Channel Awesome

​(An explosion is seen as ThatGuy appears in an empty white room, he gasps and looks around)

Hummel Figurine: (offscreen) Welcome, AskThatGuy. Welcome.

AskThatGuy: Where am I?

Hummel Figurine: The eternal pain you mortals call Hell.

(AskThatGuy looks out nearby window and sees Hell)

AskThatGuy: Oh, yes, they remodeled, the boulder out there looks especially nice.

Hummel Figurine: (offscreen) Yeah, I think they did a good job.

(AskThatGuy and the Hummel Figurine talk over each other until the Hummel intervenes.)

Hummel Figurine: (offscreen) But that's beside the point! You asked to know who I, the Hummel Figurine, was all this time?

AskThatGuy: (nods) Well, yes. Yes, I do.

Hummel Figurine: (offscreen) Well, behold, my true identity!

(An explosion is seen to reveal...)

AskThatGuy: (surprised) Melvin, Brother of the Joker?

Melvin: That's right, it's me, Melvin. (singing) Melvin, Melvin, brother of the Joker, Melvin, Melvin, brother of the Joker, Melvin, Melvin, brother of the Joker, (pauses, then continues singing) Melvin, Melvin.

AskThatGuy: (shocked) You were the Hummel Figurine this whole time?

Melvin: Well, after you killed me during the charity drive. Which, can you even say that out loud? You KILLED during the charity drive, I mean think about it, your trying to help people, and you killed me with forks! You are horri- you are horrible people! They sent me down here, and now I am Satan's second.. fourth- hand-man. So, now that I have you here and now that my secret is revealed, theres only one thing left to do. AskThatGuy, I must destroy you.

(raises hands with explosions in the foreground)

AskThatGuy: Does Satan know you're doing this?

Melvin: Yeah yeah yeah, I talked to him, it's all good.

(continues trying to "destroy him" until AskThatGuy interrupts again)

ATG: I think you should ask him.

Melvin: (sighs and rolls his eyes)

ATG I think you should.

Melvin: Look, I told you, it's cool, we have nothing to worry about here. Now please die.

(does same thing again until...)

ATG: Buddy, I've been down here like a million times. (Melvin looks around while still in position) Me and Satan, were like this. (crosses fingers and jabs then upward)

Melvin: (frustrated) Okay! I'll go ask him! (goes to door and has trouble opening it) God dangit, hi? Hello? Not making my exit very graceful. (to ATG) I'll be back! Gonna ask him. (to door, while trying to close it) Come on! Don't be a dick! (finally slams door)

ATG: Well, while were waiting on that. (is now holding pipe) Hail Satan, didn't hear you come in. (pauses) And if you're here, you must not have been very nice. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

(usual title card and theme music start as we start on our first question)

Narrator: What am I doing here if only you were sent to Hell?

ATG: That's a very good question, and it has to do with a certain we went through. You see, a long time ago, you and I signed up for a certain experiment. You remember? You remember? Don't ya?

Narrator: (disturbed) Yes, yes, uh-huh.

ATG: And that experiment resulted in your mouth surgically attached to my ass. You remember that? You remember? Yes?

Narrator: (creeped out) Yes. Yes. Thank you.

ATG: But unfortunately somebody deemed it "cruel and unusual", so we had to get removed. But, because of that, my narrator feels the psychological need that he needs to follow me every place I go. Because he is hopelessly scarred for life. Aren't ya? Aren't ya? Aren't ya? Yes!

Narrator: Yes. Yes! Oh, Jesus, yes!

ATG: And we're never going to ask that question again, aren't we, slave?

Narrator: (horrified) N-no.

ATG: No, no.

(Narrator starts sobbing)

Narrator: I- (clears throat) If Santa gives coal to bad kids, then what do bad kids who want coal for Christmas get?

ATG: Well, its a wonderful experiment where your mouth is attached to somebody else's anus. Now I know what you're thinking. How can Santa do that if it's cruel and unusual punishment? Well, Santa works outside the law. I mean, think about it, he breaks into people's houses, stealing their food. And yet he still doesn't get arrested, that fat bastard has everybody paid off. And one day, the entire world will know the name of the Claus. (raises fist in the air) Hail Santa!

Narrator: Should I fart in a jar and mail it to you?

ATG: (stares at camera, looks left and right) I think somebody got out of their cage.

Narrator: If "Making it Rain" refers to throwing bills, and "Making it Hail" refers to throwing coins, then how would someone "Make it Snow"?

ATG: (chuckles) Why, that's incredibly easy. You just take a typical video gamer and/or con-goer, preferably one that hasn't gotten a haircut in a long time, so 90% of them, turn them upside-down, start shaking them, and the snow will fall like flakes. Many of those man-children forget about dandruff buildup, but it isn't just for boys. Adult women-childs are perfectly capable of this too, (whispers) especially the ones with the facial hair, and I know you can't just put an s at the end of the word child and expect it to be plural, but I'm ThatGuyWithTheGlasses, bitch. And my penis says hello. (unzips pants and shoots his robotic penis)

Narrator: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

ATG: The Pineapple People. They kicked this annoying sponge out of his home, tied him up, sodomized him, and then asked who his best friend was. He said a starfish named Patrick, and they went to his house, tied him up and sodomized him, and then they asked Patrick who his best friend was, and he said a squirrel named Sally. Well, I can tell you they had great ideas for Sally. (laughs maniacally) Flowers. They gave her lots of flowers. And the heads of the sponge and the starfish. But she did like that so they tied her up and sodomized her. Enjoy your nightmare fuel tonight, guys! (whispers) Enjoy.

Narrator: Why are you a part of Channel Awesome if you don't review anything?

ATG: Well, I needed someplace to hide when the Pineapple People are loose. Have you heard what they do to sponges, starfishes and squirrels? Heinous! As well as delicious. Heinously delicious. (looks at his pipe) What do I put in this pipe anyway?

Narrator: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spiritual photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?

ATG: What do I look like? A token black guy?

Narrator: Who is the supreme band in Rock and Roll in terms of music, influence, record sales, fandom, etc, The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

ATG: Justin Bieber. Now I know what you're thinking... (face close to the camera, whispering) WHAT THE FUCK?!.. (back to normal) But while The Beatles and The Rolling Stones clearly have much more terms of talent, music and everything else you listed, Justin Bieber has much more "etc". He likes to hide a lot of that "etc", paticularly in the chest department. And I know you're thinking to yourself, "What? Justin Bieber, that epitome of butch manliness?" Yes, even he, even Justin Bieber, who could grow a beard in two seconds, does in fact have nipple piercing. That's right, you can see them on his boobs. Freak of nature.

Narrator: Walnut?

ATG: Thank you, but you know the phrase. "Waste not, walnut".

Narrator: I don't know, I don't know, I have so, so many strong reservations, should I go and perform... mutilations?

ATG: But of course, of course! Every five-year-old should try that at least once! I had this wonderful kid that's totally down with mutilations. It's called Mr. Potato Head, and you constantly take out his eyes and nose and rip his lips off including his teeth. And put them where you want them! You can have his mustache where's limbs used to be. His ear on his foot. Though I haven't seen an addition with testicles attached yet. But just cook yourself up some Tater Tots, and you'll be good as new. And he won't. Yes.

Narrator: Why doesn't the Once-ler just plant the last truffula seed himself?

ATG: Because he's a fucking pair of arms! Have you ever tried growing a tree being just a pair of arms? It's not easy! I have. And it was a nightmare! After I was done attempting it, I had nothing to touch. True, one day the Lorax has came over, offered himself something to touch. But I'm incredibly prejudice against all Loraxes. (to himself) Orange skin Yosemite Sams... Oh, I'm also prejudice against Yosemite Sam. And anything breathing. And not breathing. But to answer to your question, The Flintstones: "We'll have a gay old time!" But not with dirty Loraxes. Or Yosemite Sams. Or anything breathing. And not breathing. But to answer to your question, The Flint- (is cut short)

Narrator: If you seem to have all these evil powers, why don't you just kill Melvin yourself?

ATG: Good idea!

(Melvin returns in the room)

Melvin: Jesus! Apparently you weren't joking, you and Satan really are like buddy guys, and it's kinda gross when you guys are di-

(AskThatGuy points to Melvin with his pipe, and he explodes!)

Melvin: (voiceover, groaning) ...why does nobody love Melvin?...

ATG: Now if you'll excuse me, I've quite a long walk upstairs. (he peeks out nearby window) Ooh! But not after I try that penis guillotine. (goes offscreen, we hear a sound of blade falling) Wheeeeee! I mean - ow, my penis!

Caption: "Hey, Patrick could have 2 squirrel friends, and maybe one of them was named Sally"


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