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Blade II

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Released
July 24, 2019
Running Time
32:44
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(After the Channel Awesome logo and opening titles, we cut to NC in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about...

(He quickly looks around. Then he holds up an index finger to the camera as if to say, "One moment". He walks out of the room and checks if the front door to the studio is closed. It is, and he goes back)

NC: Sorry, it's just when I talk about certain people, they have a bad habit of bursting into the studio mid-sentence. So, with that said, let's talk about Guillermo del Toro... (A sound of crashing is immediately heard, upsetting him) ...yeah.

(NC gets up and leaves his room. In the hallway, Guillermo del Toro (Rob) is standing with the computer-animated deadman, both apparently bursted through the other door on the left)

NC: Hello, del Toro.

Del Toro: (speaking with a Spanish accent) Buenos dias, human. I hope you don't mind I have my monster kick down your door.

NC: (approaches del Toro) Is he housebroken?

Del Toro: (scoffs) He broke into your house! (laughs) No, seriously, he shit all over the floor.

NC: Okay, can you get rid of him, please?

Del Toro: Only if done in artistically poetic way.

NC: I don't care, just do it!

Del Toro: Certainly. (addresses the deadman) Daniel. (whispers) The sun...is a lie.

(Johannes Brahms's lullaby "Wiegenlied" starts playing as the deadman's skin collapses, transforming him into a Jesus-like sculpture)

NC: (rolling eyes) Oh, my God...

(The sculpture itself slowly turns into small pieces, falling on the floor. Del Toro passionately "kisses it goodbye". NC is unimpressed. However, Malcolm and Jim appear next to del Toro)

Malcolm: Del Toro, that was amazing!

Jim: (brings out a prize) Yes, here's an award for something.

Del Toro: (takes the prize, satisfied) Oh, gracias, gracias.

Malcolm: So what's your next flawless project?

Del Toro: Well, for my next project, I decide to do something a little different. It's called (holds up a binder reading) "Monsters are Cool and Bad People are Bad".

Malcolm: That is different!

Jim: It already sounds brilliant!

Malcolm: Brilliantly brilliant!

NC: Except I just decided... (throws away the binder) ...I do not want to.

Jim: Yeah, that's pretty dupe.

Malcolm: You are so much more.

Jim: You're a name.

Del Toro: (chuckling) Gracias, gracias.

NC: (to the camera) Yeah. Del Toro is kind of a hot thing right now.

(The montage of photos related to Guillermo del Toro and the shooting of his films is shown)

NC (vo): What started out as a fanbase of movie monster lovers has turned into a pop culture phenomenon, with people praising the artistic style and dramatic substance of a true visionary. And when I say "visionary", I mean he has a very distinct look and feel, usually focusing on the weird outcast being the heroes and large aggressive forces being the villain. You always know when you're watching a del Toro movie.

(The posters of del Toro's movies are shown next to posters of films or books similar in concepts: Pan's Labyrinth and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, The Shape of Water and Creature from Black Lagoon, Crimson Peak and The Haunting, Mimic and Them, and finally, Pacific Rim and FOUR screenshots of (clockwise) the Transformers animated series, Big O, an old Godzilla movie and the Power Rangers show, accompanied by a caption "Pick one")

NC (vo): But, in terms of stories and characters, a lot of them seem a little...familiar. Not in a bad way. I mean, the inspired sources are still cool things to take from. It's just for a guy praised for his originality, a lot of what he does doesn't seem that new.

NC: Because of this, I just don't see his movies as...perfection.

(Malcolm and Jim gasp in shock, and del Toro almost faints)

Del Toro: Santa Maria!..

Malcolm: You dare blaspheme del Toro?!

Jim: He won the Best Picture for The Shape of Water. He's changing the Hollywood system!

NC: You really think that was the best picture of the year and it wasn't just the Academy virtue-signaling?

Jim: In what way? It's about loving whoever you want...

Malcolm: The close-minded conservative is the villain...

Jim: It was directed by a minority...

Malcolm: And Octavia Spencer was in it!

Jim: (to Malcolm) Maybe we should have rethought this argument.

NC: I don't think del Toro is bad, honestly. I just don't see he's the second coming of Jesus either!

Del Toro: (takes out the same binder from before, with the previous title crossed out) Speaking of which, I decided to do a Haunted Mansion movie again.

Malcolm and Jim: Yeeeeeah!

Del Toro: Ah, maybe not. (throws the binder away)

Malcolm: Aw, it wasn't worth it.

Jim: Yeah, you can do better.

NC: I don't know. I feel like the best equivalent of what del Toro can achieve as a director can be summed up in Blade II.

Malcolm and Jim: He directed that?

Del Toro: I directed that? Oh, oh, yeah! I did! I did that! (chuckles nervously)

Jim: It was brilliant.

Malcolm: A masterpiece in its own right.

Del Toro: (still chuckling) That was me.

Malcolm: What smells like monster feces?

(Del Toro's smile goes down as Jim sniffs out the room. The title of Blade II is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): Released in 2002, this is not del Toro's best movie by a long shot. But it does deliver exactly what it promises, has some cool visuals along the way, and is by no means perfect, but still has a unique passion that makes it a fulfilling experience. It's a solid movie, despite there being a lot of strange goofy and over-the-top elements, but that's also part of what makes it so much fun. It's del Toro just kind of doing his thing, giving us weird outcasts, lots of gore, cool monsters and dark shadows for them to hide in. In my opinion, it's the perfect movie to show del Toro's repeated strengths. But it also clearly shows his repeated weaknesses, too. Not that they're overbearing, but they are a bit easier to spot in something not quite as... (The poster for The Shape of Water appears again) ...award grantee. So we're gonna look at this zany flick, because it's one of the few del Toro movies people can accept as just...a zany flick.

NC: (at the table again) Let's start ice-skating uphill. This is...

(Jim, del Toro and Malcolm are sitting on chairs in NC's room)

Del Toro: STOP! I have decided to do... (takes out the same binder from before, now reading...) Hobbit Part 4. (Malcolm raises his hands in triumph and Jim hands del Toro the prize) Ah, maybe not. (throws the binder on the floor)

Malcolm: Good call.

Jim: Yeah, it's not with your genius. (Beat) You're having award, anyway.

Del Toro: (takes the prize, chuckling) Gracias!

Jim: I'm sure you did something great in the last 10 minutes.

NC: ...Blade II.

(The movie begins)

NC (vo): The film opens at a blood bank in the Czech Republic, as a sickly looking man named Nomak, played by Luke Goss, is eager to get involved in the blood biz, so to speak.

(Nomak is in the blood bank underground)

Nurse: Where did you get that scar on your chin?

Nomak: Childhood accident.

NC: (as Nomak) A little boy made fun of me for being in (poster of...) Tekken, so I accidentally punched his childhood!

(Nomak is brought to an operatic table and is strapped to it)

NC (vo): It looks like, big shock, these are vampires, and Nomak has a rare blood type they want to drain out of him.

Nomak: What is this?

Doctor: This is a good news/bad news scenario, Jared. (puts on a glove with five syringes) Bad news...for you.

(Nomak starts sobbing)

NC: (as Nomak) Oh, God, I'm in an Elm Street movie, aren't I? (The shot of Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors wearing five syringes is shown) Please say I don't go out via Power Glove! (The following shot of Freddy is from Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)

(Nomak suddenly breaks free and attacks the bank staff)

NC (vo): But Nomak attacks, as it appears he's a different kind of monster.

Nomak: (speaking in Romanian, looking at the surveillance camera) Vampires! I hate vampires.

NC: Everyone says that after seeing (poster of...) Vampire Academy.

(Cut to 1999, as the titular character, Blade, is packing up for his mission. This is shown alongside the footage of the first film)

NC (vo): Cut to Blade, played again by Wesley Snipes, getting ready for his next mission as the credits roll.

Blade: (narrating) They call me..."The Daywalker".

NC (vo; as Blade): ...when they're not calling me "The Tax Dodger".

NC: (crumples the paper reading "Tax Joke" and throws it away) There. Got that joke out of the way. (smiles, imitating Doc Holiday from Tombstone) Now we can be friends again.

NC (vo): He says he's looking for Whistler...which is confusing, seeing how we saw him (Whistler) kill himself in the last film...but if there's anything David S. Goyer is great at, it's giving characters satisfying deaths. (The shot of Superman lying dead from Batman v Superman is shown)

(The pack of vampires is shown running in the tunnel)

Vampire Leader: Daywalker's here! Stop him!

NC (vo): He chases down some vampires who might have some info on where to find him.

(Blade shoots directly at the leader)

NC: But not that one. He presumably knew nothing.

(The leader vaporizes to his death in fire, which is done in an obvious CGI effect)

Jim: Now, Guillermo, what was your thought process on focusing...

Jim (vo): ...on the fake effect for so long?

Malcolm (vo): Yes, was it a statement to say...

Malcolm: ...that movies need to have better effects?

Del Toro: No. It was just a rushed production. Even I don't like the effect.

Jim: Whoo! I just got chills.

Malcolm: (yells into the sky) Inspiringly inspired!

Del Toro: (to Jim) It's true. (Both him and Jim stare at Malcolm, who's frozen in the "yelling position")

(Another vampire riding a motorcycle approaches Blade, but the latter jumps in the air and steps on his head)

NC (vo; as a vampire): Dick! You're a dick!

(Blade damages the motorcycle's wheel, which causes it to crash and the vampire fall on the ground. The famous Goofy Holler is put over it. Blade takes another motorcycle, which is Ducati, for himself. He stops to look in the car's rear view mirror and makes a smooch)

NC: (amused) I'm officially starting a petition that Wesley Snipes never change. (The photo of a clipboard with the said title written above is shown)

(The vampire recovers, and Blade takes his head, putting it closer to his motorcycle's wheel)

NC (vo): So what's the bullshit reason Whistler is still whistling Dixie?

Vampire: (speaking in Romanian, screaming) He shot himself. Then he turned. We just kept him alive!

NC: Makes you wonder. Did the...

(The clip of Whistler's death scene in the first film is shown)

NC (vo): ...vampire-killing bullets in Blade's gun not work? Was Whistler not a vampire yet? Even if so, I think a vampire-killing bullet would probably do the same thing to a 60-year-old man. Did the vampires drop by Blade's hideout after Blade defeated Frost to get Whistler? Weird-ass strategy, to say the least.

NC: Okay, let's be honest, we all know what actually happened here.

Whistler: Now walk away.

(Blade does so)

NC (vo; as Whistler): Eh, shit. I don't have balls to do this. Um... (A gunshot is heard) That was me! I fired the gun! I'm dead! Dropping the gun to the floor, because I'm dead! Don't bring your delicious blood-filled body back here...ah, dookie.

(Back to the sequel. Another gang of vampires wearing sunglasses are shown residing and making red crystal meth)

NC (vo): One of the vampires takes Blade to where they're holding Whistler...while they're doing blood Coke...

NC: (as a photo of "Blood" Coca-Cola bottle is shown) No, no, no. (It's followed by a photo of a can of Coke II, giving NC second thoughts) Well...

(Blade bursts into the hideout and fights the vampires)

NC (vo): ...as Blade makes himself at home and kicks some ass. Though, honestly, the stunts aren't quite as good as the first time.

(Before attacking another opponent, Blade runs on the wall a little bit)

NC: (nonplussed) That was literally a hop and a skip! Why'd he even do that?!

NC (vo): It is still fun, though, because it's still Blade badassing it up.

(Blade kicks one vampire in the leg, turns to him while making an incoherent yell, and smacks him in the head)

NC: (as this clip is replayed above) That's the sound of a man who just remembered he's Wesley Snipes.

(Finding Whistler locked in a tank of blood, Blade releases him and brings him to Prague, curing him there with an anti-virus vampire serum. The next morning, Blade opens the blinds and nothing happens to Whistler)

NC (vo): He finds Whistler in... (The bacta tank from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back is shown briefly) that thing from Empire Strikes Back, as Blade takes him to his hideout and gives him a cure that hopefully works. He has a flashback of his poignant death that now means nothing, as he opens the blinds and finds he's back to normal. Or as normal as Mr. Grumpy Pants can be.

Blade: How do you feel?

Whistler: Like hammered shit.

NC: How Kris Kristofferson usually greets the morning.

(Blade introduces Whistler to Scud, his new weapons creator)

NC (vo): He's introduced to Blade's new gear man, or gear boy, Scud, played by...get this...Norman Reedus. Yeah. (Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead is shown) That Norman Reedus.

Scud: I'm Josh. You can call me "Scud", though...everybody does.

(Blade and Whistler exchange glances)

NC: (as Blade) Laugh all you want, beef. You give that man a baby...

(A shot of Daryl Dixon carrying Judith Grimes as a baby is shown)

NC (vo; as Blade): ...every vagina on the Internet turns into (shot of...) that crazy lady from Roger Rabbit. (normal) But you want the weirdest cameo in the movie? It's not from Reedus. It's not from Kristofferson. It's not even from any of the memorable cast! It's from the Powerpuff Girls.

(Zoom in to a clip from the mentioned show playing on TV in Blade's headquarters)

NC: For whatever reason, The Powerpuff Girls are the only thing on TV...

(Short scenes featuring the footage from The Powerpuff Girls playing on various television sets are shown)

NC (vo): ...in this universe! I...have nothing against them, but...what the hell do they have to do with Blade? Like...at all?

NC: Seriously, del Toro, what's up with that?

Jim: Yes, why that breathtaking choice?

Del Toro: (laughs a bit) This is a very funny story. See, New Line is owned by Warner Bros.. Warner Bros. owns Cartoon Network. So I just thought it was a funny show. (laughs with Malcolm and Jim)

Jim: As do we all.

Del Toro: I love Buttercup.

Malcolm: Ah, if only Blade had a crossover with the Powerpuff Girls.

Del Toro: (takes out the SAME binder with another crossed-out title, now reading "Powerpuff Girls Meet Blade") It shall be done!

Malcolm and Jim: Yeeeeeeah!

(NC, looking unamused and knowing full well what will happen next, counts with his fingers from 3 to 1)

Del Toro: Ah, maybe not. (throws the binder on the floor again)

Jim: Absolutely not.

Malcolm: What a waste of time.

NC: (turns back to camera) Yeah.

(The lights in the headquarters start flickering, so Blade turns them off, and he, Whistler and Scud hide somewhere)

NC (vo): Vampires are detected in their hideout, though, and they gear up for a fight.

(A pair of ninja vampires are shown silently swinging on the ceiling and quietly jumping on the floor...next to Whistler, who's armed with a gun and starts shooting wildly)

NC: (chuckling) I don't know what's funnier: the fact that they land...

NC (vo): ...right in front of Whistler, expecting not to be seen...

NC: ...or the fact that Whistler...

(As one of the ninja vampires approaches Whistler, the latter does pretty much nothing and is knocked down)

NC (vo): ...lets him take him down with virtually no resistance! He looks like he's patiently waiting for someone to kick his ass!

(The scene is paused)

NC (vo; as Whistler): Please take away my gun. (The scene resumes for a second to show a ninja kicking a gun out of Whistler's hands) Please punch me. (The ninja knocks Whistler down) Please kill me for real next time in Blade 3.

(Another ninja attacks Blade on top of the roof with sais, and Blade blocks the attack with his sword's handle)

NC (vo; as a ninja): Okay, are you really using your sword handle to fight me? Dick! You're a dick!

(The fight between two ninjas and Blade continues)

NC (vo): This sword fight more than makes up for the so-so fight in the beginning...

NC: That is, except for one thing.

(One part of the fight is shown in the shadows, with Blade kicking the ninja, who jumps back in a really smooth-looking fashion that no human can master, revealing this snippet to be computer-animated)

NC: Oh! Sorry, I must have switched to (poster of...) Ladybug and Cat Noir. What the hell is this?!

NC (vo): These effects are abysmal, even for back then. It goes from some really kick-ass sword fighting to some of the worst CG in these movies I've ever seen, (The short clip from the first movie, showing Frost's body healing up after Blade have sliced him in two, is shown) and that's saying quite a bit!

NC: A fight between...

(A clip from Toy Story, showing Woody and Buzz fighting from Andy's car to the gas station, is shown in the top right corner)

NC (vo): ...Woody and Buzz would look more convincing than this!

Male Ninja: (speaking in Japanese) Nyssa! Put your sword away! (The second ninja stops attacking Blade) Your people shot first.

NC (vo; as the male ninja): And I just remembered I can use my voice, so I'm doing that three minutes into the fight. It's smart.

Male Ninja: We represent the ruling body of the Vampire Nation. They're offering you a truce.

NC: I don't know why you took us sneaking in and blacking out your cameras the wrong way!

Blade: Take off your mask.

(The male ninja, who's named Asad, takes off his mask. He's played by Danny John-Jules)

NC: Aw, they've taken the smeg.

(Nyssa, played by Leonor Varela, also reveals her face to Blade. We cut to the base, where Vampire Lord Eli Damaskinos (Thomas Kretschmann) first meets with Blade in his crypt)

NC (vo): They ask Blade for help, as something is apparently killing off vampires, and they need his assistance to track them down. So they bring him to the capital of the Vampire Nation and introduced him to their overlord.

Damaskinos: lt has been said, "Be proud of your enemy and enjoy his success."

NC (vo; as Damaskinos): It has also been said you're a douche. I like that one better.

(Damaskinos' human agent, Karel Kounen (Karel Roden) comes up to Blade and reaches his hand to Blade for shaking)

Karel: Karel Kounen.

Blade: You're human.

Karel: Barely. I'm a lawyer.

NC: (shakes head, smirking) I hate how much I love that joke.

NC (vo): They say a mutation of the vampire gene found in Nomak turned him into a creature called a Reaper, who feeds on vampires and/or turns them into Reapers as well.

Blade: You want me to hunt them...for you?

Damaskinos: When they are finished with us, who do you think they'll turn on next?

NC (vo; as Blade): Twilight fans. (as Damaskinos) Well, obviously. After that? (as Blade) Humans. (as Damaskinos) With a brief appetizer of Johnny Depp. (The poster for Dark Shadows is shown)

(Cut to Blade, Whistler and Scud, now out of the crypt)

Scud: So, B-man, what do you think?

Blade: Sounds like a plan.

Whistler: What do you really think?

Blade: They're gonna fuck us the first chance they get.

NC: Can I point out that dozens have signed that petition since I announced it a few minutes ago? (A photo of a paper filled with signatures is shown)

(Asad and Nyssa lead the three to the lair of the Bloodpack, a group of vampire warriors and assassins who were originally assembled to kill Blade)

NC (vo): They agree to play along, hoping they'll get deeper into the vampire world than they've ever been before. Thus, they're introduced to the Bloodpack, a unit trained to hunt Blade, but now they have to work with him.

Malcolm: (sniffs) Do you smell that?

(NC sniffs as well)

Malcolm: Something smells amazingly awesome. Oh, could it be the badassness of Ron Perlman?!

(The primary member of the Bloodpack, Reinhardt, played by Ron Perlman, is first shown)

NC, Malcolm and Jim: YEEEEEAH!!

Del Toro: (grinning) Si.

NC (vo): Perlman is the man pearl in every cinematic oyster he's in. Always stealing the show with his tough, aggressive attitude, his army tank of cool cannot be contained. Here, he's a member of the Bloodpack and one of the main antagonists of Blade, building up a tension-filled rivalry.

Malcolm: (excited) Oh, my God, this is gonna be awesome!

NC: Indeed, it is. So, what's his first line?

Reinhardt: (to Blade) Me and the gang were wonderin'... (leans to Blade's ear) Can you blush?

Chupa (Matt Schulze): (offscreen) Uh-oh. Here we go, Poppy.

(NC sits there with a frozen smile)

Del Toro: (swaying towards the disappointed Malcolm and Jim clenching his teeth) Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Malcolm: Did that cracker son of a bitch just say what I thought he said?

Del Toro: No, no, no, no. What he said was, "Can you blush?".

NC: I think that's what he thought he said.

Malcolm: Yeah, that's what I thought he said.

Del Toro: Yeah, you see? Isn't it great? You see the Bloodpack. They all get behind him... Yeah.

Malcolm: Got it. Behind him.

(NC tugs on his tie for some air, feeling uncomfortable)

Del Toro: And they want to show how bad they are. In a fun way.

(Suddenly, Malcolm charges at del Toro to beat him up, but Jim runs to hold Malcolm back! During this, Gioacchino Rossini's "Storm" part from "William Tell Overture" plays)

NC: (nervous, showing up both hands for them to stop) Actually, there's some debate about what this line actually means.

NC (vo): I'll admit, at first, I didn't fully get it, so I went online to look it up. (The Google search results for the line "Can you blush?" and the theories on its meaning are shown) Not surprisingly, others can't quite figure it all out either. On the one hand, it's clearly a callback to the racial slur, even down to Blade insulting him back by calling him Adolf.

Blade: Adolf here gets the first shot.

NC: But...there's other black vampires this guy has been around. Hell, there's even...

NC (vo): ...one right in the room, as he says it. So it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

NC: Some have speculated it's actually a reverse of the insult.

NC (vo): Because as vampires, they can't blush. But Blade is half-human, so perhaps he can. The idea would be him being able to blush would be the mocking point, and so, they're using the slur as a flipped-around way of insulting him. Bottom line, if we have to talk this much about an evil line in order to understand it...well, how would an actual funny evil genius put it?

(Cut to a clip from Batman TAS episode "Mad Love")

Joker: (angrily, to Harley Quinn) If you have to explain the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!

NC: Exactly. It's a shitty line for a character you're not supposed to like anyway. Is that about right?

(Malcolm and Jim are shown furiously staring at each other, while del Toro is feeling slightly fearful)

Del Toro: I...I just wanted you to hate the guy! Do you?

Malcolm and Jim: (reluctantly) Well, yeah. Yeah.

Del Toro: Then shut the hell up and enjoy the movie.

Malcolm: Okay. But I'm taking one of your awards back. (snatches the prize out of del Toro's hands)

Del Toro: (scoffs) I have more awards than socks. (One award pops out from below with a cash register sound effect) You see?

(Back to the film, Blade installs a remotely-activated explosive device in the back of Reinhardt's head)

NC (vo): Blade doesn't like the confusing insult, so he places an explosive device in the back of Perlman's head.

Blade: You'll be taking orders from me. Any questions?

NC: (as a Bloodpack member, raising hand) Say, a vampire bites a werewolf, and he has to hold on to his blood in order to survive because of the Blood Moon. Can he blush?

NC (vo): Blade asks that he be taken to where vampires feed, thinking they'll find the Reapers there. He's taken to a spot, but doesn't see any of the vampire markings.

(Blade and Nyssa are standing in the needed location)

Nyssa: Have a closer look. (hands Blade the binoculars that reveal a vampire walking across the street) Because of you, we've had to rethink our habits.

NC: (as Nyssa) So let me show you exactly how to find them. We're really stupid.

(The rest of the Bloodpack, Whistler and Scud join Blade and unpack all of their weapons)

NC (vo): But hell with this shit, let's get to the coolest part of any movie like this: weapon porn!

(Different clips from this scene are shown)

Whistler: This hypervelocity stake gun spits out a silver stake...

Scud: It's got a pneumatic syringe delivery system.

Whistler: .45 and 9mm caliber.

NC: Oh, yeah! Oh, tell me how it works!

Scud: The vials are filled with an anticoagulant called EDTA.

Whistler: All with foil capsules at the tip...

Scud: l hot-wired a couple of these babies to a nitro-vacuum.

NC: (arousingly, stroking himself) Oh, yeah! Oh, you're gonna kill some shit with that, aren't you?!

Scud: The cartridge ejects. Automatic reload.

Whistler: We've modified the gun's entry light with a UV filter.

Scud: Enough explosives to level a city block. / One punch with this, you'll blow your target up like a balloon.

NC: (still feeling himself) Oh, it's like the movie becomes the only manual instructions you're allowed to read!

(Whistler is told that he doesn't look like a vampire and so he should cover their backs)

NC (vo): Whistler is told to stay outside, though, as they think he's too old to keep up.

Whistler: So the Bloodpack's calling the shots now, huh?

NC: The sad part is...they're kinda right.

NC (vo): Whistler is a little bit of a pain in the ass in this, complaining how people are doing things wrong, complaining how he's left out of the loop. It's like watching cable news, just seeing an old guy bitch and moan about everything.

Whistler: (various clips) Where'd you dig up this shitbird? / [I've been] sucking blood clots for two years. / I've had enough of their world. / Some jerkoff fucking with my life's work. / What the hell is that supposed to mean? / l built this operation, you ass-wipe! / Some of us can't see in the dark.

(Cut to a clip from The Simpsons Season 22 episode "The Scorpion's Tale")

Grampa Abe: (to Bart reading a Radioactive Man comic) Nose in a funny book, how rude.

Whistler: (various clips) They're just shitting bricks 'cause they're no longer... / What the fuck are you doing?

(Another Simpsons clip, now from Season 13's "The Old Man and the Key")

Grampa Abe: What are you crying about? You don't have to live here.

NC (vo): So Blade and the Bloodpack enter a club where vampires hang out.

(The gang enters the night club that is said to be vampires' dwelling)

Blade: You gotta be kidding me.

(The camera pulls up to show the club's patrons dancing to rave music)

NC: (as Blade) I mean, a place where vampires rave? I have never seen that since the first movie... (A shot of the similar scene from the first film, showing vampires drinking blood from the sprinklers, is shown briefly) Yeah, I have no I idea why I said that line.

(Two vampires are shown piercing their tongues. In the sewers below, the Reapers wait for their attack)

NC (vo): While some partake in literal tongue-lashing, the Reapers are getting ready to strike.

(Cut to Scud in a van, surrounded by monitors showing the club via surveillance cameras, taking out a bagel for himself)

Scud: Mother's milk.

NC: (as Scud) No, really. In eight years, I'm totally gonna be a sex symbol, but none of my girlfriends believe me.

(Nomak shows up and takes Nyssa hostage. Blade discovers both of them and confronts Nomak)

NC (vo): Nomak captures the overlord's daughter Nyssa, played by Leonor Varela, but Blade intercepts him.

Nomak: What am I to you? ls the enemy of my enemy my friend...or my enemy?

NC: (as Nomak) Let's compromise and say "frenemy". You look good, penis dick!

(Blade groin-kicks Nomak and shoots him in the head. The force of the shot sends him flying into the cupboard, with a somersault, even)

NC: (amused) That might be the silliest reaction to a gunshot I've ever seen!

NC (vo): That's more how a cartoon mascot reacts when he finds his favorite cereal! (imitating Sonny the Cuckoo Bird) I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo!

(The Reapers show up from their hive, and the shootout begins)

NC (vo): The other Reapers start attacking, too, as they don't have much time to catch them.

Blade: (to Nyssa) Daylight. (leaves her and enters the shootout)

NC (vo; as Blade): Stallone, '96. Underrated classic. Red-box it tonight.

(Chupa and Asad shoot at one of the Reapers, but he's not harmed)

Scud: (via intercom) Silver don't do jack shit, men! Don't waste the bullets!

NC: (as Scud) Also, aiming. It would have worked better if you were aiming, jackass!

(Another Reaper finds Whistler on the roof, bangs his head on the pillar and hisses)

NC: So I have to admit, from a design standpoint, the Reapers are kind of boring.

NC (vo): They're just bald vampires that make zombie sounds. Couldn't something make them a little bit more unique--?

(The Reaper opens his mouth, which enlarges to an absolute degree)

NC: (impressed) Well, that raised the awesome to Jesus surfing on the dinosaur! (The Photoshopped picture of exactly that is shown)

(Blade finds Nomak, and the latter charges at him. Both fall off in slow-motion while still fighting)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Blake catches up with Nomak, and these two hate each other so much, they literally punch each other while falling in slow-mo! (as Nomak) I can't wait for the ground to finish you off! I want you dead now!

(They land, crashing into the wood. Blade sees Nyssa reflecting the daylight into his sword, and he burns Nomak's face, forcing him to retreat)

NC (vo): The sun starts to burn him, though, as Blade wins this round. I have to admit, the action and the monsters in this are pretty solid.

NC: (addressing del Toro) It's not anything spectacular, but you really are turning in a fun, dark, imaginative flick.

Del Toro: Well, it is great when you have fans who appreciate fun, dark, imaginative entertainment.

(Cut to a depressed, drunken man in sunglasses with black, curly hair holding a beer bottle. This is Tim Burton, played by Doug. The sad string music plays throughout)

Burton: (slurring through his words) Oh, yeah. That's always how it starts. (drinks)

Malcolm: Tim Burton?

Burton: One day, you're the cinematic master of dark fantasies...the next year, the filler material in-between Disney projects. You think you're the new author of Gothic whimsy? (scoffs) You're not even wearing a black shirt. (drinks again)

Jim: Uh, look, Tim, it seems like you've had a little bit too much to drink, so why don't you...

Burton: You think they're gonna stay with you?! Your fans that see you as a poetic artist?! They'll turn their back on you the minute you make up Mars Attacks!

Del Toro: Tim, why don't you go direct Beetlejuice 2?

Burton: (looking and sounding hurt) Is that all you think I am? A rehasher of shit that's already been done?

Del Toro: No, it's literally next movie you signed up for.

Burton: Oh, yeah. I forgot I even agreed to that.

NC: Tim, we have a review we're in the middle of, so if you could...

Burton: (breaking down) I used to be the big shit! Me! I was the one people turned to for weird superheroes and bizarre creatures! You just wait, del Toro! This is your future! Your face here, baby! (laughs mockingly while sobbing and leaves the room) Oh, God! Someone call Danny De Vito to pick me up!

NC: (left in stunned silence) Whoo...

Jim: (comforts del Toro with Malcolm) Don't worry, del Toro. That's not gonna be you.

Malcolm: Yeah, you're not gonna be remaking old properties.

Del Toro: (sounding grieved) My next film's Pinocchio.

Jim: (making a forced smile) Well, shit.

(We go to a commercial. After coming back, we're shown the Bloodpack (minus one member, Priest, who was killed by Blade earlier) taking the lone Reaper, who is dying from thirst, back to a safe house for further observation. The dissection of its corpse (which, by the way, is made with the usage of a real wax model) reveals the Reapers' prime weakness)

NC (vo): So Whistler finds one of the Reapers over a hole, and they suspect that's where they'll find the rest of them. After a pretty cool examination scene with one of them, Nyssa tries to figure out why Blade is so cold to the people that for years tried to kill him. Yeah, weird, right?

Nyssa: (to Blade) The way you talked to them...us. Why do you hate us so much?

NC: (as Nyssa) We just want to do every terrible thing you could hate a person for!

Nyssa: You know the thirst better than any of us. The only difference between us, is that l made peace with what l am a long time ago.

NC: (as Nyssa) That, and I would have said no to U.S. Marshals. (A shot from this movie is shown) Tommy Lee Jones was in a chicken suit, for God's sake.

(The Bloodpack searches for the Reapers' nest in the sewers. While there, Reinhardt knocks Whistler down as an act of revenge for the loss of Priest)

NC (vo): So they gear up for round two, as they journey underground and hunt the Reapers. But the vampires betray Whistler and figure killing him would even the score for them losing their team member.

Reinhardt: I'll leave you two lovebirds some time to yourselves.

(He leaves as Chupa beats Whistler up. Later, we cut to Blade in the other part of the sewers)

Whistler: (via intercom) l spotted a group in the east tunnel.

NC: Huh. Makes you wonder why Whistler didn't use his radio while he was getting the shit beat out of him.

NC (vo; as Whistler via intercom): (while the kicking sounds are heard throughout) Hey, Blade-- Ow! I hate to be a bummer-- Dick! ...But can you get a can of aspirin--? Ah-how! ...And a blowfish to stick up your ass for agreeing to the bullshit mission--? Jesus, that hurts!

(Chupa is torn apart by the Reapers who were attracted by his scent, making Whistler the way to escape)

NC (vo): The Whistler reaps the benefit, so to speak, as the Reapers kill his attacker, and he regroups with the rest of the team.

(Reinhardt and Nyssa shoot off the Reapers while running through the sewers. Reinhardt yells in pain when passing the sunlight and kills another Reaper)

NC (vo; as Reinhardt): Take that, sun! Oh, there's a Reaper there. That's lucky.

(Whistler, Reinhardt and Nyssa go down the tunnel as Blade is surrounded by the Reapers)

Blade: You obviously...do not know...who you are FUCKING WITH! (uses all of his weapons)

NC (vo; as Blade): I stole a role from Prince in a Michael Jackson video! (A shot of Snipes as a gang member in "Bad" music video is shown) Google that shit, asshole: from goddamn Prince! Now look at this epic shoooot!

(Blade climbs up a metal box and continues shooting off the enemies)

NC: Boy, for saying bullets don't work, they sure do...work.

(Using a special UV emitter bomb pack, which emits a huge beam of bright light, Blade kills all of the Reapers)

NC (vo): Blade sets off a giant case of light bomb, which I have no idea how light bombs work, but, apparently, they can travel down tunnels.

(Blade, Nyssa, Whistler and Reinhardt dive underwater as the bomb is still finishing the Reapers off)

NC (vo): Of course! Water is impenetrable to...light!

NC: Blade says that, so now it's science! (slams the table with fist)

(While attempting to escape, Whistler is stopped by Nomak and gives him a royal seal ring)

NC (vo): Nomak finds Whistler and says he'll let him live if he delivers a message to Blade.

(Nomak whispers something to Whistler's ear, mentioning Damaskinos and Nyssa)

NC (vo; as Whistler): I'm a gazillion years old. What makes you think I can hear you? Why are you whispering, anyway? Afraid the Ninja Turtles will intercept?

(Blade has to transfer his blood to the seriously damaged Nyssa. After the latter regains consciousness, Blade is suddenly electrocuted by Reinhardt. Karel Kounen and Scud show up)

NC (vo): Nyssa is burned bad, so Blade gives her some of his blood to save her. And seriously, who would've thought you couldn't trust a vampire, huh?

Karel: You've done a great job.

Reinhardt: Not that great. (kicks the restrained Blade in the head)

(Blade awakens in a metal chamber cell, surrounded by his former allies and Damaskinos)

NC (vo): They wake up in a blood chamber at the vampire headquarters, where Whistler tells Nomak's secret that he was created by the vampires as the genetic means to get rid of their weaknesses.

Whistler: You want to explain how Nomak got ahold of this ring?

Damaskinos: l would have thought that was obvious at this point.

NC: Man, even the overlord is mocking how predictable this script is!

Damaskinos: l gave it to him, of course. A gift from father to son.

(Nyssa becomes concerned and leaves the chamber. Damaskinos goes off as well)

NC (vo; as Nyssa): Well, that angers me so much, I'm gonna pout and run away! (as Damaskinos) You're not so cool. I can do that, too! (as Reinhardt) Um...help?

(Reinhardt shoots Blade in the leg. However, Blade takes out a remote connected to a explosive device he planted on Reinhardt's head and prepares to press the button, yet Scud says it won't work)

NC (vo): He tries detonating the bomb on Perlman's head, but it looks like Scud betrayed him as well and says the bomb is a fake.

NC: God! Vampires, lawyers, guys names Scud...who can you trust in this world?

Scud: What do you think about that, man?

Blade: Two things. I've been onto you. And two...it's not a dud.

(Scud unluckily happened to be holding the bomb at the time, so Blade presses a second switch on his remote)

NC (vo; as Scud): Aw, dick! Dick!

(Scud explodes, his remains flying all over the place)

NC: Two things. One...

NC (vo): ...if you knew about it, how come you never used it to your advantage?

NC: Two: why use the bomb on...

NC (vo): ...easily the most non-threatening person in the room?

NC: Probably because of three: it's just cool to see Daryl get blown up!

(The scene of Scud exploding is shown)

NC: Aw. Now they'll never finish Silent Hills.

(The poster for the video game P.T. by Konami is shown. Damaskinos orders his scientists to dissect Blade so they can learn how to replicate his abilities, so Blade is strapped to an operating table)

NC (vo): They knock Blade out and say his blood, like always, is the missing key to their evil plans. Thus, he spends a good chunk of a climax on a table half-alive.

(The camera pans over the vampires' headquarters, with the green arrow pointing at three guards standing still on top of the building, and then pointing at some of them passing by the building. All of them don't notice Nomak on the roof)

NC (vo; as a guard): Ha-ha. As guards, we're not paid to look slightly to our left. Or a teeny bit up. (chants as all of the guards, imitating the March of the Winkies from The Wizard of Oz) Oh, we suck. We su-uck!

(After escaping his captors, Whistler unstraps Blade and brings him to a blood pool, in where he falls and regains enough strength)

NC (vo): But it looks like Whistler breaks free and sneaks in to save Blade. Blade needs blood, though, so he's dropped into Willy Wonka's blood fountain, where he gets his strength back.

NC: Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest usage of a Crystal Method song ever.

(As Blade fights his way through Damaskinos' henchmen, the song "Name of the Game" by Crystal Method plays. Reinhardt is shown simply watching this)

NC (vo; as one of the guards, in a bored tone): I guess we'll just stand back here until it's our turn. (as another guard) But why? (as the guard) Just taking the song, man! Taking the song!

(Blade lifts up the remaining guard)

NC: Gotta love how after all this martial arts, Blade takes out the final guy with a...

NC (vo): ...WWE body slam!

(Blade smashes the guard against the glass he's standing on. He quickly stands back, as a cartoony sound effect is added on)

Reinhardt: (puts his gun on the floor) Well, like my daddy said right before he killed my mum..."Want anything done right, you gotta do it yourself."

NC: (hands on cheeks) I am instantly sad I'm never gonna know this character's backstory.

(Before Reinhardt can attack Blade with the sword, the latter stops it mid-blow)

NC (vo): Blade stops the sword mid-whoosh and gives the callback...

Blade: Can you blush?

NC (vo; as Reinhardt): Oh, did you take this as a race thing? I wanted to know being a half-breed-- (Blade takes hold of the sword and slices Reinhardt in two, killing him) Ooh! That was awesome.

(Whistler shows up and throws Blade his sunglasses. Blade quickly catches them and silently puts them on)

NC: (really impressed) Is it possible to jizz a rainbow? Because I just did!

(Nyssa and Damaskinos attempt to escape. However, Nyssa, who became disillusioned with her father's extreme methods, locks the exit door, preventing either one of them from running away. Nomak then shows up and grabs Damaskinos)

NC (vo): The overlord tries to escape, but Nyssa traps him for risking her life, as well as her men and her brother. Speaking of which...

Damaskinos: (speaking in Romanian) We will find a cure.

NC: (as Damaskinos) Seriously, we can cure ugly in the near future...that was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it?

(Nomak bites Damaskinos in the neck, killing him)

NC (vo; as Damaskinos): Aaaah! Okay, lesson learned.

NC: Another fantastically "not-CG" effect (counts with fingers) in three, two...

(Standing in the shadows, Nomak throws Blade on the floor, jumps on the wall and elbow-drops on Blade)

NC: Well, now we know what happens when the characters from ReBoot wrestle.

(Blade stabs his broken sword through the side of Nomak's chest and into his bone-protected heart. Nomak then commits suicide to end his suffering by shoving the sword in the heard. Nyssa, who was bitten by Nomak before and became infected with the virus, is slowly dying)

NC (vo): Blade finally finishes him off and tends to the dying Nyssa.

Nyssa: I want to see the sun.

(Blade carries a weak, soon-to-be-Reaper Nyssa outside for the sunrise, where she disintegrates in his arms)

NC (vo; as Blade): Okay. But don't look right at it, or you'll do some serious damage. Heh-heh-heh. A vampire hunter humor there. Aaaand you're dead.

(Cut to London. The vampire Rush (who was left to live in the opening scene) is preparing to make use of one of the booths at a sex club)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, in London, the vampire that told Blade where to find Whistler is off to a peep show.

(As soon as the curtains open, Rush is shocked to find Blade on the other side of the glass)

NC (vo; as Rush): Hey, what the hell?

NC: (as Rush) I ordered a naked Wesley Snipes lookalike! Nake-- Oh, shit.

(Rush screams, and Blade rams his sword through the glass and into Rush's skull. The movie ends)

NC: (as Rush) Eh. Looks like my horoscope was correct.

(The film's clips play out once more as NC states his final thoughts on it)

NC (vo): Blade II is a whole lot of fun. Certainly clunky at times, but the right amount of inventive stunts, monsters, gore and characters do make it pretty enjoyable. It's a creatively serviceable film, which is what I think del Toro is good at turning in. Like I said before, I don't think this is anywhere near its best; I'd probably say something like (poster of...) Pan's Labyrinth is closer to that; but it's a good representation of him taking a genre, giving it a spin, and turning out something pretty decent. To some, del Toro might be a trailblazing genius; to me, he's just a cool guy who makes cool movies. And all I gotta say is, what the hell is wrong with that?

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme-- (sees that all the seats in his room are empty) Hey, where'd everybody go?

(He gets up and leaves his room to see...del Toro and Burton drinking together, along with Malcolm and Jim)

Del Toro: So, what is your next project?

Burton: Well, it's about an outcast who's constantly shat on, and a bunch of weird stuff happens to him.

Del Toro: That...is amazing coincidence.

Burton: Huh?

Del Toro: 'Cause mine is an outcast who constantly gets shat on, and amazingly weird stuff happens to him.

Burton: Oh, really?

Del Toro: Eh...maybe not.

Jim: Will any of the characters wear black?

Del Toro and Burton: Do you even need to ask?

(Everybody laughs)

NC: Hey. You all doing okay?

Malcolm: Oh, it's wonderful. Once they realized that they're just trying to rip off every monster movie ever made, they became best friends.

Del Toro: Wait. Where did they know that?

Burton: Yeah, I thought that was about convincing you the fans. That's what changed everything.

Jim: Yeah, but that would mean a million were wrong, and the fans are never wrong.

Del Toro and Burton: Ah.

NC: Well, whatever agreement you came to, I hope it results in a lot of creativity in the future.

Burton: Hey, how about this...Godzilla, but it's a metaphor for an angsty loner?

Del Toro: And he's wearing black!

Burton: I knew, one day, you would come. (embraces del Toro and pats him on the back)

Del Toro: Gracias, mi amigo. (Malcolm and Jim chunk their bottles in victory) Gracias.

NC: (to the camera) I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...whatever it is.

Del Toro: I'm going to lie forever. (starts collapsing while in Burton's arms)

Burton: No, no, don't you give up on me! Don't you give up on me!

(Cut to the confused NC)

Del Toro: (offscreen) I need to become the shape of water.

Channel Awesome tagline - Blade: You're human.

Karel: Barely. I'm a lawyer.

(Cut to a blooper of one scene. Jim and Malcolm gasp in shock)

Rob as del Toro: Santa Maria!..

Malcolm: You dare...?

(And then, everybody breaks down laughing. The credits roll)

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