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Beauty and the Beast Part 1 (With Some Jerk With A Camera
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Original Air Date
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September 9, 2014
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Running time
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21:35
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Show
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Brows Held High
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Link
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(We open to black with "Brows Held High" title in the style of the 1991 "Beauty and the Beast" title. We also get the instrumental of the song "Belle" from the same film. The scene than transitions to Kyle Kallgren aka Oancitizen, walking the hall of Gaylord National Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland for MAGfest 12. He is carrying a book of "Beauty and the Beast" that he has been reading and then notices the audience,)
KYLE: (Sings)
Brows Held High, my respected web show
I opine for a couple bucks
Brows Held High, everybody loves it
All my colleagues say...
(Cut to various reviewers at their reviewing areas from their shows, holding up dvds, books, comics, and a guitar (in Todd in the Shadows' case, could be a guitar hero or rock band game) they are reviewing)
PUSHING UP ROSES: It sucks!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It sucks!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It sucks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It sucks!
(Cut back to Kyle)
KYLE: (Rolls his eyes at their negativity) Figures (Gets back to singing) In 1946 the Reich had fallen
And France no longer said “Sieg Heil!”
And from this new status quo
Came a man named Jean Cocteau
And he made a fairy tale...
(Almost passes Linkara)
LINKARA: Good morning, Kyle!
KYLE: Good morning Monsieur!
LINKARA: Where are you off to?
KYLE: Reviewing a movie. I found the most wonderful story about the nature of love and the creative process and an allusion to Orpheus...
LINKARA: (Doesn't care what Kyle just said) That’s nice. (to someone off screem) Viga! More cybermats! Hurry up!
(Linkara walks away. Kyle shrugs and continues to walk and read, passing Nash, Film Brain, Rap Critic, Obscurus Lupa, and Phelous in the hall)
NASH, FILM BRAIN and RAP CRITIC: (Singing) Look there he goes
He thinks he’s smart or something
A most pretentious cinephile
OBSCURUS LUPA: (Singing) With a condescending gaze
PHELOUS: (Singing) And an allergy to praise
ALL FIVE: (Singing) What a brows-held-highfalutin prick, that Kyle!
(Cut to more reviewers with dvds, books, and other things to review)
(Singing)
CHRIS THE NERD: It sucks!
ANONNE: It blows!
MISS NIGHTMARE: It raped my childhood!
MIKEY INSANITY: It’s bad!
MEDIA HUNTER: It’s worse!
LINKARA: It's Uwe Boll!
(Rosenhacker, Shea, and R.L.King are at a table)
ROSENHACKER: It's dumb!
SHEA: It’s weird!
R.L. KING: It’s got Ben Affleck!
KYLE: (pops up from behind them) It delves into a tortured artist's soul!
(Spoken)
ALL THREE: What?
ROSENHACKER: How is this art?
R.L. KING: Artists have souls?
SHEA: I can torture Sam Kieth?!
(In the hotel, Ven Gethenian, his title card artist, runs up to Kyle, giving him a hug)
(Spoken)
Ven Gethenian: Hi, Kyle!
Kyle: Hi, Ven. You caught me in the middle of my next musical episode.
Ven: Ohh! Can I sing?
Kyle: (Doesn't want her too) Well, I'd have to write you a whole bit and do a...uh...er...
Ven: (Grabs him by the lapel) Kyle, I have been working with you for years. I am just as good a singer as, if not better. (grabs him closer, to his face) I need to sing!
Kyle: 9a little scared) Yes.
Ven: (let's him go) Really?
Kyle: Ven, I can't let you not sing. I refuse to do a musical episode including a sub-plot (gets a little angry) where someone tries to sing but can't. (Gets angrier) It is literally the only character trait that Doug (Walker) has ever written for me, I refuse to do it! (Grabs her by the shoulders)
- See To Boldly Flee part 7 and Moulin Rouge
Ven: When do we start?
Kyle: Later, I'm doing a bit! (Walks away)
Ven: Okay!
(Cut to Kyle reading and walking again, passing Diamanda Hagan and Omega Geek)
(Singing)
DIAMANDA HAGAN: He only touches films we’ve never heard of
Can you believe he has such guile?
OMEGA GEEK: Why should we click on a link
If we don’t know what to think?
BOTH: No, I just don’t understand the ways of Kyle.
(Cut to Kyle at a fountain)
KYLE: Oh, it needs no announcing,
Just how many hearts this tale has moved.
Ev’n if they fail pronouncing
The name “Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve”
(spoken)
Girl offscreen: It's Jeanne-Marie Lerince de Beaumont, dip shit!
Kyle: He just did the abridged version!
Girl: Still wrong!
Kyle: (Angry) I will fight you on this!
(We see Kyle fighting the girl and losing, Paw pops up, in front of the fight.)
(Singing)
PAW: Hello, I’m Paw and now it’s time for Best/Worst!
The best is obviously me!
And the worst is yonder snob (Points at Kyle)
Who disliked Les Misérables
Do I really have to spell it out?
(A Chorus of his wife (Elisa Hansen), That Sci-fi Guy, Doggans, Doggans' brother (Nicholas Ganssle), and other reviewers i don't know of)
CHORUS: I think you have to spell it out
PAW AND CHORUS: Alright, let’s spell it out! K-Y-L-E!
(Cut to Some Jerk With a Camera, finishing a review, we get the POV of the camera, shot in a different screen ration than the rest of episode)
(spoken)
SOME JERK WITH A CAMERA: And that's why I think Walt Disney should have been played by Samuel L. Jackson.
(Cut to the Jerk Being filmed by Masked Slasher, screen ratio is normal)
JERK: Until next time, I'm Some Jerk With a Camera.
Masked Slasher: (Extactic) Aw, that was an awesome shot, Jerk! (Hands camera back to Jerk), Why, you gotta be the greatest, whitest, male, Jewish, overweight, long-haired, bespectacled theme park reviewer over 30, the world has ever known!
(Jerk looks pretty smug about Masked Slasher's praise. Blows on the camera, like some from a gun)
JERK: i know.
ML: No ride alive can withstand your review! And no reviewer, for that matter!
JERK: (Puts and arm over ML) It's true, Masked Slasher. And I'm pointing my camera at that one.
(He points to Kyle, who is on the ground, the girl just kicking him while he's down).
ML: (Unsure) The Brows Held High guy?
JERK: He's the one! The lucky reviewer I introduce to the magic of mass entertainment!
ML: Oh, but he's-
JERK: The most pretentious reviewer online!
ML: I know, but-
JERK:: (Turns to ML) That makes him the worst! (Grabs ML by his shirt collar, get in his face) And don't I not fail to never not deserve the worst?
ML: (Unsure) Y-Y-Yes.
(Singing)
JERK: (Throws ML offscreen, turns to the camera) In 1991 the Mouse was thriving
With Eisner, Katzenberg and Wells
When the studio unveiled
A new-fangled fairy tale
With a story line that rang a couple Belles....
(Jerk walks off frame, passing the fan girl chorus)
FANGIRL CHORUS: Hey look! Some Jerk!
He’s got a camera!
Who’s he? Dunno
I thought you knew
I think he does
Reviews of Disney
I’ve never seen his show so I’ve no clue
(Jerk then follows Kyle, who walks trough the annual Magfest Nerf battle, featuring several reviewers. Kyle is still reading, unaware of the battle. We hear voice overs of other critics sining)
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It blows!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's crap!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's shit!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It's worse than cancer!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's overrated!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's meh!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's drek!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's bleh!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's wack!
PUSHING UP ROSES: I feel unclean!
KYLE: So let's review!
Sampled Vocal: It stinks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It hurts!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's hell!
BENNETT THE SAGE: I HATE!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It has no answers!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's not that good!
(actual singing on screen)
KYLE: A timeless masterpiece of silver screen!
(The nerf battle has stopped, parted between Jerk.)
JERK: I’ll make that guy review a film we’ve SEEN!
(fighters all step in front of Jerk)
CHORUS of nerf battle fighters: Look over there at the annoying douchebag
Who puts the artsy crap on trial!
What a wretched human bein’!
INSANE IAN: I like him!
JERK: Shut up, Ian!
KYLE: For my show’s next cinematic feast
I’m doing Beauty and the Beast!
(Jerk links his arm with Kyle)
JERK: Well ya better do it RIGHT at least!
(Jerk snaps his fingers with his free hand. the 2 are then teleported to Disney Land, much to Kyle's surprise. At Disneyland, Kyle is now wearing a Mickey Mouse themed tie.)
CHORUS: HE’S KYYYYYYYYYLE!
It sucks! It sucks! It sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks!
(Song ends. Kyle is uncomfortable with this change)
(Spoken)
Kyle: I've been whisked away to a Disney theme park. I am as the boy who met the world.
Jerk: (as he takes off his magfest lanyard) Magic of the jump cut, my friend. Welcome to the happiest place on Harbour Bulevard!
Kyle: I feel like a targeted demographic.
Jerk: That'll go away.
Kyle: (Finally noticing his tie) Why is my tie covered in Mickeys?
Jerk: Oh, that's a side effect of the teleportation. it'll probably go back and forth randomly throughout this video. (puts his arm over Kyle) Come on, cheer up! We're at Disneyland!
Kyle: But...why?
Jerk: Well, i figured if you're gonna do Disney, why not go to the source?
Kyle: Disney?
Jerk: You're reviewing "Beauty and the Beast," yes?
Kyle; "La Belle et La Bete," oui.
Jerk: Okay, my German's a little rusty, but I'm flattered and I don't swing that way. (Starts to walk away)
Kyle: Were you not listening during the song? Jean Cocteau's "La Belle et La Bete!"
(Cut to a trailer for La Belle et La Bete")
Kyle (v/o): Released in 1946
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