|
Bio-Dome
| |
|
| |
|
Released
|
March 16th, 2010
|
|
Running time
|
16:58
|
|
Previous review
|
|
|
Next review
|
|
|
Link
|
|
(The review begins with the following title cards: "We have been informed that the movie 'Bio-Dome' was supposed to be a 'Bill and Ted' sequel that the studio changed at the last minute." "After much consideration, we have decided that this information would not help the movie in any way.")
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it... I fuckin' hate Bio-Dome, I fuckin' hate Bio-Dome, I fuckin' hate Bio-Dome, I fuckin' hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, LALALALALALALALALALALA-- (water is thrown on him and he calms down) ...Thank you. Anyway, I fucking hate Bio-Dome.
(The title screen and clips from the movie are shown)
NC (voiceover): I mean, I don't think I've seen a more annoying and obnoxious piece of cancerous ass. It's so grating and ear-rapingly bad, that I'm surprised the movie itself hasn't been arrested for indecent exposure! It may not be the worst movie, but trust me, it's in the top 5.
NC: (holds DVD disc) This is the movie, (shows his wrists bandaged, presumably slit) these are my wrists after watching the movie, and these are the notes that I took during watching the movie. (He shows the camera a piece of paper with "Why?" written over and over before slamming it down on his desk) I've never been so happy to get something over with, so, let's just go ahead and get this over with...
NC (voiceover): So the film starts, appropriately enough, by throwing its garbage at us. A fitting metaphor. We then see our main stars, listed 'Pauly Shore' and 'Stephen Baldwin', which honestly begs the question "How bad do you have to be to be listed under Pauly Shore?". The credits roll on like a cinematic ransom letter, until the story finally begins.
(A newsreel-like film of people in the desert shoveling, working in labs, and handling animals is shown)
Narrator: The place is the Arizona desert. Here, a team of scientists and investers has come to create the first space station on Earth. A self contained world. A pure environment. Their mission will be to sustain life for one year, while living in harmony with nature.
NC (voiceover): (imitating the narrator) They're codenaming it 'The Really Stupid Experiment'.
Narrator: Congratulations, Biodome 5, and good luck.
NC (voiceover): So while THAT waste of time is going on, we cut to an even bigger waste of time. This playful scamp is named Squirrel*, played by the Devil's pubic hair himself, Pauly Shore.
- - The character's real name is Bud and is nicknamed Squirrel
(Bud (Pauly Shore) and Doyle (Stephen Baldwin) are seen playing rock, paper, scissors)
Bud: (teasing in an annoying, high-pitched voice) Paper covers rock! You lose, Buckwheat! (makes weird noises and sounds)
NC: That was the first line. Literally, the first line he says makes me want to lobotomize myself. We have to watch a whole MOVIE with this anus!
(Bud and Doyle are seen smoking and dancing around a car)
NC (voiceover): Now for those of you who are young and have no idea who Pauly Shore is... (pause) good.
Bud: (laughs) Stubby, squirrely tribal!
NC (voiceover): So Shore is joined by his good buddy, Stephen Baldwin, who plays another idiot named Doyle. They live in that wonderful time of the 90's, where stupid guys didn't really have to have jobs, and yet somehow they live in relatively nice places. Oh, and they also somehow date really hot chicks as well.
NC: Come on, are we really supposed to believe the 90's were like that?
'90s Kid (played by Linkara): DUUUUUDE! The 90's are like that, man! People like us don't need jobs because we're delightfully quirky! Houses and babes just drop into our laps!
NC: But, 90's Kid, there's got to be some reason why lazy morons keep getting good stuff back then.
'90s Kid: Nope, that's just how we roll. (shows the letters WYSIWYG on his shirt) What you see is what you- (knock on the door)
NC: What was that?
'90s Kid: Oh, it's probably just my landlord with another eviction notice. (bashing sound) And a battering ram. (gun cocking) And a sawed-off shotgun. Gotta go! (gunfire)
NC: Anyway, back to the review.
NC (voiceover): So Squirrel and Doyle spend most of their time hitting each other with books and explaining how it's smart.
Monique (Joey Lauren Adams): I can't believe you'd crack Doyle's skull just to get out of this!
Bud: You don't understand. The book fell on him. I mean, well, he fell on the book. They collided.
Monique: Bullshit!
NC: (mocks Monique) Bullshit!
Monique: God, it is just like you two to try and weasel your way out of your responsibilities on Earth Day.
NC (voiceover): Oh, by the way, yes, that is the lesbian with the funny voice from Chasing Amy. The only thing that gives me hope through all this is that she'll castrate Pauly Shore and start making out with the brunette. But I don't think the writers are smart enough to do something so stupid.
(Cut to Monique and Jen (the other girlfriend) driving in a car)
Jen (Teresa Hill): Well, they're getting better. They're taking yoga, and you're the one that keeps on raving about how flexible Bud is getting.
Monique: There is something about a man who can lick his own back.
NC: ...What am I supposed to say to that?
(Cut to Monique and Jen at a payphone in the middle of a trash-filled desert spot)
NC (voiceover): So it turns out these two are super environmental bimbos, who want to help clean the environment for Earth Day.
(Bud and Doyle are at home on their couch with Doyle biting off a hangnail from Bud's toe)
NC (voiceover): But their dumbass boyfriends have even more important things to do, like being dumbass boyfriends.
Monique: (calls Bud from the payphone) We met these guys from Arizona Tech, and they’re taking us out to this kegger at Vasquez Lake.
Bud: What? You met men?
Monique: Oh, and they’re on the swim team.
Bud: (to Doyle after hanging up) Our girls have been seduced by breaststrokers.
Monique: (to Jen after hanging up; laughing) They bought it!
NC (voiceover): So they set out to find their girlfriends because they’re afraid that they’re gonna sleep with some breaststroke swimmers. They should just re-title this movie “Stupid White People Doing Stupider White Things”.
Bud: (points out to the Bio-Dome) Whoa, check out that mall, man.
Doyle: Whoa, must be a grand opening. “Bio-Dome.” (Bud chuckles) Do you think that means it goes both ways?
Bud: I don’t know, but we do. (He and Doyle lean in close to each other to flick their tongues out and make noise)
NC: (frowns) Never do that again for the love of God.
NC (voiceover): So they get to the spot, only to find out that the ladies tricked them.
Doyle: There used to be fish here, remember?
Bud: Yes, I do, Doyle. A long time ago when we were kids, right?
(Flashback to Bud and Doyle as kids on a boat, and their mother dunks Bud’s head in the water for a long time)
Young Doyle: Leave Bud alone, Mom!
Mother: I’m teaching Bud how to hold his breath underwater. (She lifts Young Bud’s head out of the water) Much better, Bud. Now let’s try for three minutes. (She dunks his head in the water again)
NC: (sarcastic, claps his hands like a little kid) Yay, you tried to tell a joke! You get a vast empty void of silence!
NC (voiceover): So as they start to head back, they come across the Bio-Dome—which looks more like Bio-Pringles cans—as the five scientists get ready to head inside.
Dr. Noah Faulkner (William Atherton): Please, I would like to introduce my team. Mr. T.C. Romulus (Kevin West), our entomologist. (Romulus gives a salute to the crowd) Miss Petra von Kant (Kylie Minogue), our oceanographer… (She gives a salute) …and Miss Mimi Simkins (Dara Tomanovich), our agriculturalist. (She gives a salute)
NC: That’s not an agriculturalist, that’s Miss October.
NC (voiceover): In fact, only two of these people look like real scientists, the rest look like fashion models. How phony is that?
NC: Haven’t you seen any movie scientists that got white lab coats and messed-up hair? Like Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd. (An image of Doc Brown is shown) That was a scientist.
NC (voiceover): These guys are GQ covers. (Three GQ covers appear below the movie’s five scientists) They’re insults to movie scientists everywhere!
NC: What would Christopher Lloyd say?
(Cut to a convention)
Christopher Lloyd: I was frozen today.
NC: Ah, it’s good to know. (He shakes hands with Lloyd) Thanks, Christopher Lloyd.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): Oh, by the by, does this head scientist (Faulkner) look familiar to you at all?
(A clip from Ghostbusters is shown.)
Walter Peck: I’ll tell you what’s hazardous. You’re facing federal prosecution for at least a half a dozen environmental violations.
NC (voiceover): That’s right! It’s Walter Peck from Ghostbusters. And yes, he’s an environmental douche in this movie, too.
(Back to movie.)
Faulkner: But one day to sustain life on new worlds far, far away.
NC (voiceover): So Squirrel and Doyle sneak their way in to take a piss while the Nazi from Blues Brothers seals the Bio-Dome up with the scientists inside. But wait a minute. (The entire crowd stands up to notice Bud and Doyle inside with the scientists) Oh, no! They’re not supposed to be in there! I smell shenanigans, or in their case, shit-nanigans.
William Leaky (Henry Gibson): Get them out now!
Faulkner: The doors are sealed for one year. I can’t open the doors, because if I open the doors, the integrity of all the scientific data is compromised.
(Another clip from Ghostbusters.)
Mayor: Is this true?
Peter Venkman: Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.
Petra von Kant: Adding two more at this stage will throw the whole system off balance.
Faulkner: Then the system...will adapt.
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, let’s go over this again: They can either just open the door up and let them out, simply starting the countdown over again, or they can let these idiotic time bombs stay inside and most likely destroy everything.
NC: What did these morons study before this?! The environmental impact of Bigfoot?!
NC (voiceover): So because space is tight, they have to have them stay in the janitor’s closet, where the idea for this movie probably should’ve stayed.
Bud: (to Doyle) For the blanket. (He and Doyle do Rock Paper Scissors; Bud wins with paper over rock and taunts Doyle in a high voice) You lose the blanket! (Normal voice) For fun. (They do Rock Paper Scissors once more; Bud wins again with paper over rock before he taunts Doyle with an annoying but also creepy laugh)
NC: Oh, good. I just heard the soundtrack to my night terrors for the next few weeks.
(The clip of Bud’s annoying and creepy laugh is shown again, but this time, it's heard in an echoy way)
NC (voiceover): But Squirrel and Doyle find they can’t just stay confined to one room. So it’s raping time!
(Bud sneaks into Petra’s bed to physically fondle her while she’s asleep, while Doyle does the same with Mimi; cut to the two women screaming from inside their rooms before Bud and Doyle run out to greet each other in excitement)
NC (voiceover; as Bud and Doyle): We’re rapists AND adulterers. (He laughs)
(Cut to the next day with Bud and Doyle out in a tropical lagoon section of the Bio-dome)
Bud: (sings and dances) Doyle, Doyle, Doyle of the Jungle / Friend to you and me.
(Doyle swings down from a vine to meet with Bud on the other side, but ends up missing and tumbles down a sandy slope)
NC (voiceover): So…yeah, the majority of the movie is just these guys acting like douche monkeys as the audience scratches their head trying to figure out what’s supposed to be funny about it.
(Cut to another scene of Bud and Doyle dancing in place and making indistinct noises)
Doyle: I'm a Sherman tank! Sherman tank!
(Doyle pretends to be a bull and idiotically runs his head into a door, injuring himself)
NC (voiceover): Has anyone ever noticed that Pauly Shore is to white people what Jar Jar Binks is to black people? I have to say, I’m very offended.
Bud: (to Petra) So, um, hey, I know yoga. (He lies down on the ground and spreads his legs apart while on his back; Petra tries not to laugh) I do it like that…
NC (voiceover): Hey-hey! That’s the best performance in the movie! Finding Pauly Shore funny; that is no easy task.
Bud: (as Petra quickly leaves) Wait, wait! Okay, maybe I’ll show you some other maneuvers later.
NC (voiceover): Eventually, their girlfriends find out where they are as they go to visit them.
Doyle: (to the girlfriends through a glass window) Listen, maybe you’re not aware of it, but we’re a vital part of the homeosystem.
Monique: Don’t you think your couch is having withdrawals?
NC: (mocks Monique) Don’t you think you should get back to your Jennifer Tilly impersonation?
Bud: We gotta go. (waves goodbye) Bye. (He and Doyle turn away to leave)
Monique: Bye.
(After Bud and Doyle are gone, she and Jen hug)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Touch each other, tou—(Cut to Bud, Doyle and the scientists making a toast at dinnertime) D’ahhh! Goddamn it!
Bud: (acts feminine) I am so fat.
Doyle: (pretends to be feminine and comforts Bud) No, you’re not.
Bud: Nobody likes me.
Doyle: You’re beautiful.
Bud: People didn’t like me in high school.
Doyle: Everybody loves you.
Bud: Oh, thank you.
NC: You know, I think this film is the Hot Pockets of movies; nothing substantial and most likely will cause diarrhea.
(Cut to Bud and Doyle in the tropical lagoon section of the Bio-Dome ready to play football with each other, while the "Spider-Man" song by The Ramones is playing)
Bud: You ready? Hut one, hut two, hut-hut-hike!
NC (voiceover): I’m beginning to think this movie is the predecessor to all those really bad YouTube videos you see. You know, the ones where two dickheads do dickhead-ish things while one dickhead laughs at the other dickhead while that dickhead gets hurt but sadly isn’t crippled for life? That’s this movie.
(Cut to Bud and Doyle wearing their own tribal hats on their heads)
NC: (rubs his head in frustration) God, every new edit in this film hurts me.
Bud: (greets Petra and Mimi) Good afternoon, Petri dish. (speaks with a bad French accent) Allow me to present…(Doyle brings out a jar filled with brown water and what looks like pineapple spikes on top)… (speaks normally) Chateau Squirrel Stub. It’s a bit plucky.
Mimi: So that’s what happened to our fruit harvest.
Bud: (to Doyle) Mini-tribal. (They both dance in place a bit)
NC: (flaps his lower arms about) Laugh at us! Laugh at us! (Accompanying text flashes below him)
(Cut to Bud and Doyle sitting in an artificial rain generator (which looks like a large white plastic round tub) playing “Marco Polo”)
Doyle: Marco!
Bud: Cholo!
Doyle: Marco!
Bud: Cholo!
NC (voiceover): Okay, these two were dropped. Either that or they’re some kind of special needs kids, but there’s no way these are normal functioning people! Especially if they think that THIS SHIT IS FUNNY!
(Cut to Bud and Doyle causing chaos in a lab Romulus is working in, destroying it and letting the insects out)
NC (voiceover): They’re worse than cancer! If a doctor came up to me and said I had a bad case of Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin, I’d cut off my head with a fork!
(Cut to a golf ball breaking through a window)
Bud: (is practicing golf) Damn it, damn it, damn it.
NC (voiceover): And by the way, this is it! This is all they show for, like, 45 minutes. Once in a while, they'll cut back to a pointless scene with Marilyn Manson’s ex-girlfriend here (Rose McGowan)—who’s dressed like something out of Pleasantville for some reason—but other than that, it’s just this! WILL YOU JUST DECAPITATE THEM ALREADY?!
(Bud and Doyle are shown having a sissy fight and punching each other in the jaw like Rock-‘em Sock-‘em Robots before rubbing each other’s faces)
(A clip from Planes, Trains and Automobiles is shown.)
Neal Page: Here’s a good idea: Have a point! It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
(back to movie.)
(Doyle opens up a barrel to find food inside, and he and Bud gasp and make noise in excitement, while "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel is playing)
NC (voiceover): Sweet crispy Jesus, every time one of them speaks, I hear a child being murdered! I’m not kidding! That’s seriously what I hear every time one of them talks!
(The unpleasant sound clip of a girl screaming and a gun firing repeatedly is heard in the background over Bud and Doyle)
NC (voiceover): So the scientists (in a deep frustrated voice) FINALLY (normal) come to their senses and ditch the two bungholes in their indoor desert, leaving them little to no means of survival.
Faulkner: The idea being that while we are here, you are there.
NC (voiceover): Congratulations, movie; you have me totally siding with the bad guy. Walter Peck in a mullet is the more credible choice here. That’s how bad we’ve gotten.
Petra: We can’t just leave them there.
Faulkner: They are a symbol of everything that is wrong with this world.
(Yet another Ghostbusters clip.)
Walter Peck: Captain, these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act!
(back to movie)
NC (voiceover): I know this seems incredibly unrealistic as scientists wouldn’t partake in murder, but I don’t care. If it’s Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin’s murder, it’s all for the greater good.
(A clip from Hot Fuzz is shown.)
Monks: The greater good.
NC (voiceover): So they spend several days practically starving to death when they come across an interesting discovery.
Doyle: (groans) A key. (He turns a key attached to a lock, opening up one of the windows leading to the outside)
NC (voiceover): WAIT A FUCK NUGGET!! You mean this air-tight, totally concealed bubble could have been opened this whole time with just a key in the back glass door?!
NC: (places a hand on his chest) Ow! Ow! Th-This plot hole is so bad, it’s actually physically hurting me! OW!
NC (voiceover): So what do they do now that they’re finally released out of their environmental prison? Throw a party, of course, as they invite everyone they know back to the Bio-Dome so they can have a rockin’ good time. The girlfriends hear about it at some sort of Earth Day event where they—(The camera shows Tenacious D performing on-screen for the first time ever) Tenacious D?!
Jack Black: (sings) Don’t say we didn’t save some freakin’ trees!
NC: Oh, my God, real comedy! Real comedy at last! Oh! Save me, Tenacious D! Help me to laugh again!
Festival-Goer: Party at Bio-Dome? All right, let’s go!
NC (voiceover): NNNNNOO! NNNNNNOO! GO BACK TO TENACIOUS D, YOU ASS-MONGRELS! DON’T YOU KNOW REAL COMEDY WHEN YOU SEE IT?! (The scene switches to Bud and Doyle leading a procession of party-goers atop two portable thrones) D’OOOOHHH! HOW DARE YOU CUT BACK TO THOSE COCK-EATERS?! YOU PASSED OVER THE ONLY TALENTED PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE, YOU MORONS!!
NC: It’s like looking at a line-up of the world’s greatest martial artists and being like, “Jackie Chan? I don’t think so. Bruce Lee? Maybe next time. Steven Seagal, get in there!" (Long pause, then out of nowhere…) ASS!!!
Bud: Monique, Jen, welcome to paradise!
NC (voiceover; as both Bud and Doyle): We’re still not funny.
Jen: Doyle, look at this place. It’s being destroyed.
Doyle: I thought you guys wanted, like, a big environmental party.
Monique: You assholes!
NC: (mocks Monique) You assholes!
Monique: Bud, you’re killing the Bio-Dome.
NC (voiceover): So after the party is over and they’ve destroyed pretty much everything the Bio-Dome was trying to accomplish, they try to put it back together again by restoring all the clean air through just picking up everything. Great, that’s like trying to fix Hiroshima by handing out Band-Aids.
Mimi: (to Doyle) Do you have any idea how impossible it would be to make this place habitable again?
Doyle: We’re taking over this dome!
Romulus: We’re all gonna die!
NC: (mocks Romulus) I am acting!
NC (voiceover): Seriously, this film couldn’t get any less funny if they just shot a clown!
(Indeed, a clown is seen getting shot and killed in broad daylight on TV)
News Reporter (on TV): Back and to the left. (NC reacts in surprise) A clown. (He shakes his head and looks solemn before resuming his normal reporting) Elsewhere, the infamous Bio-Dome is back in the news.
NC: My God! You’re actually trying to kill comedy, aren’t you? You’re trying to…physically destroy everything that is humorous in this world! (Beat, points to the camera threateningly) You’re not gonna get away with it! No, no! How much of this movie is left? (A screenshot of the news report is shown along with NC’s caption “15 Minutes”) 15 minutes? Alright, I’m just gonna rush through it, thwarting your diabolical plan, you sick, sick fuck movie!
NC (voiceover): Walter Peck goes mad and disappears for a while, but returns as the Uni-bomber. Literally, his hair grows long, he has a beard and he gets explosives to try to blow up the place. He does this by combining nitroglycerin with coconuts—just go with it; it’ll be over faster—but his plan doesn’t work, as the explosion seems to happen next to the coconuts instead of actually in them. (A green arrow is used to illustrate NC’s point) But he also has a detonator and plans to use it to blow up the entrance.
(Faulkner quickly turns around to face Bud and Doyle while holding out a detonator in his hand)
Bud: Give me the detonator.
Faulkner: What is the magic word?
(One more Ghostbusters clip.)
Peter Venkman: …Please.
NC (voiceover): The bombs blow up, but mysteriously and unfortunately, nobody is hurt. The boys reunite with the girls, people confuse this experiment for a giant success, and Walter Peck ends the movie by doing his best Flying Circus impression.
(Faulkner runs off into the horizon before the end credits roll)
Monty Python’s Flying Circus Announcer: It’s… (The theme music plays) Monty Python’s Flying Circus!
NC: Brought to you by the worst of humanity. (Beat) THIS IS AWFUL! I MEAN, AWFUL!
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): All the funny is replaced by a giant cauldron of annoyance! I just can’t comprehend how bad this movie is. It’s just two really unfunny people doing really unfunny things and confusing it for something really funny! I haven’t been aggravated by a movie like this for a long, long time. And that’s saying something, considering the movies I’ve reviewed.
NC: Fuck this movie! (yells in a deep voice) FUCK THIS MOVIE FOREVER! (speaks normally) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. (He looks at the DVD for a short second, then chews on it, grabs a gun and shoots it, spits on it, then slams the gun down) I REMEMBER IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO! (He gets up to leave and shudders angrily)
THE END
PS—Yes, we really did get Christopher Lloyd to say “I was frozen today.”
Channel Awesome Tagline—Monique: Bullshit!
*This was ranked as #5 on Nostalgia Critic's Worst Movies list.
