February 09, 2010
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And perhaps some of you remember my video game review of Bébé’s Kids.
(Cut to footage from the review, with the Critic destroying the cartridge.)
NC: I didn't like it, so I guess the best way to torture me some more is to show me the original film that it was based off of.
(The poster of a movie called Remains of the Day pops up.)
NC: No. No, but good guess. Surprisingly it's under the exact same title, simply known as Bébé's Kids.
(The title screen for Bébé’s Kids is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie.)
NC: From what I understand, Bébé’s Kids was the first animated movie to feature an entire African-American cast. And it would be seventeen years before they figured out how to do it right (referring to the 2009 Disney animated film The Princess and the Frog). But you can't expect perfection the first time around. How about just...competence? ...Yeah, we-we don't really get that either.
NC: What do we get? Well, sit back before I beat the black off of ya! (quickly points to the camera in defense) It's a line from the movie! This is Bébé’s Kids.
NC (voiceover): So the film is based off the stand-up of the late Robin Harris, so it starts off by showing us a bit of his act.
(Cut to the film, showing Harris performing the sketch.)
Robin Harris: "Whose kids are those?" Those are Bébé’s kids. "Tell me, are those your kids?" I said, "Nah; no way, those aren't my kids. Them Bébé's Kids."
NC (voiceover): Why is it I get the feeling he would act the same way about the movie being released?
(Cut to NC in his chair)
NC: (in a different voice) "Did you make this movie!?" (as Robin Harris) "No no, no no man. No, no. That was Bébé’s kids."
NC (voiceover): So we see Harris as his animated self, telling the story about how he got into so much trouble, to a blind bartender...Huh. Not to be mean, but isn't that like giving the job of a DJ to a deaf person?
Robin Harris: (from here on out, the animated Harris) I knew she was trouble. (grabs the bartender's collar and pulls him back) I should have known it when I met her; it was at a funeral!
(Dissolve to flashback)
NC (voiceover): That's right, our story starts at a funeral. Appropriate start.
Robin Harris: (noticing Jamika) OH! Look at this good house. MAN! She's so fine, she makes me want to get a job.
NC: (scoffs) You mean a chubby, unattractive male gets a saucy, hot as hell female? A-HA, in what media?
Guy 1: She puts me in the mind of Player's Magazine.
Guy 2: You sure look good in black, baby,
Jamika: Hmph. (walks out disgusted)
NC: (as one of the guys) "My god, you'd think she was at a FUNERAL or something."
NC: (voiceover) So Robin approaches this hottie of a woman, and tries to ask her out.
Robin Harris: Excuse me miss, I didn't catch your name.
Jamika: Didn't throw it.
Robin Harris: Well, my name is Robin.
Jamika: Robin? Hm, that explains the red vest.
NC: (as Robin Harris) "Oh, come on, honey, I'm just DYING to know your name. Ha! Get it? DYING to know your name? See, it's a little funeral humor there. See, I can get away with that 'cause I'm gonna be dead before this movie ever comes out. (chuckles) ...That joke was Bébé's Kids."
NC (voiceover): So, he finds out the woman's name is Jamika, and they tend to hit it off. She picks up her kid named Leon from the babysitter and invites Robin to come along with her to an amusement park called Fun World. Of course, he agrees.
(Robin Harris picks his nose as he's driving.)
NC (voiceover): That was nice, movie. Thank you. That was, what, 500 frames of animation to bring that moment to the big screen? Well worth the time and money.
Robin Harris: (shocked as he sees Bébé’s Kids) She's got three more kids with her!
NC (voiceover): So Robin is finally introduced to Bébé’s Kids.
Jamika: This is LaShawn.
(LaShawn is seen brushing her doll’s hair and Robin leans in.)
Robin: Curler #1.
(LaShawn brushes on a hard knot in the doll’s hair and inadvertently strikes at Robin’s face with the brush.)
Jamika: This is Kahlil.
(Robin shakes hands with Kahlil.)
Robin: What’s up, little…
Kahlil: What’s up?
Jamika: And this is little Pee-Wee.
Pee-Wee (a baby): (speaks in a deep voice) Pee-Wee, the O. G.
NC: GODDAMNIT, it’s that guy with the deep voice again! You know, the one from Blank Check, Ferngully and Surf Ninjas? (And Ace Ventura: Pet Detective) What’s his name again? (A clip from the opening credits of Blank Check shows Tone Lōc’s credit) Tone Lōc? Stop following me, Tone Lōc! (Beat) Or is it…Tone Loak? T-Tonay Lock? Tone-T-Tone Lokey? T-Tone Lock…
Linkara: Tone Loak? Tahney Locke?
Benzaie: Tour de France?
NC: Tone-Knack Paddy Whack Give the Dog a Loc?
AngryJoe: Tone Lock? Or maybe T. Lock!
Phelous: Tony Locke?
Benzaie (in French): Transport Frigorifique Européen? (a European cold and frozen food transport company)
NC: Toplitonium. No, no, that’s way off.
Linkara: Tone Lōc Picard?
AngryJoe: T. One. Lock. Wait, maybe it’s…
NC: Tony the Tiger? I…
Phelous: ...Anthony Terrell Smith...? (his real name)
NC: Tone Luke. Tone…Lauka…
God (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail): GET ON WITH IT!
NC: Oh, yeah! Anyway…
NC (voiceover): Bottom line, the baby talks. And…it’s weird. It’s really weird. Actually, it’s like a primordial Stewie Griffin; it’s just crazy.
Stewie Griffin (dubbed by NC in the style of Tone Lōc): Damn, you vile woman. You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped your womb. (Beat) Oh, yeah.
NC (voiceover): So they reach the half-assed Emerald City, but before they can go in, they’re stopped by security.
Security Guard #1: (to Kahlil) You just remember…we’ll be watching you.
Security Guard #2: Are you starting trouble?
Security Guard #1: Probably a troublemaker.
NC: (as a security guard and wears Matrix sunglasses) Mister African American.
Ticket Vendor: (hands the following to Robin) Here are your tickets, programs, maps, senior citizen discount cards, tennis shoes, a basketball, mugs, decals, bumper stickers…
NC (voiceover): Dude, I wish I got all that stuff when I went into an amusement park! All I get are coupons that actually adds more to the product than it does deduct!
Ticket Vendor: Observe the rules while in Fun World. (She points to the rules list, which reaches sky high.) No running, no jumping, no yelling, no cutting in line, no grumbling…
NC: Yeah, where’s the sign that says “No bevis, no vibes”? (A screenshot of such a display of rules from the Bébé’s Kids video game is shown.)
Ticket Vendor: No sad faces, bad attitude, introspective moments, irritation at the mindless…
NC: Jesus, are they entering North Korea?
Ticket Vendor: Enjoy your stay.
NC (voiceover): So they get inside and set the kids loose. And as you’d imagine, they run a riot.
(Scenes of LaShawn and Kahlil causing trouble and chasing after other park guests are shown.)
NC (voiceover): You know, this would actually be a pretty decent ad for birth control. I mean, couldn’t you just see the little condom pop up on the screen?
(Another scene of LaShawn and Kahlil causing chaos is shown with the logo for “Trojan Condoms” appearing and NC’s caption, “Dude, is it worth it?”)
Robin: That they just started, well, I’m tired of this! I’m not your daddy, but I ain’t having it!
NC (voiceover): Oh, by the way, did I mention that this is probably the worst rap ever? It sounds like it’s being made up on the spot! (Beat) In a bad way!
Robin: (raps off-screen) What are the kind of kids that have been nowhere, ‘cause Bébé’s taught all, you just don’t care.
NC: (as Robin, rapping) I got me a chicken and a couple oranges, but Bébé’s kids, they…(gives up) fuck.
Gift Shop Employee: (as Robin leaves the store and grabs the two kids, ignoring the employee) Excuse me, sir, but I have to charge you for the items your kids manhandled in the store.
NC: Ladies and gentlemen, that was another…(NC’s title card “Pointless Moment” drops from up above.) pointless moment. In fact, I’m just gonna do a count of how many pointless moments there are in this movie. And “picking the nose” moment counts as one of them. (The counter of “Pointless Moments” appears camera left and starts at 2.) Look at that number going up! It’s gonna go up!
Jamika: Where did Pee-Wee go?
Kahlil: I ain’t saying jack.
Robin: If you don’t tell me where your little brother is, I’ll beat the black off of you!
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the first animated film to have an all-African-American cast utters its first great historical line.
Detective Virgil Tibbs (from In the Heat of the Night): They call me Mr. Tibbs.
Doughboy (from Boyz n the Hood): Either they don’t know, don’t show, or don’t care about what’s going on in the hood.
Robin: I’m gonna beat the black off of you, and you’re gonna look lighter than Michael Jackson.
(Kahlil points to the House of Glass attraction as we hear glass shattering inside.)
NC (voiceover): House of Glass? Oh, good! I can’t wait for them to make a shitty video game level off of that. So after he (Robin) calms down the kids, he runs into an old familiar face: his ex-wife, who, for some reason, was born without boobs.
Dorothea: Hello, Robin. Long time no see.
NC: Why is she wearing a ballerina skirt as a top?
Robin: (walks away to speak to himself) Was she born to torture me? Look at her. Can’t even wear high-heel shoes. Just sliding and sliding all over the place. Smoke coming out, look like a train coming down the aisle.
(Cut back to the present)
Robin: I remember one time she went into Lane Bryant.
NC: Oh, losing the story and going into stand-up. Come on, bring it back, bring it back to the story, come on, come on, come on, bring it back, bring it back to the story, come on—
(Cut to the flashback)
NC (voiceover): Here we are! We have plot again…barely. So they look around for rides to enjoy, and I have to admit this part is kind of funny.
(The silhouette of a roller coaster train goes down a roller coaster and ends up flying off the track and presumably crashes as Robin and the gang wince at the sight of the crash.)
NC (voiceover): They go on a couple rides, annoy Robin whenever they can, and one of the kids even pukes in the middle of their fun.
(A clip of Leon puking off-screen while on one of the rides is shown; cut to Robin cleaning Leon up with a hose and a small towel.)
Robin: I’m just glad it didn’t happen on the roller coaster, or you would have gotten me, too. (laughs)
(Leon runs up to hug Jamika, and Robin watches with a smile as though emotionally touched by the scene.)
NC (voiceover): Aww, it’s the touching “hosing down the kid” scene. Don’t you wish they had that scene in The Sandlot? (A clip from the The Sandlot is shown with Hamilton “Ham” Porter throwing up while on a spinning ride, Trabant with a few girls having gotten off the ride and running away screaming.)
NC: Me, neither.
“Ham” Porter (from The Sandlot): (is off the Trabant and burps) Oh, that feels better.*
- Note: "Ham" Porter wasn't the only one throwing up on the ride. His friends have also done so because they got sick from the speed, the ups and downs, and also, they were chewing tobacco at the same time.
NC (voiceover): So they let the kids go off on their own, as Robin and Jamika ride the Tunnel of Second Base.
Jamika: You really have been sweet with the kids today, Robin. You know, you’re really good with them.
Jamika: You know, you’re really good with them.
NC: …Really? Because he looks like an asshole to me! But…maybe I’m missing something. I mean, hell, maybe this is, like, a brand new way of parenting. This really clever subtle way that really shows how much love you can give. Maybe this way is going to totally change the way we look at parenting—
Robin (from earlier in the film): (to Kahlil) I’m gonna beat the black off of you!
Robin: (to Leon) Don’t fight fair.
Robin: (to Bébé’s kids) I’m going to drop you like a bad habit.
Robin: (to Leon) Knock the hell out of them kids!
Robin: (to Bébé’s kids) Test-tube baby.
NC: Yeah, he’s an asshole.
Robin: Just scoot them baby hips over.
Jamika: Boy, you crazy.
(The camera zooms in on one of her eyes as the white reflection on her eye turns into white birds, starting a music video sequence.)
NC (voiceover): (as Robin) Whoa, hold on, baby! You’ve got a music video in your eyes!
(The music video sequence continues with Robin and Jamika dancing near a jazz band.)
Background Singer: Been here just like this before.
NC: Yeah, I told them not to drink the water.
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, you might be wondering, “What the hell is this all about?” Well, in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, especially in confused animated films, they would have a music video. They serve absolutely no purpose and— (In the music video, Jamika is seen swaying her hips toward the camera before it does a closeup on her butt and she walks away.) DAMN! Oh, anyway, they serve no purpose, and to be honest, the majority of Big-Lipped Alligator Moments probably came from this. But hey, look on the bright side. (Long pause) Eh, I got nothing.
Background Singers: I’m gonna give you all my love.
NC (voiceover): You know, I think they figured it was cheaper to do line drawings, so…hell, it’s just called a music video. That’ll explain it.
(Robin and Jamika have finished their ride on the Tunnel of Love.)
NC: This has been another… (cue the “Pointless Moment” title card) pointless moment. (The number 3 is added to the “Pointless Moments” counter.)
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Leon tries fitting in with the other kids, but doesn’t seem to do very well.
Pee-Wee: So, what’s up with that? Y’all gonna scrap or give a hug?
(Leon and LaShawn end up kissing each other on the lips.)
Kahlil: Go on, kiss her. (Leon and LaShawn finish their kiss with drool hanging off of each other.) Hah, we got ‘em good! (He and Pee-Wee laugh.) Look at that expression on her face. (LaShawn gets pissed and walks off before Kahlil and Pee-Wee go up to Leon.) Mack daddy, Leon.
Pee-Wee: Oh, yeah, player of the year.
NC: This has been another… (cue the “Pointless Moment” title card) pointless moment. (The number 4 is added to the “Pointless Moments” counter.)
NC (voiceover): So the kids run around the amusement park causing trouble until…
Background Singers: (Sing "Here Come the Men in Black" from Men in Black)
Security Guard #2: Unsupervised minors are prohibited from engaging in unauthorized leisure activities.
(LaShawn blows a bubble gum bubble and pops it.)
Security Guard #3: Yeah, no laying around.
Security Guard #2: (picks up all the kids in his arms) Allow me to escort you to my personal favorite. (chuckles)
(Cut to the security guards strapping the kids tight on a train ride.)
Security Guard #2: Safety first.
Kahlil: Let me go!
Security Guard #1: Pull them in tighter.
Security Guard #3: Good night, Gracie.
(The train begins its ride through the indoor attraction.)
Train Ride Background Singers: Fun World turns onto basic assumption…
NC: (recoils uncomfortably) Ahh! Mr. Toad’s Tripped-Out Ride!
Train Ride Background Singers: If our hand in your pants feels like a grand resumption…
NC (voiceover): They manage to get out and convince a bunch of other kids to get out and spread the chaos.
Winthrop: Wow, who are you guys?
Kahlil: We Bébé’s kids.
Richard: Bébé’s kids?
Pee-Wee: Yeah. We don’t die; we multiply.
NC: (brightly) Unlike your ticket sales! (Beat) They just die!
Kahlil: (to Winthrop) What’s your name, man?
Winthrop: My name’s Winthrop.
Kahlil: Winthrop? (chuckles) No, man, we calling you Opie.
(In the following scenario, reenacting a scene from the TV miniseries,Roots, NC sits camera left to face camera right and pretends to whip a different person (presumably Winthrop) off-screen.)
NC: Your name is Opie! (He whips his “rope”.)
“Winthrop”: (shudders as he speaks) Winthrop…
NC: YOUR NAME IS OPIE! (He whips again.)
“Winthrop”: (shudders as he speaks) Winthrop!
NC: Opie is a perfectly nice name. (Beat, then pretends to whip his rope once more.)
(Back to the movie)
Richard: My name’s Richie.
LaShawn: Like the comic book “Richie”? Damn, you kids got some corny names.
Richard: What’s your name?
NC: And if you can, please say it without rapping—
Kahlil: (begins to rap) I’m the jaw breaker…
NC: —you son of a bitch.
Kahlil: (raps) The candy taker, and if I skip school, I’m the flu faker.
Pee-Wee: (raps) Shorty, The O.G. with all the clout / Lip smacking for what’s under the blouse.
NC: Jesus, I never thought I’d say this, but…where’s Ice when you need him?
Vanilla Ice (from Cool as Ice): (raps) Don’t look back, whack / Go take a nap...
All three Bébé’s Kids: (rap) It goes three for the treble and two for the bass / We’re Bébé’s kids and we’re wrecking this place.
NC: Hell, where’s Kazaam when you need him?!
Kazaam: Let’s green egg and ham it!
NC: Wait! No! No! Go back to the kids, go back to the kids!
(Cut back to Kahlil rapping some more)
NC: (sighs with relief) That’s much better after the, uh…after the Kazaam thing.
All three Bébé’s Kids: (rap) Straight jacking!
(A few of the park's mascots run away.)
NC: (as the mascots, in a high-pitched voice) Run for your lives! They have attitudes! Attitudes!
Security Guard #3: (points) Look! There they are!
NC: (as a security guard, pretending to speak into a secret microphone) Sir, we’re gonna need back up on this. It appears we have attitude.
“Security Guard Boss”: (voice on the other end) Attitude?
(Close-up on NC’s face)
NC: Attitude. (Cue a dramatic music string)
NC (voiceover): So we cut to Robin and Jamika as she goes into the ladies room, trying to powder her scribbled nose. But then Black Ethel and Black Lucy come in to sabotage their relationship.
Dorothea: (to Vivian as Jamika listens in) My man Robin came over last night. Oh, he’s good to me, but he’s so mean to the kids.
Vivian: That’s a damn shame. You love him?
Dorothea: Mmm-hmm. (Jamika has left the ladies room, and she and Vivian laugh.) Did we psyche her out or what?
(Cut to a lipstick having fallen in the sink and letting the water run on it before the camera pans down on it as the lipstick’s oil drains out.)
Vivian: Did you see her face?
Dorothea: I know! I know!
Vivian: I ain’t seen nobody that mad since I saw Robin in divorce court.
NC: I guess the lipstick in the sink was symbolic. (Beat) The hole in the sink representing the trouble that lies ahead, and the lipstick representing the fact that this movie blows.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the kids are held hostage by the Terminator while a robotic Abraham Lincoln tries to save them, but this mechanical bear pops up and—okaaay!
NC: I went too far, obviously. Let’s go back and see what we missed.
NC (voiceover): Okay, they snuck in a building…there’s the Terminator…there’s Lincoln…there’s the mechanical bear…ohhhh, and a robotic Nixon!
NC: Okay, this all suddenly makes sense!
NC (voiceover): So…the animatronics are holding a trial to see if the kids are worth electrocuting to death as Abe Lincoln and Richard Nixon defend their sides…
NC: (Stares at the camera clearly confused before pulling out a white box labeled “ACID” and tries to pour out its contents, only to find it’s empty, to which he shrugs and shakes his head.) Nope, the movie’s just weird.
NC (voiceover): So, how do they get out of this…extremely surreal predicament? By rapping, of course!
Leon: (raps) Ladies and gentlemen of the court / You’re about to witness a brand new sport / Where you’re on the offense and I’m on the defense / So let’s see if we can make some sense.
NC (voiceover): I don’t know what it is, but something about this kid reminds me of Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. (An image of Carlton appears) In fact, this was probably his wet dream: A rap song about the justice system!
Leon: (raps) Now it’s time to rest my case and get the verdict face to face / (grabs his crotch and continues rapping) Wave your hands…
NC (voiceover): OK, so he needs to go into therapy for a couple of years now.
Background Singers: Freedom!
Background Singers: Freedom!
NC (voiceover): (as the Terminator, serving as judge) I do not consider the ramifications of a well put together rap. I deem this…fly.
Pee-Wee: (raps) Y’all say I’m wild, but I’m only a child / What Bébé’s kids really need is Freedom.
Background Singers: Freedom!
NC: That’s right! Give us the privilege to destroy things and hurt others! That’s what the justice system is all about! (He claps his hands once, raises them up high and bops his head to the beat of the song.)
(The kids and all the animatronics begin to dance.)
Background Singers: Freedom! Freedom!
NC (Voiceover): I’m seriously confused and afraid of this scene right now, so I’m just gonna go to the next one.
(Cut to the ladies room with an argument going on between Robin, Jamika, Dorothea and Vivian.)
Dorothea: (to Jamika) I see some women can’t do anything without a man.
Robin: Why you lie on me? Don’t you know this kind of game only brings me and Jamika closer?
NC: I’m sorry, I refuse to believe that this man has two women going after him! I mean, look at him! He looks like an overstuffed tomato! The only woman who would go after him is a drunk gardener!
Dorothea: (to Robin) Your mama.
Robin: My mama?
Dorothea: Yeah, your whole family.
Robin: Hey, girl, look at you. Your mama so old, she was there the first day of slavery.
Dorothea: Your mama so old, she’s older than your grandmamma.
Robin: Your mama so fat…
NC: And it looks like we went (flips off at the camera with both hands) “Fuck you” to the story again. We’ll just wait for the standup to be over.
Robin: Your mama so fat, she on…
NC: Yeah, both sides.
Dorothea: That’s OK, your mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Robin: Your mama so dumb, they told her it was chilly outside… she went out and got a bowl.
NC: Yep. “Chili,” get a bowl. Yep.
(Vivian laughs; NC sarcastically laughs a little.)
Robin: (to Jamika) You ready to go, baby? Come on, let’s get out of here.
NC (voiceover): OK, the story is back, sort of. So the kids take over one of the amusement park ships and sail it around crashing into other ships. It’s pretty lame, but it’s still better than Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
(Cut to Robin and Jamika taking a row boat to get to the kids.)
Jamika: Come on, let’s go get the kids!
Robin: (rows the boat) I ain’t stuttin’ those kids, Jamika. If you were smart, you’d come right along with me.
NC (voiceover): So Robin—being as wonderful as he is with kids and all—tries to ditch the brats behind and leave without them. But the kids make it back before he can leave, meaning they’re leaving this good ol’ Disney World knockoff behind them.
(As Robin, Jamika and the kids drive home, Fun World starts collapsing behind them.)
NC (voiceover): (as Mickey Mouse) DAMN YOU, BÉBÉ’S KIDS! THE MOUSE WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ON YOU! I WILL SEE YOU PERISH IN FLAMES! I HAVE CONNECTIONS TO THE LORD OF DARKNESS! YOUR ASS IS GRASS! THEY WON’T RECOGNIZE YOUR BODIES! I WILL STEAL YOUR SOULS, BÉBÉ’S KIIIIIDS! (His voice slowly trails off)
(Now I thought the devil was through when he made Rosemary's Baby. But oh no! Oh no! Now we've got Bébé's Kids!)
NC (voiceover): (Normal) So Robin finally drops them off at their home as Leon says goodbye.
(Leon and LaShawn stare at each other in wonder for a while before she slaps him and runs off laughing.)
NC: This has been another… (cue the “Pointless Moment” title card) pointless moment. (The number 5 is added to the “Pointless Moments” counter.) Oh, forgot the trial scene. (The number 6 is added to the “Pointless Moments” Counter.)
NC (voiceover): So he takes them home and sees just what a lonely life these kids live, as Bebe still hasn’t returned home and even leaves a note asking Robin to feed them.
Robin: (He hands a dollar bill to Kahlil, who takes it.) Here’s $10. Call the pizza man.
Pee-Wee: (takes the dollar bill off of Kahlil) He don’t come around here no more. (Robin gets up) You leaving?
Robin: Well…I’m sure she’ll be home soon. Just keep the door locked, alright? (LaShawn’s lips quiver in sadness.)
NC: Aww. All those little terrorists needed this whole time was a daddy, which…isn’t a bad moral, except that this guy is a TERRIBLE PARENT! Who the hell would want this guy looking after their kids?! He’s an asshole!!
(Robin gets back in the car.)
Jamika: Now do you understand?
Robin: I never said Bebe needs a good relative.
NC (voiceover): But even assholes have a change of heart after, oh, an hour and a half of film time.
(Back to the present)
Robin: What am I doing? I gotta go meet those kids. I can’t just leave them. (He leaves the bar and sees Jamika standing there) Oh! Jamika.
NC: (as Robin) Ooh, sorry I left you out there the whole time I was telling the story. I guess I got a little side-tracked.
NC (voiceover): So he decides to go back and hang out with the kids a while longer.
Pee-Wee: So what are we doing next, Mr. Harris? How about Las Vegas?
Kahlil and LaShawn: Yeah, Vegas!
Robin: Vegas? I ain’t going to no Vegas.
NC: OK, obviously they don’t go to Vegas, but that doesn’t stop them from at least dropping by—
(Cut to the group in Las Vegas)
NC (voiceover): VEGAS?! GOD, WHAT A DUMBASS PARENT! I mean, is he really that great a guy simply because he doesn’t leave them? For God’s sakes, he yells at them, ditches them, encourages them to beat the CRAP out of each other, but because he doesn’t leave, that makes him a suitable guardian?
NC: That’s like saying “Oh, yeah! He’s killed 500 people, but…at least he’s not Hitler!”
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks.)
NC (voiceover): Bottom line, this movie is stupid. Is it a god-awful film? Well, I can’t go that far. The animation is nice and colorful, and I got to give it credit. For the time it came out and every animated film was Disney or a Disney knockoff, this did take a few risks. It at least tried something different, but different doesn’t always work, and this film has no idea if it wants to be for kids or adults. I mean, granted, I liked it when I was a kid, but that’s just because I was rebellious. As an adult, it should either be gritty, grownup humor or a very clever funny family picture. You can’t have it both ways; you have to pick a side. The morals get confused, but above all, the audiences get confused, and that’s reason enough to call this a very annoying film.
NC: But look on the bright side: it did teach me the proper way to say Tone Lōc. T-Tone Loak, T-T-Tone Lock, T-Tone…
Linkara: Tone Lois?
NC (voiceover): T-Tony LoPrado?
Benzaie: Bomborie bomboraya.
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave and speaks to himself.) Tone Hahnsel? Hahnsel? Hahnsel.
Channel Awesome Tagline—Robin: Test-tube baby.