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Bloodrayne
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Released
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July 15, 2014
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Running Time
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31:17
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Previous review
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Next review
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TBA
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Link
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(We start off today's episode in the Nostalgia Critic's room as he holds a Netflix envelope, wondering whether he should open it or not. Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers appear at his sides)
Malcolm: Hey Critic. What are you looking at?
NC: *inhale* My next movie review called Bloodrayne.
Tamara: Pretty bad, I take it?
NC: It's an Uwe Boll movie.
Malcolm: Uwe Boll? Aren't his films so bad they cause people to bash their heads in with a sledgehammer?
NC: Uh huh.
Tamara: After jumping out of a plane?
NC: Yup.
Malcolm: After blowing up an airport?
NC: That's right.
Tamara: After crashing a car filled with explosives doused in gasoline while shooting a semi-automatic while going into oncoming traffic while singing "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy?"
NC: Twice.
Malcolm: Well I can see why you don't want to review it.
NC: *sigh* It's not the only reason. You see, whenever I do an Uwe Boll movie, there's a...tradition.
Tamara: Tradition?
NC: It's a long story. I can take care of it myself.
(Tamara and Malcolm disappear. NC sighs, then goes to open the envelope. We then cut to Linkara starting an episode)
Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Sometimes a comic comes along where you just have-- (NC opens the envelope, making Linkara stop.) It's time.
(He runs out of the house like a bullet! NC's about to take the disk out when we cut to Noah Antwiler, the Spoony One, doing a review on Final Fantasy Unlimited)
Spoony: Of course there was a Final Fantasy anime, and of course, it sucked. But even after the first episode--
(NC takes the disk sleeve out, making Spoony sense it in the air as well before flying through the roof, then through the skies. NC takes the disk out of the sleeve as Linkara dashes down the street. NC looks at the disk, then heads towards the living room. Spoony's flying through the sky. Just as NC enters the living room, a crash is heard as Spoony comes in through the roof while Linkara comes in through the door)
NC: Christ, you guys are so dramatic.
(Spoony just notices Linkara and is startled. With that, we get to an opening like the Three Stooges, this one called "The Three Shmuckheads Reiew Bloodrayne. We pan up on a picture of Uwe Boll)
NC (vo): Uwe Boll, the most faithful movie adaptor of video games since the directing team behind (poster of) Super Mario Bros, (clips of the movie play) returns with what many consider his crowning achievement of shit: Bloodrayne.
Spoony (vo): The movie, based on the classic videogame--And by based, I mean more gangbanged and mutilated than a Game of Thrones character--once again demonstrates Boll's talent, if you can call it that, for cutting more corners than a paper snowflake.
Linkara (vo): And if you thought Twilight was the worst disservice to vampires the world has ever known...it is, but this one's pretty bad, too.
NC: So, let's not waste any time, this is--
Linkara: (interrupting) Ah-da-da, Critic! Oh, we have something we need to address first. The elephant in the room, which of course, is him! (pointing at Spoony)
Spoony: Wh-what did I do?
Linkara: Oh, you know exactly what you did! It happened a few years ago! The drama that was caused! Everything that happened on Twitter, on Facebook, on everything like that! The betrayal of everything that we stand for! Roll the clip! (The clip in question is of the Alone in the Dark review. The camera zooms in on Spoony's shirt which says Castleton) (vo) You never went to Castleton! *drama chord!*
Spoony: I dropped out, okay?
NC: This is Bloodrayne. (He smacks Linkara's hand away)
(The movie's logo pops up during the opening titles)
Spoony: (vo): Dude, do we have to censor the lettering? Those two o's are looking pretty phallic. (the o's in the logo are censored out since the logo makes it look phallic)
NC: Hey, if the Aliens logo could get away with an eye-gina (showing the logo for Aliens), I think we can let that pass.
(During the opening credits, it says "Special appearance by Billy Zane")
Linkara (vo): Wonder if the word "special" is code for blackmail?
NC (vo): I'd just assume most of Billy Zane's career is blackmail.
(The scene is set in a medieval town)
Spoony (vo): We open up in...actually, I don't know. They never give a location or a time period, so that's already two of the basic (the words WHERE and WHEN are crossed out over WHY, WHAT and WHO) five essential story elements ignored. (WHY is also crossed out) Hell, let's just throw in WHY in there too, as I'm sure most of the film will ignore that, as we see a team of wanderers led by Michael Madsen and his lion mane mullet. The main thing I notice throughout this movie is it just seems like Michael Madsen is drunk off his ass through the entire film shoot. Seriously, he just looks so drunk and miserable like they had to send a grip to his trailer and clean him up in a hurry, slap that ratty ass wig on his head and maybe get a couple useable takes out of him.
Vladmir: How long do you think it will take to get there? / We must go back to Brimstone. / This is what I've decided to do. / Monastery has been attacked, and the Eye is gone.
Spoony (vo): You can almost sense the grip just off camera with a Long Island iced tea waiting for the scene to end and for him to shamble over and take another drink.
Vladmir: What do you have for us?
Bartender: I think I may have found something of interest.
Linkara (vo): But one of them notices that the person next to him has little to reflect on.
(Sebastian is sitting at the bar when someone comes up next to him. The mirror shows he has no reflection, meaning he's a vampire. Sebastian stakes the vampire in the heart, killing him as the vampire rapidly decomposes)
Bartender: Heh. I like you Brimstone people. You never make a mess of the place.
Vladmir: What have you heard?
(The guys are confused)
Bartender: What might only be a tall tale--
NC: Moving on, I guess?
Linkara: Nobody even batted an eye.
Spoony: Is this like an everyday thing?
NC (vo): When did killing a vampire become yesterday's news?
Linkara (vo): Yeah, I don't care where or when you are--And then again, neither does Uwe Boll--but killing a vampire will never be a boring thing!
(Cinema Snob comes in and joins the gang, hands covered in blood)
CS: Guys, guys! Holy shit, you won't believe it! I just killed a vampire!
Spoony: Was it a Nazi vampire?
CS: Well, technically, no, but...
NC: Oh please, Cinema Snob. Everybody knows that Nazi vampires are all the rage now.
Linkara: Yeah, what you did is like the Bing search engine of vampire killings.
CS: But he killed a family of six!
Spoony: (snobbish voice) Go away, Cinema Snob. I can't even stand to look at you.
(The three of them turn their heads away from him)
CS: Okay... I guess I can drop his clothes off at the Goodwill or something.
Spoony: You do that.
(Linkara waves him off)
NC: Noob.
NC (vo): We then cut to a carnival where a half-human, half-vampire named Rayne, played by Kristanna Loken, is dragged out as a sideshow attraction.
Barker: So sensitive to water! (One of the carnival workers restrains Rayne as the barker puts Rayne's arm into a barrel of water) The very touch of it...(Rayne's arm is placed into the water, burning it like it was acid) burns her skin!
Linkara: Wait a minute, was that holy water?
NC: Nope.
Linkara: Then how the hell did it burn her?
NC: Oh-ho-ho-ho, Linkara. This is the Stephanie Meyer age of vampires.
NC (vo): You can make up anything! If you wanna say water hurts them even though it's not blessed, it's okay now!
Spoony (vo): Yeah, if you wanna say they in no way can fly, turn into bats or do most of the cool things vampires can do, that's okay now, too!
Linkara (vo): (Rayne getting her arm dunked in water) Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, (Sebastian stabbing the vampire in the bar) yet nobody turns their head when one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes...
NC and Spoony: It's totally okay!
Linkara: Now I know! And knowing makes it even more confusing.
(The guys are confused as a singer shouts UWE BOLL! to the tune of GI Joe)
Spoony (vo): But one of the other attractions, the Amazing Candle Slicer, takes a liking to Rayne and dreams of living in a better world with her.
Performer: My uncle, he's a sailor. And he once told me of a place where people play all day, and the trees grow fruits in every color of the rainbow, and the sunsets set the whole sky on fire.
(Cut to a clip from Strike Commando)
Mike Ransom: They got tons of popcorn there. There's cotton candy, mountains of it. And chocolate milk that maltens
(Cut to a clip from Of Mice and Men)
George: We'll have a field of alfalfa.
Lennie: For the rabbits!
(Cut to a clip from Gamera vs. Guiron)
Editor's note: I'm not understanding this clip btw
Performer: Doesn't it sound wonderful, Rayne?
NC (vo): We then cut to her...escaping? Wait, when did that happen?
(Rayne screams out and we're back to Rayne sleeping in bed)
Linkara (vo): Ah, I guess she was just dreaming.
NC (vo): Does she always dream in photoshop smears?
(The same worker that restrained her is looking to have some fun with Rayne. She reaches for a glass bottle and smashes it over his head)
Spoony (vo): Uh huh. I'd need to be drunk to get through this movie, too.
(Rayne then bites the man's throat)
Linkara (vo): Wait a minute, now she's back in the field. What the hell's going on? Is this a dream, a flashback, what? Frank Miller's timecodes are more fluid than this!
Spoony (vo): The three hunters come across the carnival where Rayne was and discover it's burnt to the ground.
Sebastian: This is the work of a young vampire.
Vladmir: We have work to do.
(The two of them begin decapitating Rayne's victims)
NC (vo): Um, thank you for chopping off the heads of our dead people. (The bodies are doused in oil, then set on fire) And then burning their bodies.
Performer: She didn't mean to bite me!
(The girl is then stabbed)
NC (vo): And stabbing our performers. I'm sorry, have you been helped?