June 3rd, 2014
(Cue the Nostalgia Critic opening before we fade to NC at his desk. His parts are filmed in standard 480p resolution and in fullscreen.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know, I was walking down the aisles of a video store when I noticed something I haven't seen in years: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. Immediately, a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me, and I just knew I had to see this piece of shit again. Now for those of you who don't remember the special, I'll give you the skinny.
(Period of silence.)
NC: Usually some clips from the special would play here, but seeing how my copy died a long time ago, I'm just gonna move on without it. (clears throat)
Rob Walker (vo): Uh, Critic?
(Cut to Rob, whose parts are filmed in current High Definition resolution, at the camera.)
Rob: What are you doing?
NC: Isn't it great? I'm recreating the glory days of my first review!
Rob: But you're missing one of the most important elements. It's only half a review without it.
NC: No, it's okay. (leaves his desk, going over to Rob) I thought about that! You see, I fill in the void by replacing it with a bunch of other critics! Like, Black Critic...
(Black Critic (Malcolm Ray) is shown.)
NC: Little Kid Critic...
(Little Kid Critic (Tamara Chambers) is shown.)
NC: Animated Kitten Critic...
(A cartoon kitten, drawn in the same design as he was on NC's Rover Dangerfield review, is shown as he meows and waves.)
NC: Sexy Female Critic...
(Sexy Female Critic (Dayna Munday) is shown.)
NC: Invisible Critic...
(A blank corner of the room (and nothing else) is shown.)
NC: ...who might just be a wall. And, of course, Cameo Critic!
Cameo Critic (Brad Jones): Eh, (shrugs) it's a living!
Rob: Was this a fan request or something?
NC: No, that's the great thing about it! Nobody wanted to see it, and now it's here for everybody to witness!
Rob: Critic, how can anyone enjoy a recreation that only has half of what made it good, forceful comedic sidekicks, practically nothing new to offer, and wasn't something that the fanbase ever demanded in the first place to begin with?
NC: I think they get the idea.
Rob: All right.
NC: Blues Brothers 2000.
The title of the movie is displayed before various clips from it are shown.
NC (vo): Based on the classic SNL Chicago musical about two blues musicians trying to save an orphanage and somehow end up becoming the most wanted men in America, the sequel, shot 18 years later, is kind of like that, minus the enjoyment. It's a desperate retread between writer/actor Dan Akyroyd and writer/director John Landis to relive the glory days by somehow bringing us none of the glory. As such, it's said to be one of the most pointless, underwhelming, and just downright bizarre sequels in comedy history. (Laughs as poster of Weekend at Bernie's II is displayed) And trust me, that's saying a great deal.
Cut to NC back at the desk and still in standard resolution.
NC: So, let's see what's wrong with the past by... (looks at the black bars on the sides and pushes them out of the way, thus restoring the picture to its usual HD resolution) ...getting out of the past. This is Blues Brothers 2000.
The film opens up with Elwood (Dan Aykroyd) at prison.
Taj Mahal: (singing) Tell me, who's that writin'? / John The Revelator...
NC (vo): At first, the opening number seems legitimately subtle, and even kind of atmospheric. But this movie is like Huntington's disease. It works very slowly.
The prison warden, again played by Frank Oz, enters an office at the prison.
Officer: Good morning, warden.
NC (vo): Frank Oz plays one of the many returning cast members who just looks old and sad now, as he tells Elwood about his brother Jake's departure.
We see a long shot of the Warden approaching Elwood and speaking to him.
NC (vo, as Warden): You got no plot; you got no comedy; you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you have an entertaining sock puppet under your hat, count me the fuck out of this. (normal voice) So after finding out about his...
NC: (confused) ...drug overdose in prison?
NC (vo): A friend of a friend pops by to pick him up a mere 24 hours later. Hey, better late than never. Or, as you'll constantly say in this movie, better never than ever.
Elwood: Matara, can you drop me off here, please?
NC (vo): So he drops by the nun from the previous installment to tell you who else died since the first film you saw.
Mother Mary Stigmata: Curtis has gone on as well, Elwood. I'm sorry.
Elwood: The orphanage is gone; Jake's gone; Curtis is gone. I got no brother; I got no roots; I got no life. I got nothin', for Christ sake.
NC: And yet, you're still making a movie. See the problem here?
NC (vo): By the way, isn't it good to know that the orphanage is gone, too? That everything the first film was working for was completely in vain?
Elwood: He was very upset when the orphanage closed.
(We cut to Jake's enlightenment scene from the first movie.)
NC (vo): Maybe that whole intro where God was giving light to Jake was actually supposed to be saying...
Reverend Cleophus James: Have you seen the light?
Jake: YES! YES! JESUS!
NC (vo, as God): Whoops! No. No. I was actually aiming for the person in the front row. (the light shines away from Jake to a man sitting in the front pews) Yes, that person. I demand you to put Nicolas Cage in a Left Behind movie! There. Thy will and totally confusing ways are done. You two, ha, you just get a shitty sequel. Goodbye! (the light disappears)
(Back to Blues Brothers 2000)
NC (vo): But it's okay, because they bring in the obvious target audience this movie was meant for.
(Elwood meets a kid named Buster.)
Mother Mary Stigmata: And Buster here is a ward of the state. The archdiocese has agreed to house homeless children here. I thought perhaps that you would come and spend time with Buster.
NC (vo): Yes, because nothing makes more sense than teaming up an innocent youth with a convicted felon who literally just got done serving 20 years in jail.
(Clips from the original 1980 Blues Brothers movie are shown.)
NC (vo): Something else you'll notice is that while Akyroyd's Chicago accent in the original was playfully exaggerated, (Back to clips from Blues Brothers 2000.) this accent sounds like it's coming from a fucking Muppet.
(Clips of Elwood's "Chicago accent" are shown.)
Elwood: Chicago./I think you need a hug./Who wants to know?/What boat?/She's bone dry./A part of this band's repertoire./What's that got to do with me?
NC: (imitating Chicago accent) 'Ey, hot dogs, da Bears, pizza that had to make Jon Stewart accept defeat! (Picture of Jon Stewart eating pizza on his show is displayed on the top-right corner of the screen.) (normal voice) Oh, yeah, we're still riding that.
NC (vo): But the kid is not so easy to get rid of.
Elwood: (speaking to Buster) I know what you're going through. You're lonely, searching for your place in life. Just don't blow it like I did. Besides, you don't want to hang around with some over-40 recidivist.
NC: You know, I wonder if I'm even needed for this review. The movie does quite well pointing out all the problems itself!
NC (vo): He discovers that Curtis had a son, played by Joe Morton, who apparently has no idea that Curtis was his father. Elwood talks about reuniting the band, but his kinda brother doesn't take it very well.
(Elwood is kicked out of the police station.)
Cabel Chamberlain: And don't ever come back here again!
NC (vo, as Cabel): You got no plot; you got no comedy; you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you have a role for me in Terminator 12, count me the fuck out of this! (normal voice) But the kid steals the Commander's wallet, giving them just enough money to buy a new BluesMobile.
NC: Now, I want you to remember this moment where he steals the wallet. I'm not gonna explain why yet, but just keep in the back of your brain.
NC (vo): Elwood goes to the club his old band member owns, where... uhp! Look at that!
(We see a man named Mack (John Goodman) performing at a club.)
NC (vo): CLEARLY we see a new addition to the Blues Brothers! Oh, not because he's played by John Goodman, not because he can sing the blues, (old footage of Goodman with the Blues Brothers is shown) not because they've made countless appearances together years before, (back to Blues Brothers 2000) but because of the astounding chemistry and unforgettable character traits that this movie gives him that--dare I say it--even rival that of Belushi. Watch this.
(Mack gives a pointing gesture to Elwood, who does the same to Mack.)
NC (vo): And there you go. That's all the character you need, folks! Don't believe me? Well, they top it with even more incredible character traits. Like, there's this...
Mack: Hey, Elwood, you got the keys to the trunk?
NC (vo): The unbelievable this...
Mack: Pleased to meet you.
NC (vo): And, of course, who can forget the classic line...
Mack: So what's the plan?
NC: God--(slaps desk) That is SO whatever his character's name is!
NC (vo): It doesn't matter if they barely look each other in the face or hardly ever have a conversation; the magic is there! Gah, they have more chemistry than HAL 9000 and Stephen Hawking!
(Pictures of Stephen Hawking (on the left) and HAL 9000 (on the right) are shown.)
Stephen Hawking (voiced by Doug): Hey, HAL, pick two.
HAL 9000 (voiced by Malcolm): One, two.
Stephen Hawking: You will now have to imagine I am poking you in the eyes causing a humorous effect.
HAL 9000: Nyuk, nyuk.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But it turns out the club is being shut down by Illinois Russians. Yeah, that's right: Illinois Russians. God, that doesn't have NEARLY the same flare as Illinois Nazis!
(Elwood and the two Illinois Russians are drunkenly singing in Russian language. Subtitles displayed are "Please Mr. Frost / please don't freeze me.")
NC: Jesus Christ, you're making (shows on top-right corner a picture of...) Soda Popinski look like an equal rights leader!
(The two Illinois Russians' heads collapse to the table.)
NC (vo): So they knock the Russians out and leave them in an alleyway...SOMEHOW thinking this won't lead to any more trouble! But, lo and behold, the Russians come back for vengeance.
(The Russians are seen pouring flammable gas on the club's tables, and Elwood and Mighty Mack under one of them look at each other.)
Elwood and Mack: Gas!
(One of the Russians drop a lit match, setting the club ablaze.)
NC (vo): They break out of the club while the Russians burn it down, only to find the Russians were waiting to chase 'em.
(One of the other Russians is seen firing a machine gun from a moving car.)
Elwood: Roll down the window and drop the nails.
(Mack drops the nails on the street, causing the car with the Russians to hit them and flip over. At that point, the burning club is seen again.)
NC: Wow. Apparently those nails are so powerful, they launched them SEVERAL FEET BEHIND where they originally started! Seriously, how the hell did they get back in front of the club again? Was there a special company that made those nails? (Aperture Laboratories logo is displayed) Oh.
(The BluesMobile is seen spinning and skidding to parking at the front of a Mercedes-Benz car office.)
NC (vo): So Akyroyd and Goodman set out to pick up the rest of their band members when--nope! (Buster is now wearing the Blues Brothers suit with no explanation whatsoever) NOPE, nope, nope, nope, nope--you killed the movie. You killed the movie. Whatever little speck of chance you had to make this entertaining, it was assassinated the minute you put that kid in a suit! This is like giving Wolverine a puppy (picture of Wolverine with a puppy is shown), or Jules Winfield a martian (picture of Jules Winfield with the Great Gazoo from The Flintstones), or the Terminator-- (clip from Terminator 3 of him putting on star-shaped glasses) Oh, yeah...
NC: ...that happened.
Elwood: These are unsophisticated men. The only things they respond to are fear and the draw of lucre. We elicit this by using iconographic symbols and psychological intimidation.
NC (vo): Okay, I'm really amazed you're saying all this stuff about intimidation while including the ten-year-old kid in your argument.
Elwood: The only things they respond to are fear and the draw of lucre.
NC: With a ten-year-old kid.
Elwood: Iconographic symbols and psychological intimidation.
NC: With a ten-year-old kid.
Elwood: Presents a uniform image of strength and organization.
NC: With a ten-year-old kid.
Elwood: Don't say anything, look mean...
NC: With a ten-year-old kid--Do you not see what a castration this is to your film?
(The trio meet with two former band members.)
Elwood: Boys, I'd like you to meet my new partner in the act: Mighty Mack.
NC (vo, as Elwood): We've just been calling him Jake Number Two.
Elwood: I'm getting the band back together.
Matt "Guitar" Murphy: Man, you can't talk about this stuff here.
"Blue Lou" Marini: Matt, she's back from lunch.
(Mrs. Murphy comes into the room.)
NC (vo): But sure enough, they're working again for an Aretha Franklin cameo, and once again, they have to argue their way out of it while she blindly goes into a song.
Mrs. Murphy: You treat me with respect at all times.
Matt "Guitar" Murphy: I do, baby.
Mrs. Murphy: And you know what I mean when I say "respect."
("Respect" begins playing in the background as Mrs. Murphy's friends (Esther, Gloria, and Gracie Ridgeway) dance.)
NC (vo): You know, where the first movie was kind of funny in how out of nowhere and unexpected the transition was, in this one, you obviously know what's coming; you even know what song it's going to be, and yet, the transition is STILL sloppy as fucking shit! It's almost like somebody hit the screen, accidentally changing the channel!
(NC is seen yawning and accidentally hitting the screen on the lower-left corner, switching to the "Respect" sequence.)
NC: (stunned) Oh, sorry.
(NC hits the screen again, switching it back to the dialogue before it.)
Mrs. Murphy: And you know what I mean...
NC (vo): There's no surprise to it anymore. We know they're just gonna join the band like last time, so all we have is a slower, less energized version of the scene we saw in the first flick. This is like watching (shows on top-left corner a picture of...) Grandma say she can still strut her stuff and (a shot Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation appears in the corner) you shutting your eyes as she disturbingly tries to swing her hips in a sexy fashion. Just serve the potatoes already, Grandma!
Mrs. Murphy: Matt, this is something that I really don't want you to do.
(Matt Murphy hangs his head down in disappointment.)
Mrs. Murphy: Ah, for crying out loud, if this is what you're gonna be like to live with, go ahead!
NC (vo, as Mrs. Murphy): I mean, Jesus! You got no plot; you got no comedy; you don't even have the other Blues Brother! Unless you have a well-paying Pepsi commercial to offer me, count me the fuck out of this! (normal voice) They get back the other members of the band who, again, demonstrate some killer acting chops.
Tom "Bones" Malone: Hey, fellas, I think I know that voice.
Donald "Duck" Dunn: Steve, you know I think that sounded a lot like...
Tom "Bones" Malone: Elwood J. Blues.
Donald "Duck" Dunn: No place to run...
Steve "The Colonel" Cropper: And no place to hide.
(A picture of green paint on a white block (?) is shown.)
NC (vo): Oh, I'm sorry, was that paint drying?
NC: I confused the two on levels of engagement.
NC (vo): And they finally have to get their last member back from his old job.
Elwood: We need Murph on the keyboards.
Ed: I see.
Murphy "Murph" Dunne: I told them I wouldn't go without your say-so.
Elwood: Just what is it that you do exactly?
("[tel:634-5789 634-5789] (Soulsville, U.S.A.)" begins playing.)
NC (as Elwood): "And if you could sing about it, even though we just had a goddamn musical number a minute ago, that'd be most helpful."
Ed: (singing) If you need a little lovin'...
NC (vo): (sighs) Why do these musical numbers annoy me so much more in this film than they did in the last one? They're not bad; they're good renditions done by talented people. Even Macaulay Culkin* seems to get a solo, but there's just no damn spacing between them. They just go from one song that has nothing to do with anything to another song that has nothing to do with anything.
- It's actually Jonny Lang as a janitor.
Clips from the original 1980 Blues Brothers movie are shown.
NC (vo): The music in the original didn't have much connection to the story either, but at least there was a homicidal fiance, car chases, funny cops, fucking Illinois Nazis-- that's enough to fill in the gaps!
NC: What do we have to fill in the gaps in this one?
(Back to Blues Brothers 2000.)
Murphy "Murph" Dunne: I haven't played a county fair since '68.
Alan "Mr. Fabulous" Rubin: Sounds like a lot of laughs.
(NC is seen looking unimpressed, silent, and still. Subtitles reading "Do Not Adjust Your Computer Screen" and "What You Just Saw Was Not Funny" are displayed.)
John Popper: Didn't you used to be Elwood Blues?
Elwood: Yeah, so?
John Popper: We're rehearsing just on the other side of that motel office. It would be so cool if you could come listen to us play.
Elwood: Oh, sure, sure--
NC (vo): Fuck me with tuna, we just got DONE WITH A SONG!! Are we really gonna do three in a row?! Even waterboarders give their victims a break every once in a while!
Elwood: LET'S HIGHBALL!
("Maybe I'm Wrong" by Blues Traveler begins playing, while Elwood and his group leave in their car.)
NC (vo): Oh, look at that! Our characters SO don't care how the song works into the movie that they don't even stick around to hear 'em! The movie itself is that not interested in its own musical numbers. Why don't we just have the rest of the movie be a runaway letter from Dan Akyroyd saying:
(A piece of paper is displayed on screen, reading...)
NC (vo; as Elwood): "Y'know, guys, I just don't care. I might do a little singing here or there and maybe my cartoon character Chicago accent, but frankly, I don't give a shit. Dinner's in the freezer; tell your mom I love her. Dan."
(Again, clips from the original 1980 Blues Brothers movie are shown.)
NC (vo): On top of that, the musical numbers were in-between a spiritual quest: a very bizarre redemption involving putting the band back together to earnestly and honestly raise money to protect their childhood home. That's one of the reasons there's so much urgency for the band members to leave their dead-end crappy jobs and do what's right. (Back to clips from Blues Brothers 2000.) In this one, have you noticed something missing? Something kind of a big deal? There is no reason to put the band back together! None! At all! They all have good jobs that pay well and even rekindled old romances that seem to be working out pretty well. Why the fuck would any of them leave this behind? There is nothing to fight for, nothing to chase, nothing to gain redemption! They're stressing the importance of putting the band back together even though they forgot to mention what was fucking important about it! (Back to clips from the original 1980 Blues Brothers movie.) In the first film, the phrase was...
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.
(Two other clips of Elwood saying that same phrase are shown before we go back to Blues Brothers 2000.)
NC (vo): Now, in this one, the phrase is...
Elwood: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
(Two other clips of Elwood saying that same phrase are shown.)
NC (vo): Yeah, so mysterious that you took 18 years to work on a sequel that somehow you forgot to give a reason for even fucking existing! IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT FOR A FILM TO HAVE A REASON TO FUCKING EXIST, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S A SEQUEL TO SOMETHING AS GODDAMN AWESOME AS THE BLUES BROTHERS!
NC: Fuck it, I need a break! Here's the only thing certain after death, taxes, and everything you love either getting a shitty sequel or a shitty remake: Commercials!
(Go to commercial. After that, we begin seeing a commercial showing Tamara and Malcolm watching and enjoying Star Wars: A New Hope, and then watching and hating Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, with Malcolm hitting the television.)
Advertiser (voiced by Doug): Tired of a movie giving you an unbelievable experience, only to find years later, the same filmmakers fuck it up with their shitty sequel or spin-off? Well, fear no more, because we've invented Fuckital. (bottle appears on screen entitled "Standarized Extract Double Strength Fuckital") (Tamara guzzles the pills down) Now you can stop caring about a movie series you once loved by acknowledging it probably wasn't that important to begin with. (cut to Tamara and Malcolm watching Prometheus, with Malcolm looking pissed off and Tamara off in a daze)
Malcolm: Can you believe the person who directed Alien did this?
Malcolm: It makes no sense and pales in comparison to the original.
Malcolm: ... Hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't think this was a big deal.
Tamara: I don't. It's only a movie...
Tamara: I used to be emotionally invested in what I watched, but now, the more I think about it, maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt should play Robin.
Tamara: Maybe The Hobbit did need all those extra scenes.
Malcolm: You're insane!
Tamara: Maybe midi-chlorians... aren't such a bad idea.
Malcolm grabs Tamara by the shoulders trying to snap her out of it.
Malcolm: (crying) Wake up, damn it! Don't go where I can't follow!
(Malcolm reads the bottle, seeing Fuckital is made with 90% morphine, as Tamara falls over, foaming at the mouth. Malcolm continues to try and wake Tamara up)
(Doug appears onscreen, dressed and speaking as the Advertiser)
Advertiser: Fuckital: Because it doesn't matter if one of the Blues Brothers is a little kid... Or John Goodman... Or plotless...
(Doug suddenly breaks his Advertiser character and resumes being NC; as he speaks, he changes out of the Advertiser outfit and into his usual getup)
NC: Or has a car that can do anything, because you know, who cares? Who cares at all that it's a timeless classic, the original? Yeah, who cares? So we just wanna fuck it up! I mean, we just wanna totally destroy it, because you know, it's just the Blues Brothers! Doesn't matter that it's a Chicago icon! It doesn't matter! IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL!
Malcolm: Um, excuse me, can we call 911 or something--?
NC: No, no, no, I wanna get this off my back! I wanna get this off my back! The Blues Brothers is just this big symbol of Chicago, and it's funny, and it's creative, and it's musical, and it's fantastic, and when they try to just half-ass it like this, I j- Come with me! Let me show you something!
NC goes outside.
NC: This is Hollywood Boulevard Theater. (cut to the Hollywood Boulevard Cinema) It's a good place, you can get alcohol while watching your movies, which you'll definitely need for this film, but do you notice what's on top of there? (cut back to the theater, showing Elwood and the BluesMobile on the roof) The BluesMobile, and not just the BluesMobile; a statue of one of the Blues Brothers, Dan Aykroyd. They put a fucking car on top of the movie theater! And you wanna know why? Because the movie means that much to them. It means that much to Chicago. It's an incredible film! The music, the action, the comedy, the writing, it's so fucking unbelievable! And for you, for you to- After they made a goddamn statue out of you, Dan Aykroyd, just make this insult, this FUCKING insult to this goddamn classic masterpiece-- I'm sorry, it's despicable! It's fucking despicable!
NC goes back inside, where Malcolm is placing a blanket over Tamara, who's most likely dead, crying. He performs her last rights.
NC: That's what the Blues Brothers means! That's what they're all about, and for this movie to not even try, NOT EVEN FUCKING TRY TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE, WHAT THE HELL THEY MEANT, IS JUST BULLSHIT! (The commercial starts to end) NO, NO, I'M NOT EVEN DOING A TRANSITION! (Goes from commercial set back to his review desk) I'M JUST GOING BACK TO SAYING WHAT'S FUCKING WRONG WITH IT!
Back to the movie.
NC (vo): Apparently, something resembling a plot tries to rear its ugly head in the second half, as Sister (pictures of the following appear below the nuns to show the similarity) Conan O'Brien, Tom Brokaw, and the secretary from Ferris Bueller's Day Off inform the Holy Mother that they think Elwood has kidnapped the boy. Of course, rather than just explain he's not kidnapping him... though the more I think about it, maybe he kinda fucking is, they instead have to stage a getaway out of a diner filled with cops.
Mack: HE'S HAVING AN ATTACK!! IT'S EXTREMELY CONTAGIOUS!! (Elwood comes out with a ton of shaving cream all over his entire head.)
One of the restaurant patrons: What in Sam Hill...?
Mighty Mack: RUN AWAY! OH, GOD! (Elwood spits out shaving cream from his covered mouth)
NC: Ah, (slaps desk) of course! The old...
The whole scene playing here plays out as NC describes it.
NC (vo): "Look like a minion from Mario 2, which will cause the police to do nothing for some reason, allowing you to go into your car and spin around for a solid minute or three, also causing the police to do nothing for some reason and then take off driving."
NC: (confused) Ingenious?
NC (vo): But it's okay, because they've brought in more people on this case. Ones that don't just stare blindly at tricks that wouldn't fool a kindergarten class!
Cabel Chamberlain: I have every lawman in two states on this border. Let him just try and get through this roadblock.
NC (imitating Cabel): I do hope my pompous declaration of righteousness is by no means comedically foiled. (snortly inhales)
NC (vo): But hey, it's the Blues Brothers! I'm sure they have some awesome driving skills that result in a kick-ass chase scene or this bullshit!
"I Can't Turn You Loose" plays as the BluesMobile goes underwater, where bubbles and a fish can be seen.
NC: Um...you sure Elwood isn't in (shows doctored picture of Elwood on a hospital bed in) a coma and these are just (underwater scene is shown again) the dreams he was having in the coma? (onscreen) Not that the film isn't tragic enough for how much pain it's causing, but at least we would know somebody's suffering for it.
NC (vo): They come across--I don't know, Indiana Nazis?--who, of course, foil their plans of...being Indiana Nazis...by apparently lifting their boat of explosives out of the water and... (The Indiana Nazis shoot at the boat, causing it to fall off the roof of the BluesMobile) quite literally watch it just jump up into the air by no discernible rhyme or reason.
The boat of explosives is seen falling to the ground, aiming at one of the Nazis. An explosion occurs as the BluesMobile is later seen with the explosion behind them.
Mighty Mack: Did you hear something?
Two cue signs, one reading "Laughter" and the other reading "Applause," are seen above an unimpressed NC. "Laughter" lights up as NC looks up at it.
NC: Funny. Neither do I.
NC (vo): So they find a way to sneak into their next gig; a hidden Elwood tells them to find a place to park, and... (the BluesMobile is seen speeding through a round, circular ramp; Elwood, Mack, and Buster all yell before the car lands in the middle of the audience with sparks. NC stutters in bewilderment) WAIT A MINUTE!
Elwood and Buster are seen getting out of the BluesMobile with smoke all around them.
NC: No-no-no, STOP! STOP! STOP! I'm sorry! I have to check for my own clarification if they really cared so little! Let's go back again. (The county fair entrance scenes are seen again) They sneak into a gig, Elwood tells them...
NC (vo): ...to find a place to park, and is there anything-- FUCKING anything that shows how they randomly got in a flaming car spinning on a loop?
A scene of the Elwood, Mack, and Buster yelling before the car lands with sparks is seen again.
NC: Great! (slaps desk) This film has been edited for your viewing confusion! Hell, the advertising for the movie should just be: (shows doctored version of Blues Brothers 2000 poster) "Tired of the world making sense? Blues Brothers 2000!" And everybody would say, "Yeah, humanity did lose its fucking mind, didn't it?"
NC (vo): Of course, they start playing their next song to the audience's delight.
(The next song the group performs is "Ghost Riders in the Sky")
Elwood (singing): When all at once, a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw / Plowin' through the ragged sky...
NC (vo): Oh, good, hopefully God has come to destroy this movie before it gets any worse!
Malone, Marini, and Rubin (singing): Yippee-yi-oh...
A skeleton riding a skeletal horse is seen coming out from the thundering clouds.
Mack (singing): Ghost riders in the skyyyy!
Cut to NC, who is in quiet disbelief.
Elwood and Mack (singing): Ghost riders in the skyyyy!
One of the skeletal horses breathes fire from its nose before we cut to NC, who is still in quiet disbelief like before.
NC: You know...I was gonna ask "When did they stop making a Blues Brothers movie?" but I don't think that question would be appropriate. I think the real question is, "When did they ever start making a Blues Brothers movie?"
NC (vo): What the hell is this? It's not Blues Brothers. Maybe it's (shows picture of two Claymation characters on top-right corner) FUCKING Claymation's Blues Brothers, but it's not the Blues Brothers we grew up with. This is just...dumb. Random and fucking dumb. It's like suddenly going...
Western music begins playing as NC, wearing Elwood-esque glasses, goes into song.
NC (singing): Ghost Pony Rider! / Ghost Pony Rider!
"Ghost Pony Rider" appears running in front of NC as he sings before he is seen running in a background of flames.
NC (singing): His head is flaming, but his story's tragic / 'Cause he never knew friendship was magic
We cut back to NC in an explosion-like transition.
NC (singing): Ghost Pony Rider--
Malcolm (stops the song): Hey-- Critic, Critic, Critic, wait. Didn't you do this joke before?
NC: (takes off glasses) Look, I don't know the scientific explanation for it but for some reason every single time somebody says "pony" on the internet, the views go through the roof!
Malcolm: They do?
NC: Yeah. Watch. Pony!
Sure enough, the viewcount on what resembles this review's Blip video page go from 9,822 to 122,457 views.
The viewcount to 1,643,980 views.
NC and Malcolm: Pony-pony-pony-pony-pony-pony... (and so on as the viewcount goes up rapidly until it reaches 109,443,783,092 views)
NC (vo): So it starts raining, which, of course, somehow doesn't affect any of their equipment, and Elwood uses his remote control car...
NC: ...yeah, (slaps desk) because the BluesMobile was made by fucking Batman, I guess...
NC (vo): ...and helps them escape. The team, however, has very low morale, due to the fact that they have no goddamn idea what the hell they're supposed to be doing in this movie!
Mack: Hey, Elwood, I think we got a rebellion on our hands.
Elwood: Why? What do you mean?
Both Elwood and Mack turn around to see Buster and the rest of the band look at them in disappointment.
NC (vo, as the bandmembers): You got no plot, you got no comedy, and you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you're willing to split stock on Crystal Head Vodka, count us the fuck out of this!
Elwood: Fine. Bye.
NC (vo): Elwood himself starts to feel a little down, but the kid comes in for almost one minute of inspiration.
Buster: The Elwood Blues I know once said that "no pharmaceutical product could ever equal the rush you get when the band hits that groove."
NC: Again, I'm gonna ask you to remember this scene. I'm gonna bring it all together in the end.
NC (vo): That seems to work, and they happen to come across an old friend in a tent church, played by James Brown. (sighs) This whole film is like a mix between a sad high school reunion and an old folks home. It's like the worst of both worlds!
Cabel comes in to arrest the group.
Cabel Chamberlain: Those men are criminals and they're under arrest!
NC (vo): The commander comes in about to arrest them, but, just like before, somebody's about to see the light. (Jake's enlightenment scene from the 1980 Blues Brothers movie is shown) Now, in the original, a light shines on Jake in a comedically over-the-top way. (Back to Blues Brothers 2000 as Cabel is levitated off the ground and through the roof of the church) Well, if that was over-the-top, this is pole-vaulting over the fucking moon!
Elmer Bernstein's "God Music" is heard as Cabel is lifted high above the earth.
Cabel Chamberlain: The calling of the blood... Yes! IT IS MY (Cabel's commander outfit magically changes to his Blues Brothers outfit) DESTINYYYY!!! (Cabel is lowered back onto earth)
Cut to NC, who's covering his face with his hand in disappointment.
NC: You know, I'm just gonna try something here. (clicks to "Cards Against Humanity" website and browses it) I'm sure you've all played this game before, "Cards Against Humanity", they have an online version. If you haven't, you should. It's fun. Bring the kids. I am so convinced that this movie is so batshit insane and so doesn't care what the hell they put onscreen, that I'm just gonna choose three random cards, and see if that randomness--that TOTALLY out-there randomness--matches up with the rest of the shit that this movie gives us. So, let's see... (a screenshot of the "Cards Against Humanity" website, where a black card reading "Something So Stupid Even Blues Bros. 2000 Wouldn't Use It," is shown as he enters the following choices on to three of the four white cards) "A 130-year old Voodoo Witch," "Zombies," "Rednecks being turned into rats." You know, I'm gonna give this movie the benefit of the doubt. I don't even believe that this film, with all its batshit craziness--they did it, didn't they?
A "Voodoo Witch," known as Queen Mousette (Erykah Badu), appears.
Mack: She's a 130-year old Voodoo Witch.
Two clips, one of Mousette turning Elwood, Mighty Mack, and Cabel into zombies, and another of her turning a group of rednecks into rats, thus confirming NC's card choices. NC, in disbelief, slaps his desk and leaves. Off-screen, he takes off his coat, his hat, and his tie before returning to his desk in rage only wearing the white shirt he had on underneath.
NC: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?
NC (vo): I don't get it! I really don't! None of this adds up in the least! It's like you're trying to piss off the people who loved the first film so much! Why? No, really, why are you trying to piss us off? Wha-- are you trying to atone for something? Are you trying to tie it back to a mistake you made in the past?
NC: Wha-- Is there something you fucked up before and you're trying to somehow make things right by making this GODDAMN, STUPID-- (dramatic music begins) Oh, my God... I figured it out! I just figured it out! The crazy scenarios, the magical crap, having nothing to do with the original, the fact that it doesn't make ANY GODDAMN SENSE WHATSOEVER! I GOT IT! I FINALLY GOT IT! (dramatic music stops) They were trying to make a live-action version of the video game!
Clips from the Super Nintendo Blues Brothers game are shown.
NC (vo): Think about it! Every hit movie needs a game, and clearly the game had nothing to do with the original, so they were trying to tie them together so that they wouldn't have to make another game!
A light shines on NC as Elmer Bernstein's "God Music" plays.
NC: My God... I see it now!
Reverend Cleophus James (from original 1980 Blues Brothers movie): Have you seen the light?
NC: I see it! I SEE IT!
Reverend Cleophus James (from original 1980 Blues Brothers movie): Do you see the light?
NC: YES! YES!! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST!!! I SEE THE LIGHT!!!! ("God Music" fades as the light disappears) You guys are FUCKING MORONS!
Back to Blues Brothers 2000.
NC (vo): Not only does it make for a bad game, but it even makes for a worse film! As once they appease the 130-year old Voodoo Witch--God! (stuttering) It's canon!--and gets themselves into the band, along with the Commander, by the way, the cops still come to try and take them away.
Elwood: I guess it's time to say goodbye.
Cabel "Cab" Chamberlain: They think he kidnapped you!
Buster: But they're wrong!
Cabel "Cab" Chamberlain: It would be hard to convince them of that.
Buster: Well, if I go back with them, they'll put me in some foster home with people who don't love me, and I'll never see you again... and we'll both be sad forever.
NC: Okay, this is what I was getting to before. Remember when I told you to remember that...
NC (vo): ...one scene that was only a few seconds long of the kid stealing the wallet?
NC: And remember when I told you to remember that...
NC (vo): ...other scene where the kid motivates Elwood and that was only over a minute long?
NC: Well, those two scenes are actually more important than you think. I know you thought they were just pointless little scenes, one only being a few seconds long and one only being over a minute--I mean, how long's the movie? Two hours? What big a difference can that make? But, actually, it makes a huge difference--a huge fucking difference--and you wanna know why? Because those two short little scenes, as despicably short as they are, are literally...LITERALLY the ONLY THINGS the kid has done throughout the entire film!
NC (vo): Oh, sure--he dances a bit, wears a suit, even plays a harmonica... but in terms of contributing to anything else? I mean, like, anything in the story, any kind of character traits, any kind of personality? Nada. Not a thing! He barely even says a word throughout the entire film, or looks Elwood in the eye. A two-hour movie, and he has a minute-and-a-half of worth.
NC: So, at this big scene where you're supposed...
NC (vo): ...to want to see them together, it literally makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. This completely ridiculous visual to the Blues Brothers story was ENTIRELY POINTLESS. Pretty fucking amazing!
Buster: The Lord does work in mysterious ways, Elwood.
Jake (from original 1980 Blues Brothers movie): Bullshit.
Elwood: Put on your seatbelt.
The BluesMobile speeds off down the road.
NC (vo): The only thing we can hope is that all that waste of time, all that lack of character, all those lazy jokes AT LEAST have been sacrificed for one hell of an epic climax.
Instead, the film's closing credits begin, beginning with the Blues Brothers' character names Elwood and Buster. "New Orleans" plays in the background.
NC (vo): You're fucking kidding me. You're goddamn fucking kidding me!
NC: That was the end of the movie?! THAT WAS THE END OF THE MOVIE?! THAT--?! (tries to calm down a bit) Did you see the first film that you apparently made? D-Did you even take a glance at it before you made this piece of--? (again tries to calm down) If you don't recall how the first film ended, I'll give you a little reminder. It had...
Short clips of the original 1980 Blues Brothers movie are shown, starting with various police cars crashing into one another in a pile.
A red car falling through a street, creating a big hole in it.
A police car crashing through the cabin of a truck.
Another police car accidentally hitting yet another police car.
Another police car crashing through a construction site.
Jake and Elwood arriving at the Richard J. Daley Center where their BluesMobile falls into pieces.
Various police officers standing on police cars firing guns.
More police cars crashing into one another in a pile.
The National Guardsmen charging towards the Chicago City Hall building.
NC: And, you have...?
Back to Blues Brothers 2000.
Elwood: Put on your seatbelt.
Clips of Buster looking at Elwood and the film's closing credits beginning (with "New Orleans" in the background) are seen. Cut back to NC, who sighs in disbelief.
NC: Movie, I'm not angry. Yes, I am. I'm furious, but there's something I'm even more, and that's...disappointed. I'm disappointed in you, movie. The same people that brought us a comedy classic, an icon, something they make statues of, has 18 years to put together a follow-up, and this is what we get. (Long pause) May God rape you with a pickup truck. Slowly. With vengeance.
Various clips of the movie are shown as we go to closing thoughts.
NC (vo): I'm serious, people. It's bad. It's really, really, REALLY bad. As a standalone movie, it would make no sense. As a sequel, it makes even less sense. It is absolutely one of the worst follow-ups to a classic ever.
NC: And if you're wondering if there's anything of value, even the smallest, tiniest, teenie-weeniest little thi--Actually, the soundtrack's not bad.
More various clips of the movie are shown.
NC (vo): I mean that, too. For all its problems, every single singer in this movie, even our leads, sing some really good, surprisingly impressive renditions of timeless classics. It's strangely kind of impressive. Hell, (cover image of the movie's soundtrack is shown) I might actually pick it up after removing this film's cock from my anus! But aside from that, this is not only one of the most pointless sequels ever made, it's one of the worst. It's one of the worst because talented people, the same who made a fantastic, hilarious, unique musical classic so obviously phoned in this half-assed reunion just so they can all sing some karaoke together. It's a straight-up insult to the first film, and I can assure you, (statues of Elwood and the BluesMobile from the Hollywood Boulevard Cinema are shown) these statues you see of the Blues Brothers (back to clips from Blues Brothers 2000) don't exist for this piece of shit! They exist for something smarter, funnier, and just all-around better. And the fact that THIS is connected to it...
NC: I...I...I need my Fuckital. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and hopefully, in a few minutes, I won't remember who I am. (leaves desk) (offscreen) JESUS SHIT!
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