Video Game Review
August 03rd, 2008
(The episode starts off with Kyle Justin parodying the Angry Video Game Nerd theme, with lyrics suited to Nostalgia Critic; the title sequence is tailored with footage of NC as well; the review begins with NC wearing AVGN's trademark shirt and pocket full of pens, only his hat remaining to mark him as the Critic.)
Kyle Justin: (singing) ♫ He's gonna take you back to the past
To pull these reviews out of his ass
He'd rather have a crocodile
Hit him down and suck on his cock
He'd rather eat some rotten dog shit
And drown it down with Rolling Rock (Critic drinks some and spits it out)
He's the world's biggest and greatest cynic
He's the Angry Video Game Critic
He's the Angry Video Game...Critic ♫
NC: (mocking AVGN) Hello, I'm the Angry Video Game Critic! I have a small penis and like to eat elephant shit for breakfast! Ha ha ha! (normal) Alright, I'm not gonna do that voice throughout the entire video. What I am gonna do though is review a godawful video game based off of a godawful feature film. I'm of course talking about the horrors of Bebe's Kids.
(Artwork related to the episode **First Appearance** then footage of the movie Bebe's Kids.)
NC (VO): For those of you who are fortunate enough to pass this movie up, I'll give you the premise. The film is about a guy (Robin Harris) who has to take three bratty kids (Kahlil, LaShawn & PeeWee) to an amusement park (Funworld) as they do nothing but cause trouble and panic. The film was so bad that even the trailer couldn't make it sound good. I mean, listen to this tagline!
Tagline: Bebe's Kids, it's animation--
NC (VO): And that's about all they can say about it. They can't say it's a good film, a funny film, or even a film. All they can say is, it's animation.
NC: That's pretty bad.
NC (VO): Because someone at Universal* foolishly thought this film would be a hit, they did a video game tie-in for the Super Nintendo. Now this film was based on the stand-up comedy of Robin Harris, which he based on real life events.
(NOTE: The movie was distributed by Paramount Pictures.)
NC: So let me get this straight. I'm reviewing a game based on a movie based on a stand-up based on some woman's annoying kids? Well, if that's not the set up for the best damn video game in the world, I don't know what is! (he holds up the game) Let's review this fucker.
(The camera switches to show his SNES, and he wipes some dust off of it before inserting the cartridge.)
NC: Yeah, as you can tell it's been a while since I used this.
(The game begins, and we see footage of him playing.)
NC (VO): Alright, Bebe's Kids, here we go. So, it starts off with you entering the theme park Funworld. Well if you gotta put the word fun in the title, chances are it's not gonna be that enjoyable. Now you can either be a boy (Kahlil) or a girl (LaShawn), and I'm gonna choose the boy. So you start off in the amusement park, and the first thing you notice is the sign behind you. "NO VIbES NO bEVIS, NO bEVIS NO VIbES." Oh boy, we're in trouble. Not only does this not make any sense, but you notice that all the letters are capitalized except the letter "b?" Why the fuck is that? Wait a minute, I just realized something.
(The screen starts showing what he talks about.)
NC (VO):Bevis has the same number of letters as vibes. In fact, it has all the same letters! Vibes is actually an anagram for bevis. So much so that they don't even capitalize the 'b' when they rewrite it. And the pattern is always one vibes, two bevises, never one bevis and two vibes.
NC: So if vibes is an anagram for bevis, bevis is an anagram for vibes, and they always come in the order one-two, one-two, that means...
NC: Absolutely NOTHING! I just wasted five minutes on this game and I haven't even pushed a button yet!
NC (VO): Alright, so you're walking through this amusement park, though it isn't really as much walking as it is swimming through air, and you come across these people in costumes (a security guard and a mouse mascot). They don't seem to be bothering me, so I just decide to move on. Oh, well the screen won't let me leave, okay. So I guess I have to beat these guys up. Okay, that's kinda cool, you get to hit people in the crotch? Maybe this game won't be so bad after all. Yeah, take that ya mousy nads! Oh my God, I will never get tired of this.
(Some time passes.)
NC (VO): Oh my God, I am so tired of this! These characters take forever to kill! And they move around so much that they're hard even to hit. Wait, his head fell off, okay that must mean I'm close, right? Thank God, I don't think I could've taken much more of this.
(More time passes.)
NC (VO): Oh my God, I can't take much more of this! Okay, alright, I got one in the corner now, this oughta make things go faster.
(Time passes again.)
NC (VO): COME ON! DIE! DIE, GODDAMMIT! DIE! Oh thank God! Now I have to get this asshole right, God I hope he goes down a lot faster than the other guy.
(More time again.)
NC (VO): Oh sweet buttery Jesus, this is like a test in psychological torture! Just die! Die! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! Haha, I beat him, I actually beat him! There is a Go-
(The screen says "Time's up!")
NC: ...a time limit? There's a time limit? I can eat my way through a WALL faster than I can defeat these assholes, and there's a TIME...LIMIT?!
(He pulls the game out of the system and prepares to smash it down, then thinks better of it and reluctantly puts the game back in and resumes play.)
NC (VO): Alright, so in case you missed it, it took me a total of 35 hits to take down just one of these guys. THIRTY FIVE HITS. Why are you even trying to hit 'em, they're barely touching you? All they do is stand there and act like they're posing for GQ or something. Okay, let's try this again, maybe there's something I'm missing. I'll be the girl this time, maybe she's a little faster. Oh wha- she's the exact same speed! In fact, I think she might even be a little slower! You bag of ass! Wait a minute, what's that? It's a baseball! Good God, there's actually weapons in this game. Okay, so pick up the baseball, good...and throw it. And throw it. THROW IT, YOU BITCH! Oh my God, how do you throw this thing? It's not A, B, X, Y, it's not even L or R. Will Select work? No, so what the fuck do I do? What, am I supposed to just look at it? Jesus Christ, somebody help me out! What, what was that? WHAT WAS THAT?! How the fuck did I do that? Is it A and B, no, is it X and Y, no, L and R, no, oh, come on! There's not that many button combinations left! Wait a minute, there it is, there it is, I got it, I finally got it! OK, so what's the combo? L (or R) and Y (or X)? Are you shitting me? Whoever heard of a special move that was just L (or R) and Y (or X), I mean what's the point? Why not just replace it with the kicking button, I mean that's totally useless. Well fuck it, let's just see how much damage I can do with this thing. ...Oh you gotta be kidding me, 3 hits? I could've killed these guys the whole time with just 3 hits?!
NC: This game is a bucket of balls!
NC (VO): Now I know what you're thinking, couldn't I technically have checked the instruction booklet for that? Well I think they're giving the people who bought this game a little too much credit. Like that they can read. Alright, so what's the throwing combo. L (or R) and B, well B's the jumping button, so that's already confusing but let's see if I can knock 'em out faster. Come here ya little fuck bunnies, COME HERE! Finally, so how many hits does it take to kill 'em with a weapon? 3. The exact same amount if you just uppercut them.
NC: Well then what the fuck's the point of having a weapon then?
NC (voiceover): I don't know, who gives a shit. Let's just move on to the next level. House of Glass, okay, so this should be at least a little bit of fun. Alright, so there's a baby (PeeWee) dropping some glasses, and a guy (Robin Harris) catching them at the bottom. Okay, well good luck with that, I'm gonna see where the real adventure is. ...I can't leave the screen, great, so I guess this IS the adventure part. What a fucking load. Alright, so do I catch these things too? No, they hurt you. So you wanna stay away from them. Do I stop this guy? I can't seem to, so that's not it, do I stop the baby? Well I can't reach him or climb up the shelves, so what the fuck do I do? Oh, you break the glass? Well how the fuck am I supposed to figure that out. Oh great, now I'm outta time. I really hate that fucking timer. So I guess I have to start over and break the glass again, right? WHAT?! THEY START ME ALL THE WAY BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING GAME?! SON OF A BITCH!
(He pulls the game out again and threatens to hit it with a hammer, then again decides to start playing.)
NC (VO): Okay, so I gotta go through all this shit again and make it to the glass shop. ...By the way, that's just incredible music, isn't it? I mean fuck the Mario games and Legend of Zelda for having actual themes and melodies, all you need is five notes repeated over and over and over. Fucking ingenious. Okay, here I am again, and in case you missed it, you have to somehow break the glass without actually touching it. This is sounding like a goddamn Zen riddle. I should also point out that you can only punch once while in the air. So why is the baby dropping more than one glass at a time? It's not like you can hit it. Godfuck it, let's just get this over with. Alright, so I finally beat the glass level, what's next? HOLY HELL! IT'S THE EXACT SAME LEVEL AGAIN?
(He pulls the game out once more and lays down to shoot it dramatically, then seems to contemplate it.)
(He fires his gun multiple times in the air, Point Break style.)
NC (VO): Okay, so you go through all this bullshit again--back off, you little dick cheese!--and you get to the next level. Which is...a haunted house. ...Fun. Here you have to battle mummies, damn annoying bats, and pictures that blow smoke rings at you. Why? I don't know. I stopped bringing logic into this long ago. So not only is this place filled with creepy ghouls and goblins, but it's also a FUCKING MAZE.
NC: Oh...that's just great.
NC (VO): So you have to go in and out of these doors in order to get your way out of the house. But this is damn near IMPOSSIBLE seeing how every single room looks exactly the same. How am I supposed to remember which room I've been in? There's one part where you're pretty much trapped in this room and you have to find a way out. There's this black thing here, I guess that's supposed to be a mirror. Can I do something here, doesn't seem to do anything. There's this weird animated picture of what looks like Spider-Man swinging by. Am I supposed to catch a ride with him? Please Spider-Man, get me out of this hell hole! What am I supposed to do, the clock is ticking, I have no idea what to do! Do you want me to read a book? Will that make you happy you little-
(The bookcase opens, revealing a hidden passage.)
NC: ...HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FI- never mind.
NC (VO): Let's just get the hell out of here. Well, wait a minute, how come sometimes when I go through a bookcase I end up in a different room than I did before? Well, apparently going to the left side of the bookcase drops you off in one room, and going to the right side of the bookcase drops you off in another.
NC: THAT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE! I mean, think about it!
(Crude animation illustrating what he's saying)
NC (VO): If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle. So, that means that there can only be one room, because if there's a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn't open!
NC: SO HOW CAN IT LEAD TO TWO SEPARATE ROOMS?! It can't, Bebe's Kids! It just CAN'T!
NC (VO): Apparently there's this weird dildo thing (thermometer) at the top of the screen that slowly changes to red the closer you get to the exit. But so far it's just been blue because I have no idea how to get out of this place. God, how am I supposed to get out of here, every room looks exactly the same. (sigh) Still blue. Still blue. Wait a minute, it's changing, it's changing color! Alright, lemme try over here! Ah, blue, dammit! And I can't go back in this fucking door. Let me try it again. Blue...blue... (gasp) it's changing, it's changing! There it goes, it's getting darker! Oh my God, it's almost red! I knew it, I knew I could do it, I knew I could pull it o-
(Time runs out; NC simply looks at the screen in disbelief for awhile, then slowly gets angry, then lets out a roar like a dinosaur and rips the game out of the system and starts beating it with the hammer.)
NC: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!
(He beats it with his hand, stomps on it, chews on it, beats it with both of his hands, shoots it, beats it with the hammer again, spits on it, and destroys it with his foot.)
NC: (breathless) Ahem. ...THIS IS THE WORST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! It sucks ass, it sucks balls, it just...sucks! Well, if you think this is gonna get rid of me, Angry Video Game Nerd, you are much mistaken. Sure, I will need years of psychological therapy to recover from this, but that doesn't mean you've heard the last of me. All I can say, Angry Video Game Nerd, is fuck this game, and fuck you for making me play it!
(Kyle Justin attempts to start the song again.)
Kyle: ♫ He's the Angry Video Game--
NC: OH SHUT UP!
Kyle: ...Critic. ♫