(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then we cold-open on a movie trailer of some kind, starting with the words "THIS SUMMER")
Announcer (Malcolm): This summer, experience the most (The following words pop up...) intense, gritty, violent, action packed...
(Suddenly, as the words continue to appear, it takes on a more colorful appearance as the music changes to a more cheerful tone, too)
Announcer: ...family friendly game of the year!
(A shot of a poster for the movie adaption of the board game Battleship is shown)
Announcer: It's Battleship: The Movie, the Parody, the Game!
(A montage of Battleship posters is shown, each one based around a different classic game (usually board): Hungry Hungry Hippos; Trouble; Rock, Paper, Scissors; Mouse Trap; Monopoly)
Announcer: Because we know everybody wanted to satirize this film...
(Cut to a shot of Battleship' page on IMDB Pro, which had a budget of $209,000,000, but only took in some $25,000,000 on its opening day)
Announcer: ...but the movie bombed...
(Cut to a man (played by Doug) freaking out, with his mouth opening, his hands clasping at his face, and his head shaking around)
Announcer: ...leaving a ton of untapped potential.
(Several other characters are shown also having similar exaggerated reactions)
Announcer: It's time to create your joke movie mocking this idiotic idea.
(Cut to a shot of the title for a made-up movie: Connect Four: The Movie)
Announcer: Like Connect Four: The Movie...
(A man is seen standing outside his front door and looks up in alarm)
Man: OH, MY GOD! LOOK OUT!
(Suddenly, a gigantic black Connect Four chip falls out of the sky and crushes a tall skyscraper)
Man: Pretty sneaky, sis.
(Cut to the title of another made-up movie...)
Announcer: ...Guess Who? The Movie...
(A clip from this movie is shown)
Woman (Heather): (talking on a phone to someone) Is he wearing a hat?
(Her voice is coming on a speaker phone. A man (played by Malcolm) answers it. He is wearing a hat and trenchcoat like a detective)
Woman: Does he have glasses?
Woman: Is he Buzz Lightyear?
Man: Oh, shit! Are you doing the Disney version? (He looks at his game of Guess Who?, which has various characters from The Office) I've got the Office version.
(Cut to the title of another made-up movie...)
Announcer: ...Operation: The Movie...
(A clip of this movie is shown. A female surgeon (played by Tamara) is covered in blood as she performs said operation. She becomes frustrated, however, and removes her surgical mask)
Surgeon: Live, damn you!
(The patient she's working on, played by Doug, opens his mouth, making the buzzing sound that is heard when the patient's nose flashes red. The surgeon throws up her hands in frustration, the operation a failure. Then cut to the title for yet another made-up movie...)
Announcer: ...Twister: The Movie...
(...which is someone's stomach (as evidenced by a belly button), but covered over by an MPAA film rating, which states that Twister: The Movie is rated NC-17 for "explicit sexual conduct". Now cut to the title of yet another fake movie...)
Announcer: ...Scrabble: The Movie...
(A clip of the movie is shown: a man and a woman (played by Rob and Heather) playing a game of Scrabble)
Woman: (shrugs) They can't all be epic.
(Cut to the title for...)
Announcer: ...Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Board Game: The Movie!
(Cut to a clip of the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie)
Michelangelo: God, I love being a...
Doug (vo; dubbed over Michelangelo): ...board game character!
(Cut back to the Ninja Turtles board game movie title)
Announcer: Okay, that was a little weak. Well, how about...
(Cut to a shot of the title Clue: The Movie, with the poster for the real movie being added in a few seconds later)
Announcer: Oh, yeah, they made that. (The poster for Twister is shown) And Twister. Well, how about...
(Cut to a shot of the title for Candy Land: The Movie)
Announcer: ...Candy Land?
(Suddenly, however, the shot of an article from The Hollywood Reporter is shown of a potential movie adaptation of the Hasbro board game to star Adam Sandler and be done by Sony, which is being sued)
Announcer: Oh, my God, they tried that?! You know what? Forget it!
(Cut to a shot of an angry face)
Announcer: This is ass! I'm not announcing anything anymore unless it's original!
(Smash-cut to a series of upcoming movies, all either remakes or sequels)
Announcer: I'm...gonna be out of work for a while.
(On that note, we go to the actual NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, we've made movies out of...
(Shots of posters for the following movies are shown: The Care Bears Movie, The Emoji Movie, Mars Attacks!, Blended, the 2019 version of The Lion King, Totally Spies!: The Movie)
NC (vo): ...cards, emojis, cards, vacations, other movies and fetishes.
(Cut to the poster for Battleship)
NC (vo): Why not make one on a board game?
NC: Oh-ho-ho, I'll fucking tell you why!
(The title for Battleship is shown, followed by footage of the movie)
NC (vo): Battleship was released in 2012, from producer Michael Bay, riding the success of his Transformer movies, which were also based on toys from Hasbro. The funny thing is...
(Shots of the following are superimposed: a Mr. Potato Head, Uncle Pennybags (the Monopoly guy), a My Little Pony doll, a Littlest Pet Shop playset,)
NC (vo): ...there's tons of Hasbro properties that could easily be adapted into a cinematic story. But this is the only other one that went... (makes an explosion sound) ...so it instantly caught Bay's attention. Though he didn’t direct it, his dumb prints all over it like making [Megan] Fox's wardrobe in (A shot is superimposed of Fox as April O'Neil in...) Ninja Turtles. There's a lot of explosions, fast editing, closeups of mechanical things that go... (makes the sound of a mechanical thing) ...and somehow, this all racks up to an over (The words "2 HRS 10 MIN" are shown) two-hour movie! How the fuck is that possible?! Did (A shot of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies is superimposed) Gandalf take one of them on an unexpected journey? Not that it mattered, as the film bombed pretty hard in the United States, which is a shame; I really wanted to see Battleship 2.
(As he says this, a made-up poster for Battleship 2 is shown, with an angry-looking red peg added in with the subtitle: Rise of One of Those Red Peg Things)
NC (vo): So, how did this surprisingly not get people on board with its flawless strategy of "I played that when I was bored; let's sacrifice two hours to it"?
NC: Well, let's find out why this was a definite miss. This is Battleship.
(Dramatic music plays as the words "Universal Pictures presents" are displayed)
NC: (shaking head) Music, you're already taking this way too seriously.
NC (vo): The opening text tells us a planet we'll never see has a nearly identical climate to Earth. Thus, a transmission device was created to make contact, possibly allowing us to communicate with an alien world.
(Cut to a commercial for the game Battleship)
Man: You sank my battleship!
NC: I know! It's so hard to tell them apart!
NC (vo): Time for some (An image of some car keys is shown in the corner) key-waving edits!
Dr. Cal Zapata (played by Hamish Linklater): (to a crowd of reporters) Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare to bear witness to the making of history.
NC: Was that shot too long? We apologize. There's plenty of...
NC (vo): ...whooshing and cutting awaiting you! Ooh, look at all the colors and shapes! They so pwetty! (A baby mobile is shown in the corner with shapes on them with cute eyes) You're a baby!
Dr. Zapata: Start transmission.
NC (vo): So the transmission is made from Hawaii to try and communicate.
(The transmission, in the form of a laser beam, is launched out into space)
NC: Huh, making contact with another planet sure does look like...
NC (vo): ...a laser beam, doesn't it? "Accept our message of peace with concentrated flaming death!"
NC: But we're four minutes into a Bay production. How does this tie in to getting laid?
(We cut to a bar, where we meet our protagonist, Lieut. Commander Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch), as he celebrates his birthday there with his brother, Commander Stone (played by Alexander Skarsgård))
Stone: Happy birthday, blow out your candle, and, uh, make a wish. (A young woman walks into the bar and Alex looks toward her) Do not waste a wish on a girl.
Alex: It's my birthday, my wish.
Stone: Please don't waste it.
NC: Jesus, it's not a stock tip!
NC (vo): It's a candle on a cupcake! Snipers have less stress than you!
Stone: All right, princess, go get 'em.
NC (vo): This is Alex Hopper, played by Taylor...
(Posters of the following movies Kitsch starred in are superimposed: John Carter, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Covenant, Battleship)
NC (vo): ..."Christ, Was My Big Break Coming" Kitsch, whose brother, Stone, played by Alexander Skarsgård, is upset he's hitting on yet another woman.
(Alex sits down at a bar, next to a woman, who reacts to him in disgust as he drinks his beer)
NC (vo; as Alex): Yeah, she looks into me.
Woman: I want a chicken burrito.
Alex: (to bartender) Chicken burrito her.
Bartender: Kitchen's closed, Hopper.
Alex: (to the woman) I will get you your chicken burrito.
NC: To be fair, getting a chicken burrito...
(A shot of some people playing Battleship is shown in the corner, accompanied by the phrase: "Woah, I wanna chicken burrito!")
NC: ...does sound closer to how a Battleship movie should open up.
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month