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'''NC:''' I don't think del Toro is bad, honestly. I just don't see he's the second coming of Jesus either!
'''NC:''' I don't think del Toro is bad, honestly. I just don't see he's the second coming of Jesus either!
'''Del Toro:''' ''(takes out the same binder from before, with the previous title crossed out)'' Speaking of which, I decided to do a ''Haunted Mansion'' movie again.
'''Del Toro:''' ''(takes out the same binder from before, with the previous title crossed out)'' Speaking of which, I decided to do a ''[[The Haunted Mansion|Haunted Mansion]]'' movie again.
'''Malcolm and Jim:''' Yeeeeeah!
'''Malcolm and Jim:''' Yeeeeeah!

Revision as of 23:51, July 25, 2019

Blade II



July 24, 2019
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(After the Channel Awesome logo and opening titles, we cut to NC in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about...

(He quickly looks around. Then he holds up an index finger to the camera as if to say, "One moment". He walks out of the room and checks if the front door to the studio is closed. It is, and he goes back)

NC: Sorry, it's just when I talk about certain people, they have a bad habit of bursting into the studio mid-sentence. So, with that said, let's talk about Guillermo del Toro... (A sound of crashing is immediately heard, upsetting him) ...yeah.

(NC gets up and leaves his room. In the hallway, Guillermo del Toro (Rob) is standing with the computer-animated deadman, both apparently bursted through the other door on the left)

NC: Hello, del Toro.

Del Toro: (speaking with a Spanish accent) Buenos dias, human. I hope you don't mind I have my monster kick down your door.

NC: (approaches del Toro) Is he housebroken?

Del Toro: (scoffs) He broke into your house! (laughs) No, seriously, he shit all over the floor.

NC: Okay, can you get rid of him, please?

Del Toro: Only if done in artistically poetic way.

NC: I don't care, just do it!

Del Toro: Certainly. (addresses the deadman) Daniel. (whispers) The a lie.

(Johannes Brahms's lullaby "Wiegenlied" starts playing as the deadman's skin collapses, transforming him into a Jesus-like sculpture)

NC: (rolling eyes) Oh, my God...

(The sculpture itself slowly turns into small pieces, falling on the floor. Del Toro passionately "kisses it goodbye". NC is unimpressed. However, Malcolm and Jim appear next to del Toro)

Malcolm: Del Toro, that was amazing!

Jim: (brings out a prize) Yes, here's an award for something.

Del Toro: (takes the prize, satisfied) Oh, gracias, gracias.

Malcolm: So what's your next flawless project?

Del Toro: Well, for my next project, I decide to do something a little different. It's called (holds up a binder reading) "Monsters are Cool and Bad People are Bad".

Malcolm: That is different!

Jim: It already sounds brilliant!

Malcolm: Brilliantly brilliant!

NC: Except I just decided... (throws away the binder) ...I do not want to.

Jim: Yeah, that's pretty dupe.

Malcolm: You are so much more.

Jim: You're a name.

Del Toro: (chuckling) Gracias, gracias.

NC: (to the camera) Yeah. Del Toro is kind of a hot thing right now.

(The montage of photos related to Guillermo del Toro and the shooting of his films is shown)

NC (vo): What started out as a fanbase of movie monster lovers has turned into a pop culture phenomenon, with people praising the artistic style and dramatic substance of a true visionary. And when I say "visionary", I mean he has a very distinct look and feel, usually focusing on the weird outcast being the heroes and large aggressive forces being the villain. You always know when you're watching a del Toro movie.

(The posters of del Toro's movies are shown next to posters of films or books similar in concepts: Pan's Labyrinth and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, The Shape of Water and Creature from Black Lagoon, Crimson Peak and The Haunting, Mimic and Them, and finally, Pacific Rim and FOUR screenshots of (clockwise) the Transformers animated series, Big O, an old Godzilla movie and the Power Rangers show, accompanied by a caption "Pick one")

NC (vo): But, in terms of stories and characters, a lot of them seem a little...familiar. Not in a bad way. I mean, the inspired sources are still cool things to take from. It's just for a guy praised for his originality, a lot of what he does doesn't seem that new.

NC: Because of this, I just don't see his movies as...perfection.

(Malcolm and Jim gasp in shock, and del Toro almost faints)

Del Toro: Santa Maria!..

Malcolm: You dare blaspheme del Toro?!

Jim: He won the Best Picture for The Shape of Water. He's changing the Hollywood system!

NC: You really think that was the best picture of the year and it wasn't just the Academy virtue-signaling?

Jim: In what way? It's about loving whoever you want...

Malcolm: The close-minded conservative is the villain...

Jim: It was directed by a minority...

Malcolm: And Octavia Spencer was in it!

Jim: (to Malcolm) Maybe we should have rethought this argument.

NC: I don't think del Toro is bad, honestly. I just don't see he's the second coming of Jesus either!

Del Toro: (takes out the same binder from before, with the previous title crossed out) Speaking of which, I decided to do a Haunted Mansion movie again.

Malcolm and Jim: Yeeeeeah!

Del Toro: Ah, maybe not. (throws the binder away)

Malcolm: Aw, it wasn't worth it.

Jim: Yeah, you can do better.

NC: I don't know. I feel like the best equivalent of what del Toro can achieve as a director can be summed up in Blade II.

Malcolm and Jim: He directed that?

Del Toro: I directed that? Oh, oh, yeah! I did! I did that! (chuckles nervously)

Jim: It was brilliant.

Malcolm: A masterpiece in its own right.

Del Toro: (still chuckling) That was me.

Malcolm: What smells like monster feces?

(Del Toro's smile goes down as Jim sniffs out the room. The title of Blade II is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): Released in 2002, this is not del Toro's best movie by a long shot. But it does deliver exactly what it promises, has some cool visuals along the way, and is by no means perfect, but still has a unique passion that makes it a fulfilling experience. It's a solid movie, despite there being a lot of strange goofy and over-the-top elements, but that's also part of what makes it so much fun. It's del Toro just kind of doing his thing, giving us weird outcasts, lots of gore, cool monsters and dark shadows for them to hide in. In my opinion, it's the perfect movie to show del Toro's repeated strengths. But it also clearly shows his repeated weaknesses, too. Not that they're overbearing, but they are a bit easier to spot in something not quite as... (The poster for The Shape of Water appears again) ...award grantee. So we're gonna look at this zany flick, because it's one of the few del Toro movies people can accept as just...a zany flick.

NC: (at the table again) Let's start ice-skating uphill. This is...

(Jim, del Toro and Malcolm are sitting on chairs in NC's room)

Del Toro: STOP! I have decided to do... (takes out the same binder from before, now reading...) Hobbit Part 4. (Malcolm raises his hands in triumph and Jim hands del Toro the prize) Ah, maybe not. (throws the binder on the floor)

Malcolm: Good call.

Jim: Yeah, it's not with your genius. (Beat) You're having award, anyway.

Del Toro: (takes the prize, chuckling) Gracias!

Jim: I'm sure you did something great in the last 10 minutes.

NC: ...Blade II.

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