said, "I don't know what they're wearing."
And then he was like, "What about the shoes?" And I said, "They're hush puppies!"
And he said, "They're made from hush puppies?" I said, "No! They're made OUT of hush puppies!"
Bunch of dogs were bothering me, so I beat the crap out of them...
And turned them into shoes!
That hushed 'em up!
And then I finally asked the nice man, "Who are you anyway?"
And he said his name was Joan Rivers.
And he lived in a box right next to me.
But I digress.
The movie was awesome!
Why? Because it took place in real situations!
That's right! Real situations!
Which is funny, because a lot of the real people are not very good actors.
But it's all real! It's totally real!
Like that guy from "Borat" who's suing them because he chased him around.
Only cameramen in the real world would know what corner he's gonna turn so they can get all those appropriate shots!
And everyone likes to say the lawsuits aren't real - they're just doing it for publicimaty.
But I tell you they ARE real!
I should know! I tried to sue 'em!
He tried to steal my idea of guerilla-style filmmaking!
Except I used actual gorillas!
Not easy actors.
So what if they ate all my equipment and threw feces at me? It's still a good idea!
So, the Bruno guy tries to make his own TV show.
And it had interviews, current fashion, and a talking penis!
I swear to God! A talking penis!
My penis used to talk all the time!
But we're not on speaking terms.
(Chester's penis suddenly talks in a high-pitched voice)
Penis:
Maybe if everybody would stop laughing at me.
Chester:
Oh, c'mon! It's not your fault that they laugh at you! It's just the way you were born!
Penis:
You mean the way YOU were born.
Chester:
Shut up!
Penis:
You shut up!
Chester:
Honestly, I can't take him anywhere.
So, the movie mostly consists of gay jokes.
A-A-And gay jokes.
A-A-And...gay jokes.
But then, it ends with the house slowly falling into the clouds as the old man and the little boy finally reconci---
Wait, no. That was the movie "Up."
"Bruno" just ended with more gay jokes.
I love gay jokes!
Like, knock knock! (long pause, looks down) I said, knock knock!
Penis:
(sighs) Who's there?
Chester:
Boo!
Penis:
Boo who?
Chester:
Don't cry, you stupid f**!
Penis:
Oh my God, that is the worst thing you ever said! How dare you call me a British cigarette!
Chester:
Why? The British are always so happy and gay over there!
Penis:
You are scum, Chester A. Bum! And you're going to Hell.
Chester:
Oh yeah? Well, if I'm going, you're coming with me!
Penis:
No I'm not! I'm going to penis heaven, where all the great penises go to lay!
Chester:
Really? There's a penis heaven?
Penis:
Yes. All the great penises are there! John F. Kennedy's, Jack the Ripper's, and even Bill Clinton's.
Chester:
Wait a minute. What are you talking about? Those penises all did horrible things!
Penis:
They had nothing to do with it! They're all victims of the men they were attached to!
Chester:
But wait a minute. What about Bill Clinton's penis? He isn't dead yet.
Penis:
No, but his penis is. Once Hillary found out about the affair, she did not take it well. It was first-degree penicide!
Chester:
You know what? Shut up!
Penis:
You shut up!
(Chester punches his penis and screams in pain)
Chester:
Egh! Dammit! You always win every time we fight!
So, anyway, "Bruno" is the greatest movie ever made, and my penis sucks!
He is the worst talking penis I've ever seen in my life!
Penis:
Bumhole!
Chester:
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least help me get a castration!
Penis:
You don't have the balls!
Chester:
I certainly won't if you keep it up!