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Beauty and the Beast – Golden Book Video!?

Beauty-and-the-beast-golden-book-video

Aired
January 21, 2022
Running time
21:18
Previous review
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Tagline
Little Golden Book made videos apparently and they released the horror of the 1981 Beauty and the Beast upon us all!
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Phelous: I just realized that I've only reviewed Beauty and the Beast eight times! I mean, that's hardly getting into it at all! So let's fix that with the ninth review of it.

(The scene cuts to the title card with the sped-up synthesizer theme of the Golden Book Video logo)

Phelous: Most of you probably know Little Golden Books, the story books that have the gold spine on them, but did you know that Golden Book actually put out some VHSes under Golden Book Video?

Phelous (VO): Golden Book Video started in 1985, and the first releases all had a consistent look with a yellow VHS sleeve. Funny enough, it wasn't until a bit later that they started using a design that actually incorporated the signature of Golden Books with the golden spine.

Phelous (VO): The earliest releases by Golden Book Video also made the most sense really as they were just video story books with a little bit of animation sprinkled in. Titles they released like this range from things like Sesame Street to Masters of the Universe.

Skeletor: Bring me that prince I seek!

He-Man: I am certain that Skeletor has taken Castle Grayskull to the Land of Shadows.

Big Bird: She'd never believe that's what happened. Oh, boy!

Phelous: Once we get to stuff like their Beauty and the Beast release, they were just licensing out actual animations.

Phelous (VO): And, well, your mileage may vary for considering this Beauty and the Beast adaptation as an actual animation, but Golden Book Video did also release things like the old Frosty cartoon and Madeline.

Phelous (VO): Now, the Beauty and the Beast cartoon on this tape actually pre-dates Golden Book Video as it was originally made by Bosustow Entertainment in 1981. So, you know, this tape really jumped on this hot adaptation putting it out ten years later.

Phelous (VO): Bosustow Entertainment was formed by Stephen Bosustow and his son, Nick Bosustow. It was Nick Bosustow doing the producing by 1981 when this was released. This picture of Nick is him with his father's Oscar, which he'd won in 1957 for Magoo's Puddle Jumper. Kinda funny, Stephen Bosustow is actually guaranteed an Oscar in the Best Short Cartoon Subjects category that year as everything nominated was produced by him.

Phelous: This Beauty and the Beast cartoon won... nothing, besides my everlasting disdain!

Phelous (VO): Nick Bosustow did produce an Emmy winner though with the Wrong Way Kid that starred Dick Van Dyke in a very convincing beard and wig. Wrong Way Kid was a combination of live action and animation.

Phelous: And if you're wondering if I'm delaying because I don't want to actually look at this ugly cartoon, the answer is yes.

Phelous (VO): Everything about this thing is disgusting, truly. If you ever wanted to see a movie that would convince you that traditional animation was a mistake, this is it. The character designs are wretched, and a lot of the shots are really poorly laid-out and confusing. You'd almost think the animation team wasn't very experienced, but it's quite the opposite. The director Sam Weiss worked on a lot of cartoon series before this. Vincent Bassols animated on quite a few well-known things including some stuff I really like, like episodes of Batman, X-Men: Evolution, and Darkwing Duck. Alan Zaslove also worked on Darkwing Duck and a lot of Disney Afternoon series.

Phelous: Really, everyone on this has worked on vastly superior things. It happens.

Phelous (VO): Maybe this is just how they were told to do things on this, or there wasn't a lot of money being spent to explain why it turned out the way it did.

Phelous (VO): This Beauty and the Beast also has a recognizable voice cast, which you wouldn't really expect from a cartoon that looks the way this thing does. You've got Claire Bloom, June Foray, freakin' James Earl Jones, and Michael York.

Phelous: I wonder if Michael York enjoyed this or Puss in Boots more.

Phelous (VO): I'm gonna give it to the Phil Nibbelink Puss in Boots if I'm comparing the two, though. That is a much more fun confusing piece of animation than this! Also, the character designs don't make you consider death like this Beauty and the Beast does.

(boring orchestra)

Phelous: Ugh. Even the music is boring!

Narrator: There once was a wealthy merchant, who lost all the ships he owned in a terrible storm. He was forced to move to a small house in the country. The merchant and his youngest daughter, Beauty, worked in the fields.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) And then the old Quaker Oats man saw the Beast and said "Hey, do you want a daughter of mine to marry?". They eventually did so, and the Beast turned human for reasons. The end.

Phelous: (normally) Whoo, that took forever, but it's finally over. Let's continue.

Narrator: His two eldest daughters did nothing but complain. Some of the merchant's ships had washed up in a nearby porch with their cargo still intact, and Beauty's sisters were convinced they would be rich again.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) Spoiler: they were never rich again and died alone.

Phelous (VO): (normally) Why is Beauty's father a pilgrim in this one? And why does it look like the top of his head is about to explode constantly?

Beauty's sister #1: Bring us dresses of silk and some fine shoes, father.

Beauty's sister #2: And the carriage to ride in.

Phelous (VO): Oh. That's a great shot of the back of Beauty's sisters' head there. Guess they couldn't move the camera to a better angle.

Merchant / Pilgrim: What should I bring you, Beauty?

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Oh, some wonderful shoulder pads like yours, father! I want to be the pointiest in all the land!

Phelous (VO): (as Merchant / Pilgrim) Are you making fun of me?

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Uh, no! I thank you so much for your wondrous genes that gave me this Beauty!

Phelous: (normally) Really now, old pilgrim was just way off the mark giving the name Beauty to that.

Beauty: Bring me back a rose.

Beauty's sister #1: Oh, what a stupid present!

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty's sister #1) She should ask for an old-timey football helmet like I'm wearing!

Merchant / Pilgrim: I'll bring you back the very best rose, my dear.

Phelous (VO): Did old pilgrim just forget he was mid-conversation with Beauty and then silently went out and onto his horse before bothering to respond?

Narrator: But unfortunately for the merchant, the trip was a failure.

Narrator: (as Mufasa) Everything the light touches is our failure.

Narrator: (normally) The goods that were salvaged had been taken by the bill collectors and there was nothing left.

Phelous: Oh yeah, it's so sad that he had to pay his bills. You'd think he'd get a discount for being ugly.

Phelous (VO): Then as if old pilgrim wasn't frightening enough, he tries to eat us.

Merchant / Pilgrim: Perhaps the owner of this fine palace wouldn't mind a tired and lost traveler a bit of warmth by his fire.

Merchant / Pilgrim: Oh my. Doesn't that look good?

Narrator: (as Mufasa) Oh, what am I gonna do with him?

Merchant / Pilgrim: Perhaps this meal is meant for me.

Phelous: Yeah, they must have seen you miles up the road and said "Gee, I sure hope that jackass shows up here and assumes we cooked him a meal"!

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) Asshole men gotta be free loadin' assholes, am I right? HEEE-EEEEEEEEEEE– Ew, that guy's face is a sin against nature.

Narrator: The merchant ate everything on the table and then became very sleepy.

Narrator: (as Darth Vader) You have failed me for the last time.

(sudden roar-like scream)

Phelous (VO): You know how it be when you yell so loud your castle glows.

(My Pet Monster theme song)

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) I got wasted last night after making supper! I was trying to sleep it off in my rose bush, asshole!

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) This is your time to shine, man! Come up with a good excuse!

Merchant / Pilgrim: Had I known that this rose was so precious to you, I never would have taken it.

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) Nyeh, I'll give that like a two out of ten. You're dead, dude.

The Beast: I gave you food and shelter, but you repay this by stealing from me! (as Puss) I know this will come as a shock to you, but– (normally) Prepare to die!!

Narrator: Hoping the Beast would take pity on him, he told his story. But unfortunately for the merchant, his story was a failure.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) Oh yes, you are incredibly pathetic, I didn't realize. This changes everything, old boy.

The Beast: If your daughter loves you enough to come in your place, I will keep her here with me and let you go free.

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) Here's where you ask for the money! Get a good price for her!

Merchant / Pilgrim: I would never allow my daughter to take my place! Kill me if you must!

The Beast: No, it must be your daughter's choice! If she will not come, then you must return and take your punishment!

Merchant / Pilgrim: I understand.

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) You didn't even try to drive the price up! You suck!

The Beast: Take the chest of silver I have left for you.

Phelous: At least he is still getting a payday. I'd feel ever so bad if this jerkwad didn't get some cash for selling out his daughter.

The Beast: Remember, if you do not return, I will hunt you!

Narrator: Beauty's sisters only thought about how rich they were. They wouldn't miss her at all.

Phelous (VO): Who would miss her?

Narrator: Despite his pleas for her not to go, Beauty returned to the palace with her father.

Phelous: "Yes, yes, please, do not go, Beauty, but here, I'll show you the way over to his castle."

Beauty: How kind this Lord is.

The Beast: Good evening, merchant.

Beauty: How very frightening he is.

The Beast: (as Puss) Please, try to remain calm.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Oh, I didn't mean to fly off the handle like that.

Phelous (VO): (normally) They seem to like to keep showing Beauty in profile, and it's not a good look.

Phelous: Then again, I don't know what is a good look in this movie, so... (raspberry) That's my clever writing there. (raspberry again)

Beauty: And yet his eyes are so sad.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) But not quite as sad as his stupid horns. Oh, and his sad tusk, and gotta give a shout out to those sad fangs. Also, his mangy hair that just turns into his beard. You know, that whole package is rather sad.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) Beauty. Ouch.

The Beast: You are certainly a brave young woman, Beauty. She must love you dearly, merchant.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) I guess it's a pity it wasn't a two-way street, hmm?

Merchant / Pilgrim: I plead with you to spare her, Beast!

Phelous (VO): (as Merchant / Pilgrim) But if you insist, could I have one more chest of gold?

Phelous (VO): (as Old Man) I have nothing more to teach you. He-h– YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW!!!!!!!

(thump)

The Beast: Beauty, will you remain with me in my palace?

Beauty: No, Beast.

♪ (music at the end of the credits – ah, yes, the joke we all know and love) ♪

The Beast: In this palace, you alone are the mistress. You may refer to me as Beast. For that is what I am.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) What you may not refer to me as is clever. For that is what I am not.

The Beast: I ask only that we speak the truth here.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Your face makes me want to vomit.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) Let's hold off on that whole truth thing.

The Beast: And you, merchant. You shall leave in the morning.

Narrator: (as Mufasa) (yawn) Okay, okay, I'm up, I'm up.

Narrator: (normally) She went to her room and there she found beautiful clothes.

Beauty: Beast will be pleased to see me wearing his gifts.

The Beast: I bid you good night.

Beauty: Poor Beast. With all his wealth, he is wretched and lonely.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) You did hear me when I said we could lay off the truth thing, right?

(tweet)

Beauty: Little bird, you're like me. I will never leave this palace either.

Phelous: Yeah, take that, bird! Welcome to the real world, jackass!

Beauty: Where do you spend your days, Beast?

The Beast: Do not ask me, Beauty.

The Beast: "I ask only that we speak the truth here."

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) I am so over that truth thing! That was a day ago!

Beauty: Tell me what you do.

The Beast: I bid you good night.

Phelous (VO): Ooh, look at that Beast's pointy shoulders! He sure is a boxy looking idiot.

The Beast: I hunt. I prowl the woods for prey. I am an animal after all.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) But I guess I also have an unseen staff who prepares meals. I don't know how it works.

Beauty: How very sad.

The Beast: I bid you good night.

Narrator: Beauty stopped asking questions that might hurt or embarrass the Beast.

Phelous: So basically, she just stopped talking to him.

Phelous (VO): Wow, look at that yellow undetailed or shaded nightmare she's got on.

The Beast: Tell me, Beauty, will you be my wife?

Beauty: No, Beast.

The Beast: I bid you good night.

Phelous: How could she turn that down? That's the most romantic shit i've ever seen!

Beauty: I can never be your wife because... I do not love you.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) Even after I paid your father to piss off and leave us alone?! I mean, come on, that guy blows!

Narrator: When Beauty went to bed, her sleep was filled with the same dream she would be in a garden of the palace.

Phelous: How do we do a dream sequence? Inside a dream bubble? No! We carve out the face and have it happen in there! That's not creepy at all!

Phelous: I hear you there, Phelan!

Prince: Some day, Beauty, we will be together always.

Beauty: No. I do not love you.

Prince: I bid you good night.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) And then she dreamt of herself going to bed dreaming.

Beauty: Where are you, my prince?

Canoe woman: How blind you are.

Phelous: Of course she's blind! She doesn't even have a face anymore!

Phelous (VO): Also, how did canoe woman go outside the borders of the dream face?

Canoe woman: Happiness comes from seeing what does not always lie on the surface. Look deep into the beauty of others to find your own happiness.

Beauty: I love you.

Phelous (VO): (as Canoe woman) I've taken. Find it in someone else.

(tweet)

Beauty: Good morning, little bird. I love you.

Phelous (VO): (as bird) I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine!

Beauty: Oh, father!

Phelous (VO): You know, I'm pretty sure Scanners is about to happen here.

(his head explodes)

The Beast: It is a magic mirror, Beauty. If one is pure of heart, one can see into it.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) At least that's what they told me when I bought it. I've never gotten the damn thing to work!

Beauty: Let me go to him.

The Beast: I cannot refuse you anything for I am your slave.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Okay, I'm never coming back.

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) Well shit.

The Beast: Remember your poor Beast.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) I could never forget those shoulder pads.

The Beast: Will you be my wife when you return?

Beauty: No, Beast. I do not love you.

Phelous: (as the Beast) Damn, I thought for sure her finding out her father was dying was the right time to propose!

The Beast: Remember your promise to return, for I cannot live without you!

Beauty: (as Spider-Man): I missed the part where that's my problem.

Narrator: As soon as she was there and caring for him, he began to recover.

Phelous (VO): It turns out they were just forgetting to feed him.

Narrator: Beauty's sisters were envious.

Phelous (VO): Because they were stuck in a claustrophobic lopsided little hallway.

Narrator: So they induced Beauty to stay beyond the three weeks she had promised. They laughed.

Phelous: Subtlety was their strong suit.

Narrator: Then beauty had another dream.

Beauty: Oh, Beast!

Phelous (VO): ♪ The dreams in which the Beast is dying are the best I've ever had! ♪

Beauty: How could I have betrayed my promise to you when you have been so kind?

Phelous: Yeah, sure he threatened your father and kidnapped you, but he, uh... feed you and pester you for marriage. Pretty kind!

Beauty: I must return to the Beast, father!

Merchant / Pilgrim: Yes, Beauty, you must go! I'm feeling better now!

Phelous (VO): I guess Beauty couldn't actually wait around for old pilgrim to actually say that.

Beauty: Oh, my poor Beast. I do love you.

Phelous: She loves him now because... absence makes their heart growth funny!

Phelous (VO): (as the Beast) This is my true form, Beauty.

Phelous (VO): (as Beauty) Oh, yeah, I think I jumped the gun a bit there.

Phelous (VO): (normally) Not that he really gets any better after the full transformation, it's really a lose-lose situation.

Narrator: And her love has saved them both from their spell.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) But not from super shoddy tile work.

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