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Beauty and the Beast (2017)

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Aired
March 27, 2018
Running time
31:12
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, before we fade to Belle, played by Tamara Chambers, in a ballroom. As the music for "Beauty and the Beast" plays, Belle smiles at her dance partner, which is a large "$" sign, and starts dancing with it)

Singer (Doug): Tale as old as time

Stale as it can be

Recycled and tame

So much more the same

Unfortunately

(As the dance scene goes on, we are shown footage of both the Disney Beauty and the Beast adaptations, the live-action remake and the classic animated version)

Maybe just a change

Singers that aren't fake

But the suits are scared

No one is prepared

Disney's Bland Remake

All of it's the same

Never a surprise

But you'll watch it all

'Cause Disney's got your balls

At the critic's side

Even what is new

Makes no friggin' sense

Really got it all

The film viewers forgot

What wasn't half as dense

Certain as the cash

The studio will rake

Hear a second time

Songs played for rewind

Disney's Bland Remake

Who cares if it blows?

We're rolling in the dough

(An image revealing the movie's worldwide gross of $1.264 billion is shown)

Disney's Bland Remake...

(As Belle dances with the "$" sign, her face and look suddenly turns vampire-ish as she uses her sharp teeth to bite onto the "$" sign)

Singer: (stunned) Oh...oh, that's, uh...oh, wow!

(We then go to the NC 2018 opening, before cutting to NC in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to the final installment of Disney Live-Action Remake Month.

(The Disney Live-Action Remake Month intro plays out, with the contrast clips of animated and live-action versions showing Lumiere the candle this time)

NC: For the final one, let's talk about one of Disney's most beloved animated films, if not, their most beloved animated film, Beauty and the Beast.

(Footage of the 1991 animated film is shown)

NC (vo): With its amazing animation, stunning music, and unforgettable characters, it received a standing ovation at the New York Film Festival, was the first animated movie to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, and is regarded by many to be one of the best animated movies ever, if not, the best.

NC: Yeah. Remake that shit.

(Now we are shown the title and footage of the 2017 live-action remake)

NC (vo): The story of Beauty and the Beast has been told countless times. They range from quick children's cash-ins (The Storytime Collection adaptation is shown) to unbelievably adult and mature (The 1946 live-action adaptation) to quick children's cash-ins. (The 2017 Disney remake) Despite it making a buttload of cash, audiences seem split on this remake. Some say it just told the same story minus the fresh take and joy, others say it's a charming adaptation that captures the magic of the original.

NC: (speaking in a dark, cool tone) I say, you're full of shit-knocks.

NC (vo): Is there any wiggle room for us purists that love the original so much?

NC: There's a lot to talk about, so let's get right to it. This is the live-action remake of Beauty and the Beast.

(The movie opens with a remade Disney logo that shows the Beast's castle at night)

NC (vo): Oh, look. They changed the logo again. (The variants from Maleficent and The Jungle Book (2016) are shown) Remember when they used to be clever and unique?

NC: Even the slight changes to the Disney format are becoming formulaic!

(We are shown the prince, played by Dan Stevens, sitting on his throne and watching the ball that has only the women in white dresses)

NC (vo): As before, we get a backstory about a selfish prince who threw parties for only the most beautiful people in white bedsheets.

(Maestro Cadenza (Stanley Tucci) is shown playing the harpsichord while his wife Madame de Garderobe (Audra McDonald) sings one of the songs that weren't heard in the original animated film)

Madame de Garderobe: (singing) Oh, how divine! / Glamour, music and magic combine...

NC (vo): Wow! That singing is beautiful.

NC: (smirking) Don't get used to it.

(The ball is interrupted by an old beggar woman asking for a shelter and offering the prince a rose in exchange)

NC (vo): Ever as before, literally line for line, an old woman knocks on the door and asks for shelter offering him a single rose as payment.

(The prince throws the rose on the floor, and after that, the beggar woman turns into a beautiful enchantress (Hattie Morahan), which shocks the prince)

Narrator (Hattie Morahan): But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances. When he dismissed her again, the old...

NC: (confused) But he didn't dismiss her again. She just...

NC (vo): ...started glowing, and he backed off.

NC: Literally, a stained glass window is being more consistent than you right now! (The prologue from the animated movie, showing the past events pictured in glass windows, is shown)

(The enchantress transforms the prince into a beast, which is shown by the close-up of the prince's eyes)

Narrator: As punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast.

NC: (as the narrator) Like, seriously. The CGI on him was hideous.

Narrator: The prince and his servants were forgotten by the world, for the enchantress had erased all memory of them.

NC: (as the narrator, arms crossed) Yes, that's how we handle that plot hole. But fear not, we will create many more to confuse you.

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