Battlestar Galactica: Journey's End 1

Battlestar Galactica: Journey's End #1
Released	July 22, 2013
Running time	33:09
Previous review	Tandy Computer Whiz Kids: A Deadly Choice
Next review	Marville 5
Tagline	Fleeing from Cylon tyranny, the last battlestar, Galactica, leads a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest... for a better comic.
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/battlestar-galactica-1/

(Open on Linkara seated at his Futon)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Today, we're talking about Ba– (he stops abruptly and looks around nervously) Wait a second.

(He picks up some papers, presumably the script, and looks closely at them)

Linkara: Oh, my God. It's the first episode in, like, six or seven weeks that's not a sequel episode! (becomes excited) CELEBRATION!

(Cut to a shot of the show title card, reading "Merry Christmas From Atop the Fourth Wall"; snow falls and jingle bells are heard)

Linkara: (frustrated) Why that one again? Seriously, the hell? (shakes head) Anyway, while we're still going to be looking at something new today... there is gonna be a slight schedule change.

(Cut to a shot of the cover for "Battlestar Galactica: Journey's End")

Linkara (v/o): Originally, I planned to review "Battlestar Galactica: Journey's End", based solely on the idea of "Hey, [Rob] Liefeld-esque '90s artwork combined with Battlestar Galactica of all things", and the title implies that it's their version of the conclusion of the show that didn't have a real conclusion. That's fantastic! Perfect review fodder!

Linkara: Annnd this is why it's important to do research on this crap before you decide to schedule it. See, all those things are technically true about "Journey's End". The problem is that it's also the conclusion to a bunch of other Battlestar Galactica miniseries.

(Cut to a shot of the comic "Law and Order #1")

Linkara (v/o): There were a bunch of miniseries published by Maximum Press, which you may recall as being Rob Liefeld's Image Comics spin-off company that gave us "Law and Order"...

(Cut to a shot of another Maximum Press comic, "Godyssey")

Linkara (v/o): ...as well as "The Godyssey". As such, you can probably imagine the level of art quality we can expect from this thing.

(Cut back to the "Battlestar Galactica" comic)

Linkara (v/o): But anyway, the point is that, instead of doing "Journey's End", which would have had lots of stuff that happened before that we wouldn't know what the hell they were talking about, unless we read those series...

(Cut to a shot of another "Battlestar Galactica" comic)

Linkara (v/o): ...we're instead going to read the first issue of the first miniseries of this little group of books... which takes place twenty or so years after the end of the series, meaning a lot of stuff happened off-screen that we were not privy to and don't know what the hell they're talking about.

Linkara: But, let's get some exposition out of the way, since I'm sure a few of you need that. What the hell is Battlestar Galactica?

(The title sequence for Battlestar Galactica is shown; it is the reimagined series of 2004, as it features text reading, "The Cylons were created by man. And they have a plan.")

Linkara: (waving dismissively) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not that one. Also, that theme song is a lie; they never had a plan.

(Footage of the original Battlestar Galactica is shown)

Linkara (v/o): No, these comics are based on the classic Battlestar Galactica, the one that only lasted one season as well as a terrible ten-episode sequel series called Galactica 1980, although, for the purposes of this comic, they completely ignored Galactica 1980, and that's really for the best if you know anything about that series. And I won't get into its troubles today. Battlestar Galactica was about an ongoing struggle between humanity and a race of robots called the Cylons. Unlike the 2004 reboot, the Cylons were not created by man, but supposedly some alien race of lizard people that we never see. The classic series had a bit more variation in the robot models, aside from Centurion and Humanoid Cylon, including the big-headed, Imperious Leader, as well as the creepy-as-hell-looking Lucifer.

Linkara: (annoyed) Both of which should have been in the revised series, because they were awesome, but whatever.

Linkara (v/o): Here's the deal: basically, Cylons were at war with the humans of the Twelve Colonies until a peace was established. However, on the eve of peace, humanity was betrayed by a man named Baltar, and the colonies were attacked, killing off the majority of the population, save for a bunch of ragtag freighters and a single remaining warship; technically two, but that's neither here nor there. That ship was a Battlestar-class vessel called Galactica. Now on the run from the Cylons, they look back on their legends of a thirteenth tribe of humans, who left them and went off to a place called Earth years and years ago. As such, they decide to head off and try to find Earth.

Linkara: It's a solid premise for a sci-fi piece and of course presented numerous opportunities for drama and a sci-fi atmosphere. So, why did it only last one season?

Linkara (v/o): Well, it was a ratings hit, but it was expensive as all hell to produce. It's easy to laugh at some of the special effects, like the clunky Cylon outfits or the spaceships where you can see where they superimpose the models on the background, but this was state-of-the-art effects for TV at the time, and some of these sets are pretty big and elaborate. In addition, unlike the revised series, the classic series did run into alien lifeforms along the way. Not often, but it did happen. In addition, watching the old series is a bit laughable because it was written in the late '70s and could be very goofily written in that kind of way. The reboot did a much better job portraying the problems they would have: refugee issues, supply problems, black marketeering – although that black market episode was crap, combat fatigue, and just the general griminess of war. The old series was a bit... squeaky clean in their version of the stuff and a bit over the top. For example, there was Baltar. Oh, my, was there Baltar!

(A clip of Baltar is shown)

Baltar: Yes. Now perhaps you see why the Imperious Leader put me in command. (smiles smugly and chuckles sinisterly) Have faith, Lucifer, have faith. I have a plan. All I need is the opportunity to present it. That will come.

Linkara: And yet, I still enjoyed this version more than the woobie, harem-keeping, Jesus metaphor that the revised series was pushing near the end of its run.

Linkara (v/o): I could go on talking about this, but the point is, the series didn't really have a proper conclusion. It had a great final episode, but it did deserve more than it got, which hey, a comic miniseries is a great idea for that.

Linkara: Handing it over to Rob Liefeld's company, though... not so great an idea. Let's dig into "Battlestar Galactica #1" and see what they did with it! (suddenly becomes uncomfortable as nothing happens) Uh, yeah, I couldn't get a physical copy of it in time for the review... I only have "Journey's End" in the other room... (becomes nervous, then speaks quickly) Theme song!

(AT4W title sequence plays, followed by title card, set to the Battlestar Galactica theme. Cut to a shot of the cover for this comic)

Linkara (v/o): The cover is... yeesh. You know, to be fair, Rob Liefeld does not do the artwork on the comic itself, just the cover. Thank goodness for that, since this pretty much shows why that would've been a horrible idea. Let's start with the fact that the cover is not interesting at all: five heads; what I'm sure is supposed to be Earth, but with the landmasses covered up and undetailed, it could be any planet that's blue and green; two Cylon Raiders; and two Vipers. Just gets y'all fired up and excited for "Battlestar Galactica", doesn't it? Yaaaaaay. Hell, the only well-rendered head on this cover is the Cylon, and that's only because it doesn't look human, and even then it's wrong, since the fin on the thing's head is so large that it might as well be a Mohawk. And now let's talk about the fact that Liefeld can't render what human beings look like, even if he has actual physical models to look at. See this guy on the upper right? That's Baltar! Oh, yeah, got him down perfectly! Well, I suppose you could argue that it's close enough and it's been twenty years, so he's bound to look a bit different. Say, who else have we got? (zooms in on lower-left corner) Yeah, see this guy down here? That's Starbuck. Oh, yeah, looks exactly like Dirk Benedict! F for effort, Liefeld, as in "try to put in a little"! You know, the Star Trek comics required their likenesses to be approved by the actors; why couldn't they do that for this, too? (zooms in on lower-right corner) And why does this woman have a Cyberman on the side of her face?

(The comic opens to the first page, depicting the credits for the comic)

Linkara (v/o): The actual artist for this book is a guy named Hector Gomez, but I couldn't find any info on if he's still doing anything today; otherwise, it looked like the last time he worked as a penciler was in 2000. In this book, his artwork is better than Liefeld, but you can still see the '90s influences in a lot of places.

(The first panel of the comic is shown, and the comic begins)

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, we open with the narration of Commander Apollo.

Commander Apollo: (narrating in text box) Personal journal. Commander Apollo -- Battlestar Galactica. Colonial year 7362.

Linkara: Okay, this might be nitpicking, but in the original series, they replaced a lot of words with their own made-up language, and that included time units. That should be a "yahren", not a "year". The only reason I bring this up is that this is the only time in the entire book that they use "year". For the rest of the book, it uses the standard Galactica lingo.

Apollo: (narrating) It seems like a lifetime ago. It was the most devastating moment since the destruction of our civilization.

Linkara: (as Apollo) Community was canceled yet again. All hope seemed lost.

Linkara (v/o): Actually, he's talking about the death of his father, Commander Adama.

Apollo: (narrating) It had been five yahrens since the flight from the colonies. Adama had led the fleet beyond the confines of our galaxy. We were in open space on a course that we prayed would lead us to the planet Earth.

Linkara: (as Apollo) Unfortunately, we kept stopping at tourist traps on the way. It doubled the time it took to get there.

Linkara (v/o): Apparently, Commander Adama is suffering from a disease that's eventually going to wipe out his mind and kill him. Also, in the intermediate time, Apollo has married another supporting character from the show named Sheba and had a son with her. Unfortunately, he's narrating this while also informing us that he... "disappeared", and the crew is still having trouble finding him...

Commander Adama: Your brother is strong--he's out th-there...I know he's out there.

Linkara (v/o): And then he suddenly comes back!

(Cut to a brief clip of of the RiffTrax film on At Your Fingertips: Boxes)

Mike Nelson: Shyamalan twist!

(Back to the comic again)

Apollo: (narrating) A few centaurs later I proved his faith to be true.

Linkara: Thanks, Apollo. You have restored your father's faith in centaurs, truly the most divine of creatures. (smiles and shrugs)

Linkara (v/o): Apollo explains that he had been taken by the beings of light known as the Seraphs. (dramatically reading the following text) TIME 4 BACKSTORY!

Linkara: And because we've barely just begun this comic, let's get that backstory out of the way as quickly as we can.

(Cut to a montage of clips of Battlestar Galactica, with Linkara dubbing all of the characters' voices)

Adama: Orbs of light are taking our ships!

Count Iblis: I am Count Iblis, and I'm totally not the Devil.

Sheba: I'm Sheba, and I'm in love with you for some reason.

Apollo: I don't trust Iblis, because he's macking on my love interest.

Adama: I'm Commander Adama, and I'll go back and forth about whether I trust him.

Iblis: I can read minds, do telekinesis, and even bring you to Earth and deliver your greatest enemy to me if you make me your president. And I'm definitely not the Devil.

Baltar: I am Baltar, and balls of light make me pee myself. This must be Adama's work!

Lucifer: Or, you know, it could be some other alien force.

Baltar: Shut up, Lucifer! I'm smarter than you because I'm also Kor on Star Trek and the voice of Apocalypse from the '90s X-Men animated series.

Lucifer: I don't see how that's relevant, but whatever. I get a paycheck either way.

Adama: The fleet thinks we should make that guy who isn't the Devil the president.

(A bird statue slides across the table, making squawking noises as it does)

Adama: I have telekinesis now and will never use it again, because!

Iblis: I have delivered Baltar to you.

Baltar: Aren't you the voice of the Cylon Imperious leader?

Iblis: Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm the Devil.

Apollo: We're back on this planet, investigating the crash. OH, MY GOD!! SOMETHING WE CAN'T SHOW TO THE AUDIENCE THAT'S PROBABLY PROOF THAT HE'S THE DEVIL!

Iblis: HA-HA! I AM THE DEVIL! FOOLED YOU!!

Seraphs: We're angels. Also, your clothes are white now for some reason. Here's the way to Earth. Do us a favor on occasion. 'Kay, thanks.

(Back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): And this really gets into one of the problems of this comic. For one thing, the beings of light never had a name before, but here, they're just called Seraphs, and Apollo has to narrate his meeting with them, instead of this naturally being part of the comic. And no, there isn't a miniseries before this one where that happens.

Apollo: They ABDUCTED me--just as they have in the past.

Linkara: (as Apollo) I've developed Stockholm Syndrome at this point and I'm already planning the wedding.

Apollo: (narrating) ...As before, they came out of nowhere--and disabled my Viper. Then I awoke in this chamber of light. One of them greeted me--in human form. He's called John--I met him the last time they took me...

Linkara: (as Apollo) Dude owes me ten bucks from our last game of cards.

Apollo: (narrating) ...He told me it's imperative we get to Earth--but he wouldn't say why.

Linkara: I'm guessing it's for a timeshare presentation.

Apollo: (narrating) They're giving us a device--they call it a TEMPORAL OVERDRIVE.

Linkara: I call it Mr. Coffee.

Apollo: (narrating) It is a warp system that will allow the Galactica and our fleet to make jumps across space... He says that even with light speed, Earth is thousands of yahrens in the distance...

Linkara: (as Apollo) So we should probably use the bathroom now so we don't have to stop on the way.

Linkara (v/o): Adama questions why the Seraphs want to help them.

Apollo: I asked the same question, Father. All he would say is that Earth needs us as much as we need it.

Linkara: Apparently, it's the year 1980, and we have to have a ten-year-old child genius help us accelerate their technology, while at the same time providing educational exposition because of our crappy time slot.

Linkara (v/o): Adama says he's proud of his son for being the emissary to these beings, and that it's time for him to take command – because, of course, a military hierarchy like this is based on parentage and not on rank, because clearly a fighter pilot is better equipped to lead a ragtag fugitive fleet than the actual second-in-command who has years of experience in a command role. And now, we cut to fifteen yahrens later, to the red-soaked bridge of the Galactica. We see that apparently top priority upon his dad's death was revise the dress code a bit, with epaulets on people's shoulders – because, of course, when you're operating with few supplies for long periods of time, it's important to utilize those resources on sewing together new, fancier uniforms. Also, while the last few pages, the drawings of Apollo very vaguely resembled him, now they've just given up trying to make him look like the guy. Commander Fancy Shoulders exposits that the technology put a strain on some of the older ships in the fleet, so they couldn't use it as often or as far as they wanted to in the last fifteen yahrens. In addition, the Cylons have been undergoing a massive expansion campaign, and have managed to catch up with the fleet.

Apollo: (narrating) After much deliberation, I have made an important decision--perhaps the most important decision in my command.

Linkara: (as Apollo) A new ornamental sash will be added to the uniforms, with lots of medals that I will award myself.

Linkara (v/o): Basically, the fleet is under attack by Cylons, and they're losing ships, forcing Apollo to order them to engage the "temporal overdrive".

Linkara: You know, (makes "finger quotes") "temporal" usually refers to time or time travel in science fiction. And considering it's in "overdrive", does that mean they're basically overclocking the space-time continuum? Thing's gonna overheat, you know.

(Cut to 90s Kid)

90s Kid: Duuuuude! We'll be right back after these messages!

(He makes "I love you" signs with both of his hands, as the AT4W logo appears in the corner; the screen goes black as they go to commercial; upon return, 90s Kid is seen wearing a shirt reading "WYSIWYG")

90s Kid: What you see is what you get. And what you see is more of the show because WE ARE BAAAAAAACK! (AT4W logo appears in the corner)

(Cut back to the "Battlestar Galactica" comic)

Linkara (v/o): The kid character of the show, Boxey, has grown up and become a Viper pilot, who narrowly avoids getting himself blasted by a Cylon ship... which now resembles a bowl with an engine in the middle of it... Okay... Although, in other shots, they look a bit more flat, like a single wing. Likewise, the Vipers have been upgraded, so now, they kinda resemble X-wings with only two wings and a fin, or possibly something like Vertigo 1 from Descent. And actually, the back of the comic does have extras that include concept designs for the new ships, which I like. I love seeing the artistic process, even for stuff from the '90s, assuming they have consistent design. That's actually the interesting thing here: the ships actually look cool and nicely detailed. It's just people they always have a problem drawing well. Anyway, space battle...

Boxey: Melt in Hades, you SOULLESS BASTARDS!

Linkara: (as Boxey) If robots had souls, I'd be less inclined to hate you!

Linkara (v/o): Galactica prepares to engage the drive, but Starbuck and Boxey are still outside the ship. Apollo orders them to quickly get on board, and there's something about his pose here that's very familiar...

(Cut to Phelous bathed in red light)

Phelous: Fire!

(Back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): The two fighters just barely manage to get on board before the jump.

Apollo: (narrating) Never before have we attempted a jump of such extraordinary magnitude. A distance that would take a thousand yahrens to reach at light speed, we hope to traverse in mere centons.

Linkara: (as Apollo) And hopefully, we won't have to stop for directions. That was embarrassing the last eight times we had to do that.

Linkara (v/o): Galactica and the fleet emerge back into normal space – I presume back from hyperspace or whatever the hell this thing uses – and all of the fleet has survived, though there's damage along all the ships. I should also point out that Athena lists 162 ships as having survived, but the image on the left shows only a total of six ships. I know, artistic license, and we can presume the other ships emerged after the still shot, but it just seems kind of insignificant compared to the actual amount of ships they're supposed to have. Anyway, they took a look out the window.

Apollo: (narrating) Imagine an infant opening his eyes at the moment of birth. His eyelids move cautiously at first, fearing the pain of first light...

Linkara: (as Apollo) And then it starts crying loudly, and all the other disgusting things that happen with childbirth occur, and it kinda ruins the moment.

Apollo: (narrating) ...but then as he grows accustomed to the brilliance... a face comes into focus... It is so beautiful and loving, the infant can scarcely believe it...

Linkara: (as Apollo) The baby has seen Robert Downey, Jr., for the first time, and it instinctively understands the sex appeal.

(The next panel has blue and red separations for a 3D effect for no apparent reason)

Apollo: (narrating) It is the face–

Linkara (v/o): GAH, MY EYES!!!

Linkara: (shielding his eyes irritably) NO KIDDING, THIS PANEL ACTUALLY HURTS MY EYES TO LOOK AT!!

Linkara (v/o): And I can tell you why: because for this one single panel in the entire comic, somebody decided that it should be in 3D, so we blue and red color separation for the effect. I kind of get it, to try to get the idea across just how gorgeous this moment is. And maybe this is just a printing error, and it wasn't supposed to be this way, but it has kind of undercut the beauty of them finally reaching Earth when I physically cannot look at it without causing PAIN! The next page is actually a much better view, but it highlights another problem with this comic: a lot of splash pages and two-page spreads. Mind you, it does usually have more than one giant panel, but they're still the central focus of the pages. Anyway, scanning the planet indicates some unusual life-form readings, and they can't seem to detect any human life or technology.

Linkara: THE FOOLS! They've accidentally arrived at Earth when it was the Planet of the Apes!

Linkara (v/o): They prepare to send a team down, and Apollo berates Starbuck and Boxey for ignoring the recall order earlier to get their Vipers on the ship.

Apollo: Tell me, Starbuck, would you be "back in business" if the fleet had gone into overdrive and left you behind?

Starbuck: Actually, Apollo, that would have suited me just fine. I would have found a nice, deserted planet somewhere, christened it "Starbuck", and sat out the rest of the war.

Linkara: Okay, that's actually a cute little in-joke. The final episode of Galactica 1980 told the fate of Starbuck, wherein he was marooned on a deserted planet which he then named "Starbuck". Because it was actually a good episode, it is the only episode of Galactica 1980 that was considered somewhat canon. (beat) ...Which is now being ignored by this comic. Weird.

Linkara (v/o): Because they're not able to positively identify any life-forms, it's possible that the 13th Tribe never actually made it to Earth, meaning that the whole series was kind of pointless. Whoops. And as such, the pilots are going to do low sweeps of the entire planet to try to get closer information.

Linkara: (confused) They do remember that the planet is really damn big, right? Even discounting the oceans, it's still a hell of a lot of ground to cover with only two or three Vipers.

Text box: Six centaurs later...

Linkara: Man, I guess centaur meat must taste really delicious.

Starbuck: I tell you, boys--the gods must truly despise us. We spend twenty yahrens looking for this rock and when we get here, what do we find...? ...Nothin'.

Linkara: And this is why it's important to read reviews about your vacation spot before you pick it.

Linkara (v/o): Also, the color printing on this and the next two panels is slightly off, lending credence to the theory that the shot of the Earth wasn't supposed to be in 3D and was just an error. These panels aren't quite as eye-stabbing as that other one, but it's still kind of blurry to look at. Anyway, they pick up an energy source from Africa, and Starbuck says they should land and take a look.

Boxey: Now hold it just a micron, buddy. You remember Apollo-- our commander? First we check in with him-- then we proceed as ordered.

Linkara (v/o): Annnd on the next panel, they've landed and it's twenty centons later.

(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang watching The Thing That Couldn't Die)

Tom Servo: Wow, they held the tension for a full second.

(Back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): They use their tri-quarters or whatever to try to home in on the energy reading and clear away some foliage. I also notice that the scanner is going, "Blip! Blip!"

Linkara: Ah, our video hosting service is as old as the original Twelve Colonies, my friends, no doubt with an entire religion based around it. (sotto voce) I've heard there's an entire book about minerals that some don't count as part of the canon.

Linkara (v/o): When the foliage is cleared away, a large diamond-shaped structure decloaks in front of them. When they move in closer, they find writing on it.

Boxey: No doubt about it-- the writings on this pedestal are from Kobol.

Linkara: Yes, Kobol, the ancient home world of humanity, alongside its sister worlds, JAVA, LISP, FORTRAN and BASIC.

Linkara (v/o): Boxey recognizes it as the markings of the 13th Tribe, confirming that they were at least here at some point. Unfortunately, before they can investigate any further, a T-Rex appears and attacks. And here's where we get confused about the timescale of the series. The implication here seems to be that they've arrived in dinosaur time, and the temporal overdrive was in fact some kind of time machine. However, the question then becomes, to what end? And they've used this drive before, so why does it suddenly now send them back in time?

(Cut to a clip of the final episode of the original TV show)

Linkara (v/o): The other problem comes from the very end of the actual TV series, where the crew, using old-style equipment, unknowingly picked up a broadcast from Earth; specifically, the moon landing. If they didn't go back in time, where the hell did the moon landing transmission come from, and why have we never found that big-ass pyramid in Africa?

(Back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): This could be in the future, but since it's supposedly roughly twenty years later, that would mean in 1999, humanity was destroy and dinosaurs took over.

Linkara: Which would then unfortunately imply that "Kamandi at Earth’s End 1" is actually our future. (holds up index finger) And that is a prospect that terrifies me, my friends.

Linkara (v/o): They make a run for it back to the Vipers when their guns prove ineffective, and the T-Rex manages to chomp one of the things as it tries to take off. Boxey is stranded at the mercy of the T-Rex before we cut over to a newly-revised Cylon Basestar – and, of course, to Baltar.

(Cut to footage of the final episode of the show)

Linkara (v/o): In the final episode, Baltar was still captured, but he'd made a deal with Adama that if he helped them on their mission, they'd strand him on a planet with with supplies and a distress beacon, so that he might get rescued by the Cylons or another power. Well, it seems, in that time, he's back in charge of a Basestar.

Linkara: And if I may be a geek for a moment, because when the hell else am I gonna get to talk about Battlestar Galactica? One of the interesting things about the original series was that you were never quite certain of Baltar's true plans.

(Footage of Baltar in the show is seen)

Linkara (v/o): He was a villain, to be certain. He helped the Cylons exterminate most of humanity, but he didn't want to kill all of humanity; he just wanted to subjugate them. He was power-hungry, but with his plans, you couldn't be certain if he was truly loyal to the Cylons or to humanity. Hell, in that episode where they met Count Iblis and the Beings of Light, the reason Iblis was able to get Baltar was because Baltar called for a truce so they could join forces against what he perceived to be a common enemy.

Linkara: My point is that he was evil, but you weren't certain if he was deceiving one side, or if he was just trying to play both sides against the middle.

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, on the Basestar, he commands Lucifer to tell him of how the battle with Galactica went, and sweet Christmas, what the hell are you wearing, Baltar?!

(Cut to a clip of Baltar on the show, which is different than the comic)

Linkara (v/o): You know, you really do appreciate the quiet dignity of Baltar sitting in his big high chair and a cape and stuff, with arms draped over the top...

(Cut to Baltar's look in the comic)

Linkara (v/o): ...when the alternative is... whatever the hell this is. I'd say he has metal cyborg arms, but there are clearly giant veins on there, too. Was he supposed to have normal arms, but the colorist screwed up? Anyway, Lucifer tells him– Oh, dear Lord, what the hell have they done to Lucifer?!

(Cut to a clip of Lucifer on the show, again different than the comic)

Linkara (v/o): They turned a really creepy, tiny-headed robot with blinking lights...

(Cut to Lucifer's appearance in the comic)

Linkara (v/o): ...into a Conehead wearing the Red Hood's mask! It's an especially jarring contrast when you remember what Lucifer's voice was.

(Cut to Lucifer on the show)

Lucifer: By your command...

(Back to Lucifer in the comic)

Lucifer: The Battlestar Galactica and the bulk of her fleet... escaped.

Baltar: ESCAPED?! Again?

Linkara: After, like, twenty years of them escaping like that, you'd think he'd get used to it by now.

Baltar: HOW, Lucifer?! How in Kobol's name do they manage it?! Did Adama bring sorcerers with him when he fled the colonies?!

Linkara: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You guys had sorcerers back in the original 12 Colonies?! You guys used MAGIC?! WHERE THE HELL WERE THOSE GUYS WHEN THE CYLONS ATTACKED?!? NOBODY CAST SOME MAGIC MISSILES OR SOMETHING?!?

Linkara (v/o): By the way, why the hell are the Cylons still following this guy? You'd think, after twenty years, they realized that he kinda sucks at his job. He orders them to expand ever further in order to find them.

Voice: (behind Baltar) You won't find them, Baltar. They are well beyond the reach of your furthest installation.

Linkara: (as voice) They've crossed the state line and are therefore outside your jurisdiction.

Linkara (v/o): Baltar recognizes the voice of the one who just spoke, and our comic ends with the revelation that it's COUNT IBLIS! (a dramatic sting plays) WHO IS NOW BALD FOR SOME REASON! (the dramatic sting plays again)

Iblis: Yes, Baltar-- I have returned as promised.

Linkara: (as Iblis) Yeah, sorry it took me so long; traffic was hell.

Iblis: And this time, no one shall oppo,se my dominion. I alone shall lead you to the humans-- rejoice, my friend, for the War of Eden has begun!

Linkara: (as Iblis) Did you like how overdramatic that was? I've been practicing it for, like, years. (normal again) This comic– (he stops briefly as notices he doesn't have the comic in his hand) is okay for the most part.

Linkara (v/o): It doesn't really suck, but it has problems, to be sure. I'm really not sure why it was necessary to push ahead twenty years, except for Boxey to be an adult, but he pretty much fills the role of Apollo anyway, so what was the point? The character models all look pretty off, and the artwork, while decent in places, still leaves a lot to be desired. The story suffers a lot from "tell" instead of "showing", with events narrated and told to us instead of letting us see them play out naturally within the story. However, the story itself is not that bad, especially since it's starting what's meant to be a proper conclusion to Battlestar Galactica. Characterization is pretty light, aside from Apollo and Starbuck, but apparently, in twenty years, Starbuck is still exactly like he was in the series. I could see why people would be interested enough to see where they went with it, though, and keep buying more miniseries.

Linkara: It's kind of a bland comic, saved only by the presence of a T-Rex right the hell out of nowhere. (hesitates a little) ...Which... T-Rexes didn't live in Africa, from what I could tell. Though I suppose it could've been an Allosaurus. Oh, well. Oh, speaking of dinosaur mishaps, "Marville" next week! Oh, may the Lords of Kobol help us all. (gets up and leaves)

(Credits roll)

Actually, I'm sure the reason they skipped ahead 20 years was because then they wouldn't have to draw everything like it was in the show, justifying the hideous 90s-style artwork employed for it.

What do you think Baltar does in his big chair? I mean, it has no table for books, there's no screen to watch anything... it's just a big chair looking over everything.

(Stinger: Linkara is seen scanning NIMUE's system)

Linkara: (frustrated) Dammit! Nothing! (throws the scanner against the wall)

Pollo: Perhaps it would not be best not to throw technology against the wall.

Linkara: There's nothing wrong with her circuitry, there's nothing wrong with her programming – what the hell is wrong with NIMUE?!

Pollo: Perhaps she is simply overtaxed.

Linkara: (sighs) It's possible, I guess. NIMUE, have you been feeling overtaxed lately?

NIMUE: While the events of last year were particularly trying, several burdens have since been lifted. Hard drives have been defragmented, all systems– systems– sys-systems (Linkara and Pollo express great alarm at what's going on) are operating perfectly within parameters.

Linkara: NIMUE, what the hell was that?

NIMUE: Please restate the question.

Linkara: You stuttered.

NIMUE: This unit does not recall stuttering.

Linkara: Play back your own records.

NIMUE: (sound of scanning is heard) This unit cannot account for that occurrence.

Linkara: NIMUE... could an outside force be affecting you?

NIMUE: It is possible, but it cannot be ascertained for certain at this time.

Linkara: Pollo, any progress on Comicron 1's temporal shields?

Pollo: No. However Lord Vyce initiated them, we still have been unable to access them.

Linkara: Redouble your efforts. NIMUE, Pollo is going to come aboard and try to get the temporal shields up. After he's on board, raise the Force Wall and keep it online for as long as you can. We have nothing else to go on, so if something is affecting you, maybe with the temporal shields on, we can keep whatever they are out.

Pollo: Assuming something is influencing her at all.

Linkara: So far, everything else checks out.

NIMUE: Ready to teleport.

Linkara: Do it.

(Pollo disappears from the room)

Pollo: I'm on board.

Linkara: All right, NIMUE, raise the Force Wall.

NIMUE: Force Wall activated.

Linkara: All right, I'll do what I can from down here.

NIMUE: This unit has a question.

Linkara: Go ahead.

NIMUE: Are you afraid?

Linkara: I beg your pardon?

NIMUE: Are you afraid of me?

Linkara: No, of course not. (gets up and leaves)

NIMUE: (whispering) You should be.

(Cut to black; end)