Beverly Hills Chihuahua
January 15, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence play. Open on Rob walking down the hall of the building when he hears the sound of people shouting and whooping. He heads over to where the noise is, coming from behind an open door to the kitchen)
Voices: GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
(It's NC, Tamara and Malcolm are cheering on Jim as they play beer pong. Jim looks like he is about to aim a ball towards one of the cups, but instead, he very gently drops the ball into the cup. Everyone cheers exaggeratedly)
Rob: What are you guys doing?
NC: Enjoying the day off, man!
Malcolm: Yeah, there's no movie to review this week, so we're kicking back and enjoying the high life.
Rob: By playing beer pong?
NC: (speaking like Balki from Perfect Strangers) Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.
Tamara: Yeah, you know what just got legalized in Illinois, (NC takes out a box of matches) so we're enjoying the high life!
(NC looks out at the cup where the ball landed. Inside is a pile of green grass, presumably marijuana. He strikes a match and drops it in the cup. There is an explosion where the match lands in the grass. NC and Tamara take a whiff of the smoke and sigh with sheer ecstasy, their eyes rolling up)
Rob: You still have a movie to review.
Jim: What? No, we don't.
NC: Yeah, that would imply we actually saw a movie this week.
Rob: You did!
NC: (confused) Did we?
Malcolm: That would mean we sat in one place for an hour and a half and watched something that left no impact on us whatsoever.
Rob: That's not very hard to believe.
NC: (pointing at Rob) All right, look here, mister...you! If we watched this (makes "finger quotes", mocking tone) "phantom movie", what was it called?
Rob: Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
(Jim and Malcolm stare in confusion, then Malcolm laughs)
Malcolm: (to Jim) Dude, I swear he just said there's a movie called–
Rob: (yelling in anguish) I DID!!!
Tamara: (amused) I think someone got started on the friendly parsley before we did.
Rob: It was a kids film from 2008. (Everyone else either stares in confusion or tries to think) With the voices of Drew Barrymore and George Lopez? (They still stare, still not getting it, which exasperates Rob) It wasn't on Disney+?
Everyone: (finally getting it) Ohhh!
NC: Yeah, yeah...
Jim: Why do I remember what's not on there more than I remember what is?
NC: Jesus, we saw that whole film, and I don't even remember watching it.
Malcolm: Wow, I can't believe a movie left that little an impression on us.
Jim: The Charlie's Angels reboot of dog movies.
Malcolm: We live in a world where that's a sentence now.
Rob: Well, the movie's not gonna review itself.
Tamara: (pointing to him) Wait... (Rob stares as she stands there awkwardly) Yeah, you're right.
Rob: So get in that office and do your job!
NC: You got it! (Nobody moves an inch as Rob continues to stare) Did we make it?
Rob: (losing patience) GET OUT OF HERE!
(He chases everyone out of the room as they all run into the wall across the way, bumping into one another in a heap)
NC: (walking off irritably) Lousy pity film to give Raja Gosnell work!
(They all start to leave)
Malcolm: Hey, who's looking after the rest of the stash?
(After they leave, there is an explosion, a poof sound and a puff of smoke all emerging from the kitchen where Rob is standing)
(The title for Beverly Hills Chihuhua is shown, followed by footage of the film)
NC (vo): While it's difficult to accept that a film like this was greenlit, got made, and you possibly saw it without even remembering you did, the hardest fact to wrap one's brain around is that this film was number one at the box office for two weeks straight. Yeah, two weeks straight! You mean, people would rather watch this than...
(He stops short and hesitates, however, as a montage of posters of other concurrent movies is shown: Quarantine, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, An American Carol, Religious, Body of Lies, RocknRolla)
NC (vo): Uh... Uh... All right, maybe it's not that hard to believe. To its credit, it might have had one of the most insane trailers movie-going audiences have seen in a while.
(A clip of the trailer is shown, set in an ancient Central American pyramid, full of dogs wearing native attire and beating on drums. Yeah.)
NC (vo): Just look at this!
Dogs: (singing) Oh, chihuahua! Chihuahua!
Papi: (rapping) We're tiny, but mighty, we're number one...
(NC stares, wide-eyed and nonplussed)
Papi: (rapping) We're the real hot dogs, yo, hold the bun! (beat) Jealous?
Dogs: (singing) Oh, chihuahua! Chihuahua!
(Cut to a clip of Batman Forever showing Margaret)
Margaret: That's hideous!
NC: Hideous, yes; forgettable, no.
NC (vo): A shame this trailer has almost nothing to do with the movie. (Camera zooms in on Papi) Yeah, you see this dog getting all the focus?
NC: He's in maybe one-third of the film.
(A green arrow appears, pointed towards Chloe, the female chihuahua, who sits next to Papi)
NC (vo): You see this dog who doesn't even get a line in the trailer?
NC: She's the main character!
NC (vo): This chihuahua temple and all these other dogs?
NC: Maybe about ten minutes of the movie.
(The original intended release date is shown in the trailer: September 26, 2008)
NC (vo): Even the release date lied to you; it came out in October!
(More footage of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): It's no wonder this movie's so hard to remember! (The poster for this movie is superimposed) Even the poster forgets who the main character is! (The camera looks around at the characters on it) Was it him or her– Oh, who cares? Nobody's gonna watch it anyway...
(A poster for Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva la Fiesta! is shown)
NC (vo): THIRD ONE?!
Angry Black Female (distorted): BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK??
NC (vo): Apparently, I did see this, and I need to be shown again why it's so forgettable. There's a whole lot of nothing to get through, so let's not waste any time wasting our time.
NC: (crosses arms) This is the straight-to-DVD* movie that drunkenly got a budget: Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
- NOTE: This was actually a theatrical release, unlike the other BHC sequels that actually were straight-to-DVD.
(The Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown for a bit before being cut off by NC)
NC: (his head resting on his hand) You don't need to try this hard. You did see the title, didn't you? Hell, look who...
(The credits read: "A FILM BY RAJA GOSNELL")
NC (vo): ...they got to direct it. Yes, Raja Gosnell seems to be the guy you get...
NC (vo): ...when even the director starving to death pass on a film. And give him credit: he is very good at making everybody in the film look immediately punchable.
(As the film opens, we see Vivian Ashe, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, entering a pet salon in Beverly Hills)
Vivian: (seeing her secretary) Hello, Willow. Lovely to see you.
NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Jamie Lee Curtis and Drew Barrymore are finally in a film together. But one of them's a dog.
(As Jamie enters her salon, she opens up her purse and lets out her pet chihuahua, Chloe, on the table. She is wearing a tutu and ballerina shoes)
NC (vo): This is Chloe, a spoiled chihuahua surrounded by other stuck-up bitches.
Chloe (voiced by Drew Barrymore): It's not easy to find a mate with papers, let alone one you could love.
NC: Have you ever seen an animal trying so hard to quietly signal...
NC (vo): ..."Euthanize me"? I'm serious, all the dogs in this movie look miserable. I give credit that...
(Cut to footage of Cats and Dogs)
NC (vo): ...the training is better than, say, Cats and Dogs, where they constantly look distracted and they just slap talking lips on them.
(Cut back to Beverly Hills Chihuahua)
NC (vo): But if you took those lips off here, they all seem ready for a needle with anything in it. They don't care. Whatever fate gives them has to be better than this. But a voice actor's making bank say they're happy, so they're happy!
Dog 1: Bimini has a date with Scooter.
Dog 2: He's crazier than a labradoodle!
Dog 3: Hey, (holds up paw) talk to the paw.
NC: And you thought (Poster for the following appears in the corner...) Cats was the first masterpiece to utilize cat puns.
NC (vo): Jamie Lee plays a famous cosmetic designer named Viv, who's also friends with her landscaper, Sam, and his pet, Papi.
NC: (stroking his chin) Hey, remember in Disney's Oliver and Company, where Cheech Marin...
(Cut to a poster for Oliver and Company, with the camera zooming in on Tito the chihuahua, who was voiced by Marin)
NC (vo): ...played a chihuahua?
NC: Remember how he was the only character kids remembered?
(Footage of Beverly Hills Chihuahua is shown as NC describes it)
NC (vo): Well, we got a Disney film, we got Cheech Marin, we got a chihuahua! Cast him as a mouse...
(A shot of said mouse, Manuel, is shown, along with an image of Marin, who voices him. Then cut to Papi, along with an image of George Lopez, who voices him)
NC (vo): ...and the guy from Sharkboy and Lavagirl!
(Papi is jumping up and down on his side of the fence to see Chloe swimming in a backyard pool)
Papi: (with each jump) You are more lovely...in the dark...of corazon.
(Papi is then seen speaking Spanish (by Doug) that translates to "I want a rewrite," as per text on the screen)
NC (vo): Papi constantly hits on Chloe, but she thinks she's too good for him because Disney said, "I saw Lady and the Tramp...'s poster. (A poster for that movie is superimposed briefly) That's what it's about, right?", and she quickly dismisses him.
Papi: (pushing a grasshopper in front of Chloe) Grasshopper, mi corazon?
Chloe: (excited) Papi, that's so... (recoils after a beat) disgusting.
NC: Kids, if you're wondering if that's the grasshopper from...
(The scene is shown again, this time with a shot of the grasshopper from the Silly Symphony cartoon The Grasshopper and the Ants in the corner)
NC (vo): ...that charming Silly Symphonies cartoon...
NC: ...I really want you to hate this movie, so yes, yes, it is.
NC (vo): Viv's niece, named Rachel, drops by, played by Piper Perabo. You may remember her from (Poster for the following appears in the corner...) Coyote Ugly.
NC: I mean, I don't, but you might.
NC (vo): And big shock, she's just as bratty as Chloe.
Vivian: (on her phone) Wonderful. Bye. (hangs up)
Rachel: Everything okay, Aunt Viv?
(She opens a can of soda so loudly that the opening and the fizzing startle Vivian)
Vivian: Oh, honey, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
NC: (as director) Now, sound editors, when she opens that soda, I want it to be...
NC (vo): ...the loudest opening of soda ever captured of film. (as sound editor) But why?
NC: (as director) DON'T TALK BACK TO ME!
(He makes a slapping motion, presumably hitting the sound editor in the face, who yells in pain as he is hit)
NC: (as director, shaking index finger in the air) I made Home Alone 3! (Poster for that movie appears in the corner)
NC (vo): Viv says she's going out of town and needs someone to look after Chloe. So naturally, she gives the responsibility to someone who doesn't want to do it.
(Viv having assigned dog-sitting duties to her and then leaving, Rachel opens the door)
Rachel: Play date?
(Several small dogs come into the house while Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" plays in the background. Then we cut to Malcolm and Tamara dressed in '90s attire with huge sunglasses as they dance in front of a psychedelic, kaleidscopic background)
Malcolm: Looking for horribly dated music to put in that kids' film you shot on a weekend?
Tamara: Well, we got your back, with...
(A shot of a made-up album appears, with Tamara saying its name...)
Tamara: ..."Now That's What I Call SHIT! Volume 136!"
Malcolm: We have every overplayed nightmare that hasn't been popular in ages!
(Then we cut to a montage of alleged kids' movies showing the characters performing these unpopular songs, starting with Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. All the while, text in yellow slides up the screen, starting with "Seriously, they're in every kids' movie")
Tamara (vo): From "Conga"...
Chippettes: (singing) Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga...
(Cut to a clip of The Smurfs. The sliding text has risen up to now include "Especially the bad ones" and "You're so sick of them")
Malcolm (vo): ...to "Walk This Way"...
Grouchy Smurf: (singing) ...not another single girl in the whole Smurfin' world...
(Cut next to a clip of Yogi Bear. The text now features two more new phrases: "They used to be okay, but then they've been Nickelodeoned to death" and "You squirm just thinking about them now")
Tamara (vo): ...from "I Like Big Butts"*...
- NOTE: It's actually called "Baby Got Back".
Yogi: (singing as he sticks out his rump while dancing) I like big butts and I cannot lie...
(Cut now to a clip of Ferdinand, showing hedgehog siblings Una, Dos and Cuatro. Now the sliding text now reads: "Remember when 'Big Butts' was funny?" and "We don't either now")
Malcolm (vo): ...to "The Macarena"...
(The hedgehogs start dancing the Macarena, which is performed in the background by Los del Río. Then cut to the next clip, this one of Scooby-Doo 2, showing Scooby dancing onstage to "Thank You For Letting Me Be Myself", while wearing disco attire, complete with big sunglasses and an afro wig. The text now includes two more phrases: "Thanks shitty kids films" and "Oh my God play SOMETHING different!")
Tamara (vo): ...from "Thank You"...
Singers onstage: Thank you for letting me be myself...
(Now cut to a clip of Trolls)
Malcolm (vo): ...to "I'm Coming Out".
Poppy: (singing) I'm coming out...
(Now cut back once again to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, showing Rachel opening the front door for a play date and the small dogs coming in)
Tamara (vo): Oh, and did I mention "I'm Too Sexy"?
Right Said Fred: (singing) I'm too sexy for my shirt...
(Now cut back Malcolm and Tamara with the psychedelic kaleidoscope background, with their arms crossed)
Malcolm: Like you even have to. (They both laugh as Malcolm then turns to Tamara) Seriously, whatcha doin' tonight?
Tamara: What is happening right now?
(Cut to the "Now That's What I Call SHIT!" cover)
Tamara (vo): Buy "Now That's What I Call SHIT! Volume 136!"
Malcolm: Because looking for current good music requires hard work and a soul!
(Suddenly, a phone rings)
Tamara: Whoa! (She answers the phone) Hello? (looks up) Someone buying every copy again?!
Malcolm: Thanks, Raja Gosnell!
Tamara: You're putting me through grad school!
(Beverly Hills Chihuahua resumes with a dog party in the backyard, with Rachel serving Chloe grudgingly by the pool)
NC (vo): Rachel and Chloe don't like each other, as they see one another as spoiled rotten. But Papi tries to lighten the mood.
Papi: (running up to Chloe) If you ever need someone to lick inside your ear, or chew the hard-to-reach places, I would be most honored.
NC: These are just the lines George Lopez uses on women.
(Viv's gardener, Sam Cortez (played by Manolo Cardona) stands nearby)
Sam: Papi! (whistles)
Papi: (to Chloe as he hears the whistling) Duty calls! (runs over to Sam)
NC (vo; as Papi): We're surprisingly above not making a poop joke out of that!
NC: (as Papi, smiling creepily) For now...
(Suddenly, to a dramatic sting, the camera zooms in close on NC's face as he smiles creepily)