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Birdemic Part 1
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Released
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March 09, 2011
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Running time
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21:15
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Previous review
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Next review
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Link
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Video
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Phelous: I, uh... Exploding birds! [sputters] Exploding bird PICTURES! Birdemic!
[Intro]
Phelous: Okay, okay. Luckily the title screen's given me time to recompose myself because that doesn't happen during editing, it happens between takes. [clears throat] Anyway, Birdemic— [bursts into laughter]
Phelous (VO): Yeah, we're just gonna get into this. It starts with...
[Plays "ominous" orchestral music in the intro]
Phelous (VO): Music that really sets up...driving...? No, no it doesn't. Anyway, that fades out and we get to...
[awkward silence]
Phelous (VO): Um, hello? Movie?
[Same "ominous" orchestral music starts back up]
Phelous (VO): Oh, apparently we have to loop that incredible tune again 'cause we forgot to actually show the credits the first time. So after CONTINUING to show us what driving looks like...
["Ominous" orchestral music ends, only to loop a second time]
Phelous (VO): It loops AGAIN so it can CONTINUE to show us what driving looks like! Amazing. So after looping that tune two more times—not joking—we continue the excitement of seeing every single step of this guy walking from his car to this restaurant.
[Dubbed out-of-sync footsteps sound effect]
Phelous (VO): Which obviously needed to be dubbed with an out-of-sync walking-in-dirt sound effect 'cause walking-on-pavement sounds are so hard to come by.
Waitress: HI! [audio cuts in and out unnaturally]
Rod: Hi.
Waitress: Here is the menu.
Rod: Thank you.
Waitress: I'll be right back with you.
Phelous: [stunned silence] And I'll be right back with YOU. [leaves to laugh hysterically offscreen, then returns and sighs in disbelief] What the hell was that? This is already one of the worst examples of editing I've EVER SEEN!!!
Phelous (VO): I can understand maybe they didn't have the resources to go back and decently redub dialogue convincingly, but you don't just cut background noise like that! If there is something that needs removing, at least keep the noise consistent!
Waitress: HI! [audio cuts in and out unnaturally]
Phelous (VO): And was she even saying "hi" there, or was this the only take where she didn't burst out laughing after the extremely taxing line of "hi"?! And of course, these cuts look terrible. She looks like she's gonna leave, and then she's not moving, saying she'll be back!
Phelous: And seriously, this kind of terrible editing is littered throughout this thing, and considering how long I've been sitting here bitching at the first scene, I'm gonna have to let some of them go or I'm never gonna get through this!
[Scene of Rod glancing at Natalie, after which the audio cuts out again]
Phelous (VO): The sound cuts out AGAIN, signifying to our hero, Rod, it's time to start checking out the hot girl! [chuckles] Yes, very casual there, Rod. Actually it looks like Rod isn't our hero after all when the creepy staring turns into full-blown crazy killer stalking!
[Scene of Rod pursuing Natalie, overlaid with horror music not in the original film]
Rod: Excuse me, miss?
Natalie: Yes?
Phelous (VO): See? He even managed to magically catch up to her with slow walking.
[Horror music continues to play]
Rod: I don't mean to bother you.
Natalie: What?
Rod: I think I know you from somewhere.
Natalie: Really?
Rod: Yeah [...]
Phelous: [scoffs] Good. He's a smooth talker AND stalker.
[Horror music continues to play]
Rod: Yeah, so, uh... What do you do?
Natalie: Um, I'm a fashion model.
Rod: And a beautiful one too.
Natalie: Thanks. Well, uh, it was nice talking to you, but I should really get going. I've got an audition for a...modeling job.
Phelous: Way to go, Rod! You managed to creep her out in record time!
Phelous (VO): She takes off as Rod continues the creepster routine...and, uh, continues...and continues— Hello? Scene change?!
[Horror music continues to play]
Rod: Natalie!
Natalie: Oh...hi again.
Phelous: Well I guess they actually had to leave in that long walk-away scene so it actually made sense for Natalie to feel the need to say hello again.
Phelous (VO): Anyway, Mr. Cool continues to work his swing and manages to get her number somehow. And to make sure she'll never answer a call from him, stares at her every move into her car.
[Horror chase scene music plays]
News anchor: This morning, flocks of seagulls [...]
[Phelous mockingly sings the chorus of "And I Ran (So Far Away)" by A Flock of Seagulls]
News anchor: In other news today, the population of polar bears is declining rapidly due to the melting of sea ice in the Arctic. As the sea ice melts, the polar bears are forced to move farther north.
Phelous (VO): [sarcastically] Oh no. That might affect my Coca-Cola supply.
[Scene of Rod turning off his TV with his remote and walking away]
Phelous (VO): Oh, thank fuck they showed us that he did indeed turn his TV off before leaving the house.
[Upbeat orchestral "fantasy" theme plays]
Phelous (VO): And now apparently Rod's off to go on a magical adventure! [hushed tone] Also, don't forget, guys, cars run on gas!
[Orchestral "fantasy" theme continues]
Phelous: Really, guys? Did you pop in the wrong soundtrack here, or is driving really that much of a wonder to you?
[Orchestral "fantasy" theme continues to play as Rod opens a door to his workplace]
Phelous (VO): Wait a second, that bald guy was behind Rod. Did you cut out some of the precious walking?
Rod: I'll give you that and a fifty-percent discount. Can we close the deal today?
Phelous (VO): [as customer on the other line] "Well, I don't know. Could you say that again, phrased slightly differently?"
Rod: Can I place your order today?
Phelous (VO): [as customer on the other line] "Deal!"
Rod: Great, thanks! We appreciate your business! [ends call, then whoops in excitement]
Rick: Hey.
Phelous (VO): [as Rick] "Hey, why are you celebrating at the wall like it's a person? Probably would've made more sense if I'd just been in the room here with you to begin with, huh?"
Rod: Caught the big fish.
Rick: How big was the sale?
Rod: One million dollars.
Phelous (VO): You gave him a fifty-percent discount off a million dollars? Rod, you IDIOT! Next, we catch up with Natalie's big fashion shoot at the one-hour photo store. Jeez, where could she possibly go from here?
Receptionist: Victoria's Secret wants you to become their cover girl model.
Natalie: You're kidding!
Phelous: [scoffs] Yeah, natural progression there.
["Oh Phelous" ringtone plays]
Phelous: Oh, just a second, guys. [answers call] Hello? [scoffs] Yeah, sure, why not. [ends call] Oh, that was Hollywood. I've just been given a two-hundred-million-dollar budget to make a Resident Evil movie that DOESN'T suck.
Receptionist: Congratulations again. Okay, I'll talk to you soon.
Natalie: Okay. Alright, well... Okay, I'll talk to you later. Thank you again.
Phelous (VO): Yeah, she hung up a while ago. And wow, it's really some kind of accomplishment to fuck up a fade!
Phelous: Huh, are we fading into black or into the next scene? I can't decide! LET'S DO BOTH!
Phelous (VO): I don't know why we faded anyway as Wooden Rod here is calling her right after. Though, of course, first we need to see every step of him walking to his car, otherwise we'd be lost! And that goes for Natalie too! Every step before answering!
Rod: So how was your day?
Phelous (VO): [as Natalie] "Oh great, that creepy guy who stared another hole in my ass at the restaurant is not making random chitchat calls!"
Rod: I made a big sale today.
Natalie: Good, fantastic!
Rod: Thanks.
Phelous: Restraining order!
Natalie: I, uh, closed a big job offer today with Victoria's Secret.
Rod: Wow, congratulations. I think you'll look great in those lingerie.
Natalie: Thanks.
Phelous (VO): [as Natalie] "My fuck, why did I tell him that?!"
Rod: So, how about dinner to celebrate your success?
Natalie: Ah, that was fast.
Phelous: That was FAST?! What, are you used to a full hour of pointless conversation and awkward pauses before they get the balls to ask you out?
Rod: I know a good Vietnamese restaurant.
Phelous (VO): What?! Why would you randomly FADE during a scene?! And what the hell is "VET-namese"?
[Scene of Natalie and Rod ending their call]
Rod: Yes!
Phelous: Ooookaaaay... NEXT SCENE!!!
Rod: Let's call it a day. [beat] Met this girl, Natalie, over the weekend.
Rick: Good for you. She hot?
Rod: Yeah, fashion model.
Rick: Lucky you.
Rod: Yeah, we're going out this weekend.
[Star Wars audio clip "Look sir, Droids!" plays with the caption: "DAVID FELTH!!!"]
Rick: You know if that happens, we'll all be millionares.
Phelous: [scoffs] Someone editing with two VCRs could make better cuts than the ones in this movie! [fake jumpcut] Jeez, I'm not gonna make it through this!
[Panning shot of Rod and Rick where audio cuts out again]
Phelous: MOTHER FUCK!! 'Cause it was SO important that you keep that scene running with them fuckin' STANDING there doing NOTHING, that it even needed that part on the end where AGAIN you cut all sound!!!
News anchor: Dubbed the "Saint Martin wildfire", currently there is zero percent containment of this fire. However, firefighters are hopeful that within the coming days, the weather will become more favorable and help them to extinguish the Saint Martin wildfire.
Phelous (VO): Wow, so you're saying they're doing nothing to contain the fire and just hope it'll go out on its own? Clearly, they're the BEST!
News anchor: And the drivers will be Hollywood celebrities.
[Highlight circle added by Phelous pointing to the Getty Images logo watermark on the footage]
Phelous (VO): Oh, cool. It's awkward silence news. Well, if it's on TV as well, I guess it's not that strange that it keeps happening in this movie. Anyway, Wooden Rod gets a visit about installing solar panels in his house, which he's really bored about...or really interested in; it's kinda hard to tell with him. And of course, this scene ends with another horrible cut which didn't even need to be included.
[Cuts to scene at "The T&K Food Market" with Oriental music]
Rod: Hi, Natalie!
Phelous (VO): Oh yeah, no doubt Rod did have to point himself out there, or else he'd likely have blended into the background. ANd after giving him an I-barely-want-to-touch-you hug, we see an extremely long inconsistent pan of this painting. And oh man, my surprise knows no bounds when they don't even fucking walk into that shot! No, it fades into ANOTHER establishing shot of people eating, and they don't even walk into that one either! It just fades AGAIN into them eating!
[Oriental music continues to play as Rod and Natalie have a conversation the audience cannot hear]
Phelous: And this time having a conversation so good that even this movie deemed it not necessary. That's scary.
Rod: I like sales. It fits my personality.
Phelous: [spit-takes] You have a personality?!
Rod: Started out as a software engineer. BS in computer science. Software development was boring for me, and I felt [...]
Phelous (VO): Yeah, that's what I thought.
[Plays audio from Kraft Cheez Whiz "Adds Personality" commercial]
Rod: I work at a start-up company called NCT Software. Got the stock option. Hopefully...if the company makes it big by being bought out or goes public, I'll exercise that stock option. [scene of Phelous asleep in midst of dialogue]
Natalie: I kind of like to spend time with Alex.
Rod: Alex?
Natalie: He's really cute.
Rod: Who is Alex?
Natalie: And I love him to death.
Rod: Come on, let me see the picture! Is he your boyfriend?
Natalie: I can't wait for you to meet him.
Rod: Come on, let me see it!
Phelous (VO): Somehow he still managed to sound bored while desperately trying to grab a picture. That's some kind of special talent there.
[plays audio from Mortal Kombat]
Shang Tsung: And now for a taste of things to come.
[Scene of Rod and Natalie watching CGI parrots]
Phelous: [laughs] Oh man. Oh no. It's starting.
Phelous (VO): Oh, and of course this wouldn't be Birdemic, the master of un-editing, if they didn't have the animated GIF birds disappear before changing the scene. They show off some more of this mastery with bad cutting between shots that don't need to be there, and after we get a whole SCENE that doesn't need to be here when Natalie goes to visit her mom. And wait...her mom lives in a big house like that, and when Natalie's in town, she still has to stay in a motel?
Natalie's mother: What's that smile all about?
[Audio cuts out again]
Phelous (VO): Must be because of that noise that made them blank the audio again.
Natalie: I got a job with Victoria's Secret!
Natalie's mother: [gasps in amazement] Oh my gosh! Oh, honey. You know, I've always been supportive of your modeling career. It's just such a tough business to be in.
Natalie: It is.
Natalie's mother: Well, does it get paid well?
Natalie: Yes, it does.
Natalie's mother: OOH, that's my girl!
[Natalie chuckles]
Phelous (VO): Okay, cut. CUT!!!
Phelous: How do you edit it like that?! Wow, I really think we should keep in that part after the thumbs up where she just stops giving it and clearly doesn't know what she's doing?!
Phelous (VO): Natalie calls up her best friend in the middle of her...bathing suit sex with a convenient and out-of-place sign. And that goes for Rod's work friend being the guy she's pretending to screw too! At Wooden Rod's work, the magical adventure continues as his boss announces how selling this apparent call center company has made even the sales reps rich enough to retire 'cause they have a few shares of stock. Now I understand the fantastical scoring for when Wooden Rod goes to work. They also show us how applause really works: it starts dying until suddenly other people realize they should START!
[Scene of characters clapping, where the camera snaps between each and every character on that single round of applause from beginning to end to the point of going back in time for each shot]
Phelous: Wow, it's really something when you can even fuck up editing applause. [sarcastic] And yes, it was really important to show every single person at that table clapping. [mock clapping]
NCT Software CEO: So, now you got a big payday with your big stock option, huh?
Rod: Yeah, I earned it. All those big deals I did with NCT...amd millions of dollars in revenues and sales.
Phelous (VO): [as NCT Software CEO] "Thanks for telling me that. Clearly I, as your boss, had no idea, but then again, I did strike up this pointless conversation with what I just said in the meeting, so I guess I reap what I sow."
[Caption: "I always bring toy cars to work just in case."]
Rod: I'm thinking about opening up a green tech company.
Rick: Really?
Phelous (VO): [as Rick] "I'm so interested. And I almost forgot, I have more lines here."
Rick: She's my girlfriend's best friend.
Rod: Huh. Small world.
Rick: Yeah, and they're planning on setting us up for a double date.
Rod: ...It's gonna be fun.
Rick: Yeah.
Phelous: [sarcastically] Wow, this is such a great surprise to me. And I'm so happy that I can now go on a double date with you, my best friend...in the whole world.
Rod: Man, that was a good movie, An Inconvenient Truth.
Phelous: [sarcastically] I know, right?! And this is such a casual way to bring up the fact that we just watched that!
Rick: That is it! I'm getting myself a car that's environmentally friendly.
Phelous: [sarcastically] That was a good movie, Birdemic! It sure told me! I'm gonna be more environmentally friendly now too!
Rick: Mai and I gotta get back to work, so, uh... [mumbles unintelligibly]
Rod: Work?!
Rick: Yeah, you know...sensual work?
Phelous (VO): [as Rick] "Yeah, I don't know why I tried that innuendo at first 'cause truth be told, I didn't even understand it."
[Scene of Rod presenting with something rubbing against the mic]
Rod: Mass solar and nano-face solar panels... They cost manufacturers per watt of electricity...ten cents. That's a fraction of the cost of the current silicon base [...]
Phelous: [rubs his own mic] Pro tip, Birdemic, it doesn't sound very good when you have something rubbing against your mic! [stops rubbing] And here I thought your sound couldn't get any worse.
Rod: With these panels, solar power will be available and affordable for everyone.
Shareholder: So how much funding are you requesting?
Rod: Ten million dollars.
Phelous (VO): [as shareholder] "Well, you have absolutely no experience with this, but your muffled speech and your single-slide slideshow has won me over somehow. Must be all that personality you have!"
[Caption: "And this deal will never be brought up again."]
[Establishing shot of the "Art & Pumpkin Festival"]
Phelous (VO): "Art & Pumpkin Festival". See that, guys? Yup, "Art & Pumpkin Festival". Don't forget it. They're at the "Art & Pumpkin Festival".
Rod: Oh! Lovers on the moon!
Nathalie: Yeah!
Random N64 man: Yeah.
[Next establishing shot with Rod and Natalie]
Rod: Oh! Lovers on the moon!
Nathalie: Yeah!
[Next establishing shot with Rod and Natalie]
Rod: Oh! Lovers on the moon!
Nathalie: Yeah!
Phelous: I'm sorry, he doesn't REALLY keep saying that. I don't wanna misrepresent Birdemic or anything! So here's what was REALLY said during those shots.
[Same two shots are played again, showing that the audience cannot hear the actual dialogue]
[Scene of Rod and Natalie at a beach with wind and waves partially drowning out the dialogue]
Rod: The sea is so beautiful.
Natalie: Yes, it is.
Phelous: Is it really that hard for you guys to put this together? You couldn't get passable sound in a restaurant, so what the fuck did you think would happen if you filmed out by the SEA?!
Natalie: He wants to be kind, honest, indispensable[???]...
Phelous (VO): [sarcastically] Uh-huh. Yeah, I sure hear that.
Natalie: Not really. I figure if I don't make it big by the time— [cut off mid-sentence by sudden jumpcut] I figure I'll just take it from there.
Phelous: WHO EDITED THIS, A BLIND PERSON?! NO, A BLIND PERSON COULD HEAR THAT THAT SOUNDED TERRIBLE!!! [angry wailing]
[jumpcut]
Phelous: The editing is bad.
Rod: You should have a Plan B now. I always do. [sudden jumpcut] I mean, look at me.
Phelous: You DON'T do jumpcuts in films, you dumb fucks!!
Natalie: Who knows; maybe I'll consider a career in real estate.
Phelous (VO): You landed cover model for Victoria's Secret. I think your modeling career is going okay!
Natalie: Look at these birds. I wonder how they died—
Rod: Stop! Don't touch it! It may be infectious!
Phelous (VO): Yeah, if you touch it, you might turn into a poorly-integrated picture as well. The next day the world has fallen completely silent. [singsongy] It's the soooouuuund of sileeeeence...
[Doorbell chime]
Phelous (VO): Until Rod rings the doorbell a second time in the next shot.
Natalie's mother: Oh, hi!
Natalie: Hi, Mom!
Phelous (VO): Oh, hi agai— Oh, wait, wrong movie. I don't know why they're even ringing her mother's doorbell when you know Natalie just walked into her mom's house the first time, or why the scene couldn't just start with them talking to her mom! But then I guess we'd miss out on this wonderful shaky back shot of them walking into the house!
Natalie's mother: I really like retirement. I like to travel, I like to cruise, um...and I enjoy watching television. And, um...my biggest thing is I love to watch Nat and work with her on her modeling career.
Phelous (VO): How do you work with her on that? You didn't even know she got her Victoria's Secret job or if that even meant good money!
Natalie's mother: My big thing is to make sure that she's happy and successful in whatever she chooses to do.
Natalie: ...Thanks, Mom.
[awkward silence before fading into the next shot]
Phelous: Wow, really? That was the whole point of the scene? To learn that Natalie's mom likes watching TV?!
Natalie: I was just kidding about the stock option, shopping and money and all that. All I want is you.
Rod: Are you sure?
Phelous (VO): [as Rod] "I mean, look at me. Sometmes even I forget I'm a real boy."
Nightclub singer: [singing] Just hangin out' // Hangin' out // Hangin' out with my family // Havin' ourselves a party [claps once]
Phelous (VO): So after the extremely appropriate music break at the most popular club in town, I'm sure, we find out why Natalie doesn't just stay with her mom when she's in town.
Natalie: Rod? What do you think?
Phelous (VO): [as Rod] "You're in the way of the TV with the Tippi Hedren cameo. Get it? She was in Birds."
Rod: You look fine.
Phelous (VO): "You look FINE"?! Really, Wooden Rod?! I mean, he didn't even say it like "you look FIIINE!" He might as well have said "your physical appearance looks acceptable to my visual sensors". And I'm convinced this is where most of the movie's budget must have went towards: getting this actress to strip to her underwear and make out with this piece of cardboard, since the character was actually supposed to like him in the earlier scenes, and the clear disgust shown by her must have been the actress! And holy shit, what the hell was she walking in before this scene?
Phelous: Well, now that they're together, I guess that's the end of the movie. I forgot that I review really poor romance films.
Phelous (VO): Oh, of course, I'm being an idiot like usual. The best is yet to come...in the next part! [strained laugh]
Phelous: So, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna have to split this video into two parts. [inhales] But I do have something really special for the ending of the first part.
Phelous (VO): There was just something stupid in this movie almost every freakin' second. And yeah, I don't want to put you through my annoying voice for over forty minutes straight. That's really something NOT recommended.
Phelous: So I hope you'll all join me in being super excited because I've got the star of Birdemic here with me, ROD! [pulls out literal wooden rod] Rod, how are you DOING? [beat] WHOAHOHO, where was all this energy when you were filming Birdemic, Rod? [throws out literal wooden rod] Whatever, this bit's dead.
["TO BE CONTINUED" appears over the same ominous orchestral music from Birdemic's opening scene]
["NEXT TIME" appears with various scenes from Part 2]
[End credits with caption "Let's go out for some VETnamese food! It'll cost 1 million dollars, AT A 50% DISCOUNT!"]
Phelous: [holds thumbs-up sign for a moment] CUT!