July 15, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then we cold-open on a movie trailer of some kind, starting with the words "THIS SUMMER")
Announcer (Malcolm): This summer, experience the most (The following words pop up...) intense, gritty, violent, action packed...
(Suddenly, as the words continue to appear, it takes on a more colorful appearance as the music changes to a more cheerful tone, too)
Announcer: ...family friendly game of the year!
(A shot of a poster for the movie adaption of the board game Battleship is shown)
Announcer: It's Battleship: The Movie, the Parody, the Game!
(A montage of Battleship posters is shown, each one based around a different classic game (usually board): Hungry Hungry Hippos; Trouble; Rock, Paper, Scissors; Mouse Trap; Monopoly)
Announcer: Because we know everybody wanted to satirize this film...
(Cut to a shot of Battleship' page on IMDB Pro, which had a budget of $209,000,000, but only took in some $25,000,000 on its opening day)
Announcer: ...but the movie bombed...
(Cut to a man (played by Doug) freaking out, with his mouth opening, his hands clasping at his face, and his head shaking around)
Announcer: ...leaving a ton of untapped potential.
(Several other characters are shown also having similar exaggerated reactions)
Announcer: It's time to create your joke movie mocking this idiotic idea.
(Cut to a shot of the title for a made-up movie: Connect Four: The Movie)
Announcer: Like Connect Four: The Movie...
(A man is seen standing outside his front door and looks up in alarm)
Man: OH, MY GOD! LOOK OUT!
(Suddenly, a gigantic black Connect Four chip falls out of the sky and crushes a tall skyscraper)
Man: Pretty sneaky, sis.
(Cut to the title of another made-up movie...)
Announcer: ...Guess Who? The Movie...
(A clip from this movie is shown)
Woman (Heather): (talking on a phone to someone) Is he wearing a hat?
(Her voice is coming on a speaker phone. A man (played by Malcolm) answers it. He is wearing a hat and trenchcoat like a detective)
Woman: Does he have glasses?
Woman: Is he Buzz Lightyear?
Man: Oh, shit! Are you doing the Disney version? (He looks at his game of Guess Who?, which has various characters from The Office) I've got the Office version.
(Cut to the title of another made-up movie...)
Announcer: ...Operation: The Movie...
(A clip of this movie is shown. A female surgeon (played by Tamara) is covered in blood as she performs said operation. She becomes frustrated, however, and removes her surgical mask)
Surgeon: Live, damn you!
(The patient she's working on, played by Doug, opens his mouth, making the buzzing sound that is heard when the patient's nose flashes red. The surgeon throws up her hands in frustration, the operation a failure. Then cut to the title for yet another made-up movie...)
Announcer: ...Twister: The Movie...
(...which is someone's stomach (as evidenced by a belly button), but covered over by an MPAA film rating, which states that Twister: The Movie is rated NC-17 for "explicit sexual conduct". Now cut to the title of yet another fake movie...)
Announcer: ...Scrabble: The Movie...
(A clip of the movie is shown: a man and a woman (played by Rob and Heather) playing a game of Scrabble)
Woman: (shrugs) They can't all be epic.
(Cut to the title for...)
Announcer: ...Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Board Game: The Movie!
(Cut to a clip of the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie)
Michelangelo: God, I love being a...
Doug (vo; dubbed over Michelangelo): ...board game character!
(Cut back to the Ninja Turtles board game movie title)
Announcer: Okay, that was a little weak. Well, how about...
(Cut to a shot of the title Clue: The Movie, with the poster for the real movie being added in a few seconds later)
Announcer: Oh, yeah, they made that. (The poster for Twister is shown) And Twister. Well, how about...
(Cut to a shot of the title for Candy Land: The Movie)
Announcer: ...Candy Land?
(Suddenly, however, the shot of an article from The Hollywood Reporter is shown of a potential movie adaptation of the Hasbro board game to star Adam Sandler and be done by Sony, which is being sued)
Announcer: Oh, my God, they tried that?! You know what? Forget it!
(Cut to a shot of an angry face)
Announcer: This is ass! I'm not announcing anything anymore unless it's original!
(Smash-cut to a series of upcoming movies, all either remakes or sequels)
Announcer: I'm...gonna be out of work for a while.
(On that note, we go to the actual NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, we've made movies out of...
NC (vo): ...cards, emojis, cards, vacations, other movies and fetishes.
(Cut to the poster for Battleship)
NC (vo): Why not make one on a board game?
NC: Oh-ho-ho, I'll fucking tell you why!
(The title for Battleship is shown, followed by footage of the movie)
(Shots of the following are superimposed: a Mr. Potato Head, Uncle Pennybags (the Monopoly guy), a My Little Pony doll, a Littlest Pet Shop playset,)
NC (vo): ...there's tons of Hasbro properties that could easily be adapted into a cinematic story. But this is the only other one that went... (makes an explosion sound) ...so it instantly caught Bay's attention. Though he didn’t direct it, his dumb prints all over it like making [Megan] Fox's wardrobe in (A shot is superimposed of Fox as April O'Neil in...) Ninja Turtles. There's a lot of explosions, fast editing, closeups of mechanical things that go... (makes the sound of a mechanical thing) ...and somehow, this all racks up to an over (The words "2 HRS 10 MIN" are shown) two-hour movie! How the fuck is that possible?! Did (A shot of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies is superimposed) Gandalf take one of them on an unexpected journey? Not that it mattered, as the film bombed pretty hard in the United States, which is a shame; I really wanted to see Battleship 2.
(As he says this, a made-up poster for Battleship 2 is shown, with an angry-looking red peg added in with the subtitle: Rise of One of Those Red Peg Things)
NC (vo): So, how did this surprisingly not get people on board with its flawless strategy of "I played that when I was bored; let's sacrifice two hours to it"?
NC: Well, let's find out why this was a definite miss. This is Battleship.
(Dramatic music plays as the words "Universal Pictures presents" are displayed)
NC: (shaking head) Music, you're already taking this way too seriously.
NC (vo): The opening text tells us a planet we'll never see has a nearly identical climate to Earth. Thus, a transmission device was created to make contact, possibly allowing us to communicate with an alien world.
(Cut to a commercial for the game Battleship)
Man: You sank my battleship!
NC: I know! It's so hard to tell them apart!
NC (vo): Time for some (An image of some car keys is shown in the corner) key-waving edits!
Dr. Cal Zapata (played by Hamish Linklater): (to a crowd of reporters) Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare to bear witness to the making of history.
NC: Was that shot too long? We apologize. There's plenty of...
NC (vo): ...whooshing and cutting awaiting you! Ooh, look at all the colors and shapes! They so pwetty! (A baby mobile is shown in the corner with shapes on them with cute eyes) You're a baby!
Dr. Zapata: Start transmission.
NC (vo): So the transmission is made from Hawaii to try and communicate.
(The transmission, in the form of a laser beam, is launched out into space)
NC: Huh, making contact with another planet sure does look like...
NC (vo): ...a laser beam, doesn't it? "Accept our message of peace with concentrated flaming death!"
NC: But we're four minutes into a Bay production. How does this tie in to getting laid?
(We cut to a bar, where we meet our protagonist, Lieut. Commander Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch), as he celebrates his birthday there with his brother, Commander Stone (played by Alexander Skarsgård))
Stone: Happy birthday, blow out your candle, and, uh, make a wish. (A young woman walks into the bar and Alex looks toward her) Do not waste a wish on a girl.
Alex: It's my birthday, my wish.
Stone: Please don't waste it.
NC: Jesus, it's not a stock tip!
NC (vo): It's a candle on a cupcake! Snipers have less stress than you!
Stone: All right, princess, go get 'em.
NC (vo): This is Alex Hopper, played by Taylor...
NC (vo): ..."Christ, Was My Big Break Coming" Kitsch, whose brother, Stone, played by Alexander Skarsgård, is upset he's hitting on yet another woman.
(Alex sits down at a bar, next to a woman [Sam Shane (played by Brooklyn Decker)], who reacts to him in disgust as he drinks his beer)
NC (vo; as Alex): Yeah, she looks into me.
Sam: I want a chicken burrito.
Alex: (to bartender) Chicken burrito her.
Bartender: Kitchen's closed, Hopper.
Alex: (to Sam) I will get you your chicken burrito.
NC: To be fair, getting a chicken burrito...
(A shot of some people playing Battleship is shown in the corner, accompanied by the phrase: "Woah, I wanna chicken burrito!")
NC: ...does sound closer to how a Battleship movie should open up.
Alex: What's your name?
Sam: I'm hungry.
Alex: That's not your name.
NC: (shakes head) I'll give them this: I do want these characters to get blown to smithereens.
NC (vo): He sneaks into a gas station to try and steal a burrito, because that's what heroes do.
(As the Pink Panther theme plays for some reason, chunks of ceiling plaster fall to the floor as Alex tries to break in through the roof. Once inside, the security camera catches him walking up to the burrito display and stealing a burrito)
NC (vo): Yeah, your demographic's really gonna know who the Pink Panther is.
NC: Like they're even old enough to remember (A shot of Steve Martin as Inspector Clouseau from the infamous 2006 Pink Panther movie is shown in the corner) Steve Martin!
NC (vo): Cops rush in using tasers, and the next day, he discovers the woman he asked out, of course, has a powerful father.
(As the unconscious Alex comes to in a bathtub full of ice back home, an irate Stone storms up to him)
Stone: Do you know who her father is? Admiral Shane. He runs the whole damn fleet. You're messing with my job! MY...LIFE!
NC: (as Stone) Don't drag your John Carter into my True Blood!
Stone: You're 26, and what have you got? Sixty-five dollars to your name?
NC: Twenty-six? He looks like he's in his thirties.
(A shot of Taylor Kitsch's Wikipedia page is shown, revealing his birth date as April 8, 1981)
NC (vo): Oh, 'cause he is. Nice de-aging effects.
Stone: It's time for a new course of action, a new direction. You're joining me in the Navy. (Alex stares at Stone in disbelief)
NC: 'Cause that's how it works.
NC (vo; as Stone): You're joining the Navy! (as Alex) Nope!
(A snippet of the opening credits is shown, then we cut to the Navy base in question in Hawaii, Pearl Harbor, to be precise, with a news broadcast on the local TV station, KEQA, covering RIMPAC 2012)
NC (vo): How Michael Bay is this film? Even the news acts like it was edited by ten monkeys.
Newscaster 1: Coming to Hawaii for RIMPAC...
Newscaster 2: (overlapping) ...RIMPAC is the world's largest multinational maritime exercise.
Newscaster 3: RIMPAC is a military ballet...
NC: This is all happening with...
NC (vo): ...the same caption at the bottom!
NC: Is this all supposed to be one story?
NC (vo): Is news now just people talking over each other, barely hearing a damn thing–
(Cut to a clip of a news broadcast on CNN, showing several newscasters arguing with each other inaudibly (the news item being the House of Representatives voting to condemn Donald Trump for racist remarks while GOP leaders vow to defend Trump from such accusations))
NC (vo): Okay, you got that one.
(Cut back to the movie as an establishing shot of Pearl Harbor is shown)
NC (vo): Years later, we see all that intense naval training putting Alex to the test...
(Cut abruptly to a soccer game, where Alex is playing)
NC (vo): ...in soccer. All right.
(Stone and Alex are playing in the game)
NC: Sorry, you must be at least (The volleyball match from Top Gun is shown in the corner) this gay if you want to be the volleyball scene from Top Gun (nods).
Sportscaster: The U.S. is finally on the board!
(Alex spots Sam and runs up and hugs and kisses her)'
NC: Guess she got her chicken burrito.
(As we cut back to NC, a clip of an episode of Animaniacs is shown in the corner)
Yakko Warner: (blowing a kiss) Good night, everybody!
Alex: Get ready for overtime.
(Alex kicks the ball toward the goal, but he kicks it so hard that it actually flies over the goal. His team loses the game)
NC (vo): Alex botches the finishing goal, but he has bigger things on his mind, like asking the father of his girlfriend Sam, played by Brooklyn Decker, if he can marry her.
(We then cut to the battleship, the U.S.S. Missouri, where Admiral Terrance Shane (Liam Neeson) is addressing a RIMPAC gathering)
Adm. Shane: First off, I'd like to welcome you all to the RIMPAC International Naval War Games.
NC: Boy, that guy does a terrible Liam Neeson...
NC (vo): ...impression– Oh, it is Liam Neeson. Sorry.
(A tour guide is showing a group of people around)
Guide: The U.S.S. Missouri was the final battleship to be completed by the United States.
Young Boy: What's the difference between a battleship and a destroyer?
(As we cut back to NC, we see posters for both Destroyer and Battleship)
NC: One got a lot better reviews than the other. (nods)
NC (vo): Sam's father is honoring veterans, which Alex shows up late to...
(Cut to a clip of Back to the Future Part III)
Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox): He's an asshole.
(Cut back to Battleship)
NC (vo): ...as the comic relief [Boatswains mate Seaman Jimmy "Ordy" Ord], played by Jesse Plemons... He has a name, but it's not worth it. ...makes fun of the way different nations say hello.
NC: (laughs) Classic routine!
Adm. Shane: Japan...
Ordy: (under his breath, sarcastically) Konnichiwa.
Adm. Shane: Malaysia...
Ordy: Allo... (to crew mate Petty Officer Cora Raikes (played by Rihanna)) It's so close. Like the way we say it.
Adm. Shane: Australia...
Raikes: (under her breath) Shut...up!
NC: (staring) You need medicine.
Raikes: Go mess with him and see what happens.
Raikes: Dude, chicken? Kentucky Fried Chicken? You look like Colonel Sanders, actually.
Ordy: He was a handsome man.
NC: Do you need small brains to write small talk?
NC (vo): Alex gets more nervous asking Neeson for permission probably than he did asking his fiancee to marry him.
Alex: (practicing in the mirror) It'd be an honor to have your permission, sir. (cut) Give me your permission! What's your deal? (cut) It'd be a thankful honor to have your permission...to honor your hand.
NC: (shaking head) This is so much more fun than watching shit blow up.
NC (vo): But a sucker opponent walks in and they get in a fight, forcing him to report to Neeson.
Adm. Shane: (to Alex) What...is wrong with you? You've got skills, but I have never, ever...seen a man waste them like you.
NC: Yeah, they keep saying he has these skills, but what are they, exactly?
NC (vo): Kicking balls over nets, getting tased for grand theft burrito, and asking his father-in-law to marry him? (An image of Popeye pops up) Popeye's a more credible sailor!
Adm. Shane: You're a very smart individual, with very weak character, leadership and decision-making skills.
NC: That's why you're a FUCKING LIEUTENANT IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY!!
NC (vo): Yeah, lieutenant! He's a fucking lieutenant in this! That's not something you fall ass-backwards into; it takes a ton of discipline and focus! And what are his weaknesses?
Adm. Shane: Very weak character, leadership and decision-making skills.
NC: So, besides lacking the things that make you a damn good lieutenant, (points to camera) you're a damn good lieutenant! (nods)
Adm. Shane: Do you have anything to say to me? Anything?!
NC (vo; as Alex): I would like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage– (as Shane) Blow me! (normal) Regardless, he's sent out on a training mission, and, big surprise, he doesn't have much respect from his crew.
Raikes: (aside to another crew member) We've ended up in a department run by a Donald Trump-Mike Tyson mutant combo.
Alex: What was that, Petty Officer Raikes? I swear you said Donald Trump.
NC (vo): Ah, this was before he was so popular.
(We then cut inside the room of the Commanding Officer of the USS Sampson)
Shane: (to Alex) I just got off the phone with the JAG.
NC (vo): Alex gets the bad news that once this mission is over, they're probably gonna kick him out of the Navy.
Alex: You've got to make some calls.
Shane: Some calls?
Alex: There's gotta be–
Shane: (sharply) Who do I call to teach you humility?
NC: Aside from a character testing invasion of Transformer dicks, I see no way out of this.
NC (vo): We see Sam works as a physical therapist and has been assigned to a difficult amputee patient named Mick, who is easily the best thing in this movie. Not only is he an engaging actor, as well as actually served in the military, but he really did lose his legs in the call of duty. I'm not gonna lie, that's...pretty fucking cool that they went with a real amputee as well as a guy from the military rather than an average actor just using effects.
Mick (Gregory D. Gadson): I'm half a man. And half a man ain't enough to be a soldier. That's all I've ever known.
NC (vo): It makes the character and performance even more interesting when you know there's this authenticity behind&ndahs; Oop! Back to Gambit on the USS Milton Bradley!
Alex: (talking on the phone to Sam) I'm sorry. I messed up.
Sam: (on the phone) Stop messing things up, okay?
Alex: Copy that.
NC: (as Alex, shaking head) I swear I won't do another (Poster of the following appears in the corner...) Snakes on a Plane. (suddenly holds up hand) No! I can't make that promise.
NC (vo): But aliens land on Earth... again, just like the game! ...and the Secretary of Defense, played by Peter McNichol...
NC: (nodding, wide-eyed) Oh, now I can take the film seriously!
NC (vo): ...looks over the invasion.
Secretary of Defense: I'm hoping somebody here can explain this to me.
NC (vo; as Secretary of Defense): Did I hear right? I'm in a Battleship movie? Like, the game?!
Secretary of Defense: Well, what is NASA present in this room for?
NC: (crosses arms) You'll quickly find the role of the suits in this movie is to dumb things down whenever a sentence begins with "So..." or "You're saying..." or "So, you're saying...".
(A montage of cuts is shown to prove his point)
Suit 1: So what is it?
Defense Secretary: So we have nobody in there?
Suit 2: So it's conceivable we do have nobody inside.
Defense Secretary: So you were saying, if we sent out a signal...
Defense Secretary: (addressing Dr. Zapata on a screen) So you're saying that a flying telephone...cratered...
NC: (as Defense Secretary) So you're saying I'm just an incredible tool!
Offscreen voice: We all are, sir.
NC (vo): As you'd expect, the Navy sees the ships land, but they don't show up on their radars. They send a raft to check it out.
Alex: (speaking on a communicator) This is the U.S. Navy warship John Paul Jones. I'm attempting to communicate with you.
NC: That's what the Navy would say: "I'm attempting to communicate with you." (nods)
NC (vo; as Alex): I am also a human being, wearing clothes. On a raft. With Rihanna. (Posters for Valerian, Ocean's 8, Home and the 2014 version of Annie are superimposed) Whose film choices are about as good as mine right now. (normal again) Alex approaches the alien craft and tries to touch it.
(But when he does, he gets such an electrical shock that it sends him flying backwards into the water, his arms and legs flailing around as he does)
NC (vo): Aw, geez!
NC: Pinocchio had better wire work!
(Suddenly, the ship rises out of the water to an explosion of water, roaring as it does so)
NC (vo): Naturally, the alien ships attack. Oh, tell me somebody says, (dopey voice) "That's not good!"
Alex: (hushed) That's not good.
NC: Thanks, writers of My Spy. (The poster for that movie is shown in the corner)
NC (vo): And they start launching their alien missiles at them.
(One NAVY crewman, having been blown through the air by a missile blast, looks up to spot a missile landing next to him)
NC (vo; as the crewman): It says, "Ages 8 and up".
(This missile and all others explode, blowing up ships and sending crewmen and debris flying in all directions. Some crewmen and debris fly toward the camera, but slow to a stop and then fly backwards)
NC: (shakes head) No, please don't rewind any of this.
(The backward motion slows to a stop and again plays forward)
NC (vo): Stone's ship is targeted as well, and he gets wiped out.
(Stone watches in horror as the alien missiles embed in his ship)
NC (vo; as Stone): Lie to my wife and say I died bravely! (His ship explodes, killing him instantly)
Alex: Who's next to full senior?
Ordy: You are.
Chief Petty Officer Walter "Beast" Lynch (played by John Tui): It's your ship, sir. You're a senior officer.
NC: (as Alex, saluting) Sir! Permission to stressfully exhale, sir!
Offscreen voice: Granted.
(NC takes in a breath, then exhales, gasping)
NC (vo): Alex takes control, and we're about to see his "smart" lieutenant skills form a brilliant plan: fucking ram 'em!
Alex: Get the guns online and we ram this thing! They killed my brother and every man on his ship!
(An alien ship takes aim on Alex's ship)
NC (vo): You know, he'd ironically be terrible at playing Battleship.
(NC is playing Battleship with someone)
Offscreen voice: Your turn.
NC: Ram 'em!
Offscreen voice: Um, miss. B-3.
NC: NOOOOO! You killed my brother and every man on his ship!
Offscreen voice: So I win?
NC: (grudgingly) Yeah, you win.
Offscreen voice: Twenty bucks.
(NC grudgingly reaches into his pants)
Ordy: Sir, please–
Alex: Set the course to 3-1-0!
NC (vo): But there's people drowning on the other damaged ships? (scoffs) So?
Beast: There's sailors in the water.
Alex: Get the guns online and we're gonna ram this thing.
Beast: (grabbing Alex and shaking him) There are sailors in the water, sir!
NC: (as Beast) Also, I'm hungry!
NC (vo): They alter their course to save them, and the aliens launch... Oh, let's use the official Bay term... (A shot of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is shown, displaying the infamous image of...) "Enemy scrotums"...towards the people on dry land.
(The "enemy scrotums" plow through an airfield on the shore, blowing up helicopters. Then we cut to a Little League baseball game in progress)
NC: Junior League? What do think this film's about, a kids' game?!
(One of the scrotums plows into the game in progress. It stops in front of one of the kids up at bat and stops)
NC (vo; as scrotum, high-pitched voice): Hey, kid, can you help me? I'm supposed to pimp out a boulder chasing an archaeologist. (The scrotum rolls off without hurting the kid) Eh, forget it. Maybe I can crash at Chain Chomp's house tonight.
(One scrotum breaks up highway pavement, sending passing cars crashing into the ground. Another scrotum destroys parked helicopters as it passes by them)
NC: Why didn't these things get their own flick?
(We then cut back to Mick and Sam still walking along together)
Mick: My grandmother could climb this mountain.
Sam: It's a start, Mick.
(Suddenly, an alien spacecraft whizzes past them)
NC (vo; as alien): Hey, just a reminder: you're still in this movie. Bye!
Sheriff: The island's under attack.
Mick: Attack by who?
Sheriff: People using the word "alien".
NC: (as sheriff) You do know that this a Battleship movie, right?
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes on Alex's ship)
NC (vo): Back on the ship, Alex questions if he's truly ready to take on this command.
Beast: (to Alex) Sir, we need you.
Alex: I can't.
Beast: If you can't, who can?
NC: Literally anybody. (The shot of Ordy mocking Adm. Shane's greeting is shown in the corner) I trust that guy making fun of people saying hello over him.
NC (vo): They recover one of the aliens and examine him to see what they can figure out.
Raikes: My dad said they'd come. Said it my whole life. He said one day we'd find them, or they'd find us. You know what else he said?
NC: (feigned excitement) Please, do tell, as nobody has ever made this prediction before!
Raikes: "Hope I ain't around when that day comes."
NC: (as the poster for the movie appears in the corner) Well, I'm on board for that one.
NC (vo): Other aliens break in, though, and they continue to invade the ship.
(One alien scans the ship and Beast approaches nervously)
NC: (as Beast) Um...stop?
(The alien starts draining the ship from the inside, but Beast attacks it with a fire axe)
NC (vo; as Beast): Stop sucking out our story! You know we have as little as there is!
(Outside, Alex spots another alien and lures it toward a cannon, manned by Raikes)
NC (vo): Alex lures the alien toward one of the cannons and... Okay, yeah, this is pretty awesome.
(The alien sees that the cannon is aimed point-blank at its face)
Raikes: Mahalo, mother...
(She fires the cannon, blasting the alien to flaming bits and knocking the bits overboard)
NC: Aw, you missed the comic relief saying...
(The scene replays, with a shot of Ordy in the corner)
NC (vo; as Ordy): ...Mahalo? (scoffs) Sounds foreign.
(We then return to Sam and Mick, who discover an alien coming toward them. They hide behind the sheriff's jeep)
NC (vo): Sam and Mick are also approached by the aliens and are nearly discovered, but... (The alien's attention is then grabbed by some grazing horses; silly voice) HORSIES!
(The alien scans the horses)
NC (vo; as alien): Wait for the sign that our prisoners will be released! YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES!
Sam: (speaking into police communicator) Can anyone hear me?
(One of the scientists on the program, Dr. Nogrady (played by Adam Godley), runs up)
NC (vo): They're approached by one of the people [Dr. Nogrady] who worked on the Beacon. And yes, I will constantly remind you, he's supposed to be a scientist.
Dr. Nogrady: (pointing at Mick's artificial legs and freaking out) OH, SHIT, IS HE A CYBORG?! (starts to run off, but trips and falls) ARE YOU GUYS INSANE?!
NC: (deadpan) He's supposed to be a scientist.
NC (vo; as Dr. Nogrady): OH, SHIT, IS THAT A GROWN-UP GIRL?! OH, SHIT, IS THAT A HORSELESS CARRIAGE?! OH, SHIT, IS THIS HAWAII?! (normal) Meanwhile, the news reports on the aliens wreaking havoc.
(The alien invasion is shown as a top story on MSNBC)
Newswoman: Scientists have confirmed that there was a UFO landing in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Hawaii.
NC (vo): Being MSNBC, we will jump to the conclusion that these aliens are sexist, racist, and currently being canceled.
(We then cut back to Alex's ship as the crew discusses what to do)
NC (vo): They put together a plan to locate the alien ships without using the radars.
Asian crewman: Water displacement. Tsunami buoys.
Alex: Tsunami buoys?
(They look toward a radar screen, which shows a grid lighting: "B-381 degrees", "C-383 degrees", etc.)
NC (vo; as Alex): My God, it's just like that game, Jenga!
Asian crewman: We will practice it as a contingency.
Alex: I like it.
NC: I wonder if anyone was legit excited when they stayed true to the source material.
NC (vo): Like, was there anyone in the audience shouting...
(Cut to a shot of a movie theater where this movie is playing. It is mostly empty, except for one offscreen person, whose voice provided by Doug)
Voice: WHOO! THEY DID IT! THEY SHOWED THE GRID! JUST LIKE THE GAME! ISN'T THAT AMAZING, GUYS?! WHOO! (beat) God, I wish I wasn't the only in here!
(Cut back to the movie, as we reunite again with Mick, Sam and Dr. Nogrady, while aliens start to appear. It's dark out now, having become night)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, back on dry land, it looks aliens have taken over a base. (as Dr. Nogrady) OH, SHIT, DID SOMEBODY KIDNAP THE SUN?!
Sam: (to Dr. Nogrady) Do you have a piece of equipment that can make a call?
Dr. Nogrady: Yeah.
Mick: You're gonna go get it.
NC (vo): So he's sent into the base to get some technology to send a message.
(Dr. Nogrady looks up to spot an alien)
NC (vo; as Dr. Nogrady): OH, SHIT, ARE YOU ROBBY THE ROBOT?!
(The alien scans Dr. Nogrady. The next scene shows Dr. Nogrady fleeing the base, holding the technology)
NC (vo): Thank God aliens are dumbasses..
NC: What, (A shot of a woman in a metallic swimsuit with Dr. Nogrady's head is shown in the corner) did he remind you of a lover back from home?
NC (vo): ...as back on the ship, they try their best to follow the buoys where the alien crafts might be.
Crewman: Romeo, 2-6.
(A block labeled "R26" lights up on the screen. Everyone watches and stares silently)
NC: I... (blinks eyes and shrugs) guess it's not surprising that I'm saying this, but...Battleship is kinda boring.
NC (vo): If you told a kid he'd get to play Battleship for ten minutes, he'd be fine, but if you told it's for two hours and ten minutes, I think he'd choose (The title for Caillou pops up) death by Caillou.
(They find the alien ship and fire on it, blowing it to kingdom come. The crew cheers)
NC (vo): They defeat one of the crafts, but they launch more Iron Giant nads.
(One scrotum hits the ship and tries to burrow through the wall. Inside, Ordy flees with the rest of the crew, but stops when he sees the scrotum banging on the door, trying to break it down)
NC (vo; as Ordy): Who is it?
(The scrotum smashes through the door and comes at Ordy, who scrambles away)
NC (vo; as Ordy): Well, that's a weird way to say hello. (The earlier scene of Ordy mocking the foreign greetings is shown in the corner) "Kaboom!" Sounds alien.
(The scrotum destroys the ship and it starts to sink, Alex and the Asian crewmate clinging to the wreckage as it goes down vertically)
NC: (incredulously) What are you, Batman and Robin? (A shot of Batman and Robin (from the 1960s TV show) climbing a building is shown in the corner) Nobody can climb something that steep!
(As the ship goes down, Alex and the Asian spot the ship's propellers as they prepare to jump off)
NC (vo; as the Asian crewmate): Alex, this is where we first met!
(They jump off the ship just as the scrotum cuts it up, right where they were standing. We then cut to the perspective of another crewmate on another ship, looking out at the sinking through a pair of binoculars)
NC (vo; as General Patton): Aliens? You magnificent bastards, you sunk my BATTLESHIP! (normal) They make it back to land where the only ship they have left is an old relic currently being used as a museum. Yeah, it's like an old Buick: just pop the keys in, she'll start right up.
Navy veteran: (to Alex) What do you need, son?
Alex: I need to borrow your boat.
NC (vo): So they decide to use the veterans as crew, as they're the ones who know the most about how to operate the ship. Well, you know, that's nice: showing respect for the elders who defended this country and treating them with dignity by utilizing their strengths... (beat, then the movie poster pops up) IN BATTLESHIP!! (as one elderly veteran) Oh, it's nice to finally be treated seriously in this World War II film. (as a second veteran) It's Battleship. (as first veteran) Is this another movie we're starring in? (as second veteran) It's Battleship. (as a third veteran) Well, at least we won't be in anything like those ridiculous Transformer movies. (as second veteran) Why do we have to use real vets? My conscience is killing me.
(As the old battleship, the USS Missouri, pulls around, the crew spots two beams of light shining from two alien ships)
NC (vo): They reach the aliens and discover they're sending out a signal for reinforcements back to their home world.
(The ships rise out of the water, revealing a single giant mothership, which arms itself)
NC: Man, why couldn't these aliens be like the ones from Signs?
NC (vo): These guys are ready to bet on a planet that's mostly water. The Signs aliens would be like...
(The Signs aliens pop up and then sink into the water)
NC (vo; as one of the aliens): ..."Now, let's get to the..." (makes "blub-blub" sound as the aliens go down; normal) The aliens fire on them, but Alex uses the anchor to swing the other way. I think every senior on that ship now looks like this. (An image of a group of dead, bloody soldiers is superimposed) And they go on the offensive.
Navy vet: (looking through a pair of binoculars) Let's drop some lead on those mother...
Alex: FIRE! (The cannons fire)
NC: Ooh! (holds up two fingers) Two almost-F-bombs! Everybody always talks about those who almost push the envelope.
NC (vo): While that's going on, Sam and Mick start kicking ass on land as well.
(Mick headbutts the alien attacking them and pulls its head off)
NC (vo): So the aliens are defeated by people with missing limbs, the elderly, and the nearsighted.
NC: (throws up arms exasperatedly) These really are the dipshits from Signs, aren't they?!
NC (vo): It looks like the Air Force delivers the final blow...
(One of the pilots is an Aussie named Boomer)
NC (vo; dramatically): Boomer...is retiring this joke. (normal) And the day is saved.
(Everyone on the Missouri cheers as the alien ships are destroyed and smoldering)
NC: (holds up index finger) Ah, but don't forget about the surprise twist about what this all really is...
(The scene replays, then we cut to a clip of Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, showing Bill and Ted playing Battleship with Death)
Death: You have sunk my battleship.
Bill and Ted: Excellent! (They high-five one another) Yeah!
NC: Tell me that wouldn't instantly fix every problem!
(A ceremony is held to honor the military personnel. Dr. Nogrady, who is in attendance, applauds)
NC (vo; as Dr. Nogrady): OH, SHIT, IS THIS A VILLAGE PEOPLE CONCERT?!
Adm. Shane: We take great pride in honoring the many men and women who demonstrated exceptional gallantry.
NC (vo): (as Raikes steps up and Sam applauds) Well, woman. I mean, did Sam ever do anything?
(An earlier scene is shown as the aliens attack Dr. Nogrady and Sam in the jeep and the latter cries hysterically)
Dr. Nogrady: Calm down, okay?! I'm gonna friggin' save this!
NC (vo): Yeah, that's a hard "no".
(Cut back to the ceremony)
Adm. Shane: (to Alex) It is my great pleasure to present with a Silver Star for your exceptional heroism and combat operations.
NC:' (as Adm. Shane) To a man I was going to fire literally a week ago!
Adm. Shane: Lieutenant Commander Alex Harper.
(Everyone applauds, then Sam embraces Alex)
NC (vo): What do you think? Romantic couple whose love survived the end of the world, or two actors just found out they had a scene today?
Sam: (embracing Alex) Congratulations.
Alex: Thank you. How are you?
Sam: (taking off Alex's hat) Good, how are you?
Alex: I love you.
Sam: I love you.
(In response, NC sings dramatically (I forget what it is, though))
NC (vo): Oh, and he finally asks Neeson for permission to marry his daughter.
Alex: I'm asking your permission to marry your daughter.
Adm. Shane: No.
(We then cut to the end credits. We then cut back to Alex and Shane's exchange)
NC (vo): If only... No, of course he says yes, with, I suppose, a witty line.
NC: But honestly, it sounds more like the box office just giving this film the bad news.
Adm. Shane: (with the words "BOX OFFICE" over his face) We'll discuss the terms of your surrender over a meal.
Alex: (with the word "MOVIE" over his face) Yes, sir.
NC (vo): But wait, there's an after-credits sequence!
(...in which three teenagers and a handyman in Scotland discover a crashed alien pod)
NC (vo): Oh, I do hope it's a tie-in with the Hungry Hippos cinematic universe.
(As the four of them look into the pod, an alien hand reaches out, and they run off in terror)
NC: (holds up hand) Trust me, I'd be scared of a sequel, too. But it ain't gonna happen. (shakes head)
(Footage of the movie is shown one last time as NC gives his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): Battleship impressed few critics and audiences, resulting in a lackluster return. And...are you really that shocked? The movie feels phoned-in on almost every level. Even with the massive budget, the film looks and sounds like it was directed by (image of...) the Chart Guys, going off notes of what worked in the past, rather than telling a story they always wanted to tell. The characters are lame, the story's uninspired, and with the exception of those Terminator Langoliers, even the action's pretty dull. I'm not sure there were many who were expecting much from this movie, but from my standpoint, this shit was sunk on arrival.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves)
(The screen cuts to black and some come up words, which a trailer announcer (voiced by Malcolm) reads...)
Announcer: Coming this summer... The most epic adaptation of any game ever. (The words fade out) Witness... (The logo for the following board game is shown...) The Game of Life!
(Cut to a montage of various Channel Awesome performers all doing things in life: Tamara is brushing her teeth while wearing a sleeping mask that reads "Stay Home, Do Spells"; Malcolm is reading a book called "Waterways" (the poster for Black Panther hangs on the wall behind him); Aiyanna is watching TV while wearing a shirt that reads "That's What I Do. I Drink and I Know Things."; and Heather is sleeping. Then cut back to the Life logo to a dramatic sting)
Announcer: You've never seen anything more life-defining.
Channel Awesome tagline – Ordy: G'day...
(The credits roll)