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Released
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December 23, 2020
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Running Time
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32:11
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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Link
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(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. It's the week of Christmas in 2020. What holiday film best connects with this year?
(A montage of clips is shown of Batman Returns, showing its more violent and/or death scenes: the Penguin biting Josh's nose; Catwoman screaming in a greenhouse, causing the glass to shatter; Selina Kyle falling to her death; the Penguin firing his machine gun disguised as an umbrella; Kyle screaming and throwing a milk carton; an explosion)
NC: (looking away in thought) Might be too happy.
(The title for Batman Returns is shown, followed by clips of the movie)
NC (vo): Released in summer of 1992...
(Cut to a shot of a group of people in t-shirts sleeves and shorts, presumably in Southern California, on a summer day)
NC (vo; confused): Fa-la-la-la-la?
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): ...Batman Returns was Tim Burton's sequel to his record-breaking Batman in 1989. While folks were excited to see it, the reaction afterwards was something like this...
(We then cut back briefly to NC, whose head has been replaced by that of a grinning black man. Surrounding him are numerous question marks. Then we cut back to Batman Returns)
NC (vo): People didn't know what to make of it. They were certainly expecting something dark, but this? Yikes. Toy companies, especially McDonald's Happy Meals, panicked because parents were so pissed off something so demented and unpleasant was being marketed to kids. Why can't we go back more innocent times of...
(Toys of the following violent movies are shown...)
NC (vo): ...Terminator, RoboCop and Alien toys?
(Cut to a clip of The Addams Family, showing the judge standing at the door of a house)
Judge: YOU MORON!
(Cut back to Batman Returns)
NC (vo): Since then, people haven't really known what to make of this film. Naturally, it has its fans and its haters, but most people I talk to put it in the "I don't want to think about it because I don't know what to think about it" category. Does it make it you stronger watching it? Does it make you weaker watching it? I don't know, it just clearly does...something. So naturally, I think this is the perfect film to look over this holiday season.
NC: (shrugs) Let's celebrate Christmas the most appropriate way I can think of. This is Batman Returns. (nods)
(The movie starts with a prologue on Gotham City socialites Tucker and Esther Cobblepot (played by Paul Reubens and Diane Salinger, respectively) becoming the parents of a deformed baby boy named Oswald. Their mansion is shown)
NC (vo): We see Pee-wee's Playhouse has changed since he entered the one percent, but his freaky occupants have not, for his wife gives birth to a bouncing baby abomination, which, honestly, is about as good as a Pee-wee birth can go, in my opinion.
(From outside a door, loud screaming is heard, followed by a baby crying. Then we cut inside the room. Said baby, Oswald, is locked in a cage as a playpen. A cat sits nearby)
NC (vo): Thankfully, they had a baby cage ready.
NC: I'll assume that's an item the rich have.
(Oswald reaches out of the cage and grabs the cat)
NC (vo): But he finishes off his cat food and they decide to give him up for adoption–
(Not quite, actually. Instead, Oswald's parents walk out into the snow to a park, taking Baby Oswald with them in a baby buggy, where they drop the buggy off a bridge over a river)
NC (vo): Or a bridge; that's another option.
(The buggy falls into the river and floats away)
NC: Well, I'm in the Christmas spirit.
(The scene is replayed, but this time to "Jingle Bells", as well as a Batman action figure for this movie made by Kenner. The following words are also displayed, which NC reads dramatically...)
NC (vo): "Merry Christmas from Kenner"!
(The buggy floats down the river and into a tunnel, disappearing from view)
NC: You know, this really should have been a Disney film.
(A shot of The Hunchback of Notre Dame is shown in the corner, showing Frollo about to drop baby Quasimodo into a well)
NC: It would have gotten a G. (nods)
NC (vo): He floats through the sewers and is intercepted by penguins.
NC: (nods) Yes, that will be the most normal part of the story.
NC (vo): And we cut to years later, where Gotham City is having their massive...-ish lighting of the tree. About to attend this event is Christopher Walken, playing business mogul Max Shreck...named after the actor from (An image of Max Schreck from the following movie is shown on the right...) Nosferatu, not (The image is replaced by a bottle of Max Shrek (featuring Shrek characters)) a DreamWorks energy drink. And I gotta say, most films he brings 80, maybe 90% Walken to a role, but this flick, he brings 100% Walken. Everything he says sounds like an impression of himself.
(A montage of scenes showing Walken as Schreck is shown)
Schreck: That's not growth, this a mild swelling.
(Cut)
Schreck: I can hand out more than just expensive baubles.
(Cut)
Schreck: Bruce, shame on you.
(Cut)
Schreck: Selina...
(Cut)
Schreck: Yawn.
(Cut)
Schreck: Come on now.
(Cut)
Schreck: Yes.
NC: You can literally change the character's name to Christopher Walken, and nobody would bat an eye.
Schreck: How industrious.
NC (vo): He's proposing a new power plant that I think a three-year-old designed so he can obtain...well...
(A clip of A View to a Kill is shown in the corner.)
Max Zorin (Walken): More power!
Selina Kyle (Michelle Pfeiffer): I have a suggestion.
NC (vo): Michelle Pfeiffer plays Selina Kyle, a dorky secretary who (sounds confused) may be a power plant specialist? Am I the only one driven nuts we never hear her suggestion?
Schreck: Afraid we haven't properly housebroken Ms. Kyle.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of South Park)
Canadian Prime Minister: Eh! Fuck you, buddy!
(As we cut back to Batman Returns, Max's son Chip (played by Andrew Bryniarski) enters the room)
Chip: Dad, Mr. Mayor, it's time to go down and bring joy to the masses.
NC: Oh, my God! We found...
NC (vo): ...the only other actor bringing more Walken than Walken to the role! Andrew Bryniarski... (A shot of the following is shown in the corner...) Zangief from the Street Fighter movie...
NC: ...because this film clearly wasn't weird enough...
NC (vo): ...plays Max's son, Chip. I honestly have no idea why he's a character in this. You could cut him out and not miss a thing. I just love that he does an impression of Walken straight to his face throughout the entire movie.
Chip: Dad, you buy that "blurry" business?
(Cut)
Chip: Time to go down and bring joy to the masses.
(Cut)
Chip: (as he and Max are held at gunpoint) Dad, go! Save yourself! Dad, go!
NC (vo): Walken, the whole film, has a look like, (as Walken) "What's with that voice? It sounds weird! Tim, tell him to stop being weird!" (normal again) While making a speech, the circus comes to town and attacks the crowd. I have to admit, I love that all it takes for the cops to call Batman is one of their cars being dented.
Policeman: What are you waiting for, the signal?!
(Cut back to NC as we hear an offscreen voice)
Voice: Uh, sir, we have a SWAT team coming in–
NC: (pretending to speak into walkie-talkie) Look, for some reason...
(Footage of the Joker in the first Batman movie is shown)
NC (vo): ...we suck at fighting clowns. He's good at fighting clowns!
NC: Let him fight clowns!
(We then cut to Wayne Manor as the Bat-signal appears in the sky above it and reflected by strategically-placed reflectors into the library, where Bruce Wayne (played by Michael Keaton) sits, but then looks up when the light shines down on him. He stands up and the Bat-signal is projected behind him)
NC (vo): The signal is reflected into Wayne Manor Library, which looks cool, but what was the excuse he had for setting that up?
(A sketch is shown, displaying an audio recording presumably from Bruce Wayne's phone)
First voice on phone (Malcolm): Mr. Wayne, you want giant reflectors to shine the Bat-signal into your library, which you will presumably be in all the time?
Bruce Wayne (Doug): Yeah.
First voice: Why?
Bruce Wayne: I dunno.
First voice: Okay.
(Cut back to the movie as Batman arrives on the scene in his Batmobile, running into a bunch of thugs in the process)
NC (vo): Batman arrives, and I guess this is as good of time as any to talk about the whole Batman kills.
(Shows various comic panels of Batman holding a gun and killing people)
NC (vo): Some people have very strict rules about Batman, like he doesn't carry guns, and he doesn't kill, despite him doing both several times in the past!
(Cut back to the movie again)
NC (vo): My personal take is: Do whatever matches the version. Would (Shots of Batman from Batman: The Animated Series and the Dark Knight series are superimposed) Conroy or Bale kill people? No. With the exception of bullshit loopholes.
Batman (Christian Bale): I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you.
NC (vo): Real humanitarian. (A shot of this movie's Batman is shown, followed by a clip of the DCU Batman) Would Keaton and Affleck? Abso-frigging-lutely! Affleck? Maybe going for a few too many gold stars in that department.
NC: Should he kill? No. Would he kill? Probably.
NC (vo): I mean, people are on fire. You think this Batman's gonna be like, "All right, get out of the car and knock the guy out, get back in the car, and make sure everyone is safely subdued." No, that would've cost like five civilians! Light that bitch!
(Batman turns his car around and creates a plume of fire from the tailpipes which burns one thug)
NC: Also, I'll bring up what nobody does: when Batman kills someone in the Burton films, it's hilarious.
(Cut to a montage of all the times Burton's Batman kills. He blows up a factory, throws a guy down the bell tower, and stuffs dynamite down a guys pants, smiling as he blows up)
NC (vo): If you're not laughing at these, you clearly need this sign (A picture of Gomez and Morticia Addams with the caption "MUST BE THIS SICK TO WATCH" is superimposed) before watching. One clown takes Selina hostage, thus Batman telepathically summons the proper tool.
Selina: The Batman! Or is it just Batman?
NC (vo as Batman): Do I look that Twilight fop to you?
(Schreck is seen in an alley with a bizarre-looking face is shown as NC voices two guys)
NC (vo as one guy): Hey, Frank! You know what this alley needs? (as "Frank") What? (as first guy) A face! (as "Frank") Okay.
(Schreck falls through a trap door in the alley)
NC (vo): Schreck is kidnapped and taken to an abandoned zoo... I can't imagine why this place was shut down; it looks so welcoming... and he comes across the Penguin, played by Danny DeVito.
Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is "AHHHHHH!"
NC: I believe the majority of this film's problems are around this one character.
NC: (vo): I mean, Batman's still cool, Catwoman's still cool, even Walken impersonating Walken is still cool. But this character is written as an absolute monster, but is directed like we're supposed to have some sympathy for him. Poor DeVito does an amazing job trying to pull off both, but it's kind of like taking a disgusting villain like (Image of the following is superimposed...) Barron Harkonan from Dune, and saying we're supposed to feel bad for him like (Image of the following is superimposed...) Rameses from Prince of Egypt. You gotta go for one or the other.
Penguin: Tragic irony or poetic justice? You tell me.
NC (vo): We'll go more into that in a bit, but for now, he tells Schreck that he wants to ascend into society, and if he doesn't lend him a hand, he'll lend him one.
Penguin: How's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Schreck: He's good.
(Penguin pulls out a hand that is presumed to be Fred's)
Penguin: (imitating Fred) Hi, Max, remember me?! I'm Fred's hand!
NC: I always like to assume that's not Fred's hand, and they just assumed he killed him, so they pulled a hand off...
NC (vo): ...another dead person; they just so happened to guess right. He doesn't even flinch when he shakes it as a joke. (zooms into emphasize Schreck's face) That's the face of a guy whose held a lot of dead body parts.
(Later, Schreck sneaks up on Selina, whose going through his files)
Schreck: Working late?
(Selina jumps in surprise)
NC (vo): Back at the office, Selina comes across some incriminating evidence showing that Schreck wants to use the power plant to suck power from the city; not generate it. Again, I know it makes me a sick asshole, but...this scene's hilarious.
Schreck: Huh?
Selina: (laughing nervously) What?
Schreck: Huh?
Selina: You know, for a second there, you really frightened me...
(Schreck turns to leave, then abruptly turns back and shoves Selina so hard that she goes out the window, shattering the glass, and she starts to fall)
NC: I feel like that's just how Christopher Walken would tell a joke.
NC (vo; as Schreck): Knock, knock. (as Selina) Who's there?
(Again, Schreck is seen shoving Selina out the window)
NC: Honestly, I really underestimated the humor in this movie, watching it again.
NC (vo): As a kid, watching her be brought back to life by alley cats and have a mental breakdown was pretty fucked up, but as an adult...it's still fucked up, but it's really funny: stuffing the toys down the garbage disposal, spray-painting her dollhouse, even the ad about winning the boss' affection from the company owned by the boss who tried to kill her!
Voice on answering machine: ...and your boss will be asking you to stay after work for a candlelight staff meeting for two, exclusively at Schreck's Department Store.
(Selina was drinking milk from a carton as she listens, quite on edge and ill at ease, but when she hears the name of her murderous boss, she screams and throws the milk at the phone, having a nervous breakdown)
NC (vo): I feel bad for her, but it's really freakin' hilarious! Pfeiffer, honestly like everyone, finds that perfect balance of tragedy, but also hamming it up. (She gets a crazed expression on her face as part of her breakdown) Look at those faces she makes! She plays crazy great, but you're also kind of giggling at it, too. (She then takes down a black raincoat and some thimbles with long sharp edges) I also love how this raincoat is supposed to somehow cover her entire body, and I don't sew, but I think these thimbles are a lawsuit waiting to happen.
(Selina takes out her black raincoat and converts it into a cat-like suit. From outside her apartment, we and a bunch of alley cats watch as she puts on her catsuit, becoming Catwoman. She stands backlit against a neon-lit sign in her room which reads "HELL HERE")
Selina: I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much yummier.
NC (vo): Just as Catwoman is on the rise, the Penguin is, too, staging a rescue of the mayor's baby. (One of the Penguin's goons takes the baby into the sewer) You gotta love this convincing performance.
Goon: No! It's the hideous Penguin man! Here, take the baby. Just don't hurt me, please!
NC (vo): He didn't spend three weeks at Matthew Broderick's community theater for nothing.
(Bruce is watching the Penguin on TV as Alfred is decorating the tree)
Penguin: All I want in return is a chance to find my mom and dad.
Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough): Mr. Wayne? Something wrong?
Bruce: No.
NC (vo; as Alfred): That was code for "please help me with this tree". I'm like a million, and you're literally Batman! (beat) Douche.
NC (vo): At first, Bruce is taken by the Penguin's story, but upon more research, he finds he may have a more dangerous background. Also, because of this movie, I know Vichyssoise is supposed to be cold.
(Bruce spits out his food)'
Bruce: Cold!
Alfred: It's Vichyssoise, sir. It's supposed to be cold.
(Bruce looks shocked; scene repeats)
Alfred: It's supposed to be cold.
(Bruce looks shocked)
Alfred: It's suppose...
NC (vo): He discovers the Penguin might have been involved in a bunch of child disappearances in the past.
Bruce: (reading a report) "...missing children. In several towns, police have closed down the Red Triangle's fairgrounds..."
NC (vo): You hear that, kids?! You think Batman saved all the children at the end, but there's God knows how many little bodies in the Penguin's backlog!
(A shot of Batman Returns-themed Play-Doh is superimposed, while "Jingle Bells" plays in the background)
NC (vo): (reading some accompanying text) "Merry Christmas from Play-Doh"! It looks like the Penguin is already up to his old tricks, saying he wants the Hall of Records to find his parents, but uses it to look up all of Gotham's firstborn sons.
(Inside the Batmobile, Alfred is addressing Batman via video screen)
Alfred: Are you concerned about that strange heroic Penguin person?
Batman: I think he knows who his parents are.
NC (vo; as Alfred): Sir, you don't have to do that voice in front of me; I know who you are. Douche. (normal)' Penguin does eventually find his parents, continuing to win the people over.
Newsboy: (holding up newspaper) "Penguin forgives parents! I'm fully at peace with myself and the world!"
Woman: He's like a frog that became a prince!
Man: Nah, he's more like a penguin.
NC: I have no joke, I just love how stupid that line is.
NC (vo): Catwoman also makes some progress, testing out her fighting moves on a mugger.
Woman: Thanks, I–
(Catwoman grabs her face)
NC (vo; as Catwoman): I saw you first. Give me your wallet!
Catwoman: You make it so easy, don't you? Always waiting for some Batman to save you.
(The scene of Batman saving Selina from earlier is replayed)
NC (vo): Uh, hypocrite much? (as Catwoman) You really should try being dropped from a tall building. It set me on the straight and narrow.
(Catwoman backflips away into the night)
NC (vo): Even after a nasty fall, and a psychotic breakdown, she still shows up to her job. That's just a good work ethic.
Schreck: Selina, Selina...
Selina: That's my name, Maximillian, so don't wear it out, or I'll make you buy me a new one.
NC: What I like is Bruce has clear seen her before.
(The scene of Batman and Selina from earlier is shown again)
NC (vo): He even slips up and says he remembers her.
Bruce: Yeah, we've met.
Selina: Have we?
Bruce: I mistook me for somebody else.
Selina: You mean mistook me.
NC (vo): But, it's not until she looks and acts completely bonkers, that's he's suddenly like... (as Bruce) Say, you look like you wear black leather to cope, too.
Selina: I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school, and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg. (laughs, then turns serious) He's dead now.
NC: Well, they say don't put your dick in crazy, but I don't sense any drama out of her.
Schreck: Women. Nothing surprises me, Chip, except your late mother.
NC (vo; as Chip): Wait, Mother's dead?! (as Schreck) I've got a Penguin to see. (normal) Speaking of which, Schreck surprises Penguin with his bright idea of having him run for mayor. Now, you might be thinking, who's gonna vote for a monstrous, sex-hungry maniac who abuses people– What am I talking about? He's overqualified! Just look at how he handles people who make fun of him!
Penguin: (to Josh) My nose could be gushing blood!
(The Penguin cackles and looks away from Josh, then turns back to him abruptly and bites him on the nose, causing blood to spurt out! The scene pauses as an ad for Diet Coke promoting the movie is superimposed, while once again, "Jingle Bells" plays in the background)
NC (vo): (reading some accompanying text) "Merry Christmas from Diet Coke"! Schreck convinces him to be mayor as he can use his henchmen to drive the current mayor into a chaotic frenzy.
Penguin: BURN, BABY, BURN!
NC: Hashtag 2020.
(The text "#2020" pops up, and we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes with the Penguin making good on his threat)
NC (vo): As Penguin said, he unleashes his goons on the city to blow up stores, steal valuable goods...tap people's heads...
(Cut to a clip of a cartoon with an old lady in it (I forget which one))
Old lady: MONSTERS!
(As we cut back to Batman Returns, Batman intervenes and battles the Penguin's goons)
NC (vo): But thankfully, Batman was out doing some bat-shopping. Maybe he was going to the bat store...
(A shot of a real Batman store made for this movie is shown, outside and in)
NC (vo): Wait, that was a gonna be a thing? In this movie? They actually built that? Huh. Maybe they had a line of credit and they called– (A shot of the infamous Bat Credit Card from Batman & Robin is superimposed) I'm not digging up old wounds.
(As we cut back to the movie, Batman tunes his batarang to get some thugs)
NC (vo): I bet this will age great.
(The batarang homes in on and attacks several thugs, but before it can attack the last thug, a dog leaps up and catches it in its mouth)
NC: Seamless.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Catwoman tears apart one of Schreck's department stores, and again, give Pfeiffer credit for learning how to use a whip and apparently doing all these stunts herself. Years later, she even found...
(A video is shown of Michelle Pfeiffer finding her whip from Batman Returns and holding it up)
NC (vo): ...her old whip and showed off she still has the moves.
Pfeiffer: Needs a little TLC.
(The video then cuts to Pfeiffer cracking the whip a few times just as she did as Catwoman. NC is awed)
NC: That shouldn't be turning me on. Maybe it should. Either way, it's turning me on.
(Music plays as Batman walks around the corner)
NC: I didn't know Batman needed exciting rounding the corner music, but it sounds nice.
(Batman walks up and punches a member of the Red Triangle gang and tosses him down. The Wilhelm Scream is heard)
NC (vo; as Batman): Piss off, Wilhelm!
(Batman punches another guy, who isn't phased, but then he looks down, and sees dynamite in his pants. Batman smiles and the words MEME ME! appear on the screen as NC says them in an echo like voice. Batman walks away as the guy explodes)
NC (vo): He approaches the Penguin, but their meetup is quickly interrupted.
(Catwoman comes somersaulting onto the scene, flipping end over end. Batman and the Penguin stare, but otherwise don't react. She smiles confidently)
NC (vo): She's thinking, "Aw, shit, I came across the only people who wouldn't be weirded out by any of this."
(It turns out she had come out of Schreck's department store, which explodes behind her. Then Batman and Catwoman fight, which leads onto a rooftop)
NC (vo): They have themselves a little fight, and honestly, this is so silly, I can't help but love it.
(Batman punches Catwoman so hard, he knocks her down and she reacts in pain)
Catwoman: (crying) How could you?! I'm a woman!
Batman: (walking up) I'm sorry, I-I...
(Batman having bought her act, Catwoman kicks him in the stomach, knocking him backward)
NC (vo; as Batman): Oh! See if I help you open a jar anytime soon!
Catwoman: Who's the man behind the bat? (runs her hand on his stomach) That's not you...there you are.
NC: At first, I found it weird that Batman would actually be attracted to this, but like the killing thing, just because he shouldn't, doesn't mean that he wouldn't.
(An image of Batman and Catwoman action figures are shown)
NC (vo): I mean, just look at these two and tell me they wouldn't attract one another.
(Catwoman jabs Batman in the stomach, but he knocks her onto a cat food truck.)
NC (vo): She gets away, but not without leaving her mark.
(Batman pulls out something sharp from his skin where Catwoman had jabbed him.)
Batman: (talking on the phone) Alfred, bring me some antiseptic ointment, would ya?
NC (vo; as Alfred on phone): I'm sorry, sir, I can't understand you unless you whisper in the bat suit like you did before. (as Batman, who hangs up) Bite me, Joffrey! (normal) Penguin announces his candidacy for mayor, in the most eww-y way possible.
Penguin: (holding a button out to a female photographer) Wear a button. (struggles to put it on her coat) Let me just...get it on there... (grunts as he succeeds as he puts it on; it reads "Mayor" with an image of the Penguin)
NC: (whispering) Ew!
NC (vo): And Catwoman makes her way to him, proposing that they team up to take out Batman.
Catwoman: It's chilly in here.
Penguin: I'll warm you.
(Abruptly, she sticks her leg out and presses her foot under his throat)
Catwoman: Down, Oswald.
NC (vo): Calm down there, Quentin.
Penguin: Check it out! We'll disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into a H-bomb on wheels!
NC: Kind of curious how he got the plans for that!
(Cut to Tamara as a saleslady having a conversation with NC as Alfred)
Saleslady: Uh, are you sure you want to eBay these?
NC (vo; as Alfred): He wouldn't help me with the tree, he spat out my soup, he does his bat voice at random; I'm done with the son of a bitch!
Saleslady: Okay. I know plenty of people, who'd be interested in this.
NC (vo; as Alfred): Get a good price, and I'll throw in some shark repellant.
(Cut back to the movie again)
NC (vo): Catwoman eats his bird, which apparently she really did... (Catwoman gags and spits out the bird, which flies off) I'd like to think I'm prompted. ...and they get the idea to frame him. Selina and Bruce go on a date and discuss their past relationships.
Selina: A girlfriend?
Bruce: No. Had one, didn't work. See, Vicki thought...
Selina: Vicki? Ice skater or stewardess?
NC (vo; as Bruce): Well, that's what she is now. I ruined her career after dumping me.
TV reporter: The Ice Princess has been kidnapped!
NC (vo): They're interrupted, though, when they discover Gotham's mascot, the Ice Princess, has been kidnapped by the Penguin.
TV reporter: (to Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle)) Can you confirm for us the reports we're hearing of Batman's suspected involvement in the abduction?
Gordon: This evidence is purely circumstantial.
NC: (as Gordon) But just in case, we're not running the Bat-signal.
NC (vo): They both take off, which is great when you realize they're just going to meet up again to fight each other. But what's even better is Bruce putting together why is usual excuse won't work.
Bruce: (to Alfred) Tell her I had to go out of town. Tell her...that a big business deal came up.
(A thought bubble appears above Bruce's head showing Bruce with Vicki from the previous movie)
Past Bruce: I'm just going out of town for a few days
Vicki: You lied to me about leaving town!
Bruce: No, you know what? Let her know none of that dumb "Be my girlfriend"–
NC (vo; as Bruce): Tell her I'm Batman! I don't care, I gotta go!
(A drawbridge comes down revealing a plethora of bat-suit)
NC (vo): A drawbridge opens up, and he takes a bat-suit off one of the bat hangers – because Shumacher directed for a minute – and he tries to search for the Ice Princess during the tree relighting, which, surprisingly wasn't cancelled due to a kidnapping. He locates her, but finds Catwoman, awaiting his arrival.
Batman: Eat floor! (throws Catwoman to the floor) High fiber!
NC: Okay, fine, it was two minutes that Schumacher directed.
(The Princess is surrounded by bats, and she falls off of the building, dying when she hits a plunger that releases a swarm of bats from the tree)
NC (vo): The Princess is dropped from a building, looking like Batman pushed her, and bats are released onto the crowd. But look on the plus side: this.
(Catwoman is shown to be on top of Batman, and she licks his face vertically from chin to nose)
NC (vo; as Batman): I wonder if Wonder Woman has this problem?
(Catwoman then looks up to spot a TV antenna wrapped in tinsel)
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
NC: Who decorates an antenna?
(Batman spreads out his HUGE batwing-like cape and takes off)
NC (vo): Jesus, no wonder he couldn't save the Princess. He's been walking around with that stuffed up his ass the whole time!
(Later, Catwoman and the Penguin meet up again. The Penguin is holding a wine glass)
Penguin: Let's consummate our fiendish union.
NC (vo): Penguin celebrates their framing, but he proposes a little too much and Catwoman swipes left.
Penguin: You're a lousy minx! And I don't think I like you anymore!
(The Penguin wraps an umbrella-themed propeller around her neck. As she struggles with it, she is hoisted aloft)
NC (vo): Penguin hooks a helicopter onto her, but she breaks free...
(...and falls through the roof of a greenhouse and lands in a flowerbed)
NC: Is her suit made out of adamantium? How many falls has she survived?
NC (vo): ...and things are made worse when the Penguin's goons seize control of the Batmobile via remote control.
(As Batman tries to regain control of his car, he accidentally crashes through some cars in his path while police cars follow behind)
NC (vo; as Batman): Oh, yeah, how come the cops only show up when a Batman's driving? (normal) He eventually gets control back and transforms into a bat penis to escape. The next day, Penguin makes a speech to continue to win the people over.
Penguin: Did you think the Mayor had a plan?
Crowd: No!
Penguin: No! He relied on a man! A Batman!
NC (vo; as Penguin): I'm asking you to vote for a bird man! (A shot of the title character from Birdman (or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) is superimposed) But not that Birdman! That is also Batman! (normal) They fanservice all the crybabies that bitched about Vicki Vale in the first one...
Bruce: (to Alfred) Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around... There she is. Oh, hi, Vick, come on in.
NC: (stammering) Just–
(Footage of the first Batman is shown)
NC (vo): He was confessing! She figured it out!
NC: How many...
NC (vo): ...millionaires can vanish out the window?!
(Cut back to the current Batman movie)
NC (vo): Whatever. ...and he plays audio of the Penguin cursing the people he recorded the previous night.
(As the Penguin gives his speech, the recording of his private thoughts plays over the P.A. system, much to his shock and looks up to the speaker where it's played)
Penguin (on recording): I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
(The crowd boos)
NC (vo): Ah, remember the days when that could ruin your career as a politician?
Penguin (on recording): I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell! (laughs sinisterly)
NC: (as Penguin) Um...fake news? (The sound of applause and cheering is heard) Oh, that's that all it took? All right, yeah, cool!
(The crowd is throwing produce at the Penguin in disapproval)
NC (vo): Oh, why is there always someone who brings lettuce and tomatoes to a speech?
Why is there always someone, who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?!
NC: Because you're a cartoon? I don't know!
NC (vo): He escapes back to his hideout where he continues his original plan: gathering all of Gotham's firstborn sons to drown them.
NC: And if you're wondering, why firstborn sons, it's because in the original script, Schreck and Penguin...
NC (vo): ...were supposed to be brothers, him being the abandoned firstborn and Schreck being the prosperous second-born, which would have been pretty interesting in my opinion, but it was cut, so the firstborn thing is...kind of random.
Penguin: And we will snatch them, carry them into the sewer, and toss them into a deep, dark, watery grave!
(The scene freezes as "Jingle Bells" plays, while a Batman gumball bank dispenser for this movie appears. The following words are also displayed, which NC reads dramatically...)
NC (vo): "Merry Christmas from the Batman Returns Gumball Dispenser"! Bruce is giving an invitation to Schreck's max-querade ball...
NC: Yes, that's what they really call it, and yes, I am extremely insanely jealous of that pun–
NC (vo): ...as he fixes the Batmobile.
Alfred: May we RSVP in the resounding negative?
Bruce: Not interested.
(Alfred tears up the invite)
Bruce: Although, Selina Kyle might be there.
NC (vo; as Alfred): This is why Superman works alone. (normal) He sees Selina at the party – behind red death; that's a nice you touch – and they follow through on their kind of excuses.
Bruce: Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had a...pretty big deal come...fall through actually.
NC: Did he just make a joke...
(The Ice Princess' fall is replayed)
NC (vo): ...about a woman falling to her death?!
Bruce: ...pretty big deal come...
(The Ice Princess' landing is replayed)
Bruce: ...fall through actually.
NC: Again, (The image of Gomez and Morticia Addams is shown again, with the same phrase as before: "MUST BE THIS SICK TO ENJOY") must be this sick! (grins and nods)
NC (vo): Everyone in the film is great, but Pfeiffer really does knock it out of the park with scenes like this, where, literally in a head turn, she goes from crying to laughing.
Selina: (tearing up as she dances with Bruce) I don't know anymore, Bruce.
(Bruce turns his head, blocking the camera briefly and when he passes by, she's laughing. Cut to a clip of a movie with a gangster in it (I don't know the name, though))
Gangster: You're crazy.
(Cut back to Batman Returns)
NC (vo): They eventually put together their secret identities, but it's interrupted by the Penguin who kidnaps Schreck again and reveals his evil plan.
Penguin: Right now, my troops are fanning out across town for your children! (Everyone gasps) Yes!
(As we cut back to NC, he is looking offscreen, trying to listen to an offscreen voice)
Offscreen voice: You hear that, Commissioner?
NC: (as Commissioner Gordon) I still feel like this is a Batman thing.
Offscreen voice: But they have an incredibly...
Offscreen voice (vo): ...slow-moving, brightly colored train!
(Cut to a clip of the Joker in the first Batman movie)
Offscreen voice (vo): We didn't even stop the Joker when he announced where he was going to be!
NC: (as Commissioner Gordon) LET HIM FIGHT THE CLOWNS! I'M LOOPY!
NC (vo): Batman does exactly that and...I guess that's the end of that plot thread. Not entirely sure why that was in the movie at all. And he [the Penguin] moves on to plan B: blow up Gotham with penguins. It's, uh... It's a weird film.
Penguin: THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!
NC (vo): He [Batman] whips out the bat ski boat, which really must have been exciting. I mean, how many times is a bat ski boat gonna be the answer? And they jam the penguins' signal, turning them around. This film's full of anticlimaxes, isn't it?
NC: (holds up index finger, grinning) I would have paid good money to see Batman punch penguins! I...can't even say that without laughing!
NC (vo): He drops the Penguin into the water, because everybody has to fall in this movie, and he confronts Catwoman, who's confronting Schreck.
Batman: (to Catwoman) Let's just take him to the police. (whispers) We're the same... Split right down the center.
NC (vo; as Batman): I love you so much I'd take off my mascara for you in between shots.
(Bruce removes his Batman mask, but Catwoman, in a rage, slashes his cheek)
Catwoman: I just couldn't live with myself!
NC (vo): Selina chooses vengeance over love, leading to easily the best line in the movie.
(Selina removes her Catwoman mask and Schreck is surprised at who it is)
Schreck: Selina! Selina Kyle. (points at her) You're fired.
NC: (laughs) Wouldn't be great if she just left after that? (as Selina) Oh, fired? Aw... (hangs head)
(Schreck pulls a gun on Selina and Bruce and tries to shoot them)
NC (vo): It's pretty clear Max has to die after Batman's revealed, and that's exactly what happens when Selina whips out the taser from before and combines it with the electricity behind him.
(This results in a huge electrical explosion that fries Schreck to an open-mouthed crispy corpse, which Bruce discovers after removing the wires from himself)
Schreck: (audio from earlier) Bruce, shame on you.
(Just then, the Penguin surfaces, looking pale and bloody all over)
NC (vo): Oh, and the Penguin can really hold his breath a long time.
Penguin: (gasping for breath) I need a cold drink...of ice water!
(With one last gasp for breath, he falls over on his stomach and dies. Then the scene freezes as "Jingle Bells" plays once again, while a Batman tie-in book for this movie, "The Penguin's Plot" from Golden Books, appears. The following words are also displayed, which NC reads dramatically...)
NC (vo): "Merry Christmas from the Golden Book Collection"? What were we thinking?! This leads to, well, this scene: the penguins come out and give him a funeral march without opposable thumbs and bury him in the water.
(As the penguins drag the Penguin's body toward the water to emotional music, we cut to an episode of The Tick)
Tick: (aside, to Arthur) Uh, Arthur, is this a warm moment, or should we be disturbed? (Arthur shrugs)
(Cut back to Batman Returns)
NC (vo): No shit. Danny Elfman's music is beautiful, but what tender scenes am I supposed to look back on to make me miss him?
(The scene of the Penguin's eww-y candidacy for mayor is replayed)
Penguin: (putting his button on female photographer's coat) Let me just...get it on there...
NC (vo): Nope, not that one.
(A later scene is shown: the Penguin, having been outed, fires his machine gun (disguised as an umbrella) at the crowd)
NC (vo): No, not that one either.
(The infamous scene of the Penguin biting Josh's nose is replayed)
NC (vo): Ohh! That's not a keeper.
(Another scene is replayed)
Penguin: I want to find out who I am by finding my parents!
NC (vo): Okay, all right, him wanting to belong to society. I can feel bad about that– Oh, wait, that was a ploy to find more kids to kill and he was faking all of this.
Batman: I think he knows who his parents are.
NC (vo): Um...
(The beginning is shown, with the Penguin's parents dumping him in his buggy over the bridge into the river)
NC (vo): Bridge it is!
(The movie resumes as the penguins push the Penguin's body into the water, which turns red from his blood)
NC (vo): I'll...miss you?
(As the Penguin's body sinks into the water, the following text pops up, which NC reads...)
NC (vo): "Merry– Oh, just pretend we're Nightmare Before Christmas"! Bruce swears he sees Selina on the way back, but it appears to only be her cat.
Alfred: Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
Bruce: (holding Selina's cat) Good will to men. And women.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Home Movies)
Brendon Small: (to his mother, Paula, after filming a movie) Yeah, I, uh, I want it to be equal.
Paula: Yeah.
(Cut back to the movie again)
NC (vo): The film ends with the Bat-signal being lit and Catwoman staring up at it, and fun fact: this was actually a last-minute addition. Mostly because audiences wanted to slit their wrists after watching this movie!
NC: I...think that was a good add-on. (nods)