Ask That Guy With The Glasses - Episode Exclusively on the Best of TGWTG. Vol. 2 DVD (April 1, 2011)

We see the wall of a bar. That Guy With The Glasses rises up from the ground, a pipe in his right hand and a drink in his left hand.

That Guy: Alii! [Palauan for "Hello", pronounced "ahh-lee" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction and piano music.

That Guy: (with pipe in hand but not his drink unless noted) First of all, thank you for purchasing this DVD. / [indicates a jump cut] I'm sure many of you were wondering whether or not this was a good use of your money. (pauses) Perhaps THIS will answer the question. / (The music suddenly changes to a big brassy fanfare as we see That Guy playfully dancing behind the bar, pointing fingers at the camera and eventually giving "the finger" on both hands. There are superimposed, mirrored-images of That Guy' head on either side of the screen shifting positions in time to the music. At the bottom of the screen in green letters with black trim is the word "SUCKER!", which grows larger up until the middle of the fanfare.) / (back to normal music and end of graphics) First question.

Narrator (off-screen; words appear on-screen unless noted): Can I have a drink from that bar of yours?

That Guy: (with pipe in mouth and facing screen left, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. And yes, YES you can. / You can have a great big bottle of Shut The Fuck Up. / Have you never tried Shut The Fuck Up before? Let me go get some. / (he then looks at all the alcohol on the bar wall, trying to "find" that particular liquor) Let's see, Shut The Fuck Up, Shut The Fuck Up... / Nope! (turns around) I seem to be ALL OUT of Shut The Fuck Up; but, luckily, you can make a nice big bottle of Shut The Fuck Up at home. / It's very simple. / First, you pour in 1/4th of I Don't Give A Shit, / 1/4th of Are You Really Still Talking?, / 1/4th of Please Sleep With Something Before You Die, / and 1/4th of I Can't Believe I Paid Money For A DVD That's Just Going To Insult Me. / Put that together, and you get a GREAT big bottle of Shut The Fuck Up. / (leans in) With onions. / (with a serious look on his face) Shut the fuck up.

Narrator: Why aren't you, The Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum, Black Dog Bill, General Zod, Dr. Smith, and Dominic never on the screen at the same time?

That Guy: 'Cause we're all the same actors, (getting angry) you FUCKING IDIOT!! / (normal) Again, good purchase.

Narrator: My mother was born with a penis, and my dad was born with a vagina. Me and my brother ended up being identical twin homosexuals; but, for some reason, we are hermaphrodites. Is there a way our family can live a normal, healthy life without being discriminated against?

That Guy: (chuckling) I don't think so! / Your best bet is to go to some foreign country, / join the circus, / and market yourself as a one-man freak show. / Now I KNOW what you're thinking: / What about my brother? / (piano music stops as he leans into the camera and says in a sinister tone...) Leave him to me. (at this point, we slowly zoom in on That Guy's face as a dubbed echo of "to me" is played and fades) / (normal music resumes and normal camera position) Oh, and eat a Twinkie every once in a while... 'cause... everybody should.

Narrator: If you light a loaf of bread on fire and it slowly burns to a crisp, is it burnt bread or burnt toast?

That Guy: (in a demonically altered tone, pointing to the camera) It is your father! [Note: as this happens, it appears that the lights are flickering in the bar. They're not; it's just the effect on the video - ed.]

Other voice: (off-screen in a higher pitch) That's not true; that's IMPOSSIBLE!

That Guy: (still altered, his left hand makes a fist in a dramatic pose) Search your feelings; you KNOW for it to be true!

Other voice: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

That Guy: (normal) Bet you didn't see THAT one coming. I didn't. / Because I'M the one who SAID it. / And now, I eat a 12-month old cherry. (he walks out of shot, screen right; off-screen after a few seconds...) It's AWFUL!!

Narrator: What is the value of X?

That Guy: (chuckles) X is very valuable indeed. / For you see, everyone wants to know the value of X. / That's why they created X mines up in Kentucky. / Little did they know that they could find PLENTY of X's in an adult video store. / There you will find the most valuable of treasures you've ever seen in your life. / They have midget porn, horse porn... / Pokemon porn, THAT'S new... / and my personal favorite: Jesus porn. / It's sort of like the movie The Passion, except it's... (pauses and looks up off-screen for a bit) No, it's the movie The Passion! / So go, children, to YOUR local adult video store today. (a graphic appears in yello letters with black trim: ADULT STORES: They're not just for adults anymore"; it stays up until the next question appears) / Yah!

Narrator: You magnificent bastard, have you read my book?

That Guy: No, I haven't read your book... (as Lt. Kinderman from Exorcist 3) because it is NOT in the FILE! (slams his left hand on the table) It's NOT!! / (zoom in on an extreme close-up of his face as he points to the camera) Obscure references are AWESOME!!! / (back to normal position; the music changes to some yodeling music as he does a silly dance, waving his hands and... yeah, it's silly)

Narrator: (normal music again) Can emos order Happy Meals?

That Guy: (pipe in mouth and turn) No, they don't. They order Sad Meals. / You see, the drawings on the box are black and gray. / The side tells you all sorts of ironic dark jokes. / And they come with tips with how you can be your most pretentious! / And the toy in the Sad Meal? A scalpel. / So you can CUT yourself and make blase artwork. / If you don't think you're sad enough to get a Sad Meal, BUY ONE ANYWAY! You soon will be. / So get your Sad Meal today; because, Goddammit, I want you to DIE. / (looks up) God, why aren't you stopping this?

Narrator: Sir? Shall I launch the Photon Torpedoes?

That Guy: (the music changes to more urgent, action-movie-themed music) No, but raise our shields! We have to be ready for anything.

Narrator: Sir, they're firing!

That Guy: Red alert! (the screen shakily moves out of position as if the bar has been attacked; That Guy shakes about in his position; after a few seconds...) Damage report!

Narrator: I hurt my toe!

That Guy: Damage report on the SHIP, YOU FOOL!

Narrator: Oh, they hit us from deck one up!

That Guy: Lock on to their signal and fire!

Narrator: I can't!

That Guy: (dramatically) Why can't you?

Narrator: Well, because we're a bar.

That Guy: Blast! / (extreme close-up of his face as he looks up with clenched fists shaking) KHAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!

Khan: (off-screen) What?

That Guy: (dramatic music stops as he relaxes slowly and returns to normal) Um... cut it out.

Khan: (off-screen) Oh. Okey-dokey. (we then hear a sound effect of a spaceship presumably hitting warp speed and leaving. That Guy then proceeds to get back into character. The normal music returns as he says...)

That Guy: Next question.

Narrator: (words on-screen again) How do YOU eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?

That Guy: (leans in) With onions. / Nah; you all saw that coming. (looks up and thinks) Um... / (leans in) WITHOUT onions. / Whew! Covered THAT up pretty well.

Narrator: Did I ever tell you the story about my friend, Chris? Who got on a treadmill? With a skateboard?

That Guy: (in a giddy tone, he puts his hands on his face with his elbows on top of the bar) No! Tell me all about it!

Narrator: Um... I didn't ask the question.

That Guy: (same position) You have three seconds.

Narrator: Well, I... I don't really know what to say...

That Guy: (screaming, he takes six shots with his gun at the camera - a brief flash of light for each shot - as the Narrator off-screen pleads, "Oh my God! Oh my God!" etc.; he then looks down in the front of the bar as if he had successfully hit his target)

Narrator: (his "dying" words not on-screen) Tell my wife she gets nothing!

That Guy: (screams again and fires one last shot. He sets the gun down on the table and exhaustedly relaxes with his head bowed.) Oh... (lifts his head up, looks up and around) Now... I can live a blissful life without the Narrator! (he then looks at the camera with a shocked expression on his face; he quickly grabs his gun, puts it in his mouth, and pulls the trigger, knocking him back. Quickly afterwards, we cut to this caption: "It's been decided that this ending is far too depressing to be shown on this DVD. We present to you this substitute." / (back at the bar, we see That Guy holding a "stuffed" dog) Oh my God, I got a PUPPY! / (holds the dog in his left hand) This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then proceeds to slam the puppy against the bar; a loud slamming sound effect is heard. Quick cut to THIS caption: "We also decided THIS ending was too depressing as well. Here's another one.") / (pretending to have the puppy give him kisses as he holds it up to his face; in a cutesy accent) Oh, he's so cute! (he then proceeds to hold the animal in his left hand and turn him around so that he can shove the pipe's mouthpiece up the puppy's butt, which he does with a "pop" sound. We abruptly cut to this: "Fuck it." And the credits roll.)


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