May 3, 2016
Tamara: All right, with the recent popularity of Blade and your recent disappointment with...Steel...
Malcolm: I really thought Shaquille O'Neal was going to be the next Mark Wahlberg.
Tamara: It just makes sense to discuss who'll get what going forward.
Doug: Yeah, that dark stuff with Blade worked pretty well. We're gonna try some of that.
Jim: Nope. Our next seven movies are gonna be cashing in on the dark stuff, destined to all be hits.
Malcolm: But all we got is lighthearted crap coming up!
Tamara: Well, that's why you have the Caped Crusader.
Doug: After Batman & Robin!?
Malcolm: Nobody's gonna want to see another Batman movie in years!
Tamara: Hey, we're switching it up, too. We got a colorful and corny Spider-Man movie coming up from the director of Evil Dead.
(The projector now shows a shot of Spider-Man and Green Goblin in Spider-Man 1. "SPIDERMAN. It's, uh...MEANT to be silly")
Jim: Yeah, it's not probably gonna break any records, but it should be a huge hit with the kids.
Doug: Fine, I guess we'll do another Batman movie even though there's no money in it.
Malcolm: Christ, years from now, everyone's gonna associate Marvel with dark and gritty and DC with bright and playful.
Tamara: Well, then, there should be no problem signing this television contract.
(Jim puts out a contract)
Malcolm: Wait, this is affecting our shows, too?
Tamara: Oh, yes.
Jim: See, all of your TV series will be upbeat and positive while all of ours are going to be depressing and harsh. They'll make you wanna kill yourself.
(DC's shows in this case being Supergirl, The Flash and Arrow while Marvel's shows are Jessica Jones, Blade: The Series and Daredevil 2015)
Doug: But what if we end up completely misunderstanding our audiences and we end up doing the exact opposite?
Tamara: It's okay. Our animation departments will fill in the blanks. We'll keep ours goofy and harmless while you keep yours complex and intriguing. With some exceptions.
(Marvel's side has Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H., Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers Assemble. DC has Batman: The Animated Series, Superman: The Animated Series, Justice League and Young Justice. The exception is Teen Titans Go!)
Malcolm: But what if somehow DC's material for children ends up doing more adult work than our material for adults?
(Tamara, Jim and even Doug laugh at the idea!)
Doug: Yeah, and they're gonna do a cartoon version of The Killing Joke with a hard R rating.
Tamara: That was bizarrely specific.
Doug: Yeah. So, anything else?
Jim: One more thing. Are you sure you don't want any of your shows to be tied to this new Netflix format that's getting a lot of buzz?
Doug: Yeah, like, anything's gonna kill cable. No, you guys can handle that.
Malcolm: Besides, we don't wanna be known as those guys that always copied Marvel.
Tamara: That is a very valid point. So anything else?
Jim: Yeah, what are our plans in terms of comics?
Doug: Pfft, who gives a shit?
(And we come to the opening!)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Comic book movies have had a lot of ups and downs over the years.
NC (vo): Sometimes, they're on top of the world, and sometimes, they were Daredevil. But when comic book films were seen at their most unpopular, one little kick-ass movie came along and said, "Hey, not only am I gonna be awesome, but people are gonna completely overlook me when they say Deadpool was the first R rated comic book flick. (Posters of Dredd, Sin City, The Crow, Kick-Ass, Watchmen and 300 pop up) How do you sleep at night, Internet? How do you sleep at night?
NC: I'm, of course, talking about the late 90s hit, Blade.
(The logo for the film is shown, before showing clips)
NC (vo): When people talk about influence in recent comic book films, they usually go to (posters of) The Dark Knight or Avengers. But many forget this did play a big part in not only getting popularity back to the genre, but also creating a ton of tropes still used in comic book movies today. Written by David S. Goyer and directed by Stephen Norrington...
NC: (Posters for Batman v Superman, which was written by Goyer, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which was directed by Norrington) Two people you thought were gonna be comic book gods...
NC (vo): ...managed to turn out a movie pretty cool and badass while also being about as 90s as a commercial where "kids rule!" (Picture from Clarissa Explains It All) Does the classic coolness overrule the dated silliness?
NC: Well, let's see if this vampire spectacle sucks in a good way or bad way. This is Blade.
(The movie starts, showing Blade being born to a mother being bitten by a vampire, before showing its opening credits and shots of the city of Los Angels being shown in fast-motion)
NC (vo): We open up with Blade's birth, seeing his mother slowly bleed to death. Always a pleasant start. The credits roll as you can tell already this movie has a bad case of the 90s simply by its sped up footage.
NC: It was a simpler time when we were so blown away by the fast-forward button. (A clip of a Spice Girls video appears in the corner)
NC (vo): We see a woman driving her date to apparently a hot night club.
Man: So where are we going?
Woman: It's a surprise, baby.
Man: Yeah, I like surprises. Yeah.
NC: I'm just here to die or be saved. Character tool all the way! (A caption of "CHARACTER TOOL" appears while NC raises the roof)
NC (vo): They enter a club playing music that sounds like your Atari's trying to throw a rave... (Said music plays while a shot of Q*Bert is shown skipping to the music) ...when we come across an effect even better than speeding up the footage...speeding up the footage with a white flash.
(Several shots of Mercury are shown along with those white flashes)
NC: Whoa! Our 90s minds can't handle this!
NC (vo): You're blowing us away with what we hit our computers for doing today! (The man from before notices blood dripping from the ceiling) But our midnight snack is about to get a surprise when he finds he's stumbled into a literal bloodbath.
(Sprinklers on the roof activate, releasing blood instead of water, and all the dance patrons, all vampires, start drinking the blood, much to the man's horror)
Man: No! No!
NC (vo): I guess this is supposed to be scary, but nowadays, you'd probably just see this at any goth club.
NC: Dude, the blood is supposed to rain at 4. Right now, you're supposed to be dangling the rubber gimps. (A picture of a man in a gimp suit is shown)
NC (vo): He finds all of them have vampire fangs...again, a usual non-scary occurrence at a goth club, when he comes across his knight in shining leather, Blade, played by Wesley Snipes.
(Clip from Demolition Man is shown)
John Spartan: Phoenix!
Vampire: It's Blade! It's the Daywalker!
NC (vo): The vampires try their hardest to wave their fingers at him, but it doesn't work as he partakes in some pretty kick-ass fight scenes here.
(Blade proceeds to fight whatever vampires have gotten in his way, including staking one through the head into the ceiling)
NC: Damn, I'm possessed. Well, I can play the accordion, too!
(One vampire screams and twirls swords around, only to end up getting shot down by Blade)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, gun. That usually wins over swinging hooks.
(Blade continues to kill more vampires whose bodies disintegrate every time they die)
NC (vo): Even though their rotting remains are about as real as the rotting remains from a (clip from Spider Man 1) pumpkin bomb, these fight sequences are filled with the most awesome of implausibility.
(Blade tosses a bladed boomerang that comes back to him. The next shot reveals the three vampires that cornered him disintegrating. A clip from Robot Chicken is shown)
Luke Skywalker: That's...very unlikely.
(Blade shoots a stake out to pin Quinn's right shoulder to the wall)
NC (vo; as Blade): There, I give you footage for like 50 trailers.
(He stakes Quinn's right hand to the wall, then fist pumps)
NC: You know, for a character that's badass, that was a pretty dorky move.
NC (vo): You now join the ranks that (pictures of) Kevin McCallister, Data, and that weird baby meme have made timelessly awkward.
NC: I'm just going to assume you haven't seen the past 20 years of white media.
Blade: Getting a little tired of chopping you up. Thought I might try fire.
(Quinn is left to burn while he's staked to the wall. The man from before tries to run and gets stopped by Blade who checks his neck to make sure he's not bitten)
NC (vo): He sets him on fire while also saving the story pawn, as our extra crispy vampire is sent to the hospital. Here, Dr. Karen Jenson, played by N'Bushe Wright, is looking him over with another doctor she used to date.
Curtis: You ever have second thoughts about us?
Karen: Sometimes. But then I remember how much of an asshole you were.
Curtis: I'm trying. Really, I am.
Karen: It's over.
(Quinn's charred body gets up and bites into Curtis's neck)
NC: Well, that character backstory seemed really necessary.
NC (vo; as Curtis): I still think we can work. No, really, there must be a reason for that romantic interest. It seemed completely pointless!
(Quinn sinks his fangs into Karen's neck, only to get punched in the face by Blade)
Blade: I came back to finish you off.
(Blade punches Quinn again)
NC: Yyyeah, this brings up a continuing question about the film.
NC (vo): Blade, several times, is given opportunities to kill off this character, Quinn, but he doesn't, resulting in tons of people either getting killed or maimed. Like over and over and over. Why does he have such a hard time killing this guy off?
(NC is writing into a diary with Blade's sunglasses on)
NC: (as Blade) Dear Diary, I almost killed Quinn off this time. But when I looked into his dreamy eyes, I knew. (A harp plays as a picture of Quinn appears) I was a Quinn girl forever.
NC (vo): Blade is about to let the doctor die when his damned Oedipus complex kicks in, reminding him of his dying mother and he takes her to his hideout. There, we come across world-renowned Planet of the Apes star Kris Kristofferson, playing Whistler, who tries to heal her bite marks with garlic.
(Whistler injects garlic into Karen's neck, making her body arch out in pain)
Whistler: Hold her.
(Blade puts his hand on Karen's stomach)
NC (vo): Thanks, that'll help a lot.
NC: I'll call you when an earthworm needs restraining.
(We are shown a council of vampires each confronting the film's villain, Deacon Frost)
NC (vo): We're introduced to our Shadowy Room of Evil Business Suits because...(Clip of the World Security Council from The Avengers) Marvel will always love this cliche, and they bring in their evilest vampire who can never get a shirt that fits, Deacon Frost, played by Stephen Dorff. This guy's a lot of fun. Just imagine all of (picture of) Edward Norton's nyeh faces had a son, and he only listened to (The) Prodigy.
Frost: Maybe it's time we forgot about discretion. We should be ruling the humans, or maybe I'm just the first to say out loud what we've all been thinking.
NC (vo; as Frost): I propose a movement where we dress like we don't care how we look when really it's the most important thing to us. I call it "The Hipster Effect."
Dragonetti: Do we have any other business to discuss?
Frost: Gitano, you may wake up one day and find yourself extinct.
NC (vo; as a council vampire): Really? We're just gonna let him get away with that?
NC: You know, for a guy who does things we don't like, we sure do let him do things that we don't like.
(Back at Blade's hideout, Karen awakens and witnesses Whistler and Blade interacting with each other)
NC (vo): The good doctor wakes up and seems to be doing better, as she sees what Blade has to go through in order to survive.
(Whistler injects blood into Blade's neck, then holds onto him while he suffers through it)
NC (vo): Oh, he just read the script to Blade: Trinity. I'd be holding his hand, too. Whistler tells Karen exactly what they're fighting against.
Whistler: You gotta understand, they're everywhere. Vampires. The Hominus Nocturna.
NC: ...That means vampires. (shrugs in confusion)
(Dragonetti discovers Frost sitting down in the library, listening to his headphones)
NC (vo): But it seems Frost is doing research into the vampire archives, pissing off the Council even more.
Frost: We're in a library. You don't need to shout.
(Dragonetti slaps him hard across the face)
Dragonetti: What are you up to, Frost?
NC: (as Dragonetti) Tell me or next time I'll actually hit you.
(The scene is slowed down to show Dragonetti's hand doesn't even hit Frost's face)
Frost: What are you gonna do? Hm?
NC (vo; as Frost): I don't need this. I'm only here because Chris Pine hasn't been invented yet.
Dragonetti: You bore me.
NC: Well, you wouldn't be the first.
NC (vo): So, after trying to figure out if a freaking newspaper building blew up in town--(clips of scenes showing paper flying all around to show it's windy) seriously--Karen is told not to trust anybody when she's suddenly approached by a cop in her apartment.
(In her apartment, Karen is confronted by a cop named Krieger)
Krieger: Police officer. I didn't mean to scare you. The front door was open.
Karen: What are you doing in here?
Krieger: I'm just here on a routine check.
NC: (as Krieger) I heard you were black, so you're under arrest for something.
Krieger: You're dead, too, bitch! (Karen sprays him with garlic infused mace she got earlier from Blade) What is this? Garlic? (The next cut of him has Blade right behind him) Who said I was a vampire?
(Blade proceeds to knock him out)
NC (vo): Christ, I think Blade's whole goal in this movie is to leave at bad times and then come back just before things get worse.
(A cutout of Blade is next to NC)
Blade: Okay, I'm leaving. I'm really leaving this time.
(NC's about to speak until Blade leans back in. NC looks back and Blade leaves. Back to the movie. Karen and Blade find frozen blood packs in Krieger's squad car)
Karen: Hillburn Clinic.
Blade: So where are you taking it?
Krieger: I don't know what you're talking--
(Blade smacks Krieger's head onto the car)
NC (vo): Um, does nobody care that a guy with a sword is slamming a cop's head into a car?
NC: I mean, never forget (picture of "Fuck the Police" by...) NWA, but I think at least someone would at least raise an "Um..."
NC (vo): He escapes, though, causing Blade and Karen to follow him through Fast Forward Lane.
(Krieger drives his car through the city streets while calling for help. Several moments of this scene are shown in fast-motion)
Krieger: Get me Pearl! I got a delivery for Frost here and I just had a run-in with Blade! Gotta clear out that clinic on Hillburn now!
NC: Okay, if you wanna do pointless speedy footage, that's fine, but at least have them talk the way they're supposed to talk.
(The same scene is played, only with Krieger's voice made squeaky high)
NC (vo; as Krieger): Calling all cars, calling all cars. I just had a run-in with Blade! Send in all cars, horses, planes, that loop the loop! Me, I want a Hula-Hoop!
(Blade and Karen are making their way to a club that's also a vampire nest)
Blade: Vampire Anatomy 101: Crosses and running water don't do dick, so forget what you've seen in the movies. You use a stake, silver or sunlight.
NC: (as Blade) Yeah, forget all that stuff you've seen in the movies. (pictures of a cross and holy water) Concentrate on this stuff, like in the movies. (pictures of the sun, a wooden stake and a silver bullet)
NC (vo): So while the vampires sit around partying...watching Mortal Kombat... (An arrow points to the TV showing Reptile's transformation)
NC: Yeah, you vampires are gonna find a lot of blood in that movie.
NC (vo): ...the cop tells Frost of his run-in with Blade.
Krieger: Don't worry about it, it's no problem. We can still get the girl.
(Frost punishes him for his failure by biting into his neck and not only drinking his blood, but tearing his throat open)
NC (vo; as Krieger): Um, am I fired or is this a promotion? As a guy who wants to be a vampire, I genuinely don't know.
(During Frost and Mercury's bloody makeout session, the camera cuts to a bat figurine)
NC: In case you forgot, that bat means that they're vampires. Symbolism.
(Blade and Karen meet Pearl, the keeper of the Archives who's hideously obese)
NC (vo): Blade and Karen come across the person who keeps track of all the archives and... (Starts laughing at the sight of Pearl) Okay...
NC: Even for a movie about a guy who chases vampires, that's pretty silly.
(Karen shines a UV light on Pearl)
Pearl: (in Vampiric) La Magra is coming! The Spirits of the Twelve--
NC: (as Jabba the Hutt) Bring me Solo and the Wookiee.
NC (vo): Good thing he's not a woman, or else that would suddenly be indecent. (A CENSORED block appears on one of Pearl's nipples)
(A gang, led by Quinn, confront Blade and Karen at another room. Blade has a wire wrapped around his neck, holding him to the wall)
NC (vo): They get captured by Quinn and his gang, but it looks like Blade has backup.
(One of the walls blows up to reveal Whistler)
Whistler: Catch you fuckers at a bad time?
NC: As long as you don't have a copy of (Poster of) A Star Is Born, then no.
(Whistler fires into a group of vampire soldiers)
NC (vo): They escape into the subway that just happens to be connected to the vampire archives...
NC: Odd design work.
NC (vo): ...as they wait for the longest train ever to pass and then end up literally catching a ride.
(Mercury and several other vampires are closing in on Blade and Karen)
Karen: (realizing just what Blade's about to do) Oh, my God!
(Blade grabs onto the train as it passes by them getting dragged along, putting Karen down before climbing onto the platform as well. NC starts wondering if the scene falls under the scale of "STUPID" or "COOL" before settling on "COOL")
NC: Yeah, okay.
NC (vo): So Whistler reveals why Blade seems to have all the vampire strengths and few of their weaknesses.
Whistler: Blade's mother was attacked by a vampire while she was pregnant. She died, but he lived. He can withstand garlic, silver, even sunlight.
NC: (as Whistler) He also obtained an aversion to taxes as well. (normal) I'd like to point out I waited this long (he points to where a caption that says "13 minutes" appears) to make a tax joke, I think I did pretty well.
NC (vo): Karen consoles Blade during his all important wall watching while Frost and his goons apparently kidnap the leader of the vampires to kill him.
(Dragonetti is made to burn alive under the sunrise)
NC (vo): They should probably all fry up, but it's okay, because the other vampires have sunblock and helmets.
NC: Was (picture of) Marceline's sun hat not available?
NC (vo): Karen uses her doctor know-how to figure out how to make vampire heads explode...
(Karen tries out a potential vampire cure a blood sample, only to find it reacts violently to it, making the microscope explode)
NC (vo): ...when Whistler makes a discovery about her.
Whistler: You don't look so good.
NC: (as Whistler) I mean, the studio won't let you look bad, so this is what we count as not good.
Whistler: I guess we didn't catch it in time.
NC (vo): So it looks like she's still gonna turn into a vampire in a day or two, but that doesn't get in the way of a meeting between Blade and the now helmet-less Frost.
(Blade is shown confronting Frost in a busy street)
NC: So, wait a minute. If you have enough sunblock, the day doesn't bother you? 'Cause if so, being a vampire is literally a day at the beach.
Frost: Easy. (He grows a claw, threatening to kill the girl he has hostage) Wouldn't want our friend here to wind up on the back of a milk carton, now would we?
(Blade pulls his gun out to fire at Frost who dodges the bullets)
NC (vo): But Blade sees saving people as more of a secondary thing and tries to shoot Frost, causing him to toss the child.
(The girl is tossed across the park by Frost through a hot dog cart into the street)
NC (vo): Dead! (Blade rescues the girl just before she gets hit by a bus, yet the girl's perfectly okay) Oh, I mean, uh, no scratch on her whatsoever.
NC: She must be wearing a lot of sunblock, too.
Blade: Go home.
(The girl understandably runs the hell away)
NC (vo): What the hell do you think this guy (pointing to one of the people on the street) is talking about? (as man) I mean, I know we just saw a man fly into the street, save a kid and we're all just going to ignore it, but let me tell you about this cop (back to Krieger getting slammed into his car) who got his head smashed into a car that I ignored!
NC: (picture of) The City: We're Just Kinda There.
(And we go to commercial. We suddenly come to a mock commercial with Tamara at a drawing table)
Tamara: It's hard being an artist when you have headaches always popping up. (A clip of Doug and Jim looking at Tamara's work and shaking their heads is shown) It affects your work, so no one takes you seriously.
(A sword drops down to the floor as Malcolm comes in dressed as Blade)
Blade: That's just a sugar coated topping...that you can control. Try Davides-Goyer (pun on David S. Goyer). (He holds up a medical box. Tamara pops the pills down and throws it away, feeling like a new woman) Davides-Goyer seems effective at first, like the miracle you've always been looking for. But then on closer inspection, you realize it might not be as effective as you thought. (Tamara now has headaches again, looking at the box. On it are three big warnings: Directed Blade: Trinity, Produced Ghost Rider 2, Wrote Crow: City of Angels) Your denial will tell you it's doing a good job, but after a while, you can't ignore the pain it's causing. It's not as bad as it was before, (Tamara feels good for awhile) but it's still really bad. (Then she goes back to suffering. Doug and Jim are walking down the hall when they see the box) People will like your work at first because they see you have Goyer attached to it, but then they'll wake up and realize that most of it was dumb luck, surviving on the talent of others.
Doug: Everybody says the techniques were great, but the product was overall shit.
(Tamara walks by the office, only to get junk thrown at her. Tamara picks up a magazine showing an add for Capen-Merca C-Vilwor (pun on Captain America: Civil War))
Blade: You'll not only realize it did less than you thought, but is actually slowing you down compared to other successful medicines.
Tamara: At first, I thought it worked great, but now I see it's just a bigger placebo than Dumbo's magic feather.
(She gets hit by more junk thrown offscreen)
Blade: Experts agree: "It's not the WORST thing out there." "It did some good things, I think...though maybe that was other people." And "Come on...just...just COME ON!" Davides-Goyer. Sooner or later, you'll feel the pain. And don't forget to try Night Time Davides-Goyer. Oh Yes, It WILL Ruin the Sandman. (double pun: The Sandman, as in the mythical creature, and the Sandman comic book movie, being produced by Goyer)
(And we're back from commercial!)
NC (vo): So Karen discovers a cure for turning into a vampire off-screen. Yeah, they're surprisingly kinda laidback about it. But Frost also discovers Blade's hideout off-screen...
NC: You know, it's good to show and don't tell, but when you don't do neither, you have neither.
NC (vo): ...and tries to capture them.
(Karen aims for one of the vampires, only hitting the rails instead of the vampire)
NC: Stop aiming at the rails and maybe you'll hit something!
(Whistler gets clipped in the leg, then we cut to Blade coming home to the aftermath)
NC (vo): Blade comes home to see what happened as he gives one hell of an emotional, breathtaking, Oscar-caliber reaction to his fatherly mentor being destroyed.
(Whistler is a bloody mess, and all Blade does is give a groan of disgust)
NC: If only more blood-curdling moments in cinema had reactions like that.
(Clip of Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Darth Vader: I am your father.
Luke Skywalker: NOOOO!!
(Clip from Mad Max: Fury Road of Furiosa screaming out is shown)
(And we get a clip of Mufasa's death in The Lion King)
NC: That sucks.
NC (vo): Whistler still has a few breaths left in him, as he tells Blade where they took Karen.
Whistler: Frost is trying to figure out...
(Blade is trying to clean up Whistler's blood with a cotton swab)
NC (vo): Uh, yeah, that'll help him big time. I can see why you brought a doctor into your home.
Whistler: Gimme your gun. (Blade gives Whistler his gun) Now walk away.
(Blade walks away as Whistler shoots himself with the gun)
NC (vo; as Whistler): I'm gonna last long enough to be brought back in the sequel just to die again in another sequel.
NC: (as Whistler) It's a well-planned-out future that lies ahead for me.
NC (vo): So Blade once again breaks into Frost's headquarters. (One scene has him injecting the new serum into two vampires making them bloat up before they explode) He turns some vampires' heads into (picture of) Bob the Tomato.
NC: Or Bob the Ketchup.
(Blade enters a room where he sees a giant white case, which opens to reveal his mother Vanessa, alive and well)
NC (vo): But inside this giant Macintosh cigarette case lies a big secret.
NC (vo): Yep. Blade's mom is still alive and it turns out she's a vampire now, and on the side of Frost. You'd think someone would've used that bombshell a little earlier.
NC: (as Frost) Man, this Blade guy is ruining my plans and destroying my operation! (as Vanessa) Honey, what are you doing? (Frost) Oh, not now, mother of my enemy who he doesn't know is still alive and on my side. I have to figure out a way to get rid of Blade! (He has an epiphany) Wait a minute. I love Oreos!
(We get scenes of NC spliced into different parties while scarfing down bags of Oreo Minis)
NC (vo): But there's an even bigger twist to all this.
Frost: You spent your whole life looking for the vampire who bit your mother. Well, here I am.
(Frost tases Blade down)
NC: Well, it's a small, convoluted world after all.
(He gives up a goofy shrug as well as the word "COINCIDENCES" appears)
(Blade and Karen are shown tied up in a moving truck)
NC (vo): After capturing him, Karen reveals a secret about the cure she's created.
Karen: If it works, you'll lose your strength and your ability to regenerate. You'll be completely human.
NC: Huh. So the cure is totally freaking useless.
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong. I know she uses it on herself, but from a story perspective, what happens? She gets bitten, they say they didn't get to it in time, so she makes a cure. If you...just cut out them not getting to it in time, which adds nothing to the plot at all, the cure is entirely not needed.
NC: But it's okay, because if you love pointless drawn out moments, you're gonna love what's coming up next!
(As NC speaks, we are shown Frost planning to perform the summoning ritual for La Magra, the vampire blood god)
NC (vo): See, here's the setup. Frost needs to lay out 12 of the Vampire Council in this ancient temple with Blade's blood combining with them this one night, because through comic book mumbo jumbo, it'll make him a vampire god. Silly, but whatever. Sounds kinda fun, there's possibilities with it.
NC: The downside is, where it took me only a few seconds to say all that, it takes the movie ten minutes...
NC (vo): ...to do it. Yeah. They just kinda sit around, talk, laugh, talk, talk and laugh, laugh and talk. All I wanna see is the action, but it takes for-friggin-ever with detours.
NC: But I know what you're thinking. Through all of this, what ever happened to Karen's doctor friend? The one who got bitten? What, you weren't wondering that? Well, we're gonna spend...
(Karen is shown being confronted by a zombie version of Curtis)
NC (vo): ...a lot of time on it anyway. Because, hey, there's nothing better we can be doing and we know it's eating you up inside with curiosity.
NC: He's a zombie now. Yeah. You do the math on that one.
NC (vo): It's some sort of bullshit side effect that sometimes happens after being bitten. Sure, and (picture of Edward Cullen) vampires sparkle, too. But who cares about that, because who cares about all of this? It's literally just ten minutes of slow, boring filler, and it feels like an eternity.
Mercury: You're afraid we're gonna steal your soul? Your pureblood spirit? (NC is bored, drumming his head as he watches) You should be. Read the prophecy. It's time you fucks contributed something to the cause.
(NC rests his head from one hand to the other)
Council member: Even if Frost is right, you really think he cares about you? You're gonna die.
(Mercury kills the council member for that remark first by stabbing him with Blade's sword, then kicking it into the wall to shatter his skeleton)
NC: Well, I guess he wasn't needed for the ceremony. What, did they just bring him along because he looks like William Fitchner? (The council member is shown next to a picture of William Fitchner) Because, to be fair, every movie needs more William Fitchner.
NC (vo): After the ceremonial ripping open up the shirt...
NC: Very necessary.
NC (vo): ...Karen escapes and tells Blade to suck her blood to get his strength back, all while the temple is turned into a human plasma ball.
(The council members scream out in pain as their bodies are destroyed and their souls fly out)
NC: Of course! All vampire skeletons have...
NC (vo): ...tiny skeletons inside of them just trying to get out.
NC: With wings! (Becomes annoyed and starts pleading) How long do we have to wait again? (A caption pops up saying "Cool Stuff Returns in: 2 Minutes") Okay, okay, okay.
(After recovering, Blade kills his mother by stabbing her, before running off to confront the villains)
NC (vo): Blade does Freud proud by penetrating his mother with a long, hard bone...
(A picture of Sigmund Freud appears with a caption of "WOW!")
NC (vo): ...resulting in him finally jumping in to get revenge.
Quinn: I got two new hands, Blade. I don't know which one to use to kill you with!
(Blade takes out some silver wire and slices Quinn's head off as he charges. It launches Blade's sunglasses into the air which he catches)
NC: (as Blade) Well, doesn't matter what I do now. I am never topping that throughout the rest of the film.
(Blade then proceeds to fight through Frost's soldiers)
NC (vo): From here, it's all the cool stuff you wanted to see. Amazingly flippable guards, ripping out a guy's throat just to throw it at another guy, being launched in the air via nut kick. Even the stuff that's kind of stupid is really awesome, like how Karen continues to hit everything except what she's supposed to hit. This weird scene where they keep kicking the air for some reason.
(The soldier and Blade throw roundhouse kicks at each other, missing every time)
NC (vo; as Blade and the soldier): Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss.
(Blade sweeps low)
NC (vo; as Blade): Gotcha.
NC (vo; as the Soldier): Ow. That hurt.
(Karen sprays the garlic mace into Mercury's mouth which leads to her gagging before her head explodes)
NC (vo): And the fact that even though there's weapons that can clearly kill vampires, nobody ever thinks of using them on Blade. What do you got there? A plank of wood? Oh, yeah, that'll take him down. Ooh, a shovel. That has to be his undoing. Blade destroyed by deadly shovel.
NC: You guys really thought you'd be gods? You're using wood. Unless it's the (picture of) aliens from Signs, it's not gonna do much.
NC (vo): Oh, who cares? Because it's still kick-ass gory amazingness, all building up to the final boss.
(After defeating all of the vampires, Blade faces a now-powerful Frost)
Frost: Hey, Blade. Let's do this.
(The HUD for Ninja Gaiden appears as music from the game plays while Blade and Frost fight each other. Eventually, Blade slices Frost in half, only for his body to heal up due to having the power of La Magra)
NC (vo): But it looks like his blood is made from pizza cheese as well as some other cartoony extras.
Frost: My turn.
(Frost dashes across the screen with faster speed than normal even for a vampire as cartoon effects play, punching Blade across the temple while Woody Woodpecker laughs)
NC (vo; as Frost): Finally, the time has come for me to stop doing those stupid eBay commercials.
(Blade's sword is thrown up to a crack where his serum was thrown away)
NC (vo): But Blade finds the serum that makes vampires go boom and he unloads them on Frost, resulting in him saying his big finishing line.
Blade: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.
NC: (confused) That is a really weird note to go out on.
NC (vo): To this day, I can't figure out if that was really clever or one of the dumbest lines ever said by a comic book character.
NC: What do you think the other variations were?
(We are now shown some variations of Blade saying that line, all with NC dubbing over Blade)
NC (vo; as Blade): Some mothertruckers are always trying to put diesel in their SUVs. / Some peanut M&Ms are always trying to melt in your hand but not in your mouth. / Some sushi patrons are always trying to mix their soy sauce with wasabi. / Some fast food lovers are always ordering Little Caesars without the crazy bread. / Some vacationers are always trying to go to Disney World at peak times when it's obvious that mid-November through mid-December is the best time to go. I mean, seriously. Just bring a sweater and you'll be fine. And don't forget to take advantage of those hotel villages with free shuttle bus service. Full price for their monorail access resorts? I don't think so, Mouse!
(Blade kicks the last serum into Frost's forehead)
NC (vo): He kicks the last needle into his head, finishing him off.
(Frost bloats up violently before exploding into a gory mess)
NC: (as Tetsuo from Akira) KANEDAAAAAA!!!
NC (vo): Huh. So, I guess he can't put himself together after that. Being a god just means being slightly less destructible than you already were. Good to know that the ancient gods of old can't compete with head blow-y up science. So we all know the drill. Blade and Karen kiss in a romantic embrace, even though they have very little in common.
Karen: I need to get back to the lab.
Blade: It's not over. There's still a war going on, and I have a job to do.
NC: Uh, I don't think you know how this works. He's a dude, you're a chick. You have to end up together, even if you have no chemistry at all. It's like a law.
Blade: You want to help? Make me a better serum.
NC (vo): Wow, really? They don't get together? There is such a thing as a man and a woman working together in an action film and they don't have to hook up?
NC: Quickly, Tumblr! Rewrite this ending...
(Picture of Tumblr's front page with Blade Fanfiction on the search bar)
NC (vo): ...so that not only do they get together, but they have 20 children, all with different sexual identities.
NC: If 20 sexual identities don't exist, make them up! You're good at that.
(The film ends by showing Blade confronting a vampire in Moscow)
NC (vo): We travel to Moscow for really no reason except to get this cool shot, and we end with him hunting vampire ass once more.
NC: And that was Blade, an overlooked comic book staple, and...to be honest, still pretty damn cool.
(Footage of the movie plays once more as NC gets to his final thought)
NC (vo): Okay, the writing's not always good and there's a lot of 90s cheese, but there's just a style and creativity to it that still makes it really enjoyable. It's not too mopey that it can't be fun, but it's not too silly that it can't be serious. It's visually awesome, its characters are entertaining, and the action is still impressive and gets you sucked in. It got people saying comic book movies could be cool at a time when they were being seen as box office Pearl Harbors. This is one of the films that helped get movies like Dark Knight and Iron Man into the spotlight again. So if you want something that rarely makes sense but is still a pretty rocking good time, this is definitely one to take a look at.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and some Fruit By The Foots are always a few inches short.
(NC puts on some shades and leaves the scene as we go to credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Blade: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.