Battleship

Battleship nc.jpg

Release Date
July 15, 2020
Running Time
24:43
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then we cold-open on a movie trailer of some kind, starting with the words "THIS SUMMER")

Announcer (Malcolm): This summer, experience the most (The following words pop up...) intense, gritty, violent, action packed...

(Suddenly, as the words continue to appear, it takes on a more colorful appearance as the music changes to a more cheerful tone, too)

Announcer: ...family friendly game of the year!

(A shot of a poster for the movie adaption of the board game Battleship is shown)

Announcer: It's Battleship: The Movie, the Parody, the Game!

(A montage of Battleship posters is shown, each one based around a different classic game (usually board): Hungry Hungry Hippos; Trouble; Rock, Paper, Scissors; Mouse Trap; Monopoly)

Announcer: Because we know everybody wanted to satirize this film...

(Cut to a shot of Battleship' page on IMDB Pro, which had a budget of $209,000,000, but only took in some $25,000,000 on its opening day)

Announcer: ...but the movie bombed...

(Cut to a man (played by Doug) freaking out, with his mouth opening, his hands clasping at his face, and his head shaking around)

Announcer: ...leaving a ton of untapped potential.

(Several other characters are shown also having similar exaggerated reactions)

Announcer: It's time to create your joke movie mocking this idiotic idea.

(Cut to a shot of the title for a made-up movie: Connect Four: The Movie)

Announcer: Like Connect Four: The Movie...

(A man is seen standing outside his front door and looks up in alarm)

Man: OH, MY GOD! LOOK OUT!

(Suddenly, a gigantic black Connect Four chip falls out of the sky and crushes a tall skyscraper)

Man: Pretty sneaky, sis.

(Cut to the title of another made-up movie...)

Announcer: ...Guess Who? The Movie...

(A clip from this movie is shown)

Woman (Heather): (talking on a phone to someone) Is he wearing a hat?

(Her voice is coming on a speaker phone. A man (played by Malcolm) answers it. He is wearing a hat and trenchcoat like a detective)

Man: No.

Woman: Does he have glasses?

Man: No.

Woman: Is he Buzz Lightyear?

Man: Oh, shit! Are you doing the Disney version? (He looks at his game of Guess Who?, which has various characters from The Office) I've got the Office version.

(Cut to the title of another made-up movie...)

Announcer: ...Operation: The Movie...

(A clip of this movie is shown. A female surgeon (played by Tamara) is covered in blood as she performs said operation. She becomes frustrated, however, and removes her surgical mask)

Surgeon: Live, damn you!

(The patient she's working on, played by Doug, opens his mouth, making the buzzing sound that is heard when the patient's nose flashes red. The surgeon throws up her hands in frustration, the operation a failure. Then cut to the title for yet another made-up movie...)

Announcer: ...Twister: The Movie...

(...which is someone's stomach (as evidenced by a belly button), but covered over by an MPAA film rating, which states that Twister: The Movie is rated NC-17 for "explicit sexual conduct". Now cut to the title of yet another fake movie...)

Announcer: ...Scrabble: The Movie...

(A clip of the movie is shown: a man and a woman (played by Rob and Heather) playing a game of Scrabble)

Woman: (shrugs) They can't all be epic.

(Cut to the title for...)

Announcer: ...Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Board Game: The Movie!

(Cut to a clip of the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie)

Michelangelo: God, I love being a...

Doug (vo; dubbed over Michelangelo): ...board game character!

(Cut back to the Ninja Turtles board game movie title)

Announcer: Okay, that was a little weak. Well, how about...

(Cut to a shot of the title Clue: The Movie, with the poster for the real movie being added in a few seconds later)

Announcer: Oh, yeah, they made that. (The poster for Twister is shown) And Twister. Well, how about...

(Cut to a shot of the title for Candy Land: The Movie)

Announcer: ...Candy Land?

(Suddenly, however, the shot of an article from The Hollywood Reporter is shown of a potential movie adaptation of the Hasbro board game to star Adam Sandler and be done by Sony, which is being sued)

Announcer: Oh, my God, they tried that?! You know what? Forget it!

(Cut to a shot of an angry face)

Announcer: This is ass! I'm not announcing anything anymore unless it's original!

(Smash-cut to a series of upcoming movies, all either remakes or sequels)

Announcer: I'm...gonna be out of work for a while.

(On that note, we go to the actual NC title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, we've made movies out of...

(Shots of posters for the following movies are shown: The Care Bears Movie, The Emoji Movie, Mars Attacks!, Blended, the 2019 version of The Lion King, Totally Spies!: The Movie)

NC (vo): ...cards, emojis, cards, vacations, other movies and fetishes.

(Cut to the poster for Battleship)

NC (vo): Why not make one on a board game?

NC: Oh-ho-ho, I'll fucking tell you why!

(The title for Battleship is shown, followed by footage of the movie)

NC (vo): Battleship was released in 2012, from producer Michael Bay, riding the success of his Transformer movies, which were also based on toys from Hasbro. The funny thing is...

(Shots of the following are superimposed: a Mr. Potato Head, Uncle Pennybags (the Monopoly guy), a My Little Pony doll, a Littlest Pet Shop playset,)

NC (vo): ...there's tons of Hasbro properties that could easily be adapted into a cinematic story. But this is the only other one that went... (makes an explosion sound) ...so it instantly caught Bay's attention. Though he didn’t direct it, his dumb prints all over it like making [Megan] Fox's wardrobe in (A shot is superimposed of Fox as April O'Neil in...) Ninja Turtles. There's a lot of explosions, fast editing, closeups of mechanical things that go... (makes the sound of a mechanical thing) ...and somehow, this all racks up to an over (The words "2 HRS 10 MIN" are shown) two-hour movie! How the fuck is that possible?! Did (A shot of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies is superimposed) Gandalf take one of them on an unexpected journey? Not that it mattered, as the film bombed pretty hard in the United States, which is a shame; I really wanted to see Battleship 2.

(As he says this, a made-up poster for Battleship 2 is shown, with an angry-looking red peg added in with the subtitle: Rise of One of Those Red Peg Things)

NC (vo): So, how did this surprisingly not get people on board with its flawless strategy of "I played that when I was bored; let's sacrifice two hours to it"?

NC: Well, let's find out why this was a definite miss. This is Battleship.

(Dramatic music plays as the words "Universal Pictures presents" are displayed)

NC: (shaking head) Music, you're already taking this way too seriously.

NC (vo): The opening text tells us a planet we'll never see has a nearly identical climate to Earth. Thus, a transmission device was created to make contact, possibly allowing us to communicate with an alien world.

(Cut to a commercial for the game Battleship)

Man: You sank my battleship!

NC: I know! It's so hard to tell them apart!

NC (vo): Time for some (An image of some car keys is shown in the corner) key-waving edits!

Dr. Cal Zapata (played by Hamish Linklater): (to a crowd of reporters) Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare to bear witness to the making of history.

NC: Was that shot too long? We apologize. There's plenty of...

NC (vo): ...whooshing and cutting awaiting you! Ooh, look at all the colors and shapes! They so pwetty! (A baby mobile is shown in the corner with shapes on them with cute eyes) You're a baby!

Dr. Zapata: Start transmission.

NC (vo): So the transmission is made from Hawaii to try and communicate.

(The transmission, in the form of a laser beam, is launched out into space)

NC: Huh, making contact with another planet sure does look like...

NC (vo): ...a laser beam, doesn't it? "Accept our message of peace with concentrated flaming death!"

NC: But we're four minutes into a Bay production. How does this tie in to getting laid?

(We cut to a bar, where we meet our protagonist, Lieut. Commander Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch), as he celebrates his birthday there with his brother, Commander Stone (played by Alexander Skarsgård))

Stone: Happy birthday, blow out your candle, and, uh, make a wish. (A young woman walks into the bar and Alex looks toward her) Do not waste a wish on a girl.

Alex: It's my birthday, my wish.

Stone: Please don't waste it.

NC: Jesus, it's not a stock tip!

NC (vo): It's a candle on a cupcake! Snipers have less stress than you!

Stone: All right, princess, go get 'em.

NC (vo): This is Alex Hopper, played by Taylor...

(Posters of the following movies Kitsch starred in are superimposed: John Carter, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Covenant, Battleship)

NC (vo): ..."Christ, Was My Big Break Coming" Kitsch, whose brother, Stone, played by Alexander Skarsgård, is upset he's hitting on yet another woman.

(Alex sits down at a bar, next to a woman, who reacts to him in disgust as he drinks his beer)

NC (vo; as Alex): Yeah, she looks into me.

Woman: I want a chicken burrito.

Alex: (to bartender) Chicken burrito her.

Bartender: Kitchen's closed, Hopper.

Alex: (to the woman) I will get you your chicken burrito.

NC: To be fair, getting a chicken burrito...

(A shot of some people playing Battleship is shown in the corner, accompanied by the phrase: "Woah, I wanna chicken burrito!")

NC: ...does sound closer to how a Battleship movie should open up.

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