Beauty and the Beast G2 Part 1
September 4th, 2014
King: My god! *belches*
Phelous: I haven't had movie nightmares this bad since To Boldly Flee!
Mew Mew: Where I live I haven't any friends. But perhaps we could become friends.
Robin: Mmm... I don't know. I think we should be enemies.
Mew Mew: Certainly. But only because you've driven away my father.
Phelous: This is the same damn movie!
Phelous: What can I do? Wait, didn't I used to travel through time ala Doctor Who all the time?
Phelous: Ah, screw it, I'll just review Beauty and the Beast instead.
Phelous (vo): So you remember last time in Beauty and the Beast World how I told you there was two Golden Films Beauty and the Beasts? Or, did you try to forget? Well, if you did....
Phelous: TOO BAD!!!
Phelous (vo): This time, Golden Films is doing it on their own. No Goodtimes to be found here.
Voice 1: It's dark in here.
Voice 2: It's dark he says! This we can see, thank you! Tell us something we don't know, will ya?
Phelous (vo): Wow, some inane morons that turn out to be ghosts blabbing on about it being dark? Why nothing says Beauty and the Beast more than THAT!!!
Ghost 2: This is good. This sheds a little light on things.
Ghost 3: I hear someone coming!
Ghost 2: Come on guys, let's hide in here!
Ghost 1: Hey, that's a book.
Ghost 2: That's not just any book, it's a classic!
Phelous: It's great when I can't figure out if this, or the spoileriffic opening from the other Beauty and the Beast is more mind-numbingly stupid!
Narrator: ...one, a young girl, of beauty unsurpassed.
Phelous: This one wins.
Ghost 2: Is she something! Boy, as soon as I saw her I said, "she's something!"
Ghost 3: *as they fly off* I'm here to tell you boys, she's the one!
Ghost 2: Which one?
Ghost 3: The one we need!
Phelous (as Ghost 3): Let's force her into living the rest of her life with a Beast just to further our misrable lives!
Ghost 2: She could be the one, don't you think? She could be the one!
Ghost 1: She couldn't be NOT the one. Pass the salt!
Phelous (vo): So... why are Snap, Crackle, and Pop dead AND raiding this castle's kitchen? What assholes!
Ghost 1: What makes you so all-fired sure she--
Ghost 3: It's him! It's him, him, him! It's really him!
Phelous (vo): The Beast here is actually fairy close in design to ol' "I'm really scary, right?" It's just that he's brighter browns this time, and got a comb and a nose job. Overall, I'd say, not too bad, I'd only think this guy's cousin was a Goomba.
Phelous: Oh, come on!
Beast: What have you been up to?
Ghost 3: Who, us? Uh, eh, we’re just making dinner, boss.
Phelous: Wait, what? Why does the beast know them? Didn't they just enter this story? A.K.A. world?
Beast: Bah, all right then. Have your secrets. (He walks off)
Ghost 3: Oh, oh, this is so depressing!
Phelous (as the red ghost): What he really needs is a little "Snap! Crackle! Pop!" Kellogg's Rice Krispies!"
Beauty: *singing* I can't resist....
Phelous (vo): ABRUPT MUSIC NUMBER! Why the shit not?
Beauty: *singing* I long for the....
Phelous (vo): Prehistoric times, apparently. *singing* Beauty and the Dinosaur. With wacky unicorn neighbor!
Phelous: Why wasn't THAT the movie?
Phelous (vo): Oh, and not only is there a unicorn that they very quicky cut away from but there's also a pegasus! That Beauty and HUMAN Beast fly away on! Fell like you're missing something? Like the whole rest of the movie? Well, don't worry, it's just this movie is recreating the magic of musical spoilers from the other Beauty and the Beast. They just thought they'd delayed it slightly but also make it worse and last four damn minutes, and have a subplot about a dolphin!
Phelous: What? What am I watching again?
Phelous (vo): Can't wait for this dolphin to become a character...nope.
Phelous (as Old Man): Beauty! Were you smoking again? I’m afraid I have to let in the storm to teach you a lesson!
Beauty: My garden will be destroyed! I have to go see it!
Beauty's Father: Beauty, no! It's too dangerous out there!
Sister 1: If you so much as open that door you'll drown us all! Is that really what you want?
Sister 1: It's very simple you simple girl, what we want is more!
Beauty's Sisters: (singing) More, give us more
More is what we're living for
Phelous: No! For the good love of fuck, no!
Sister 1: Furs and jewels
I want I want
Sister 3: I would die for a croissant!
Phelous: 'Cause they're in France. I guess. That's the only clue this movie gives.
Sister 3: I must have a pie! No...ten! (This can be easily misheard as "pie mountain")
Sister 3: I must have a pie! No...ten!
Phelous (vo): Oh, no! Her father's gonna turn into a swan!
Phelous (vo): Oh never mind, sugar plum fairies, it's the dance of the Dick-Head Cereal Ghosts. And this time, they actually sing their song!
Ghosts: Get into the spirit
Get into the swing
Ghost 2: You're in the castle, so live like a king!
Phelous (as Ghosts): Just keep eating, ya' stupid fat ass! That's right, we're gonna get.... you.... killlllled!
Ghost 1: With capers and shallots
Ghost 2: A bowl for your fingers
Ghost 2: Eat yourself silly, but save room for dessert
Ghost 1: It's death by chocolate
Phelous (vo): Oooh! I've never had Death by Chocolate via a vanillia cake! You see, they had that line in the song already but then when it came time for filming, they just couldn't find a chocolate cake in time.
Ghosts: *singing* You're just not alive
If your spirit don't fly
Phelous (vo): What the shit would YOU know about that!? At least Old Man was just an idiot and assumed an empty room meant he was expected so he deserved his fate. Here the ghosts are setting him up! *French voice* Ho ho! Lumiere! *normal voice* Crabs... WhaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Well, I don't know which Beauty and the Beast is better, but this one is making me lose more brain cells.
Phelous: If I have those.
Phelous (vo): The ghosts Sugar Plum Fairy him to bed, and if you're hoping for ending up spooning with the Beast, well, too bad, it was just these selfish dicks' plan to butter him up and get him in the sack the whole time!
Beauty: Poor father, I hope he's found somewhere to stop for the night.
Phelous (as Cat): Yeah! And I hope it's six feet deep! Heh heh heh!
Phelous: Swan Lake, WHHHHYYYY!??