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Beauty and the Beast Part 1 (With Some Jerk With A Camera
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Original Air Date
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September 9, 2014
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Running time
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21:35
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Show
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Brows Held High
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Link
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(We open to black with "Brows Held High" title in the style of the 1991 "Beauty and the Beast" title. We also get the instrumental of the song "Belle" from the same film. The scene than transitions to Kyle Kallgren aka Oancitizen, walking the hall of Gaylord National Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland for MAGfest 12. He is carrying a book of "Beauty and the Beast" that he has been reading and then notices the audience,)
KYLE: (Sings)
Brows Held High, my respected web show I opine for a couple bucks Brows Held High, everybody loves it All my colleagues say...
PUSHING UP ROSES: It sucks!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It sucks!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It sucks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It sucks!
KYLE: (Rolls his eyes at their negativity) Figures (Gets back to singing)
In 1946 the Reich had fallen And France no longer said “Sieg Heil!” And from this new status quo Came a man named Jean Cocteau And he made a fairy tale...
(Almost passes Linkara)
LINKARA: Good morning, Kyle!
KYLE: Good morning Monsieur!
LINKARA: Where are you off to?
KYLE: Reviewing a movie. I found the most wonderful story about the nature of love and the creative process and an allusion to Orpheus...
LINKARA: (Doesn't care what Kyle just said) That’s nice. Viga! More cybermats! Hurry up!
NASH, FILM BRAIN and RAP CRITIC: Look there he goes He thinks he’s smart or something A most pretentious cinephile OBSCURUS LUPA: With a condescending gaze PHELOUS: And an allergy to praise ALL FIVE: What a brows-held-highfalutin prick, that Kyle!
CHRIS THE NERD: It sucks! IANONNE: It blows! MISS NIGHTMARE: It raped my childhood! MIKEY INSANITY: It’s bad! MEDIA HUNTER: It’s worse! LINKARA: It's Uwe Boll! ROSENHACKER: It's dumb! SHEA: It’s weird! R.L. KING: It’s got Ben Affleck! KYLE: It delves into a tortured artist's soul!
(Spoken)
ALL THREE: What?
ROSENHACKER: How is this art?
R.L. KING: Artists have souls?
SHEA: I can torture Sam Kieth?!
(my by Ven Gethenian, his title card artist.)
Ven Gethenian: Hi, Kyle!
DIAMANDA HAGAN: He only touches films we’ve never heard of Can you believe he has such guile? OMEGA GEEK: Why should we click on a link If we don’t know what to think? BOTH: No, I just don’t understand the ways of Kyle.
KYLE: Oh, it needs no announcing, Just how many hearts this tale has moved. Ev’n if they fail pronouncing The name “Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve”
PAW: Hello, I’m Paw and now it’s time for Best/Worst! The best is obviously me! And the worst is yonder snob Who disliked Les Misérables Do I really have to spell it out? CHORUS: I think you have to spell it out PAW AND CHORUS: Alright, let’s spell it out! K-Y-L-E!
JERK: In 1991 the Mouse was thriving With Eisner, Katzenberg and Wells When the studio unveiled A new-fangled fairy tale With a story line that rang a couple Belles....
FANGIRL CHORUS: Hey look! Some Jerk! He’s got a camera! Who’s he? Dunno I thought you knew I think he does Reviews of Disney I’ve never seen his show so I’ve no clue
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It blows!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's crap!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's shit!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It's worse than cancer!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's overrated!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's meh!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's drek!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's bleh!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's wack!
PUSHING UP ROSES: I feel unclean!
KYLE: So let's review!
Sampled Vocal: It stinks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It hurts!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's hell!
BENNETT THE SAGE: I HATE!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It has no answers!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's not that good!
KYLE: A timeless masterpiece of silver screen!
JERK: I’ll make that guy review a film we’ve SEEN!
CHORUS: Look over there at the annoying douchebag Who puts the artsy crap on trial! What a wretched human bein’! INSANE IAN: I like him! JERK: Shut up, Ian!
KYLE: For my show’s next cinematic feast I’m doing Beauty and the Beast! J
ERK: Well ya better do it RIGHT at least!
CHORUS: HE’S KYYYYYYYYYLE! It sucks! It sucks! It sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks!
credits