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Blade: Trinity
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Release Date
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May 19, 2021
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Running Time
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24:04
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Video
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(After the Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence, we go to NC in his room.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, after the smash hit...
(The titles for the following are shown...)
NC (vo): ...Blade and the even bigger smash hit Blade II...
(We then cut to the title for the third movie, Blade: Trinity.)
NC (vo): ...New Line decided, "Eh, let's do a bad one."
(Footage of the movie is shown.)
NC (vo): Released in 2004 and directed by human punching bag, for at least one more video, David S. Goyer, Blade: Trinity let down tons of fans not by being the worst comic book movie, but by being...another comic book movie. Say what you want about the first two, but they were big, over the top, and left an impression. This third installment is both and somehow less of what we've already seen before. With such a crazy plot as "Blade vs. Dracula", (A shot of a made-up poster for a movie called Blade vs. Dracula is superimposed.) which already would have been a better title, how could any film make that uninteresting? Well, this flick found a way, and we're gonna analyze how it did it. Let's see why motherfuckers are still trying to ice-skate uphill...
NC: How can a series with a line like that end on a bad note?! This is Blade: Trinity.
NC (vo): The film opens up with Ryan Reynolds...
NC: (excited) Hell, yeah–
(He gets interrupted, however, by a message reading "Pre-2016", which annoys him.)
NC: Oh, wha...? Boo!
NC (vo): ...talking about the famous count, pretty much saying, "You don't know Drac."
Hannibal King (Reynolds): (narrating) In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit.
NC: (as King) Don't believe me? Keep watching. (nods)
NC (vo): Cut to a temple being entered by vampires, as Goth Spock seems to locate the no longer resting place of old Vlad.
(The lights flash on and off as Dracula rises from his grave. The vampires try to fend him off.)
NC: Oh, shit! The security...
NC (vo): ...Spencer's strobe light has been activated! They cut before the dollar store strobe light rave begins to an interview with a psychiatrist and the Chief of Police. So naturally, let's talk about vampires.
Dr. Edgar Vance (John Michael Higgins): True health can only be achieved if we reconcile the body and the mind.
Larry King: How does it fit in with vampires?
NC: Are you really shocked this is on cable news?
Chief Martin Vreede (Mark Berry): You should focus in on characters like this Blade criminal.
King: I want to hear about this character, Blade.
NC (vo): This is already kind of a problem.
(Cut to a shot of a Batman comic called "The Dark Knight Returns".)
NC (vo): I get the feeling this film wanted to do like Frank Miller's "Dark Knight", where there's news commentary on Batman.
(Cut to Blade.)
NC (vo): But Blade was fun because he was so secretive. He was fighting a war between these ancient beings that kept this all under wraps. And he was good at staying under wraps, too.
(Cut back to Blade: Trinity.)
NC (vo): Now he's referenced on talk shows?
Dr. Vance: Blade is...a troubled individual.
NC: To be fair, this is the kind of story Fox News would run when they're slipping in the ratings.
NC (vo): Cut to Blade, played again by Wesley Snipes, hunting down bloodsuckers with his mentor [Abraham] Whistler, played again by Kris Kristofferson.
(As Whistler drives his truck down the road, Blade jumps onto it and smiles at Whistler.)
NC: (holds up index finger) The one thing every Wesley Snipes movie gets right? Wesley Snipes. (nods)
NC (vo): Honestly, the opening fight sequence is fine. Not as much martial arts, but an appropriate amount of badass silliness. Things go south, though, when Blade discovers one of them is human and this was all a setup to frame him for murder. This guy's pretty happy for being a blood sacrifice.
Murder victim: (to Blade) Set your sorry ass up! (laughs weakly)
NC: I mean, for this, you'll get off easy, (points to camera) but wait till you see the audit coming your way, man! (nods)
NC (vo): The FBI turns him into public enemy number one, and they try tracking him down.
Whistler: (to Blade) The media's eating it up. They're waging a goddamn PR campaign. Now it's not just vampires we gotta worry about...
NC (vo; as Whistler): It's hashtags; MSNBC; replacing your voice actor, even though you ain't a cartoon.
(Meanwhile, a vampire appears in the city.)
Vampire: I'm hungry and I wanna eat somebody!
NC (vo): I do like the idea that city life is so strange, vampires can say out loud who they want to kill and nobody cares.
Vampire 1: (calling out to a bunch of other vampires) Baby on board!
(The vampires spot a young woman holding what looks like a grocery bag, with a baby in a baby carrier on her chest.)
Vampire 2: Ohh, looks like we got ourselves a combo meal!
NC (vo): Fools, don't you know when you see French bread in a paper bag, it's always fake groceries?
(As we cut back to NC, a shot of an action movie showing a stack of oil drums being knocked over is shown in the corner.)
NC (vo): It's like barrels in an action movie; they're there to be destroyed!
(The vampires grab the woman and yank her food and her baby away.)
Woman: NO!
(But when one of the vampires holds up the baby, they discover that it's not a baby at all, but a doll with a message on its chest.)
Vampire: (reading message) "Fuck you"?
(The woman breaks free and throws off her hat and coat, then proceeds to give the vampires a good account of herself.)
NC (vo): Damn, the bird lady from Home Alone 2 cleans up nice. This is Abigail, played by Jessica Biel, who's doing a much better job protecting herself than Blade and Whistler, whose hideout is being broken into by police.
Man: Let's get your plane, Wilson. Time to take these cowboys down.
(Several FBI agents come in on a small boat by the pier where the hideout is.)
FBI agent: (speaking into walkie-talkie) Let's go, let's go, let's go!
NC: (scratches cheek) Hey, remember in the first film when they said...
(Cut to a clip of the first film.)
Dr. Karen Jenson (N'Bushe Wright): (to Whistler) I can go to the police.
Whistler: They own the police.
NC (vo): Remember what a creepy idea that was and it gave you the magnitude of how big this all is? They even had that one cop henchman who worked for them?
(Cut back to the third movie.)
NC (vo): Well, now they're just...schmucks. Like, if they owned the police, why did they need to frame him? Just send the cops to begin with. It's like killing off Whistler just to bring him back just to kill him off again!
(As the police close in on him, Whistler is just barely clinging to life as he holds up a timer of some kind.)
NC (vo): Huh, clip's a little delayed on this one...
(But then the timer reaches zero, and it turns out to be a time bomb which blows up Blade's hideout.)
NC (vo): There we go.
NC: (angrily shaking his arms around) ANGRY REACTION!
NC (vo): Yes, Whistler blows himself up rather than be taken prisoner.
NC: And you do have to ask the question: "How is Blade gonna react to that?"
(Cut to a clip of the first movie, showing Whistler's death scene there.)
NC (vo): Because we've already seen this in the first film. He was paralyzed with grief, and in the end, he couldn't even look at him, pull the trigger, before turning. It was a quiet, powerful moment.
NC: Obviously, they have to do something different the second time he dies, and...well, it is different. (nods)
(Blade leans over backwards awkwardly as he cries out in anguish over the loss of his friend and mentor. He then squats down inexplicably before drawing his sword and turning sharply to his side. NC covers his face while laughing.)
NC: I think we need a play-by-play of that.
(The scene replays while Beethoven's "Für Elise" plays in the background. An arrow points to his head, while another arrow, near his crotch, points outward.)
NC (vo): You'll notice he limbos and pelvic-thrusts, both at the same time, as if to say, "I hate your low-bar death. Now take my dick."
(The camera then zooms in on Blade's screaming mouth, with an arrow pointing to it.)
NC (vo): We then cut to an awkward green screen keying effect, in which we see a keyed Blade actually looks less three-dimensional than a Keyblade.
(As he says this, an image of a Keyblade from the Kingdom Hearts series is shown off to the side.)
NC: Next, he impressively lays an...
(As Blade squats down, a popping sound is heard. A drawing of an egg appears, with an arrow pointing down offscreen. A chicken clucking sound is heard briefly as this happens.)
NC (vo): ...egg off-camera. The crew thought he had a case of the squatting shits again, but he was just giving birth to poultry.
NC: And finally, it ends with his reaction every time somebody asks...
(Blade turns sharply with his sword drawn.)
NC (vo): ...if he was into Wong Fu. It's a shame the Academy didn't consider this for an award, but I'm sure Snipes would have preferred a ceremony people would watch.
(Blade is arrested and brought before Dr. Vance from earlier.)
Dr. Vance: Hello, Blade.
NC (vo): He's arrested and approached by the psychiatrist from the opening, who no doubt takes the murder of the hundreds of people that Blade killed very seriously.
Dr. Vance: I think somebody here wants to talk about vampires. (covers his face with his sleeve to act all mysterious) Vampires!
NC: You're the doctor everybody thinks about when they hear the President has to take a mental test before serving.
Dr. Vance: Tell me about blood. When you drink blood, you ever feel sexually aroused?
NC: (as Dr. Vance, holding up hand) Sorry, I was the doctor for Angelina Jolie; I have to ask everybody that now.
Dr. Vance: I'm starting to wonder what your relationship with your mother was like. The very sweet taste of saliva; delicious, physical intimacy.
NC: (visibly uncomfortable) Mr. Goyer, did your doctor's therapy notes work their way into this somehow?
NC (vo): It turns out the psychiatrist is working for the vampires, as the Parker Posey posse arrives to take him away.
(A group of vampires, posing as hospital orderlies, arrive at the police compound. Having been granted access by the desk sergeant, the vampires, led by Danica Talos (Posey), enter Blade's room.)
Danica: (whispering to Blade) We moved the humans around. We used them...to flush you out.
NC: I have to admit, she might be my favorite part of the movie.
NC (vo): As she looks like (Images of Stephen Dorff and Brad Dourif's heads on popsicle sticks are shown.) popsicles of Stephen Dorff and Brad Dourif melted onto the face of (Another image is added...) a Monster High doll.
(A montage of scenes with Danica is shown.)
Danica: I should've ripped his ripped his bleeding heart out when I had the chance! / HANNIBAL KING!!! / We had Blade. WE HAD HIM! (kicks one of her fellow vampires in the side of the head)
NC (vo): If her job is to suck the blood of the scenery, she's the human equivalent of the sound effect... (The sound of someone sucking a liquid out of a cup through a straw is heard.)
(In the movie, the glass in the window of Blade's room suddenly shatters inward as a newcomer vaults in through it.)
NC (vo): But the party is crashed by... (The newcomer has a "Hello, My Name Is" nametag on it, whose name NC reads...) "Fuck You"*?!
- NOTE: Actually, it's Hannibal King, the narrator at the beginning.
NC: ...which I think is the perfect way to sum up this film in the series...
(As he says this, the posters for the trilogy are shown, with the first two movies being labeled "Good" and the third labeled as "Party Crashed by Fuck You".)
NC (vo): ...who's played by Ryan Reynolds. He rescues Blade and gets him back on his feet. Abigail joins him as well and reveals herself to be Whistler's daughter.
(As Blade, King and Abigail flee down the hall, they encounter several uniformed officers, with whom they do battle. All the while, the lights in the hall flicker.)
NC: Yeah, I think I see why (moves index finger back and forth) they're flickering the lights here.
NC (vo): If you take out the sound effects, it does not look like they're hitting these people that hard, if at all.
(As the scene continues, the sounds of punching are heard, all sounding rather cartoonish. As the fugitives engage in hand-to-hand combat with the officers, one of them tries to tackle Blade, football style.)
NC: Strange to replace the martial arts with...
NC (vo): ...flashlight tag football.
(King and Abigail run outside, but stop when several police cars pull up in front of them.)
NC (vo): Uh, keep running, keep running, keep running, keep running, keep running...
King: We're fucked.
NC (vo): Well, yeah.
NC: ...you are now, dumbasses!
NC (vo): Blade rescues his rescuers, and they catch a ride out of there.
(As the fugitives flee in a car, Abigail fires her crossbow at a pursuing, particularly overweight cop. It hits him and splatters blood and guts everywhere.)
NC: (worried) No! He was just on his way to his (holds up four fingers) fourth H!
(And we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes.)
NC (vo): So, Blade is introduced to the Nightstalkers, which sounds like... (sighs) Help me out here...
Blade: Sounds like rejects from a Saturday morning cartoon.
NC: (holds up index finger) A guy who hunts vampires said that. Think it over.
NC (vo): Ever wonder what the male equivalent of "side boob" is?
(King reaches for his collar, pulling it down to reveal a telltale mass of scar tissue in the shape of a bite mark, which has been censored by NC, with an image of Deadpool covering it.)
King: I used to be one.
NC: Of course Ryan Reynolds discovered it.
NC (vo): Speaking of which, he gives the lowdown about what they're up against.
(On the computer, King brings up a rather blurry image of Danica for Blade.)
King: Her name is Danica Talos. And unlike typical vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina. (Blade stares, nonplussed. King also stares awkwardly.) ...Moving on.
NC: (his head resting on his hand) Reynolds might be the only (A shot of Deadpool is shown in the corner.) dweeb-turned-superhero (Shots of Reynolds in other roles, all fan-made.) while he was a superhero.
NC (vo): If he's supposed to be the cool one, who's supposed to be the geeky one?
(That would be Hedges, played by Patton Oswalt.)
Hedges: Oh, uh, holy shit. Um...gentlemen – and hottie...
NC: I too wish (?) was picked for this role.
King: (to Hedges) Have you ever been laid?
Hedges: Many times. With ladies. (Blade stares.)
NC: (as Hedges) Not that there's anything wrong with being laid by a man. (normal) You know, it's ironic.
NC (vo): This Patton Oswalt...
NC: ...would probably be called out by...
(As we cut back to Hedges, a shot of a much older Oswalt doing standup comedy is briefly shown off to the side.)
NC (vo): ...current Patton Oswalt. Meanwhile, we see the vampires are seeking to destroy Blade by calling on the help of the risen Dracula, played by Dominic Purcell, whose powers include moving at the speed of a living statue.
Drake (Purcell): You're nothing but shadows of your former selves. Look how far you've fallen.
NC: Now, if you've seen this guy on shows like (An image of the following is shown in the corner...) Prison Break, you know he's a really good actor.
(Clips of the movie showing Purcell as Drake are shown.)
NC (vo): But casting him as Dracula, the vampire lord of darkness, is an impressive miscast, to say the least. I get what they're going for, like the ultimate lethal specimen so he'd be really big and strong, but...look at him. He's not the ultimate vampire, he's the ultimate vampire henchman.
(A shot of all the various versions of Dracula are shown, including Drake.)
NC (vo): If you saw him in a lineup of Draculas, you'd think he'd be the one bodyguarding these guys.
(Cut back to the movie, as Drake enters a store to find all manner of Dracula-themed merchandise, from lunchboxes to plastic fangs to even bobbleheads. He is incredulous to learn that how contrasted he stands to the mass-marketed caricature on display before him.)
NC (vo): With that said, he does get a funny scene when he observes how people see him years later.
(Struggling to contain his outrage at what a mockery the world has made him, Drake enters the store and spots a goth female cashier.)
Cashier: We've got Dracula lunchboxes, bobbleheads, (takes a vampire-themed vibrator) even vampire vibrators.
(She then reaches into a small fridge behind the counter and takes out a bottle of something inside...)
Cashier: "Dracola". Makes you want to cry, doesn't it?
NC: Agreed. You came up with "Dracola", but not "Dickula" for the vibrator?
(A message pops up, reading: "Also Would've Accepted: 'Dracucock', 'Dickulick', 'Peckerla, and 'Once You Go Blackula You Don't Go Backula'." In the movie, Drake spots something else: a box of Count Chocula cereal.)
NC (vo): Boy, they really wanted to emphasize the "Count" part over the chocolate element back then, didn't they?
(Finally, unable to contain the concept that no one takes Dracula seriously anymore, Drake snaps and attacks the goth cashier, who screams as he bites down on her neck and drinks her blood. She screams louder than ever.)
NC: (as the cashier) It's okay! Everybody will look at you differently (The "Dark Universe" logo appears in the corner.) once the Dark Universe gets rolling!
NC (vo): Blade helps the Nightstalkers try to locate Dracula, while also helping speak to a younger, hipper crowd.
(As the Nightstalkers drive off in King's car, he notices Abigail sitting in the back. She has a laptop on her knees and is assembling an MP3 playlist.)
King: She likes to listen to MP3s when she hunts. Her own internal soundtrack, you know? Dark-core, trip hop, whatever kids these days are listening to.
NC (vo): Yeah...
NC: ...if there's a problem we had with Blade... (holds up hand) not cool enough.
(As Blade's team dangles a familiar over the edge of a building while interrogating him about who he answers to, the familiar's cell phone rings.)
NC (vo): I mean, come on, there's no better way to end an interrogation when your victim's phone rings like this.
(Blade takes the phone and looks at who's calling on the phone. It's Dr. Vance. Blade hands the phone back to the familiar.)
Blade: It's for you.
Familiar: (answering phone) Hello?
(Blade then lets go of the familiar and he falls, screaming, to his death while Blade, King and Abigail walk off.)
NC: Replace that man with the old (The guy in the "Can you hear me now?" commercial from Verzion appears in the corner.) "Can you hear me now?" guy, and I'd be happy.
(The vampire hunters confront Dr. Vance in his office, only to discover that it's actually a transformed Drake, who shoves the desk at the hunters before taking off.)
NC (vo): They locate...Neh...for round two, but he runs away, because, you know, he's the most powerful vampire.
(Blade chases Drake on foot through the city. The chase leads to an apartment building, where Blade runs into a terrified young mother.)
Mother: (screaming) HE TOOK MY BABY!!
(Blade looks up to see the window shattered, no doubt indicating the path Drake took. Blade pursues Drake to the top of the building, Drake holding the baby in his arms and standing on the ledge of the building.)
NC (vo): He kidnaps a baby, though, forcing him and Blade to chat.
(From on the ledge, Drake glances down at the street to see people walking about.)
Drake: Look at them down there, scurrying around like insects.
NC: (confused) Wrong Lugosi roll you're imitating, but I'm curious to see where this goes. (nods)
(Drake tosses the baby to Blade, who catches it.)
NC (vo): I think this line was written just to see if Snipes would say it...
(As Blade cradles the crying baby in his arms, he glances down at it.)
Blade: Koochy-koo.
NC: (nods) Of course he would.
NC (vo): It's been about an hour in the film since Whislter died. Maybe his daughter should have some kind of reaction to it.
(Upon seeing her dead father, Abigail sadly sits in a fetal position in a shower as it runs over her head.)
NC: Guess that's it! Back to...
NC (vo): ...Reynolds not being funny!
King: (to Blade) ...say we wipe out all the vampires? What then, huh? I don't picture you teaching karate at the local Y. (Blade leaves as King turns to Abigail.) He hates me, doesn't he?
NC: Everybody does. (An image of Deadpool appears at the bottom of the screen.) Twelve more years, it'll be worth it.
NC (vo): Later, Blade and Abigail confront one of the FBI agents at a vampire location. Did I mention yet that Snipes has all the best scenes?
(As Abigail holds the FBI agent at gunpoint, Blade walks up to him.)
Blade: What's behind door number one?
FBI agent: They'll kill me.
Blade: Kill you? (grabs agent) Motherfucker, I'll kill you! I'll just enjoy it better.
NC: Why do I get the feeling they always allowed (holds up index finger) one take for him to do whatever he wants?
(Then Abigail makes a horrific discovery: the vampires' plans for human subjugation, in the form of "blood farms", where brain dead humans are drained of their blood for vampire consumption.)
Abigail: (hushed) God in Heaven...
NC (vo; also hushed): So that's where Chicken McNuggets come from. After seeing how hot dogs are made, the Nightstalkers' hideout is broken into by Dracula, who kills everyone.
(As Drake confronts one of the Nightstalkers, we cut outside the headquarters as she screams. Then we cut back inside to see one of the younger members, the daughter of one Nightstalker, trying to hide from Drake.)
NC (vo; as this girl): I guess I could act, but I don't wanna.
(It's no use, as Drake discovers the girl's hiding place and takes her away. Everyone else is dead.)
NC (vo): He takes the daughter of one of the members, and Abigail discovers her dead teammates. Yeah, her father dying wasn't a big deal, but this lady you never shared a line with? Pull out Niagara Falls for that, man!
(Upon seeing a female member dead, propped up like a crucifixion, Abigail hugs her and breaks down, crying hysterically. Blade appears behind her.)
NC: Blade's bedtime manner once again? (makes an "okay" sign with his fingers) Flawless. (nods)
(As Abigail cries, Blade stares.)
Blade: Use it. Use it.
(Abigail pays no attention as she continues to cry.)
Blade: (firmly) USE IT.
NC: D'aww, he would've been a great dad.
(Cut to the outside of a house.)
Child: (inside house) Daddy, I had a nightmare!
(After a pause, we hear the sound of a slap, presumably by the father to the child. Then we cut back to the movie.)
NC (vo): Well, how do you follow up this apparently emotional moment?
(By showing a dog being held up by a vampire to a captive King, who is chained up. The dog growls at King, its jaws open, revealing more teeth than any dog should probably have. Its muzzle splits in two as both sides of the dog's mandible fold back on either side of its head, disgorging hellish and barbed tongue stalk!)
King: Jesus! (points at dog) WHAT THE FUCK?!
(The vampire holding the dog laughs.)
NC: (shakes head) You know films aren't buffets, right? You don't just grab random moments to put on your plate.
NC (vo): Give Reynolds credit; this is the one good laugh he has in the movie.
(Several other vampires appear as well, including Danica.)
King: Clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
(One vampire kicks King in the head, knocking him back.)
King: OW!! (gestures toward Danica) I was talking to her!
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, showing Larry David and Ted Danson drinking water.)
Larry David: Pretty good.
Ted Danson: Pretty, pretty good.
(Cut back to Blade: Trinity.)
NC (vo): Of course, it is followed by this weird line...
Danica: And how about everyone here not saying the word "dick" anymore? It provokes my envy.
(NC opens his mouth to speak, but stops awkwardly as he can't think of something to say.)
NC: I don't even know what joke to put to them. Moving on...
NC (vo): They grab the serum that apparently can kill Dracula, 'cause it's always a serum, isn't it? And they head off to save Reynolds.
(As the vampires go after the heroes, they take some vampires out with silver stakes, which burn the vampires away. Blade and Abigail then engage other vampires in hand-to-hand combat.)
NC: Not gonna lie: I kinda thought the henchmen would be a little less...
(As the heroes invade the vampires' turf, the vampires sound the alarm. A whole army of vampires and human familiars all come out of various rooms of the building and run down the stairs at once.)
NC (vo): ...WeWork employees. (as random vampires and familiars) I have a startup. I have a startup. I have a startup. I have a startup. I have a startup. I have a startup.
(It's not shown in the review, but Abigail finds the kidnapped little girl and rescues her. What is shown is Drake confronting Blade on the top floor of the building, sword in hand.)
Drake: Ready to die?
Blade: I was born ready, motherfucker.
Drake: Motherfucker... I like that.
NC: (as Drake) We're in Vancouver; everybody was too polite to talk that way.
NC (vo): Blade battles Dracula, but I'm not gonna lie: Ryan Reynolds battling Triple H? A little cooler.
(As King battles this vampire, he picks him and slams him into a wall.)
NC (vo; as Reynolds): This is just how me and Sandra Bullock rehearse for The Proposal.
(As we cut back to Blade and Drake's battle, the latter turns into a giant red, horned vampire monster with weird mandible-like jaws.)
NC (vo): He transforms into...I don't know, Darth Maul's hemorrhoid? But the serum is injected into him, killing him off. The FBI break in and find Blade unconscious, and they try to operate on him, as he was infected by the serum, too.
NC: And I'll just say it: I don't follow this ending.
(Blade (or rather, a transformed Drake, who survived) comes to and starts attacking everyone.)
NC (vo): He attacks everyone, looks at this doctor like he's going to kill her...and then it cuts.
NC: Reynolds' ending narration tries – the keyword being "tries" – to explain.
(A view of the nighttime city is shown, revealed to be reflected in the lenses of Blade's shades.)
King: (narrating) And Blade? The virus didn't kill him. And so, he slept, waiting for the moment when he could walk the Earth again.
(Cut to a clip of Mars Attacks.)
General Decker (Rod Steiger): What the hell does that mean?
NC: Yeah, no shit. (takes out cell phone and types on it) I've never done this before, but I'm actually gonna look up what happened, because I'm so confused! (looks closely at what he finds, then rolls head around in exasperation) Okay, so...
NC (vo): ...Dracula shapeshifted into Blade and was taken to the hospital, where he killed everybody. Blade woke up out of a coma some time later and now continues to search for him.
NC: Okay, not only is that lame, it's confusingly lame.
(As a snippet of the scene replays, a clip of an episode of The Itchy & Scratchy Show (from The Simpsons) featuring Poochy is shown in the corner.)
NC (vo): I think Poochy had a more detailed epilogue than that.
(That's the end of the movie, apparently, as we then cut to the end credits.)
NC (vo): That's it? That's really the note you're ending these films on?
NC: (shakes head in frustration and shrugs) Okay! That was Blade: Trinity! It was... (pauses awkwardly) pretty weak.
(Footage of the movie plays out one last time as NC gives his closing thoughts on it.)
NC (vo): There's an occasional cool moment or good laugh, but compared to the other two... Hell, just compare it to action movies in general! ...it's just dull. All of these actors are mad-talented and can bring a lot to a film like this, but whether it's the writing, editing, directing, or production notes, it never gets off the ground. The characters have no chemistry with each other. Hell, some have no lines with each other. Everything you're supposed to care about is minimized. It looks ugly as shit. It's just not impressive. I keep hearing Marvel is going to reboot this franchise, and a part of me does kind of feel bad, because the first two are so unique and a lot of fun. But I guess if future movies in this series was [sic] gonna be like this, it's a damn good time to start over.
(NC then hears his doorbell ringing.)
NC: Speaking of reboots, I think they just dropped off the next film I'm supposed to review.
(He gets up and walks out of his room. In the living room, he has found an envelope. He opens it and takes out a Blu-Ray. He looks at it closely. It's...the 2020 remake of Mulan?! NC screams, throws his body out/in, squats down, and looks around shiftily, all as Blade did in this movie.)
Channel Awesome Tagline – Blade: Koochy-koo. (as the baby cries)
(The credits roll)