Batman and Robin: The Official Comic Adaptation
August 22, 2016
Biggles and the Menace from Outer Space
Superman and the TRS-80 Tandy Computer Whiz: Victory by Computer
What killed the dinosaurs? Ice puns.
[We open on Linkara sitting on the green futon in front of his book shelf wearing his dress shirt, tie and vest.]
Linkara: [Unenthused] Hey, that asshole, ghoul, Moarte, told me he wants you guys to check out the “Longbox of the Damned” 2016 bumper contest. You can find it here [Points to the link for the Youtube video] I just…who is that guy anyway? [Cut to black then back to Linkara] Hello and welcome to Atop The 4th Wall, where bad comics burn! It’s amazing what 19 years will do for a movie. Hell, rounding up for 2017, it will have been 20 years since the release of Batman and Robin.
[Cut to footage of the movie]
Linkara [v/o]: Oh me, oh my, oh me. Batman and Robin was rejected outright for being campy, stupid, ridiculous, almost every piece of dialogue containing puns, and just being an unmitigated mess of a film. But in the intervening 20 years, the pendulum has swung the other way. Batman movies, for many, feel too dark, at least for Batman V. Superman: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack. And even then, there was debate over Dark Knight Rises and its quality as a film, not necessarily that it was dark, but people were split over whether they liked it or not. So the question then becomes: when you have a movie where Batman is much more of a killer, more seasoned, more serious than other portrayals, where they’re directly lifting dialogue from Frank Miller comics for the film, is Batman and Robin really that bad?
Linkara: OH LORD, YES! It’s just a reminder that there isn’t only one way a movie can be bad, there are so many things that can go wrong with it. There are defenders of Batman and Robin as well, and there is something to be said to enjoy it because it’s a “so bad, it’s good” movie.
Linkara [v/o]: Part of the problem here, really, is tone. The 1st three movies [Batman (1989), Batman Returns, and Batman Forever], to varying degrees, have a darker, more psychological mood that’s really more for adults than kids. Now, as I said, varying degrees and you can certainly make arguments that the psychological themes are not particularly sophisticated. But there’s still a lot there that doesn’t really seem intended for children. Hell, that’s one of the issues Batman Returns faced, considering all the tie-in material for kids. You could argue Batman and Robin is especially more geared towards children, but then they really pushed the sexuality angle for Poison Ivy, so the movie doesn’t seem to know who it’s made for. And it’s not like you can’t do dark for kids, the origin for Mr. Freeze is lifted from Batman: The Animated Series and that was pretty damn dark at points, but we’ll get into why that story worked there versus here during the actual review. But yeah, as a follow up to the 3 films that were darker than this, less so Batman Forever, but still, it just doesn’t feel like it’s in the same series at all. Alternatively, a better defense I’ve seen of the film is that it’s essentially an adaptation of the Adam West Batman series, with its over the top villains, puns, much goofier atmosphere, you could ever argue “George Clooney’s very subdued performance in this is him emulating Adam West.” However, my argument against that is: 1) The Adam West series never went for pathos like this one does with some of its subplots, 2) It doesn’t look like the Adam West series, which was bright and colorful while this is dark and the color comes from neon, and 3) The Adam West series was actually funny!
Linkara: This one shot is 63 pages long, so we should get going here. Let’s dig into the comic adaptation of Batman and Robin-[Cut to static then to the Nostalgia Critic] Wait, what?
NC: Ok, Linkara, let’s do this.
NC: I prepared for this mentally; let’s just get it over with.
Linkara: The hell are you talking about?
NC: You’re reviewing a comic adaptation of Batman and Robin, the movie that has a certain infamous moment in it and you yourself have used it to torture me after our Superman IV crossover! [Linkara does not look amused by the Critic’s interruption.] Come on, you know everybody’s waiting for it, people accost me about it all the time. They give me these handmade replicas, they give me giant versions of it, they’ve even given me pillow of it! Let’s just get on with the bit, [Waves his hands in the air] I’ll rant and scream, and we can just get on with our lives. Do it. Do it! DO IT!
Linkara: Batman is rich.
NC: [Throws his fists in the air in anger] A BAT CREDIT CA- wait, what?
Linkara: He is rich and has funneled that money into his crime fighting enterprises through shell companies and false identities.
NC: [Still confused] I don’t get what your-
Linkara: And being someone who prepares for multiple eventualities, as demonstrated in both comics and TV, wherein, he’s actually utilized his money to solve a situation or bought something that he wouldn’t normally carry with him, which would include, say…
Linkara [v/o]: …diapers for a rescued baby or coffee to keep himself awake. Plus, his tendency to accessorize his crime fighting tools to fit his motif, from something understandable like a fearsome vehicle, to something silly, like his projectiles resembling a bat [Critic looking worried] and the fore mentioned usage of shell companies to aquire items…
Linkara: [Angry] What exactly is so ridiculous and anger inducing about a BAT. CREDIT. CARD?! [Critic, looking scared around the room, hoping to find the answer.] Critic?
Linkara: Get in the corner!
Linkara: [Cheerful again] Let’s dig into the comic adaptation of [Holds up comic] Batman and Robin! Which, by the way, doesn’t have the bat credit card in it anyway.
[Cut to the intro and theme, followed by the title card and then the cover of the comic.]
Linkara [v/o]: The cover is fairly meh, I’ll give is credit for the symmetry of Robin and Batgirl both on motorcycles, but Mr. Freeza and Poison Ivy are just kind of shoved up top, and the background is just a weird blue and white void. We open with…Batman and Robin in front of a green screen and a director yelling “action” [?]
Linkara: Oh, Damn it! I accidentally got the comic adaptation of the making of Batman and Robin!
Linkara [v/o]: Yeah, I seriously have no idea what the hell this is. I was recently sent the other movie adaptations as donations; none of them do anything like this. It’s like even the comic creators wanted to remind you “Readers, this is just the movie crap, the comics aren’t this ridiculous.”
Linkara: Which would be correct, the comics are much more serious. Isn’t that right Jason Woodrue and your plan to take over the world by getting everybody high on?
Linkara [v/o]: Anyway, in the scene, Batman is explaining to Robin what’s going on.
Batman: The Batcomputer tracks a giant drilling truck burrowing under the city, heading for the museum.
Linkara: Oh yeah, and I’ve decided not to do my standard “gravely Batman voice” for authenticities sake. After all, George Clooney couldn’t be bothered to act in this movie; so, I want to mimic that level of commitment.
Robin: Of course, he’s going to steal the giant white diamond.
Linkara: Pfft! As if Homeworld’s gonna let him get away with that.
Linkara [v/o]: And, true to their remarks, Mr. Freeze’s supped-up battle wagon spike thing smashes through a wall at the museum.
Mr. Freeze: [Linkara doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression] The iceman cometh.
Linkara: Uh, I think somebody should tell the iceman he’s double-parked.
Linkara [v/o]: He fires his freeze gun at the diamond display, which seems unnecessary, since I’m sure he could’ve just smashed it with his arm or whatever.
Mr. freeze: In all this universe, there is only one absolute. Everything—freezes!
Linkara: Exactly; flames, the smell of forests after a rainstorm, the ethical debate over the death penalty, everything freezes!
Linkara [v/o]: Batman and Robin crash through the museum’s ceiling window.
Mr. Freeze: You’re not sending me to the cooler.
Mr. Freeze/Linkara: Damn, if only I had some weapon that could freeze them!
Linkara [v/o]: Robin kicks some of Freeze’s goons in this…really terrible pose. I mean, geez, he looks like an action figure whose arms you pull back to activate his kicking feature [Well, a lot of the movie was designed by Kenner to sell action figures]. Oh, and then there’s his outfit, which is essentially Nightwing, but red and a cape. So basically, this movie predicted the new 52 Nightwing. Oh and actually, a cape for Nightwing doesn’t look all that bad, just a thought. Batman pursues Freeze into his vehicle, where instead of just driving off, he activates some kind of rocket that he had attached to it that clearly takes up the bulk of the car’s form. He freezes Batman’s hands to the walls of the rocket, instead of just hitting him straight on, because all that brain space usually devoted to intelligence has been diverted to the part responsible for puns.
Mr. Freeze: Can you feel it coming? The icy cold of space. At 30,000 feet your heart will freeze and beat no more.
Linkara: 1) No it won’t. 2) “Icy cold of space?” 30,000 feet isn’t even close to the Carmen line, which is usually considered the border of outer space. Perhaps you should have said, “The icy cold of slightly higher than Mount Everest.”
Linkara [v/o]: Freeze declares that once Batman is frozen, the capsule will fall back onto Gotham and kill thousands. And he’s doing this because…I don’t know; he’s just kind of an asshole and is ready to casually mass murder people. Robin managed to stick to the side of the capsule and forces his way inside after Mr. Freeze ejects himself from it.
Batman: I thought you were going to stay in the museum—
Robin: How about, nice to see you? Glad you’re here—to save my live.
Batman: When we get home, we’re having a little communications workshop.
Batman/Linkara: Not about this, mind you. It’s just federal regulations require us to have sensitivity training if I’m going to keep writing off the cave on my taxes.
Batman: Got to make sure this rocket doesn’t turn Gotham into a crater.
Linkara [v/o]: Ok, I don’t doubt that when that thing falls, it’ll cause some damage, probably kill a lot of people. But, unless Gotham is only one city block, I doubt it’ll turn the entire thing into a crater. The 2 eject out, using the doors of the rocket as skydiving boards while the rocket explodes behind them. Behold this shot, a perfect visual analogy of everything ludicrous in this film! Also, somewhere Michael Bay just orgasmed and he doesn’t know why. Mr. Freeze, apparently deciding to not use his jet pack anymore, creates an ice slide for him to fall down on, which is conveniently used by Batman and Robin to get to the ground safely. The battle wagon arrives again and Mr. Freeze suddenly remembers: “Oh yeah, I can freeze them.” And does so to Robin.
Mr. Freeze: Can you be cold, Batman? You have eleven minutes to thaw the bird.
Mr. Freeze/Linkara: I would just shoot you too, but then who would hear my puns?! I am powerless without an audience!
Linkara [v/o]: Also, what does he mean “11 minutes to thaw him?” I doubt his freezing gun is really the same as being cryogenically frozen or being put in stasis. Which means his body should die from lack of oxygen after only 4 minutes, assuming the shock from the rapid temperature drop doesn’t finish him off right away.
Mr. Freeze: Your emotions make you weak. That is why this day is mine.
Mr. Freeze/Linkara: I am so happy about emotions making you weak! I have a smile on my soul!
Linkara [v/o]: Batman thaws Robin using a hand held Bat-laser, a common crime fighting tool, and we cut to “Somewhere in the South American jungle,” where Pamela Isley is recording her log into her tape recorder.
Pamela Isley: If I can find the correct dose of venom, these plants will be able to fight back like animals.
Uma Thurman/Linkara: After that, maybe get back to Tarantino about that “Kill Bob” movie or whatever he wants to make.
Linkara [v/o]: She’s joined by Jason Woodrue, who of course I referenced earlier in his role as the Floronic Man in the comics. And, of course, like everyone else in the movie, he’s played by a talented actor [John Glover] who’s hamming it up, because they get a paycheck either way. In a further bizarre turn, we actually have another villain introduced here, because Jason Woodue is now creating Bane, as part of a super-soldier experiment, that he [Jason Woodue] plans to sell to the highest bidder.
Jason Woodue: I call this little number—Bane…bane of humanity.
Linkara: Yeah, nobody cared who he was until he put on the mask.
Linkara [v/o]: Dr. Isley is found out spying on this operation and Woodrue offers her the chance to join him.
Isley: Join you? When you corrupt my research into some maniacal scheme for world domination?
Linkara: Actually, his maniacal scheme is to make money, not take over the world. Now, if you only care about plants fighting against mammals, what the hell do you care about humans will kill each other off with beefy Mexican wrestlers?
Linkara [v/o]: In one of the few legitimately funny bits of dialogue, which is probably more thanks to John Glover’s delivery than the line it self, Woodrue responds…
Jason Woodrue: Well, I can respect your opinion. Sadly, I’m no good at rejection. I’m afraid you’ll have to die.
Linkara [v/o]: And he tosses her into some chemicals, which kill her because…uh, science. We cut over to the Batcave, where Bruce and Dick are recounting Mr. Freeze’s origin.
Bruce Wayne: After his wife contracted a rare disease, McGregor’s Syndrome, he hoped to freeze her—until he could discover a cure. Here’s where everything goes north.
Linkara [v/o]: Glass containing a liquid that was 50 below, soaks Dr. Fries. [His regular name is Victor Fries.]
Alan “Dutch” Schaefer/Linkara: [Holding his arms and shivering like he’s cold.] See, now the Predator will never see me coming!
Linkara [v/o]: The liquid mutates him so that he can only survive in sub-zero temperatures.
Bruce: His cryo-suit uses diamond-enhanced lasers to keep him at zero degrees.
Linkara: You know, if Freeze can afford his high tech suit, the battlewagon, and a rocket capable of going 30,000 feet in mere minutes, maybe he could just buy the diamonds he needs?
Linkara [v/o]: Bruce thinks of luring Freeze into a trap using some diamonds he owns, but he also tell Robin he needs to do ten hours of training for being “reckless.” Accept, in this comic, he didn’t just charge at Freeze like he did in the movie. So, I’m not sure how he was being reckless, aside from saving Bruce’s life in this version, which is just dumb. Dick sees it as Bruce not trusting him, which…no, not really. Even in the movie, Robin is just impulsive and stupid. Back in South America. Isley reemerges, now mutated by all the chemicals and toxins she was dropped into.
Isley: My blood is now aloe.
Isley/Linkara: Moisturize your skin with my blood.
Linkara [v/o]: She kills Woodrue with a poison kiss and declares she’ll make plant-kind the dominant species on Earth.
Isley: Come, Bane. We’ve got a plane to catch.
Linkara [v/o]: Uh, has he just been standing there this whole time? And why is he listening to her? Over at Freeze and his hideout, an abandoned business known as the “Snowy Cones Ice Cream Factory.” Aside from the fact that they seem confused by the product they make, I’m guessing they went out of business because of their crappy sign. Anyway, he talks to his wife in cry0genic suspension about how he only needs one more giant diamond to complete his giant freeze gun.
Mr. Freeze: I will hold Gotham ransom. Unless the city bows to my demands, it’s winter forever here in goat-town.
Linkara: Ok, was that the comic making fun of Schwarzenegger’s accent or does his brain finally have frostbite?
Linkara [v/o]: At Wayne Manor, a blonde lady has arrived, proclaiming herself to be Alfred’s niece, Barbara.
Alfred Pennyworth: [To Bruce] Barbara isn’t really my niece, sir. She’s an old friend’s daughter.
Linkara: What difference does it make if you’re not going to make her [Commissioner James] Gordon’s daughter? Either way, it’s an unnecessary change.
Linkara [v/o]: But yeah, Alfred’s been supporting her through school for the last ten years and most of her subplot from the film has been slashed in a book that’s already 63 pages long. Also, enjoy this woodcarving of George Clooney pretending to be Steve Jobs. [Bruce in the picture looking less life like.] And now we cut over to Chekov’s observatory, with a telescope connected to satellites all around the Earth. Since Bruce Wayne is funding it, he’s of course there, but Pamela Isley has arrived to speak with him.
Isley: I have here a proposal showing how Wayne Enterprises can immediately cease all actions that toxify our environment
Bruce/Linkara: Ms. Isley, this is a proposal to legalize Kinder Eggs.
Isley/Linkara: Look, that’s just step 1. Here me out on this!
Bruce: Your intentions are noble. But no diesel fuel for heat? No coolants to preserve food? Millions would die of cols and hunger alone.
Linkara: “The Lorax 7: Reckoning of the Bar-ba-loots!”
Isley: Acceptable losses in a battle to save the planet.
Isley/Linkara: Having one company that already probably has a good track record of being environmentally friendly kill lots of people surely will save the Earth!
Linkara [v/o]: Coinkidink of all coinkidinks, the trap they’ve [Batman and Robin] set for Mr. Freeze is taking place in the “Gotham Charity Flower Ball,” which gives a convenient excuse for Poison Ivy to be there. And, hey, remember when Batman knocked out a woman just to make sure she couldn’t print pictures of him? No? Well, neither do the people who made this movie, so here’s Batman and Robin as guest presenters for the stupid diamond at some kind of date auction for women named after flowers. Mind you, in the movie they said the flower names to set up what happened next: Poison Ivy coming out of a gorilla suit to reveal her name to match all the others. No names for ladies given here!
Poison Ivy: [To the people at the charity auction] Some lucky boy’s about to hit the honey pot I’ll bring everything you see here—plus everything you don’t.
Linkara: Oh man, she’s bringing her “News Radio” DVDs with her! I love that show!
Linkara [v/o]: Batman and Robin start bidding on her, despite the fact that she clearly has not done anything in these panels to make them want her.
Batman: One million—
Robin: Two million.
Batman: You don’t have two million.
Robin: I’ll borrow it from you.
Linkara: Ha ha ha! [Serious] This is basically prostitution.
Linkara [v/o]: So…like in the movie, were women effect by her lust dust too? It was never made clear. Not that it matters anyway, since Freeze shows up in his battlewagon.
Mr. Freeze: All right, everyone, chill!
Linkara: Ok, this right here, this really exemplifies why the makers of this film didn’t get the origin of Mr. Freeze.
Linkara [v/o]: It’s bizarre that they would keep the dramatic element and then completely botch the characterization. Victor Fries was trying to save his dying wife and in the same process, cursed with a condition that ensured that even if he had succeeded in saving her, they could never be together again. It deadened him to his emotions, save for his anger.
[Cut to the Batman the Animated Series episode, Heart of Ice]
BMTAS Mr. Freeze: To never again walk on a summer's day with the hot wind in your face and a warm hand to hold. Oh yes, I'd kill for that!
Linkara [v/a]: Aaaaand then there’s Schwarzenneger’s Freeze.
[Cut to the Batman and Robin film.]
Schwarzenneger Mr. Freeze: All right, everyone, chill! [Fires his freeze gun at people] Chill! [Sill fires] Chill!
Linkara [v/o]: I mean, clearly they kept the origin so he’s be a sympathetic character, but why would we ever sympathize with him when he’s gleefully trying to murder everybody around him and laughing about it?! Nora Fries clearly deserves better than this raging psychopath! Animated Series Mr. Freeze is someone you want to see stopped, but you feel bad about the tragedy of the situation. “Batman and Robin” Mr. Freeze is some jackass who thinks he’s funny when he gives you an allergic reaction to something! So, our heroes engage Freeze’s goons while he heads over to Poison Ivy to get the diamond from her. And now she blows the dust in his face.
Mr. Freeze: Pheromone dust. Designed to heat a man’s blood. Doesn’t work on the coldhearted.
Linkara: Actually, it turns out that was just cinnamon powder.
Linkara [v/o]: So, Freeze, why is your helmet open faced? Seems like your losing a lot of cold by having part of your head and neck exposed like that. He leaves with the diamond, so our heroes give chase.
The Otto Preminger and Eli Wallach Mr. Freeze from the ’66 show didn’t have helmets despite also having the “Surviving in zero below” thing, but hat rings around there necks that would blow coldness at them.
Batman: You have eleven minutes to thaw those guests, Commissioner.
Commissioner James Gordon/Linkara: Ok, Batman. [Long pause] How the hell do I do that?
Linkara [v/o]: They chase Freeze over the edge of a building [In the Batmobile, Bird Cycle, and Battlewagon. And they go to the edge of a bridge in the comic], where he heads to a rooftop. Robin wants to pursue, but Batman is convinced he can’t make the jump, remotely disabling Robin’s cycle to keep him from following. The Batmobile does go over, though Batman just leaps out of it to build himself enough momentum. Still, Freeze tries to use his weapon on the Batmobile.
Mr. Freeze: It’s a cold town.
Linkara: [Confused] The hell does that even mean?
Linkara [v/o]: Best guess it’s a reference to the song, “Hot night in a cold town.” And even then, it’s really a stretch since it has nothing to do with this situation. Anyway, Batman smashes through the windshield of the battlewagon and gets Freeze arrested. Unfortunately, despite this rather significant victory, Dick is pissed about Bruce disabling his cycle.
Dick Grayson: This is no partnership.
Linkara: This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife.
Dick: You’re never going to trust me.
Linkara [v/o]: Again, this really isn’t a matter of trust; in this case, it’s a matter of physics. I actually believe he probably could’ve made the jump. Although, not so much in the original film where it was a much bigger leap. And Batman wouldn’t of made it either, he had to launch himself out of the Batmobile to deliver the finishing blow to Freese. Still, this does leave one of the few good moments out of the dialogue.
Bruce: Alfred, am I pigheaded? Is it always my way or the highway?
Alfred: Well, yes actually. Death and change stole your parents. So you have done everything in your power to control the fates. For what is Batman—if not an effort to master the chaos that sweeps our world, an attempt to control death itself?
Bruce: But I can’t, can I?
Alfred: No, you can’t. None of us can.
Linkara: I actually do think that the 4 Batman movies have an arc to Bruce’s character. The Schumacher films are weaker in terms of the development, especially because all the other terrible things smash it down, but this is the final part of that journey.
Linkara [v/o]: Like I said, the problem is not trust; it’s that Bruce is unwilling to lose anyone he loves again. He’s built a new family for himself with Alfred and Dick, but now Dick is reckless and putting himself in positions where he could be easily killed and Alfred is dying from a disease.
Linkara: Oh yeah, spoilers for this comic that I am recapping the entire plot of point-or-point, Alfred is dying from a less advanced version of the disease Freeze’s wife had, because plot convenience. And the comic never showed any sign of that like the movie did.
Linkara [v/o]: But yeah, the conclusion of Bruce’s arc is accepting that the people around him can and will die and that he cannot control that. If this was a good movie, it would have been an excellent way to end the series. But it is not, so it’s just crap. After a bit where Barbara flips Dick over to continue her non-existent story line, Poison Ivy arrives at Arkham to free Mr. Freeze. Bane retrieves Freeze’s armor.
Mr. Freeze: They’ve confiscated my generator diamonds. I’m running on empty.
Linkara [v/o]: Yeah, neither the comic nor the movie understand how the “diamonds and lasers“ thing works. Hell, it’s even worse in the movie when he pours a bunch of diamonds into his suit, like it was frickin’ gasoline.
Mr. Freeze: No gun, either. How disarming.
Linkara: Booo! That wasn’t an ice pun! You’re not allowed to make puns unless they’re on the theme!
Linkara [v/o]: After a brief scene advancing the “Alfred is dying” subplot…Notice how we have a bunch of subplots in this one? Geez. Batman and Robin head over to Freeze’s hideout to look for him. Although, how they know about the hideout is anyone’s guess, but whatever. They learn that Poison Ivy helped him escape.
Robin: I can’t believe we were fighting over a bad guy.
Batman: Bad, yes. Guy, no.
Linkara: The world’s greatest detective, everybody!
Linkara [v/o]: They find Freeze’s wife in the tank, but then smell Poison Ivy’s pheromone dust, leading them to her…and Bane, who starts kicking their asses.
Poison Ivy: [To Mr. Freeze] Bane is tending to the caped cuties.
Mr. Freeze: And I am tending to my diamonds. [Holds them in his arms] Ah.
Linkara: There’s your next reaction image meme right there, [Makes like Mr. Freeze in the panel.] “Ah!”
Linkara [v/o]: They knock Bane away, but Poison Ivy heads over to Robin and well, stands over him instead of giving him anymore pheromone dust, telling him to step out of Batman’s shadow…and he listens to her. Like an idiot, he starts pushing Batman around, until he gets he [Robin] gets punched across the face. Poison Ivy seemingly disables the cryogenic tube with Nora Fries in it to kill her. However, for some reason, instead of the 2 [Ivy and Freeze] meeting up at Ivy’s hideout, they’re meeting up again in the chamber with Nora, even though Batman is still in the other room. Freeze swears to kill him as well as the civilization that created him…but all I can think of is “wow, Nora really looks like a department store mannequin.” Back in the “Alfred is dying” subplot, a doctor reveals that he has stage 1 of McGregor’s Syndrome.
Dick: That’s what Freeze’s wife had.
Bruce: Yes, but Alfred’s case is less severe. Freeze’s research says he cured a case like Alfred’s. It just doesn’t say how.
Bruce/Linkara: I tried to check his medical notes, but all to said was “Can you read these cold equations?” and “Snow money, snow problems.”
Linkara [v/o]: There’s some more good dialogue about Bruce accepting death, but we’re only two-thirds of the way through this book and we need to speed things up. Barbara also admits she came here to take Alfred away from his life of service, be he of course says he loves it here and is among his family. He gives her a disc, although in the comic, he doesn’t say to give it to his brother.
Alfred: This computer disk…it records the sacred trust of two good men who I have had the honor of calling son. Take it, child…
Alfred/Linkara: Sorry that it’s on a zip disc, I’m not good at upgrading anything.
Linkara [v/o]: While Poison Ivy and Bane steal the Batsignal to shine a Robin-signal in the sky, for some reason, Barbara unlocks the disc…and immediately back over to Robin with Ivy, leaving out the scene where Bruce confronts Dick and gets him to trust him about Ivy being evil. Another cut thing that….well, is up to you if it was a good cut or not, Ivy is still looking like she did with Freeze earlier. The thing is, though, the makeup and look of her has been transforming throughout the film. The reason she has those stupid, goofy cone things in her hair is because it’s supposed to resemble plant buds and at this point, she’s fully blossomed, even the eye brow things she’s wearing have gone from green to yellow as if the seasons have changed. In any event, she tells Robin about how Freeze is gonna use Chekov’s observatory to freeze the city, then kisses him. But, he has rubber garbs on his lips to protect from the poison. Batman shows up too to write off the plot hole of the 2 not having the conversation in the comic.
Batman: I did a little homework after I recognized that Pamela Isley and Poison Ivy are the same person. Your research…glandular secretions…scents that create fear, rage…and passion.
Isley/Linkara: Hello, my name is Pamela Isley and I’d like to apply for a grant to learn about glandular secretions so I can create perfumes that make people afraid, angry, or horny.
Linkara [v/o]: She uses plant vines to ensnare the 2, presumably through mutant plants or something…I don’t know and I don’t care, but then Batgirl arrives.
Ivy: I don’t have any idea who you are, but…as I told Lady Freeze when I pulled her plug, this is a one-woman show.
Ivy/Linkara: And now, enjoy my rendition of ‘LA Song.”
Batgirl: Using feminine wiles to get what you want. Trading on your looks. Read a book, sister. That passive-aggressive crap went out in the seventies. Chicks like you give women a bad name.
Linkara: Yes, such a progressive film and comic, what with Batgirl in heels, a thong on her Batsuit, boob socks for her chest, an earlier scene with women being auctioned off for a date, and the most outwardly sexual character presented as a crazy person who wants to trick and poison men. [Thumbs up] Sexism is over, everybody!
Linkara [v/o]: Oh, and it’s especially galling to pull that crap when the entire reason Batgirl is in this movie is because they didn’t want to have 2 guys punch a woman! Oh yeah, and after a few punches and kicks from Batgirl, Ivy is down.
Batman: And you are?
Batman: That’s not awfully PC. How about Batwoman? Batperson?
Linkara: Ooh, I’ve got one! Bat “Go to hell comic!”
Batgirl: It’s me. Barbara. I know your secret. I adapted your costume design—
Linkara: “Adapted your costume design?” So, which costume was too sizes too small, had breast armor, designed to fit a more hourglass physique, and had high heels on it? Or is it made out of left over material from Catwoman’s outfit?
Linkara [v/o]: I mean, I don’t know what’s dumber, that she managed to “adapt his costume design” in however few hours there were between learning the secret and her just knowing where to go or what the movie did, wherein Alfred knew she would find out and made a Batgirl costume for her via Max Headroom computer simulation that he just happens to have! But now they have to go deal with Freeze, who’s already at the observatory.
Mr. Freeze: See the mad scientist—with the freezing ray.
[Cut to Dr. Linksano by his computer]
Dr. Linksano: Oh please, freeze guns are pitiful! It’s like having a fighting game with only one character option! Real mad scientists use weather machines. [Laughs manically]
Linkara [v/o]: As Freeze…well, freezes the city; our heroes make their way towards him in spiffy new costumes and vehicles so they can sell action figures…I mean…uh, sell actions figures. I mean, even Batgirl has a new out fit. What, did she adapt another costume design? Or did they just spray-paint their regular clothes with silver highlights. Freeze’s goons are left deal with our heroes, but are easily dispatched, with even the battlewagon being sent into a frozen lake.
Batman: Don’t sink and drive.
[Linkara looks angry because of that pun. We cut to a clip from Robot Chicken, where Leonidas I from 300 is watching TV.]
Leonidas I: THIS. ISN’T. FUNNY! [Kicks the TV off its stand.]
Linkara [v/o]: Our heroes reach the controls for the observatory and try to figure out a way to reverse the freezing process in the small time they have left. They figure they can use sunlight to melt all the ice because shut up, so they redirect sunlight from the other side of the world with satellites towards the observatory.
Batgirl: Whoever thought Aunt Harriet’s typing lessons would lead to this?
Linkara: [Not amused] Yes, of all the elements of Batman you felt the need to reference and make a wink at, you chose…Aunt Harriet. [Looks like he’s about to do a facepalm, but halfway he feels it’s not worth the effort.]
Linkara [v/o]: However, we then have this iconic scene.
Mr. Freeze: [from the other end of the telescope] Tonight’s forecast—[Punches Batman] a freeze is coming!
Batman/Linkara: [Rubbing his cheek from the punch] Oww! That wasn’t a freeze, that was your fist!
Batman: Millions will die so you can save on air conditioning. Isn’t that taking self-help a little far?
[Linkara is angry at that joke too.]
Linkara: I don’t care if I know how this story ends, I still hope you die!
Linkara [v/o]: Robin and Batgirl rush over to intercede, but they didn’t count on the observatory being built like a super villain lair, since Freeze is able to open a trap door to drop them down to the ground hundreds of feet below. Robin saves them with a swing line, though.
Robin: I’ve got you.
Batgirl: No—I’ve got you.
Linkara: No, you don’t. The thing in the movie where his line breaks and you use yours to save him doesn’t happen here. You’re an idiot.
Linkara [v/o]: Batman punches Freeze a whole bunch, knocks him out, and uses the telescope to undo the freezing without the telescope getting blown up via bombs that Freeze planted for no reason. After getting to a ledge, Robin and Batgirl fight Bane, who knows where they are some how, and the rip out the tube that pumps venom into him…which turns him back into a normal person [?]
[Cut to Mystery Science Theater 3000]
Tom Servo: So people are just balloons?
Linkara [v/o]: Freeze thinks Batman will kill him just as he killed Nora, but Bats plays back a video of Ivy admitting she did it. Bats reveals that Nora is alive and he wants the cure to McGreggor’s Syndrome Stage 1, which Freeze gives over thanks to a speech or something, I don’t know, I’m trying to rush through this to the end. While they give the cure to Alfred, Poison Ivy is shown her new cellmate: Freeze! Who is out of his suit…and he needs to survive in subzero temperatures…even though the sell is clearly not like that. Smooth. What’s even worse is that in the movie, this was the most intimidating scene Mr. Freeze actually had in the movie and it’s too a broken, half-crazed, defenseless woman in a cell that he wants to kill.
Mr. Freeze: It’s amazing what you can buy around here for a few dozen diamonds. Prepare for a bitter harvest. Winter has come at last.
Linkara: Oh great, it’s taken Game of Thrones, like, 6 years. Glad it’s finally here.
Linkara [v/o]: Alfred awakens and hugs everybody, but Dick has a question.
Dick: [To Bruce] Batgirl and I were dropped out of the observatory, how come you didn’t try to help us? It was the first time I fell and you weren’t there to catch me.
Bruce: I knew you could handle it.
Linkara: Actually, it’s because you fell down a trap door and he was far away and couldn’t do anything about it, but whatever, we’ll pretend that’s what happened because, you know, character arc.
Linkara [v/o]: Barbara, however, makes this terrifying face [She has a big smile] and declares she deserves credit for taking out Ivy and despite Bruce’s brief objection to her being Batgirl, the 3 join hands. And so, our comic ends with the 3 running out of the Batmobile with Barbara no having a full cowl… and instead of “The end,” we have “That’s a wrap.”
Linkara: Yeah, it was a wrap [Beat] for the figgin’ film series until 2005! [Holds up comic] This comic sucks! But you know what the sad thing is? It’s actually one of the better movie adaptations I’ve reviewed.
Linkara [v/o]: No, seriously, not only does it capture most of the important sequences from the film, but it cuts out some of the dumber lines and puns, condenses sequences that aren’t necessary for the narrative, and actually explains a few things better than the movie does. The likenesses are pretty spot-on and the artwork is passable at least. Don’t get me wrong; it’s still a piece of crap. There’s no saving this movie, even in comic form. But it actually does pretty well to improve on some stuff. It also changed a few things that it didn’t need to change. But as an adaptation, it’s better then some of the stuff we’ve seen. It’s still not good, of course. But in terms of its goal, adapting the movie into a comic, it does it pretty damn well; it’s just a pity it sucks.
Linkara: Next time, we keep things going with more embarrassment from DC heroes, but also familiar embarrassment with the Tandy computer Whiz Kids!
[He throws the comic onto the futon and leaves as we cut the end credits.]<p> <p class="MsoNormal">Not to say that at this point Batman ISN'T a public figure, just that him presenting diamonds at a charity ball is REALLY not in his wheelhouse.
You know what's weird? The non-freeze or plant jokes actually ARE funny, like "A laundry service that delivers!"
[We cut back to the Nostalgia Critic.]
NC: [Reading the script description off screen] “Nostalgia Critic stares at the camera as he tries to process all that.” [Cut to him later as he gets up and leaves] “Nostalgia Critic goes to stand in the corner.”
[Cut to the Batman and Robin film]
Live Action Poison Ivy: What are you, about 50 big and tall?
Live Action Mr. Freeze: No, always go a size smaller, makes me look slimmer.
Live Action Poison Ivy: Hmm.