Beverly Hills Chihuahua
January 15, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence play. Open on Rob walking down the hall of the building when he hears the sound of people shouting and whooping. He heads over to where the noise is, coming from behind an open door to the kitchen)
Voices: GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
(It's NC, Tamara and Malcolm are cheering on Jim as they play beer pong. Jim looks like he is about to aim a ball towards one of the cups, but instead, he very gently drops the ball into the cup. Everyone cheers exaggeratedly)
Rob: What are you guys doing?
NC: Enjoying the day off, man!
Malcolm: Yeah, there's no movie to review this week, so we're kicking back and enjoying the high life.
Rob: By playing beer pong?
NC: (speaking like Balki from Perfect Strangers) Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.
Tamara: Yeah, you know what just got legalized in Illinois, (NC takes out a box of matches) so we're enjoying the high life!
(NC looks out at the cup where the ball landed. Inside is a pile of green grass, presumably marijuana. He strikes a match and drops it in the cup. There is an explosion where the match lands in the grass. NC and Tamara take a whiff of the smoke and sigh with sheer ecstasy, their eyes rolling up)
Rob: You still have a movie to review.
Jim: What? No, we don't.
NC: Yeah, that would imply we actually saw a movie this week.
Rob: You did!
NC: (confused) Did we?
Malcolm: That would mean we sat in one place for an hour and a half and watched something that left no impact on us whatsoever.
Rob: That's not very hard to believe.
NC: (pointing at Rob) All right, look here, mister...you! If we watched this (makes "finger quotes", mocking tone) "phantom movie", what was it called?
Rob: Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
(Jim and Malcolm stare in confusion, then Malcolm laughs)
Malcolm: (to Jim) Dude, I swear he just said there's a movie called–
Rob: (yelling in anguish) I DID!!!
Tamara: (amused) I think someone got started on the friendly parsley before we did.
Rob: It was a kids film from 2008. (Everyone else either stares in confusion or tries to think) With the voices of Drew Barrymore and George Lopez? (They still stare, still not getting it, which exasperates Rob) It wasn't on Disney+?
Everyone: (finally getting it) Ohhh!
NC: Yeah, yeah...
Jim: Why do I remember what's not on there more than I remember what is?
NC: Jesus, we saw that whole film, and I don't even remember watching it.
Malcolm: Wow, I can't believe a movie left that little an impression on us.
Jim: The Charlie's Angels reboot of dog movies.
Malcolm: We live in a world where that's a sentence now.
Rob: Well, the movie's not gonna review itself.
Tamara: (pointing to him) Wait... (Rob stares as she stands there awkwardly) Yeah, you're right.
Rob: So get in that office and do your job!
NC: You got it! (Nobody moves an inch as Rob continues to stare) Did we make it?
Rob: (losing patience) GET OUT OF HERE!
(He chases everyone out of the room as they all run into the wall across the way, bumping into one another in a heap)
NC: (walking off irritably) Lousy pity film to give Raja Gosnell work!
(They all start to leave)
Malcolm: Hey, who's looking after the rest of the stash?
(After they leave, there is an explosion, a poof sound and a puff of smoke all emerging from the kitchen where Rob is standing)
(The title for Beverly Hills Chihuhua is shown, followed by footage of the film)
NC (vo): While it's difficult to accept that a film like this was greenlit, got made, and you possibly saw it without even remembering you did, the hardest fact to wrap one's brain around is that this film was number one at the box office for two weeks straight. Yeah, two weeks straight! You mean, people would rather watch this than...
(He stops short and hesitates, however, as a montage of posters of other concurrent movies is shown: Quarantine, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, An American Carol, Religious, Body of Lies, RocknRolla)
NC (vo): Uh... Uh... All right, maybe it's not that hard to believe. To its credit, it might have had one of the most insane trailers movie-going audiences have seen in a while.
(A clip of the trailer is shown, set in an ancient Central American pyramid, full of dogs wearing native attire and beating on drums. Yeah.)
NC (vo): Just look at this!
Dogs: (singing) Oh, chihuahua! Chihuahua!
Papi: (rapping) We're tiny, but mighty, we're number one...
(NC stares, wide-eyed and nonplussed)
Papi: (rapping) We're the real hot dogs, yo, hold the bun! (beat) Jealous?
Dogs: (singing) Oh, chihuahua! Chihuahua!
(Cut to a clip of Batman Forever showing Margaret)
Margaret: That's hideous!
NC: Hideous, yes; forgettable, no.
NC (vo): A shame this trailer has almost nothing to do with the movie. (Camera zooms in on Papi) Yeah, you see this dog getting all the focus?
NC: He's in maybe one-third of the film.
(A green arrow appears, pointed towards Chloe, the female chihuahua, who sits next to Papi)
NC (vo): You see this dog who doesn't even get a line in the trailer?
NC: She's the main character!
NC (vo): This chihuahua temple and all these other dogs?
NC: Maybe about ten minutes of the movie.
(The original intended release date is shown in the trailer: September 26, 2008)
NC (vo): Even the release date lied to you; it came out in October!
(More footage of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): It's no wonder this movie's so hard to remember! (The poster for this movie is superimposed) Even the poster forgets who the main character is! (The camera looks around at the characters on it) Was it him or her– Oh, who cares? Nobody's gonna watch it anyway...
(A poster for Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva la Fiesta! is shown)
NC (vo): THIRD ONE?!
Angry Black Female (distorted): BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK??
NC (vo): Apparently, I did see this, and I need to be shown again why it's so forgettable. There's a whole lot of nothing to get through, so let's not waste any time wasting our time.
NC: (crosses arms) This is the straight-to-DVD* movie that drunkenly got a budget: Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
- NOTE: This was actually a theatrical release, unlike the other BHC sequels that actually were straight-to-DVD.
(The Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown for a bit before being cut off by NC)
NC: (his head resting on his hand) You don't need to try this hard. You did see the title, didn't you? Hell, look who...
(The credits read: "A FILM BY RAJA GOSNELL")
NC (vo): ...they got to direct it. Yes, Raja Gosnell seems to be the guy you get...
NC (vo): ...when even the director starving to death pass on a film. And give him credit: he is very good at making everybody in the film look immediately punchable.
(As the film opens, we see Vivian Ashe, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, entering a pet salon in Beverly Hills)
Vivian: (seeing her secretary) Hello, Willow. Lovely to see you.
NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Jamie Lee Curtis and Drew Barrymore are finally in a film together. But one of them's a dog.
(As Jamie enters her salon, she opens up her purse and lets out her pet chihuahua, Chloe, on the table. She is wearing a tutu and ballerina shoes)
NC (vo): This is Chloe, a spoiled chihuahua surrounded by other stuck-up bitches.
Chloe (voiced by Drew Barrymore): It's not easy to find a mate with papers, let alone one you could love.
NC: Have you ever seen an animal trying so hard to quietly signal...
NC (vo): ..."Euthanize me"? I'm serious, all the dogs in this movie look miserable. I give credit that...
(Cut to footage of Cats and Dogs)
NC (vo): ...the training is better than, say, Cats and Dogs, where they constantly look distracted and they just slap talking lips on them.
(Cut back to Beverly Hills Chihuahua)
NC (vo): But if you took those lips off here, they all seem ready for a needle with anything in it. They don't care. Whatever fate gives them has to be better than this. But a voice actor's making bank say they're happy, so they're happy!
Dog 1: Bimini has a date with Scooter.
Dog 2: He's crazier than a labradoodle!
Dog 3: Hey, (holds up paw) talk to the paw.
NC: And you thought (Poster for the following appears in the corner...) Cats was the first masterpiece to utilize cat puns.
NC (vo): Jamie Lee plays a famous cosmetic designer named Viv, who's also friends with her landscaper, Sam, and his pet, Papi.
NC: (stroking his chin) Hey, remember in Disney's Oliver and Company, where Cheech Marin...
(Cut to a poster for Oliver and Company, with the camera zooming in on Tito the chihuahua, who was voiced by Marin)
NC (vo): ...played a chihuahua?
NC: Remember how he was the only character kids remembered?
(Footage of Beverly Hills Chihuahua is shown as NC describes it)
NC (vo): Well, we got a Disney film, we got Cheech Marin, we got a chihuahua! Cast him as a mouse...
(A shot of said mouse, Manuel, is shown, along with an image of Marin, who voices him. Then cut to Papi, along with an image of George Lopez, who voices him)
NC (vo): ...and the guy from Sharkboy and Lavagirl!
(Papi is jumping up and down on his side of the fence to see Chloe swimming in a backyard pool)
Papi: (with each jump) You are more lovely...in the dark...of corazon.
(Papi is then seen speaking Spanish (by Doug) that translates to "I want a rewrite," as per text on the screen)
NC (vo): Papi constantly hits on Chloe, but she thinks she's too good for him because Disney said, "I saw Lady and the Tramp...'s poster. (A poster for that movie is superimposed briefly) That's what it's about, right?", and she quickly dismisses him.
Papi: (pushing a grasshopper in front of Chloe) Grasshopper, mi corazon?
Chloe: (excited) Papi, that's so... (recoils after a beat) disgusting.
NC: Kids, if you're wondering if that's the grasshopper from...
(The scene is shown again, this time with a shot of the grasshopper from the Silly Symphony cartoon The Grasshopper and the Ants in the corner)
NC (vo): ...that charming Silly Symphonies cartoon...
NC: ...I really want you to hate this movie, so yes, yes, it is.
NC (vo): Viv's niece, named Rachel, drops by, played by Piper Perabo. You may remember her from (Poster for the following appears in the corner...) Coyote Ugly.
NC: I mean, I don't, but you might.
NC (vo): And big shock, she's just as bratty as Chloe.
Vivian: (on her phone) Wonderful. Bye. (hangs up)
Rachel: Everything okay, Aunt Viv?
(She opens a can of soda so loudly that the opening and the fizzing startle Vivian)
Vivian: Oh, honey, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
NC: (as director) Now, sound editors, when she opens that soda, I want it to be...
NC (vo): ...the loudest opening of soda ever captured of film. (as sound editor) But why?
NC: (as director) DON'T TALK BACK TO ME!
(He makes a slapping motion, presumably hitting the sound editor in the face, who yells in pain as he is hit)
NC: (as director, shaking index finger in the air) I made Home Alone 3! (Poster for that movie appears in the corner)
NC (vo): Viv says she's going out of town and needs someone to look after Chloe. So naturally, she gives the responsibility to someone who doesn't want to do it.
(Viv having assigned dog-sitting duties to her and then leaving, Rachel opens the door)
Rachel: Play date?
(Several small dogs come into the house while Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" plays in the background. Then we cut to Malcolm and Tamara dressed in '90s attire with huge sunglasses as they dance in front of a psychedelic, kaleidscopic background)
Malcolm: Looking for horribly dated music to put in that kids' film you shot on a weekend?
Tamara: Well, we got your back, with...
(A shot of a made-up album appears, with Tamara saying its name...)
Tamara: ..."Now That's What I Call SHIT! Volume 136!"
Malcolm: We have every overplayed nightmare that hasn't been popular in ages!
(Then we cut to a montage of alleged kids' movies showing the characters performing these unpopular songs, starting with Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. All the while, text in yellow slides up the screen, starting with "Seriously, they're in every kids' movie")
Tamara (vo): From "Conga"...
Chippettes: (singing) Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga...
(Cut to a clip of The Smurfs. The sliding text has risen up to now include "Especially the bad ones" and "You're so sick of them")
Malcolm (vo): ...to "Walk This Way"...
Grouchy Smurf: (singing) ...not another single girl in the whole Smurfin' world...
(Cut next to a clip of Yogi Bear. The text now features two more new phrases: "They used to be okay, but then they've been Nickelodeoned to death" and "You squirm just thinking about them now")
Tamara (vo): ...from "I Like Big Butts"*...
- NOTE: It's actually called "Baby Got Back".
Yogi: (singing as he sticks out his rump while dancing) I like big butts and I cannot lie...
(Cut now to a clip of Ferdinand, showing hedgehog siblings Una, Dos and Cuatro. Now the sliding text now reads: "Remember when 'Big Butts' was funny?" and "We don't either now")
Malcolm (vo): ...to "The Macarena"...
(The hedgehogs start dancing the Macarena, which is performed in the background by Los del Río. Then cut to the next clip, this one of Scooby-Doo 2, showing Scooby dancing onstage to "Thank You For Letting Me Be Myself", while wearing disco attire, complete with big sunglasses and an afro wig. The text now includes two more phrases: "Thanks shitty kids films" and "Oh my God play SOMETHING different!")
Tamara (vo): ...from "Thank You"...
Singers onstage: Thank you for letting me be myself...
(Now cut to a clip of Trolls)
Malcolm (vo): ...to "I'm Coming Out".
Poppy: (singing) I'm coming out...
(Now cut back once again to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, showing Rachel opening the front door for a play date and the small dogs coming in)
Tamara (vo): Oh, and did I mention "I'm Too Sexy"?
Right Said Fred: (singing) I'm too sexy for my shirt...
(Now cut back Malcolm and Tamara with the psychedelic kaleidoscope background, with their arms crossed)
Malcolm: Like you even have to. (They both laugh as Malcolm then turns to Tamara) Seriously, whatcha doin' tonight?
Tamara: What is happening right now?
(Cut to the "Now That's What I Call SHIT!" cover)
Tamara (vo): Buy "Now That's What I Call SHIT! Volume 136!"
Malcolm: Because looking for current good music requires hard work and a soul!
(Suddenly, a phone rings)
Tamara: Whoa! (She answers the phone) Hello? (looks up) Someone buying every copy again?!
Malcolm: Thanks, Raja Gosnell!
Tamara: You're putting me through grad school!
(Beverly Hills Chihuahua resumes with a dog party in the backyard, with Rachel serving Chloe grudgingly by the pool)
NC (vo): Rachel and Chloe don't like each other, as they see one another as spoiled rotten. But Papi tries to lighten the mood.
Papi: (running up to Chloe) If you ever need someone to lick inside your ear, or chew the hard-to-reach places, I would be most honored.
NC: These are just the lines George Lopez uses on women.
(Viv's gardener, Sam Cortez (played by Manolo Cardona) stands nearby)
Sam: Papi! (whistles)
Papi: (to Chloe as he hears the whistling) Duty calls! (runs over to Sam)
NC (vo; as Papi): We're surprisingly above not making a poop joke out of that!
NC: (as Papi, smiling creepily) For now...
(Suddenly, to a dramatic sting, the camera zooms in close on NC's face as he smiles creepily. Meanwhile, Rachel takes Chloe on a trip to Mexico to party)
NC (vo): Rachel takes Chloe to the border to party, because...everyone looks ready for a good time here. But Chloe doesn't like the place. Chloe escapes and is nabbed by some wrongdoers who want to use her in a...dog-fighting ring? What??
(Imprisoned in one pen of a dog fight in Mexico City with tough-looking spectators and gamblers cheering, Chloe is scared out of her wits. In a neighboring pen, she spots a German shepherd named Delgado)
Delgado (voiced by Andy Garcia): You're in the dog fights.
Chloe: Dog fights?!
NC: (nods; sarcastically) 'Cause she really looks like a killer!
NC (vo): Look out! She might sneeze and your pit bull might get a cold before ripping her goddamn head off! (Chloe's gate opens and she is brought out into the ring) All right, all right, maybe she'll be put up against other chihuahuas. (Chloe looks around at the toughies cheering) I mean, she doesn't look that strong, but maybe there's a little fight in her.
(Instead, however, her opponent is a vicious-looking Doberman, who smiles sadistically at her)
Doberman (voiced by Edward James Olmos): They call me El Diablo.
Chloe: (trying to be pleasant) It's certainly nice to meet you.
NC: (incredulously) How the wormy asshole does this work?!?
El Diablo: Stop talking!
(Chloe starts to run and El Diablo gives chase)
Chloe: This is highly inapprorpiate!
(El Diablo reaches out and bites down on Chloe's dress that she still has on and pulls her back)
NC: I mean, full disclosure, I've never been to a dog fight. (The audience is heard gasping and he holds up his hand in defense) I know, I know. I'm just not on top of (An image of a made-up video game appears in the corner: Super Smash Bros. Bitch Brawl, with a picture of two snarling dogs on it) what the kids are into nowadays.
NC (vo): But I'm assuming there's some betting going on, wagering on who's gonna win. What kind of betting odds are on this fight?! Do they gamble on what color shit she's gonna be when she's digested through his organs? Maybe it's not a fight, maybe it's just what they feed the dog before the real round begins!
(Back in Rachel's hotel room, having noticed that Chloe is missing, she runs around, frantically calling Chloe's name)
NC (vo): Rachel eventually figures out Chloe is gone.
(Back home, one of Rachel's friends, Angela (played by Ali Hillis), contacts Sam the landscaper to explain what happened)
NC (vo): Thus, her and her friends try getting help from the landscaper to help locate her.
Angela: I'm Rachel's friend, and, um, you're the gardener, right?
Sam: I'm Sam.
(Cut to a clip of a cartoon version of the story, "Green Eggs and Ham", showing Sam I Am holding up a sign bearing his name as he rides on the back of a cat)
Sam I Am: Sam I Am!
(Cut back to Beverly Hills Chihuahua as Angela holds out a photo of Chloe to Sam)
Angela: Chloe's lost in Mexico and Rachel's staying behind to find her.
NC (vo): He agrees to help, while another dog named Delgado, voiced by Andy Garcia, can't help but feel bad for Chloe and tries to rescue her.
(Delgado opens his own cage door and the cage doors of the other dogs, and they all escape, running over one of the tough-looking gamblers in the process)
(The dogs run out into the street)
NC (vo): I'd give credit that this movie didn't use "Who Let the Dogs Out" during this sequence...
NC: ...but should we really reward crimes we didn't commit?
(Chloe is carried off by Delgado, but not before the crime boss in charge of the ring, Vasquez (played by José María Yazpik), gets a good look at her bejeweled collar)
NC (vo): The crime boss who runs the ring [Vasquez] realizes Chloe's collar might mean she's worth something.
One of Vasquez's Thugs: (to Vasquez) I'm sure I locked those cages, sir.
Vasquez: (seething) I want that chihuahua!
NC: You know, it cut away (holds up index finger) one second before he cracked saying that line.
(After he says that, Vasquez sits down in a chair and buries his face in his hands, as though he's about to cry)
NC (vo): And then broke into tears, shouting, "What am I doing?! I left law school for this?! No, really, IMDB it."
(A shot of Yazpik's page on IMDB appears in the corner, showing that he did indeed attend law school, but after a year, turned to acting instead)
NC (vo): "I left law school for this!"
(An image of a demonic Mickey Mouse is shown, surrounded by flames while an ominous choir is heard)
NC (vo): "You broke me, Mouse! YOU FUCKING BROKE ME!!" Anyway, Chloe finds she's in Mexico City, and her new pal Delgado fills her in about her surroundings.
(A colorful parade is going on, where many performers are dressed as skeletons)
Delgado: The Day of the Dead. It's what humans do to honor their ancestors. Helps them remember who they are. Where they came from.
NC: Sorry, Coco. (The poster for that movie pops up as he says that)
NC (vo): Beverly Hills Chihuahua has Mexican culture down.
NC: You just look embarrassing!
NC (vo): The criminal's dog named El Diablo is sent to find Chloe, so Delgado puts her in dirty water to get rid of the scent.
Chloe: (getting out of the dirty water) I stink. I smell like a wet dog.
Delgado: You are a wet dog.
(The word "WRITERS" is superimposed over NC's face. He reaches out his hand and makes a "come here" motion)
NC: (as writer) Money for rare talent only we can deliver, please.
(At the police station, Rachel is reporting the missing Chloe when suddenly her phone rings)
NC (vo): Rachel gets a call from her aunt to see how Chloe is doing.
Rachel: (answering her phone with as much excitement as she can muster) Hi, Aunt Viv!
(Viv is in Italy at a resort on the Mediterranean as she calls Rachel)
Viv: Ciao, Rachel!
NC (vo; as Viv): Hey, did I get drunk and sign on to a dog film I'm barely in?
Viv: Could I talk to her for just a second?
(Feeling embarrassed, Rachel barks like a dog to fool her aunt)
Viv: (speaking in baby talk) Hi, baby!
(As Rachel makes more barking noises, others in the station look at her strangely. Meanwhile, Viv starts barking like a dog as well, having fallen for her niece's ruse)
NC: I have no problem with actresses having kids, but as mothers, they must be forbidden...
(The scene of Rachel attracting attention by making barking noises is replayed)
NC (vo): ...from doing scenes like this in movies. It's ruining their high school lives forever.
(Rachel barks one more time and makes a panting sound. Then NC hears a female voice behind him)
Voice: Hey, isn't that your mom?
NC: (as Rachel) No, no, that's her in that other movie! (A shot of another Perabo movie is shown, Coyote Ugly showing her getting doused in alcohol) Oh, God! (facepalms himself)
(Back in Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Viv and Rachel make some more barking noises, then we abruptly cut back to Chloe and Delgado in Mexico City)
NC (vo): Even the film had to cut away from that scene; it was so painful.
NC: You can actually hear the soundtrack of the movie saying...
(Viv and Rachel's barking is shown one more time)
NC (vo; deep voice): Oh, God, stop! (The movie cuts away to Mexico City) Oh, that's...that's a little better. Still bad, but...little better.
(Delgado and Chloe approach the entrance of a swanky hotel. Chloe goes inside and approaches the concierge's desk)
NC (vo): Chloe tries getting into an upscale hotel she stayed at before, but she's tossed out because everyone thinks she's just a stray dog.
(One of the staff picks up Chloe and puts her in the back of an animal control truck)
Chloe: Oh, really!
(As the door of the truck slams shut, she sees a reflection of herself in the mirror and gasps in shock)
Chloe: Oh... Oh...
NC: Yeah, that's how dogs react when they see something shocking...
NC (vo): Stand perfectly still with no movement and stare into the empty void.
NC: Here's where one reacts to a box of pizza.
(A video of someone's dog is shown. This person lowers down a box of pizza in front of the dog, and it yelps as it moves out of the way)
NC: (agitated) DOG A LITTLE IN YOUR DOG MOVIE!
NC (vo): Rachel comes across Papi and Sam at the same police station, both reporting the same thing.
Rachel: (to Sam) What are you doing here? I mean, que are you doing here?
NC: (confused) "Que" is "you" more racist than (A shot of the wartime, anti-Japanese cartoon Tokio Jokio appears in the corner) World War II cartoon!
Rachel: (to the police chief) What should we do now?
Chief: We? You go back to your hotel and wait.
Papi: What?! We're Mexi-CAN, not Mexi-CAN'T!
NC: (scoffs; mock British accent) Brilliant wordplay!
NC (vo; mock British accent): Hath thou heard thy rendition of "Jingle Bells" that (A shot of an odorous Batman standing in snow is shown in the corner) doth suggest a Caped Crusader's smelleth?
(Back at Viv's home in Beverly Home, a wild dog party is going on, for a dog named Sebastian's birthday, while "Whoomp! There It Is" plays in the background)
Bulldog (presumably Sebastian): I cannot believe Chloe's missing this.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we see Chloe's friends are back at home, having a fun time...
(Now cut, rather abruptly, to Chloe lying forlornly under a park bench)
NC (vo): ...and then the scene ends! I literally have no idea why this was included in the film.
NC: (shrugs) Maybe it was to show off...
(Cut to shots of the party, starting with dogs jumping in an inflatable area labeled "Firehouse")
NC (vo): ...the effects can look worse than you thought...
(Cut to a shot of a birthday cake, in the shape of Sebastian the bulldog about to urinate on a fire hydrant)
NC (vo): ...maybe to display this cake representing the film pissing on your intelligence...
NC: (waves dismissively) But I think we all know the real reason: to play another horribly dated song!
(As a dog jumps into the pool, "Whoomp! There It Is" plays in the background. Then we cut back to Malcolm and Tamara in the "Now That's What I Call SHIT! Volume 136!" commercial. Tamara is talking on the phone)
Tamara: Listen, Gosnell! You bought the CD, you use every song on it! (holds up phone to Malcolm)
Malcolm: We will break things you thought you couldn't break!
(Tamara then slams the phone down. Immediately, it rings and she answers it)
Tamara: Hello! (smiles) Illumination is making another movie?
Malcolm: Hello, 41K!
(They both laugh. And with that, we go to a real commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes with El Diablo catching up with Chloe at a museum)
NC (vo): So El Diablo hunts down our two heroes to a museum, where... (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder if any of these priceless artifacts are gonna be knocked over.
(Chloe and Delgado runs across a display of ancient artifacts, but manages to avoid knocking them over. El Diablo chases after her, onto the display and up onto a pedestal, but surprisingly, he manages to avoid knocking over the artifacts, too, as he barks viciously)
NC: Okay, as an unintentional troll move, that's pretty funny.
(Delgado and Chloe run up a flight of stairs, where no one else seems to be)
NC (vo): Thank God this is the emptiest museum in the country, as they outsmart El Diablo, not pleasing his owner.
(Vasquez is seen talking on his cell phone as he looks at his computer, which has a cosmetics magazine website on it, with a picture of Viv and Chloe prominently displayed)
Vasquez: (on his phone) There is a lot of money riding on this chihuahua. They cannot find her before we do.
NC: (as Vasquez) Our dog fights (A shot of the earlier confrontation between Chloe and El Diablo in the dog fight is shown in the corner) are absurdly one-sided. We need to make money on something!
NC (vo): Chloe comes across a rat [Manuel] and an iguana [Chico], played by (Image of...) Cheech Marin and (An image of Tommy Chong starts to appear) his longtime comedic partner (Suddenly, the image of Chong changes to that of...) Paul Rodriguez, who try to con her out of her diamond collar. Because rats can do a shit-ton with jewelry.
Manuel (Marin): (looking toward a cruise ship docked nearby) I work on a luxury cruise ship.
Chloe: Do you think you can help me get home?
Manuel: (looking closely at Chloe's collar) It's the very least I can do.
NC: (shaking head) Man, the last time I saw a rodent steal riches from a sucker...
(Cut to a shot of George Lucas selling Lucasfilm to Disney as he shakes hands with then-Disney CEO Bob Iger)
NC (vo): ...George Lucas signed over Star Wars.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Seinfeld)
David Puddy (Patrick Warburton): (raising his hand to a woman) High five.
(Back to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, where Delgado and Chloe board a boxcar on a train...)
NC (vo): Delgado and Chloe sneak onto a train...
(...and meet a coyote in there)
Coyote (Ed F. Martin): Buenos dias.
Chloe: (looking toward coyote) Wha...?
Coyote: Make yourself at home. (chuckles in a sinister way)
NC: (smiling and nodding) That coyote sounds trustworthy.
(To a dramatic sting, the coyote is shown again as the camera zooms in on his face)
NC: (shaking head) He does nothing.
(The initials "WTF?" (written in yellow) is slapped across the screen, covering the coyote)
NC (vo): ...as Papi tries to get info from some stray dogs, while Sam and Rachel's relationship grows.
(Papi and the stray dogs run up)
Rachel: (listlessly) Just what we need: stray dogs.
Sam: Papi was a stray dog. (holds up Papi) He inspires me every day.
NC (vo; as Sam): I am, of course, inspired by stupid things. But who knows? Maybe one day, he'll be featured on (Poster for this movie is superimposed) the poster of something he is barely in. The Brad Pitt of Inglorious Basterds, if you will.
(Meanwhile, Manuel the rat and Chico the iguana are sitting in a piñata full of candy, having pigged out on the stuff. Manuel has Chloe's diamond collar around his neck)
Manuel: Must've been the Pop Rocks.
(Suddenly, someone in the store where the piñata is starts shaking it, and Manuel and Chico fall out)
NC (vo): The rat and the iguana hide out in a store piñata and...
NC: (shakes head) I think this imagery speaks for itself.
(Said imagery shows Manuel and Chico scurrying down an aisle inside the piñata. The piñata runs up to a little boy, scaring him out of his wits. He backs into a wall, trying to avoid it)
Boy: (speaking Spanish) It's alive! (runs down another aisle as the piñata runs along)
NC: Remember that...
NC (vo): ...nameless drug you experimented with at that party?
NC: Aren't you glad this movie...
NC (vo): ...recreated what you saw that night?
(Manuel and Chico escape from the piñata and the store owner tries to attack them with a broom, forcing them to flee. In their haste, they leave behind Chloe's collar, which the store owner, after looking around to see if no one is looking, takes for himself by putting it under his apron)
NC (vo): The store owner finds the collar and drops it into his apron cleavage...
(Cut to Chloe and Delgado jumping off the train...)
NC (vo): ...as Chloe and Delgado jump off a train, and we're suddenly given this...
(...and then cut back to the store again, where Rachel, Sam and the police officer have come in, as the store owner tries to explain what happened)
Store Owner: I told the local police they found the collar on a rat, but they didn't believe me! I went to turn the diamonds in, and they tried to arrest me!
NC: Wow! (blinks eyes) That's a lot of onscreen stuff that happened!
NC (vo): Clearly, all you needed was a text crawl that says...
(A shot of the text crawl from Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker is superimposed, but with the following text: "The dead speak! The galaxy has heard a mysterious broadcast, a threat of REVENGE in the sinister...")
NC (vo): ..."The dead speak," and the audience would accept it fine!
(Meanwhile, Chloe and Delgado are now out in the desert, where they come upon a random tree)
Chloe: Haven't we passed this tree before?
Chloe: You can't...smell... (Delgado looks at her) can you?
NC (vo): While lost in the desert, Delgado finally reveals the truth that he has no sense of smell. (sarcastically) Oh, good! I'm glad somebody made it past the posters (The Lady and the Tramp poster from earlier is superimposed again) so they can at least steal appropriately!
Chloe: What happened to you? Why can't you smell anything?
(Cut to a clip of Die Hard)
Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson): (into a walkie-talkie) I shot a kid.
NC: (waving dismissively) No, no, that's for the sequels. (The titles for the two Beverly Hills Chihuahua sequels appear, one in each corner)
(We have a flashback as Delgado explains what happened: he and his human master, a policeman, were on the hunt for Vasquez and El Diablo, when...)
Delgado: (narrating) I was blindsided.
(Having blindsided Delgado, El Diablo then attacked Delgado's master, after which Delgado approaches his still body)
Delgado: My partner got hurt.
(Then we cut back to Delgado and Chloe)
Delgado: Next day, I woke up and couldn't smell a thing. They say it's all in my head.
NC: (confused) So he has...selective smelling? (The word "Sentological?" pops up) Is that even possible for a dog? (takes out his cell phone) Let me look that up. (stops abruptly and slams down phone again) I'm not dedicating that time to Beverly Hills Chihuahua!
NC (vo): They're approached by mountain lions, but a group of dogs rush in to save them.
(The dogs having chased off the mountain lions, they then take Chloe and Delgado to an ancient Aztec pyramid where they make their domain, the one seen on the poster and in the trailer)
NC (vo): Yep, only two-thirds done with the movie; might as well work in the focal point of your trailer.
Chihuahua: (narrating) The Aztec people left too long ago, but we remained.
NC (vo; as chihuahua): They heard Disney was coming, so they threw all their cute, cuddly animals at them in exchange for survival. They killed them anyway. (The sound of machine gunfire is heard)
Chihuahua: (to Chloe) We chihuahuas are not toys or fashion accessories. We were not bred to wear silly hats and ride in purses.
NC: (as this chihuahua) We are marketing ploys for movies that confuse babies!
NC (vo): They tell her that every chihuahua has an inner bark that can send shivers down any enemy's spine.
(The dogs are start barking at once. Chloe tries to do likewise, but it sounds more like a high-pitch shrieking yip, which causes the dogs to stop barking and stare)
NC: (as the chief chihuahua) You sound like my testicles' last cry for help before I was neutered!
Chihuahua: Don't worry, little one. Your bark will come when you need it most. (Chloe giggles)
NC: (as chihuahua) Given Disney movies' track record right now, probably in an embarrassing third act.
(Meanwhile, one of the stray dogs is brought by Rachel to an old woman. The dog licks her lovingly)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rachel finds a home for the stray dogs that came with them. I guess this was her arc.
Papi: (to the stray dog in question) Somebody's got a lady friend!
Dog: Oh, I have a home! (smiles)
NC: (disgusted) Ugh! I know you think it's cute, but it looks like...
(The scene is shown again, with a shot of the smiling dog next to a smiling Joker appearing in the corner)
NC (vo): ...Joker used Smilex on dogs before trying human trials.
(Meanwhile, back at the dogs' temple, El Diablo springs out at Chloe and captures her, taking her to another temple)
NC (vo): Chloe is captured again by the criminals and is taken to another abandoned temple!
NC: Yeah, I remember Mexico being really laid back...
NC (vo): ...about their historical ruins.
NC: Oh, there was one around the corner? (waves dismissively) We weren't even looking for them.
NC (vo): The rest of our heroes make it to the ruins due to Delgado getting his smell back, but Papi gets captured, so Chloe has to distract them with her inner bark.
El Diablo: (cornering Papi) It's over!
Papi: (cowering) Chloe!
(Suddenly, Chloe lets out an echoing ROAR of a bark, startling everyone, including Vasquez, who had come to capture Chloe)
NC: Uh, that's some first-degree bullshit right there. (nods)
NC (vo): Something that small made a roar that big? Even the T-Rex from Jurassic Park would be like...
(Cut to a clip of Jurassic Park, showing a T-Rex roaring, with subtitles along the bottom reading: "That bitch be juicin'! Strip her lies from the record!". Then Beverly Hills Chihuahua resumes)
NC (vo): Delgado gets the jump on Diablo, but Chloe apparently got taken down.
(Papi approaches Chloe, who had been knocked unconscious by El Diablo)
Papi: (whispering) Wake up, mi corazon. (looks up) She's...gone.
NC (vo): ...and Beverly Hills Chihuahua...
NC: ...were the big Disney gambles in killing off a main character. (nods)
(Suddenly, Chloe comes to as she opens one eye)
NC (vo): She reveals she's okay...
NC (vo): ...much to George Lopez's indifferent performance.
Papi: Chloe, you're back! You're back.
NC: (as Papi) I mean, I was kind of eyeing a Cocker Spaniel in the 'burbs. We can work out an understanding, right?
NC (vo): And everybody returns home, with Viv having no idea what happened.
(In the backyard, Chloe and Papi sit on a swing, while Rachel and Sam walk up)
Rachel: (to Sam) How do you say, "What are you doing on Friday night?" in Spanish?
NC (vo): Care for a "We just found your pet dog in an Aztec temple and defeated a Mexican crime lord" bang?
NC: (stroking his chin) Why do I get the feeling those are often in Disney films?
NC (vo): As the credits roll, weirdly making it look like the crew was the dogs onscreen... Eh, with this movie, who knows? ...we're given one last odd bit of text before closing out.
(This message is shown on the screen before coming to an end: "If you are adopting a pet, be sure you are ready for a lifetime commitment and research your choice carefully.")
Papi: (rapping) We're tiny, but mighty, we're number one! We're the real hot dogs, yo, hold the bun!
NC: (shaking head) After the clown fish genocide of (An online article showing the plundering of wild clown fish, the "Finding Nemo Effect", is shown in the corner) Finding Nemo, we are taking no chances on this one!
(Footage of this movie is shown one last time as NC provides his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): So that was Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Honestly, I still have to remind myself I just saw it. I guess, in fairness, compared to Gosnell's other work, it's not painfully bad. It's toned down on the bad puns, poop jokes, and ugly camerawork, but that clearly doesn't make it anything good, either. It's just a forgettable bunch of nothing, clearly meant for little kids to point and shout, "Doggy!", while being distracted by 50 million other things entertaining them in the room. I feel like it's not even worth getting that angry over; it's just a pointless movie that, I guess, weirdly, to its credit, is very easy to forget.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. If you'll excuse me, there's better things I have to do with my time!
(He gets up and leaves. He and the rest of his crew run back into the kitchen where the cups are. They run up to the cups and stare inside – only to find nothing)
Tamara: Hey! Where's the good stuff?!
Malcolm: And also...where's Rob?
(Cut to a shot of the London skyline, as Rob is seen flying through the air towards Big Ben, having gotten a literal high from the marijuana back home. He flies up to the very top of Big Ben and grabs a hold of the spire at the very top. Then he flies off)
Channel Awesome tagline – Papi: (rapping) We're the real hot dogs, yo, hold the bun!
(The credits roll)