Channel Awesome
Register
Advertisement
 Beauty and the Beast (Britannica)

Beauty and the beast brittanica phelous

Aired
January 25, 2019
Running time
27:05
Previous review
Next review
Tagline
Pat Morita hosts the Britannica Tales Around the World series as he not only takes us through Beauty and the Beast but also The Chinese Parrot and Sedna!
Link

Phelous: I put the subject of this review up to a vote on Patreon.

Phelous (VO): They could either choose Beauty and the Beast, Beauty and the Beast, or Beauty and the Beast. And this isn't even the first time I've done a poll which was all Beauty and the Beast. Haha... I know, I'm the worst.

Phelous: The real tale of this vote, though, was Pat Morita defeating an elephant. And, uh... whatever that guy is.

(The scene cuts to the title card with the Britannica intro music.)

Phelous: So Britannica: Tales Around the World was a series where they take a story like Beauty and the Beast and then show you two other stories from other countries which sort of had a similar theme.

Phelous (VO): On the Beauty and the Beast tape we've also got the stories of The Chinese Parrot and Sedna. Now one kind of neat thing about these is Encyclopedia Britannica actually got different animation studios to work on each cartoon in the series. And it seems they sort of tried to give each one a kind of feel for the region the stories originally came from.

Phelous: Some look nicer than others, but I appreciate the effort at least, and I'm primarily looking at the VHS version of this because, well, it's got the Pat Morita segments.

Phelous (VO): And believe me, you want to see the Pat Morita segments. I believe the later DVD releases all had the Pat Morita scenes cut out of them. There's even a slightly later VHS release of these same stories which seems to Pat Morita waxed off of them.

Phelous: Pretty nice Karate Kid reference, huh? Huh? No? Alright...

Phelous (VO): Anyway, the VHS release I have here was put out by Kids Klassics in 1991. Their motto was: "We make collectability a way of life".

Phelous: "We make collectability a way of life"...hmm, (sarcastically) why does that sound so familiar?

Phelous (VO): Oh, right, "We make collectability a way of life" was also the tagline for none other than GoodTimes Entertainment. And, yeah, Kids Klassics was just a subdivision of GoodTimes.

Phelous: So, we're kind of looking at GoodTimes's Beauty and the Beast AGAIN with the Britannica one.

Phelous (VO): And yes, the TMNT: Coming out of their Shells VHS was distributed by GoodTimes, meaning that GoodTimes has been with us from the very beginning, as I had this tape hid behind me on the Mac and Me review.

Phelous: Clearly getting sucked into the GoodTimes Entertainment hole was my destiny.

Phelous (VO): And you know what else was released by Kids Klassics at one point? Real Ghostbusters VHSes.

Phelous: So GoodTimes had their hands on both Ghostbusters, and TMNT. They are stalking me at this point.

Phelous (VO): It's probably also worth noting that Brightspark Productions released several Disney ripoff cover DVDs, one of which, not at all based on Tangled, Tangled UP, actually contained the Britannica Tales Around the World versions of Rapunzel and Hansel and Gretel.

Phelous: They kind of got in trouble for that one and had to stop making them. Guess GoodTimes was better getting away with this stuff.

Phelous (VO): I find it kind of funny that GoodTimes ever even bothered with the Kids Klassics label considering they released a lot of their media for children under GoodTimes as well. Even the Morita-less release of these same cartoons one year later was released under GoodTimes instead of Kids Klassics. Also of note: there was at least one other VHS release of these same cartoons which changed the name from Tales Around the World to Tales FROM Around the World.

Phelous: (sarcastically) Man, they changed the whole thing with that. Just like Tangled and Tangled Up.

Phelous (VO): Anyway, let's finally take that spin around the world with Britannica.

(cartoon intro music plays)

Phelous: Wait... what? What is going on?

Phelous (VO): I could remark on how crappy the bizarre CG castle floating on a purple turd in space looks, but remember, this was done in 1991, which is incredibly early for having any computer-generated elements like this. But I gotta say, this entire opening sequence comes off like a bad trip. However, Pat Morita will make it all better!

Pat Morita: Do you believe in true love?

Phelous: I do now.

Phelous (VO): There's already so much to unpack here: Pat Morita and his wondrous purple shirt, which I guess he put on to match the grimace world he's fallen into. But man, that little tower and the bushes probably could've been spruced up a little bit...

Phelous: Maybe they just thought your senses would be blown by all the purple and Pat Morita so you wouldn't notice how crap those look.

Phelous (VO): I can't help but laugh at the way Pat Morita just kind of slides into the screen, too. And I kinda love that Tales Around the World are being told to us from OFF of said world.

Phelous: But what does Pat Morita need with a starship?

Pat Morita: People tell the story of a girl named Beauty who didn't fall in love. Ah, but someone fell in love with her.

Phelous: Wait, what are you telling me, Pat? That Beauty just pity loved the loser Beast at the end?

Pat Morita: Someone very strange and scary.

Phelous (VO): Oh guys, don't zoom in on the crappy 2D tower. What are you doin'?

Narrator: Once upon a time there was a merchant who had three daughters, the youngest being so beautiful and pure of heart that all called her Beauty.

Phelous (VO): Hmmm.... No, no, I don't see it.

Phelous: The art style in this one is, uh, particularly... strange.

Phelous (VO): And sometimes the movement in this one doesn't look too bad, and other times it's choppy garbage like this. And the wicked REGULAR sisters just like popping into existence, rather than actually walking into the frame. But I suppose they want to do as little walking as possible, considering this is what they look like while doing it.

Phelous: (choppy robot voice) I shall walk like a human being. Woa–!

Link: Gee, it sure is boring around here.

Pat Morita: This is Pat Morita.

Beauty's father: What gifs may I bring back for you?

Beauty's sister #1: Jewelry to cover myself!

Beauty's sister #2: Gowns!

Phelous (VO): (monster-y voice) I'm gonna eat the screen!

Beauty's Father: And you, dear Beauty, what can I bring you?

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Something that makes me look less like an alien.

Beauty's father: I cannot bring your sisters fine gifts and return with nothing for you.

Beauty: Bring me a rose. It has been so long since I last saw one.

(sister #2 giggling)

Phelous (VO): (as Wabuu) Not funnyyyeheheh... Oops.

Beauty's father: Farewell my children.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty's father) This has been the first time I've met you and I hope it shall be the last.

Phelous (VO): (as normal) So once the horse breaks its reins to get away from this ugly old idiot, it's immediately nowhere in sight!

Phelous: (sarcasm) Can't believe anyone would want to escape such a beautiful world...

Beauty's father: I hope that the owner will be good enough to let me shelter here for the night.

(door creaks open)

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty's father) Whoa, it's so purple in there! Is this Pat Morita's space castle?

Phelous (VO): (as normal) Though maybe it really is because, uh... what is any of that? Doesn't look earthly...

Beauty's father: Hello?

Beauty's father: Well, it seems I am invited to eat!

Phelous: (as Old Man) Yeah, must be a ghost inviting me to eat! That seems normal! Doot-dee-doot-de-do...

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) This ugly old dude doesn't even eat a candle! 0 out of 10 on the Old Man scale!

Phelous (VO): (as normal) Blue-flamed candles' in here, too. Guess Britannica Beast really likes it hot.

Phelous: You know, I always like imagining the Beast making, or at least getting other people to make Old Man some dinner. Like, that seems kind of out-of-character for him at this point in the story.

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) Hey, look! Some lost guy! I'm going to make him such a nice dinner! But he better stay away from my flowers...!!

Beauty's father: Whoever you may, be kind owner of this castle, I thank you for your generous hospitality!

Phelous: (as Beauty's father) You know, you think I'd try to actually look around the place to find someone to thank, but no, I'll just thank the actual castle itself.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty's father) You are the best person I've ever met, castle! I love you, castle!

Beauty's father: Ah, at least I can bring a smile to Beauty's face!

Phelous (VO): Uhhh... we really don't need to see a smile on that ugly mug. When she smiles the whole world dies inside.

(Beast roaring)

Beast: Steal my roses, will you?!

Phelous (VO): You know, most of these Beast's problems could be solved with a sign.

Phelous: This is another adaptation where they don't say that the roses are connected to the Beast's life meter, so he's just obsessed with this flower garden to an unhealthy degree.

Beast: Prepare yourself for death!

Phelous (VO): I'll give them at the Beast's design in this one is kind of interesting. He almost looks more like a demon. Though I really wonder about that waistline... Maybe this guy should actually try eating at some of this blue fire candlelight dinners, too, instead of just feeding strangers and crossing his fingers that they don't pick his flowers. Unless maybe they have a hot daughter...

Phelous: But hey, at least this Beast never misses his upper body exercises!

Beauty's father: It's only a single rose for my daughter, Beauty.

Beast: Then you will replace my rose by giving me your daughter in exchange!

Beauty's father: No.

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) Maybe you shouldn't have named her 'Beauty'.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty's father) Uh, well, uh... THIS is the daughter that I named Beauty.

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) Ohhhh you got me, Old Man! Sneaky sneaky!

Beast: If you send your daughter I will do her no harm.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty's father) Oh, okay, you convinced me.

Beast: Take my horse.

Beauty's father: Take me home.

Phelous (VO): (as horse) Oh, I don't know where 'home' is until you program it into my horse GPS, idiot.

Beauty: Then I must go.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty's father) Well, you've talked me into it. It's been nice knowing you, Beauty Zone!

Beauty: Take me to Beast's castle.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) I'm hoping I can find a clue to put in my head there.

Beast: Welcome to your castle. I will obey your every wish.

Beauty: I wish only to see my family.

(Beauty's father sobbing)

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Ah, that's this stuff right there!

Beast: Would you like to see me?

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Uh, I dunno, everyone in this universe is pretty gross.

Phelous (VO): (as normal) You know sometimes I kind of dig the weird aesthetic going on in this world, like the Beast's bizarrely-shaped table, but then I see Beauty again, and she looks like the Scream painting or a gray alien.

Beauty: Let me see you.

(Beauty gasps)

Michael Bluth: I don't know what I expected.

Beast: Do you think I am... ugly?

Beauty: Yes, Beast.

Phelous (VO): Jeez, Beauty, pot meet kettle.

Beauty: You are ugly.

Phelous: And I thought Beauty was ugly on the outside.

Beauty: But you treat me well.

Beast: Then... will you marry me?

(MGS "!" sound effect)

Phelous (VO): This would be a real awkward wedding, wouldn't it? Like, who's gonna officiate that?

Phelous (VO): '(as Old Mayor)' I'll do anything for money!

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) Don't! Not cool, guys!

Beauty: No, I cannot.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) I want to keep my options open.

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) There's no one else here, though...

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Yup!

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) Oh, bother....

Phelous (VO): (as normal) Beauty starts really getting into taking the Beast for his walkies until he tries to break his leash to eat a deer one day.

Beast: (as Siro) THAT'S IT.

Narrator: In the wind, she heard the Beast.

Beast: (distantly) Beauty! Beauty!

Narrator: In the rain, she heard the Beast.

Beast: (distantly) Beauty! Beauty!

Beauty: Beast.

Phelous: You know if it's not Beauty who's lost her mind just hearing that in her head, I think it's the Beast who's lost his mind hiding around corners just saying 'Beauty' over and over!

Beast: I sensed your sadness.

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) Has my gloomy funhouse-mirror castle not brought you the greatest of joy?

Phelous (VO): (as normal) Beauty gets to take a little Beast vacation to go see the crappy family, who clearly haven't been getting acting lessons while she's been gone.

Beauty's sister #1: (whining) but Beautyyyyy, it's only been a weeeeek.

Beauty's sister #2: Yes. Surely the Beast can wait a BIT longer for you?

(tuba from Canadian A&W commercials)

Phelous: Why are blank, expressionless stares' a Beauty trademark?

Beauty's sister #2: It would be cruel for you to leave us now!

Beauty:Beast will understand.

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) I don't understand– Bleh!

Beauty: Beast!

Beast: (weakly) I thought you forgot me...

Phelous: Pfft, what?! Was Beauty the only one watering the Beast?

Phelous (VO): (as Beast) I forgot how to take care of myself while you were gone. I'm such an idiot.

Beauty: But I DO love you!

Phelous: Uh... Why? 'Cuz he hung around corners saying your name over and over again? Pretty vain, there, Beauty. ...which is not something I would've expected from someone named Beauty.

Beast: (distantly) Beauty! Beauty!

Phelous (VO): ♪ She's so vain, she probably thinks this rain is about her! ♪

(magic noises)

Beauty: (gasp) Where is my Beast?

Prince: I was your Beast.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Yeah, you still are, kind of, I guess, I don't really love you now, though, that you've lost that trim waistline, fatty.

Prince: Dear Beauty, will you marry me?

Beauty: No, I do not love you.

Pat Morita: What makes a story a Beauty and the Beast story?

Phelous: Ah... ♪ a question as old as time. ♪

Pat Morita: Ah, but Beauty doesn't always have to be a girl, and the Beast always doesn't have to be a boy. Here's a story from China in which Beauty is a handsome young man. And the Beast is... Well, just watch.

Phelous (VO): Just take a look at the female Beast of "The Chinese Parrot"! (dully) Truly horrific...

Phelous: Think you're stretching this one, Pat Morita.

Phelous (VO): Speaking of stretching it, they really kind of modified a lot of the grimmer elements from the original version of this story, though that is kind of par for the course for cartoon adaptations of old fables, isn't it? So when looking into this, I found two different book adaptations in English of the original story. In the book "The Moon Maiden and Other Asian Folktales", they had the story "The Serving Maid's Parrot" which is definitely based on the same tale as it has the same ending where the couple sets parrots free.

Phelous: But even though they're adaptations from the same story, "The Chinese Parrot" and "The Serving Maid's Parrot" have quite a few radical differences.

Narrator: Long ago there lived a sorcerer. He was an evil man with the power to turn people into stone.

Phelous: And even with the first line in this cartoon, there's quite the divergence, as there's not a mention of a sorcerer at all in the "Serving Maid's Parrot".

Narrator: Now living in his palace was a young serving maid named Lin-Lee.

Phelous (VO): In the "Serving Maid's Parrot" story, the maid was just taking care of the parrot for a rich guy, when the parrot flew the coop later in the story, he was kinda bummed, but forgave his servant.

Phelous: Kinda different than working for an evil sorcerer, though there is another telling of this story where her master is... a bit more evil. Though he's still not a sorcerer.

Phelous (VO): The other English book version I found, "The Waiting Maid's Parrot", has a few more of the weirder plot elements from the cartoon in it.

Parrot: Why are you so sad and unhappy?

Phelous (VO): (as Parrot) The master do not approve of your mood.

Lin-Lee: I'll never find a husband!

Phelous (VO): (as Parrot) Well, not with that attitude!

Phelous (VO): (as normal) The parrot flies off to get Lin-Lee a man so she'll stop bringing down the mood at the evil sorcerer's pad.

Phelous: And you know it's bad if you're making THAT place seem more gloomy than usual.

Narrator: There lived a handsome young man named Lee Yong-Soo. Lee Yong-Soo was a scholar and he was rich.

Phelous (VO): (as Parrot) Ah. Rich. That's the most important part!

Narrator: And afraid that he would never find the right woman to be his wife.

Lee Yong-Soo: Oh, no... No. No! No, no, no, no!

Phelous: Maybe Lee Yong-Soo should try a little harder than just yelling "No!" at some personal ads.

Parrot: You'll never find a wife that way.

Phelous (VO): (as Lee Yong-Soo) Oh, you're right, I just realized how dumb I am.

Phelous (VO): But we know he's definitely the Beauty! Just look dat butt!

Lee Yong-Soo: Who are you?

Parrot: That's not important. But if you follow me, I will lead you to the maiden who will be your wife.

Phelous (VO): (as Lee Yong-Soo) Well, as long as she's hot, I might as well follow this weird bird to a wife!

Lee Yong-Soo: She is truly beautiful.

Narrator: When they looked into each other's eyes, they knew they had found true love.

Phelous: Just like in Beauty and the Beast. ...Or not.

Narrator: Lee Yong-Soo wrote love poems to the maid servant. One night, Lee Yong-Soo had a dream.

Bird Lady: Don't be afraid, I am the parrot.

Phelous (VO): Oh, as if talking parrot matchmaker wasn't enough, now we have bird girls.

Phelous: This cartoon loves its bird girls...

Bird Lady: My sister, Lin-Lee, is also not as she seems.

Phelous (VO): (as Bird Lady) I drank heavily before coming to you.

Bird Lady: My sister was turned from a parrot into a human.

Phelous: Wait, so a bird was taking care of the other bird? Guess that's cheaper than hiring help.

Phelous (VO): Stupid sorcerer Pennybags apparently got so angry that his bird girl was getting some sweet letter action, he stoned her!

Phelous: The stone connection to the original book version, I guess, is a little brat threw a rock at the parrot and killed it.

Phelous (VO): Though, in "The Waiting Maid's Parrot," the master found out about his servant's little love affair and beat her to an inch of her life and stuffed her into a coffin.

Phelous: Well, that sounds lovely for a children's cartoon! Don't know why they changed that to a sorcerer who just puts a spell on her.

Phelous (VO): And the lover boy did have a bird girl dream about the parrot who said the maid was also a bird, but in a previous life.

Phelous: Guess that makes the bird sex less weird.

Bird Lady: I tried to come to you, but I didn't make it.

Phelous: Oh, well, I'm glad parrot Krueger is able to enter Lee Yong-Soo's dreams after she died.

Lee Yong Soo: I don't believe you!

Phelous (VO): (as Lee Yong Soo) This story has been so crowded up until this part!

Phelous (VO): (as normal) Anyway, he follows his nose to the great taste of stoned bird girl and his tears un-petrify Lin-Lee. Who knew Pokemon: the First Movie was inspired by a weird stoned bird girl adaptation of a Chinese folk story.

Narrator: She was transformed from stone to life, from parrot to human.

Phelous (VO): Geez, when you put it that way, it sounds kinda weird.

Narrator: Lin-Lee married Lee Yong-Soo.

Phelous: Guess that marriage is really gonna have some WINGS, AHAHUHUH!

Narrator: And whenever they saw a parrot in a cage, they would buy it, and set the parrot free.

Phelous: And since they were TAMED parrots, that probably didn't work out too well.

Phelous (VO): So I guess the sorcerer just got away with everything, and it felt like a little bit of a stretch to call this a Beauty and the Beast tale when the Beast is just a woman who's put her feathered days behind her.

Pat Morita: Do you think that Beauty and the Beast always live happily ever after?

Phelous: It's a relationship based on threats, superficiality, and Stolkholm Syndrome, so no. Probably not.

Pat Morita: In the Arctic, a few hundred miles from the North Pole, people tell the story of Sedna.

Phelous (VO): Sedna is from Inuit mythology and is the goddess of the sea and marine animals. There are a few different versions of her origin story, which is the story that this cartoon tells, all of which have her fingers either getting cut off or broken.

Phelous: Guess what doesn't happen in this cartoon?

Narrator: She and her father lived at the edge of the world where there was only snow, and ice, and the sea.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) And when we make the sea mostly white like this, it just looks more like snow.

Phelous: (as normal) Or something more nasty. Depends on where your mind is, I suppose.

Narrator: This happened so long ago that the sea contained no seals, or walruses, or whales.

Link: Gee, it sure is boring around here.

Narrator: One day, a stranger paddled his boat toward the girl and asked Sedna to go away with him.

Young Hunter: Come with me–

Phelous (VO): (as Young Hunter) If you want to live.

Young Hunter: –to the land of birds.

Phelous: This movie is for the birds!

Young Hunter: I will keep you warm, and bring you meat.

Phelous (VO): (as Young Hunter) And I bet no other guy can transform into mountains like this. Pretty cool, huh?

Phelous (VO): (as normal) Sedna actually agreeing to marry this guy is a nicer version of this part of the story as originally Sedna's father drugged her and gave her to this hunter guy in exchange for fish.

Phelous (VO): (as UFO Fish) I knew there was something fishy about that guy!

Narrator: He wondered when he would ever see his daughter again.

Phelous (VO): Don't count on it, jackass!

Narrator: After the young hunter had paddled out beyond sight of land, he began to change! He was really a giant bird spirit!

Phelous: Really heavy on the birds here, aren't we? I think this should've been called Beauty and the Bird instead!

Narrator: The bird spirit carried Sedna away to the land of the birds.

Phelous (VO): Can't help but think that a guy getting a woman alone then revealing his bird form could be taken another way, especially with all this white fluid surrounding them.

Phelous: This cartoon is Inappropriate! Because obviously the white substance is a load of bird crap.

Narrator: The bird spirit built her a nest in the rocks, and he brought her meat so she was never hungry, but Sedna grew lonesome and unhappy.

Phelous: Pfft, can't imagine why!

Phelous (VO): Though maybe getting her food regurgitated into her mouth by her bird hubby was kind of a turn-off.

Narrator: Sedna's father missed her as well. He came to the island where the birds lived.

Phelous (VO): (as Sedna) Hey, dad! Nice of you to finally come over and see the nest!

Sedna: Take me home!

Bird Spirit: Come back, Sedna! I love you!

Phelous (VO): (as Bird Spirit) I know I've been a little bird brained, but I think we could still make this marriage work!

Phelous (VO): (as normal) The bird gets so angry that he causes a divorce storm, which finally makes the water actually kind of look like water!

Narrator: Sedna's father was terrified. To save himself, he pushed Sedna overboard.

Phelous (VO): (as Sedna) Wow, kinda wish you hadn't have bothered with the rescue, pops.

Narrator: But she did not drown. Instead, something wonderful happened!

Phelous: Wow! More wonderful than marrying a bird, then getting thrown into the sea by your garbage father? I can hardly imagine!

Narrator: Out of Sedna's fingers, seals began to emerge! Then, big fat walruses came out from her fingers, then whales!

Phelous: Wow. I didn't know they could do that. Fingers are really remarkable, aren't they?

Phelous (VO): This is why Sedna's fingers get chopped off in other versions of the story, because then it makes more sense that sea life sprouts from her hands.

Narrator: He was filled with sadness for his poor daughter.

Phelous (VO): Geez, if only SOMEONE hadn't have shoved her into the sea!

Narrator: An army of Sedna's animals gathered and caused the ice to break. Sedna's father was swept down.

Phelous: YEEEAAAH!!! TAKE THAT, OLD MAN!

Narrator: The sea animals guided him to his daughter. He lives there now, and keeps her company.

Phelous: Well that's gonna be awkward...

Phelous (VO): (as Sedna's father) So, uh, about trying to kill you, Sedna, I felt bad about it afterwards. Does that earn me any credit?

Phelous (VO): (as Sedna) No.

Phelous (VO): (as Sedna's father) Well, crap.

Pat Morita: Sedna never found true love, even though she became a goddess.

Phelous: Yeah, kind of breaks the connection a little bit, doesn't it? Maybe they should have made the Beast avian to give the theming some FLIGHT.

Pat Morita: This is Pat Morita, and I don't know about you, but I believe in true love. After all, it happened to me.

Phelous: Well, that was weird. And now I don't believe in nothing no more. After all, nothing happened to me.

(outro music)

Phelous: Wow, way to lower the bar, GoodTimes.

Advertisement